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Gutfeld: Trump's week was about as good as the Democrats' week was bad

While President Trump drew praise for his State of the Union, Democrats were forced to address late-term abortion, blackface and sexual assault accusations.

This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," February 9, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, HOST: All right, yes, loud. Very loud. Okay, okay. Okay. Shut up everybody. So Trump's week was about as good as the Democrats week was bad.

First, you have to State of the Union, dare I say it, pretty good and I hate State of the Union's more than I hate children.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: But it was a solid positive assessment of the world -- strong economy, jobs, foreign policy, plus it had something for everyone. On one side, there was more cash for defense. On the other, paid family leave. On one side, a defense of the unborn, on the other second chances for the incarcerated.

So every gift to the right had something for the left. It was more balanced than me when I'm on my meds.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: And that must have really confused some people enough to forget how to clap. Seriously, what was Pelosi thinking?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: ... some retribution ...

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Dr. Seuss really has something here. One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. Ah, brilliant. Oh, shoot. It's time to clap. Oh, I forgot how to clap.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Somebody needs new software. The best part, Trump attacking a disease that's making a comeback among doe-eyed Dems. I wonder if he's alarmed by new calls to adopt socialism in our country.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: We are alarmed by the new calls to adopt socialism in our country.

(Booing)

TRUMP: America was founded on liberty and independence and not government coercion, domination and control. We are born free and we will stay free.

(Cheering and Applause)

TRUMP: Tonight, we renew our resolve that America will never be a socialist country.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That's stings. You know, it hurts some feelings. Like this guy.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: I wonder what he was thinking?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Turkey salad. There's a good sandwich. Chicken salad, overrated? Why don't they make a salad that's a sandwich instead of a sandwich that's a salad? That should be my new campaign. Salads, they can be sandwiches.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: True, but there was a softer side to Trump. AIDS research, experimental drug legislation, treatments for sick kids. If he got any nicer, we'd have to revoke his Republican status.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: But it wasn't like the crowd was having it. Nope. For the most part, Trump couldn't crack a smile from this fighting force of dental hygienists.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: I know, I know. I know. They were wearing white as a symbol of solidarity about the women's right to vote, which I can safely say I am for. Okay. For now. But every time I looked at them, I felt like I was about to get my teeth cleaned. Thankfully, I already had them clean. Here's tape.

(VIDEO PLAYS)

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Painful. Wrong tape. Here's tape of my last dental visit.

(VIDEO PLAYS)

GUTFELD: I hope that's not my brush.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: One more.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(VIDEO PLAYS)

GUTFELD: That's Dr. Steve, very thorough for an otter.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: So Trump offered something for everyone. He went after Russia, China. He announced another meeting with North Korea, so did the media like it? Surprise. No.

(Laughter)

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

RACHEL MADDOW, ANCHOR, MSNBC: Everything else he said in the speech will be overshadowed by the fact that he said there cannot be investigations.

JOHN KING, ANCHOR, CNN: That the President of the United States at this moment in the world did not mention climate change in even a sentence is just frankly a disgrace.

NICOLE WALLACE, ANCHOR, MSNBC: What he represented tonight is someone with absolutely no attachment to anything he says.

CHRIS CUOMO, ANCHOR, CNN: The dangers of the brown menace, as I call his depiction.

JOY REID, NATIONAL CORRESPONDENT, MSNBC: It was so grandiose and over the top. It was brown scare.

VAN JONES, ANCHOR, CNN: I saw this as a as a psychotically incoherent speech with cookies and dog poop.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Cookies and dog poop. I know what Ben and Jerry's is making next year.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Anyway, so what's with all the bile? It's the business plan. For them to succeed, Trump has to fail. And there was just too much compromise to make the conflict stick, which doesn't help the media, which can only profit from anger towards Trump. It's the most obvious explanation for the current state of affairs.

Add the media to every pot and the meal stinks. Because conflict in profit are joined at the hip. The media business model, to be an eternal stirrer of [bleep]. Kids in the audience. They're like weird - they're like weird volunteer fireman who start fires so they can put them out.

The media creates unrest so they can write about it later. And the angrier we feel toward our fellow Americans, the better the bottom line is for CNN and MSNBC and then get this, add one more problem. It's the Dems not Trump who are truly effing up. That's one upside for everyone having a bad week.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: The Dems have had it worse between Liz Warren and the entire Virginia Democratic Party. I'd say the only people who had it worse was anyone who ate Dana Perino's queso.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Yes, so while Trump has been a two-year target of pseudo scandal dodgeball, the Dems are soaking in the real stuff. No wonder Adam Schiff is running down the street in his underwear screaming "tax returns." It's a deflection. The party is in trouble. Mueller is giving them zilch. Trump's doing fine. So they have no choice but to bang pots and pans all around the house like a 10-year-old high on pop rocks.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: And hope that maybe the media pays attention, which they will. Here's your week if you're a Democrat.

You began with late-term abortion, then right into blackface, followed by sexual assault accusations, then more blackface then more assault allegations. Could this get any worse? If Virginia's Democratic Party takes credit for Dana's queso, then yes.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: But you know what? They wouldn't even do that.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guest. A hummingbird is her helicopter. All right, all right, apparently they didn't try the queso, Dana. "The Five" co-host and anchor of "The Daily Briefing," you know her, Dana Perino. Well, he's so sharp he can slice a melon with his thoughts, the great TV writer, producer Rob Long.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Her favorite character in "Titanic" was the iceberg, host of "Tyrus and Timpf Podcast," Kat Timpf.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: And when he trips, people yell timber, former WWE superstar, my massive sidekick and host of "UnPC" on Fox Nation, Tyrus.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: All right, Dana, I kid you about the queso. It's provided me with so much information.

DANA PERINO, HOST, FOX NEWS: And I'm glad to have provided you with some material this week. You were a little light on things.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes. So what did you make of this week so far? So many developments. What's your take?

PERINO: Well, it feels like it's been four weeks.

GUTFELD: Right.

PERINO: Because the state - the queso was actually just like five days ago.

GUTFELD: That's true.

PERINO: And so I feel like it was a lot. State of the Union, I'd say, there were no hecklers.

GUTFELD: Right.

PERINO: Okay. There was these grace moments where you had a spontaneous "Happy Birthday" for an 81-year-old who was in the - one I guests of the President. You had some beautiful grace notes. I did think that the most historic point though was that the President of the United States for the first time in our country's history had to be on the floor of the United States Congress to declare that the United States will never be a socialist nation.

GUTFELD: I know.

PERINO: And the thing about that is that he wasn't just saying, "Okay, I am midway through my term and I've got two more years left," he's like, "Okay, this is a choice between what I'm proposing, which is capitalism, freedom, all this good stuff and socialism." That was a very interesting way to frame it.

GUTFELD: Yes. It's very scary, Rob when you think about it, and I just want to say I rest my queso.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Rob? Rob, that probably wasn't worth interjecting into that.

ROB LONG, TV WRITER AND PRODUER: So jealous. So jealous.

GUTFELD: I know, yes.

LONG: It's like what were you doing during the Super Bowl? You were just sitting there eating Pringles, get queso and gassing friends. You were sitting there in your underwear eating Pringles.

GUTFELD: What are you going to wear when you eat Pringles?

LONG: Kind of a sheet so you kind of like scoop up the crumbs.

GUTFELD: Exactly. Rob, what did you make of the week? Take your pick of any of issue.

LONG: The State of the Union, I thought was like - the heartbreaking thing about the State of the Union was that it was really good and you just think yourself, okay, so you can - to Trump, you can do it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: You could do this if you want to. You could actually give a speech that's kind of sweet and sentimental and stuff ...

PERINO: And patriotic.

LONG: ... and still a little bit fiery. And patriotic. You could actually be like a really cool, chill, together, emotionally stable person, so let's just do more of that, right? Because the brilliant thing when he said, "This country will not be a socialist country" is that you could hear the Democrats in the audience saying, "The hell it will."

(Laughter)

LONG: He's got him so wired, like they arrive to that thing. You have to make a call to like the cable company or the cell phone company and you're like your pre-irritated, like you're just so mad and you're calling and you'd like you just know that you're going to yell and then the person on the other line is like super reasonable and they solve your problem like two minutes.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: But you're still really mad.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: That was the Democratic caucus in that room that night.

GUTFELD: The villain wasn't what -- he cracked up ...

LONG: Yes, so mad.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, and they just had to look with a frown. Kat, is it possible for compromise if it doesn't serve the interests of the media?

KATHERINE TIMPF, HOST, FOX NATION: No, I don't think compromise is going to happen.

GUTFELD: No?

TIMPF: No. There are things that people should have been delighted about. For example, sitting there, we had Matthew Charles, we had Alice Marie Johnson, who are free now because of Trump.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: And only because of Trump because I read about it and that is how pardons work.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Yes, so special report. Again, I bring the facts. It's wonderful. There were so many people in prison who are but shouldn't be there. They're there for too long and there's two of them that are free now. Everyone should have been saying how amazing that was. There's a lot of things -- low unemployment -- could have clapped for that, but they were just so mad just because they just don't want them to do anything right. And if there's that kind of environment, I don't see how compromise would be possible. Unfortunately.

GUTFELD: What about you Tyrus?

GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, HOST, FOX NATION: You know what? I enjoyed -- my favorite part was when Buzz Aldrin was on there.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: And there was a USA chant.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: And that was awesome. The whole room was chanting "USA." For like six seconds, we were a united country.

GUTFELD: Yes.

(Laughter)

TIMPF: Yes, I am glad --

MURDOCH: Everyone was "USA." It wasn't like half the room going "USA." Not on my watch, but like it was everybody was involved, so at that moment, I was like, "Wow, we can be unified."

TIMPF: That's such a low bar though.

MURDOCH: We agreed.

TIMPF: Like, oh, I am glad our country likes our country.

MURDOCH: Did I interrupt you? Well, what world have you been living in because our country dislikes our country immensely, so the fact that they were able to come together on -- kids, how many consonants, two, and a vowel, three things they could agree on. Some letters. And we already established that those were letters. That was it. That's all we could agree on.

GUTFELD: And a "Happy birthday." Remember --

MURDOCH: Kind of, and the other part, if I could get there Greg and Kat, damn.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: It's so bad between the size -- this was my point before I was interrupted -- the response from the Democrats was pre-recorded.

GUTFELD: Yes, it was.

MURDOCH: Which means, even a response to his speech, they've already made up their mind. Hell, no. So they pre-recorded so they could all go to Chile and enjoy queso and talk about how bad the country is. Like that's how bad it is, so yes, I know it was just USA, but that was probably the last time or the first time in a long time that we've seen both sides do something unifying.

GUTFELD: It's a good point. You know, I think it was pre-written and she didn't even watch the speech. Did you know that? She didn't watch the speech?

TIMPF: Why would she have to?

PERINO: But if you pre-recorded it, then you can go to the bar.

GUTFELD: Yes, that is true.

MURDOCH: And have queso.

GUTFELD: Why didn't I think of that? What am I doing here? All right. Coming up, a new art exhibit features an Ivanka look like vacuuming crumbs. And no, I just didn't throw a bunch of words together just now. That's really a thing.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: It's art that truly sucks. It features Ivanka and a vacuum, hence the sucking. Behold this performance art piece called "Ivanka vacuuming at a gallery in Washington." Where a woman who looks quote, "strikingly like Ivanka Trump" enters a carpeted room and starts vacuuming, while patrons throw crumbs on the floor for her to vacuum up.

That's pretty humiliating. But isn't that the point? The artist says quote, "Here's what's complicated. We enjoy throwing the crumbs for Ivanka to vacuum. That is the icky truth at the center of the work. It's funny, it's pleasurable, it makes us feel powerful and we want to do it more." How edgy. How dangerous. How lame.

Look, I'm not trying to censor art or anything, but artists about taking risks and that's about as risky as peanut butter. All this bozo did was match the media's desires -- pure cowardice -- and how is this not misogynistic? Imagine putting Hillary or Michelle Obama in her place.

Anyway, I've seen better performance art here.

(VIDEO PLAYS)

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: And here, I thought that only happened to me.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Rob, you are in the entertainment field. Don't you think that performance art gets a free ride because there's no standards?

LONG: Yes, it's just whatever, right? It's like, you could just kind of see like this, "Oh man, I just had this. I got this grant to do this thing. Ivanka vacuuming?"

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: And then they'll be, "Yes, that's great. Just do that. Just do that."

GUTFELD: Trump plus X.

LONG: Yes, yes. She does -- she's going to polish some silver. Perfect. I get it. It's very complicated. But you mentioned that like anybody else like imagine Chelsea Clinton, right, they're actually very similar.

GUTFELD: Right.

LONG: Both have you know parents with complicated marriages. Both have parents who got super rich in like a lot of shady different kind of ways. Both have dads who have struggled with weight?

(Laughter)

LONG: They could have picked her, right? That would have actually made people who watch that very uncomfortable. This just made them feel super smug and like, proud of themselves like what kind of art is that?

GUTFELD: You know what the thing is, it could have been that Ivanka is just really good at vacuuming and Chelsea isn't because --

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Because Kat, I don't know anything that Chelsea is good at.

TIMPF: I know, I don't either.

GUTFELD: Did this disturb you? As a woman?

TIMPF: I was so jealous.

GUTFELD: Why?

TIMPF: I would -- Ivanka has it made. First of all, she is so rich and so successful that I'm certain she never has to actually vacuum ever. She has people to vacuum for her. Second of all, she's apparently also so famous that people want to watch a look alike of her vacuuming.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: If there were an exhibit of Kat Timpf look-a-like does the dishes, I'd let people throw food at that puppy all day long. I'd be so happy. Which I do have one question.

GUTFELD: What?

TIMPF: Where are the crumbs coming from? Isn't that wasting food?

GUTFELD: That is true. That is true.

TIMPF: Yes, this is a social justice nightmare.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: You know what, I think it's coming from the beards of the left wing man.

TIMPF: Oh, the hipsters.

GUTFELD: Tyrus, that wasn't directed at you.

MURDOCH: I you know. I ain't no left wing man.

GUTFELD: I know. I know. I know. Does this bother you? Or do you care about it?

MURDOCH: A rich white woman vacuuming?

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: Not really.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: I try to -- like when I read this story, I was like, is it because we've got kids in the audience tonight? We're just going to play it safe. But then that creepy video you show of the dog peeing -- sorry, kids -- I guess, it really doesn't matter.

Look, here's the - it's funny how you word things. If this would have been like women are so powerful that they can be a CEO of a business and then come home and clean up after lazy men, we'd all be applauding. This is brilliant. We'd be like, "Wow, that's so true like a woman can be a CEO during the day and then come home and have to clean up after lazy ass husband who's sitting on his chair playing Xbox and didn't see the trash overflowing or the stuff on the floor or whatever," and everyone would be like, "Wow. That's power." Like throw a baby at her she catches it while she vacuums. Wow.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: Women can do it all, like this is amazing, you know, and it would be on the phone time and sell off the ranch, but no instead, they wanted easy money and they just put that Trump on the end of it because everyone is going to come see you could throw bread crumbs at Trump and it really - it was a really lazy ass piece of artwork. This - hey, kids, this is why you do that report ahead of time.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: You know, like what the teacher says you've got two weeks to do the assignment. Don't do it the night before. So it would look like that.

GUTFELD: Dana, demeaning? Was this demeaning?

PERINO: Well, of course, and the hypocrisy is rich, to say the least. But this is also very funny to me. This is revealed on the same week that Ivanka Trump announces a big new global initiative to help women all over the world become entrepreneurs with better skills and training so that they can help take care of themselves and be better providers for their own families because we all know that that's what women around the world actually need. And so it's a strange juxtaposition, right? They would never have done this to Chelsea Clinton.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: But they will do it to her even if they had the same programs.

GUTFELD: Yes, it's a great point. The performance artist has not done like a tenth of 1% of what she's trying to do for women. She's doing more for women than the performance artists would ever do for women, plus it is so -- performance art is such a scam.

Anybody can do this. You could actually walk up and throw spaghetti on somebody and go, "That's performance art."

TIMPF: Officer.

GUTFELD: What?

TIMPF: Officer.

GUTFELD: Officer, yes. I am in the park walking the dog at 1:00 a.m. and I don't really have a dog, officer, its performance art. I am not sure what that means. Up next, is Denver about to legalize shrooms? I don't know, but if they do, I've got a tourism ad to sell them.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

TODD PIRO, CORRESPONDENT, FOX NEWS: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I am Todd Piro. Virginia's embattled Lieutenant Governor facing growing calls for his resignation. That is after a second woman accused Justin Fairfax of sexual assault, this time, while they were students at Duke University. Fairfax has denied both allegations and is refusing to leave office. This, as the Governor and Attorney General, both embroiled in blackface scandals. Governor Ralph Northam saying today that he wants to pursue an agenda of racial reconciliation.

And the average tax refund down about 8%. That's according to data released Friday by the IRS. Refunds averaged $1,865.00 compared to $2,035 for tax year 2017. This is the first full year of the sweeping tax overhaul. The new rules lowered most individual rates while nearly doubling the standard deduction. I'm Todd Piro, now back to Gutfeld.

GUTFELD: Will tourism boom if they legalize the shroom? Voters in Denver -- they have them there, Dana -- will soon decide whether magic mushrooms should be decriminalized. Enough people signed the petition to put the proposal on the ballot, which goes up for a vote in May.

Now recreational pot has been legal in Colorado since 2012, but Denver could become the first city in the U.S. to decriminalize a hallucinogenic drug. And if it does, wait until you see the ads from the Tourism Board?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: There's never been a better time to visit -- home of the Broncos, Coors, Lights, Mile-Hi. Skiing, Avalanche, Rocky Mountains, Skiing.

Denver take a trip.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: That's the best. Kat, you like me, you think that all of these things have medicinal properties.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: This is a good sign. No?

TIMPF: Yes. Decriminalize it 1,000%. Even if it didn't have any medical value, even if it was just so people like wanted to see you know, dragons, I think that's fine. I think that's fine, too. It's not the choice that I would personally make, but in this country, it's supposed to be a free one and we should stop locking people up for what they choose to put inside their own bodies. That's number one.

Number two is yes, this actually does have legitimate medical purposes. The FDA actually found that it can be a breakthrough therapy for depression. You know what sucks, Greg?

GUTFELD: What?

TIMPF: Depression.

GUTFELD: Yes, it does. I don't know why I said what?

TIMPF: Yes, so why are we going to not take advantage of something like this just because it has a stigma around it. I think that they should definitely decriminalize it and I think everyone should decriminalize all the things except for like murder.

GUTFELD: Oh, good. I'm glad you established --

TIMPF: I do draw the line somewhere, Greg.

GUTFELD: That's right, yes. It's a chalk outline apparently.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Tyrus. Thank you very much. They laughed. Tyrus, the problem with illegal drugs is you can't get a standard dosage so people end up OD'ing, but if you legalize something, then you have a dosage that you can control. That's the way I look at it.

MURDOCH: Sorry, I'm still tripping off from the video, so it took me back some places. I agree with Kat even with the murder thing, I'm with you.

TIMPF: Anti-murder.

MURDOCH: I agree. Also, when you take the element of crime out. Now, many moons ago, children in another lifetime. We'll call this guy George. Okay. George was in college with some of his friends on weekend and one of his buddies came in from Wisconsin, weird guy. And he might have brought a bag of things that resembled what we're talking about today, shrooms or mushrooms. I think they call it shrooms in the street, correct?

And they might have tried said shrooms, this George character, whoever he is and it all - it takes you there. And at one point, George couldn't stop laughing to the point where he thought maybe he had to go to the hospital because he was laughing at everything, but there was an old river picture in the middle of the living room and to get to one side of the living room to the other, George and said friends took their shoes off and rolled their pants up so they could cross the living room and not get their feet wet.

George had new Jordans he just got from home and there's no way in hell he was getting them wet, so -- and after that, and a headache later, we realized you know what? This shroom thing really isn't for George. So I get it. Now, maybe if we would have went to like a Walgreens and got a proper prescription. I wouldn't have thought my house was flooded.

TIMPF: You mean, George.

MURDOCH: George, yes. George, yes.

GUTFELD: Dana, this is Colorado.

PERINO: I am the worst person to ask about this.

GUTFELD: Oh, don't pretend. Colorado.

PERINO: Pretend what?

GUTFELD: We know.

MURDOCH: Wyoming's beautiful neighbor, Colorado.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: So yes, my family all lives in Denver. Other family and friends all around Colorado. They think it's been terrible.

GUTFELD: Oh, really?

PERINO: Yes, I mean, they're not happy and look, and I know like, all the hate comes at you, if you say that. I'm for States' rights and I get that and I know, sometimes, you know, I have that saying you have to be for what's going to happen. These legalization are going to happen. So my request is just that people be mindful. Keep children safe and do what the police say like don't drink and drive. Don't do all that stuff. And let's just see how it goes.

I am very encouraged and excited about the medicinal properties that it has and if you can use it to help treat people, especially our warriors that came back with PTSD, then absolutely, we should do that.

GUTFELD: Very good. Very good. Rob, you're kind of the expert on this I would say.

(Laughter)

LONG: By the way, Dana, is so high right now.

(Laughter)

LONG: It's insane. No, yes, I'm an activist in sort of in this community. I have to say that they're one of the reasons why these things should be legalized and decriminalized, they're not addictive. There's no research that says they're addicted at all. They're incredibly helpful for people - - PTSD victims, assault victims of psychoactive and psychedelic drugs, so psilocybin, MDMA, even LSD, you know LSD, the founder of AA went to Canada in the early 50s for LSD treatment and that was one of the reasons why there's a spiritual element to AA because he had a spiritual experience.

This is sort of serious stuff and the reason we don't have them now is because of like incredibly crackpot bureaucrats who want to control everything you do and a Federal government that can't let something go and that they did it in the 70s, they did it in the 80s, and it's time now for us to sort of like, you know, enter the new century and treat it -- I think, treat it with great respect.

And you've got to treat it with like -- these are serious medicines, but they could absolutely transform people's lives for the good.

GUTFELD: All right, we get it.

MURDOCH: You hear that George.

GUTFELD: You're a dealer.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: You don't do that with your friends on Wednesday when you're bored, George, wherever you are.

LONG: First one is free.

GUTFELD: First one is free. First one is free. You've got to lose the magic, so it's not a novelty. Just call it something else. I mean, you can't go, "I'll have the magic mushrooms, please." It's like -- it' just not right. All right.

LONG: DMs are open by the way. DMs are open. First one is free.

GUTFELD: Up next. Say goodbye to traveling to Mars are getting a new cell phone, "The Times" wants to abolish billionaires.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Is it suddenly unhealthy to be super wealthy? The "New York Times" ran this headline this week, "Abolish Billionaires." Why? Because they're not pledging to give most of their money away. You've got seven billion people in the world, 2,200 of them -- 2,200 are billionaires; 500 of them are Americans. Why? Because our system is the best. It encourages innovation, that someone from a socialist country invent the home computer, your smartphone, no socialist invent this.

(VIDEO PLAYS)

GUTFELD: Meanwhile, billionaires, they create jobs, they move the stock market, they boost the economy, and even more if you ban billionaires, who's going to fight the media? Jeff Bezos said it himself, "If I can't stand up to them, who can?"

Peter Teal took down Gawker. Trump nailed the "Daily Telegraph" for smearing his wife. Now, Bezos is facing off of with the "National Enquirer" after he claims they tried to extort him over some nude selfies. What do they all have in common? They can stand up to the media because they've got enough FU money to do so. Which is why we need billionaires to protect your right to send nude selfies. For reaction. We turn to a leading socialist for a response.

(VIDEO PLAYS)

GUTFELD: Bernie is looking younger.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Hey, Tyrus. Take your pick. You want to talk about Bezos or you want to talk about banning billionaires.

MURDOCH: Gee, I don't know, kids, Bezos or billionaires? Your parents are nodding, billionaires for 500, please. I mean, I guess if we all get a check because where is that money going to go when you turn down the billionaires? Are they going to spread it out?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: So we're going to get a check --

GUTFELD: For people who are unwilling to work as they say. Can't work around willing to work, right?

MURDOCH: I mean, I'm just a skosh short of a billionaire myself. Sure. I don't know give or take a billion, so I think this is ridiculous and where are we going with this? So if you're successful. Like are we back in Medieval Times where the billionaires come out and say, "Let them eat cake. We'll pay for it." Where do we go from this? Like is being successful now the new villain?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: I mean, I just don't - I don't get the purpose of the paper because you're going to say get rid of billionaires, then what's next? Well, millionaires are kind of smug, too.

GUTFELD: You can never find enough rich people --

MURDOCH: Then you've got to deal with that thousand-aire, that guy.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Then there's that hundred-aire, that arrogant guy with his head in the clouds. F him.

GUTFELD: Yes.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Rob? Tyrus is right. We used to admire the American dream. Now, we see it as something negative.

LONG: It's even weirder for the "New York Times," I mean the "New York Times" was bailed out a few years ago --

GUTFELD: By a billionaire.

LONG: By a Mexican billion and Carlos Slim who bailed them out. He invested a lot of money in them and he let them expand. "New York Times" by the way is doing really, really well, but they had influx of capital from Carlos Slim, a billionaire. You can just hear the "New York Times" people getting the call from Carlos Slim saying, "Oh, no, no, no. We didn't mean you. We like your billions."

GUTFELD: We like a certain kind billionaire.

LONG: Yes, we like that billion. We don't like other billions.

GUTFELD: Like Tom Steyer.

LONG; Yes, exactly. So look, the point about it is, economics 101, just because someone has a billion dollars doesn't mean they took it from somebody and they didn't can take it from you. They actually created something that expanded the pie.

I mean the Dow closed at what? 25,000 today at some point like that this week? That's about what is it? Like 100,000 X return since 1903. I mean, the economy gets bigger with people and as they get richer, it's not a zero sum. And I feel like we have to keep saying that over and over again in this country, which is worrisome.

GUTFELD: That's the thing, Dana that this argument sells because people don't read about the past.

PERINO: It's as old as time itself.

GUTFELD: That is true, 4,000 years.

PERINO: I call it SBO -- selective billionaire outrage.

GUTFELD: Right.

PERINO: Because as you mentioned, Tom Steyer, that's a good -- if you're a liberal, then that's a good billionaire for you to have because he will help pay for your campaign to impeach President Trump.

GUTFELD: Right.

PERINO: If it's - the other thing is the "National Enquirer," I heard they might be running an op-ed next week to ban all billionaires as well. I think they - like this business model is not working out for us anymore.

GUTFELD: Kat, final thoughts on this? You're libertarian, I believe.

TIMPF: Yes, I'm pro-billionaires. People who want to ban billionaires want to do so for the exact same reason that I want to ban women who can grow long thick beautiful hair out of their own head.

MURDOCH: Oh come on. Then what would you do when they cut it?

TIMPF: What do you mean?

MURDOCH: Is it their hair and your hair now?

TIMPF: Because of capitalism. Because of capitalism, we live in a country where we can have billionaires and we can also buy and sell hair with each other. So I can have that hair strapped into my head.

GUTFELD: Do you keep in touch with the person who gave you the hair?

TIMPF: No, This is all from a stranger. This is all from a stranger. I don't really know who it is. But I'm really grateful because people on Twitter are always like, "Kat, your hair is so beautiful." And I'm like, "Got you." But capitalism is a wonderful system and I can only think of one problem with it.

GUTFELD: What?

TIMPF: No matter how much money you make, you can never buy a pterodactyl.

MURDOCH: Because their extinct, kids.

GUTFELD: They are extinct. All right, up next, are the speech police coming after your Valentine's Day card? Maybe or maybe not, I haven't decided.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Do not cross the line when sending a Valentine. That cheesy Hallmark card may get college kids in trouble. The free speech watch group is noting the sexual harassment policy at the University of New Orleans.

The very broadly worded harassment policy includes, quote, "Sending suggestive or obscene letters, notes or invitations." Technically, that could mean a cheesy store bought Valentine card.

Now you're going to get kicked out of school for sending someone a card? No, but if you're doing a bunch of other weird things, the school could add that love note to your pile of offenses. So choose wisely. In other words, don't send overly suggestive cards like these ones. These are not good. I just want to tell you, all right.

Here is one, "You have stolen my heart. So I stole your dog. Now, we are even, Doris."

"Happy Valentine's Day, My love. I have been living under your bed for three months."

These are really terrible. Never send these out. Never send these out.

"Happy Valentine's Day. I've tried on all your underwear."

Awful. These are the kinds of things. You should never send these things, America.

"You are so beautiful, or now anyway. Sadly, the inexorable process of aging affects all of us in a negative way."

This one's very bad. "You're the kind of girl I could take home to my mother. My mother's dead."

I don't even know what that means. Maybe she's in a vase in the living room.

All right, "You brighten my day. You also make the voices stop. The voices that tell me to kill."

These are terrible and very suggestive. "Happy Valentine's Day. I got you flowers. Like us, they will die soon."

Maybe that's one I should edit out. Anyway, this is my favorite. "Roses are red, violets are blue. You will not ignore me."

I had more. I had more, but you know what? I'll just stop there. Okay, I'll stop there. Those are suggestive cards. Dana, you should never get - - do you like Valentine's Day?

PERINO: I don't really celebrate as an adult. I have been married for 20 years. But I loved it as a kid.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: You did, as a kid? Whoa, whoa. I loved it as a kid. Look --

PERINO: No, Greg, they were applauding 20 years.

MURDOCH: They were applauding a 20-year marriage, Greg.

GUTFELD: Don't applaud that either.

MURDOCH: She loved Valentine's as a kid.

GUTFELD: I am speaking as in grade school as someone, Kat, who got so many cards, I felt bad for those who didn't it. That's what I hated about it. I had all of my cards and then everybody else --

MURDOCH: I'm sorry, Kat, I know it's your time, but you expect us to believe that?

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: You'll have your chance.

MURDOCH: Oh, kids, cover your ears. He is lying through his teeth.

GUTFELD: Kat?

TIMPF: Well, that's the entire point, right?

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: Like these college students, most of whom are adults should totally be able to handle receiving a card from someone that says, like, be mine on it with like, a, you know, a bee or whatever garbage that they're selling in the stores these days, because first graders do it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: First graders are able to handle receiving these cards and I also got a big box of cards in the first grade. I think I peaked at five, I matured.

(Laughter)

TIMPF: I think I peaked at five. But if they can handle it, then college students should be able to handle it. I was just fine. I have no resulting emotional trauma whatsoever from the Valentine's thing.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, not from that anyway.

TIMPF: Not from that.

GUTFELD: Rob?

LONG: I think it's a very problematic holiday.

GUTFELD: Yes, problematic.

LONG: And I actually feel like it is problematic. Think about Cupid. You are involuntarily without consent violently penetrated by an underage erotic totem.

GUTFELD: A cherub.

LONG: A cherub, whatever that is, like that can't be good, so I feel like they're probably -- I understand that if you really think about it, you should -- we should probably banish all fun, but especially this fun.

GUTFELD: It is too much fun, Tyrus.

MURDOCH: Yes, I mean, as a school teacher like a kindergarten teacher, like, "Hey, Johnny bring your little sexual harassing ass over here, what are you doing? Handing out I love you's to all the girls. Go stand in the corner." Like that's the world we live in now. And the reason why this is such a broad thing is because you don't know what is safe anymore.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

MURDOCH: So I kind of applaud the school, it's kind of a warning. Because if you send the wrong card to the wrong person on the wrong day, it could ruin your life. So it's got to be right because Valentine's Day is the scariest day if you do without date and if you gave the wrong woman a card. That's your ass.

GUTFELD: You know, I hate present day Valentine's Day as an adult. When you go to the restaurant, and there are other couples that feel compelled and it's very quiet. Whenever you go out on Valentine's Day at restaurants, do you see the couples --

PERINO: Hushed tones.

GUTFELD: It's just so quiet because those are people that don't go out a lot. So they force themselves to go and they aren't even fighting. They're like, so quiet. At least if you have dinner at home, you can fight.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: No, you have to be like this, "Happy Valentine's Day. I love you." It's not working. All right. Don't forget "The Gutfeld Monologues Live" continues next month. The first show is sold out. Buy tickets -- oh, but tickets for shows in DC, Detroit, Dallas and other several cities still available, ggutfeld.com. That's where you go for ticket info. "Final Thoughts," next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Got one, only one. Kat --

TIMPF: just wanted to let everyone know that there is a special Valentine's Day episode of "Tyrus and Timpf" coming out on Valentine's Day. We talk about our worst Valentine's Days ever and they're pretty bad. So you should check it out.

MURDOCH: Yours was horrible.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: All right, well, that's all the time we've got. Dana Perino, Rob Long, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, studio audience.

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