Gutfeld: Let's impeach everybody
'Gutfeld!' panelists weigh in on the 'fiascos' surrounding the Biden family as Speaker Kevin McCarthy ignites impeachment talks.
Here we go, you better be loud. Happy Wednesday, everyone. So was it just a speech or will they really impeach? But first, what's the latest on the Biden crime family? Yeah, pretty good. Specifically, Commander, the new first family dog whose taste for human flesh rivals the cast of "Outnumbered." You didn't know that, did you? Anyway, the first dog they got for publicity purposes, Major, had to hit the road for biting. He was part German Shepherd and part Brian Stelter. Of course, Joe accused one Secret Service agent of lying about being bitten. At least we know the teeth weren't Joe's, he keeps them in a jar on top of the night stand. Nonetheless, Major was replaced by Commander who is now biting people. Commander bit seven people over a four-month period, including two Secret Service agents and a worker at Biden's Delaware home. But hey, you'd be a cranky dog, too, if they kept blaming you for the messes that Joe leaves on the carpet. You're terrible. Okay, I'll take.
But that's only the eighth or ninth-worst thing that happened to the Biden White House this week and now House Speaker Kevin McCarthy is using the I-word, that's impeachment. Meanwhile, Joe's degenerate crackhead son is embroiled in one fiasco after another and Joe is in the middle of most of them. So, like my immense talent, it's becoming too much to hide anymore. There's Burisma, the energy company that hired Hunter for his expertise, using butane to heat up his crack pipes, and there's the shady fine art scam, some broad buys a picture of special-ed art by a moron and then gets a plum assignment at a prestigious commission. If that's not a quid pro quo, I'm unattractive, and we know that's not true. There's Joe's seventh granddaughter, who he still won't acknowledge. I could go on, but I don't want to bore you like Jesse Watters, because that's his job.
HUNTER BIDEN PLEADS 'NOT GUILTY' AS PLEA DEAL FALLS APART DURING DELAWARE COURT APPEARANCE
A courtroom sketch depicting Hunter Biden in a federal courtroom in Wilmington, Delaware on July 26, 2023. (COURTESY: William J. Hennessy, Jr.)
JESSE WATTERS: Why did the CIA lie to the voters before the last election about the laptop? Why did the FBI censor the laptop? Why were IRS investigators prevented from pursuing leads against Joe Biden? Why did the Biden family constantly get tipped off? Why were search warrants blocked? Why do you set up two dozen shell companies if you have a legitimate business? What is the Biden family business?
Hmm. That's the most impressive thing he's ever done and he once read a book. But that's a clear case for impeachment. And what does Joe have to say about all this?
REPORTER: Mr. President, McCarthy says he may consider an impeachment inquiry to get to the bottom of...
Finally, we know how to get him to shut up, either that or he crapped his pants and was running to the bathroom. So they lie, cheat, steal, launder, they exploit the office, oh, wait, sorry. I'm getting word that the president cured cancer.
PRESIDENT BIDEN, TUESDAY: I said I'd cure cancer. They looked at me like, why cancer? Because no one thinks we can, that's why and we can. We ended cancer as we know.
Mm. Forget everything I said. He cured cancer. Story's over, but there's bigger news. After his plea deal fell apart, Hunter pled not guilty today to federal tax and gun charges. It happened after the judge wouldn't promise immunity from future prosecutions, including foreign lobbying. But leave it to cringe to dodge questions about Hunter. I wonder if she's been asked this question multiple times and if nothing has changed.
KARINE JEAN-PIERRE: I was asked this question multiple times on Monday and nothing has changed... As I stated on Monday, when I was asked this question multiple times, nothing has changed. Nothing has changed on this. Nothing has changed on this. And so you could ask me a million different ways on this question, nothing has changed.
HUNTER BIDEN AGREES TO PLEAD GUILTY TO FEDERAL TAX CHARGES
Hunter Biden walks into federal court in Delaware where he is set to plead guilty to charges over probe into his tax affairs. (Fox News)
Other things that haven't been changed. Her incompetence. If I was this bad at my job, I'd be fired or at least become Judge Jeanine's driver. Meanwhile, the judge also threatened his legal team with sanctions after they allegedly tried to get testimony from IRS whistleblowers removed by impersonating lawyers for the House GOP over the phone. I mean, who are these lawyers, The Jerky Boys? Oh, wow. I know that's a call back. So impeachment or not, the stench of corruption rivals "The View's" bathroom on Taco Tuesday. Speaking of, I wonder what "The View" had to say.
THE VIEW/WHOOPI GOLDBERG: What bribery scheme? How much punishment does Biden need because he won and they lost?
THE VIEW/JOY BEHAR: Well, that's the problem. I keep seeing these indictments coming down from Trump, and they're like... what are we going to do? Let's turn it around and make it about him, about Biden, and take your eyes off of Trump, even though he's a criminal, and put your eyes on this guy.
Oh, at least they got their looks. So, what about impeachment? Bill Clinton was impeached for putting his junk where it wasn't supposed to go. Or, was it his cigar? I can't remember. Either way, he lied about it under oath. But in retrospect, that seems as minor as the girls Joe likes to sniff. Hell, Bill didn't even leave any cocaine lying around the White House. It was a different sort of white stuff, but here's the thing. Thank you.
Hunter Biden, son of President Joe Biden, departs the J. Caleb Boggs Federal Building on July 26, 2023 in Wilmington, Delaware. Biden pleaded not guilty to two misdemeanor tax charges in a deal with prosecutors to avoid prosecution on an additional gun charge. However, the federal judge overseeing the case unexpectedly delayed Biden’s plea deal and deferred her decision until more information is put forth by both the prosecution and the defense. (Anna Moneymaker/Getty Images)
But here's the thing, Donald Trump was impeached for just talking about the Burisma scandal. It only seems fair to impeach Joe for participating in the Burisma scandal, but I hate impeachments because it's all political team sport. Imagine in the Super Bowl one coach could stop the game by suing the other coach for trying to win. And that's what they did to Trump and the media loves it as long as it's a Republican on the spit.
So I say impeach away. They wasted our time. Let's waste theirs. And it's deserved. Joe instructed his dirtbag son to make it rain in exchange for influence. If that's not another quid pro quo, I'm Perry Mason in a moomoo. But why stop there? Let's impeach everybody. Jill Biden insists on being called Dr., has she ever set a broken bone? Nope. Her husband's a corpse, so at best, she's a coroner. And what does she do if somebody in a movie theater has a heart attack, and she hears, "is there a doctor in the house?" Does she stand up and say, "Yes, I'm a doctor of education? Would you like to hear my thoughts on mentoring and literacy?" I say impeach her. And what about Kamala? She hasn't broken any laws that I know of because she hasn't done ****, period. Her idea of a hard day's work is a few hours of cackling and then a nap. What about Mayorkas? He's let in more drug smugglers than my bachelor party. Mayor Pete, none of the transportation problems are his fault, after all, he was on vacation.
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But hell, we could fill the next three months with impeachments, because if you're going to get rid of Commander, because he bites, get rid of this whole administration, because they bite, too.
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