Being nice is an essential quality necessary to succeed. It is a quality that sustains relationships and makes you someone others want to be around. However, there is a fine line between being nice and being a pushover. When you are too nice you make your way through life by placating, making you vulnerable to being dismissed by others. You shrink your value and lose your confidence when you don't voice your opinion or share a clear sense of direction for fear of being seen as overbearing, domineering or bitchy.
The following are some of the most commonly used behaviors of people pleasers.
Pleasing occurs when you consistently soften or change your position because you fear your natural thoughts will not be well received or supported by others. To be successful you must be strong enough in your beliefs to communicate your opinions clearly and effectively.
Instead of pleasing to gain approval, simply expect to be treated with respect. To develop confidence when you speak educate yourself to be the best in your field.
Your need for approval eventually drain other people because they cannot fill you up and give you the inner worth you are seeking. Coat-tailing other people is no path to success. Belief in yourself and willingness to go at it with a true commitment is the real path to success.
Learn to ask for what you want that is important to you. If what you want inconveniences someone else then, oh well. You get what you want in life by saying what it is and going after it.
One the greatest indicators of insecurity is flattering people. If you begin and end every conversation with a compliment people will likely see this as manipulative. These compliments are a way to handle your insecurity by making another person feel good, but that only gains you a false sense that you have secured their approval.
Success only comes through self-confidence garnered through risk taking, not people pleasing.
Defensiveness is seen by others as weakness. People will disagree with you in business. There is no path to success if you cannot function without feeling wrecked, upset or anxious. You must develop the resilience to accept feedback and criticism without fracturing or becoming pathetic. People don’t help you up the ladder of success because they feel sorry for you. Learn to grow from feedback rather than shrink from it.
People pleasing is dishonesty by default. To please people you express agreement even when you do not agree. No one can really know you, your ideas or your value if you are a parrot of other people. Fear and the need to fit in drive this type of lying. Stand out successes, however, aren’t “fit-in” people. They are confident enough in themselves to rock the boat and risk relationships when brutal honesty is necessary.
Over-functioning results from desperation. It’s the overworking you do to prove your worth. This crazy hoop-jumping attitude causes you do things you don’t want to do because you are afraid of how you'll be judged for not doing it. People lose respect for you when they sense you are desperate to prove yourself. Relax and do your part but let others carry their own weight. You cannot climb Mount Everest carrying others.
Say "no" without guilt. There is no need to do or participate in anything that you do not want to or believe in. Your “no’s” define the likes and dislikes that tell people where you stop and they start. You will get pushed over if people do not know your boundaries.
Never withhold your truth. Express your true thoughts and opinions when you interact with someone who is clearly offensive to you. Demonstrate you are a person of value not to be overlooked.
Realize that conflict is a part of succeeding. Be bold with your right to express your opinions. There is no way for anyone to really know you or your preferences if you cower in fear someone will reject your opinion. Do not seek agreement. Simply state what opinion is correct for you.
People pleasers have a habit of asking permission where permission is not required. This is often an attempt to look polite and respectful to others. Unfortunately, you end up looking unintelligent and mousey, as if you cannot even make the simplest decisions on your own.
Learn to be bold and lead the way with your decisions, even when you are uncertain. People fall in line with an attitude of boldness. The quickest way to overcome uncertainty is to commit to what you believe in and to speak on it.
9. Needlessly apologetic.
Starting every sentence with “I’m sorry” tells others your estimate of your self-worth. Don’t apologize for your existence. Beginning every sentence with “I’m sorry but…” tells people you expect disapproval before you have even communicated your need, opinion or idea. Practice starting each sentence with “listen…”
Be bold enough to make mistakes. Don't use disappearing and pleasing to look perfect to others. That's being fake. Real people make mistakes and are not perfect. There is no need to apologize. Your mistakes are your greatest teachers, so mistake-away and learn to recover.
Being timid will undermine your motivation to pursue your passions and happiness. You get nowhere being timid and fearful. The business world is not sensitive. Timid people are often surpassed by others, including those less talented.
Find the confidence to pursue your happiness. You have a unique path in life. Being timid makes you an unanchored boat floating aimlessly in the water just trying to stay safe and out of the way. Happiness and success cannot be achieved unless deliberately pursued. Commit to your path.
The great irony of people pleasing is that it almost always produces the exact opposite of the desired result.
To be successful you have to be confident in who you are and in your opinions and beliefs. Instead of living in doubt and seeking approval, educate yourself. Work hard to know what you need to do know to succeed.
You have to believe you are entitled to your opinions but respect others who don’t view things the same way. It doesn’t mean they are right and you are wrong. Embracing differences makes success exciting and dynamic. Innovative ideas come from great debate and differences between people.
The world is not black and white. Remember, the next time your impulse is to shrink, that the need for approval is a success killer.