Greg Gutfeld: No one is in charge, and no one cares

Politicians quote the media, and the media quotes the politicians -- round and round, they go

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Happy Friday my fellow funky Friday folks. What a crazy week. It’s like one of Hemmer's hot tub parties. Bad things are happening, but it’s okay because we’re all in this together.

First, last night’s town hall. What did we get from Joe? An incoherent jumble of memories, confused looks, but the best impersonation of Beavis and Butthead's Cornholio in history. What the hell was that? There was more

Joe Biden, Oct 21: forty percent of all products coming into the United States of America on the west coast go through Los Angeles and, and I, what am I doing here? 

Anderson Cooper: is it Long Beach?

Biden: Long Beach. Thank you


Anderson Cooper: Do you have plans to visit the southern border?

Joe Biden: I’ve been there before and I haven't. I mean, I know it well. I guess I should go down.


Joe Biden: So what you see is wages are actually up


Joe Biden: I have the freedom to kill you


Joe Biden: My guess is you'll start to see gas prices come down as we get by going into the winter. I mean, excuse me, in the next year, 2022.


Joe Biden: I must tell you, I don't have a near-term answer.


Anderson Cooper: Mr. President. Mr. President.

President Joe Biden: By the way, there's two famous guys in this audience here.

Maybe they were Beavis and Butthead. Well, that’s the opposite of comforting. It seems his only strategy is to deflect from our current misery to promising more misery. Well, that and fake stories about trains.

Joe Biden: A lot of the folks at Amtrak became my family, not a joke. // Angelo Negre was from, do you remember Ang? Ang came up to me one day when I was, when they just had announced that I had flown one million, some x number of miles on air force aircraft and Ang comes up and I’m getting in the car and he goes, joey, baby, what do you. And I thought the secret service is going to shoot him. I said, no, no, no, he's good. He's good. True story. 

Rambling about trains from a human train wreck. Sorry - the only Biden who knows about rails is Hunter after he’s snorted a few fresh ones.


So as America worries - Joe tells a debunked story about a dead Amtrak worker. This guy’s memory is so bad he’s plagiarizing his own lies. As for the supply chain fiasco, we did that story last week. But like the president’s memory, it's only gotten worse 

Empty shelves. Escalating prices. Panic. Kat can't even buy hair. Still nothing changed. Why? Because it doesn't affect the politicians, the rich, the activist class. The very a**holes who are responsible for this mess. But it affects you measly country bumpkins and you don’t rate.

I mean - when’s the last time you wore a designer dress to a gala event? For me, it was Thursday. But I digress. 

Sure, they dragged Buttigieg out of his fort made of marshmallows and kittens to make a statement, but he offered nothing but, "sorry you're stuck with it." He's clever, but no leader. He's Eddie Haskell from "Leave it to Beaver," except he doesn't like the beav.


Now I got nothing against paternity leave. Sorry: it's mayor Pete that gave paternity leave a bad name. Taking off a few months? It’s not like he’s Octomom. He didn’t have 8 kids by C-section. Getting a cushy federal perk-filled position, then bailing for two months as the country languishes. Who do you think you are? Kamala Harris?

Hell, even I didn’t bail in my first year at college and that was after realizing it was a Holiday Inn Express.

The fact is, no one is in charge. And no one cares. 

Biden is a big rickety Trojan horse being dragged into your living room by Jen Psaki, Susan Rice, and Ron Klain but there are no warriors inside just dust. To put us in the Halloween mode, this presidency is the headless horseman. It’s not a costume, it's real. And the cobwebs for the decorations come from inside Biden’s head. 

You know how you can tell no one's in charge? Where are those infamous executive orders that Biden unleashed when got in? Remember how that was meant to show he was in charge, when really it was all symbolic bull****. 

Take the border crisis. All he wanted to do was reverse Trump-era policy, let the new policy fail, then slyly revert back to Trump’s and act like he saved us from the disaster he needlessly put us in.


Now - with this massive crisis, nothing. He could do something. But he won’t. Speaking of Trump, he would have nuked the supply chain crisis like it was a hurricane. The same way he solved North Korea. The Middle East with the Abraham accords. And of course the vaccines. 

He would’ve targeted the issues and blown them up like they were Solemani on the way to the airport.

With the supply chain. He would’ve created warp speed in a trucker hat. Just with his Hell’s Angels connections alone, the shelves would already be teeming with Christmas toys. 

Oh wait, that’s right...his tweets were sometimes abrasive. So let’s replace him with a cross between Gilligan and Thurston Howell III. The result: Biden remorse. With no one claiming responsibility for solving this problem. Not Pete, not Joe, not even Kamala. She’s too busy avoiding the immigration crisis. Even migrants don’t run from the border like she does. 


Meanwhile, we found out that this clown show Merrick Garland had breezily targeted domestic terrorists - i.e. Parents -based on a fact-free letter from a left-wing group that had colluded with the government beforehand. So it was all manufactured. This guy’s dirtier than Dana Perino’s mouth after 2 shots of Fireball.

He also says he gets most of his info from the news. I guess meaning CNN. Which explains his empty head. He didn't know about the attack on the Department of the Interior or the rape in Loudoun County. Because CNN only reports news that protects a coddled audience with room-temperature IQs.

The politicians quote the media, and the media quotes the politicians. Round and round, they go. I won't use the crude expression for that kind of circle – I don’t want Jeffrey Toobin to get excited. 

So like Joe and Mayor Pete, Merrick’s another headless horseman. No ideas, no nothing. Just strutting his stuff and leaving behind piles of horse crap for the peasants to shovel up. But now he kicked a hornet’s nest with his bare feet.

You think Black Lives Matter or the Tea Party was a movement? Try millions of scorned parents, from all economic groups, with more racial diversity than a 1980’s Benetton ad. Garland kicked the mama bear, and the bear has the temperament of a constipated Bernie Sanders.


Now parents may be disadvantaged as activists - they’re new at it, and also they're too busy to occupy a park, block a highway. Or poop on a sidewalk. They have jobs- real ones. But they also have kids. Who I hate. But I get it.

You get between parents and their children, you start a battle that'll be over quicker than a typical Joe Biden workday. The headless horseman should be scared. He claimed he was gonna unify a country. And he did. Against him.

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld's opening monologue on the October 22, 2021 edition of "Gutfeld!"