Greg Gutfeld: As New York Times editors claim not to take baths, the paper actually is

'Once again the superior minds at the Times tell us we're living selfishly'

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As we turn a corner on COVID, what new crisis is the media consumed with?Shark attacks? Alien invasions? CNN's disastrous ratings? Which are now officially lower than the odds that Kat's marriage lasts the month.

No, the New York Times dives head first into the evils of bathing. Yes bathing. COVID, they explain, has shown that bathing daily is not only unnecessary - it's evil. Pig Pen is finally vindicated.

No wonder the media adores Antifa, the filthy scum. Because it seems bathing harms the planet. Hey - they could have said, instead, that bathing is racist. Because most bars of soap are white. It's called Ivory -- not ebony and that’s racist. 

The article starts by offering anecdotal evidence that the pandemic is causing people to bathe less. The proof: parents complaining about their smelly teenage kids. Talk about hard hitting data. By that logic, the pandemic also caused acne and terrible taste in music. By the way, teenagers are like cheese. They're supposed to smell—so I’ve been told.

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Then they cite a shabby British survey claiming seventeen percent of Brits have stopped bathing. One look at Boris Johnson’s hair would tell you that. So if Brits stopped bathing - it raises the question: how could you tell? Was that before or after they stopped brushing their teeth? Maybe they just want to be French.

Anyway, like all lame stories meant to scold you for being normal - they relied on people in their own circle to interview. 

Like Heather, a "writer" - because, who would a writer for the Times interview but another writer! God forbid they find a plumber or a stripper. Or a plumber who strips. That’s someone who appreciates a good shower. 

Heather claims her shower use has fallen off by 20 percent. And her ability to find a date—80 perfect. I hoped they fact check this by smelling her pits. That explains the other article of about a decline in birth rates. So the science is settled: Heather stinks.

Then the Times goes onto explain that daily showers are a new phenomenon growing out of the industrial age-- perhaps like penicillin, indoor plumbing and missing fingers. They cite yet another writer — what's with the writers! — who's also an environmentalist. He bathes once a week. His tub must have more rings than Saturn. This is all good, since reducing the use of soap helps the environment. As opposed to his underwear. Which are probably funkier than Rick James…currently.

He explains how he would wash at the sink - under "our armpits and our privates." He's in his 60's which leaves me with quite a visual. Last night I had a nightmare about Wolf Blitzer in front of a mirror using a toilet brush. So the Times built an article around a writer interviewing other writers about how they've given up on looking presentable. Do they plan to ever leave the house again? For our sake, let’s hope they don’t! That’s one way to get us all wearing masks.

Then they guilt us by telling us that a typical eight minute shower uses up to 17 gallons of water. Is that supposed to be a lot? It takes 920 gallons of water to make one gallon of almond milk or to flush whatever Brian Stelter had for lunch.

They also try to shame us for using soap cuz it's made of petroleum.

This is all coming from a newspaper. Which is made of trees. To produce each week's Sunday paper - alone - it's estimated that a half million trees must be murdered. Slowly cut down, dismembered, and turned to a pulp by oil-guzzling power tools. The Times has been doing that since 1851. If trees could talk they'd call the Times Hitler. And probably sound like John Kerry.

So once again the superior minds at the Times tell us we're living selfishly. Don't bathe they say, after screaming at us if we weren’t constantly scrubbing up like we’re doing surgery in a bus station restroom.

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But you just know not a single editor or writer ever complies with their own prescriptions. Just writing about it, is their sacrifice. Do as I write, not as I do they say. It's no wonder that while their editors claim not to take a bath, the paper actually is. 

It’s elitism without a whiff of irony. And that’s why their dirty drawers aren’t the only thing that stinks. 

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld's opening monologue on the May 7, 2021 edition of "Gutfeld!"