Where are the jobs?

America is experiencing work deflation on a mass scale

This is a rush transcript from "The Five," September 3, 2012. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: So, Labor Day always calls into question the American need for work. In my view, the human capacity for effort is elastic. The more work there is, the more work you will do. But it's a curse, because once you stretch that work container, the deflation is depressing. It's why on vacation, I'm such a wreck. And why I don't get France either. Their national bird is the mime. The creature that doesn't do but only pretends to.

Now not all Yanks are alike. For instance, the Huffington Post has a nap room. Yes, I guess hauling someone else's blog out of the mine must be taxing. Just the other day, three Columbia grads died from paper cuts.

Look, America is now experiencing work deflation on a mass scale. We're nothing without productivity.

But my definition of work is broader. Being a mom or a dad is work. Sadly, those are jobs that millions have abdicated. The results, Lindsay Lohan and millions like her.

Relationships are really hard work -- harder for men because women are way, way better at it. Ask my wife. Actually don't.

But America has to get back to work. That dream of a smaller state with revised, i.e. lowered expectations, only make sense to those who think America's greatness comes at the expense of others. To them, every time America succeeds, somewhere a mime cries.

But it's killing us for there is a hole inside you that must be filled daily. It's not a stomach. It's a soul. It's shovel-ready.

The folks in D.C. don't have to provide the dirt. Just get the hell out of our hole. But we don't have to end up late or rather too late for work.

You OK, there?

KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: That was weird.

DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: What did you just say?

GUILFOYLE: That was a weird one. The ending. The other part is good.

GUTFELD: Do I have to explain metaphor? Everybody when they get up in the morning has to fill a hole. That's called work. When government gets in to that hole, you can't fill it.

So, you got to get the government out of your hole. Now, I see why this was a mistake.

GUILFOYLE: Tortured metaphor.

GUTFELD: This is the worst metaphor I have ever come up with. Look at you.

PERINO: All I heard was "get out of my hole."

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Get out of my hole, Mr. President. Get out of my hole.

ANDREA TANTAROS, CO-HOST: Awesome bumper sticker.

GUTFELD: This is a metaphor! Let's try to salvage this mess.

PERINO: Bob, aren't you laughing?

BOB BECKEL: I'm absorbing.

GUTFELD: Bob, we are as a people miserable without work. You were sick a couple of weeks ago and you still showed up here, sick as a dog and worked. Why is that? Why do we need to work?

BECKEL: Well, I think a lot of people believe, I happen to believe if you don't work, you die. If you look at the number of people who retire, how soon after that, they die. It's pretty scary.

I think most people -- first, what are you going to do if you don't work?

GUTFELD: That's true.

BECKEL: I mean, what are you going to do? Go to the beach? I mean, it's -- or wait for the ladies in front of you to clear a tee?

GUILFOYLE: That's what you do.

BECKEL: No, I don't do it anymore. I think that's true. I think Americans do have a tendency to want to work. And when you don't work, again, what the hell are you going to do unless you want to do illegal drugs.

PERINO: It's the way to get ahead. You learn that -- well, I certainly did -- you learn early on that you want to make sure you have enough for your retirement, enough for kids.

The only way to do that is if you work, unless you live somewhere else.

GUTFELD: When you were 14 or 13, I remember hearing that you used to help troubled lemonade stands and liquidate them and then fire everybody.

PERINO: I was part of the junior Bain Capital internship program. It taught me a lot. Here I am today.

GUILFOYLE: Yes, here you are.

GUTFELD: Angie, do we work too much -- you look at France, we work on average 200 hours longer than the French.

Are they happier than we are? They got the French bread.

TANTAROS: Maybe. Maybe. They drink a lot of wine. I guess they have a better quality of life they think.

I don't. When I lived there, it was you have to get anything done with people only work 35 hours a week.

GUILFOYLE: I thought you liked it there.

TANTAROS: I loved it, but no one was working. I certainly wasn't working. I was drinking wine every day and eating croissant.

GUTFELD: Yes. Weren't they fat?

I think it's a good thing we work here. Look at Greece, for example. All they do is created democracy and astrology and all these other stuff and they just dance and smoke cigarettes for the next couple thousands of years.

GUTFELD: Did they invent astrology or astronomy?

TANTAROS: Astronomy.

GUTFELD: I was going to say, women sometimes confuse astrology with astronomy. I apologize for that.

GUILFOYLE: No, we don't.

GUTFELD: Yes, you do. You do.

PERINO: They are related.

GUTFELD: You thought Virgo was an astronaut.

All right.

GUILFOYLE: What?

GUTFELD: Kimberly, last word. I went to bodega today and asked why they were open and they said they're open all the time, 24 hours. Isn't that what makes America great? They had no idea it was Labor Day.

GUILFOYLE: What's the point of having Labor Day unless you're laboring? I mean, be honest, right?

BECKEL: Nobody works 24 hours, even the cops don't work 24 hours.

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: It's one of the reasons I think that some of those red states are solid, because in America ranching and farming communities, you're independent business owners, you eat what you kill basically. And if a cow decides that she is going to have the calf at 2 a.m. in the middle of February on a Saturday, you don't have a choice. You got to go and help her.

GUTFELD: Did you eat what you killed?

PERINO: I had butterflies this afternoon. It was delicious.

GUTFELD: And there was that drifter in '88.

TANTAROS: I have a whole pun, but I'm not going to do it, because it's really wrong.

GUTFELD: Yes, I'll be hearing from people later.

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