So C-SPAN just announced its ranking of presidents based on the analysis of 142 historians. But the story isn't the rankings, because you can pretty much guess the outcome.
It's gonna be the guy who freed the slaves.
A Republican, in case everyone forgot. Feel free to remind the mobs as they tear down his statue.
And of course, Barack Obama is near the top.
Although he wasn't number one - which clearly makes this entire survey racist.
In fact, including other presidents on this list - who are all White - is disgusting.
They should have made the whole list, Obama.
But the story isn't the ranking - it's the coverage of the rankings.
We've had a lot of presidents, at least 15, Kat. But the media only cared about one.
Politicos headline: "Trump debuts at 41st in C-SPAN rankings."
CNN's headline - "Trump is one of history's worst presidents, survey says."
Sounds like CNN ripping off Family Feud again.
From Business Insider: "Historians rank trump among worst presidents in history."
USA Today: "Historians rank trump near the bottom."
USNews.com also says "Trump debuts near bottom of survey."
And CNN double dips, because it's Trump: "presidential historian - Trump should not be happy with this."
Yes, because the negative opinion of professors matters to the most famous person on earth.
"Melania - those men with the pipes don't like me! Fetch me the Lexapro from the yacht!"
There's Slate: "What it takes to be a worse president than Trump."
And finally, the Washington Post: "Historians just ranked the president. Trump wasn't last."
So, you know what this reminds me of? When some girl just broke up with your best friend. And while your friend keeps saying how relieved it's over, he still can't stop talking about her. He won't shut up about her.
That's the media. They're heartsick. Because the bad boy who gave them the most attention isn't around to stoke that passion anymore. Once you’ve fried your tastebuds with flamin’ hot Cheetos – you can’t switch back to creamed corn.
That's what Joe has for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Because it's creamed.
Now, none of the headlines even mention the winner. Nothing mattered - except for Trump.
It doesn't border on obsession. It is an obsession. The Calvin Klein fragrance for media who just can’t let go.
And it manifests itself in hilarious ways, like those headlines, but also in vindictive ways.
Manhattan DA Cy Bance punctuated his long-running investigation into The Trump Organization with indictments.
RACHEL MADDOW: The charges could lay the groundwork for the next steps in the wider investigation which will focus on Mr. Trump…the way the times is reporting this tonight it sounds like that's what's next with a focus on Mr. Trump himself.
DON LEMON: Never seen anything like this, a former president, its family business, and its chief financial officer charged with a 15-year alleged tax scheme.
CHRIS CUOMO: Most troubling for the former president isn't what's in these pages, it's that this story reads like it's just one chapter and there could be more to come.
Just one chapter…like your brother's book! You can't be talking about anything right now, pal.
Oh… They're so excited! Tick tick boom! It happened. Finally!
It's worse than Watergate.
Everyone's going to jail!
But... Did you see the charges?
Yeah - after pouring over years of tax records, all they got was an alleged failure to pay taxes on corporate perks, something that would've been settled with a fine. This charge is the tax equivalent of tearing the tag off a mattress.
But it's Trump, so they pulled out all the stops. And the handcuffs.
The prosecutors made a show of handcuffing the company's CFO, some old guy, and walking him down a hall crowded with reporters. How classy.
So - political enemies get the perp walk while violent criminals get a quicker release than Bunter Biden logging on to Pornhub.
If you run a company, and on the government's radar, you should worry a little.
This was obviously a political inquisition, not a criminal one. A revenge fantasy playing out to justify the years and resources devoted to this case. As Stalin's head of secret police said "show me the man and I'll show you the crime."
So they put some old guy in cuffs because it's Trump.
It might seem like a small thing – a tax case in New York City.
But it's just another example of how Trump derangement poisoned so many things and hurt so many people.
You have an entire party rejecting law and order - because trump was for it. Result: explosion in crime and death.
You have an entire party rejecting practical solutions on the border, because Trump was for them. Result: border chaos, children abandoned.
You have an entire party and media mocking anything thing Trump said about COVID. The result: China escapes culpability.
If Trump promoted oxygen, they’d hold their breath until they ended up braindead
Which is perfect for hosting a show on CNN.
It's an interesting phenomenon.
Watching people inflict pain on their own country because Trump reminds them of their daddy who didn't love them.
Which is why the survey deeply comforts the media, as they wonder if orange Godzilla ever thinks of them, as much as they think of him
He doesn't. That would be impossible.
This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld's opening monologue on the July 2, 2021 edition of "Gutfeld!"