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Before we get to the monologue, it's time for: Greg’s Seven Jokes.

Shocking news from the set of "The View." Hosts Ana Navarro and Sonny Hostin tested positive for COVID. Even worse, the view tested positive for Joy Behar—it’s incurable.

They still had to rush Kamala Harris far away from the studio. It was pretty easy – they just told her it was the southern border.

Dog the Bounty Hunter has joined the search for fugitive Brian Laundrie. Police consider his help crucial, as they believe Laundrie may be hiding inside a mullet.  

Good news: A New York Post headline reports "McDonald’s McRib is McBack!" Bad news; so is my McDiarrhea.

According to new research, scientists say three masks protect you the most. Wow - I can’t wait to hear the results of their condom study. 

Amazon unveiled a new household robot, for 999 bucks. But if I’m paying a grand for a robot maid, I better be able to have sex with it. They'll call it the "Schwarzenegger."

And U.S. Airlines are now considering weight limits for passengers. In other news, Brian Stelter, I hope you like trains.

And that’s "Greg's Seven Jokes!"

Back to the screaming hellscape called Manhattan. Did you hear: As kids get shot, junkies take over and the elderly get mugged by gangs of thugs (also known as Democrats), the mayor has redefined policing, as "customer service."

Bill de Blasio: Literally, the question from the NYPD to the people they serve, ‘how did we do?’ is the fundamental customer service idea.  It has never existed previously in the NYPD but it is going to be the future of the NYPD. // The very fact that we are talking about customer service in the context to NYPD that’s revolutionary 

I'm still wondering - how did a festering Lincoln log become mayor. And what is it with Democrats? Once they win, do they take a secret oath to destroy everything? You couldn't ruin a big city faster if you were Mothra.

De Blasio has turned a once-great city into a cesspool of chaos -- which is a lot like Geraldo's hot tub. And like Geraldo’s hot tub it's filled with half-naked crazy people and it's prone to flooding.

So, the police are now customer service. That's great. It's no longer to protect and serve, it's "let me help you return that defective garden hose to Home Depot." At least after you get mugged, you can stay on the line, and update your car warranty. Meanwhile, the mugger has already been released and onto his next victim while you're on hold listening to Air Supply. 

So as crime explodes, the mayor wants "community guides" to greet visitors at city police stations. This cuz he heard that the police were "gruff" and "dismissive." So are the muggers and rapists, Bill! Hell, you just described everybody who lives in New York. The only New Yorkers who aren't are dead. Thanks, Andrew Cuomo

Gruffness - that's the problem here. Not murder or assault. So now we've turned cops into Wal-Mart greeters. 

That's the problem with cities run by leftists. They conflate law and order with brutality. So the solution is emasculation.

Worse, we're not even calling crime, "crime," anymore. This isn't crime - it's reallocations of goods!

*Video of people shoplifting from Ulta beauty store*

But hey, if you play that video in reverse it looks like these guys work there and are stocking the shelves!

*Same video in reverse*

Yeah, if only we had the police there to greet them and help load the stuff into the stolen truck. Yo sarge! Mind grabbing the end of this flat screen?

Meanwhile, as we excuse the criminals, who are the real threats? Parents. The National School Boards Association – which represents over 90,000 school officials – begged Joe Biden Wednesday to protect them from "angry mobs" of parents upset over vaccine and mask mandates forced upon their kids – saying the parents should be treated as "domestic terrorism" by "extremist hate organizations."

Yep, to these buffoons, a 28-year-old single mom looking out for her kids is the same as a one-eyed monster with a hook for a hand. So they implored Biden to mobilize the FBI and secret service to guard school officials. The sad part - he'll probably listen.

The teachers’ unions realize that the worst thing about COVID is parents realizing how bad the teachers’ unions are. And now that parents are taking a more active role, in protecting their kids from these idiots, they're considered a threat. 

But these days anyone who disagrees with these craven, self-righteous, sanctimonious a-holes can be considered a threat. Remember the soldier who spoke up about the Afghanistan debacle? He's still in the brig.

And how about that U.S. Marine who rescued a baby in Kabul during that botched withdrawal? He's allegedly under investigation after he was invited up onto a stage by Donald Trump last week.

*Marine on stage at Trump rally telling crowd saving the baby is one of the greatest things he has done in his life*

Well, not so fast buster. Hopping up on stage might have violated policy! Even though he was invited on stage by a former president – still they treat him like he's John Hinckley.

It's like the Biden administration is attempting the biggest purge since Tyrus went on that juice cleanse.


So, you see what's happening? We are criminalizing citizens, and decriminalizing crime. It makes no sense, but it’s the only way Democrats lower crime statistics.

The jerks.

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld's opening monologue on the October 1, 2021 edition of "Gutfeld!"