Tyrus: Antifa just need a 'good old-fashioned spanking'

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This is a rush transcript from "Gutfeld!," April 30, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.


CRAIG MELVIN, NBC ANCHOR: And then there these rumors that the first family was considering adopting a cat. Is that true?

JILL BIDEN, FIRST LADY OF THE UNITED STATES: Oh, yes. And that is true. Yes.

MELVIN: Can you confirm that?

J. BIDEN: He's waiting in the wings. She. She is waiting in the wings.

MELVIN: Was this your idea, Mr. President?



GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: He doesn't know what a cat is. Keep clapping, what's your problem? All right. The thing about rebellion, much like doing Whippets. It's only fun in small bursts, let it go and heated or even sympathize with it. It only grows and like my bikini line during lockdown. It turns on you. Reminds me the time I rescued a poor kitten outside my apartment only to learn a few months later, it was a raccoon.

Whatever was initially adorable. Now evil. It's like relationships. Some women date the bad boy with the face tattoo because he's fun and dangerous. But it's not fun a year later when he sold all your furniture and he's passed out in your living room which is also where he keeps his bike and his meth lab. Which brings us to Antifa and Ted Wheeler, the mayor of Portland, Oregon. Last July he stood with rioters after 100 nights of Mayhem or as CNN called it peaceful protesting.

As they tried to injure the police. He tried to play the hip stepdad promising he'll buy you a beer if you promise to drink it at home.


MAYOR TED WHEELER (D-OR), PORTLAND: With you, no matter what. And if they want tear gas against you. They are wanting to tear gas against me.


GUTFELD: Hmm, to save his thin white skin there he was standing side by side with nuts, as if he was competing in the three-legged race at a Manson family reunion. And yet they kept rioting. Remember, it was Wheeler who rejected help from the Trump White House and slammed those who wanted to restore law and order to a once great city.


WHEELER: The words and actions from President Trump in the Department of Homeland Security have shown that this is an attack on our democracy. Keep your troops in your own buildings or have them leave our city.


GUTFELD: OK, Braveheart. Yes. How brave is that rejecting lifesaving help from Trump, just saying can maintain street cred with the scum. And yet the rioting didn't stop. So, what did the mayor do next? The same thing. A month later.


WHEELER: I'm going to do the work that I need to do here in my local community with my local officials to take accountability for what's happening on our streets. And I'd appreciate that either the president supports us or he stayed the hell out of the way.


GUTFELD: Well, like Charlie Sheen's teeth that has not aged well. Now you're later even a dumb ass like Wheeler would realize he chose the wrong allies. Who knew you couldn't trust a bunch of angry dweebs wrapped in bandanas, torching buildings, while roaming the streets playing Pokemon Go? His new friends even showed up, show the respect by chasing him out of his very own apartment.

But Wheeler thought, hey, maybe if I pet the crocodile, the reptile won't eat me. Not so they continued.



GUTFELD: I know you think anarchists would listen to the pleadings of a weak mayor who seems more at home teaching massage therapy at a strip mall than running a city. So finally, like a mob rat working with the FBI, he announced he needed help getting his old allies arrested and unmasked and asked the public to get their names and license plates to do the work that he refused to do.


WHEELER: Our job is to unmask them, arrest them and prosecute them. These people often arrive at their so-called direct actions in cars and they're all dressed in all black. If you see this, call the police. If you can provide a license plate. If you can do so safely, that information can help later.


GUTFELD: Oh. OK, Rambo. Now he wants citizens to risk their lives as if he backed them up when the (BLEEP) hits the fan. But we've already seen how he turned his back on the cops. But no surprise to Antifa still went on damaging schools and churches and of course their chances of ever having success in life. And now they release a video in which not only do they ducked the mayor, they threatened to kill him.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: We were asking for the last time that you resign. If you ignore this message outright the destruction to your precious way of life is going to escalate. Blood is already on your hands the next time. It may just be your own.


GUTFELD: You know, I know that supposed to sound scary, but you know the person behind that phony voice is a Dorito-stained blob, who had to peel himself from his gaming chair for the first time in months. And maybe that is his real voice. He's just breathing heavy from standing up too fast. He likely has a hygiene problem because he only showers once every moon phase. Still, they threaten a political leader with death.

Then again, so did Madonna and Johnny Depp and it didn't really matter, but it should. But they're now threatening a Democrat. So maybe it might matter for once. I suppose you would call this terrorism, but they aren't Trump's supporters are white supremacists. Sorry, that's redundant, according to the media.

By the way, if you want to see white terrorists, take a look at the mug shots of Portland rioters, even for a city that's 75 percent white, they're suspiciously pasty. Apparently, student loan debt causes green hair and acne. I'm starting to think the cure for Antifa is getting laid. So, I get no joy over Wheeler being threatened and I hope he learned something from this. Other than that it's not appropriate to wear a cardigan to a riot.

But maybe you should side with the citizens before you side with those who want to hurt them. This is on page two of how to be a mayor handbook. You thought that by courting the barbarians they would stop at the gate. They didn't. They correctly surmised, you had less balls than a bodybuilder on steroids. And they ran you into the ground like a rental car. That's what happens when you pretend that you could be a mayor of a city but you look like you're suited to be manager at Circuit City. We're here for you, Ted, you need help. America's got you. Even if you don't get us.


GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. They created a morning show to make him think he has friends. Fox and Friend's cohost Brian Kilmeade. She's the only Kennedy we dressed for a ride home. Host of "KENNEDY" on Fox Business Network. Kennedy. He's so smart. Einstein copied his homework. Former White House press secretary and Fox News contributor, Ari Fleischer. And every picture of him is the big picture. My massive sidekick and host of "NUFF SAID" on Fox Nation, Tyrus.

So Brian, you've been a long standing supporter of Antifa for years. I bet you feel pretty gross right now.

BRIAN KILMEADE, FOX NEWS HOST: All right. I regret if I had to pick a terror organization. I picked the wrong one.


KILMEADE: But I found out it's not just Antifa, it's also BLM together destroying the city, which I think is important. One thing was pretty clear and only this show put it together the aging of Ted Wheeler. I have never seen somebody age faster --


KILMEADE: -- than a man with 100-plus days of rioting. And there's one other thing I learned from Ted Wheeler that you should probably keep in mind and the country should learn from. You have spent your life not pleasing people.

GUTFELD: That is true.

KILMEADE: And that is work for you. And if every day you don't please anyone and that Ted Wheeler tried to please and he ends up embarrass. So the Greg Gutfeld mantra is please no one make no one happy and the rest of the country can live happily ever after.

GUTFELD: I think my wife might agree with that. OK. Good job.

KILMEADE: Your sidekick does.

GUTFELD: Yes. This is deeply hurtful. I want you to know that I'm spending this weekend crying. Kennedy, this is your --



GUTFELD: Yes, that's true. You know, Kennedy, whenever we talk about this, you always say Ted Wheeler is awful. But the alternative is worse. So there's actually -- you could add -- if you say like they got to get rid of them. The next choice for mayor is usually like a squirrel with a methamphetamine problem or --

MONTGOMERY: That actually would be an improvement.


MONTGOMERY: The woman that ran against him and they were neck and neck going into the November election was actually an Antifa supporter.


MONTGOMERY: So maybe they're trying to get him to resign. And they're dumdums. And they think that the order of succession is just the next person who almost got the most votes in the last election. That's not necessarily how it works. But it's really sad to see the city where I grew up and devolve into this.


MONTGOMERY: And they have been on a long, slow decline for quite some time. And it's not surprising. And this is what happens when you try and appease a group of domestic terrorists.


MONTGOMERY: It doesn't end well. And this truly is -- and I was reading this article today to my 12-year-old daughter, and I was telling her this is what domestic terrorism is.


MONTGOMERY: When you're threatening someone's life, when you're threatened to kill someone for a political outcome when you're trying to scare them into changing their behavior. That's textbook terrorism.

GUTFELD: Yes. You know --


TYRUS, FOX NATION HOST: Your daughter is going to have nightmares. You're reading to her.

MONTGOMERY: Well, she's already living in New York City.


MONTGOMERY: Sounds like a vast improvement mom.

GUTFELD: If I have kids, I'm never going to read to them.

TYRUS: Good idea.

KILMEADE: Unless you talk prompter.

GUTFELD: Yes, of course. What's that mean? All right. Enough. You. Ari, OK. We all agree that terrorism of any stripe is bad. But for some reason, this type of terrorism is kind of almost excusable by our mainstream media.

ARI FLEISCHER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Well, of course it is because the left is tolerant. So when you tolerantly threatened to murder somebody, you're still being tolerant. Just as the cloak that you get to wear when you come from the soft side of the left.


FLEISCHER: And the press just rolls right along with it. But, you know, all of this nonsense began in Minneapolis after the George Floyd murder. The mayor of Minneapolis said the solution was radical love. If you remember that. And then it spread to the summers of love in Portland and Seattle, which of course just opened up the floodgates in the doors for the hatred, the looting, of violence, the mayhem and the riots.

And this is brought to you by the left and I'm glad you condemn it. I'm glad you bring attention to it. And I'm glad the mayor has flipped flopped after 100 nights of riots.

GUTFELD: Yes, you know, Tyrus, I need to ask you, if you were mayor, how would you solve this problem now or is it too late?


TYRUS: Oh, it would have been over a JUMP, it would have been over a jump. First of all, I would have supported my police department from JUMP, I would have made sure they had racism and all the facilities they needed and I would have the National Guard in there like that, like what? Like that. There should have been -- he had a -- he had a moment though he should have known that he was on the wrong side of it.

If you watch the video when he turns his, me my constituents and there was no one behind him. He watched that video back when he motioned to the back. It was empty chairs. Even the -- even the sailing, this guy was like, no, not me. It's on the tape. Watch it. But, you know, it's that old -- that old story, The Frog and the Scorpion.


TYRUS: Doesn't matter how you carry him and what you promise them eventually they're going to sting you. This isn't even a political group. You don't have enough depth to have a political agenda. It's just give me free stuff or I'll burn you down. If -- they're just children that need a good old fashioned spanking and who better than the boys in blue and our National Guard to get things right down there.

MONTGOMERY: But they are arrested but the DA will not charge them with anything. So it's a catch and release program. And Mike Schmidt who's the D.A. in Portland has done an incredible disservice to people who live there and businesses in the entire community and not to mention people who would ever go visit there. Why would you?

TYRUS: See, if I was married, it'd be catch and catch.

GUTFELD: Yes. Exactly.


TYRUS: Catch and keep. Catch and keep catching keep would be my philosophy and the general would have been out.

GUTFELD: But I would be catch and release but from a bridge.


GUTFELD: No, no, no. A short little bridge so they land comfortably in water.


MONTGOMERY: It is the city of bridges.


MONTGOMERY: It's the city of bridges.

GUTFELD: It is a beautiful city of bridges.

TYRUS: Lots of fog too. Hard to identify. Let's point that out there.

GUTFELD: Being hard to identify, what happens like in the -- at some point, this Antifa thing is going to die down. How do they get jobs? Do they get jobs? Are these just -- do we end up just taking care of these (BLEEP) idiots?

KILMEADE: No one's working and now Antifa, all you have to do is apply for to get your unemployment poster in college at least until -- they're going to happen until at least September.


KILMEADE: So they can't wait or they can't get that busboy job they aspire to. It's not going to happen.


GUTFELD: No, no, no. Yes. Don't knock the busboys.

KILMEADE: I'm sorry. I apologize.

GUTFELD: You know what, Fox and Friends elitists with your curvy couches and your cooking segments think you can come up in here and bash the busboys?

TYRUS: Right. Yes.

GUTFELD: You know, neither (INAUDIBLE) would do that. The old one or the other one.

KILMEADE: You are -- you're angry about the busboys than you are about Antifa.


TYRUS: We don't know his backstory. We don't know his years of --


GUTFELD: I was raised by busboys.



KILMEADE: I like to see those adoption paper.

TYRUS: We're missing the point though, they're out looking for jobs to get elitist to donate GoFundMe pages.



KILMEADE: No, you know what they want to be.

TYRUS: You know, they get -- so there's no point to work.

FLEISCHER: No, no, no, no, when they grow up, they all want to be social media influencers, that's their job.

GUTFELD: Well, good luck with that. All right. We got to take a break. I'm so excited about this next block, it's Fauci vs. Rogan in the latest vaccine wars.


GUTFELD: It's the UFC versus the CDC. Podcast King Joe Rogan had to explain his comments about young people and the COVID vaccine after getting corrected by Pope Fauci. This is what Rogen originally said.


Joe Rogan, UFC color commentator: People say, do you think it's safe to get vaccinated? I've said, yes, I think for the most part, it's safe to get vaccinated. I do. I do. But if you're like 21 years old and you say to me, should I get vaccinated? I go, no. Are you healthy? Are you a healthy person? Like, look, don't do anything stupid but you should take care of yourself. But there's a lot of jobs that will tell you need to have this.


GUTFELD: Of course, the only thing the media took from that was young people don't need to get vaccinated. The headlines get written and it becomes a thing. Next thing, you know, Fauci is getting asked about it on the today's show, never heard of it. Seriously, when is Pfizer going to give us a vaccine to inoculate us from hearing Fauci's opinions? Fauci said Rogan was incorrect because even though a young healthy person who catches COVID might not have symptoms, they could still spread it to someone else.


DR. ANTHONY FAUCI, DIRECTOR NATIONAL, INSTITUTE FOR ALLERGIES AND INFECTIOUS DISEASE: So if you want to only worry about yourself and not society, then that's OK. But if you're saying to yourself, even if I get infected, I could do damage to somebody else. Even if I have no symptoms at all. And that's the reason why you've got to be careful and get vaccinated.


GUTFELD: Fine. But that's not what Joe was talking about. He was only addressing the health risks of a 21-year-old alone. Anyway, now it's really big thing because Fauci weighed in and now Rogan has to respond.


ROGAN: I'm not an anti-vax person.


ROGAN: In fact, I said, I believe they're safe. And I encourage many people to take them. My parents were vaccinated. I just said, I don't think that if you're a young, healthy person that you need it, their argument was, you need it for other people.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So you don't transmit the virus?

ROGAN: That makes more sense.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So I'm a young --


ROGAN: That's -- but that's a different argument. That's a different conversation.



GUTFELD: Fair enough. But remember Joe's old job? It was nuts.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The popping sound is the outer membrane breaking. I never cease to be amazed at what you preach eat.


GUTFELD: Who would have thought that a guy whose job was to get contestants to eat deer testicles wasn't the best person to go to for health advice? Yes, those were deer testicles in case you missed. But you -- nobody remembers Fear Factor?

MONTGOMERY: I would have ruled that show. I will eat anything.

GUTFELD: Is that true?

MONTGOMERY: I had eaten so many different species of testicle. I would have eaten dogs, I have eaten snakes, I have eaten men trails --


GUTFELD: You truly eat balls.

MONTGOMERY: I do. I'm full of them.

GUTFELD: You're like one of those lotto machines.

MONTGOMERY: Yes. You just pull my arm and woop.

TYRUS: If we were playing I never, I'd say I never.

GUTFELD: Yes. But you know what, Joe didn't really say anything wrong.

FLEISCHER: Yes, he did.

GUTFELD: That's a very common sense kind of thing.

FLEISCHER: He said something wrong. If you're 21, and you're healthy, get your vaccine.

GUTFELD: No, but --

FLEISCHER: That's -- that -- everybody should get it. And if there are people who just for religious reasons, other reasons don't and it's as long as teeny tiny minority respected. But if you're 21, you're healthy. Get your vaccine. So you don't get this thing from anybody else. Though it's not going to be more serious than the flu for most young, healthy people. Who wants to get the flu? Get your flu shot, get this shot, no matter what your age.

GUTFELD: Well, you know, Brian, I heard through the grapevine that people at Fox and Friends were intentionally trying to infect you with COVID.

KILMEADE: Which is kind of interesting. It's kind of aggressive. I guess I am kind of abrasive to the crew. And I have a bit of a temper.

GUTFELD: You do.

KILMEADE: So, I didn't know I had enemies not to that point.


GUTFELD: I hear you don't talk to people in the elevator.

KILMEADE: That's true. Absolutely. So David Lee Miller got you that information because he is our finest investigative reporter. What I did, unlike the way Kennedy prepared for this segment, focusing on deer.

MONTGOMERY: Oh, pure protein?

KILMEADE: Right. I focus on the math. And actually Joe Rogan who's got literally $100 million to dig his podcast to Spotify. He's one of those influential people in the country. So if you don't know him, get it and keep up with it. He also in the same segment says he takes testosterone, ton of vitamins. So, he says that he's going to get vaccinated. But for a 21-year-old, the chances of dying from this is .08 percent, so it's less than one percent.


KILMEADE: So what he's saying is actually not wrong.

GUTFELD: I know. I know. I agree. I agree. But I think in this case, it's all about the cost benefit analysis that you make on your own. What you're saying is that you're, you know, it doesn't hurt, do it and you want in fact, other people, but I think -- I don't know, my -- I'm looking at it this way, Tyrus. I think that like it's just the media -- the media looks at Rogen and they got to take him down.


GUTFELD: Because he's found the third way. I mean, he doesn't -- you can't -- he can't be canceled. He could do with it. Like you said he's with --


KILMEADE: But he's taken down his old shows, Greg,

GUTFELD: I know. Yes.

KILMEADE: Did you see that?

GUTFELD: Yes. They're going to do that with Fox and Friends too. We're actually going to --we're actually going to take down -- I heard that they're going to take down future Fox and Friends shows before they even air.

KILMEADE: That's -- that'll be the worst way to get fired.


KILMEADE: You're going to be on still on the show but in the future, you're fired.


KILMEADE: Can you put the radio show next time you put me down? Because I would like some more --


GUTFELD: I love your radio show. I love your radio show.

TYRUS: I've been on it. It's cool.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

KILMEADE: Thank you.

FLEISCHER: It's going to get fired.


TYRUS: I mean -- so your question was, you know, I got -- I wing it. I got it.


TYRUS: He gave his opinion.


TYRUS: What is wrong to where we can't give our opinion anymore?


TYRUS: If you go to Joe Rogan for your medical advice, then, you know, then, you know, you can come to me about being -- and good relationships your entire life. I mean, if you may -- it's a -- it's an opinion. And Fauci jumped in and I'm not saying that he's been on the other side of the fence. It's been confusing try to figure out from the CDC what we can do and what we can't do. They're like, how are you going to get a vaccine? So nothing changes.


TYRUS: Well, I mean, it's confusing. So he gave an opinion and yes, he has a tremendous viewership and he -- and he's become -- he's the podcast is the way and they can't touch this. Of course, they're going to attack him but you can't go after him after giving his opinion and he was open the dialogue.


TYRUS: And he said -- he -- and he backtrack. I'm glad he didn't apologize. I'm glad he didn't write a 12-page essay about how sorry he is.


TYRUS: Good for you. He just said this is what I thought. He got information, he goes, well, that's a different conversation. So he's the adult in the room and unfortunately, the media and Pope Fauci aren't. They don't want that.


MONTGOMERY: We -- OK. We had lockdowns in the first place to protect older people, to protect who are most vulnerable to the vaccine. Those are the first people vaccinated.


MONTGOMERY: So if you're talking about who should be vaccinated first, it's people who have the highest risk of dying from the disease or being hospitalized. And so, the people who have the lowest risk maybe talk about people who should get the vaccine last. And maybe it's up to them whether or not they get the vaccine.

KILMEADE: Would you agree with this, Kennedy? If you could survive in the Octagon you should probably be last to get the -- I mean, Joe Rogan is a martial artist. He's going to survive.

TYRUS: Well, hold on, hold on, hold on.

KILMEADE: But this is not survival, this is just your hell.



TYRUS: He talks about it. He calls it and he goes, oh, he got knocked out. No, you want (INAUDIBLE)

KILMEADE: Why is so hostile all the time? Do you get him this angry?

TYRUS: No, Greg shows me the notes you sent him after I talk.

KILMEADE: Again, I can't trust the guy at all.

GUTFELD: All right. Getting ugly. Figuring out. What makes men more attractive? Well, you're looking at it.


GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: If he likes wearing brands, keep an eye on his hands. A new study finds men who wear luxury clothing with prominent logos are more likely to be dirt bags. That's science. Well, at least more likely to cheat, according to research from the University of Michigan. They have universities in Michigan? Excellent work, guys. How did you conduct this study? Watch every season of the "Jersey Shore"? I bet they also found out that a man with a giant Nike logo is more likely to just do it.

Study also set out to determine whether women are more attracted to men and flashy clothes or men who are rich. Authors say such clothing helps facilitate mate attraction, but also indicates poor long term parental investment, which is really a complicated way of saying (BLEEP). So, let's go to the woman on the panel. I always like saying that. That is you Kennedy for today. You identify as a woman today?

LISA KENNEDY MONTGOMERY, FOX NEWS HOST: Indeed, until the women's restroom is full of men, I have to go to the men's restroom. Use the loo.

GUTFELD: I identify often as a woman when there's no line.

MONTGOMERY: Yes, at ballgames.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. I get quite indignant. Anyway, where are we?

MONTGOMERY: So, this I, I studied Evolutionary Biology at UCLA, and it was a fascinating subject, because so much of it is about you know, risk aversion and parental investment. And the parental investment for men can be as low as 30 seconds. For women, it's as low, and we're talking about, you know, hominids, not anatomically modern humans. For women, it's the least parental investment is four years. So, you have a lot more if you're a woman invested in actually getting pregnant, and men want to signal that they can procure resources.


MONTGOMERY: That you will be, you and your spawn will survive, your spawn will half spawn. That is reproductive success. And, and the, the ultimate conclusion is, if you were giant logos, then you have very strong sperm, but you're not going to look after them. Interesting.

GUTFELD: This is why Brian carries around a lot of sticks. Because you're always off -- you're trying to offer to like build a fort for women.

BRIAN KILMEADE, FOX NEWS HOST: Right, that is true. I will say this don't ever call on her first and expect us to follow up, you will not get a better answer than that and period. But I will, I will say this. This is the one time where size does matter, and big is not good. Small (INAUDIBLE) shirts mean it's a settling down type, is that the conclusion? And these are the studies the University of Michigan is doing. I think if you go there, it's time to drop out. It costs $72,000 a year, and I got logo size studies?

GUTFELD: This is a good point. You know, Ari, I was thinking like why do researchers do this type of study? It's so they can ask girls personal questions at bars and brag about being a scientist. Oh, you know, this is just for my research. Would you like to come back to my place?

AIR FLEISCHER, FORMER WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY: Right. Now, this is where the teaching assistants send in their undergrads to do this hard work, including asking if women are attracted to men who are rich. Yes, I mean that a university is to tell you this? But I don't, I don't after what it's been said here. If this was Harry, meet Sally, I have no response to that. What you said what you said, right? Is he passing?


KILMEADE: Do you see my clothes? Do you see what I'm not wearing?

FLEISCHER: That means you're just settling down tight.

GUTFELD: Yes, you know, Tyrus?

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: First of all, this is a hit piece. This is a complete hit piece. There's no secret you put a polo on there. I got a polo on my shirt. I'm not a whore. This is a choice.

GUTFELD: By the way, that's a huge logo, but it's on Tyrus.

TYRUS: But I think what they're trying to say is that that men tend to peacock. They try to show out and stuff like that. But it's not with clothes. They do that for each other just like women with lingerie. That's for other women though to show them their stuff guys don't they use clothes to show that they got their stuff together shoes together. You attract a woman with a car or a big piece of jewelry or a jet that's why you see so many broke as brothers standing in front of somebody else's car and taking a smile putting on her Instagram.

Like anyone can a woman say anyone can have one good outfit. Yes, they always look at your shoes. You know, I'm saying everyone has one good outfit, but is he wearing the same shoes every day? Yes, that's what they look at. This was done by lonely scientists trying to justify that no one's going nuts over their white jacket that they're walking around in campus. And in fact, you trying to put over on Polo. This is a headpiece, is this because I made a joke about you not having friends last night?

GUTFELD: Yes, I think so.

TYRUS: First time in the history that Polo was being confused for peacocking.

GUTFELD: Brian, you only have one pair of prime shoes.

KILMEADE: Right. I felt kind of bad about this I was hoping we go to break right after that comment.

GUTFELD: You know what --

FLEISCHER: I just learned I had no idea that's why women looked at your shoes. I learned that tonight I learned so much

MONTGOMERY: Absolute -- that's the first thing you do. When you're sizing up the man, the first thing you do not is watch. You look at his shoes watches are fake but, but men don't think their shoes signal. They absolutely do. And, and second, the female version of the peacock is a p- hen.

TYRUS: Oh, well done. Just

GUTFELD: So, you know. I came up with a list of signs of untrustworthiness to be found in clothes. If his shirt is covered in blood.

TYRUS: I concur.

GUTFELD: Is he wearing a hospital gown on the street? Right? Is there a blinking bracelet attached to his ankle? And last, if he's a grown man slash T.V. anchor who always carries an overstuffed backpack around the office.

KILMEADE: I will say this. You provided the question, we provided the answers are those bad things?

GUTFELD: There are bad things.

KILMEAD: Those are bad.

GUTFELD: You are a bad person. Somebody's got to tell you that.

KILMEADE: And if you have bloodstains, it's tight it to get it out right?

GUTFELD: But by the way if they don't have any tripod it's prevented. That just for Brian Kilmeade. Nobody else. I'll kill you. The pride can do it. All right, don't go anywhere. Up next, we find out how everything I said this week was 100 percent accurate.


GUTFELD: Welcome back. Let's find out if we got anything wrong this week. For that, we go to our shows Ombudsman, Steve Phoenix, Jr. Steve lives in a secret bunker 47 levels beneath the earth and he watches T.V. 24 seven, mostly in the nude. Now, he's been watching our show all week and he's here to point out any mistakes we may have made. So, Steve, how did we do?

STEVE PHOENIX, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Honestly, Greg, sadly, not great. Not great at all. Let me just start by saying that I'm not mad at you. I am just disappointed in you. So let's start with Monday. On Monday, you said this about vice president Kamala Harris. Mike amigo, you want to roll that clip?


GUTFELD: He thought that Kamala Harris was going to be the replacement, right? The backup quarterback? Yes, I think it's like because it was the choice by the media, and not the choice by the people. Because she sucked during the primaries. She was like she had the lowest number in the primaries, and now she's, she's like a heartbeat away from the presidency.


PHOENIX: Greg, she did not have the lowest number in the primary. Before she dropped out, she was pulling around five percent she was ahead of Yang, Bloomberg, Booker clover char Gabbert I am 47 levels beneath the surface of the earth. Totally nude slathered in a projective gel of my own invention. And even I knew that.

GUTFELD: But you understand --

PHOENIX: Now, I'm trying to be -- yes?

GUTFELD: You understand that? I was just I mean, I wasn't being exact. I was being directionally true.

PHOENIX: OK. OK. I'm trying to be constructive here. You're getting defensive. We want you to get better. But how could you forget about New York Mayor Bill de Blasio, he had zero percent support, even in his home state. So, yes, Harris didn't do well on the primary. But she wasn't the lowest. You are never the lowest in anything if Bill de Blasio was involved. And shame on you. Shame on you for not remembering. Fair enough.

GUTFELD: Fair enough. Fair enough.

PHOENIX: Oh, so thank you. This is tough love, Greg.


PHOENIX: And mostly love.

GUTFELD: Speaking of tough love, is there an axe behind you?

PHOENIX: You know, my private life is mine. And I hold it very sacred. Let me put it this way, Greg, you will eventually be in this room with me. All right, so let's move on. Can we move on?

GUTFELD: Yes, we can move on.

PHOENIX: Because you had a very interesting idea this week about taxes. Mike, honey, you want to pop that up?


GUTFELD: I have this theory that like, because we don't care anymore about, about deficits in the debt? Why? Why not just not pay taxes for a year?


PHOENIX: OK, let's, you know, let's start with the positives. Really interesting question out of the box idea. Keep asking questions, Greg. Keep being curious. There are no quote unquote dumb ideas, except maybe that one. In 2016, economist, Howard Chernykh, was asked about the same idea. And here's the problem, income taxes about a 50 percent, 65 percent of the federal government's money. So, if no one paid taxes, the government would have to borrow a lot more money or reduce spending. Which do you think would happen, Greg? Rhetorical question, don't answer it. Yes.

GUTFELD: They would borrow.

PHOENIX: Yes, we would. We would borrow? Yes. Right. Yes. OK. Well, this is progress. And we'd issue more debt and the Chinese would end up owning more of us. Greg, Greg?


PHOENIX: Why do you want the Chinese to own us?

GUTFELD: I don't. What I'm saying is we're already in debt. So, what's another 2.5 trillion? We're just adding that to the debt. So it, doesn't matter. That was my boy.

PHOENIX: I don't know why I'm the 147 levels below the earth and you're the one with a TV show. You need to think these things through Greg. And again, I'm not angry. I'm just disappointed. And let's remember though, this is a period, not just for critique, but a time to celebrate some wins. Let's celebrate some wins.

GUTFELD: OK, I'm up for that. What wins?

PHOENIX: Brian? Brian Kilmeade. Honestly, big fan here. Not sure why you're doing this show but you're a team player and much respect. Earlier today you said on you know, frankly one of the real shows on this network. You said, you said this Mikey, you want to toggle that one up?


KILMEADE: Greg Gutfeld, who I don't personally like, but I do believe is brilliant at times and very successful.




PHOENIX: this is, this isn't really a correction. I wanted to agree with you and celebrate. I am also not a fan of Greg's.


PHOENIX: And as for the brilliance and success. Well, yes, this is America. It's not about talent. But I wanted to call that out. Because there's so much negativity these days. And I love that you started out by lifting up the smallest among us. So Bravo.

Finally, Kennedy, a little factoid. I mean, I love everything you do. Huge fan. Huge fan. Why? Why? Why is this not your show? But I just thought, well, you know, you're nice to say that. Portland, as you said, what would happen if the Raider resigned, it would be even worse. Interesting fact about Portland. There is no deputy mayor of Portland. If the mayor resigns, there's just no Mayor until the election. So, now --

MONTGOMERY: So, I get to be mayor.

PHOENIX: Well, I mean, I think I think that's one being made. I think no one being mayor of Portland is the best possible outcome for Portland.

What could be better? Right? I thought the whole thing Thank you.

Yes, you're welcome. began big fan. Greg, my transmission. Now my transmission. Now it has to end. The gel that I'm covering is dying is drying and flaking. And I'm sticking to my chair. Have a wonderful weekend. Greg,

GUTFELD: You too. See you later. Great guy.

Coming up, what you consider blackmail, I call a segment you requested.


GUTFELD: All right, time for a new segment that I'm calling --

ANNOUNCER: "PUNCHING DOWN," Where Greg reads your mail.

GUTFELD: Yes, welcome to "PUNCHING DOWN" where I read your mail just like what the little jingle said. All right. Tonight's edition is sponsored by Squeeze It. As an 8-year-old boy back in 1996, I used to run home right after school and Squeeze It to the mail.

First one is from Mott, "Fox said, this was going to be a comedy show how many weeks in will the comedy actually start?" Mott, the comedy starts the moment you leave for work and then I stopped by to bang your wife. I kid, I kid that's not true. She usually comes to my place. You don't get this kind of quality entertainment on "FOX AND FRIENDS."

KILMEADE: Right. We don't usually put down our viewers.

GUTFELD: Yes, it's called punching down.

KILMEADE: Oh, sorry.

GUTFELD: See, next is a question from Jessie, "When is your show being canceled?" Jesse, very soon actually, which is bad news for me and good news for you. They are in fact canceling GUTFELD! And replacing it with the viewer named Jesse Hour, where you'll be filmed in your small bedroom emailing world famous celebrities like me in between pleasuring yourself to amateur porn on a musty twin bed and eating funyuns with your feet. It won't do better in the ratings in my show, but you will beat Don Lemon. And that's all that matters.

Anyway, here's a question from Christie, "Why, why can't you see that being awful mean and hateful to people isn't comedy?" Who said it was Christie, are you hearing voices again? I told you before those voices aren't real you know Christy I hear voices too every day the articulation of Clive oh and tells me to eat light bulbs. But I don't most of the time anyway so that I asked you also ignore the voices in your head as well. Unless they tell you to meet me at the Port Authority Bus Station this Saturday night with a brown paper bag full of large bills and a jar of mayonnaise.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Christy, this is Clive Owen go to the Port Authority Bus Station this Saturday night with a brown paper bag full of large bills and a jar of mayonnaise.

GUTFELD: Clive's really busy. George asks, "Are you on or off your meds?" George, if meds is a nickname for your mom, then yes, I'm on meds and off meds and on meds. So, the answer is off and on. Also, George, can you make me a sandwich and leave it in their fridge before you go to work? I usually get pretty hungry.

Next question is from Norman, "Are you going to ever hire comedy writers for the show? Well, Norman, are you ever going to hire comedy writers for your face? Maybe he's right. That wasn't my best work. Actually, we've hired an entire crew of comedy writers pumping out five star copy around the clock. I think we have tape of them. They get so excited when I mentioned them on T.V. and they do a great job. Stay right there. More stuff is next.


GUTFELD: Put that down, Brian. Before we go, let's do this.


GUTFELD: As you know, I took Wednesday off and decided to have a great time in this wonderful city called Manhattan. I am a celebrity. Just thought I'd throw that in there. Went to Central Park and oftentimes their little promotional giveaways and there was a cart and a man giving away free Red Bulls.

I don't normally drink red pool because I just gets me to wired but there was Anderson Cooper, pounding him like it was nothing and then he just couldn't handle couldn't handle it. With going crazy around the park bumping into people it was really rude. Very, very rude. There he goes again. Anyway, splendid fellow I might add. There you go.

Set your DVRs every night so you never miss an episode. Thanks to Brian Kilmeade, Kennedy, Ari Fleischer, Tyrus, Steve Phoenix, Jr., our studio audience. "FOX NEWS AT NIGHT" is next. I'm Greg Gutfeld.

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