Sexpert Q&A: Guilty Sex

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Dear Yvonne,

I'm conflicted because I agree to have sex with my husband even when I'm not in the mood. Part of me wants to please him by having sex, but the other part of me resents him for the guilt I feel in not staying true to myself. Other girlfriends of mine say they're the same way. Why are women like that?


Dear Cora,

As women, we're socialized to take care of men and their needs. It's only natural, then, that we become intimate, even when we're not in the mood. For the sexually liberated female, whose sexual being will be sold out to no one, the result is guilt. In making sure this doesn't happen again, a woman needs to figure out why she ultimately put out. Is it that she wanted to please her partner (not a bad thing)? Is it because she felt obligated to - that it was her duty as his partner? Is she afraid he'll take his interests elsewhere if she's unwilling to have sex? Does she have trouble saying "no?" Is she fearful of the negative stereotype associated with women who aren't in the mood for sex?

In identifying what led to her having sex, a woman needs to rehearse how she will handle the situation next time he approaches her. The key is not to make him feel that he is being rejected or that she isn't attracted to him, rather giving him a reason why, for example, "Honey, you're looking totally sexy now, but my body is pooped. I really just want to relax." Or she can offer an alternative, "I had such a stressful day at work. Would you mind giving me a massage instead?" Regardless of the reason or how she chooses to deal with the situation, a woman should feel empowered knowing that it's okay not to have sex. It is her choice and it's actually quite sexy for her to call the shots. It will also make him want it that much more the next time she's in the mood.

Dr. Yvonne KristAn Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of

Sexuality Source Inc.

She is the author of several books including, "Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots."