This is a rush transcript from "The Five," July 26, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
JESSE WATTERS, HOST: Hello, everybody. I'm Jesse Watters along with Dan Bongino, Capri Cafaro, Dagen McDowell, and Greg Gutfeld. It's 5 o'clock in New York City, and this is “The Five.”
Are you ready for witch hunt 2.0? Get ready, because that's what the Democrats are gearing up for. After Mueller's testimony failed to deliver the knockout blow to Trump's presidency that they promised, Nancy Pelosi and her pals are now revealing their new plans to go after Trump.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: We are filing an application for the grand jury material underlying the Mueller report. We will continue to seek testimony and key-fact witnesses and to investigate the president's misconduct.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: And it was clear to me, anyway, yesterday, he did not follow the money, so someone needs to do the investigation into money laundering. We're having a vigorous debate about whether we need to go beyond investigation to impeachment.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: That we were simply trying to run out the clock on impeachment --
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: No, I'm not trying to run out the clock.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WATTERS: And just moments ago from the oval office, President Trump was fired up and sounding off on the Democrats' endless investigations.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT: I think it's a disgrace what the Democrats are doing. All they want to do is impede. They want to investigate. They want to go fishing. And I watch Bob Mueller and they have nothing. These people are clowns. The Democrats are clowns. They're being laugh at all over the world.
And I watch this morning, I watch Nancy Pelosi trying to get through that with the performance that Robert Mueller put on where I don't think he ever read the agreement or the document. And the document said no collusion. They don't even talk about that. So there was no crime. They said, well, there was no crime, but he obstructed. How do you obstruct if there's no crime? But, actually, it was worse than that because it was a phony crime that they put on. The crime was what they put on.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WATTERS: Clowns, Greg.
GREG GUTFELD, HOST: Yeah.
WATTERS: People are clowns.
GUTFELD: They're clowns. Well, what else can you call them? I mean, you look at the media right now, they expect it. They're like let's make a deal and they expected a shiny corvette behind door number one. And when the curtain pulled back it was an inflatable doll. Nothing there for them. And also -- then you hear them saying, some of the media are saying, oh, it's a mixed bag, right? It's a mixed bad. Yes, it's a mixed bag of dog poop, cat poop, and horse poop.
They can't take -- as you say, Dan, they can take the L. What this was a great week for were normal people, meaning people not prone to hysterics or emotional vendettas. That you can watch this with a detached -- as a detached observer, OK?
This could go one way or the other. But your whole life isn't hanging on it the way it does with Morning Joe. They're having public nervous breakdowns over this. If they went the other way, we would just get on with our life. We'd go have dinner. We feel bad one way or the other because we support the president. We don't want -- you know, we don't want their hysteria to be proven true.
But now you see the Dems and the media redoubling their efforts after this failure. They're redoubling their efforts for impeachment. So imagine if the hearing was good for them, what would they have done? If it's bad for them, this is what they're doing. Imagine if it was good for them, what would they've done?
WATTERS: I don't know. I don't know.
GUTFELD: They would have had torches and tar and feathers.
WATTERS: That's right. It would have been pitchforks at 1600, Dan. They tried to frame him, they failed. They tried to investigate him, they failed. I mean, what else can they do?
DAN BONGINO, HOST: Guys, ladies, have some dignity. Please, isn't this embarrassing? Greg, they're throwing stuff at the wall right now, OK? First it was collusion, and that was a hoax. Then it was obstruction, and now it's money laundering. Next it will be felonious mopery (INAUDIBLE) piracy on the open sea.
BONGINO: Jaywalking after -- aggravated jaywalking. Listen, we're not supposed to say anything we've talked about in the green room. They say, don't do it. I'm doing it. I said to Greg, can you take the L? You lost. Like, remember after read my lips, the speech, every Republican years later acknowledge, big loss, shouldn't have said read my lips and raise taxes. The Democrats -- listen, I'm giving you free political advice, OK? Believe me, I know what it's like. I lost when I ran for office. Take the L, the case is over. He's right, you look like --
GUTFELD: I don't think you should have accepted that loss.
BONGINO: I want a recount.
CAPRI CAFARO, HOST: There's -- hanging chad's and dimpled chads and everything else down there. Look, I'll chime it on getting some free political advice as the Dem here at the table this Friday afternoon. I have been saying this until I'm blue in the face. The American people have investigation fatigue, and when the Democrats go down this path where they will not give up and they're focused more on trying to get at the president than on important policy issues that actually help them win the midterm elections, we set ourselves up to be the greatest adversary for Trump, because we're playing into his hand.
We're saying, you know, look, we all have Trump derangement syndrome and he's gonna say, see, see, see, and that distract from the bigger thing. But, unfortunately, some Democrats that have not gotten the memo, if they don't get it soon, the clock is ticking and we're going to be in not a great position to take on Trump in just a few months in the general election.
WATTERS: And, Dagen, they have so many committees in the House. I mean, a thousand committees, and this is just one oversight committee or intel committee, and that's all the media is focused on. It's all the Democrats are focused on. They can't walk and chew gum at the same time. They can't do infrastructure, drug prices, health care, asylum, can't do anything except this.
DAGEN MCDOWELL, HOST: The problem with the Democrats is they only talk and listen to other people who wear make up for a living. No offense, Jesse. Or anybody --
WATTERS: I have only a little blush.
MCDOWELL: Only at this table. But one thing -- he's talking about regular folks. And that's one thing that the Democrats and people on other networks don't understand is Trump's ability to talk to regular folks in this country. And when he's mad and he's ranting and raving, well, you know what, people at home would be too. I'd hold a grudge. I will hold a grudge if somebody went after me and tried to destroy me. I would be chafed, chapped, and white-hot mad about it, then followed by all this snot-nosed brats who have hated Trump his whole life and always wanted to take him down. I would be as furious as he is.
And you know what? This ferocity has worked for him. The percentage of people who oppose impeachment has continued to go up in the last year. It's almost -- what? Two-thirds people in this country survey. And the percentage in favor of impeachment has gone down. So, again --
CAFARO: That's why Pelosi is actually trying to slow walk it no matter what she says.
WATTERS: Well, I wonder what the president could have accomplish if he didn't have this entire two-year investigation and the Russia cloud holding over his head, because he had a poll come out, ABC News-Washington Post had him at 40 percent -- 47 percent. That is his all-time high in that poll. That was before the Mueller hearing. The Fox News poll that just came out, Dan, had a approval for the economy at decade high. This is pretty good stuff right now. And now he's gonna come into a recess where everybody goes home. I think he will look even better.
BONGINO: And this was a heavy anchor around his neck. But what's ironic about this entire thing too is it's boomerang on the Democrats, and they have no capacity here for self-reflection. I think it was David Gergen on the other network, nobody watches outside the airport, he said something to the effect -- passively watching it, that's what they call it. He said, listen, you know, we're not really open to the Republicans arguments here. And they've been studying this case for a long time. And I think that's why we're unprepared.
Everybody over there at the airport was shocked. Oh, my gosh. Maybe he's right? Like, we have to withstand these attacks about this hoax forever, so people at this table have done the homework, understand what it's about, and as you look into it, it's all about the Democrats and Russia and not --
WATTERS: I think that was the first time in the country, outside of Fox News, Greg. Maybe actually heard Joseph -- name mentioned, Fusion GPS's name, Glenn Simpson's name, the dossier, they've never heard that, and I don't think it's been covered by these hard news networks.
GUTFELD: I mean, it's more about, I guess, British collusion, isn't it, than Russian? I think it's a good question of the media, the credibility of this endeavor is gone. So maybe there's a Pulitzer there to investigate this investigation, because how do -- you know, how do this move forward? How do people not see this coming? Or did they know that Mueller was not engaged in this investigation and we're happy that he wasn't engaged because they were doing other things. That would make a great story for maybe, you know, a network.
WATTERS: I think that's the point because a lot of people had said he had no idea what was going on in the investigation, and it was run by Clinton donors and Clinton lawyers. So you have to think for yourself, he's being investigated by his political opponent. This is not the nonpartisan investigation that the American people were told it was.
CAFARO: Well, again, I think this was the risk the Democrats took when they decided to go down this road and put all their eggs in this basket and call Mueller to testify in front of these committees because one of two things is going to happen.
You know, if he did not explicitly say, yes, I would have charged him with a crime which kind of said but didn't say, you know, they're going to lose. And so, when it comes out that Mueller wasn't as engaged in this process when he didn't answer so many of the questions, say I'm not going to get into this, I'm not going to get into this, I'm not going to get into this, it really hurt the Democrats for putting all their eggs in this basket, which is why you go back to the point --
MCDOWELL: You know who would never called Bob Mueller to testify if he was on those side? Donald Trump. Because, again, he might have done a little- bit of research to figure out that the guy shouldn't be sitting in front of the public. But, again, these Democrats all talk to themselves and they go, yeah, you're doing such a great job. This is going to be a win.
WATTERS: All right. And now the investigators are going to be investigated. And for the first time the White House goes on offense with regards to these probes. All right, we'll follow it. Up next, is Nancy Pelosi now sucking up to AOC after their meeting today? We'll show you the video next.
BONGINO: After weeks of tensions that caused a major divide in the Democratic Party, Nancy Pelosi and far-left socialist Alexandria Ocasio- Cortez finally met face-to-face today. Pelosi, apparently, rolled out the red carpet and tried playing nice with the squad leader. But, remember, AOC basically accused Pelosi of being a racist, claiming she was singling out women of color. Despite all that, Pelosi says they don't have any differences.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Do you think you were able to bury the hatchet (INAUDIBLE).
REP. NANCY PELOSI, D-CALIF., HOUSE SPEAKER: I don't think there ever was any hatchet.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: (INAUDIBLE).
PELOSI: We're in a political arena. And so, and I'll call this -- we have our differences. Respect that. We have a good meeting, and the congresswoman is a very gracious member of Congress, so we had a very positive conversation.
(END VIDEO CLIP) BONGINO: And here's AOC reacting.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
REP. ALEXANDIA OCASIO-CORTEZ, D-N.Y.: It was a positive meeting, and productive. I think the Speaker respects, you know, the fact that we're coming together as a party and that unity. And I'm looking forward to us getting back this summer.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BONGINO: All right, Capri, I'll go to you first as the resident Democrat on the panel today. You know, we have inside, outside power in D.C., right? Everybody has heard that to me, inside power you can move legislation, outside power with the activist group. I think AOC and the squad's power on both sides is being dramatically overestimated. Zero votes on the green new deal. She hasn't been able to move anything with significance. She has had a good twitter game, am I reading this wrong?
CAFARO: I don't think -- I think there's two things. I mean, number one, the inside game is not existent for the quote, unquote, squad, because they are unable to actually move legislation or impact anything that has to do with substantive dialogue inside of Congress. So there's that. Their outside game I think is limited. I think that they have a strong outside game amongst activist groups, but not in the, you know -- dash not in the party writ-large, and certainly not in the American public at large. So I think there's the difference there.
One thing that I do want to caution about AOC and the inside/outside game in the squad, if she talked about unity, and unity is incredibly important if we actually want to win. Even Al Sharpton said this, like, yo, we've got to focus on that. Put our eyes on the prize.
CAFARO: Guess what? Oh, no, I said guess what. This is the guess what seat. So here's the thing though, I saw this play out in 2016 with the progressives. They care more about advancing the progressive agenda than the Democrats winning. They basically said Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are the same, good. I hope the Democrats lose their lesson. So I hope and pray that the progressives understand that unity means victory, but if, you know, past is prologue, I'm not so sure.
BONGINO: But, Jesse, the progressive agenda is a big loser. Nobody wants this. You cannot sell the American people 90 percent tax rates, you know, getting rid of gassy cows -- what is it? Tunnels underneath the Atlantic Ocean, whatever she wants --
WATTERS: Don't forget the Hawaiian -- or forget the London --
WATTERS: Listen, Nancy knows that, but AOC doesn't know that. So that's why they had the meeting. And you're right, this is all about unity, because what was the message afterwards? Both of them said the same thing. This is about coming together, unity, and being positive. Because right now Nancy knows that the more divided the Democrats are, the better it is for Donald Trump. The more divided they are in Congress, the worse it is for the Democrat presidential candidate.
So, I bet Nancy probably read her the riot act and said you better shut the -- up, or we're going to lose another presidential election. Because right now, all the media is doing is covering our infighting, covering your squad gaps, and you're giving a tremendous amount of fodder to the President of the United States president. He's just using you to raise money and fire up his base. So cut it out and let's get on the same team.
BONGINO: You know, Dagen, you think they would have learned from the tea party, which at the time I consider myself a member of. I still align with a lot of the values they believe in. But I think it's clear to anyone looking at it through a clear eye history now that the infighting with the Republicans was (INAUDIBLE). The Democrats had beat us back. You think the Democrats would learn from that. It doesn't seem like they are.
MCDOWELL: Oh, Nancy Pelosi knows. She's playing the long game here. She's also watched all about it eves several times, and she knows she's Margo Channing. AOC is Eve Harrington. Margo Channing wins. These women, these young women, they're children. They're driven by instant gratification. And how many likes and retweets and viral videos they can come up with. They care more about what a stranger thinks about some video.
They care more about what a stranger who can't even vote for them, who lives overseas thinks, than people who actually live in this country.
WATTERS: Nancy is thinking about 2020, 2022, 2024, I mean, she's thinking in midterms, and AOC is thinking about the weekend.
CAFARO: Can we give AOC a small Pelosi --
BONGINO: You know, Greg, I'm no fan of Nancy Pelosi, but, you know, we have to be straight at the table, she's been around a long time. You don't want her on your bad side if you've got D in front of your name.
GUTFELD: Yeah, you know, I do think though this -- two points. One, this is a win for AOC. Her status rises by meeting with Nancy Pelosi alone.
GUTFELD: She didn't meet with the other three. She just became Beyonce leaving Destiny's Child. She's -- remember I said Phil Collins leaving Genesis, remember? A couple of days ago. Anyway, so that helps her, but this really is a clash of mindsets. And Pelosi believes you can work with anyone you disagree with because that's life. We always deal with people we disagree with, and you move forward, you make compromises.
AOC is part of the new guard in which you believe the other side isn't just wrong, but evil. And you can't work with somebody you consider to be immoral or a Nazi -- what do you call somebody a concentration camp guard? You really can't debate with them after that because you'll look like a hypocrite. So I would defend Nancy Pelosi and that she's part of the old ideology, except for one problem, she allowed the new ideology to fester in her own party.
It should have been beaten back this idea of demonization. Demonizing people, calling them racist, calling them sexist, calling them homophobes, in which what you end up having is a decline in dialogue across the country.
WATTERS: Right. And now they can't do anything bipartisan.
BONGINO: All right, got to go. Even more videos emerging of cops getting -- getting assaulted across the country. Don't go anywhere, folks. It's not just New York (INAUDIBLE), next.
CAFARO: In the wake of a string of disturbing water bucket attacks on New York city police, a fourth video has emerged, this time showing little kids shooting water guns at officers. One of them -- one of the NYPD unions is now saying enough is enough and is demanding that the city's police commissioner resign. And while there is a growing outrage over what's being called a total lack of respect towards law enforcement, a shocking video from last month is now getting attention. This one shows cops in Atlanta being blasted by super soakers from a large crowd surrounding them.
All right, I know this issue has really fired a lot of people up, particularly you. You're somebody in law enforcement. I want to go to you first and hear what you have to say. We know that sometimes community and the police force don't always get along, but is this really the answer?
BONGINO: You know, I'll never forget my last day before I left the NYPD to become a secret service agent. There's one thing on the precinct and it's because we lost one of our guys, a guy who had worked his entire career for probably $50,000. I mean, he wasn't going to be poor, but he sure as hell never going to be rich. I knew the guy, came there every day, he busted his butt, and we had a general idea back then that even though we knew were going to have casualties -- the police, we'll always going to have each other's back.
And there was this -- even in New York City, the NYPD where I work, there was this top-down mentality in the Giuliani era that it's not us versus them, we work for the community, but we are not going to be crapped on either. That is gone. De Blasio is a coward. The key of de Blasio --
CAFARO: Tell us what you really feel.
BONGINO: This guy is a chump. He sits there on his throne on his ass. He doesn't do anything. He craps on the cops at any single opportunity. He blames them and tell his kids they need special rules dealing with the police officers, which is bull -- you get the rest of it. This guy -- this is your fault, de Blasio. You have never backed up the cops. Now these poor cops who go there, they lose their buddies, there are empty seats at Thanksgiving every year because we lose cops. Kids have lost their fathers, and you never back them up.
It's this guy's fault and the Giuliani -- one more thing. I'm sorry. I don't want to hog the segment, we've got a lot of voices here. But in the Giuliani era, here was the rule. You threw a damn rock, you went to jail. The second guy who threw a rock, went to jail. I promise you, there was no third guy throwing a rock. This is -- you get the rest of it.
CAFARO: You -- no, look, Dan, and you have every right to be fired up about this. And I was going to make a little bit of light saying, yeah, apparently you're going to be running Bill de Blasio's presidential campaign, but I won't go there quite yet. But, you know, you mentioned the issues of rocks. This is supposed to be something that was going to be a nonviolent protest, but obviously it's not.
I mean, Dagen, what do you make of this? I mean, you know, when people are saying that they're picking up squirt guns rather than real guns as some kind of a solution.
MCDOWELL: People watch these videos and know whether they live here in New York City or anywhere in this country, if the police officers can't and won't defend themselves even against water attacks, they can't defend the people and protect the people of the city in which they work. Mayor de Blasio, what did he say? Crime has gone down year after year after year, that's in spite of him. That's because of the police officers. That's because of the NYPD. And he's lucky, because he failed in every other way in this city whether it's protecting kids, the homeless, the mentally ill, students. The only reason that he's still in office is because the police department. This has to stop. All of these people need to go to jail.
CAFARO: And Andy got lucky. Greg, my question to you is this, is this, you know, July's version of milk shaking people? I mean, we saw this across the pond and every place else where somehow, you know, people are rising up in the streets thinking that throwing milk shakes at people is somehow going to create, you know, civil discourse. Are you ready with the milk shake?
GUTFELD: Yeah. I mean, humans are mimetic creatures, we imitate each other. So if we see the milk shakes, we see the water, and we also see it on social media. Mobs form fast because we tend to imitate each other. I think what we're seeing here, the lack of arrests is the consequence of smartphones cinema, because just one arrest when you have a mayor like de Blasio can be blown up as an example of brutality, and then you're going to have mass protests. And in a city with an MIA mayor who hates cops, let's face it, the police know that their career and their lives could be ruined, so just walk away.
And so they're in a textbook definition of a tight spot. If they do the right thing, who knows what the mayor is gonna do to them next? They don't know what -- to you, Dan, I think that this is a different era -- like, you knew Giuliani was going to back you.
But a cop there doesn't know that. So, they're like sitting there and going like you know what, arrest this kid for water or just go back with a soaked shirt and then they get ripped--
CAFARO: Look, here it seems like you know even in a time where everybody is divided, it seems like we're all united in something and this is - Bill de Blasio is not particularly for no reason, a big fan of Bill de Blasio including the President of the United States had a few choice words to say about his hometown mayor. Take a listen.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT: Probably the worst mayor in the history of New York City. The Policemen and women cannot stand him. They don't respect him. They don't like him. I thought that was tragic watching that scene a couple of days ago when I first saw it, I couldn't believe it. I said, let me see that again. I don't believe what I'm seeing. And I know New York's finest and New York's finest like we were in touch with him today. They are devastated.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
CAFARO: Jesse what's your take.
WATTERS: Well, yes, and de Blasio shot back today and said when Trump leaves office, he won't be welcome back in New York City. Well, I don't think that makes much sense because de Blasio will be out of office and Trump still owns his own tower. So, I don't think that's going to happen.
I don't even like showing these videos because it's like the new ice bucket challenge. It goes viral. It's national.
CAFARO: Much, much more--
WATTERS: Right, obviously and it encourages more people to do this because these teens on the street have found the perfect sweet spot to show their disrespect. They're not laying hands and they're not doing anything to interfere besides throw a little water and it doesn't trigger an aggressive response. But it shouldn't trigger aggressive response and they're afraid of responding aggressively because they're going to get called out on it.
No one would ever do this five years ago, 10 years ago, 20 years ago. There has been a complete lack of respect to authority figures in this country. ICE agents, teachers, parents police officers--
GUTFELD: Talk show host.
WATTERS: Talk show hosts.
CAFARO: I'm going to throw some water on you right now, because we're going to have to move on.
MCDOWELL: Pavement dive.
CAFARO: There you go. The Fastest 7 is coming up with a really creepy viral video that we debated all day of whether or not we're going to show you or not, but you know what don't go anywhere because you really will want to see it. Coming up next.
MCDOWELL: Welcome back. Time for the Fastest 7. First up, viewer warning. If you're squeamish and about to eat dinner this next video is gross. Not little gross, it's really gross. So, we'll give you a chance to cover your eyes. OK ready. Let's play it.
The Internet is buzzing over that piece of raw chicken crawling and twitching its way off the table. Real or fake, Greg.
GUTFELD: Well, obviously it's fake but it's also 5:37 PM on the East Coast. As our fans are busy making their dinner or their families, I question the reason behind showing this at that time and I now will be quiet.
WATTERS: It's just so squeamish. This is making you sweat.
GUTFELD: No, no. It doesn't make me sick. I just don't think you show that when people are having dinner.
WATTERS: Because it makes you sick.
GUTFELD: No, I just - I could - I'm saying there are people at home preparing dinner perhaps chicken and maybe they don't want to see something like that.
WATTERS: I think this is a delicacy in some parts of the world. I don't see anything wrong with this people. You ever see Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom; they were eating much worse.
GUTFELD: That was fiction.
WATTERS: Wait, that was based on real dietary restrictions in certain parts of the world.
WATTERS: These are nerve endings, there is twitching and - you know when you're falling a certain--
GUTFELD: You are out of your mind.
CAFARO: No, that's what the article said.
GUTFELD: It was from the Sun. It's a British tabloid. This did not happen.
WATTERS: Impeachable video.
GUTFELD: I live by the facts of the Sun.
BONGINO: I'm not a food snob but I'm reasonably confident, Chicken tartar is not a thing. Shaken. There is no chicken tartar--
CAFARO: Unless you want E. coli.
BONGINO: Tartar is a thing. Chicken tartar.
GUTFELD: You will die.
MCDOWELL: By the way it didn't come from Britain, where did it come from as the United States source of all the craziest stories, Florida.
CAFARO: You know what they say.
WATTERS: But there were chopsticks, so it was probably an Asian restaurant.
CAFARO: Florida Man first.
MCDOWELL: Before we move on, I'm just going to add that it is possible there is some there's a dish called a dancing squid and you put sodium on the muscles and there's some like an electrical response.
WATTERS: I told you.
GUTFELD: It happens to me.
WATTERS: I told you.
BONGINO: No thanks.
GUTFELD: I do it in my hot tubs.
BONGINO: I don't need the movement. I'll pass on the movement. Thank you.
MCDOWELL: After that horrifying video maybe you're thinking it's time to go vegan, I'm a vegan. Well, you're in luck because Baskin Robbins is launching a plant-based ice cream. The company says it's trying to capitalize on the growing food trend. They provided the show with some of these vegan delicacies.
WATTERS: Is this a taste test for turning vegan.
MCDOWELL: They're all vegan.
WATTERS: OK. All right.
BONGINO: You've assured us production.
GUTFELD: Yes, I am lactose intolerant.
BONGINO: If I'm not here for the next segment, folks--
GUTFELD: I'm lactose intolerant.
CAFARO: Where are the happy cows.
BONGINO: I can't even smell milk.
WATTERS: I think it's pretty good.
CAFARO: This is pretty good.
GUTFELD: Some kind of prank, I will sue you.
BONGINO: No, it doesn't at all.
WATTERS: I kind of like it.
GUTFELD: I will sue you. I will sue the hell out of you.
GUTFELD: Me and Dan will sue, this network will have nothing when I'm done.
BONGINO: I didn't even look at them.
MCDOWELL: So, here's the problem.
BONGINO: This is good.
MCDOWELL: Because I'm just going to--
GUTFELD: This is fantastic.
BONGINO: Good job.
GUTFELD: Are you sure this is--
WATTERS: Is this really helping.
GUTFELD: I don't believe this.
WATTERS: Is it helping or not.
MCDOWELL: Well, it can be, I don't know about this, but broadly speaking vegan ice desserts like this they can be higher in fat and calories, so people eat them thinking that somehow, it's going to help them lose weight.
BONGINO: Like the rice cake fad. Remember them.
GUTFELD: You know what--
BONGINO: I have to do a segment--
GUTFELD: Do we know how much this is? Organic stuff is always more expensive.
CAFARO: Also, there are no Baskin Robbins hardly any place--
GUTFELD: My wife got me organic shaving cream and it smells like stale flour water; it makes me sick to my stomach. And it cost like 20 bucks.
WATTERS: But it gives you that nice close shave, Gutfeld.
GUTFELD: How would you know.
WATTERS: You look good.
MCDOWELL: I would smell your face--
CAFARO: All over my face.
GUTFELD: I've got sauce all over me, now I've got to change.
BONGINO: That was I know I said at the beginning that was good.
CAFARO: It was good.
GUTFELD: Did we lose producers.
CAFARO: They're just letting us eat ice cream.
WATTERS: Are we on air.
MCDOWELL: So, we are in the middle of July but there's an online petition we want to tell you about that is calling for a big change to Halloween. The spooky celebrations date falls on a Thursday this year but this petition is asking for it to permanently be switched the last Saturday of October to be safer, longer and a stress-free celebration. Greg, they say this is for the children.
MCDOWELL: It's not. It's because people get drunk and the women want to dress up like trawl ups and harlots and they want to be out all night long.
GUTFELD: It's run its course; it's been co-opted by adults. I don't need to see somebody dressed up like a sexy mermaid throwing up on my lawn. That's a jab at Kilmeade. You don't need an opportunity to go out and dress up, just do it on your own time. Don't ruin my life.
WATTERS: See I like Halloween and I like the parties and the festivities that go along with it. And when you have Halloween on the 31st, it could fall on any day of the week. So, then you get two Halloweens. You get the Saturday night weekend Halloween.
GUTFELD: That's true.
WATTERS: Party and you get maybe the Thursday or the Wednesday--
BONGINO: Outside of the box thinking I have to tell you when I first read this, I thought this was dumb. But I've got to agree I like to party a little bit. I'm not really a party guy. And you can't with the kids, and they got to go to school.
CAFARO: I can't stand it. I'm not a Halloween person. I never have been. You know I mean I've actually - I don't know if you guys have ever seen the skit about all the ridiculous sexy Halloween costumes like sexy Abe Lincoln, it's like what.
WATTERS: How do you make Abe Lincoln sexy?
CAFARO: I mean you know a certain kind you can wear.
GUTFELD: He ended slavery. That's sexy enough for me.
WATTERS: Freedom is sexy.
MCDOWELL: You make Abe Lincoln sexy in one way as you make everything sexy fishnets. CAFARO: That's true.
WATTERS: All right.
MCDOWELL: And by the way you're going to hit a new low this year because you're going to dress your dog up. Watch.
WATTERS: I'm that guy.
MCDOWELL: Next on “The Five,” Greg's got your Fan Mail Friday questions ready to go.
GUTFELD: The theme to the 1954 version of Godzilla.
GUTFELD: Fan Mail Friday, let's get to your questions, OK. Try to keep this one clean from Judy L. As a kid, what did you keep hidden from your parents? Dagen.
MCDOWELL: Richard Pryor albums.
GUTFELD: That's good.
MCDOWELL: My parents never could figure out why I had the foulest mouth of anybody that I have met. And I only told them a few years ago that I was sitting upstairs listening to Richard Pryor albums with headset on.
GUTFELD: That's fantastic.
MCDOWELL: Love it.
WATTERS: Not marijuana. I would never do that.
CAFARO: I would hide Metal Edge magazine behind 17.
CAFARO: And realize that I was like reading about chips enough from enough xenon and whatever else.
GUTFELD: You're the only person who remembers chip.
CAFARO: Poor chip.
BONGINO: Wrist rockets, slingshots.
BONGINO: You know for some reason houses in my neighbors' windows were breaking. I had no idea what was happening, and I had a wrist rocket, so I don't know anything about Jen. The neighbors at that window. But it wasn't me. That's all I'm saying.
GUTFELD: I can't believe nobody mentioned any form of adult entertainment periodicals.
WATTERS: You've told us to keep it clean.
GUTFELD: You did. You could have said adult entertainment. I had a coffee can of firecrackers and barrel bombs and a human thing.
CAFARO: Why does that not surprise me?
GUTFELD: Yes. Firecrackers were great. Facebook question from Frenchie.
GUTFELD: What's the best bad decision you ever made. That's pretty interesting and complex at the same time. Dan, what was your best bad decision you ever made.
BONGINO: You know leaving the Secret Service. I loved it, its greatest job. Real Patriots over there. But everybody told me, are you nuts, you're going to leave to run in Maryland.
BONGINO: As a Republican, as a senator. Like this is the dumbest decision ever. I know I'm here with you.
BONGINO: What happens.
GUTFELD: No regrets. No regrets. Capri.
CAFARO: I missed Senate session. First year, I was in office to go to London for the Led Zeppelin reunion and I'm so damn glad I did it.
GUTFELD: Led Zeppelin reunion. Jesse.
WATTERS: I've got kicked out of an Allman Brothers concert one time and that was at intermission and that was a really good thing.
BONGINO: What did you do?
WATTERS: I couldn't have lasted that whole concert.
GUTFELD: That's directly linked.
WATTERS: Really, do me a favor.
GUTFELD: That's directly linked to the earlier question about what he did. You are such a pothead. WATTERS: No, I'm not. Never.
GUTFELD: OK. That's not true, I'm just joking. Dagen,
MCDOWELL: Getting married the first time.
MCDOWELL: Yes, 11 months, but I got married on Friday the 13th and I remember vividly watching the Texas Chainsaw Massacre on my wedding night.
CAFARO: Leather face.
GUTFELD: I don't know that would be a success. I loved that movie. The best bad decision. I moved to Allentown, Pennsylvania. People would think it's weird, but it was actually kind of fun.
WATTERS: Was that a bad decision for Allentown.
GUTFELD: Well, I was 25. You don't necessarily go to Allentown when you're 25 and single.
GUTFELD: And stay there for 10 years.
WATTERS: Were you single the whole time.
GUTFELD: Yes. All right. It's was a great place Allentown. I love the Lehigh Valley. Great question from Anne M. What sitcom world would you like to visit for a week. Dan?
BONGINO: Come on, this is a ground ball. Who doesn't want to hang out with Kramer and Jerry, I mean come on?
GUTFELD: They're miserable people. They're unlikable people.
BONGINO: I want to be the one the episode where George does everything backwards and remember he curses out the boss against it. I want to be in that specific episode. I want to be in that one. That was awesome.
WATTERS: I'd like to go to F.R.I.E.N.D.S.
GUTFELD: F.R.I.E.N.D.S., of course.
WATTERS: And kiss Rachel.
GUTFELD: Yes. Everybody yes. Dagen.
MCDOWELL: Three's Company. The Ropers, a blast.
GUTFELD: No. That's a great one.
CAFARO: Really good.
GUTFELD: Also, you have the Regal Beagle. A gray far, do you remember that, it was a velvet 70's.
CAFARO: Can I give you a real one here. Mama's Family.
CAFARO: I actually I just bought an off the shoulder jumpsuit that reminded me of like what is her name, Naomi, whatever her name was. So, Mama's Family.
WATTERS: Greg's not excited with the possibility of living with two women. He's excited about the bar. Regal Beagle.
BONGINO: Who was the friend, Larry.
GUTFELD: Larry. Yes, Larry is a bit weird. I would have gone with What's Happening. The episode when the Doobie Brothers visited and taught them about the dangers of bootlegging albums. One of the great--
GUTFELD: Hello Skunk Baxter if you're watching. All right, Barbara S. Oh! We've got to go. Oh! One More Thing is up next. Wow, I didn't hear you.
WATTERS: It's time now for One More Thing. Check out this runaway tire rolling down the highways in New Jersey. Look at it go.
WATTERS: There it goes. That's along route 440 minding its own business. And it just kind of crosses the median there. And there it goes, there goes a jeep. The off-duty officer who was driving the Jeep is fine now. Just a scratch. Everyone's quite all right.
CAFARO: How's the tire.
WATTERS: The tire. We're going to get back to you on that.
WATTERS: My sources haven't told me anything. Also, Watters World this week at 8 PM Eastern. It is Shark Week. Check out that graphic. What an unbelievable graphic. Hands up to the graphics department, they do a great job here at Fox News. Greg.
GUTFELD: More anti-shark propaganda.
WATTERS: Just wait and see, it's not what you think.
GUTFELD: OK. The Greg Gutfeld Show, I've got Pete Hegseth tomorrow night 10 PM. I've got Jonathan Morris fresh from the priesthood and Tyrus at Saturday July 27 10 PM, be there. All right let's do one of these. Animals Are Great. This isn't a rubber tire rolling down the road endangering lives and probably causing death. But it's close. Check out this golden retriever. Doesn't know what's going on. You know for all that golden retriever knows that thing could be alive. But no, it's just a wind-up frog who has it in their lives been shocked by a wind-up frog. Sometimes I wake up and it'll be one of my chests. How did it get there? Look at that. Just can't get enough for that wind-up frog.
WATTERS: I wonder what he'd do with the raw chicken.
GUTFELD: Oh, my God. You know what--
WATTERS: That's scary stuff.
GUTFELD: Are you saying you'd feed raw chicken to a dog, Jesse. You make me sick; you and the producers make me sick. Send your letters if you were offended by the raw chicken.
WATTERS: I think the producers on this show do a really good job. Dan?
BONGINO: I'll be on Tucker tonight, by the way for the news explosion, you can watch my head explode in that graphic. I love the graphics department back again. But I want to extend a big shout out to a good friend and old neighbor of mine, Steve Kaminskas (ph) and his family, it's Donna Riley and Laney (ph) just became U.S. citizen. Been in the country for wise Canadian. I used to bust his chops a little bit about getting his citizenship. He finally did it.
If you haven't been to a naturalization ceremony, by the way it is one of the greatest things you'll ever witness. Here's Steve with my other good friend Bryan, who is a state delegate in Maryland. We all lived in the same neighborhood.
And this last picture is me with a horrible tattoo and my beautiful wife and then my then five-year-old daughter Isabel, 10 years ago when my wife Paula there she didn't know I was going to do this got her citizenship just hours removed from her own ceremony. I'll tell you it'll bring tear to your eye watching all these great people from all over the world come here and pledge allegiance to our flag.
Thank you to all of you, Steve. Paula, my wife and everyone out there and came in the country legally. You're all great.
WATTERS: And God bless that tattoo on your arm.
BONGINO: It's horrible.
WATTERS: What was that?
BONGINO: It's a curse. I can't even tell you.
CAFARO: Did you get rid of it you sign it.
BONGINO: No, it's a cover tattoo. I had another bad tattoo, that's--
WATTERS: It looks like the vegan ice cream. All right, Dagen.
MCDOWELL: Go to Red Hill in Virginia. Patrick Henry's last time in a burial place for their naturalization ceremony every spring. I want to say that. And why is America great. We're the land of the free because we're the home of the brave. To Tommy Zurhellen, he's in the middle of a nearly 3000-mile walk across this country.
Tommy, a Navy vet himself is taking this journey to raise awareness on a national level about veteran homelessness and veterans' suicide. A coast to coast walk started in April, started in Portland. He plans to finish in New York next month. He walks 22 miles a day to represent the average number of veterans who take their own lives each day.
40,000 veterans sleep on our streets. They deserve that better, visit veteranzero.org.
WATTERS: He should finish up here at Fox News. That'll be a great finish line for him.
GUTFELD: He's not watching, he's walking Jesse.
WATTERS: OK. You can watch it on this a little phone.
GUTFELD: Now you want him to watch while he's walking. That's not safe.
WATTERS: He can do two things at once.
CAFARO: Well I try not to text and walk, but it's a tough habit to break. Well, some of you may know that I started my career actually working with older adults back in Ohio and so I was really excited when I saw this story about a group of senior citizens that actually go to a summer camp just for seniors. It is put on by a Catholic actually, a Jesuit organization called So Others Might Eat which is based in D.C. and nothing is more fun than bringing our senior citizens getting a little R&R. So, I thought it was a cute--
WATTERS: Too cute for Greg. He doesn't like cute stories; it makes him sick. Look at him. Breaking out of cold sweat. Have a nice weekend everybody.
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