Greg Gutfeld: CNN was the original Karen
'It's a clown car, minus the car'
You know who's not happy? CNN.
Once a destination for news when TV was black and white is now a motley assortment of glum freaks touting what's left of their shredded reputation.
They act like the former Soviet Union, clinging to past glory, and full of communists.
It's a clown car, minus the car. So, between the first and second quarters of this year, the network has lost more than half of its audience. Yes, in mere months, they went from six people trapped in an airport watching Don Lemon cry, to three. And those three viewers were baggage handlers on break.
Yeah, they're racing to the bottom faster than Brian Stelter eating a can of concentrated tomato paste. It's not elegant, but it's tasty.
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Their primetime hours are in freefall, averaging under a million viewers. Meanwhile, in the daytime, it's roughly 650,000 viewers.
I get that many viewers when I do nude pilates on my balcony.
Reliable Sources, hosted by Captain Pop and Fresh, lost 53% of its viewers since January. Remember his tough question to Jen Psaki was asking her how he could do his job better. Well, that's easy. Stop writing books about Fox News and report the news, you shaved hampster.
No wonder people take him as seriously as a velcro wallet.
Since last year, CNN lost 49% of total viewers. They're changing their slogan from the 'Worldwide Leader in News' to ‘The Most-Watched News Network at Planet Fitness.’
MSNBC lost viewers too, but not nearly as much. So you can't attribute it to generic disinterest. They got hit, losing 37% in primetime.
And Fox lost a little too, which is understandable given a country reopening, coming out of an election, summer arriving, slow news, Brian Kilmeade…
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But there's something else going on with CNN. They don't have a single show in the top 20. Who could have predicted this.
DONALD TRUMP: Do you miss me? They miss me. They miss me. I know. They look at their bad ratings, and they're saying ‘we miss this guy.’ I said it was going to happen, I was waiting for them to endorse me, actually. I know that was a big step, but they're going down the tubes. Their numbers are very bad.
It's funny because it's true. And it's funny because it's Trump.
All CNN had going for it were broken remote controls at Grandmas and a deep hatred for Trump, and everything associated with him, from his once 89-million followers on Twitter to the guy who makes his Taco salads.
And once their target of hatred left the White House, their only narrative was orphaned.
Of course, they continued loathing Trump supporters, but it just wasn't the same. To CNN, the White House without Trump was like One Direction without Zayn.
See, Trump was such a big interesting target that CNN could feed off him like a giant leech. It was an endless buffet spread of yummy stories. Remove that, and you see CNN for what it is.
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First, unappealing and angry hosts. CNN was ‘Karen’ before ‘Karen’ even existed.
In fact, it's unfair to Karens to keep using that name negatively, when it's really not Karen, it's Don, Chris, and Anderson who were there first.
CNN is the one-stop shaming network, their disapproving anchors always wagging an overpaid finger.
They pass judgment like a cattle farm passes gas.
CNN went from respected news to a rumor-mongering hate machine. You could say their fomenting of racial strife helped destroy cities.
You could say they have more blood on their hands than Hanibal Lector after lunch.
You could say that, but I won't, because I'm not that type of guy.
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But also, CNN's obsession with Trump led to butt-loads of errors, from collusion to Kavanaugh, Lafayette Square, the Wuhan Lab, hands up don't shoot, Avenatti, Russia Russia Russia.
They walked back more tales than a tuxedo delivery service.
But their strategy was always to pivot from one Trump tale to another. Now that he's gone, so goes that strategy.
Meanwhile, at the same time, we saw CNN collapse, something else was going on.
‘Gutfeld!’ It was the number one cable news show in total viewers for the hour.
Get this fact: at 11:00 p.m., we surpassed every CNN show, in every hour. Think about that.
This little spunky show at 11:00 p.m. is beating all their shows in primetime.
That's not like David beating Goliath, it's like David beating Goliath and then marrying his sister so you have to see him every Thanksgiving.
This show also toppled some long-running alleged comedy shows on the comedy networks including both Jimmies.
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Not a bad start for that the legacy media had branded a certain failure. They wanted us to fail so bad because they're miserable people.
The failed comedians, the unhappy blog writers, the blue-check doctors on Twitter. They needed this show not to work because they weren't working either.
But now the numbers are in, and we crushed it. And, weirdly, they've gone quiet. But it's not over yet. I'm not ready to have the last laugh. I just enjoy the fact that we're all laughing. We're having a good time. We don't talk down to the viewers.
Well, let's be honest. I can't talk down to anyone.
But we aren't interested in dividing people. We don't tell family members to inform on liberals or try to de-platform CNN.
We want you to go to bed feeling hope, not hopeless. And we don't think the other side is evil. We just think they're wrong and human.
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But they think we're evil. That's the lesson.
A network built on hate is failing. But a show built on love is thriving. I mean, look at the love we show each other.
GREG: Tyrus, I'm glad you got dressed today.
GREG: You're not a clean person are you. You're a dirty slob.
GREG: Judge, you don't care, you're so rich.
JUDGE JEANINE: I am not!
GREG: Steve, welcome to the show, I gather you just got off a charity fun-run.
JESSE: Greg, you really blew that set-up.
GREG: What is snobbery? Define snobbery?
TYRUS: Got a mirror?
GREG: Jim, you are White, and I would say probably a jerk, right?
GREG: Morgan, I hope you left your motorcycle out back.
GREG: It's hard because you don't have many friends to begin with, so did your friend circle shrink to, like, minus six?
GREG: Jimmy, it looks like you actually mugged Liberachi with that jacket.
GREG: Abby, welcome to the show. I just want to warn you, this is not like Fox Nation where you can just use the F-word whenever you want.
TYRUS: To that point, you're bat s--- crazy.
GREG: I was going to bring this up to you, Julie, because you have children, which is a scary thought.
GREG: Once again, I'm glad you're refusing to get dressed up for this show.
GREG: I know that last night you were probably in some hotel room, bombed out of your show, you barely knew where you were.
GREG: You Fox & Friends elitists, with your curvy couches and your cooking segments, think you can come up here.
GREG: You're a shut-in, you don't go out very often.
GREG: You know, Kat, before you got married, you were filthy.
GREG: You never went to bed this weekend. You just came straight from the club.
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You know, that's love.
And maybe our success and sensitivity can teach CNN something. Maybe they'll look at Gutfeld and go, ‘you know, he’s more than a pretty face. He's also very short.'
This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld's opening monologue on the July 1, 2021 edition of "Gutfeld!"