Happy Thursday everyone – it’s a big day here at Fox News. It’s our 25th anniversary. Yep 25 years ago, this network was launched. And Joe Biden had just turned 69
25 years. Now normally, if somethings over 25, it's too old for me.
But so much as happened in that time. So, what was it like back then when we started? Well, unlike mainstream media, we weren't afraid to take chances. Mainly because FNC didn’t drug test us back then.
Here's our first morning show, called "Marshmallow and Friends."
*Video of a man with face tied up trying to eat marshmallows off a string*
Hard to believe that didn't win a daytime Emmy. I remember Doocy having to give Kilmeade the Heimlich because he started choking on one of those little buggers. Their ratings plunged when Kilmeade survived.
But we also created hard-hitting primetime programming. Like "The Slap Factor."
*Video of a man getting slapped a lot*
Our motto – "We slap, You decide how hard." That's also written in lipstick on the mirror above my waterbed.
But people also came to Fox for the personalities. Unlike places like CNN, where hapless drones regurgitated words from a teleprompter. You'd find more charisma on a coroner’s table.
But Fox created relationships with its viewers, with dynamic, likeable characters. You probably don't remember this lively debate show -- "Klucko and Murgla."
*Clip from Terrahawks in which character calls another a "very stupid doctor"*
They were arguing over the Iraq war.
Then there's our edgy late-night show, "Let's talk about Sax."
*Video of a dancing man playing saxophone*
That went on from 11 pm to 5 am.
And of course, this was our afternoon chat show, called 'We Eat Children."
*Video from Pipkins showing a rabbit describing a hand puppet*
We cut out the part where they eat the children.
And our weekend show, "Ferris Wheel Losers."
*Video of men on a manual Ferris wheel*
That later became "Outnumbered."
Finally, we launched our business channel with, "Ultimate Stock Tips!"
*Video of an automated mouth making noises into a microphone*
That guy got me to buy a lot of stock in Enron.
Yes, we’ve grown a lot since then. Well, not me. I’ve actually shrunk.
But I don’t think there’s been a success story quite like Fox. Coming from out of nowhere – mocked by the mainstream. And then beating the hell (and the lies) out of all of them.
All the other networks liked to s*** all over us, and then suddenly they all tried to become us. Fox News quickly became number one. And made the other networks look like number two. And it happened for one reason -- it wasn't afraid.
We had bigger balls than a circus elephant. Fox wasn’t trying to fit in with some media cool kids table. If you look at our competition, they were terrified of upsetting their industry peers, which is what happens when you all play for the same team.
Fox said screw that – there's an entire country not being served, and we're taking them. I wonder what life would be like without Fox News?
Imagine if there was only one perspective in other areas of life...
*Skit of man seeing a doctor for sore elbow and being told he was going to die and couldn't receive a second opinion*
I got to Fox 13 years ago. You remember this classic...
*Intro of the Red Eye premier saying they were going to talk about porn*
Yeah, that’s aged well – like a loaf of white bread that fell behind the refrigerator 5 years ago.
But as odd as that show was, Fox stood by it like a nurse beside a gravely ill patient. Of course, they put us on at 3 am. I think that was the first example of social distancing. They hid us like a body in the trunk of a serial killer’s car.
But they also saw something in me, besides a pint of gin and 25 bar olives. They saw my genius, the talent, my quads. And they knew I was the man they wanted to see at 3 am in the Eastern Time Zone – on TV – instead of outside their windows – crouched in the bushes.
But, I’m grateful to Fox. It's amazing they hired me after Visiting Angels fired me when they found out I was stealing bedpans. Hey, they made great dinner plates.
And history has a way of repeating itself. The way Fox News entered the arena and clobbered mainstream news, this show is now doing the same thing with late night.
The mainstream media treated us like a joke. Now we’re the ones delivering the punchlines, and every night, millions of you are laughing along with us.
The current crop of stale, boring, partisan late-night hosts are more interested in having Nancy Pelosi write their scripts than they are in keeping their audience interested. SNL won’t even make fun of Joe Biden. No wonder they had their lowest-rated show in history last week – their season premiere.
This show followed the game plan of Fox News: look at what all the sheep are doing, and provide what's missing – The unspeakable truths. The humor. The fun.
Fox News also loves its country. And for that, Fox stood apart from the other media types who thought it cool to denigrate the bitter clingers.
As CNN devolves into a shrill clown car of sad scolds, we laugh harder than Kamala Harris after doing 5 whippets.
As MSNBC continues to use the emergency room at the mental hospital as their employee pool, we hire the renegades.
And as late-night shows become just more boring soapbox lectures, we’re re-inventing.
All of those people will keep watching us, and they will keep reporting what we do and say, and we will continue to gladly let them. And we have you to thank for this.
So thanks America. And, also, you're welcome America.
This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld's opening monologue on the October 7, 2021 edition of "Gutfeld!"