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It’s not exactly what you’d call a shotgun wedding, as it was it was almost 50 years overdue.
Miss Kay, the matriarch of A&E’s “Duck Dynasty” clan, finally got the ceremony she had always dreamed of when she tied the knot with Phil in a very au courant DIY affair on their expansive rural Louisiana property.
“I guess dreams really do come true,” said Miss Kay of her vow renewal. “I feel like I’m living a fairy tale.”
Organizing the wedding was no small task, as the women of the Robertson family recruited their reluctant husbands to do everything from arrange flowers to hang lights.
“The definition of cruel and unusual punishment is hanging out on the river bank while fish are biting and I’m stuck setting up for a wedding that’s 50 years late,” groused Miss Kay and Phil’s son Jase.
Meanwhile, Phil’s brother, Vietnam veteran Si, was charged with the task of distracting Miss Kay and Phil until the ceremony.
“You’re the most integral part of this entire thing,” Miss Kay and Phil’s son Willie’s wife, Korie, told Si, explaining that he had to take the couple off the property while the family prepared the wedding. “Do not come back until 5 o’clock!”
The next day, Si took Miss Kay and Phil on a rambling “trip down memory lane,” which included a visit to a dilapidated crack house and random firework stand.
“It would be nice if you went down memory lane to run up on something that you remembered,” lamented Phil.
Si finally redeemed himself by taking Miss Kay and Phil to a tree where they carved their initials in a tree five decades earlier.
“Seeing that tree just warmed my heart,” said Miss Kay. “I can’t believe Si actually remembered that.”
Back at the Robertson compound, the family got busy decorating. The clan’s inscrutable neighbor, Mountain Man, crafted an arbor made of found branches and zip ties. Mason jars lit with candles were hung from branches, while bales of hay were turned into benches, covered with colorful swaths of fabric. The family’s fabled creek set the background, with the water sparkling and looking “like diamonds.”
For the ceremony, Phil’s brother Si served as best man, much to the chagrin of son Willie.
“Those are two words that have never been used together–best man and Si,” Willie harrumphed.
Phil justified his decision by pointing out that he and Si had been “running together since he was naked.”
“Thank goodness he’s not naked now,” quipped Willie.
Miss Kay, wearing a partial white net veil and cream-colored suit, walked down the aisle, accompanied by her two beloved dogs. As a ukulele was softly strummed, Miss Kay’s daughter-in-law Missy sang a lilting tune.
Meanwhile, Si asked his brother Phil if he was nervous. “No,” he replied. “Game wardens are the the only things that make me nervous.”
Surrounded by friends and family, the ceremony was lead by the Robertson’s eldest, clean-shaven son, Alan, who recently joined the family business after two decades as a preacher in the local church.
“We’ve hauled a lot of fish up this bank, we’ve played baseball under these trees, Si shot a few squirrels out of them as well,” said Alan, as his parents stood before him. “We all got baptized in the creek back here behind me. And now, here we are, almost 50 years after you two guys got together, having the wedding that you never had, with four generations of Robertsons looking on.”
Miss Kay fought her emotions as she looked up to her husband.
“From the time I was 14 years old, I loved you,” said Miss Kay, steeling herself. “We’ve been through some good times, and some hard times. I loved you when we were poor, and you were not so nice. Now you’re really nice and kind. And all I can say about that is – I’m not going anywhere. I will love you forever.”
Phil and Miss Kay’s youngest son was so overwhelmed with emotion, he began crying uncontrollably. “Jep – keep it together,” one of his brothers hissed.
Meanwhile, the ceremony continued.
“Let’s see, Miss Kay – we’ve been running together since we were teenagers,” said Phil. “The old blue Chevrolet, Si in the back. You have cooked me many a good meal. From your loins came four healthy, Godly men. You are my best friend and I love you dearly, and I’m going to be with you for the long haul, until they put me in the ground. Good?”
“Perfect,” beamed Miss Kay.
Reflecting on their almost five decades together, Miss Kay observed, “Our marriage is living proof that love and family can get you through anything.”
Happy, happy, happy.