So, remember when we were told the adults were taking back government when Biden won? Yep, they ousted orange Godzilla, and we got the creature from the black lagoon.
Yeah, that’s some normalcy. There's serious bedlam at the border. Thousands still converging, many are sick. And like Hillary, crime remains unchecked and unprosecuted.
So a lot of bad news. The upside: I still look great. (It's amazing for a man in his early 40s.)
But thankfully, despite all of this bad news, we have an adult in charge! OK, a guy in an adult diaper. Captain Joe!
Look at him. Aviator sunglasses? Check. Bomber jacket? Check. He looks like someone crossed a Delta pilot with Arthur Fonzarelli. Too bad his mic gets cut more than me trying to make the eighth-grade soccer team. This year I was closer than ever.
Seriously – I feel like a guest at Epstein’s island: where are the adults we were promised? I seem to remember being told in my mandated anger management classes that an adult takes responsibility for his actions. But here's Joe responding to his recent crises:
Joe Biden, Sept. 24: Take a look at what I inherited when I came into office, the state of affairs and where we were. We had 4 million people vaccinated, we had no plan – I could go down the list ... I’m not complaining, it's just the reality.
I'm not complaining, it's just the reality. This guy wouldn’t recognize reality if the entire cast of "Duck Dynasty" bit him in the ass.
So what is that reality? How about that anyone vaccinated today can thank something called Operation Warp Speed created by someone named Trump. Biden's reality: blame everyone for every mistake you make. And not only blame the last guy in office - but also decent Americans.
Like the guy who was just trying to steer his horse! Yep, Joe Biden punishes Border Patrol for, get this: patrolling the border. What's next? Punish strippers for stripping? Soldiers for soldiering? The police for policing? Oh wait. We already do that.
Did you notice that trend? That people doing their jobs are being punished by people who don't.
So you have an incompetent president trashing the people cleaning up his mistakes at the border. You have a media demonizing the cops who try to protect a society that the media tries to tear apart. And the media still whines about using horses to navigate uneven terrain. What should they be using? Segways?
Maybe the critics should ask why the Border Patrol is needed. Because – there is no wall, you jackasses. By the way, I’d respect Joe if he admits he wrongly smeared that guy and apologizes. But I won't hold my breath. Mainly because if I do, I’d look like a smurf.
So "Build Back Better" – that's the stupidest slogan ever. It sounds like a leftover from a Labor Day sale at Home Depot. But the only thing Joe builds is blame. He pretends to take responsibility, saying "the buck stops with me," as he passes more bucks than a guy who eats dollar bills. I wonder if blaming the past works in real life
*Skit of man blaming his wife’s ex for everything*
So as America lurches backward, what's Joe got to say for himself?
Tom Shillue as Biden: C’mon man don’t give me that absent leadership. I am present man, I am present and accounted for. I don’t know where I am right now actually. I tell you what happens – they drive me places and then I get out and I read what they tell me and then no questions, no questions. Then I get back in the car and they drive me someplace else. It works out man. Oh, just got dark, but I know where I am.
The good news about America, this country is so strong that we can withstand a bumbling old man who, like a 35-year-old unemployed millennial living with his parents, refuses to bear any responsibility. But are we strong enough to endure the wokesters who control him?
They're like kids going after their rich dad’s estate before he passes. But hey, at least he bravely went on national TV, to get his booster shot.
Let's roll that tape.
*Biden getting his COVID booster shot with voiceover screaming*
Wow, that didn't go over well.
This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld's opening monologue on the Sept. 28, 2021 edition of "Gutfeld!"