Hey, Shawty-Lo, stop pretending and start being a real man

Can all of the real men in this country please stand up? You there, not so fast. Anyone who’s read my op-eds here on FoxNews.com knows just how much I hate the systematic destruction of man in modern America.  No, I’m not just talking about the hyper-metrosexualization of young men, I’m talking about the role of man in modern society as a whole. For real men everywhere, these are some dark times.

All right, so you’ve probably heard of Oxygen network’s deplorable new reality series “All My Babies.”  In it, a seemingly testicleless man (who goes by the hilariously terrible, self-given moniker of “Shawty-Lo”) lives a life devoid of respect for women, himself and even the concept of manhood in general.

The show follows Shawty… all right, I’m sorry, Mr. Carlos Walker.  The charlatan’s name is Carlos Walker, and I will refer to him as such from this sentence forward. Dummy.

The show follows Carlos Walker as he juggles a life of eleven children whom he’s fathered with ten different women. Charmer.

Now I get that Carlos is an extreme example of a screw-up being used by some high-up network executives as a desperate grab for ratings. The problem is that this kind of behavior is becoming increasingly indicative of men in the 21st century.

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Today’s left-leaning, pseudo-feminist society has bred men to believe that they are not intrinsically different and/or valuable in comparison to their female counterparts (and vice versa).

I remember in kindergarten, my teacher (who will not remain nameless) told the entire class, “Kids, men can do anything that women can do and women can do anything that men can do!”

I raised my hand.

“Yes, Crowder.”

“But Mrs. Henderson, what about being a dad?”

“Many women do that everyday!”

Sadly, many of those on the left actually believe this. To the left, men and women are interchangeable. How else could you support same-sex marriage?

The only difference between someone like our friend Carlos Short and I, is that he’s bought into the lie.  Why shouldn’t he have ten “baby-mammas”?  Those women, sorry, persons, don’t need a man or a husband. Who needs a nuclear family with a strong male figurehead when you’ve got politically correct, warm fuzzies on which to fall back?

Also, suggesting that a mother needs a husband and that a child needs a father… well that’s getting dangerously close to the line of “judging.”  To many on the left, that already has you walking on paper-thin ice.

It’s important that people like you and Shorty Lowlife don’t misunderstand me here. I’m not advocating that men try to live up to any kind of macho, beer-chugging, deer-huntin’ archetype of masculinity perpetuated by bad country music songs and closeted homosexuals.

I am however advocating that men start taking ownership of their lives (including their mistakes), step into the leadership roles they were designed to fulfill and that they start treating the women in their lives with the respect that they deserve.

I know, I know. It’s a tall order for dummies like Carlos Shortness and his insufferable, like-minded ilk. So for those who may not understand what it takes to be a man, good old Uncle Crowder is here to start you off with a few tips:

- Be Accountable. If you say that you’re going to do something, do it. Whether it be returning phone calls or fathering your children, step up to the plate and make sure that there are people other than yourself to call you on your crap.

- Judge. Use judgment early and often. Apply it to situations, the people around you and most importantly, to your own terrible decisions.

- Assume responsibility… for anything! Do you think that God put you on this earth to park yourself in front of Comedy Central as you smother your gelatinous body in ring dings? Are you disgusted with yourself yet? Good, you should be. Now take the helm of something, anything greater than yourself.

- If you knock her up, marry her. Self-explanatory.

- Be a husband.

- Be a father.

- Stay a father.

- When you just don’t feel like working it out… work it out!

Of course, that’s just a starter course. But if today’s boys (you know, the ones masquerading as actual men) only did those few things, even screwing up on most everything else, our world would be a much better place.

It’s time for the real men to take up their mantle and start calling these man-child pretenders out on their idiocy… if only to prevent them from making the rest of us look bad.

Shawty-Lower Carlos, you’re welcome.  As are you, America.

Steven Crowder is a comedian and a Fox News contributor. He can be found on Twitter at scrowder.