EDITOR'S NOTE: This column has been retrieved from our archives by popular request. It was originally published August 13, 2009.
The '72 Dolphins can't touch Pussy Galore.
Adding Rick Pitino, Josh Hamilton and Reggie Miller to her list of victims, Pussy Galore's record remains unblemished and unprecedentedly gaudy since the beginning of the decade when A.C. Green escaped the NBA untainted by her joys.
Mercury Morris isn't allowed into her neighborhood. John Wooden's UCLA Bruins couldn't afford a house on her block.
Since Green's hiccup and jerri-curl-aided getaway, PG has knocked out every challenger, ruining careers, marriages and lives along the way.
Reportedly she's set her sights on Tim Tebow, vowing to bring down the allegedly still-celibate Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback before the BCS title game.
Is there a logical reason to believe she won't succeed?
She impeached a president and now, more impressively, she threatens to topple a highly successful college basketball coach.
As my mother would say, she's a bitch on a bicycle. Respect her and her power or risk experiencing her wrath.
Pitino should've coughed up the $10 million. His reputation will never recover.
How does a millionaire, married, middle-aged public figure have an unprotected one-night stand on the floor of a restaurant with a woman he's known for a couple of hours if her name isn't Beyonce, Gisele or Halle?
Monica Lewinsky, the White House and a Cuban cigar make more sense than Karen Sypher, a restaurant and an assistant coach playing peek-a-boo in an adjoining booth.
Seriously, I don't want to make excuses for Pitino. I don't want to rationalize his gross error, but you know damn well Pussy Galore's BFF (booze) played a major role in this fiasco. This sounds like the mother of all Patron body shots that skidded way off course.
Like Hamilton, Pitino should take the Jamie Foxx route and blame it on the al-al-al-cohol.
Look, the adultery is bad. His $3,000 bribe/health care package is worse. But those, along with his Catholicism, are private matters properly left between Pitino and his wife and family. Louisville should not use some sort of flimsy morality clause to get rid of Pitino.
He is no more immoral than Hamilton and Miller, PG's other recent victims.
I know, Hamilton blamed his fall off the wagon on his addiction to alcohol and drugs. The Deadspin pictures told a far different story. Drunken actions are sober thoughts. The groping, licking and backdooring revealed a man using the bottle as an excuse to reconnect with the real love of his life, Strange Tang.
Hamilton battled PG with a Bible, a 12-step program, a full-time sobriety coach and a just-say-no public-relations campaign the likes of which we haven't seen since Ronald and Nancy Reagan vacated the Oval Office.
They were no match for the ambush Galore laid for Hamilton in Arizona. Hamilton was General Custer at the Battle of Little Bighorny.
And just as Hamilton should thank Pitino for diverting attention away from his defeat, Reggie Miller can thank Hamilton for overshadowing his text-message pursuit of a 25-year-old clothing designer with a crazy, rich and vindictive fiance.
The "Reggie Miller Stop Pursuing Married Women" banner that flew over Malibu could've easily been Galore's story of the month, but short of a Tebow-Paris Hilton sex tape surfacing nothing is likely to top Pitino's sexcapades in the near future.
Quite frankly, it would take Michelle walking in on Barack and Hillary to unseat Slick Rick. Yes, the Pitino case is that strong of a testament to PG's strength.
Focusing on Pitino's restaurant romp doesn't even come close to telling the complete story.
The truly enlightening tale is the aftermath, the fact that Louisville's conditioning coach, Tim Sypher, would learn the details and conclude Karen would make a wonderful bride.
Just think about that and ask yourself if there is a more powerful force on this planet than Pussy Galore.
Tim Sypher went to work every day with his head high and a smile on his face despite knowing his boss knocked boots on a dirty restaurant floor with his wife within hours of meeting her and then financed her abortion.
If love is blind, lust is deaf, dumb and blind.
I'm sure some of you reading this are appalled that I won't pass harsh judgment on Pitino's transgression. You're making the same mistake made by the hypocritical South Carolina governor who voted to impeach President Clinton.
Or you play for a team that never schedules Pussy Galore as an opponent.
You can e-mail Jason at BallState0@aol.com or find him on Facebook at facebook.com/jasonwhitlock .