Halftime in America -- the Chuck Norris version
Here is the fantasy transcript of the Super Bowl ad that didn’t air, narrated by actor Chuck Norris:
It’s the other halftime in America. The Democratic quarterback is in the locker room, giving a pep talk to his team.
“We will divide and conquer. We will try to get the people watching the game to boo and throw trash at the strongest and wealthiest players on the field and in the stands.
“We will do this to distract from our frequent fumbles, the many yards we’ve lost, the numerous field goals we’ve missed, and the several times we’ve punted lamely.
“We will complain that the playing field is tilted, even though we’re the ones who have dug it full of ditches, poured quicksand in the holes, littered the field with penalty flags, fertilized the field with seed money for greens that don’t grow, and made it difficult for doctors to work anywhere in the stadium, when players or fans are injured.
“We will win because we’ve appointed referees to call plays in our favor and we have the press on our side.”
In the other locker room, the Republican players are arguing among themselves. One gets up and says:
“Our loss would be a defeat not only for us but also for all the people watching the game.
“That’s because the Democratic team wants to control every aspect of the game and take money from just about everyone: the taxpayers and investors who built the stadium, the rich folks in the sky boxes, the small business people selling everything from peanuts and beer to pennants and popcorn, the inventors hawking their novelties in the stands, and the athletes, too.
“The fans who think the Democratic team is playing for them are mistaken. Eventually the Democratic game of envy, giveaways and weakness will also tackle everyone, because the Democratic appetite for power, money, accumulating debt and ignoring the blind side on security is insatiable.”
During halftime, a singer in a skimpy outfit simulates sex while one of the other entertainers flips the middle finger to the crowd.
A woman in the stands says to her husband: “There’s a lot at stake in the second half, which ends in November.
Whatever the outcome, we’re looking at a game changer.”
Communications consultant Jon Kraushar is at www.jonkraushar.net.