An open letter to three NFL quarterbacks who've overplayed their hands

The QBs have gone crazy. A bevy of NFL signal callers, led by Ryan Fitzpatrick of the New York Jets, have spent the offseason jockeying for new contracts they don't deserve, asking for money they haven't earned or demanding starting jobs they believe are their birthright. We've decided to write open letters to three of those lost football souls with the hopes of talking some sense into them by the time training camp starts next month (!).

Dear Ryan Fitzpatrick,

Dude, you went to Harvard. I don't care that you were an English major (I also don't care that you Harvard folk call them "concentrations;" because that's awful and you have a hipster beard and therefore lose all Harvard credibility): You should know all about market dynamics. You seem to misunderstand that the situation you're in now - a man without an island (specifically, Manhattan) - is not like the ones from a few months ago. It's been fundamentally changed by the simplicities of supply and demand.

"But Brock Osweiler got $37 million guaranteed! But Brock Osweiler got $72 million in funny money that I want! Then I can brag about it at my Harvard reunions [which I'm sure there's a stupid, different name for too.]" He struck when the market was at its highest - a sno-cone dealer during a heat wave. Despite what the mercury may say, it's winter for you, Ryan. Also, look - I'm not that high on Brock Osweiler either. But let's not forget Brock started seven games for the eventual Super Bowl champions and went 5-2 with a win over the New England Patriots that eventually served as the tiebreaker as to the location of the AFC Championship game. So let's not exactly bury Mr. Brock.

I know it's tough for a Harvard guy to lose out on a job to a guy with a name that makes him sound like he should have gone to Pepperdine. I know it's hard that most of your classmates are probably making eight-figures at Goldman Sachs. But you're not so great a quarterback that you deserve the $12 million the Jets don't want to pay you. And, unfair as NFL contracts can be, you have exactly no leverage to be demanding a one-year deal either. You gambled. You lost. Get what you can from New York and play well enough where you get some leverage for next year.

I like you, Ryan. The Jets would be dumb not to sign you. But you've got to meet them halfway because, come on: It's the Jets. Don't think they won't hit the button for mutually assured destruction if needed.


A guy who can grow a better beard

Dear Nick Foles,

You are Nick Foles. Let me repeat, you are Nick Foles. THE Nick Foles. You were ranked 33 out 34 qualified QBs in passer rating last year. Your completion percentage made Peyton Manning look like a surgeon. You got benched for a guy named Case. You threw as many touchdown passes as Johnny Manziel.

I'm going to repeat that.

You threw as many touchdown passes as Johnny Manziel.

One more time.

You and Johnny Football: Same amount of TD passes.

Whatever claim you think you have to the QB1 designation on the Rams depth chart immediately goes out the window right there. You went 4-7 in your first season in St. Louis. You had one great season three years ago because the NFL had yet to figure out Chip Kelly's offense. And yet you think this entitles you to something? Come on. You're Nick Foles, remember? Not only aren't you very good, but you have no name. Now that the team is in L.A., you need one; right now, you have all the Hollywood cachet of Josh Hartnett. The Rams want a star.

That's why they were correct to move up and draft a player at their biggest need position (yours). It's why you should be at OTAs, where Jared Goff is making friends and impressing coaches, instead of reportedly sulking because of Goff's existence. Nothing is gifted to you in life, Nicholas, especially starting quarterback of an NFL team.


A guy who is voting for Jared, Pedro or anyone in between

Dear Sam Bradford,

Let's go over some numbers.

At the conclusion of this season, it is very likely that you will have been paid $96 million over your seven-year NFL career. One of those years you didn't play at all because of injury. Two of the other years you might as well have not have been playing.

Your record is 25-37-1. If you take your career high in every single-season category, here's what your "ideal" season would look like: 354/590, 3,725 yards, 21 TD, 10 INT, 90.9 rating. That's the best total in each for your career (interceptions were prorated).

Here were the 2015 numbers for Derek Carr: 350/573, 3,987 yards, 32 TD, 13 INT, 91.1 rating.

The absolute best season you could ever have doesn't come close to an average season for a still-emerging Derek Carr.

Then there's this amazing stat from WIP's Joe Giglio: Since you came into the league, 20 quarterbacks have started 60 games. Of those 20, you rank last in every major category, except completion percentage. You're 19th in that.

Still, the Eagles signed you to a contract worth $22 million guaranteed a few months ago. Now, there's no such thing as a guranteed starting job in the NFL so the contract shouldn't have been taken as such. But especially with the short, two-year-deal, this obviously was a "put up or shut up" contract. It should have come as no surprise when Carson Wentz came to town, drafted No. 2 overall. It should actually have served as inspiration. The Eagles weren't your future but since this is an NFL where Brock Osweiler gets $72 million, you were playing for a new one. Instead you chose to whine - "but Brock Osweiler, but Brock Osweiler," is what I'm guessing you said - and evidently look for a trade. Also, enough about Brock Osweiler. All of you!

On the bright side, you're now manning up and organizing summer workouts with your teammates, which makes you at least somewhat self-aware. So that's nice.


A guy who can't believe you have the same career earnings as Roger Federer