Tucker Carlson: Bloomberg paid $460 million to get humiliated by Elizabeth Warren -- but it doesn't matter

What can you buy with $460 million? Well, of course, you could buy a lot of things. You could buy a Boeing 747 if you wanted one. You could build an entire NFL Stadium. You could get a pack of peanut M&Ms for every single person in this country.

Or you could take all that money and use it to get humiliated by Elizabeth Warren on national television, and that's what Michael Bloomberg did Wednesday night.

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Maybe on some level, he enjoyed it. We don't want to speculate here, though, Bloomberg wouldn't be the first rich liberal with unusual personal tastes. But either way, Warren was happy to play along.

You've probably already seen the clips already. But this is one of those exchanges worth replaying again and again and again. Elizabeth Warren just spanked him like the bad little billionaire he is, vigorously.

Sen. Elizabeth Warren, D-Mass. and 2020 presidential candidate: I'd like to talk about who we're running against --  a billionaire who calls women fat broads and horse-faced lesbians.

And no, I'm not talking about Donald Trump. I'm talking about Mayor Bloomberg.

Democrats are not going to win if we have a nominee who has a history of hiding his tax returns, of harassing women and of supporting racist policies. Democrats take a huge risk if we just substitute one arrogant billionaire for another.

You wonder how often Bloomberg pays to get yelled at like that -- pretty expensive role-playing. At one point Mistress Elizabeth even forced Bloomberg to admit he wouldn't allow a strange female employee to speak honestly about their time working for him.

Warren: He has gotten some number of women -- dozens? Who knows? -- to sign non-disclosure agreements, both for sexual harassment and for gender discrimination in the workplace.

So, Mr. Mayor, are you willing to release all of those women from those non-disclosure agreements, so we can hear their side of the story? If they wish now to speak out and tell their side of the story about what it is they allege, that's now okay with you? You're releasing them on television tonight?

Mike Bloomberg, 2020 presidential candidate and former New York City mayor: Senator --

Holy smokes! It makes you wonder about Elizabeth Warren's husband back home. Remember when she revealed that she was the one who asked for his hand in marriage? He said, yes, of course. It was an offer he couldn't refuse.

In the face of a woman like that, Mike Bloomberg just crumbled. Suddenly, he didn't look like one of the world's richest man; he looked old and weak.

Bloomberg is still enormously rich, and he's still blanketing daytime television with his ads. Far more Americans will see Bloomberg commercials than watch Wednesday night's debate. That's just the truth of it.

Warren rattled him so completely Bloomberg could barely function. He couldn't explain his own candidacy. He made apologies for his record. At one point Bloomberg bragged about cutting New York City's crime rate in half and then almost instantly disavowed the policy that made it possible.

Bloomberg: Well, if I go back and look at my time in office, the one thing that I'm really worried about, embarrassed about, was how it turned out with stop-and-frisk.

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How bad was it? Well, even on the most obvious question, the one he had to know was coming -- How can someone as rich as you relate to normal voters? -- Bloomberg whiffed it. Apparently the army of consultancies hired to write his lines forgot to prepare him for it.

Maybe Bloomberg just got sick of being self-deprecating and decided to revert to his real personality, which is grating and pompous. Either way, his answer sounds suspiciously like boasting because when you're as spectacularly successful as Michael Bloomberg is, April 15th isn't like most people's April 15th. You don't use TurboTax.

Bloomberg: Fortunately, I make a lot of money, and we do business all around the world, and we are preparing it -- the number of pages will probably be the thousands of pages. I can't go to TurboTax.

Oh, but it didn't get better from there. The conversation then turned to China. Now, Bloomberg knows a lot about China. He has been getting rich there and defending its fascist government for many years. He censored his own news organization to protect that country's corrupt leadership.

In the face of a woman like that, Mike Bloomberg just crumbled. Suddenly, he didn't look like one of the world's richest man; he looked old and weak. Warren rattled him so completely Bloomberg could barely function.

On Wednesday night, not surprisingly, he was still acting like China's publicist. When asked about China's carbon emissions, the largest in the world by far, Bloomberg claimed that India was "a bigger problem," which is a total crock.

You've got Google, check it yourself. China emits 29 percent of the world's carbon, twice as much as here in the U.S., and that number is still rising, not falling. India, "the bigger problem," accounts for just 7 percent of the world's carbon emissions. Yeah.

But Bloomberg's Chinese masters are not that pleased by the lie he told on their behalf. By the end of the night, Bloomberg had failed so completely, so utterly, that his odds of winning the Democratic nomination dropped by a third on the betting site predicted.

Even the analysts on cable news, many of whom secretly hoped to work for Michael Bloomberg one day, had to admit his performance was world-historic awful -- really a new low in the history of spoken English.

Chris Cuomo, CNN anchor: Gloria Borger, what's the big headline?

Gloria Borger, CNN chief political analyst: Bloomberg was awful.

Van Jones, CNN political commentator: This was a disaster for Bloomberg.

Willie Geist, MSNBC host: They tore the skin off him yesterday -- last night in Las Vegas.

Jason Johnson, political editor for The Root: I thought that was a very bad night for him. He's probably doubling the salaries of his staff who want to go into the spin room because I wouldn't want to go in there and defend him after that night that he had.

Donny Deutsch, MSNBC analyst: It was a devastating introduction to Mike Bloomberg -- for Mike Bloomberg to a lot of Americans.

Jones: Bloomberg went in as the Titanic, billion-dollar machine. Titanic meet iceberg, Elizabeth Warren.

Jess McIntosh, CNN analyst: There's no question that she could go toe to toe with Trump. She left Bloomberg in a puddle on that debate stage.

All true, for once, Bloomberg ate it Wednesday night. But here's the question: Does it actually matter? That's worth we're thinking about. And the answer is, it doesn't really matter.

Warren hurt him, but she didn't help herself much. Not a single person watching Wednesday night wants to listen to her for the next four years. Gosh.

Meanwhile, Bloomberg is still enormously rich, and he's still blanketing daytime television with his ads. Far more Americans will see Bloomberg commercials than watch Wedbnesday night's debate. That's just the truth of it.

So for all the highly entertaining moments, the debate didn't really change the race. Bernie Sanders was still the front-runner Thursday morning, hard as that is to believe.

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And if anything, Sanders is becoming less impressive as he rises in the polls. On Wednesday night, for example, Sanders lamely tried to claim that his famously aggressive online supporters, the ones who are supposedly harassing opponents on Twitter, might actually be secret Russian agents trying to sow discord in the Democratic Party. Sanders said that on stage.

Unfortunately, the people running the debate were too dumb to notice it. So nobody asked a follow-up question, and we're all the poorer for that.

Meanwhile, the various Democratic also-rans spent their evening savaging each other. Boy, did they. Amy Klobuchar, who is supposed to be Midwestern and nice, took a ball-peen hammer to Lego candidate, Pete Buttigieg.

Pete Buttigieg, 2020 presidential candidate and former South Bend, Ind. mayor: You're staking your candidacy on your Washington experience. You're on the committee that oversees border security. You're on the committee that does trade. You're literally part of the committee that's overseeing these things.

And we're not able to speak to literally the first thing about the politics of the country yourself.

Sen. Amy Klobuchar, D-Minn., 2020 presidential candidate: Are you trying to say that I'm dumb? Are you mocking me here, Pete?

I wish everyone else was as perfect as you, Pete, but let me tell you what it's like to be in the arena.

I'm actually so proud of the work that I've done on immigration reform. And you know what, you have not been in the arena doing that work.

You've memorized a bunch of talking points and a bunch of things. --

Wow. So that was real. She clearly hates him and good for her, by the way. He is awful. He's the fakest guy in the race.

Not that it matters. Neither one of them is going anywhere in the end. By the end of the night, things got so fractious on stage, they couldn't even agree to unite behind the candidate who got the most votes.

Think about that for a minute. These are the same people who are always lecturing you about how the Electoral College is racist, and all that matters is the popular vote.

But of course, they never meant that. The only person who means it is Bernie Sanders. And the only reason he means it is because in this case, he's the only one who can benefit from that standard.

At this point, it is hard to see how anybody gets the majority of Democratic primary votes, but Sanders is still likely to have the most at the end. So in a typical year, that would make Sanders the Democratic nominee. But that's not the case this year.

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So who wins? Who is the nominee? That's something our friends at the Democratic Party are going to have to figure out at their convention in Milwaukee four months from now -- and good luck with that.

Adapted from Tucker Carlson's monologue from "Tucker Carlson Tonight" on Feb. 20, 2020.

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