The Navy drafts new guidelines for reporting UFOs
Sailors will now be referring to UFOs as 'UAPs' an unexplained aerial phenomena.
This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," April 27, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
RACHEL MADDOW, MSNBC HOST: The correct title of the song, in case you ever need to look it up "Whoomp, There It Is." The first word is whoomp W H O O M P whoomp.
Whoomp. W H O O M P. Did you definitely know it was whoomp? Maybe the title was "Whoop" or maybe "Oops." Oops, there it is. Poop, there it is. Tag line is, "Poop, there it is." You thought it was whoop, oops, whoop or poop -- that is about to be the theme song for the Trump White House for their response to the Mueller report, "Whoomp, there it is." Oops, oops. There it is. Whoop, they blew it. Whoops the White House. Whoops. Whoomp, there it is.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GREG GUTFELD, HOST: Whoops, there goes MSNBC.
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: It's official. Bernie Sanders is working for the Republican Party.
(Laughter)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: You have said that you believe that people with felony records should be allowed to vote while in prison. Does this mean that you would support enfranchising people like the Boston Marathon bomber, a convicted terrorist and murderer?
SEN. BERNIE SANDERS, I-VT, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: If somebody commits a serious crime -- sexual assault, murder -- they're going to be punished. I think the right to vote is inherent to our democracy, yes, even for terrible people.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Even for terrible people, probably because they'll vote Democrat. I kid, but Bernie, that makes no sense. You think a guy in jail for murder can't have his rights taken away? What is it about being in jail that you're missing? He is in jail. He can't go outside. The toilets have no seats. It seems like not voting is the least of his concerns, but hey, I guess Bernie wants the guy on death row to vote. Makes sense. He could pull one lever before we pull the other.
(Laughter)
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: Terrible. It's almost -- it's almost tailor-made for an RNC ad.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Police testifying both brothers were shooting that and throwing pipe bombs and one pressure cooker bomb at them.
TEXT: Democrats believe this terrorist should be allowed to vote.
CHRIS CUOMO, CNN ANCHOR: You think the Boston Marathon bomber should vote, not after he pays his debt to society, but while he's in jail. You sure about that?
SANDERS: You know this is what I believe. Do you believe in democracy?
TEXT: Letting terrorists vote from prison isn't democracy.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Paid for by Bernie Sanders.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: What a great issue to champion. Making sure the Boston bomber can vote. I guess chucking orphans down a well didn't score as high in focus groups. How are we sure Bernie isn't colluding with Trump? Or maybe thanks to the activist media, Sanders thinks America is just as nuts as him. No, we are not. Hell, even Cher is against this, which means it's time for --
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Cher is right.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: I'll have you know that cost over $100,000.00. It's true though Cher tweeted that even this idea by Bernie is too crazy for her and she dated Gene Simmons and Michael Bolton, not John Bolton -- but Bernie still won't let go.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
SANDERS: I said that because the right to vote is essential if you are a citizen, you have the right to vote, and that is a right we must protect because we know the history of this country. We know that women didn't have the right to vote. We know that African-Americans didn't have the right to vote.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: So like criminals are like women and blacks?
(Laughter)
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: I'd say he is digging his own grave, but he's working on the whole cemetery.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Hey, but let the Boston bomber vote.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TRUMP: Let the Boston bomber vote. He should be voting, right? I don't think so. Let terrorists that are in prison vote. I don't think so.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: I don't think so. That shows the party is on a leftward downward spiral and it makes you wonder how left can this party go?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: College is very important and should be free.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: College shouldn't just be free, it should be mandatory.
KATHERINE TIMPF, CONTRIBUTOR: Don't go to college, then you go to prison.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: While in prison, you can still vote.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Only if you're a murderer or a terrorist.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You need to raise the minimum wage.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: To at least $40.00 an hour.
TIMPF: A $100.00 an hour.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: $1,000.00 an hour.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: As long as you're in prison.
TIMPF: But only terrorists and murderers.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: We should balance the Supreme Court.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: With more terrorists and murderers.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Wow, that escalated quickly.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The Electoral College needs to go.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: One person one vote.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: One person ten votes.
TIMPF: Have a pet, a pet gets three votes.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Unless it's a cat, a cat gets five votes and a bag of clams.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What about serial killers?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Great question. Kill ten people get ten votes.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: This is really weirding me out.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The rich don't pay enough in taxes. They must pay more.
TIMPF: We need a death tax, you die we tax you.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: In my plan, we tax you after you die.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It's a ghost tax.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What about back hair taxes?
TIMPF: Terrible personality taxes.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: And taxes on ugly babies.
TIMPF: Taxes on jerks who stood me up at the prom, you know what you did, Tristan.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: We need sanctuary cities.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: No, I watch sanctuary houses.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I'm talking about your house.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Sanctuary hot tubs.
TIMPF: You've got a hot tub, I've got a right to be in it.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I'm Rick Jacuzzi and I'm running for President.
TIMPF: I'm Jenny Flemmy and I'm running for President.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I just broke out of the maximum security prison and I'm certifiably insane and I am running for President.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Paid for by the really, really, really, really left party.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: Meanwhile, Sleepy Joe finally woke up and boy, is he woke.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BIDEN: We are in the battle for the soul of this nation. I believe history will look back on four years of this President that all he embraces as an aberrant moment in time, but if we give Donald Trump eight years in the White House, he will forever and fundamentally alter the character of this nation -- who we are -- and I cannot stand by and watch that happen.
That's why today I'm announcing my candidacy for President of the United States.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Wow, I dozed off during that. So Joe says Trump is worse than war, terror, disease and cream of asparagus soup combined. Somehow I don't believe that he believes that. I'm not even sure what he believes. Isn't that weird?
This guy has been around forever and has no defining political achievement. He is like that TV character in a show that's always there and you don't know why, like Janice Litman from "Friends," Screech, Daphne from Scooby- doo. I'll have you know, she didn't [bleep]. Velma solved all the crimes.
Biden has been around a while. He is like your appendix. It is there all the time, but you don't know about it until it bursts and what is his message? "Hey, guys I'm still here." But I guess I just feel like a young man.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TRUMP: I just feel like a young man. I'm so young. I can't believe it. I'm the youngest person. I am a young, vibrant man. I look at Joe, I don't know about him. I don't know.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(Laughter)
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: He is not wrong and it can't be good if Michael Avenatti bends over backwards to endorse you, but Barack Obama doesn't. A popular two- term President says no, but the sleaziest grifter ever says, yes. That's like the head cheerleader turning you down for the prom, but the 400-pound janitor with a spider web tattoo on his face said, "Sure, why not."
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: So the next question should be, who should Joe's VP be? Joe is old and kind of slow and not that bright, so to balance his ticket, you need someone who is you know -- what's that word? Conscious.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: So Joe wants America to return to the good old days of BT -- before Trump. But were they that good if they gave us such a change agent like Trump? Compare today's economy, the foreign policy and jobs to back then. If you want to go back in time, Joe, I'm afraid you're going to be going alone.
(Cheering and Applause)
ANNOUNCER: Period.
GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. He is so tough he blows his nose with sandpaper, "Fox & Friends" weekend co-host, Pete Hegseth.
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: He is so funny he can make milk come out of a cow's nose. He is writer and comedian, Joe DeVito.
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: She is the loudest thing from Detroit since the Mustang, host of the "Tyrus and Timpf Podcast," Kat Timpf.
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: And he shaves with a lawnmower, former WWE Superstar and my massive sidekick, Tyrus.
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: Pete, this is going to be the greatest election ever because not only do you have all these candidates, you have Trump as America's heckler.
(Laughter)
PETE HEGSETH, HOST: I can't add anything to what you said. Listen, you watch you watch what Joe Biden had to say. He has absolutely nothing to say. He went to "The View." Did you watch it?
GUTFELD: Yes, and that's a beautiful place for him to be and he still did crappy.
HEGSETH: Even "The New York Times" said rambling and stumbling, generally incoherent. He was, "I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry because I'm Joe Biden. You've got to like me. I've been the guy that's been around this whole time and I seem affable and I kind of touched people inappropriately, and I'm kind of nice about it. It's all fine."
And the thing about Bernie is when he said that line about the Boston bomber, the whole crowd cheered. The whole crowd. He is speaking to a base that believes what he has to say. He is running for one thing, to win the primary. He'll deal with Trump later on.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
HEGSETH: But he says what he believes, say what you want about him. But he will be formidable because of that.
GUTFELD: He is the opposite of Biden. He actually knows what he believes. Biden is just happy to play a politician on TV. Joe, thoughts? Go for it wherever you want to go.
JOE DEVITO, WRITER AND COMEDIAN: Yes, well I'll say first of all, Democrats way to frame the issue, good choice of defending the Boston bombers right to vote. That's like if they said, if you think literacy is important. They say, well does the Unabomber get to the prison library enough?
The only vote I care about for Tsarnaev is a vote for his last meal before they fry him. Anything here for that, I'm not interested.
(Cheering and Applause)
DEVITO: That's true.
GUTFELD: Sanders would want it to be vegan.
DEVITO: Yes, they say we need to have a conversation. Okay, well the conversation is when you're in jail for a felony, you don't get to vote and when you're out, if you've rehabilitated yourself and you've paid your debt to society, we can consider it. It's not a difficult question have a conversation over.
But the Democrats now, they really are looking for what's the most far left worst person, worst position you can take to signal your virtue and they're going pay the price for it because Trump's going to have the whole primary of them tearing each other apart. He's just going to sit back and make some notes and send some tweets and he is going to shred them.
GUTFELD: Yes, it's going to be scary. Kat, thoughts?
TIMPF: My favorite was when they asked Kamala Harris that question and she said, "We can have a conversation." Like, yes, I think that's what that guy was trying to do by asking me that question.
(Laughter)
TIMPF: Like, I think that's what he was going for, but if I would have been that moderator, I would have asked her, "Well are you busy now?"
(Laughter)
TIMPF: Because we were told you had a lot at this time for answering questions, so the conversation -- now works for me. Just come on, have an opinion, you're running for President. You don't get to say I don't know any more.
GUTFELD: And she has all the time in the world to know this. She is a prosecutor. She owns a gun, by the way. That's not good for progressives. Tyrus?
GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, FOX NATION HOST: Yes.
GUTFELD: Thoughts? Take it away.
MURDOCH: You know, I actually felt bad for the first time in my life for old white guys.
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: I mean, that became a term. A bunch of old white guys walking in here, running for President, can you believe that? Disgusting. I was like, wow. This is bizarro world. I thought the whole point was to get an even playing field and have the best man-woman whatever. No, no. No white people. They're all out. Like that they were laughing, and be like, "Huh, that's kind of true."
They're upset that the poll numbers are leaning towards, the old white guys and it's disgusting apparently, so that's fun for me to watch. Never in my life would I ever thought that I'd be sitting on a TV and like, it wasn't me and my friends complaining. It was literally other white people complaining about too many damn white people's running for President.
Like we made it. We're there -- that and Cory Booker is probably the most spineless person I've ever met in my life. He will agree -- no, no, he will agree to whatever the left tells him. Would you have a woman as a Vice President? Absolutely. Of course. She is actually parking the car, not parking that car because she's on her way in. She's on -- she'll be right here.
Like he's so afraid of this left monster that it's really enjoyable TV.
GUTFELD: Yes, it is. It is. It is going to be a great two years. All right, time is running out to get your tickets for "The Gutfeld Monologues Live." Three shows remaining: May 4th, Tulsa, Oklahoma; May 5th, Dallas; May 6th, Midland, Texas. Go to GGutfeld for ticket information.
Up next, is Twitter the worst thing ever? New researcher says, yes.
(Cheering and Applause)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: We knew it was true, Twitter's run by the few. You ever wonder how a super stupid topic starts trending on Twitter or how one small thing becomes a huge scandal in just minutes, ending in some poor sap losing his job or career or how the Covington fiasco took off like wildfire nearly destroying a kid's life? Well, here's why.
A new study concludes that a large majority of tweets come from just a small minority of left-wing angry tweeters. The study comes from Pew Research Center and shows that 10 percent of the users unload 80 percent of all tweets. In fact, most people on Twitter really don't tweet at all.
The median user tweets twice a month and has only 25 followers, so how do you like that? While the rest of us are living our lives in the real world, a few people are setting the narrative on Twitter and that narrative is usually negative, angry and small. Worse, it's a storyline that shapes the media's take on the news, often ruining careers overnight. Am I right, Fredrik?
(VIDEO PLAYS)
GUTFELD: Thank you, Fredrik. Kat, I said this many times that Twitter is not representative of real life, agree or disagree?
TIMPF: I don't know because it is my life. I don't even understand what life would be like without it.
GUTFELD: Oh stop it.
TIMPF: What do people do all day? How do you know which grandpas in Alabama hates your glasses if you're not on Twitter? How do you get in trouble with your employer who pays you for something that you're not getting paid for?
GUTFELD: Exactly.
TIMPF: Like what do you do when you're lying in bed next to a loved one? What do you do with your hands?
GUTFELD: Nobody answered.
(Cheering and Applause)
TIMPF: I can't -- social media is just trouble in general, honestly. Once in college, I was on Facebook and I was trying to stalk my boyfriend's ex- girlfriend that I wasn't paying attention and I accidentally made her name my status and then my computer crashed and I walked to the library and it was up for like 35 minutes.
GUTFELD: Oh that's terrible.
TIMPF: Yes, no kidding. Don't say I've never been through anything, Greg.
GUTFELD: You know that's true. You are the real hero. I mean, he went to Afghanistan but --
TIMPF: Yes, but did you ever make your status someone's name?
HEGSETH: No.
TIMPF: Okay.
GUTFELD: Joe, every story like from Covington to Smollett to Cavanaugh was made worse by Twitter. It's just it's like they flood -- weirdos flood the zone with hysteria.
DEVITO: Yes, it's the opposite of Instagram because Instagram is look, how great my life is and Twitter is just with a plastic hammer, and now I like Twitter better when they had the 140 character limit because even now when it's long, you see that number at the end and I say, no, not for me there's not. I won't read any more of this.
GUTFELD: The thing that bugs me, Tyrus, is that this weird community on Twitter actually rejects real authentic community like there's no empathy, no sympathy and no sense of forgiveness or willingness to apologize.
MURDOCH: What -- I don't have a joke about this story because this really bothered me, and actually it scares me a little bit because 10 percent f anything is nothing. But our mainstream media feeds us the 10 percent and tries to convince us that it's what's really going on in the United States.
GUTFELD: Exactly.
MURDOCH: That is so dangerous and we see that.
(Applause)
MURDOCH: This really -- reading this story, this really bothered me because they come off, they portray this as if everybody in this room feels that way and I'm weird for not. Like that's what they try to do and there needs to be a disclaimer. Every time there's a tweet, there needs to be, also by the way just so you know that this person only represents less than 10 percent of the actual people and the people who are really tweeting the most on Twitter are Greg Gutfeld and President Donald Trump. They take up 25 percent of it. Of the 10 percent, you're at least -- the two of you together, at least 50 percent of the 10 percent.
GUTFELD: I tweet to promote this show and it doesn't help because our show is so hot that Twitter --
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: Doesn't --
MURDOCH: This man got a house on the mountaintop so he could have a clear signal to tweet. Just so you know.
GUTFELD: It's true. All right, Pete.
HEGSETH: I agree with your sidekick, but where I disagree ...
MURDOCH: Whoa.
(Laughter)
HEGSETH: Don't you introduce him as such?
MURDOCH: Would you like to meet side punched?
HEGSETH: No, I would not.
MURDOCH: He is really funny.
HEGSETH: I would not. But to me, this study is obvious.
GUTFELD: Yes, it is.
HEGSETH: Like where can I start a firm that does polls and studies that point out the things we already know. There's crazy people. They're angry.
GUTFELD: Dr. Frank Luntz.
HEGSETH: Yes, he makes a lot of money doing that. I think they missed one thing though, where is alcohol consumption in this poll?
TIMPF: It's involved.
HEGSETH: Because as my gin intake goes up, my tweeting goes up.
GUTFELD: You drink gin?
HEGSETH: Yes, I do.
GUTFELD: You know, gin is a dangerous booze.
HEGSETH: It's very dangerous. I prefer danger.
GUTFELD: Yes, I know. I know how you live.
HEGSETH: Life is boring without that.
GUTFELD: I know, I know. You know what, I just don't like Twitter but I stay on it and that makes me feel filthy and gross.
TIMPF: Okay.
GUTFELD: So let's end there.
DEVITO: Just look for anything that says "sparks outrage," you know it's complete [bleep].
HEGSETH: Sources say ...
GUTFELD: Source say -- it's terrible. Somebody said that Jack Dorsey could win the Nobel Prize if he deleted entire Twitter, and I think that's right. All right, up next, the Democrats just can't quit taking the impeachment drug. We laugh at them, next.
(Cheering and Applause)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
AISHAH HASNIE, CORRESPONDENT: This is a Fox News Alert. I am Aishah Hasnie. A 19-year-old gunman opened fire on worshippers at a California synagogue killing one person and injuring three others. The rabbi is among those injured and authorities say this may have been a hate crime. The suspect is in custody. He actually fled the scene after the shooting but called 911 to say that he was involved and gave out his location. Just six months ago, 11 people were gunned down at a Pittsburgh synagogue.
Meantime, four people are dead and three others injured from a construction crane collapse in Seattle. Crews were reportedly dismantling that crane when it fell crushing six cars. Two crane operators and two people inside cars were killed. None of the injuries are considered to be life- threatening.
I'm Aishah Hasnie, now back to “The Greg Gutfeld Show.”
GUTFELD: If you can't beat him, impeach him. Even though the Mueller report concluded no collusion, desperate Dems are trying to cobble together any evidence they can't do to impeach Trump, and as predicted, they chase the waning flame that is obstruction.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
SEN. AMY KLOBUCHAR, D-MINN., PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: The impeachment proceedings are up to the House. They are going to have to make that decision. I am in the Senate.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN ANCHOR: Do you think the House should move for impeachment?
PETE BUTTIGIEG, D-IND, SOUTHBEND, MAYOR, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: I think he has made it pretty clear that he deserves impeachment. I'm also going to leave it to the House and Senate to figure that out.
SEN. KAMALA HARRIS, D-CALIF., PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: I believe Congress should take the steps towards impeachment.
SEN. ELIZABETH WARREN, D-MASS., PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: Accountability has to come from the Congress and the tool that we are given for that accountability is the impeachment process.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: All right, now I get it, when the economy is strong and there are no big ugly wars, what else is there? They're never going to win the White House when things are good, so why not impeachment? Besides it's the fact that it's impossible, but let's face it, impeachment talk is really just therapy since God knows these lefties need it.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
MADDOW: It turns out even the redacted version of the Mueller report is like a really good ragu. It's just better the second day. You know the same thing about like sometime Chinese takeout, too, like it's good when you get it, but after it's sat overnight in the fridge chilling for a little while, next day, tastier.
Corey, write this down. Corey, write this down. Get a pen. Bite off the tip of your finger and write it in blood.
From here on out, it's only about crimes in the future.
I had Donald Trump who ran the greatest presidential campaign in history. How is that for a reelection bumper sticker, right? Four more years. Four more years. So he can run out the statute of limitations on multiple felony charges over and above. Remember, they named him individual one at SDNY on two campaign finance felonies already. Four more years for that.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Someone has been hitting the edibles.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: I get it because sometimes Joe, it's hard to gauge how much to eat from an edible, you know.
DEVITO: Yes, I don't like when anyone gives you a cookie with warnings.
GUTFELD: Yes.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Well imagine if the Democrats devoted this much energy to actual vision, to creating an actual vision.
DEVITO: Yes, or maybe worry about an election that's coming up instead of trying to win one that you lost and that has already taken place several years earlier. It's done.
(Cheering and Applause)
DEVITO: You lost. Now, but you know what, I think this killer voting rights is going to be the position that really puts them ahead this time. The amount of cognitive dissonance that they can't accept, one of the problems of left is that they are so insistent that they're smarter than everyone, that's why they're so popular in academia, that they're so smart and they think that, wow, regular people went out and voted and knew something and did something we don't like, they can't think, well that's the way the world is. They think the world must be wrong. So the world cheated.
And if you want to think about if, there's any gift you could give to Putin to disrupt our democratic process, it's this nonsense. We had the election. It was fair. The guy you didn't like one. Too bad. Deal with it and move on and stop shredding our democratic institutions.
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: There you go. Tyrus, every time I hear this stuff, it makes me think that being a politician, Senator, Congressman or whatever shouldn't be a full-time job. If they have all this time, right, all this time to have these hearings and stuff, clearly they should have another job.
MURDOCH: Well, I would like to actually bring that model over here at Fox.
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: Tyrus, where's your piece? I'm in an investigation, another hearing. What's your hearing? Uh Celtics playoff game. I've got to the bottom of what's going on. Apparently there's a lot of illegal traveling and I need to get to it. I need to put a team together, my close friends.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: To get to the bottom of it. Like this is where we're at. Here's the thing, impeachment only seals his re-election, because nothing -- as an American citizen, the last thing I want is my vote to be taken away from me.
GUTFELD: Right.
MURDOCH: Or my ability to choose.
(Cheering and Applause)
MURDOCH: We have the Mueller report. I have it at home. I haven't printed it yet. I'm getting there. There's been a lot of good sports on lately, so it's tough, but I -- you have the right as an American citizen to look through that report and if you are offended or bothered by the outrageous angry things he said to do where his staff that he paid to keep him from hurting himself stopped him from doing, if that's what you are uncomfortable with and you don't want to vote for him, by all means, do not vote from that President.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: But it's your decision. The people will speak and that's if you don't want to Trump in, run a good campaign, maybe you out vote him. But here's the thing, they keep going with this type of this impeachment hearing after hearing going after the person, he spit on the sidewalk in 1976, we're going to get him for it. You keep doing these things. What are they going to do when he gets the popular vote this time?
GUTFELD: Yes, it's going to be scary.
MURDOCH: What will happen then?
GUTFELD: You know, Pete, it's like they don't want to -- they don't want to run an actual election. They'd rather just do that.
HEGSETH: No, they want to undo the last one.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
HEGSETH: Of course. I've got to ask though, which member of your staff do you submit to this cruel and unusual punishment watching Rachel Maddow?
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: There's Joni ...
(Applause)
GUTFELD: Good question. Joni McNaughton. Joni McNaughton watches it and finds the best stuff.
HEGSETH: I give you my best.
GUTFELD: Isn't it incredible?
HEGSETH: You know what, I'll tell you this, I feel like President Trump is almost inducing them to go for impeachment, like tweets --
GUTFELD: Yes, oh he wants, yes.
HEGSETH: He wants it. He knows they can't resist it. They're going to go for it. It's the public obstruction now with his tweets. He is building a case you won't even let him investigate. That's ultimately where it's going. They cannot resist. They have nothing to run on other than hating him, but ultimately --
I was in New Hampshire, not New Hampshire. I was in Delaware, I don't know where I am in "Fox & Friends" half the time, but I was in Delaware a couple of mornings ago at a diner talking to voters. Even Democrats in Delaware who know Joe Biden, they say, "He's a good guy, but why are we talking about Mueller?" I don't care about Mueller. They want climate change and World War II is coming in 12 years and all of this. They believe all of that nonsense. They want to talk about those issues, not this stuff.
GUTFELD: Final thoughts, Kat on this?
TIMPF: Well, if the Democrats actually tried to impeach Trump, it wouldn't work and then he'd just become more popular like what happened with Clinton in the '80s and I do have an analogy.
GUTFELD: Excellent.
TIMPF: Yes, so it's one of those things that you want to make sure is going to work out in your favor before you try it, like going through your boyfriend's phone to see if he's cheating on you.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: Right? Because if you do find racy messages or you find like a list of people that he slept with while you were dating, which happens -- it happened to me so -- it happened to me. There were 17 of them, Greg.
GUTFELD: Really?
TIMPF: Yes, yes, 17 of them, but you know, if you find that and you take - - and it all -- and I wasn't even honest.
MURDOCH: That was out of respect. I'm sure it was out of respect.
TIMPF: Okay, yes. You're defending him, okay.
MURDOCH: I'm a guy.
TIMPF: So if you find that stuff, you come out on top, you take the person down. But if you don't, you end up looking like a jerk. You end up looking pathetic. You end up looking like a loser. Why'd you go through my phone? He is the victim. That's the same thing that would happen with Trump.
GUTFELD: That's a very good analogy.
(Cheering and Applause)
TIMPF: Thank you.
GUTFELD: Seventeen. What was the time frame?
TIMPF: One-year. Where did he find the time?
GUTFELD: I don't know. Anyway, we've got to talk about UFOs. Yes, goodbye UFOs, hello UAP. It's the Navy's new term for weird things flying in the sky, up next.
(Cheering and Applause)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: The Navy is drafting new guidelines for reporting UFOs. Actually, the Navy is now calling them UAPs -- Unexplained Aerial Phenomena. This after a series of unauthorized and unidentifiable aircraft that's found its way into our airspace. Now the Navy isn't suggesting these are aliens from another planet, which is probably why they're calling them UAPs and not UFOs. I'm confused.
And a former Pentagon Intel official says these things should be explored not ignored. I agree. I myself have spotted many a UFO and I photographed them with the hopes of having them identified by military experts. Here's some UFOs I've observed. Take a look at this one. Yes very loud with deadly blades on its head. I believe this thing -- this is some kind of weapon. It always seems to follow children.
Then there's this. This creepy and slow-moving and it's always looking down on us. This is clearly done for spying and wow, look at this. This alien seems to want to communicate with us and it's offering a deal of some kind.
And this is -- ah, it's just a bird. All right, Tyrus, thoughts on UFOs.
MURDOCH: Unidentified flying objects, right, it doesn't say alien, so it's kind of like anything in the air you don't know is a UFO. Rebranding. It ever works. IHOP, IHOb. No, not really. You still call it -- even with the giant B, you're like, IHOP, bro, stop. I'm here for pancakes, not burgers. Rebranding never works.
GUTFELD: It doesn't.
MURDOCH: So I don't know why -- what -- how much money is this costing us?
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: All these taxpayers --
GUTFELD: All new stationary now. They have you have all new UFO stationary.
MURDOCH: I mean, you're rebranding something that doesn't exist.
GUTFELD: What about the bathroom towels?
TIMPF: You don't know it doesn't exist.
GUTFELD: You have -- you have the monogrammed towels used to be UFO, now it's UAP for the UFOs when they land. They've got to take a shower.
MURDOCH: You're going to make this about your bathroom and towels, aren't you?
GUTFELD: They've got to take showers. You've got to have your monogrammed --
MURDOCH: Okay, they are not bathing aliens, Greg. That's not the point of my story.
GUTFELD: Joe --
MURDOCH: HE is going to segue this to him taking a bath with aliens. You guys know the show.
GUTFELD: What's so wrong with taking bath with aliens?
MURDOCH: I just don't want to rebrand UFOs. There is no proof. There isn't UFOs, so why do we have to change the name?
GUTFELD: Why do you think ET was so shriveled?
MURDOCH: Because Steven Spielberg's budget was low.
GUTFELD: With constant bathing. All right, here's what I don't understand, Joe, we have this explosion of smartphones and we haven't seen a corresponding explosion of UFO sightings. In the 1970s, UFOs were everywhere. They didn't have any phones.
DEVITO: Yes, and now that everyone has a camera with them all the time, I really thought we were going to see some kickass alien and Bigfoot footage and it's mostly fights at Burger King.
(Laughter)
DEVITO: I don't like unidentified flying objects because I think it objectifies them.
GUTFELD: True.
DEVITO: And that's wrong, but I think if ever there were a time for the aliens to land, it's with Trump in the White House.
GUTFELD: Oh, hell, yes.
DEVITO: It's so hilarious. Because in the movies, always the aliens would land and they'd say, "Well, humanity puts their differences aside and Russia and China, North Korea and the U.S." The aliens would land, we wouldn't even notice because people like, we're fighting over hats.
(Laughter)
DEVITO: We're fighting over hats. Come back later.
GUTFELD: Who are you with? Aliens. Are you with us? Resist Trump. Aliens.
DEVITO: One side would them to help tear down signs like he has a sign of like and the other sign would say, "Oh you from outer space? Hey, you get free college. We'll give you free college."
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: It's so true. Pete, I have a theory that I've stolen from other people that there aren't any aliens because the lifeforms were first like us, then they created technology then they created artificial intelligence which then took over and the non-conscious overlords forever silenced the universe. So they're just dead and that's what we're headed, Pete.
HEGSETH: We're all dead.
GUTFELD: We're all dead soon.
HEGSETH: Soon, eventually.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
HEGSETH: I have no idea what you just said.
GUTFELD: Neither do I. I don't even know why I said it.
HEGSETH: That's pretty good theory.
GUTFELD: I ran out of a question.
HEGSETH: I will say though I disagree once again with Tyrus which is a dangerous proposition, what about when Domino's rebranded? They had terrible pizza and then they redid it and they rebranded, now I eat Domino's.
GUTFELD: Really?
MURDOCH: Domino's rebranded, so what?
HEGSETH: What?
MURDOCH: I know they were kind of annoyed when I was a kid, what did they do with the brand?
HEGSETH: So maybe the aliens are getting more sophisticated.
MURDOCH: They're still pizza, but they're still Domino's. They didn't rebrand the brand.
GUTFELD: Are you saying we should make aliens lots of pizza?
MURDOCH: No, no. Hold on. I guess, you're tired from Delaware. Hold on. You want to disagree. They didn't change the name to Domino's to Cards.
HEGSETH: No, they didn't.
MURDOCH: It's still Domino's.
HEGSETH: But we buy Arby's.
GUTFELD: Yes.
HEGSETH: They have the beef.
MURDOCH: For sandwiches because they don't want --
(Laughter)
HEGSETH: I think maybe we should worry a little bit more about the Chinese because they're getting pretty sophisticated, maybe we should focus there.
GUTFELD: You think the Chinese should rebrand?
HEGSETH: They're already doing that.
GUTFELD: They're already -- all right, Kat, something tells me you believe in aliens or you might have dated one? With an extra arm, Greg.
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: For shopping and texting. How happy would she be with a four- armed guy with two phones texting her every 15 minutes? It would be heaven on earth.
GUTFELD: Kat.
DEVITO: Look at the hand-holding.
TIMPF: I spent a lot of time today, like five minutes thinking about whether people who say they see aliens are telling the truth because my first thought is no, but then I thought about it, Greg and imagine what it would have to take for you and how certain you'd have to be before you went and reported that you had seen an alien, because you know that once you do that, everyone is going to think you're crazy.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: The response you're going to get is going to be like, "All right, buddy," you know and then everyone will walk around calling you ET forever and nobody likes being called ET, not even my brother and his name is Elliot Timpf.
GUTFELD: Oh. Is he kind of shriveled?
TIMPF: Not last time I saw him. It has been since Christmas.
GUTFELD: Oh, I don't know why I asked. Oh, yes, it was -- never mind. What is wrong with me? There's something wrong with me. Why do I have a show? Anyway still ahead, do you lie about what you did on vacation? You're not alone. That story is next.
(Cheering and Applause)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: Did you lie on the beach or lie about the beach? I wrote that. A new study finds that Americans are lying about how great their vacations are even creating phony photos to prove it. About two-thirds of those survey, which I believe is almost half, Pete, say they lied about the last getaways especially when it comes to the weather, the hotels and stuff they saw.
Meanwhile, photo editing services such as Fake-a-Vacation and Chrome photos lets users submit a pictures superimposing them onto fake backgrounds. Anybody could do this. For example, maybe you want your friends think you went to Barcelona or the Great Wall of China, no problem. Though honestly, I cannot relate to this. I just show people the real thing, take my last vacation, here is me and Lou Dobbs. It was New Year's. New Year's in Aspen. A great time.
And here we are the year before, I think this is South Beach. Is it South Beach? Yes, it's South Beach. So much fun. We never took our suits off. And here, I think, before in Brazil. It's like the guy who has a special power for finding the nearest hot tub. All right, Kat, is this pathetic?
TIMPF: See, I just thought this was interesting because it made me realize apparently you're supposed to be trying to impress people with your Instagram because I have just been kind of sharing, and I thought of this and I'm like maybe I shouldn't have posted that video of me putting a warm compress on a sty on my eye. Maybe I should post fewer pictures without hair and makeup.
One time I posted a picture without my hair and makeup done and someone commented, this was so brave of you to post.
(Laughter)
TIMPF: And they were trying to be nice, but that was one 100 percent the meanest thing.
MURDOCH: I have apologized so many times for that.
TIMPF: They could have possibly said to me. Like I should be afraid to show my face. I do feel bad about it.
MURDOCH: I'm sorry.
TIMPF: Thank you.
GUTFELD: Whoa, whoa.
MURDOCH: I'll never -- and I'll never post again.
GUTFELD: All right, Joe, what Kat just did is so fake, good-looking people post pictures of themselves without makeup and go, "This is me without makeup. Oh, look how ..."
TIMPF: I have never once done that.
GUTFELD: I'm still attractive.
TIMPF: I have never once done that.
GUTFELD: They do that, don't they? The Kardashians do it all the time.
DEVITO: Yes, that's the purpose of Instagram, and I think George Costanza said it's not a lie if you believe it.
GUTFELD: Yes.
DEVITO: And these vacations -- it's true. The point is not to have a vacation to take photos, the vacation is the photos you put up so that people can see it. Instagram -- this whole thing is a sham. I don't even think there is such a thing as avocados. I don't think they exist in the real world.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes. They're quite tasty.
HEGSETH: I think a small pro tip is if you are doing that, don't take a public picture and then use it in your fake picture so people can compare them to each other.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.
HEGSETH: Be a little more sophisticated about the photos you choose. Yours were very carefully selected.
GUTFELD: Well, you know it's me and Lou. Me and Lou travel the world in our private copter/boat.
HEGSETH: Can I get invited in the next one?
GUTFELD: No. No. Are you kidding, there's only room for me with Lou. You come near him, you're dead. Hey, Tyrus, everybody loves to post their vacation photos because --
MURDOCH: I don't.
GUTFELD: Well, some people --
HEGSETH: I agree.
GUTFELD: Want to make sure that the people they hate know you're having fun.
MURDOCH: No, I think, Greg, you're giving away too much credit. You have to understand, social media and Instagram, the new truth is the lie. They lie about everything. It's not just -- vacations are the least -- if someone takes an average picture, it's an angle and then when you meet them in person, like, what the -- you know what I'm saying? I can't do that when I meet you. The entire thing is a lie.
People have been living in separate houses and don't even speak. All of their pictures are like, "Us with the kids at church, and then we have the family meal and then we built the church for other people together." But in real life, "Don't look at me, I'm not. Why are we here? The Lord didn't say we have to meet once a week." Like literally so -- it's directly lying. Social media is a lie.
(Laughter)
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: It is a lie.
HEGSETH: Everybody sees it every day.
GUTFELD: Twitter is a lie. All social media is a lie. Everybody get off of it.
MURDOCH: Filters, you're going to think women have deer antlers and they are happy with crystals on their head. I mean --
TIMPF: What?
MURDOCH: Filters.
GUTFELD: We've got to go. I hate those things, too. I hate the filters. I hate everything though. God, I've got to stop hating things. "Final Thoughts," next.
(Cheering and Applause)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
ANNOUNCER: "Final Thoughts." It's the last thought. That's why it' called the "Final Thoughts," okay.
GUTFELD: Real quick, Pete?
HEGSETH: Big congrats to my new cohost, "Fox & Friends" weekend, Jedediah Bila is joining us.
GUTFELD: Oh, who is she?
HEGSETH: We love her.
GUTFELD: I know, I'm joking.
HEGSETH: Official.
GUTFELD: Joe?
DEVITO: For truly pointless Twitter, checkout @JoeDeVitoComedy and joedevito.com for all my tour dates. I've got Atlantic City, Long Island and a bunch of other fun stuff coming up.
GUTFELD: Excellent. Congrats. All right, we're out of time. Thanks to Pete Hegseth, Joe DeVito, Kat and Tyrus. Our studio audience. I'm Greg Gutfeld, and I love you, America.
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