Happy Monday or as Joe Biden calls it … and you thought Jimmy Carter sucks.
HALLIE JACKSON: The fall of Kabul is imminent as the Taliban enters the city.
JIM ACOSTA: The imminent fall of Kabul.
BRIAN STELTER: The fall of Kabul … The Taliban has now entered the city.
PETER ALEXANDER: The fall of Kabul as the Taliban completes its takeover of Afghanistan. Armed fighters broadcast live from inside the presidential palace.
I blame those pesky white supremacists.
Now, you'd figure we'd have a plan for this, but this is the most botched pullout since Hunter knocked up that stripper.
20 years, billions of dollars, and no plan. Or maybe we had a plan but Joe left it in the men's room at Cold Stone Creamery.
I mean, if we knew this would happen the moment we left, what gives? I'm not here to say I told you so because I never did. I was, like most everyone else, spending the last decade forgetting Afghanistan existed and watching "The Bachelor," which is either a testament to the effectiveness of our military to keep things under control or my very short attention span.
So the Taliban sets its sights on Kabul, which is good news for Lori Lightfoot. Her city no longer is the most dangerous one on the planet.
But what were our priorities while this war went on for decades? For us, at home, it was bad cops, bad tweets, bad combustible engines, bad pronouns. Yes, the CDC reminds us it's pregnant people instead of moms. I'm so glad we won that battle.
Meanwhile, our armed forces put out highly polished recruitment ads that ticked all the intersectional boxes.
We're not sure how to win wars, but at least if we lose them, we won't be able to blame just old white men. We also learned that our military leaders assigned left-wing anti-racist tones to our troops. So, at least the Afghan military can hate America as much as we're supposed to.
Think about it, 20 years preparing for this moment and we're as lost as Joe Biden trying to find a White House entrance.
I mean, there are thousands of American citizens still in Afghanistan. You'd think we'd have evacuated them sooner. Yet President Biden has lost more face than during his facelift.
Seriously, where is the leadership? Has anyone called the White House?
Think about it. As we watched terrorists waltz into power, what were we doing? Well, we obsessed over white supremacists on January 6 with our commander in chief yelling nevermind the Bin Laden look-alike with the rocket launcher. It's this white guy wearing face paint and a Viking hat that we got to eliminate.
Check out this graphic about potential terror threats from the DHS. It's aged as well as Steven Tyler's face.
You wonder why Kabul fell faster than Joe Biden walking up a flight of stairs. How about viewing opposition to mask mandates as the same threat as terrorists? Talk about making all threats relative, including your relatives.
Yeah, your aunt who wants election transparency is no different than people who flew planes into American buildings.
Now, when your bag goes through X-ray screening at the airport, the TSA won't be looking for bombs. They'll be looking for Trump T-shirts.
So your uncle who won't get vaccinated till it's FDA-approved, well, he'll be the first terrorist waterboarded while being made to wear a surgical mask.
Notice how that graphic is really clear on who the first two threats are, they're basically Trump voters, but that third one seems intentionally vague.
So terror attacks could happen on 9/11 and religious holidays. Who might do that? I'll give you a hint. It won't be the Oak Ridge Boys.
It's got to suck to be an actual terrorist, not getting adequate credit. If the word terrorism were any more watered down, it would be one of Kat's drinks from a concerned bartender.
Twitter was allowing the Taliban to actually tweet while at the same time banning conservatives. At this point, does anyone born in the 90s remember what terror is? Its slogan is literally "never forget," but we did.
Instead of being prepped for this, we handled it like a college freshman, knowing the finals were three months away. I'll just cram the night before and figure it out then. So as the Taliban assumes control without a hiccup, we should at least see part of the reason why. It's in that chart which shifted the threat from one group to another and played down the madmen of the past.
Islamic terrorists attacked our country, but there was a guy who wore a Viking helmet in the state capital. Same difference, right?
‘THE REIDOUT’ GUEST: January 6th was worse than 9/11 because it's continued to rip our country apart.
CNN GUEST: January 6th was, in effect, the second kind of civil war.
PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: The worst attack on our democracy since the civil war.
CBS HOST: The worst attack on our democracy since the civil war.
MSNBC GUEST: The most serious threat to our democracy since the Civil War.
You see how easy we forgot about the Taliban and made ourselves the bad guys to feed a narrative that legacy media agreed with?
We weren't fighting a war in Afghanistan, we were fighting it here in America against ourselves: Black versus white, conservative versus liberal, gay versus straight, trans versus non-trans, legal versus illegal, cop versus criminals, mask versus maskless, facts versus not-facts.
We took our eye off the ball. And when you do that, you strike out in Afghanistan. We were caught looking at ourselves.
This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld's opening monologue on the August 16, 2021 edition of "Gutfeld!"