Demi Moore says she 'lost' herself after Ashton Kutcher breakup: 'I blinded myself'
Demi Moore said she struggled to cope after her marriage to Ashton Kutcher came to end.
The 56-year-old revealed in her new memoir “Inside Out” that her life began crashing down after she and the actor, now 41, decided to split seven years ago.
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“I lost me,” the actress told television journalist Diane Sawyer on Monday’s “Good Morning America.” “I think the thing if I were to look back, I would say I blinded myself and I lost myself.”
Moore and Kutcher began dating in 2003 after meeting at a dinner with mutual friends, People magazine reported. They were married from 2005 and separated in 2011, following reports that Kutcher had cheated on Moore. The pair eventually divorced in 2013.
Moore wrote in her book that the collapse of her marriage impacted her mental and physical health. She broke her 20-year sobriety and began abusing Vicodin and alcohol. Her three daughters – Rumer Willis, 21, Scout Willis, 28 and Tallulah Willis, 25 – stopped speaking to her.
Their father, Moore’s former husband Bruce Willis, also pulled away.
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Moore, who was in pain and isolated from her family, weighed a mere 102 lbs., the outlet revealed. In 2012, the Hollywood star was rushed to the hospital after smoking synthetic marijuana and inhaling nitrous oxide at a party.
“I guess the fundamental question that came forward for me was, ‘How did I get here?’” Moore admitted in GMA. “From where I started to what I’ve experienced, where I’ve been, how did I get here?”
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Moore’s personal turmoil wasn’t just based on her broken marriage. She told Sawyer, 73, that she had a “colorful” childhood.
According to the actress, she was raped at age 15 by a man who paid her alcoholic mother $500. The sexual encounter happened when she came home one night and an older man she and her mother knew was in the apartment. After he raped her, Moore says the man asked her how it felt “to be whored by your mother for $500.”
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“I think, in my deep heart no — I don’t think it was a straightforward transaction,” Moore told the television journalist about whether she felt her mother sold her.
“But she still — she did give him the access and put me in harm’s way,” Moore shared.
Moore’s upbringing was far from loving. The star said both her parents suffered from alcoholism and the family moved across the country frequently as they faced debt. Moore said she was 12 when her mother first attempted suicide.
“I remember using my fingers, the small fingers of a child, to dig the pills my mother had tried to swallow, out of her mouth,” Moore recalled in her book.
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Moore also told Sawyer that her mother attempted suicide “many, many times.” The actress also learned that the man she believed was her dad was not her biological father. Moore then told herself that “I wasn’t wanted, or that I don’t deserve to be here.”
After Moore’s parents divorced, she lived with her mother, who would bring her along to bars in hopes of attracting men.
Attempting to escape her shattered childhood, Moore dropped out of high school and left her home. It was then when she decided to attend acting auditions despite lack of training.
“I mean, I was figuring it out, by the seat of my pants,” said Moore. “The school of ‘fake it till you make it… I don’t have anything to lose. I don’t have anything, so why not?”
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Moore’s big break came at age 19 with a role in the soap opera “General Hospital.” Moore said she was in over her head and started using alcohol and later cocaine to cope with her fears. And like her parents, Moore suffered from blackouts.
“I don’t have an off switch,” recalled Moore. “I don’t have the thing that says, ‘This is enough.’”
Then in 1984, Moore earned the role of party girl Jules in the 1985 film “St. Elmo’s Fire.”
“I mean, I think the irony certainly was not lost on me,” said Moore.
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Moore said she easily identified with her character and that the film’s producer and director insisted that she go to rehab. Moore committed to sobriety and her pledge lasted “almost 20 years” until she reached her 40s, when she relapsed.
Moore’s mother passed away in 1998 at age 54 from a brain tumor.