Cara Delevingne is a woman in love.
"I think that being in love with my girlfriend is a big part of why I'm feeling so happy with who I am these days," she says of her 32-year-old girlfriend. "And for those words to come out of my mouth is actually a miracle."
Cara says she felt confused by her sexuality as a child.
"It took me a long time to accept the idea, until I first fell in love with a girl at 20 and recognized that I had to accept it," she shares. "But I have erotic dreams only about men. ... Women are what completely inspire me, and they have also been my downfall. I have only been hurt by women, my mother [a recovering heroin addict] first of all."
Before St. Vincent, Cara was linked to Michelle Rodriguez for a brief time in 2014.
Cara also gets candid about her struggles with depression, anxiety and "self-hatred," which hit her especially hard when she was 15 years old. She’s seen plenty of therapists growing up, and says she was prescribed “stronger stuff than Prozac."
"All of a sudden I was hit with a massive wave of depression and anxiety and self-hatred, where the feelings were so painful that I would slam my head against a tree to try to knock myself out," she reveals. "I never cut, but I’d scratch myself to the point of bleeding. ... I smoked a lot of pot as a teenager, but I was completely mental with or without drugs.”
She even contemplated suicide at one point, alone in her New York City apartment.
"I was packing my bags, and suddenly I just wanted to end it," she says, explaining that she was also in the middle of a severe case of insomnia. "I had a way, and it was right there in front of me. And I was like, I need to decide whether I love myself as much as I love the idea of death."
Thankfully, she was pulled out of it when she heard Outkast’s "SpottieOttieDopaliscious," which played at her friend's funeral who had recently died of a heroin overdose.
"It felt like a warning from him," she recalls. "And it made me so furious with myself."
These days, Cara is focusing more on her acting, with a lead role in the film adaptation of John Green's Paper Towns, and a part in the star-studdedSuicide Squad. The preparation for her acting gigs has led to healthier habits.
"I'm not allowed to drink. I’m not allowed good food," she says about shootingSuicide Squad. "After turning 20 and eating McDonald's all the time and drinking too much, it started to show on my stomach and on my face. But I'm playing a homicidal witch, so I need to look ripped."
"But can you believe that?" she adds, pointing out the irony. "That I have to exercise restraint after I've succeeded in a business where for years I had no restraint, where the whole point was excess?"