Kate Upton's Topless Swimsuit Shoot and Dita Von Teese's Bra-Buying Tips

Here's the deal, everybody:

Earlier this week, Sports illustrated released a behind-the-scenes video from Kate Upton's topless 2012 Swimsuit Issue photoshoot (below), seemingly for no other reason than to remind us that yes, they once got to see her without her clothes on.

While we're on the subject of skimpy, barely-there tops, Dita Von Teese says a lot of us are wearing the wrong size lingerie. Check out the video above for Von Teese's  then take to the shops and treat yourself to somethin' nice … that fits.

On Wednesday evening in New York, Kim Kardashian wore a bust-squeezing bustier to a charity function for the AIDS Community Research Initiative of America (below). But before we assume this was just another attention-grabbing stunt, maybe we should entertain the possibility that Kim donated all her shirts to the charity, and this was all she had left.

Kim Kardashian also told Elle UK she blames God for the pregnancy pounds she packed on while carrying North. "He was saying: 'Kim, you think you're so hot, but look what I can do to you,'" she remarked, casually revealing her belief that God follows the Kardashians and is somehow more concerned with her than whatever the heck Bruce is doing to himself.

The social media site Twitter has determined Justin Bieber to be 2014's "most tweeted-about artist," immediately followed by three members of the boy band One Direction. The lesson here? If you want more Twitter followers, get yourself a memorable, angular haircut.

Time magazine has awarded the title of 2014's person of the year to "The Ebola Fighters," referring to the teams of doctors and aid workers trying to contain the ebola outbreak in West Africa. It's a fine choice, but we had our money on the "apparently kid" from Scranton's local news. We lost our annual office pool again!

If it wasn't already clear from the 20 women he took home in a single night, Leonardo DiCaprio and his recent girlfriend Toni Garrn have officially split up. Perhaps now he can pursue his true love: 40 women.

Hilaria Baldwin looks like she's taking her life in her hands with her latest body-bending pose on Instagram (below), where she's performing yoga atop the banister of a staircase. Emergency rooms across the country should prepare for an infux of copycat yoga-fanatics with asana-based injuries.

Whoopi Goldberg appeared to fart during Wednesday episode of "The View" (below), prompting Rosie O'Donnell to remark, "Those breakfast burritos, they kill you." Goldberg later claimed to have made the noise with her mouth, which is totally what we always say when we're lying about farting.

According to Us Weekly, Taylor Swift is secretly dating Matt Healy, the lead singer of an English indie rock band called The 1975. We've never observed the two on a date, but we're thinking that Healy's fascination with all-things 1975 should mesh well with Swift's love of old-lady macrame habits from 40 years ago.

A trailer for the latest installment of the "Mad Max" film franchise debuted on Tuesday (below), and it's filled with fiery explosions, vast desert landscapes and oddly bouyant classical music. We'll need to double-check our sources on this, but it appears to be the first movie written and directed by Wile E. Coyote:

The nominees for the 72nd annual Golden Globe Awards were announced on Thursday morning, and much like the SAG Award nominations, the film "Birdman" leads to pack. Oh wait, we should have said "flock." That's way more clever. "Birdman" leads the flock. Remember where you heard that, everybody.

Oscar-winning actor Cuba Gooding Jr. is set to portray O.J. Simpson in FX's upcoming series "American Crime Story: The People vs. O.J. Simpson." And judging solely from the title, we're guessing this crime drama will focus on his criminal trials, and not his brief stint fighting crime with the LAPD: