THE COWBOY LIBERTARIAN: Trump-Snooki Ticket Surges Past Obama-Biden
You know the country is in deep trouble when frustrated voters turn to reality TV celebrities for leadership.
Multi-millionaire and brightest star in the constellation of celebrities Donald Trump is getting closer to seeking the Republican Party nomination for president. It is the first job in his life that he will actually have to interview for to get the position.
Good for him.
And while he currently is flying high, having fun and leading the less than stellar pack, the interview process that will eventually be conducted by the media will make a proctology exam look like a day at the beach.
Don’t get me wrong I have great respect for Donald Trump. He is a smart savvy businessman and he has created a brand that is recognizable everywhere. But he is also a smart and savvy promoter who knows who his audience is and what they want.
That is his real success secret.
And right now they want reality TV and instant communication. And he is giving it to them on “Celebrity Apprentice” one hour a week and on television news shows, stories on the Web, in blogs and the other 167 hours in the week.
But let your mind wander for a moment and imagine some morning seeing the following headlines and news stories in your morning paper.
Busey Changes his Mind on Trump
Gary Busey who appeared on Trump’s “Celebrity Apprentice” last year and initially supported him for president has had a change of heart.
Using his own unique brand of describing the real meaning behind words he said, “The letters in his name actually mean, Trump Really Undermines Mainstream Politics.”
Since making that comment Busey has vanished without a trace.
GOP Nominates Trump
After five ballots, the Republican Party has nominated reality TV star and money mogul Donald Trump to head the GOP ticket against President Obama this fall.
It all came down to the California delegation who finally switched their support from Mitch Daniels to Trump after Trump said he would donate $100 million to the currently broke state party. “Boy this was expensive”, said a clearly exhausted but happy Trump. “I got the Texas delegation for half that!”
Shock waves went through the hotel lobbies at the Republican National Convention in Tampa when GOP nominee Donald Trump announced his pick for vice president. In a play for the young, tanned Northeastern Italian American vote Trump has selected “Jersey Shore” starlet Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi.
“They tell me the job is cool. All I have to do is get up every morning and make sure you know that the president is OK and I mean not dead you know for sure. Then its tan, gym, laundry, drunk!” said a clearly hung-over but thrilled Ms. Polizzi.
When told she would be a heartbeat away from the presidency if Trump was elected she responded by saying “Does that mean we have to sleep together?”
The entire Republican establishment has been placed on suicide watch.
Trump-Snooki GOP Ticket Surges Past Obama-Biden
A big post-convention bounce has helped the Trump-Snooki ticket surge past the president as if he was standing still.
Worried Democrats are urging Obama to shake up the race with something dramatic such as putting Hillary Clinton on the ticket. However internal Democratic polling indicates that Hillary would be worse than Biden. Some aides, who asked not to be named on the record because they are cowards, have suggested a reality TV star to match Snooki’s firepower.
Obama Dumps Biden-Taps “The Situation”
Bowing to pressure from the reality TV wing of the Democratic Party, President Obama has dumped Vice President Biden and replaced him with Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino a co-star of GOP VP nominee Snooki Polizzi on the very popular “Jersey Shore” show.
“I talked to Snooki and she said the job is cool and easy. Not hard at all like my abs you know what I’m sayin”, said a shocked Situation.
At a hastily called news conference Obama said, “'The Situation' represents a new generation of leaders—tanned, rested and ready to lead from day one.” When asked about possible gaffes from his inexperienced and functionally illiterate running mate he quipped, “He can’t be any worse than Biden!” drawing sustained laughter from the assembled reporters.
As Gas Goes to $10 a Gallon Trump Calls for Seizing World’s Oil Fields
Gasoline prices continue to rise to historic levels unabated as unrest in the Middle East continues to disrupt supplies. GOP nominee Donald Trump has called for a military plan to seize all the world’s oil fields.
Obama calls this “reckless” and urges voters not to be swayed by his simple solutions to complex problems.
Trump shot back that, “Without American brains and technology that oil would still be in the ground and the Arab goat herders would still be a bunch of wandering nomads.”
The American foreign policy establishment has been placed on suicide watch.
Trump Trounces TelePrompter
In the end it wasn’t even close. Donald Trump’s landslide victory makes Obama’s loss the biggest electoral defeat in American history as Trump won all 50 states.
When Obama called Trump last night to concede Trump told him, “You’re fired!” He also suggested that he thought Obama would be a great host for his new show “Celebrity Has-been Apprentice.”
Trump Names New Treasury Secretary
President –elect Donald Trump has named Richard Hatch as his Treasury Secretary.
Hatch, the first winner of the CBS reality show “Survivor,” was recently released from prison for tax evasion.
“I liked what I saw when he was on Celebrity Apprentice, President-elect Trump said, “and I know how to pick em’!
When reporters asked Hatch if he thought his conviction for tax evasion should disqualify him for the post, he said, “I thought it was a job requirement when I found out that Tim Geithner also evaded taxes.”
S&P and Moody’s immediately downgraded the nation’s credit to “disastrous.”
The American financial establishment has been placed on suicide watch.
Trump Inaugurated-- Tells Country All Will be OK
In a rousing speech on the west steps of the Capitol building, Donald Trump told the nation that all would be OK and that he had been in the same situation in his own business the country now finds itself confronting.
He said his plan for fixing America will be unveiled tomorrow on a nationally televised prime time extravaganza on NBC and sponsored by GE, NBC’s parent company.
Snooki was late to the ceremony as she fell asleep in the new tanning bed she had installed in the Vice President’s residence. After she was sworn in she said, “Got to go home and do laundry and get ready to PARTY tonight!”
America Declares Bankruptcy
Just as he promised in his inaugural speech, Trump told the nation in a national broadcast, “You want reality TV? We are bankrupt and I will be filing papers to that effect tomorrow.”
Trump said “Bankruptcy is no big deal I have done it myself before and I came back stronger than ever. I did it and so can America.”
When reporters told the president that legally America as a nation can’t declare bankruptcy, Trump said, “I don’t believe in the word “can’t”. Just watch me.”
Ok you can wake up now. I was just kidding! Wake Up America! Wake Up!!!
Too late I guess.
Patrick Dorinson blogs at The Cowboy Libertarian. He can be heard on the radio program with the same name Sundays, from 3-5 p.m. PT on KFBK radio.