Have you ever seen someone do something so stupid, that you almost feel like screaming, "Hey, Gavone, stop doing that!"
Well, this being spring and all, and me feeling charitable, I thought I'd offer my tips for a variety of folks I think could use them about now.
So, in no special order, here they are:
To Michael Jackson: Next time you come to court, drop the Mary Poppins umbrella on a sunny day nonsense and get to the courtroom on time. I have a feeling the judge doesn't much care about your music anyway, but does care about something called a clock!
To all Earth Day enthusiasts: Please, get your message straight. I heard some of you saying this week the Earth's going to freeze over and someone else saying the glaciers are going to melt. Which is it? I don't care which you go with -- we freeze, or we fry -- but be consistent!
To Alan Greenspan: Quit being so damn vague. Just say you're going to raise rates. You all but did this week anyhow. Just quit the tealeaves and chicken entrails nonsense and blurt it out. Then, we could move on.
To the French: I read you're still ticked off about the Americanization of France. But Starbucks is huge with you guys. If you hate us so much, quit lopping up our lattes!
And to the United Nations: Just say, "we're hypocrites." You blasted this country about going into Iraq; but never said boo about how you were cozying up to Iraq. Does oil-for-food ring a bell? But I'll tell you what, we'll say that we goofed up on weapons, if you say that you goofed up on morals.
Let's just say that for any of these suggestions, I won't be holding my breath.
Better yet, I'm going to put Michael Jackson, all Earth Day lovers, Alan Greenspan, the French and the whole U.N. and let them fight it out over who does what I say first. Again, I won't be holding my breath.
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