This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," July 4, 2020. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: Happy Independence Day, everyone. Independence, freedom means a lot more these days, doesn't it? Because to say we've had our freedom tested this year is an understatement. It's like saying Greg looks just okay in a speedo. No, I look just amazing. Thank you.
But the world sure took a strange turn, thanks to the real threat of pandemics and the disturbing rebranding of protest. We lost the freedom to go to work and earn a living, the freedom to go out and socialize, get a haircut, hug grandma, hug grandma while giving her a haircut.
And of course the freedom to run a small business without some D-bag setting fire to it in the name of justice.
Let's face it, this first half of 2020 has been a flaming pile of garbage.
Do you expect a new year to be fresh and hopeful and exciting? You know, it's like a blind date. We all hope 2020 was going to be on the other side of the door looking like this Elvis, and instead, we got this Elvis.
But if 2020 we're a band, it would be Maroon 5. If 2020 we're a TV show, it would be "The View." If 2020 we're human, it would be this jerk.
We had no idea how much crazy we were in for. Every week, things got weirder and scarier. And just when you thought it couldn't get more chaotic, there was still room for more crazy.
You know how TV shows who do predictions at the beginning of every year, let's see how we did.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: "Fortune" magazine which sadly isn't a magazine devoted to "Wheel of Fortune," Terry, has taken on the awesome task of making some predictions about the year ahead. Some highlights, they expect turbulence in the world economy, but nothing like the crash of 2008.
They think Quentin Tarantino may finally win a Best Directing Oscar. And he should.
KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: I like to look towards the future, just assuming general gloom and doom.
GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: I'm going to need more apples.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Wow, I really did lose a lot of weight, like half a person. Anyway, that past glimpse offered absolutely nothing to this present show. I got dumber actually listening to it. And the guesses weren't even close. But who could have predicted this stuff that would really happen.
You could have predicted schools would be closed and you'd be stuck inside the house with your kids all day, working from home, too, if you were lucky, but with no pro sports to watch. And also, soccer. Can't go to the gym anymore? Yes, I was back to lifting socks filled with sand and teeth.
If Tyrus had predicted social distancing, we'd be like what are you talking about? It'd be the same if Kat had predicted a global shortage of toilet paper, which leads to videos like this.
[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]
GUTFELD: The world is going to hell. No one predicted any of this, that so many things would be canceled. Basketball, baseball, hockey, proms, graduations, comedians, movies, statues, cops on TV and cops on the street.
Yes, that was the next wave of crazy -- defunding the police. Did anyone think we'd be having that conversation, especially after all of the looting and the destruction?
Now, all of the outrage is united by one theme -- discussion is over. Dialogue is now replaced by violence because the loons have no realistic demands. Defunding the police? You're just asking for a no. And then if you do, it's never enough, is it?
So you saw a media defend lawlessness as protest. Of course, when the riot gets too close to their homes, they call the cops. No surprise.
But if you want to see a community without cops, we just got a glimpse. Take that Autonomous Zone in Seattle, where cops weren't allowed. First, they called it the CHAZ, now, it's the CHOP. Either way, they built a wall and walked the streets armed. In short, they became briefly Republican. All they needed were golf clubs, except they did it wrong on other people's turf.
The moment you allow trespassing under the guise of protest, man, that guarantees trouble because if local government allows that as it had, it's going to pit citizens versus the mob.
So everyone in the media defending criminal behavior, they end up ushering in a war that we didn't see coming, especially if they then mocked the public for trying to defend itself from the criminals. The elites are laughing at you as they protect themselves.
But I'm glad the zone was tried. So the rest of the idiots see how a society works without police, it doesn't. And we still got the virus among us.
Just when some parts of the country are starting to open up again, other parts are reclosing. We've experienced life without our freedoms and it sucks. We want it back. But with freedom comes responsibility. We know that.
So keep washing your hands, wear a mask, be mindful of grandma and others at risk. That way, maybe we can stop the virus, but not the craziness. Because on top of everything else, it's an election year.
So the good news, 2020 is half over. The bad news, 2020 is only half over.
ANNOUNCER: Period.
GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guest. He went from detonator to communicator, retired U.S. Marine Corps bomb technician and Fox News contributor, Joey Jones.
He'll make you laugh like a fat giraffe. Host of "The Quiz Show" on Fox nation. Tom Shillue. Glad he shaved.
She is he's pale, frail and will end up in jail. Host of "Sincerely, Kat" on Fox Nation, Katherine Timpf.
And he refers to Bigfoot as a little fella. My massive sidekick and the host of "Nuff Said" on Fox nation, Tyrus.
All right. Joey, Joey Jones. What's your thought on the year so far? Are you worried about the next six months?
JOHNNY JOEY JONES, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: I don't know if I'm worried about anything other than college football right now. I am -- I'm sweating bullets on if my Bulldogs are going to get to play.
But hunting season will come. I know, no one will stop me from going in the woods and sitting alone, so I'm pretty good with it.
GUTFELD: Yes. Hey, Tyrus, are we due for some good news? Like doesn't feel like it's coming? Coming?
MURDOCH: Yes. We're due for some good news like the Georgia Bulldogs are due for a national championship. It's just, you know, it hurts. It can't rain all the time. There's light at the end of the tunnel. You know, but the clouds are huge. The tunnels are really long. GPS cuts off in the tunnel.
So yes, at some point, we're going to get some good news.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: But it might be -- the good news is, that part's over.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: And then right when you take a deep breath and go, here is the new part. Enjoy.
GUTFELD: You know what the good news is? Tyrus will be eating more apples. That will be the --
MURDOCH: I did. You know what? I'm the only one who did what he said. I still eat my apples.
GUTFELD: Yes, that is true.
MURDOCH: I'm apple strong.
GUTFELD: Tom Shillue, always has really good advice when there's like challenging times because I've traveled with him all around the country and when I'm complaining, he goes, but Greg, but Greg, look at it as an adventure. It's like an adventure. That's what this is. It's an adventure.
Tom, do you look at 2020 as an adventure.
TOM SHILLUE, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: I do and I'm encouraged that people are -- I believe people are starting and are going to continue to push back on this stuff.
I think everything bad that happened this year was a result of those terrible shutdowns. They never should have happened. This was the biggest mistake that public officials ever made.
And Greg, I am a total -- it has turned me into a complete radical. No, I do not trust these people. No, I do not trust public health officials. Even if I did, the shutdowns were wrong and we should never let them happen again.
It's a free country. I'm so glad that that freedom is the theme of your monologue today, Greg, because we have to start taking our freedom back and I want people -- I want people to go back to work whether they give us permission to or not.
It is sickening that we are doing what these bureaucrats say.
GUTFELD: You know, I'm trying to see you as a radical Tom, you make Richie Cunningham look like Abbie Hoffman. I just -- but maybe you're the new radical. You're the new radical.
All right, Kat, you were actually kind of right on your prediction, because you just basically relied on your default mechanism of gloom and doom.
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFELD: So, you there's no way you can be wrong.
TIMPF: You're never disappointed.
GUTFELD: So what's the next thing? Is it an asteroid? Or is it Civil War? Because I think we're going to have Civil War. We are sacrificing rule of law. And I think we're going to have Civil War and an asteroid coming down at the same time.
TIMPF: Yes, it's like I could make some sort of prediction, but I'm not even sure how much longer the world will be around to receive my prediction.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: I saw a picture of myself from this time last year and I was at the warp tour. I know I went to the warp tour at 30 minutes or whatever.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: And I before even thinking about what kind of time I had, I was like, what am I doing in public with the lower half of my face exposed? My whole perspective has changed.
I used to judge people waiting out in line to get into a club just so they can allow others to sweat all over them while they scream at each other over music that sounds like all the phones in a Verizon store went off at the same time, and I still stand by that in terms of the club, but now I'm like hanging out in the line sounds kind of fun, you know, out there breathing the air without a mask. I mean what a party.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: I just -- I didn't know how good I had it.
GUTFELD: It's true. It's true. And by the way, there was one victory. You can always throw up another picture of me from that clip. I look so much better now. Thank you, 2020. It's clear that anguish and anxiety makes me better looking. Amazing.
All right, enough. We are just weeks away from my new book. It's called "The Plus." It is fantastic. If you haven't ordered it, it's self-help for people who hates self-help. It's in the stores July 28th. You can preorder your copy now.
It'll change your life, maybe even temporarily, available at https://urldefense.proofpoint.com/v2/url?u=http-3A__ggutfeld.com&d=DwICAg&c=cnx1hdOQtepEQkpermZGwQ&r=tgDLkJy54PfJyWJwul3dKe54qGxqO7b7d5vjo7RcZds&m=GEUqvIUA2XhWCrSpjW3LVwT4ypvt2DgXiDZPvNJAZOA&s=R4R8i4-smNq1EVaSplwg1Ovfaga0mbOm3FYjVmUaOjk&e= and all major book retailers.
Up next. Looking ahead to the Trump-Biden face off. That sounds gross.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: So many questions surround this election. Four long months until we go to the polls. What will the conventions be like? What will the debates be like? Will Joe ever leave the basement? Take that extra case of Poligrip with him and hit them campaign trail? Or is he going to follow the doctor's orders?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOE BIDEN (D), PRESUMPTIVE DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE: I'm going to follow the doctor's orders. Not just for me, but for the country and that means that I am not going to be holding rallies, but you know me, I'd much rather be out there with people because that's where I get the greatest feel. I can get a sense of what -- by the look in their eyes.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: The greatest feel, you know, now I think he's right to stay home. Don't go out and feel anything, Joe. Stay home and pick a running mate. I said pick, not poke, not prod, not press up against, purely by accident.
But like everything else these days, we don't know what the future holds. And right now, predictions are worth about as much as my navel lint, which on eBay is going for $17,000.00 a gram.
But I'll go out on a limb and say this, no one wants to be VP more than a certain Cherokee warrior named Liz.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TIMPF IMPERSONATING ELIZABETH WARREN: Joe, why are you playing so hard to get with this VP thing? Screw you, Joe. I want to be Trump's VP. That's right. I'm going full MAGA, baby. Okay. Mike Pence is not conservative enough.
Did you know he condones premarital handholding? That's disgusting. I mean, what is this? Sodom and Gomorrah?
When I am Trump's VP, we're going to tax people for driving hybrid cars. If you ain't guzzling gas, you don't get out pass. And we're not just going to build some regular border wall, we're going to build one of fire and demons.
Satan exists and he's going to help us keep the illegals out.
So, Mr. President, call me and if I don't answer right away, it's just because I was delivering My Pillows to the troops.
Okay, I'll see you. I'll see you.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: All right. Kat, why do you think Joe is waiting so long to name a VP? Could it be that he thought he already has and he forgot?
TIMPF: Again, yes, I think that Joe would not be the place to look for the answer to that question. I'm not sure that he's going to have any input. I've said that before. Right? I'm sure he's probably thrown out suggestions. But who is he talking to when he throws out this suggestion to the wall of his basement.
I think that Democratic Party, they're going to decide for him and he can try and push back, but I feel like it's going to be quite easy to be able to convince him to do whatever they want because he is going to be like, oh, yes, okay, all right, come on, man. He's tired.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: And again, I get it. I'm tired all the time and I'm not even 32 yet. So he has got a right to be tired at this point. He won't have a say.
GUTFELD: Not even 32 yet.
TIMPF: Yes, not to brag. I am so adorable.
GUTFELD: Yes, at least you're not counting, huh. Tyrus, so Joe's best attribute is that he's not there. I mean, that's -- the less you see of him, the better he does. I mean, that's not necessarily a great selling point.
MURDOCH: You know, the more I study these old white men, the more I'm just in awe at how they're able to just manipulate and just get away with murder.
He literally hasn't shown up for work. He's at home chilling. And no one has got a problem with it. They're praising him for it. He's smart. He gets it, but I don't get it.
I'm three minutes late for the green room here, I get scathing e-mails from Joan and Hale. Kat, doesn't return my text. Greg pretends like he's happy to see me. But he forgets the camera is still on and he'd be like, was he two minutes late? It's ridiculous. I don't care how big he is.
But Joe Biden, he's just hanging out in his basement. You know the worst thing is? Is they boxed him. They backed him in a corner. And they said he is picking a woman of color for VP. And now he has to find exactly what they told him or he's agreed to do, and the best candidate might not be that one. And that's probably why he is struggling right now because he has to wait to see which part of the Democratic Party which is like eight parts of them is going to be okay and not revolt from him with his eventual pick.
And so it's a really tough time for him and it's a good time to be in the basement.
GUTFELD: So Tom, this is a Scott Adams theory. If Biden wins, the country might be even more unstable because he's actually frightened of doing anything about any of the violence or the uprisings, Antifa. It'll just because he owes so much to the far left, that they're just going to run right over him.
SHILLUE: Absolutely. And I think that a lot of people -- we make fun of Joe here and we have fun with his cognitive problems and everything like that.
GUTFELD: Do we?
SHILLUE: We do. We do, Greg.
GUTFELD: I don't.
SHILLUE: Well, I think conservatives ought to watch out on this thing of saying, oh, Biden, you know, he's got dementia or whatever. He is cognitively behind.
TIMPF: And Tom never has anything to do with any jokes that you do here.
GUTFELD: Yes.
SHILLUE: I mean, the thing is, they should not stress -- that is not the reason to not elect Joe Biden, to say, oh, he's not cognitive -- he is not on the ball. Well, he's just on the ball enough to ruin the country. So they should admit that he will be able to function in the job.
I mean, let's face it, even if other people are running the show, Joe Biden will be able to do a lot of damage. They should focus on the damage not on the fact that he doesn't know where he is, even though he doesn't know where he is, but he doesn't need to be that good to impress people. You know what's going to happen.
If he has a debate, all he has to do is survive for two hours and then the narrative will change with help from the media. They'll say Sleepy Joe, no more. He is so on the ball.
GUTFELD: Yes. What do you think Joey?
JONES: Yes, I think he's normalized the gaffe. We've almost beat that horse too much. And that's a big problem for Trump. You know, Trump is exhausted right now.
You do you do a two-hour press conference every day for a month, and people have gotten their feel of President Trump, so he's lost a little bit of that factor.
But as a guy who attended the 28 to 3 Super Bowl for the Atlanta Falcons, you cannot rest on a lead, and so, this whole bringing in a VP late in the race is smart because he's probably going to get a bump out of it and you want that on like November 1st at this point.
GUTFELD: You know what, Joe Biden could use a bump.
MURDOCH: So could the Falcons. Go Tom Brady.
JONES: I'll leave it alone.
TIMPF: I know what Tom Brady is. Who he is.
GUTFELD: Yes. He is quite a ball player. Still not the most famous graduate of Sierra High School though.
MURDOCH: Nope. That would be Greg Gutfeld.
GUTFELD: Yes. Not even Barry bonds. All right -- or Greg Jeffries or Lynn Swann, I can keep going. Jess Fratis. We're going to answer some of the questions you've sent in to us. I hope you've washed your hands before sending them.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
ASHLEY STROHMIER, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CORRESPONDENT: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Ashley Strohmier. Americans celebrating the Fourth of July in the shadow of the coronavirus pandemic, the White House hosting a "Salute to America" featuring military flyovers and a massive fireworks display, this despite a spike in COVID-19 cases across the nation.
Many of the guests gathering in the South Lawn did not practice social distancing, but some did wear a mask. Grounds were noticeably thinner at the National Mall than in previous years. The National Park Service handed out masks, but they were not required.
Health experts urged Americans to skip the big parties, large crowds and stay home. Others spent the day on the streets demanding racial equality and police reform. Protesters marched near the White House and along the National Mall. They chanted and held sign saying, "I can't breathe" and "Black Lives Matter."
Stay with Fox News as we continue to update you on the nationwide protests throughout the night. I'm Ashley Strohmier. Now back to THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW.
GUTFELD: It's time for viewer mail. That thing that happens on the holiday shows, because we're just too lazy. Here are just a handful of the dozens you submitted on Facebook and Twitter. And as always, these are directed to everyone even myself.
Paul, you know, Paul. He asked on our Facebook page, what were your favorite TV shows when you were a young? I have to go to Tyrus first because you what you probably watched as much TV as I did.
MURDOCH: "Latchkey Kid." Yes. How about everything on the two channels we had, but, probably my all-time favorite, which I still watch today is probably "The Incredible Hulk." That was my -- that was my favorite. I love the "A-Team" and the "Dukes of Hazzard" wasn't too bad either.
GUTFELD: Did you ever watch "Shazam" and the "Mighty Isis Hour"?
MURDOCH: Yes, I did. That was good, too.
GUTFELD: Driving around in the Winnebago.
MURDOCH: The Winnebago and they always flew over the same mountain.
GUTFELD: Yes. But you know who was hot? The woman who played Isis. That brunette lady, Joanne something? I had the biggest crush on her before I even know what a crush was and I didn't have any puberty issues. But you know, I just like liked her. I'm going to move on now because I'm starting to be embarrassed by my own thoughts.
I'm going by age and Tom, what did you -- what was your favorite show growing up?
SHILLUE: None of the shows that I loved would make it on TV today. I loved "Hogan's Heroes," "F Troop," "Beverly Hillbillies." None of them would make it past the pitch meeting.
GUTFELD: Yes, that's true. That is true. Because you are a -- you long for the good old days, don't you Tom? That counts for something.
SHILLUE: Yes. And Isis was very gorgeous. Also Lindsay Wagner, the "Bionic Woman." Amazing and Linda Carter as "Wonder Woman." Fantastic.
GUTFELD: All right, so it's Joanna Cameron was Isis. I actually had -- I did a night of work with Linda Carter opening for a Nordic Track store in Bethesda, Maryland. When I was working for men's health. She did not like me.
But then again a lot of people didn't like me back then, Joey, and I don't blame them. What did you -- what was your favorite show growing up? I love this question.
JONES: Oh, I was I was a Nick at night kid. "I Love Lucy." You know, all those shows on Nick at night. But my dad had me well tuned into "Bonanza, and "Gunsmoke." So I got a good balance there.
MURDOCH: Oh, good choice.
GUTFELD: No "Big Valley." No "Big Valley" with Heath? That's really old. You guys are just staring at me. The "Big Valley."
SHILLUE: Great show. No, it's great, Greg.
GUTFELD: Thank you. Shut up, Tom. Stop trying to play into my insecurities. All right, Kat. You're only 32.
TIMPF: Not yet. October 29th, I'm 32.
GUTFELD: All right, we're going to have to build you another coffin.
TIMPF: That was a one-time deal.
GUTFELD: Yes. What's the show you grew up with?
TIMPF: Books. Reading books. No "Alf." "Alf" was my favorite. It's still one of my favorites.
GUTFELD: Yes. You know what I loved? "Six Million Dollar Man." I was obsessed with it because it combined everything. It had like science fiction. It had science fiction and technology. And like, you know, when you were a kid, well, this is like, boys. You don't have to play, Kat. Did you know when you were a kid that you always thought you could lift up a car if it mattered? Did you ever think that?
MURDOCH: Well, I actually ended up attaining that dream, Greg.
SHILLUE: He can lift anything, it doesn't really matter.
GUTFELD: Didn't you think that? Like --
MURDOCH: But "Six Million Dollar Man," the Bigfoot episode is my all-time favorite. It was a big special. Everybody saw it and Andre the Giant was Bigfoot.
GUTFELD: Yes. Oh, it was amazing. Do you remember in the "Six Million Dollar Man" when he fought the Seven Million Dollar Man, played by Monty Markham?
MURDOCH: Yes.
SHILLUE: Of course, we all remember, Greg.
GUTFELD: By the way, bionic dogs remember the bionic dog? And then who was --
MURDOCH: Yes, German Shepherd?
GUTFELD: Who was the bionic boy? Vince Van Patten.
SHILLUE: Wow.
GUTFELD: Vic Van Patten's son.
TIMPF: I heard he is such a woman.
MURDOCH: This is why they're not in our movie group, Greg.
JONES: I feel like there's a robot leg joke there somewhere.
MURDOCH: This is why they are not in our movie group.
GUTFELD: I know, if you can't understand how awesome '90s, and also "Colombo," by the way, I know we're spending too much on this one question, but it's the best question.
We only had three stations ABC, CBS, NBC, we had a local station. You had a UHF station and you had PBS which had like "Monty Python" and "Goonies," I think it was called.
MURDOCH: "Gunshot and Doctor Who."
GUTFELD: "Doctor Who," but it's like we -- they packed a lot of stuff into that, "Fernwood 2 Night," "America Tonight," "The Tonight Show," Mike Douglas, Merv Griffin, Dinah Shore -- there's nothing better than the 70s. Right? Nothing.
SHILLUE: So true. So true.
GUTFELD: Nothing. It's like -- you could turn on Mike Douglas and John Lennon and Yoko Ono are sitting there with Mike Douglas, you know, and Paul Lynn would be the center square and Alan Sues would be on laughing.
All right, here's another question. Pdetour. Why do we even bother with names? If there was a holiday named after you? How would it be celebrated? That's a good one, Kat?
TIMPF: I don't know like vaping and dancing around. And then just watching dateline murder mysteries, and then fall asleep.
GUTFELD: There you go. That's not the name, but that's what you would do. Joey, what would be will be the name of your holiday?
TIMPF: That would be the name.
JONES: I don't know. Yes, it would be it would a walkathon everyone would just walk in honor of me and then maybe a little target practice. And some curls maybe. I don't know.
GUTFELD: There you go. There you go. Tom.
SHILLUE: We already have a barbershop quartet day. We already have a national trivia day. In fact, the next big trivia show is coming up on Fox Nation on July 9th, we're doing a happy hour.
GUTFELD: Oh, interesting.
SHILLUE: Yes.
GUTFELD: Wow.
SHILLUE: It's pretty good.
GUTFELD: All the answers are going to be white people knowing Tom. Tyrus.
MURDOCH: Oh man, I've given this a lot of thought, justifiable homicide day. You submit your list of the naughty list, and if it gets approved by your peers. Just once a year.
TIMPF: I was worried that you would be offended by my vaping.
GUTFELD: Isn't that already called the purge?
MURDOCH: Only if it's justifiable?
GUTFELD: I would have a national short guys who matter day because the fact is short guys are discriminated everywhere they go. And it's -- we need to see -- I think short people invented more things than tall people. I'm pretty sure. I don't have any stats.
MURDOCH: Well, you invented the add-on everything. You invented the step or the high chair or the booster seat, you know or the high heel. But in all your inventions, you always forget what you're not high, booster extended, you know.
GUTFELD: Like the extended clasper thing for the shelves. Well, no, I'm not going to get into something about my life anymore. What is your most memorable childhood or adult Fourth of July memory? I guess we had to do that because of the holidays.
TIMPF: I got a good one.
GUTFELD: All right, Kat.
TIMPF: I do so I was in D.C. and I was in my early 20s.
GUTFELD: Just years ago.
TIMPF: I went to a bar and I didn't want to because I was done drinking. But my friends were with me and they wanted to go drink, so I went to the bar with them and a guy offered to buy me a drink but I didn't want one. So I asked for a bowl of clam chowder.
He got me the bowl of clam chowder, and then he got me two more bowls of clam chowder. So I sat there and I ate three bowls of clam chowder, and then I went home and I don't know why he did that, because it's not like I went home with him or if he would thought I was going to because like, I haven't heard that about chowder.
GUTFELD: Well, I think the thing is, after you had your third bowl of clam chowder, he didn't want you to come home with him.
TIMPF: No, he is still did. I have a catch.
GUTFELD: There is only one bathroom in the studio apartment.
TIMPF: I have a catch. I have a catch. Yes, Tyrus? It's not as bad?
MURDOCH: Mine's kind of sad. You ever have one of those neighbors how like knows everything. You know, like, he's always inventing stuff. He's always a cool guy. We had this one guy in a neighborhood. He got in an argument with his wife because she said his fireworks are too close to the barbecue pit.
And his wife was right, and all of his fireworks blew up and he lost his pinky.
TIMPF: Later he came to bar and bought me chowder.
GUTFELD: And the best part was, she wouldn't take him to the hospital because he deserved it and she didn't want to bleed in their station wagon. Best argument ever.
GUTFELD: No, I always say this, Tom, if you're going to lose something, make it a pinky.
SHILLUE: Yes, that's true. Well, we would flirt with danger. On the Fourth we always -- we would go to the fireworks and they would sell those glow sticks, you know the glow stick. We would break the glow sticks and rub the glow all over our body and then we'd be glowing.
TIMPF: You did that, Tom?
SHILLUE: Yes. I'm sure there was nothing wrong with that. Those chemicals.
MURDOCH: Didn't glow sticks come out in '91?
GUTFELD: Joey, I would like to apologize for my pinky comment. My producer said hey, Joey's there. It's like okay.
JONES: You know, when I decided to be a bomb tech, my mom calls me and goes you know, they told me you lose at least one body part if you become a bomb tech and I said, well, Mama, overachiever. Here we go.
But no, Fourth of July for me is always around fireworks and someone getting hurt. My dad was a big character and we would shoot bottle rockets at each other. So, that was a family activity.
GUTFELD: You know, the best smell. The best smell was illegal firecrackers in bottle rockets. The smell of rice paper and gunpowder and you'd keep them in a cigar box and you bought them from the sketchiest kid in your class. And he would go --
MURDOCH: Cherry bomb.
GUTFELD: Can you still say Chinatown? You go to Chinatown and buy cherry bombs. You could buy say Chinatown. I don't know anymore.
TIMPF: It's a place.
MURDOCH: An actual city.
JONES: Still stay Chinatown.
MURDOCH: It's an actual city. So, I think --
GUTFELD: Yes, yes, it is. It is. and it's a movie. Cancel that movie. Up next. No screaming on rollercoasters. What is the world coming to? That's next.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: No, you're not dreaming. Japan has banned screaming. Godzilla has got to be angry. That country's theme park associations have laid out new recommendations for the country's rollercoasters, which have now reopened, among them -- no shouting or screaming. The guidelines include improved sanitation practices -- that can't be bad -- facemask and social distancing to allow for a safer park experience.
Also, all children must be completely covered in paste and placed in soundproof metal containers. That doesn't sound right. But no screaming? That's all I do when I go to Disneyland. Those tea cups are terrifying. Oh god.
Meanwhile, park employees are encouraged to talk as little as possible with customers and keep their distance. Amusement parks that ban the expression amusement though? I wonder what that would look like.
[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]
GUTFELD: They would be great in the front row of a comedy club. All right, Tom, let's just get you over with, with your little rant about this all being a conspiracy and COVID not existing.
SHILLUE: Yes, well, they're taking the joy out of everything, Greg. I mean, we don't have to scream anyway, we do it for fun. And we do it to try to scare the people in line. You know, you're on the roller coaster and you come down and it wasn't even that great. But you waited so long. You act like it was great. You say, oh, you're going to be really scared when you get on this one.
So they're taking the joy out of everything.
GUTFELD: Isn't the COVID disease targeting things in life that are fun, like amusement parks, restaurants and grandparents? These are all the great things.
JONES: Well, you know, if everyone's wearing a mask, we're all screaming you can't do one and not do the other. You can't hear anyone anyways, it's hard enough for someone with my accent to order at a drive-thru much less talk through a mask.
GUTFELD: Kat, wouldn't it be great if COVID banned like boring stuff like HR meetings.
TIMPF: That's an interesting example to choose, but yes, the boring stuff. Great but this would make it more boring or at least to advertise them. You watch the commercials and you don't want, you know, people look like they're just on their commute in the morning on the roller coaster.
But you know, I don't see how you enforce it either truly unless you're going to -- are they hiring people to sit on the rollercoasters and silence the people who are screaming? Because if so, I quit and I want that job.
GUTFELD: Yes. You could be that you could be that woman that's shouting at them. Why are you screaming?
TIMPF: Shut up. See how good I am? Shut up.
GUTFELD: Oh my God. That's amazing. That's going to be you in 10 years.
TIMPF: It's me now.
GUTFELD: Tyrus, are you a rollercoaster fan?
MURDOCH: No, because of some of the things in your life that you don't get to do. My legs don't fit in roller coasters so I gave that joy up when I was around 12.
But there is a cultural difference. I've wrestled in Japan a dozen times and they do culturally do -- they cheer at the end. They usually hold their joy at the end. They do actually a pretty good job of like it can be really quiet because they want to watch.
So it is, I guess if they are coming from that standpoint, it's probably easier for them to hold their joy at the end, but they have to be able to let it out. So they have to walk 15 feet from the roller coaster like yes, you know, just quietly you know, everyone wait, and then they get in the scream zone, you know, where they all put trash bags over themselves so they can scream.
You know, but it's completely -- how do you enforce it? Do you have Kat Timpf at the bottom with little clicker with cheese. That's her cat. If you listen to our podcast, and I got six screens here, there's 12 of you. Who's going? Who's going? You know, oh, no one. All of you, out. Like literally, Timpf the terrible is kicking people out of amusement parks because she is in charge of the scream count.
TIMPF: Best job ever and I currently get paid to talk about interesting shouter experiences actually.
GUTFELD: Yes. Hold the joy to the end. That sounds weird. I don't know. Design a toilet for the moon. Yes we can.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: Can you imagine the moon without a bathroom? If we could send a man into space, why can't we build a toilet up there to? NASA wants to send a moon lander up in 2024. So now they want people to send NASA designs for a toilet that can be used on the moon, and they're offering $35,000.00 in prices. So I'm in. Here the specs.
The toilet needs to accommodate men and women. It should conserve water, help keep the moon lander free of odor and contaminants. It should be that way on Earth. And NASA adds quote, "Bonus points will be awarded to design second capture vomit without requiring the crew member to put their head in the toilet." These guys party.
All right, challenge accepted, NASA. We've all drawn some designs here at the show, so we're going to take a look. Tom, what's your design?
SHILLUE: Okay, Greg, mine takes advantage of the already extensive network of craters on the moon see it's a very simple chair and the astronaut just puts it on top of the crater and down it goes.
GUTFELD: That is perfect. Well, Kat. Tyrus, your next.
MURDOCH: Well you know, the issue of gravity so everything comes up, so what I did was, I designed a beer bong with a fireplace bellows of the old. You can pull it. You can also replace the bellow with a shot back on suck but a beer bong and the old fireplace bellows give it a good -- have your buddy push in and out, suction comes , and you can throw up in it, you can let it go.
It's the perfect -- and you can carry it in a backpack wherever you go.
GUTFELD: This just might be the best segment that has ever appeared on Fox News.
MURDOCH: I know you're happy.
GUTFELD: In the history. You know this is made for me.
MURDOCH: I made three of them for you. I'll post the other ones on Twitter.
GUTFELD: This is the best, Kat.
TIMPF: It's kind of -- it's kind of intricate. I don't know if you can see it.
GUTFELD: Let's see.
MURDOCH: Wow.
GUTFELD: Wow. Wow.
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFELD: Can you explain?
TIMPF: Well, that was what I was going to draw, but NASA already did it. Yes.
GUTFELD: You plagiarized.
TIMPF: No, that's NASA's. I'm giving them credit to make a point. Okay. This seems really difficult. That's their current space toilet. And if there's out there who first of all has the ability to do not just that, but better than that; second of all, has the time, they don't need a prize. They need a job at NASA. Okay.
Because if they have the ability they deserve it, and if they have the time, they clearly don't have a job. Hire these people.
GUTFELD: Yes. All right, Joey, what have you got?
JONES: Yes. Check this out. So in honor of the Democratic President that got us to the moon, we're going to use something that attracts human waste, like and another, the Democratic platform, complete with a roll of Constitution toilet paper, because that's where we are today.
GUTFELD: Man, I think --
MURDOCH: I won. I won.
GUTFELD: Wait, I haven't done mine. I haven't done mine. Look at mine. Look at mine. So there's your butt, right? And you just make sure you got a really long thing that sends all the waste product to Belgium, because we're not even sure if Belgium exists, right? I just picked that arbitrarily because I went to Belgium once.
TIMPF: So we all got an e-mail warning us to be careful with using body parts. And then that's your submission.
MURDOCH: I am the winner.
SHILLUE: Greg was like, nobody body parts. Don't mention any countries.
TIMPF: Big butt. Right in my face.
MURDOCH: Cut my check, NASA.
GUTFELD: But do you want to hear something really amazing? I think Tyrus might have won.
SHILLUE: What?
GUTFELD: but I do like Tom's. But here's the interesting thing about this story. If you solve this one problem, you actually solve the entire sanitation issue on Earth, right? Because if you invented a new way to dispose of poop in a non-gravity situation, how could that not help us on Earth? It's just like Tang when they invented Tang for space. It helped us like Velcro and Tang. That's the only two things I can think of. But the fact is, if we saw this --
MURDOCH: Gatorade and sports.
GUTFELD: What?
MURDOCH: Gatorade and sports.
GUTFELD: Gatorade and sports. If we solve this problem, we will never see poop again. So I think that it should all be done unconsciously when you're asleep. Go to bed. They hook up the pipe, and then you wake up and it's gone. It's like poop elves. I've talked about poop elves. Poop elves are the elves that come and take your poop.
I'm going to shut up now. This is going to be --
MURDOCH: I'd like to go to commercial.
GUTFELD: You know, this show is going to be number one. We're going to be number one with that segment. All right. More show, next.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
ANNOUNCER: Final Thoughts. It's the last thought. That's why it's called the final thoughts, okay.
GUTFELD: We only have time for one. Joey?
JONES: Yes, I wrote a piece on http://foxnews.com about our National Anthem and why it means so much to me and how it has inspired this country through things like fighting the Nazis and getting to the Civil Rights Movement and even what we're doing today to make this country a better place for everybody.
So go check it out and I think the National Anthem is the perfect song because no one can sing it and we don't have to listen to them try. I like the song and I think it's perfect for us.
GUTFELD: Thank you Joey, Tom, Katherine, and Tyrus. Great show. I'm Greg Garfield. I love you, America. Happy Fourth.
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