‘Duck Dynasty’ recap: Phil hands out marriage, sex advice

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When one of the Robertson sons runs into trouble, they know they can always count on their dad Phil to bail them out. Whether that be some duck hunting tips, how to lay concrete down for a pathway or how to get your wife to give you some “pat-pat.”

“When you've got a wife as hot as mine, you’ve got to keep her happy and then some,” Phil’s youngest son Jep said. So when he set out to do a little home improvement he called on Phil to make sure it would come out correctly to please his wife Jessica.

“I'm 67 years old and when my sons get in a bind they still call dad to get them out,” complained Phil.

“We don't know what we're doing,” Jep told his dad. “I'm just trying to get a little pat-pat.”

“A little ‘pat-pat,’ son?” Phil asked. “I didn't know these little yuppie girls drive that kind of bargain up in here. What's next? A four-car garage, a little pat-pat? Honey, go out there and build me a barn and a little pat-pat. Where does it end?”

“When I get a little pat-pat,” answered Jep.

Satisfied with his son’s answer, Phil and Jep with a little help from Duck Commander employee Martin set out to build a small pathway for Jep’s house.

Meanwhile, another pair of Robertson men were fighting over a doll. Oh sorry, we mean “action figure.”

While helping Miss Kay deliver their old toys to their church’s toy drive Willie and Jase came across their G.I. Joe action figure and claim it as their own.

“Willie has always had the same type of maneuver when acquiring things that aren't his,” said Jase. “Some people would call this form of negotiation stealing.”

The only way to settle the matter? A paintball war to prove who is the best soldier and therefore worthy of keeping the G.I. Joe.

“I’d be a great soldier, you should see me play paintball,” bragged Willie.

“Of all the people I can think of that'd be terrible at paintball, you'd be top of the list,” Jase barked back. Also, “you’re a bigger target.”

Uncle Si couldn’t help but get in on the action.

“When we played war when I was a kid, we played for real,” the veteran said. “They want to see war? Oh I'm going to give them war. There’s going to be enough paint shed to actually paint a shed.”

After dividing into teams, it was time to devise a plan of attack.

“I want you to shoot Godwin first,” Jase told his niece Sadie.

"Why?” she asked.

“He’s the biggest target and you don't have to aim.”

But no matter how organized Jase tried to be, he quickly learned that things don’t always go according to plan.

Team Jase member and Willie’s son went rogue and Jase’s strategy went out the window. But just as things started to get underway, Uncle Si screamed out for help.

After going to investigate, the boys and Sadie discovered Si’s four-wheeler stuck in the swamp and Si nowhere to be seen.

As they tried lifting the car out of the mud, Si ambushed them from behind.

“You cheated,” sore loser Willie yelled at his uncle.

“Everything is fair game in war,” said Si. “That’s not cheating, its war.”

“I can't believe we're doing this for a stupid doll,” complained Sadie.

After a tiring day of paintball and construction work, a home cooked meal was more than welcome in the Robertson household.

“As a family, when you spend as much time together as we do, things can start getting a little predictable,” Willie said after Phil said Grace. “There are times when you know someone so well that you feel like you can anticipate their every move. But sometimes they'll throw you for a loop.”

“Like actually finishing an overly ambitious home improvement project or just nailing you in the back with a paintball,” he continued. “In the end, little revelations like this keep us on our toes and teach us that no matter how much you think you know someone, there's always room to be surprised. Although in Si's case, I'm not sure I want to be surprised.”