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This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," November 16, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ALEX TREBEK, HOST, JEOPARDY: This lawyer's star rose while repping Stormy Daniels, but fell after he was accused of trying to extort millions from Nike in 2019.

His name quickly forgotten obviously, Michael Avenatti.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GREG GUTFELD, HOST: Alex Trebek with the win.

(Laughter)

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Oh, they had such ambition, such dreams.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The first hour for the most part, it will be entirely Adam Schiff.

The first hour, I'm told is designed to be a blockbuster.

CHRIS MATTHEWS, MSNBC HOST: These hearings today are going to be much more like the OJ trial, the great trial at the end of the 20th Century where people took sides very quickly.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Yes, just like the OJ trial. And I'm Marcia Clark. Sorry, Chris, I don't think you're going to get a thrill up your leg from this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

WILLIAM TAYLOR, STATE DEPARTMENT OFFICIAL: I worried about what I'd heard --

I heard a staff person --

I heard that soon thereafter --

After I heard of this conversation --

What I can do here for you today is tell you what I heard from people.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: That is -- that is what you call a herd of heards.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: If that was a blockbuster --

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Thanks. Oh, stop it. But if that's a blockbuster, Brian Stelter is a gymnast.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: And so we finished the first installment of what I like to call - -

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ANNOUNCER: Okay, it's time to go up Schiff's Creek.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Where a desperate dolt leads a party down a rabbit hole of emotional hilarity. Hey, did you hear an Ambassador got fired? Join the club lady. That's life. You got a hearing because you got fired. I got fired three times and all I got was drunk.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Sorry, the President sets policy, not you and how clueless you have to be, to be shocked by getting fired by a guy who hosted a show in which the catchphrase was, "You're fired."

(Laughter)

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Maybe. Maybe that's why she got fired. She never watched "The Apprentice."

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: But it doesn't matter why. Now, she claims she was intimidated and upset by Trump's words. Again, boohoo. That's Trump with just about everyone on earth. And the last time I checked, having an intimidating world leader is kind of a plus.

So these hearings, they are a joke. All feelings, no facts, but we saw it coming with Schiff in charge, it's like giving a backhoe to a drunk teenager and telling him to dig his own grave.

You end up with witnesses who witnessed nothing and hearsay based on hearsay based on hearsay. It wasn't a hearing it was a seance.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Right, Adam?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ANNOUNCER: And now, Adam Schiff gives himself a pep talk before the impeachment hearings.

TOM SHILLUE, FOX NATION HOST: Okay, Adam, you've got this. It's all yours no matter what anybody thinks. Get some light. Adam, if you do this right, I'll buy you an ice cream.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hey, Congressman, it's an important day for country. Don't forget your lunch.

SHILLUE: Did you remember my juice box?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Ran out this morning.

SHILLUE: Well, I always carry a spare.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That is so unnecessary.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: So for three years, the Dems have been searching for something to beat Trump without actually having to beat him. The magic bean is impeachment, a process looking for a crime. The crime - a phone call, in which one leader with piles of money asked another leader with piles of corruption to please investigate corruption before getting the money. The Dems now call it a bribe. But how so?

No one bribed Trump and all the President is doing is what Presidents do. He wants something from me, I need something from you. But the media monkeys cry, no, no, no, he is targeting Biden. Yes, the candidate who could be the next President. I mean, do you want a leader who is that compromised?

That's what made this mess backfire all over Hunter Biden. And who does he remind you of?

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Pretty close. Pretty, pretty close. Michael Scott -- both are bundling boobs with jobs, but unlike Scott, Hunter made at least fifty grand a month as a boob. No wonder the media is upset over the public reaction to their show trial.

They're like a director after their movie bombs blaming the audience because they are the director. So they take it personally blaming us for rejecting their nonsense. Right, Adam?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ANNOUNCER: And now, Adam Schiff tries to order a pizza.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hey, Donny's Pizza. What can I get you?

SHILLUE: Food please, right away.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Okay, what's your address?

SHILLUE: Why do you need that?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hey, pal, are you going to order something or what?

SHILLUE: How did you get this number?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You called me, chief.

SHILLUE: Prove it. All right, I'll have a large cheese.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Laughter)

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Okay. It used to be -- it used to be all about that media safe word, the one that's supposed to freeze us in our tracks, you remember.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ANNOUNCER: Quid pro quo. Quid pro quo. Quid pro quo.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Nice production values. But that's another way of saying life, leverage. We all use it. It's the engine of daily function and it's almost always unspoken.

Example, if I asked my assistant to fetch me a gram of goat tranquilizer, I don't have to say, fetch me a gram of goat tranquilizer, or else -- the or else is implied. By the paycheck, he would lose if he doesn't get me my damn tranquilizers.

A paycheck is leverage. Being a boss means it's constant like that weird voice in my head telling me that I need more goat tranquilizers.

As for doing his own foreign policy, well, Trump like everyone else kept hearing about these anonymous resistors deep inside the White House. They're like rats in the walls. So his administration is built on having to work around them.

So he had a phone call, not in secret and heard by many that it prompted its own boring mini-series. Did he break laws? Nope. Did he violate a norm? Probably. You should ask norm.

(Laughter)

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP "CHEERS".)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What's all the commotion about?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Who cares? Set them up --

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Trump's entire presidency is about violating norms. Just asked this fella.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TAYLOR: One regular and one highly irregular.

Irregular.

The irregular one.

Both the regular and the irregular.

Irregular.

Irregular.

Irregular efforts.

The regular and the irregular.

The irregular channel.

The irregular channel.

The irregular channel.

Again, that was a little irregular.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Somebody needs a Metamucil.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Or some Fibercon.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: That was roughage. Look, it's all about giving the finger to the lifers who find Trump and his ilk so unseemly. And that's what the impeachment is really about, having a mean boss who doesn't give a [bleep] about your feelings, right Mr. Schiff?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ANNOUNCER: And now, Adam Schiff watches a cat video for the first time.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh man, Adam, you've got to see this cat video.

SHILLUE: There's something wrong with this dog.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It's a cat. Adam, have you never seen a cat before?

SHILLUE: Cat? Is that Spanish word for dog?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Like the musical "Cats," everybody knows that one.

SHILLUE: Oh yes, I love that one, with all the singing dogs.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

ANNOUNCER: Period.

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. He is a man of steel who keeps it real. Retired U.S. Marine Corps bomb technician and Fox News contributor, Joey Jones.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Yes. Why the long face? Well, plus, he is a TV writer and producer, Rob Long.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: She is good with the word and demands to be heard. Host of "Sincerely, Kat" on Fox Nation, Kat Timpf.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: And the ocean is his bath tub, my massive psychic and host of "Nuff Said" on Fox Nation, Tyrus.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Joey, what were the hearings about this week? Because I don't have a clue.

JOHNNY "JOEY" JONES, CONTRIBUTOR: Yes, yes. What were they about? I think they were about if you have a Purple Heart you should set, you know, policy with Ukraine. So I'm open for a job, President Trump. Because that was -- that was what the Democrats were basically alluding to.

It was either if you have a Purple Heart from Vietnam 40 years ago, or if your Daddy's, Daddy's, Daddy's, Daddy's, Daddy all served in war, then you must be credible and you must know more than the President the people elected to set policy in Ukraine and that's really what this is about.

And it's not really about what happened, but why and who does or doesn't like it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

JONES: And so that being said, as the guy in the room with a Purple Heart, I'll say that three more times before the night is over.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NATION HOST: Got me there.

JONES: Respect -- respect the man for his service. Don't respect the man over the President's idea of policy. And so President Trump has the ability to set policy on this and even Ambassador Taylor, you could see, it never really dawned on him the quid pro quo. He didn't like the idea that Trump was about to rock his boat.

GUTFELD: Right. That's it.

JONES: That's what he didn't like.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. By the way, I don't have a Purple Heart but I haven't enlarged one.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: And in some ways, isn't that better, Joey?

JONES: I think it's just a normal size heart and then because it's --

GUTFELD: In my small body.

JONES: There we go.

(Laughter)

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: That was -- Rob, that was good comedy.

ROB LONG, TV PRODUCER/SCREENWRITER: Yes. It's pretty -- it's okay. I mean, I've got to say --

GUTFELD: Speaking of.

LONG: Yes, you had a "Cheers" clip in there.

GUTFELD: No, I did. You used to work at "Cheers" a long time ago.

LONG; You owe me eight and a half cents, I think for that.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. But you've got to admit --

LONG: I want it. I just want to get that going. I'm not --

GUTFELD: You have to admit, Adam Schiff is a godsend --

LONG: To Tom Shillue.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: Look, let me tell you something. Shillue is the part he was born to play. The hearings were not the People's Choice.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: It's a gigantic, gigantic mistake. We're watching them look for an answer and you never ever go to try for that unless you already have the answer. And it looks like they're wasting our time and that is something that people just don't forgive.

GUTFELD: Yes. All right, Kat.

TIMPF: It's the biggest waste of time ever because nobody's mind is changing.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: Democrats want Trump out. Republicans want Trump in. That was the case before this. Notice, it's still the case.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: And I think it's going to remain the case and lawmakers waste time all the time.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: This one pisses me off more though, because I'm expected to watch it.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

TIMPF: Very boring television.

GUTFELD: Yes. There's stuff bureaucrats do that are boring that we don't have to watch. But we are required to watch it.

TIMPF: But we have to watch this.

GUTFELD: Because it's our duty because it's a historical process. It's not historical. It's hysterical. Did you see how I changed the words? All right, Tyrus --

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Thank you very much.

JONES: Good job.

GUTFELD: Tyrus?

GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, CONTRIBUTOR: Greg, I'm going to be honest with you. You know, you gave me the week to come back with some discoveries from -- what's it called again? Impeachment thing?

TIMPF: "Forensic Files."

MURDOCH: I went to the Cayman Islands and I asked around, and everyone was like impeachment? And they thought I was asking for a drink. No one really cared. But, I think Joey had made the perfect point.

What this is really about and I think, Ambassador Taylor as he was testifying, so I watched three minutes of it. I gave myself three minutes. I came inside, little rain, had to get some more suntan on. I don't really need it, but I just want to do it, and I watched a few minutes of it and what it basically came down to was -- we've done things a certain way for a long time. And no one other President has ever bothered us.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: This guy is not using us. That's why everything he talked about, I heard from a guy, I heard from a guy.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Because he's not in the game. He's on the sideline, and he feels -- they all feel stepped on. Every one of them is like, well, we're the go-to guys for Ukraine. They're not using us. So obviously something must be wrong.

They don't like change. President sends policy that's a lot different than the way you're used to doing things. They have issues with it.

So the Democrats tried to jump on that. What is he doing wrong?

GUTFELD: Right.

MURDOCH: He's not talking to us. I mean, in my neighborhood, if you say I heard from I heard, I heard Joe's Mama told my mom and then my auntie told me that you said stuff about me, the guy would be like, what? Like, you just -- and we're impeaching over this.

Well, no, no, they are impeaching over this. This is just -- it's a really embarrassing time to be an American and I was, like said in a foreign country, but luckily I'm 6'8" and no one messed with me, but whenever you talk about America and they're like, what's going on over there? I'm like, you know --

GUTFELD: Yes, it's going to continue next week and I can hardly wait, right? I'm going to be drunk every day.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: All right. You may run to the fridge now. Back in 210 seconds.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: And now, “The Greg Gutfeld Show” presents, the 2020 CAN'T-idates.

GUTFELD: The list of candidates keeps growing and that list keeps on blowing. Ballotpedia -- a terrible name -- has counted 237 Democrats that have filed to run this year, and here they are.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: We're less than three months away from the primaries. This is the time when most of them should be leaving the race. But instead more people are coming in: Deval Patrick, maybe Mayor Bloomberg. And maybe you know who --

(BEGIN AUDIO CLIP)

HILLARY CLINTON, FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: I, as I say never, never, never say never and I will certainly tell you I'm under enormous pressure from many, many, many people to think about it, but as of this moment sitting here in this studio talking to you that is absolutely not in my plans.

(END AUDIO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Just like that rash in Summer Camp 1984.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: It kept coming back. You think it would be gone by now. Okay, fine. Let's assume there are many, many, many people who want her to jump back in or maybe just one guy named Manny.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Doesn't that mean the Dems aren't happy with this bunch? Isn't that why more people are jumping in than getting out? It sure looks like the party is in disarray, while the other side saying hurray.

Trump put out a new campaign ad this weekend, and it's ballsy as F.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TEXT: Only one man can stop this chaos.

DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT: Together, we will make America wealthy again. We will make America strong. We will make America proud again. And we will make America great again.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That's some serious Michael Bay action.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Wow. He doesn't seem to be sweating, impeachment or any of the candidates, but you know who is sweating today? My corgi. He loves fitness.

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]

GUTFELD: Hopeless flirt. It was sexy, Rob. Admit it.

LONG: I'm not saying it wasn't. I am not saying it wasn't.

GUTFELD: All right, Hillary, Hillary, Hillary, Hillary, Hillary.

LONG: First of all I have to say I just noticed, she doesn't not look like Tom Shillue a little bit. I mean, I'm just trying to --

GUTFELD: He could do Hillary.

LONG: He could do Hillary.

GUTFELD: We should move on to Hillary?

LONG: He is really good, yes.

GUTFELD: Okay, wig.

LONG: Look, two things. One is like the idea that she is hearing many, many, many voices telling -- I mean, that's scary. Like, someone should check on her like she is sitting there alone, what?

(Laughter)

LONG: You know. Like that movie "Sybil" where you have like multiple personalities and like she goes, I'm going to run for President. Who are you? Like that.

But the second thing is like, I actually -- the jokes aside -- I think there are people who want her. I mean, if you were -- if you're a Clinton backer for the past -- it's been a very expensive thing you bought.

GUTFELD: Right.

LONG: You know, you don't buy an expensive car and let it sit in the garage. You're like, it's like a box you know sponsors of boxers, you know.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: And they go like, yes, the guy can't go in the ring and can't go in the ring. He has been battered like he has got a concussion. I mean, he's got scrambled eggs up there, and the sponsors always say, put him in the ring.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: Yes, because I paid a lot for that.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

LONG: And so there are a lot of people who give them a lot of money, you're like, you know what? You're going to do one more time.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: And so she is right. I think she is right.

GUTFELD: Kat, you know, maybe the many, many, many voices are all the women in Bill Clinton's black book.

(Applause)

TIMPF: You know, so Hillary Clinton, she hates Trump, right? Which is why it's so interesting that I've noticed and I don't know if I'm the only person who has noticed this, why is she starting to try and talk exactly like -- like many, many people are telling you to run.

GUTFELD: That's true.

TIMPF: Many people are saying is how Trump starts off like 30 percent of his sentence.

GUTFELD: That's true.

TIMPF: Okay, and then like the savage attacks, like she went after Tulsi Gabbard. That was pretty savage.

GUTFELD: Yes, Yes.

TIMPF: The only problem is, only Trump can be Trump. So this thing she's doing, whether it's conscious or subconscious, because she's so obsessed with him that she's starting to emulate his behavior is that she's not very good at it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Like she attacked Tulsi Gabbard and Tulsi got way more popular. Like that's not how it's supposed to work and certainly -- it is certainly not how it worked for me when girls bullied me in high school, but I wish that it would have.

GUTFELD: Oh.

TIMPF: It's okay, I don't care anymore.

GUTFELD: She never brings it up every week.

TIMPF: It's okay, Erica.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Tyrus, shouldn't -- like you know when that product ad is like 50 percent more raisins, it's a good thing. Only if it's a good thing but like, you don't add like 70 percent more fish smell to a fish.

TIMPF: I've been doing something wrong.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: I know somewhere in there, you were trying to talk about the Democratic Party.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Okay. Again if I'm the head coach of the Democratic Party, I have to be drug tested a lot.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: Because a lot of nights just looking at the X's and O's going, what are we going to do here? The good news is for everybody who jumps in, the front runner will be excited to greet them and meet them because he doesn't know they haven't been in it.

So I mean, that's the good news about Biden. He doesn't know -- every time someone comes in, I'm so happy hear -- because he doesn't remember when they got in.

So I mean -- so I guess that's the good news, the front runner will welcome you with open arms.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Not knowing what you'll hear from --

GUTFELD: He thought you were always there.

MURDOCH: Yes.

GUTFELD: And by the way, I mean it, they've got to be pissed off because that's one less person that's going to vote for them when they enter the party. That's my theory, I think. Yes, Joey?

JONES: Yes. Yes. So listen, this is -- it's all about changing the narrative. The Democrats want Hillary Clinton to run because then it goes from man, these 30 people and nobody is good for President -- to, man, we've got 30 better people than Hillary Clinton this time, and the only way you can do that is if you put her up next to them.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true. That's true. I hope she -- I hope she runs, but then she can't run because if she is not the front runner, she has to compete and she doesn't want to compete like what if she enters and she is like number seven? That is humiliating. More humiliating than Monica Lewinsky.

JONES: Or number 30.

MURDOCH: Greg, it is already humiliating.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: The guy who is in first place doesn't know he is the race.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Good point. And on that point, more after this. Football -- we are going to talk about football.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

AISHAH HASNIE, CORRESPONDENT: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Aishah Hasnie. Five people are dead including three children from a shooting in a San Diego home. Authorities say the murder- suicide was sparked by a bitter divorce. The father is the suspected gunman. He was under a restraining order which went into effect on Friday. A three-year-old died at the scene, a five-year-old and a nine-year-old died at the hospital, and an 11-year-old survived.

Now to a landmark study on heart disease treatments, researchers found that bypass surgery and stents are not more effective than drug treatments and lifestyle changes in preventing heart attacks. The findings could alter treatments for millions. This is not the first study to suggest that surgery and stents are overused, but it is the largest with more than 5,000 participants from 37 countries.

I'm Aishah Hasnie, now back to Greg Gutfeld.

GUTFELD: Shall his career be dead for a smack to the head? The NFL -- whatever that is -- has indefinitely suspended the Cleveland Browns, Myles Garrett. It started with Steelers quarterback Mason Rudolph pulled on Garrett's helmet. Garrett retaliated, ripped off Rudolph's helmet and it hit him on the head with it.

The incident led to a fight on the field. Both teams are fined 250 grand. That's more than I make it a week.

In a statement Friday, Myles Garrett apologized to Rudolph and called his actions selfish and unacceptable. Still -- don't laugh at that, that was a mistake.

So maybe the NFL needs more peacemakers like my goose, Gary, he is always breaking up fights, goose.

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]

GUTFELD: I knew at some point I'd be able to use that footage.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Waited for hours for that to happen, Tyrus.

MURDOCH: You were on a farm for four hours?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Okay.

GUTFELD: Not by choice. Community Service, you know what I'm saying? All right. I keep hearing different stories that the quarterback started it by pulling on the --

MURDOCH: Well, he did, okay, a couple of things. First of all, that quarterback, he made a lot of bad choices that night. Four picks, on top of that, cost his team the game and then if you want to be -- he attempted to rip the helmet off the wrong guy.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: If you're going to rip the helmet off of somebody make sure you're bigger than them before you start a fire.

JONES: Yes, that's fair.

MURDOCH: So then Garrett showed him how to rip a helmet off somebody when he picked him up by his helmet and took it off his head. Then the quarterback continues, brilliant decision making while two of his teammates had him he then charged him with no helmet on which led to him getting hit on the head. So quarterback, you started it, try to finish it.

In football when you play -- when you lose the helmet it's time to put your hands up and walk away.

GUTFELD: Right, that's true.

MURDOCH: That's what most guys do.

TIMPF: What's picks? I'm sorry, what's picks?

MURDOCH: Oh, you've got to be [bleep] me.

(Laughter)

TIMPF: No idea. I couldn't even guess. I couldn't even guess.

MURDOCH: I don't have time. You're killing me. Anyway, the point is Garrett shouldn't hit him with the helmet. That was wrong.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: But -- and he got suspended and all that other stuff, but the quarterback did start it and the people that are acting like assault, it was retaliation. If you're in the street and two guys are on you and the guy who started runs it, and you hit him with something it's not assault, it's called retaliation.

TIMPF: So a pick is always bad?

MURDOCH: Yes. It's an interception. A quarterback throws the ball to his team, but then the middle person in the other jersey catches it without permission.

TIMPF: I know the word interception, I am from America. Okay.

LONG: You know what?

GUTFELD: What Rob?

LONG: Yes, I agree with Tyrus also. He does that thing, the QB -- the quarterback does the thing at the end when he realized he has lost and he is like looking around looking for the referee. What? Are you going to stop? You can see his hands up at the air. He is calling the teacher at recess after starting something.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: And the second thing is when the quarterback, when you do you finally see him with a helmet off. He looks like you know -- he look like he is the skinniest guy, the smallest guy in a bar fight like, like somehow a Broadway dancer found himself in the octagon.

(Laughter)

LONG: Like, oops, my little haircut is going to get all messed up.

GUTFELD: This story could turn out way differently, Joey, if like when he hit him, if something bad -- like it always tells you how lucky you are like --

JONES: Yes.

GUTFELD: Like he is lucky he didn't kill that guy. So now we can talk about it. But if he actually had bashed the guy's head in, it would be a different story.

JONES: Well, that's the thing. Number one is football, which means you don't know who started and when it started.

GUTFELD: Yes.

JONES: Because this could have started 60 minutes ago in the first quarter when they smacked each other. And that's the problem.

GUTFELD: Yes.

JONES: And then on top of that, there is -- some people in the inner web are saying that it looked like maybe Rudolph had his hands stuck in Garrett's face mask and so he was trying to push his hand out.

GUTFELD: Right.

JONES: That's a stretch, maybe, I don't know, I couldn't tell. But all of this goes back to one simple thing. These are grown men who are asked to be viciously violent and then asked to turn it off.

You have the NFL, which has a -- I mean, the only -- probably the only place with the worst reputation or image problem than Congress right now is the NFL. They don't know what they are from one day to the next.

If it's Colin Kaepernick or if it's things that happen off the field or if it is great things that happen on the field, it's completely everywhere.

And so they have to make an example out of Myles Garrett because they don't have a choice anymore. You've got Will Smith making movies about them, not telling us about brain injuries and this is what you're left with when something like this happens. Myles Garrett is both the villain and the victim.

GUTFELD: Here you go. You know, Kat, I left you for the end because this is your expertise.

(Laughter)

TIMPF: Huge sports gal.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: No, I'm not really that into the sports, but I do watch -- I like hockey. Like I even know what icing is, that's how big of a fan I am.

(Cheering and Applause)

TIMPF: Thank you. Thank you. I know -- just thinking about -- if fighting in hockey, you basically get like a little timeout.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: But what I've learned this week is that in the football, you get like a really long time out, like maybe a forever time out and you have to pay a lot of money. And then there's the rules for when you're not playing the sports. All of us, you go to jail.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: So like when I saw that, I'm like this looks like they're not getting arrested? You can get to whack someone, oh, I did it in sports though.

GUTFELD: That's not -- that's true, like if I did that on the street --

TIMPF: I whacked him with a helmet in the head. It was sports, Your Honor. That's a thing?

GUTFELD: But you can't press charges or then you're a rat.

LONG: Right.

GUTFELD: Up next, genderless drinks. Yes, just what we need right now.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: They're making a stink over drinks that are pink. A London restaurant -- they have them there -- is making gender-neutral versions of cocktails to remove the stereotypes that surround them, like that Cosmos are for women and old-fashions are for men. So the bar made all the drinks look like this.

Good job. Now both genders can agree to find a better bar.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: The place did it as a social experiment because of a survey showing a fifth of the people in the U.K. don't feel comfortable drinking cocktails because they believe they are for the opposite sex and 67 percent will avoid a drink if the glass is too feminine or masculine, the remaining 33 percent will drink anything you put in front of them because they're British.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: For more, let's check in with our alcohol corresponded, drunk praying mantis.

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]

GUTFELD: Amazing work there, praying mantis.

LONG: Is that Shillue?

GUTFELD: It was Shillue.

LONG: Great. You guys are doing it.

GUTFELD: All right, Kat, do drinks have genders? How do you deal with this?

TIMPF: Look. This is so annoying. Okay. So I also love that they think what they're doing here is like breaking stereotypes and they are super woke. They just removed the colors from the drinks. That's like being like I found a cure for acne. Just put a bag on your head.

(Laughter)

TIMPF: Like it's not solving the problem. It's actually anti-woke because they're not saying hey, order what you want stereotypes shouldn't matter. They're removing the colors, so it's actually anti-woke. They should be saying, hey, if you're so worried about the color of a drink that you won't order it, get over it that sad.

Like I don't know why we can't say get over it anymore. Like you can't say get over it, like I'm sorry I just -- anyone here have any you know, drink color related trauma that I just triggered?

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Like it's not that serious. Get over it.

GUTFELD: Yes, you know, Rob. This is another example that wherever the left goes, fun dies. There like the anti-fun fire hose.

LONG: Yes.

GUTFELD: Movies, books, sports, sex, gender. Now booze. It's like a toxic mold.

LONG: Yes, it's also like -- it's a -- look, a lot of these things is that, the quality is down. I mean, I don't know how you make a clear bourbon that you can't actually make a good clear bourbon. This is a way to sell you cheap stuff and say it's woke. It's really a way for them to increase their profit margin which like it happens a lot, like, this is actually organic which is because they didn't wash it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

(Laughter)

LONG: So this is like artisanal, which means we didn't test it and it's going to maybe kill you. That's what all this stuff is and so you go there, if you if you ordered like an expensive bourbon or whatever you want to have, a Manhattan or yes, I tend to drink a lot of bourbon. Like, I don't -- if it's clear, I'm like, I'm not paying for that.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: Like what is that? That's Zima. That's what Zima is.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Zima, one of the most underrated drinks of all time.

LONG: Yes. Zima was actually your stage name for a long time.

GUTFELD: Yes, it was. It was. When I danced downtown for drinks, Joey.

JONES: And not just drinks.

GUTFELD: Not just drinks.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: I needed a place to sleep.

MURDOCH: Okay, Joey, it's Joey's turn.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Yes, well, no, I might just thinking about it.

MURDOCH: Yes, stop, stop.

GUTFELD: Joey, this is kind of a hysteria driven by like anti-social activists who have no friends, and they can't do -- like they don't know how to deal with the opposite sex, so they assume that this is going to upset people.

JONES: Well, first of all, this does nothing for me. Good aesthetics, that's all.

GUTFELD: What was your tolerance for booze?

JONES: Listen, if you're a man and you're drinking a cocktail not named whiskey you're probably already too feminine to hang out with my friends anyway.

I'm just kidding. I drink whatever the hell I want. And as a sober guy, that's water and Coca-Cola. But with that being said, this is reverse misogyny because, no, if you're a woman and you drink whiskey, Toby Keith writes a song about you and you're the most popular girl at the country concert.

GUTFELD: That's true.

JONES: But if you're a man drinking a cosmopolitan, get out of the room.

GUTFELD: That is so true.

JONES: Like, you're so weak. And so this is just trying to level the playing field because the world is slanted towards women. They always have the upper hand on anything. They can play soccer or go dance. They can hunt or go ballet. They can drink cosmopolitans or they can drink whiskey.

And as a man, I'm refined to just you know, Jack Daniels or I'm weak.

GUTFELD: Yes, you know, he is so right. You know, as somebody --

TIMPF: Well, that's tough.

GUTFELD: No, it's true.

MURDOCH: It is the box we live in, it is tough, Katherine.

TIMPF: Yes, that's right.

GUTFELD: Tyrus, as somebody that enjoys a good banana Daiquiri, Tyrus, I'm tired of being marginalized.

JONES: That's it.

MURDOCH: It's not the drink, Greg.

TIMPF: I'm going to walk off this set. I am going to walk off.

MURDOCH: I think it's -- I mean, what do we do now? Do we just sit quietly when we look at our drink and wait for it to identify itself?

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: You know, like, I don't know whether to use two hands or ask permission before I pick it up.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: You know what I am saying, like --

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Yes, you could be accused because that drink might get drunk.

MURDOCH: Yes, you know. What are you doing? My Guinness hasn't declared yet, we have to wait.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: I just like -- this is where we're at, you know you, and it's funny because there is -- when you go through that, when you're figuring out when you were a young man becoming a man, we go through our stupid macho phase. We have to be tough and strong and smart.

You know, I'll only drink jack.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Oh, it's [bleep] horrible. And when your friends are out, I enjoy good pina colada margarita. I don't care.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: white Russian is of my favorite drinks.

GUTFELD: That is true.

MURDOCH: I like a whiskey sour and you know what, if I'm having a cosmopolitan, I wish someone would come get me about it because you know --

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: You know, because there's nothing worse than choking on cosmopolitan glass.

GUTFELD: Yes.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: So you know this is --

GUTFELD: I would love to see that.

MURDOCH: This is such a bad thing that we can't with like that's really what's going on. I'll have a cosmopolitan and the audience goes, ha-ha-ha, look at him. Everyone stop drinking. Like, come on, man. That's not the real world.

GUTFELD: Yes. All right. My favorite story, coming up next. I can't wait to talk.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Some lawyers fight for justice, some lawyers fight for the Constitution, and one of them fights for flavor. His name is Spencer Sheehan. He says he has filed 27 lawsuits this year against companies for labeling their food as vanilla, not vanilla flavored, as he argues is the more accurate description -- just vanilla and he is coming for it all: your yogurt, your ice cream, your cookies, your soy milk, your cream soda. They're all under Spencer Sheehan's scrutiny, 27 lawsuits over alleged fake -- oh that looks good -- fake vanilla.

Each suit by the way, 27 seeking $5 million each. By my math that's a billion dollars.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: In my entire life, I've never cared about anything the way Spency cares about vanilla. Such grit, such determination, and I'll tell you something else. I wouldn't want to be in fake chocolate shoes right now.

Speaking of chocolate, check out this chocolate fountain I made.

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]

GUTFELD: I'm pretty sure that wasn't chocolate.

(Laughter) LONG: I'm pretty sure it wasn't a fountain.

GUTFELD: I don't think it was a fountain either. I think it was, I think it was a disorder. Rob, okay, impressed by this guy? Someone has to take up this cause if you don't.

LONG: Yes, I don't have to. But you know, years ago "Cooks Illustrated" which was a cooking magazine, they did a taste test of all the nails like from Madagascar and Mexico and places like that, and the one that won all these like fancy food people who did a blind taste test, and the one that won was artificial vanilla.

And the article is great. The article actually said even though artificial vanilla won, we do not recommend that you use it.

GUTFELD: That is wrong.

LONG: Yes. So I don't know, this guy has got a point, but no one can tell.

GUTFELD: Tyrus? He's a hero. He's a hero.

MURDOCH: He is a hero.

GUTFELD: He is.

MURDOCH: He is a hero.

TIMPF: Purple Heart for this guy.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: No, no vanilla heart.

(Laughter)

LONG: Why not give one away?

MURDOCH: It sounds like the reason why they were using the fake vanilla was it was cheaper ...

GUTFELD: Right.

MURDOCH: ... than the actual vanilla, so they're trying to save a buck. Maybe take the lawsuit a little bit further. How about people stop eating crap that's bad for you. Like you're literally -- when you look at something and it says all this crap into it and don't eat it.

Like if you want actual vanilla, but something that says made with real vanilla and prove that it's real vanilla -- like this -- this dude as suing. He is staring with vanilla. He has got 31 more flavors to go. I mean $5 million?

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: That's a lot of money. How about just everyone gets their ice cream back free.

GUTFELD: There you go.

MURDOCH: Because I mean, it's literally -- this is going to waste so much time and energy.

GUTFELD: He is my hero, Kat. Because I have other lawsuits for example, dress shoe, shoe laces. Why are they always -- they have one job to stay tied? They never are. You know, when you put in your dress shoes, the shoe lace is always and the universal remote. I don't know how to turn on my TV anymore because one of them, there's like too -- there's an on and another thing and I turn it on and then it goes on and then it says it's not on --

TIMPF: The power button.

GUTFELD: Yes, the power button. There's two of them.

MURDOCH: Yes, one for the cable box and one for the TV, Greg.

GUTFELD: Yes, but the problem is you can never tell which one is on and off.

MURDOCH: So sue them for it.

GUTFELD: I am. You know, I'm going to sue all of you.

MURDOCH: So when he gets done with ice creams.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: It's remote control time.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

LONG: I agree with you that we have -- there are better people to sue. I want to sue the guy who invented the infrared thing and you're in the public restroom and you're trying to get the towel out.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: And you're doing this. That person I want. I want that person like executed on television.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Yes, I want -- you know what? And speaking of that, I want to see the guy with the water that only comes out when it feels like it. I'm like, yo --

LONG: Yes, right.

MURDOCH: I hate that.

LONG: I bet you, those two are the related guys.

MURDOCH: There's several times I'm like this thing is racist. It only comes out for the other guy, you know because you get so upset over it.

GUTFELD: Yes, Kat, is there anybody you want to sue?

TIMPF: Everyone here. No, look, I just don't understand why do you care if you're eating real or artificial vanilla? Okay, $5 million for each of these lawsuits. I'd understand that number if you found out that like the vanilla was be coming from like the body of his dead childhood dog or something. But since when does artificial equal bad?

GUTFELD: No.

TIMPF: I mean, fake hair, fake eyelashes -- fake -- I am covered in artificial and look at me, baby. I look great.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Joey?

JONES: Well, fake things are all right. I've got my leg.

(Cheering and Applause)

JONES: Listen.

TIMPF: I get it.

GUTFELD: It took you a while.

JONES: There was a moment once when Kat pulled her hair out and stumped all over it.

MURDOCH: Oh, I remember that.

TIMPF: Oh, I get the tape-ins now. They are semi-permanent.

JONES: But listen, coming from the Jeff Foxworthy side of Georgia as opposed to the Rhett Butler side of Georgia. You know, I now understand why those vanilla envelopes taste so bad. It was fake vanilla, you know. Somebody won't get that joke. That's a good joke.

LONG: That's a good -- it is a good joke.

MURDOCH: Someone in Georgia.

GUTFELD: I didn't get it, but I am going to laugh because you're a hero.

(Laughter)

LONG: See look, fake emotion. That really works.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Fake doesn't equal bad.

GUTFELD: Nothing about me is real. What?

MURDOCH: I think we're getting carried away with the word fake. We're going to hurt a lot of people's feelings like -- news. So artificial. Artificial.

GUTFELD: That's exactly right. I want real news, not fake news. All right, we've got to move on. Don't go anywhere. There's something else for you, next. I think.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: So I came up with a great theory a few weeks back. And the more I investigate, the more I know I'm right on this.

ANNOUNCER: Animals are jerks. Animals are jerks. Animals are jerks.

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]

ANNOUNCER: Animals are jerks. Animals are jerks. Animals are jerks. GUTFELD: You don't see that on "Special Report."

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: All right. Thanks to Joey Jones, Rob Long, Kat Timpf, Tyrus. Our studio audience. I'm Greg Gutfeld. I love you, America.

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