Tonight, Game of Thrones Season 6 debuts. With the NBA Playoffs in full swing, it is only appropriate to rank every single team in the league as of April 2016 and assign them a specific character from the show.
30. Philadelphia 76ers, Shireen Baratheon
So cute. So precious. So innocent. Everyone keeps telling you how great of a future you have despite your many illnesses. You are a Baratheon, you have an amazing history recognized across the planet and a potential future as royalty to look forward to. Wait a second -- why is everything burning? CONTINUING TO TRUST THE PROCESS. This is fine, everything is fine. Now you are nothing but a pile of ashes at the bottom of a cross.
29. Los Angeles Lakers, Tywin Lannister
Everyone knows your name. You are the famous war hero with more victory banners than anyone else ever. Since you've reached the top, however, let's be honest: you've lost your fastball. Your small counsel is crumbling around you. You'll even sacrifice your own blood to maintain your legacy. No-one trusts each other. Your most famous warrior slayed the former king out of the city and is an injury-riddled cripple who should have retired years ago. Once standing so tall, now you're just a corpse rotting in your own feces at the hands of a midget. My how the mighty have fallen.
28. Phoenix Suns, Jaqen H'ghar
The many-faced man had a many-faced season. One minute you are a Top 30 piece away from being a legitimate playoff contender, the next: you are in a dungeon watching all of your companions get traded to the Night's Watch or fall to the blade of a King's Landing front office sword. The congregation may have disbanded, but the temple remains standing. Despite the many challenges faced and the sacrifices made, everyone knows how powerful you can be at full strength. The order of the faceless men is dormant ... for now.
27. Brooklyn Nets, Eddard Stark
Everyone from Winterfell thinks Winterfell is cool -- while the cold hard truth is that it's just another borough inhabited by the hipsters of Westeros. You are allowed to live in Winterfell without screaming to the heavens re: how awesome you think it is -- ok? Just when you called in by the Managing Partner to be Hand and think King's Landing is "Under New Management", you trade away your entire future backing a team way past its prime for one shot at the Iron Throne. It fails horribly, and you fall flat on your face in more ways than one.
26. Minnesota Timberwolves, Daenerys Targaryen
The chosen one. You know she's over in The Free Cities and not a threat to anything going on in Westeros just yet because she's still relatively new to this whole world domination thing, but, she has three young dragons and they are growing up. FAST. As soon as these things mature, don't be surprised when she and her monsters are making her enemies run for the hills screaming in terror.
25. New Orleans Pelicans, Sansa Stark
Cannot catch a break to save her life. Just when everything seems to be going her way and all of her living relatives are finally at full strength at the same time -- death. Things should be great for Sansa. Heck, she was even in line to be queen of the world. Simply put: life hasn't worked as currently constructed, it's not currently working, and it may never work.
24. Sacramento Kings, Mance Rayder
You know what happens when you try and unite a bunch of talented free folk who hate each other under the same banner? Nothing good. At all.
23. New York Knicks, Margaery Tyrell
A historic, household name accompanied by royal expectations. You're willing to lie, cheat, suck up, pander, and do just about anything/get in bed with just about anyone to get to the top. You assume your attractive aesthetics and legendary surname will get you whatever you want whenever you please, but, even when you hit the lotto and score a marriage with the up-and-coming king of the land -- everyone knows your family is going broke without him. All-of-a-sudden you don't look so sexy anymore, and you scramble to marry anything of royalty you can get your hands on -- no matter what the cost. You will continue this process for 20 years until it either works, or, you are killed. You'll continue to believe it's the right way of life because that's who you are: stubborn, spoiled, and pompous. You expect the world to bow before you because of who you think you are. You're not fooling anyone. We all know your true colors. The jig is up; you will never change, and therefore: you will excruciatingly die and drag everyone who cares about you down with you.
22. Denver Nuggets, Bronn
No-one hates you, no-one loves you. You're prepared to go to war at any time if called upon, but, in the end: you just kind of exist doing your own thing while no-one else cares.
21. Milwaukee Bucks, Bran Stark
You have freakish, superhuman abilities that only few others can relate or compare to. However, the moment you overstep your bounds -- you find yourself on your back paralyzed from the waist down incapable of being relevant for the immediate future. Yes, you may be crippled ... but, you've been off-the-grid for a season now figuring out how to fly. If you ever do: look out, world....
20. Orlando Magic, "The Hound" Sandor Clegane
Life sucks so much no-one will even do you the decency of putting you out of your misery when you're laying mangled in the middle of a jagged rock quarry.
19. Washington Wizards, Jorah Mormont
You can't shake the dark cloud that always seems to be hovering over your head. Despite your amazing talent and combat skills, everything you do just doesn't work and puts everyone around you in danger. It's time to keep your favorite sword, get rid of everything else, and try being a consigliere again with a different family.
18. Chicago Bulls, Robb Stark
Due to circumstances both in and out of your control: never watching you reach your full potential in your prime is without a doubt the most depressing and frustrating part of this program.
17. Utah Jazz, The Mountain
You have your flaws, but, let's be honest: no-one wants to get into a one-on-one death match against you. Even when everyone thinks you're dead, you continuously come back to life as a zombie of destruction incapable of feeling human emotion. You may not win every battle, but, one thing is for sure: no-one is walking away unscathed.
16. Memphis Grizzlies, Ramsay Bolton
You better have adult supervision around at all times otherwise what happens next is on you.
15. Houston Rockets, Stannis Baratheon
Gotta give you credit -- your ignorance is unmatched by anyone on the planet. Just because you have a giant fleet of war ships, a large army, and the Baratheon name doesn't mean you can be a huge jackass to everyone all the time and just stroll into Blackwater Bay assuming everyone will accept being conquered. You may have had a Lord of Light Fire Witch on your side at one point in time, but, even she leaves you when she realizes who you really are. It is painful to watch you operate, and despite a lot of viewers not having an ounce of care re: how your storyline plays out, it is strangely satisfying watching you die in a pool of your own stubbornness at the hands of an opponent who is not worthy of your title.
14. Detroit Pistons, Hodor
Everything from your appearance to your history to your name is intimidating. No-one would dare mess with you ... that is until you open your mouth and everyone realizes you're as soft as the pillsbury doughboy. There are times, however, when your head coach wargs into your soul and you morph into a fearless, unstoppable fighting force. Now, only if you could do this 82 times a year -- you'd be on to something...
13. Dallas Mavericks, Oberyn Martell
A gifted warrior who has every right to be cocky. Championship accolades, one of the most clutch finishers ever. Headed into the season, another chance at eternal glory was within your grasp. All you had to do was stay quiet and seal the deal. But no. You decided to parade The Mountain around the city rubbing your conquest in everyone's face. As you're gloating in your achievement, he rises, turns on you, sweeps your leg, and smashes your face in on a national stage. Now you're just a corpse waiting to be buried. Your loud mouth isn't so loud when you're just a puddle of mush splattered all over the ground.
12. Indiana Pacers, Jaime Lannister
How this notorious warrior came back to relevance after one of the most gruesome injuries we've ever witnessed is an achievement that cannot be understated. We won't know for some time if they're going to be as elite as they once were, but, the fact that we're even having this conversation after what occurred two seasons ago is a testament to their courage and an inspiration for anyone who may ever find themselves in a similar situation.
11. Portland Trail Blazers, Arya Stark
"Awwwwwww look she's so cute she wouldn't hurt a fly." Things you say before you have a dagger in your eye ball thrown from 30 feet away. At first glance it may look innocent, but, if you don't treat them with the respect they deserve they will make you pay. If we've learned anything from this most recent: Do not judge a book by its cover, especially if they're not done growing.
10. Charlotte Hornets, Petyr Baelish
The overachiever who doesn't have the family name to be taken seriously as royalty, but, somehow ... someway ... always finds themselves in the middle of every dramatic moment. No allies, no enemies -- they operate in the shadows, and if you're not careful: you may be the one who falls victim to the next step in their underrated agenda.
9. Boston Celtics, Tyrion Lanniser
Nothing about them on paper would suggest 'intimidation'. As a matter of fact, you look down on them -- both literally and figuratively. However, they're smarter than you. They know combat X's and O's better than you; and therefore: are always one step ahead of you. They. Just. Won't. Die. And somehow ... someway ... against all odds ... you just know they're going to be there in the end.
8. Atlanta Hawks, Roose Bolton
Yeah, you are a Warden -- a fine achievement that should be receive recognition -- but you'll never be king.
7. Miami Heat, Jon Snow
Only a few seasons ago, everything was taken from you after living a life of such prosperity. Once associated with a royal bloodline, you have to earn your way back to the top -- just like everyone else. That is exactly what you do. You fight, you lead, you align yourself with new formidable warriors and former enemies in hopes of achieving the eternal glory you recently lost. You know what's out there north of the wall and what you're going to have to confront in the near future. You were left for dead -- but are you actually dead? Or are you going to come back stronger than ever before? Only time will tell....
6. Los Angeles Clippers, Joffrey Baratheon
The mere existence of their presence can drive you to experience unprecedented levels of inner anguish. Unless you fight under the banner, you want nothing more than to see em choke on poison at their own birthday party -- however, they are royalty and must be treated as such, because if you disrespect them you might find yourself standing in front of two executioners who want nothing more than to throw an axe in the air and decapitate you in front of ten thousand people.
5. Toronto Raptors, Samwell Tarly
Once known for being a sissy coward who wanted nothing to do with the big stage, we've watched em grow up before our very eyes accomplishing things that even the bravest of warriors wouldn't dare attempt. Despite their incredible progress -- would you trust them with your life in the most pressured of situations? We're about to find out...
4. Oklahoma City Thunder, Robert Baratheon
The biggest badass in all the land who's got enough firepower to single-handily end the greatest dynasty the world has seen in ages -- however, when your small counsel and apprentices are a bunch of talentless hacks who drive your legacy into the ground, advise you into political ruin, and can't even keep inferior boars away from gore'ing you to death ... there is nothing else to say other than: "What could have been...." The Baratheon name will soon end, and those strong enough to survive the purge will change their names, appearances, and cling to different alliances before their greatness is erased from the history books.
3. Cleveland Cavaliers, Cersei Lannister
The show wouldn't be as fun to watch without this unlikeable villain who has committed multiple atrocities and done just about everything and anything to make you want to throw your TV out the window in anger. You don't hate this character, you hate that you kinda love them.
They wield the most powerful force on the planet: The Iron Throne. They may not be the fighting force they were hyped up to be, but, you had your chance to bury them for good -- and that time has since come and gone. Now, after documented internal turmoil and a notoriously embarrassing moment amongst your peers -- you are back to full strength, your army is operating on all cylinders, and you are out for blood.
Time to unleash hell. No mercy for those who stand in your way.
2. San Antonio Spurs, Night's King
They're not 'coming' anymore. They're here.
1. Golden State Warriors, Drogon
This creature does not comprehend the concept of mercy. So, here's some advice: Run. Run as fast as you can. Run for your life. Do not look back, because if you do: be prepared to suffer the most excruciating death you can ever imagine -- being burned alive by fire raining from the sky and simultaneously having your lower body torn limb-by-limb by the world's most featured monster.