This is a rush transcript from "The Five," September 3, 2018. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: Hello, everyone. I'm Dana Perino along with Kennedy, Juan Williams, Jesse Watters, and Greg Gutfeld. It's 5 o'clock in New York City, and this is "The Five."
Welcome to our Labor Day special. We have a fun show in store answering all of your fan mail questions from social media. So without further ado, let's get to it. We're going to start with some Labor-Day-themed questions. OK. Juan, I'm going to go to you first. What is the most fun thing you did this summer? The one thing?
JUAN WILLIAMS, CO-HOST: Well, there's no question, I mean, you guys all know it, I went to the all-star game. I've never been to the all-star game.
PERINO: That is true.
WILLIAMS: -- and I had a great time. And not only that, I got to share it with my son, Raffi, and my grandson, Eli. And, you know, for a kid, and I guess I'm a kid at heart.
PERINO: You are.
WILLIAMS: To be on the field with guys, you know, like Bud Black from the Rockies coming over to say he watches "The Five" -- I mean, that's unbelievable to me.
PERINO: Good answer, Juan. Good answer. All right, Kennedy.
LISA MONTGOMERY KENNEDY, GUEST CO-HOST: I thought it was going to be a bummer summer because I broke my foot in June. And I thought that's it. The summer is host. Every year, I take my girls to Indiana, it's where my family is from, for some lake living because anyone who spends time on a lake you know how special it is. It's very simple. Life slows down. It's the best. You're grilling, you're fishing, and you're boating. Although I had to sit in the boat watching my girls in their tube, and the smiles on their faces I will never forget. And it was so much fun.
PERINO: And you taught them about Garth Brooks, remember?
KENNEDY: And I embarrassed them with my singing.
WILLIAMS: You know what? You've got to tell the audience how you kicked me and that's how you broke your foot.
KENNEDY: Well, you were asking for it, Juan. Socialism is great. Individual is the worst.
WILLIAMS: Socialism, socialism.
KENNEDY: Exactly, Alexandria.
PERINO: Jesse, the number one thing you did this summer that was your most fun?
WATTERS: I cracked open "The Gutfeld Monologues," and boy, is that book good. It's a new book out by Greg. I'm not sure anybody has heard of it. I took my girls to Maine and we went crabbing. And they're hooked on crabbing. We caught a ton of crabs, and it was fun to watching them catch a bunch of crabs and then had a crab race at the end.
PERINO: Oh, that's awesome. And then, did you cook them?
WATTERS: No, we ate lobster later.
WILLIAMS: But I've got to tell you, so I took my little guy when he was a kid, he's now a thirty-something-year-old guy.
WILLIAMS: Right -- no -- yes, they both are. And you take a chicken neck, you know.
WILLIAMS: . and put it on a piece of string, and the little kid drops it in, and then the crabs come.
WILLIAMS: . oh, my god.
WATTERS: It is great bait.
WILLIAMS: Chicken is fine.
WATTERS: Ends up pogey. Pogey is great, though.
PERINO: All right, Greg, you're going to have a good answer for this. Your most fun thing you did this summer?
GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: Well, like Kennedy and Jesse, I also took my girls to Hawaii. Girls who I would call my areolas. So I went to Hawaii. I'd never been to Hawaii. And my wife and I, we went to two islands there, Maui and Kauai. And we met a lot of wonderful fans. There's a lot of fans there. They watch the show much earlier. And we did a lot of day drinking. The best thing you can do in summer is day drinking.
WATTERS: When is "The Five" on in Hawaii?
GUTFELD: Is it like 8 o'clock?
PERINO: No, eleven.
KENNEDY: It's not eleven.
GUTFELD: The think about day drinking is when it turns into night drinking and then time just freezes.
WATTERS: It's the only way to do it.
GUTFELD: Summer is for leaving work early with friends or co-workers and going to a place and sitting outside, and then by the time it gets dark, you've got this mammoth buzz and you come home and you order the most disgusting thing online and it's not food.
PERINO: The story I liked from your trip to Hawaii was when your wife was watching the World Cup.
GUTFELD: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She pulled a Dana. She was watching the World Cup because Russia was playing in the hotel lobby, and Alayna swore in Russian.
PERINO: In fact, Russia wasn't doing very well.
GUTFELD: Swearwords in Russian are like -- they start at our very worst. They're like -- think of our worst swearword, that's where the Russians start with their easy ones. And she just went (INAUDIBLE). And -- which I don't even know what I said there. And she didn't realize they were Russian families there watching the same thing. And the kid -- everybody just froze and looked at her.
PERINO: It's a great story. All right. Another question. Jesse, I'll start with you. What was on your summer to-do list that is still not completed?
WATTERS: I have not finished the book that I've said I was going to start. You assigned me a book.
PERINO: I did?
WATTERS: You know, summer reading is almost over. Is there going to be a quiz in September?
PERINO: I can't remember the book.
WATTERS: OK. Well, you said finish the book and give a full report. Am I not going to be a member of your book club now?
PERINO: You can absolutely be a member.
WATTERS: You'll just kick me out in the book club before I got in?
PERINO: I will never kick anyone out of a book club because there's always tomorrow.
WATTERS: All right.
PERINO: Kennedy, did you have something on your to-do list that you need to -- have to do?
KENNEDY: That's a fine question. I always feel like there's looming stuff in the closet that needs to be organized but it's so daunting, because when you live in New York City you can't have a lot of stuff, right? So anything you have, you jam into a closet. And so the thought of pulling that stuff out and making something of it is so overwhelming that I've been meaning to do that for about three years.
WATTERS: Dana has very vast walk-in closets all over her apartment. She doesn't have to worry about that.
GUTFELD: Jesse, for her, every closet is a walk-in closet.
WATTERS: That's true. Good one, Greg.
PERINO: I can fit a lot of clothes in there. They're not very big. Juan, do you have anything in your to-list you haven't done?
WILLIAMS: I wanted to go overseas. I haven't taken a trip overseas this year, and I wanted to go to Italy in specific. I've never been to Italy. And my wife said no.
PERINO: All right.
WATTERS: You better be careful. Trump might not let you back in the country.
WILLIAMS: Well, that's a good point. But.
WATTERS: Extreme vetting.
WILLIAMS: In fact, I think she's got some of Greg's problem here because she tells me she's just sick of airplanes, sick of airports security.
PERINO: Well, she's got a point.
KENNEDY: Fly private, Juan.
WILLIAMS: I should get -- get the Kennedy Express?
KENNEDY: I'll gas up the jet for you.
WILLIAMS: Thank you, babe. All right.
PERINO: Greg, do you have a list of things to do in the summer?
GUTFELD: Well, I still haven't cleaned the van after that accident.
GUTFELD: I haven't retrieved Jake from the woods. Tied up. Anyway, there's a noise above my apartment that has been going on for a while. It's large. It's like a buzzing noise made by the engine for the water tower. You know in New York, you have water towers. And there's some kind of electrical thing that powers the water and it just keeps buzzing. And I've been trying to find out what it is. And not being an expert with electricity, I have been like sneaking around at night.
WATTERS: I think you're just buzzed from the day drinking.
GUTFELD: Yes. And there is the ghosts.
PERINO: I have to say, I believe I have completed everything on my to-do list.
GUTFELD: Of course.
WATTERS: Of course.
GUTFELD: Wait, you haven't created your new to-do list. That's the only thing you haven't done.
PERINO: It's true.
PERINO: And I go back and forth between a written to-do list and one on the phone in putting your notes, but there's no satisfaction in deleting. You've got to cross things off.
GUTFELD: Once you get to be my age, to-do list becomes a cuckoo list.
PERINO: OK, we'll be right back.
PERINO: We have more. We have more because I really like this question. Jesse, your mom is going to want to know you answer to this. What is your favorite back-to-school memory?
WATTERS: My parents wouldn't buy me the sneakers I wanted. I wanted Air Jordans. They were too pricey. So I got Keds or something, and I looked like an idiot.
GUTFELD: Keds are great.
WATTERS: No, they're not cool. They have Velcro.
(CROSSTALK) PERINO: That's your favorite memory?
WATTERS: No, no, no, that's just -- oh, that was a favorite?
PERINO: Yeah. Now we know it really bugs you.
WILLIAMS: By the way, you should know that your cutting edge, the kids shoes now -- they all have Velcro.
WATTERS: They do?
WATTERS: I was ahead of the times.
PERINO: I would have been embarrassed if I had Velcro shoes.
GUTFELD: No, but -- I don't want to upset the shoelace lobby but shoelaces are -- totally underperform. When you buy dress shoes, shoelaces become untied, and you only have one job, shoelaces. And if you can't hold your shoe together, what good are you? Everything should be Velcro, everything.
KENNEDY: Especially when you're flying. If you have to do the TSA pre-check.
PERINO: Never wear tight shoes -- never wear tall boots when you're going through.
GUTFELD: I have a Velcro jumpsuits. I just go like this.
GUTFELD: Just flip it off like that. Tears it off.
PERINO: I know, Kennedy, you'll answer this question appropriately. What is your favorite back-to-school memory?
KENNEDY: A few times starting school, the first day of school was my birthday, and that was the very best going to school. Especially when you're a younger kid, walking around going it's my birthday. And one year, I had a birthday party and all of my friends got to walk from school with presents.
PERINO: That's very cool.
KENNEDY: It's awesome.
PERINO: I like it. Do you actually have a favorite back-to-school memory?
GUTFELD: I always look forward to school because the best thing about going back to school was buying the supplies, going to the drugstore, the aisle, and just piling crap into it. And we also went to the liquor store because.
GUTFELD: No, no, no, this is true. Cigar boxes, you got the cigar box as a pencil box. So I just get the -- and then I would sell them at school.
WATTERS: You were probably just happy summer school was over.
GUTFELD: Yeah, exactly.
WATTERS: By the time.
GUTFELD: I hate -- summer school was the worst. They have the worst bullies.
PERINO: You guys remember when -- I love back-to-school shopping, that's my favorite memory. When the Trapper Keeper came out? Oh, yeah.
WATTERS: That had Velcro.
PERINO: Way to bring it full circle. Juan, do you have a favorite back- to-school memory?
WILLIAMS: Well, I think shopping is pretty good. But you know what part of it is, like your mom would take you for a new shirt. New shirt or new sneakers, right? And to me, lunch boxes.
GUTFELD: Oh, yeah.
WILLIAMS: You know, I'm so old, I used to have lunch boxes that were made of tin.
PERINO: Me too.
KENNEDY: I still have my "Star Wars" lunch box.
WILLIAMS: Ah, OK.
PERINO: I have a question, you had "Star Wars." What was on yours?
WILLIAMS: I don't remember.
PERINO: Maybe some stickers or.
WILLIAMS: Dick Tracy? I don't know.
PERINO: And did you have a lunch box?
WATTERS: Yeah, Transformers.
GUTFELD: Me, Stormy Daniels.
GUTFELD: Anyway, I didn't have a lunch box. I have the paper bag that always have the stain on it. And then you try to trade the food for better food.
PERINO: I have a Holly Hobbie.
GUTFELD: Of course, you did.
PERINO: . lunch box. And then, not to long ago, I was in a store that had antiques and there was a Holly Hobbie lunch box.
GUTFELD: Oh, did you feel.
PERINO: Yeah, a little -- bit a little old.
WILLIAMS: But you don't have it anymore.
PERINO: I don't think so. I don't think so.
GUTFELD: I had the Six Million Dollar Man. I had a Six Million Dollar Man. I'm trying to -- that's why I said Stormy Daniels.
PERINO: Did it have the thermos inside?
GUTFELD: He was amazing. That was a great show.
KENNEDY: And great defense attorney.
WATTERS: No idea what you guys are talking about.
GUTFELD: Six Million Dollar Man. You're the fall guy. You're Everly Majors?
WILLIAMS: Lee who?
GUTFELD: He watches the show.
WILLIAMS: He does. He's been in here.
(LAUGHTER) PERINO: OK. Holly Hobbie wins. OK. Don't go anywhere. We have a lot more of "The Five" fan mail special for you. Up next, we'll reveal the last thing each of us searched for on our phones.
GUTFELD: Welcome back to a special edition of "The Five". We're answering your fan mail questions on this Labor Day. Let's get started. From Bradley Stein, asked, what was the last thing you searched for on your phone? Kennedy.
KENNEDY: I searched for things to do in Memphis for kids.
GUTFELD: Oh, interesting. That's weird because you're not even going there.
KENNEDY: Everybody says the.
WILLIAMS: The ducks
PERINO: The ducks. But also you've got to go to Elvis.
KENNEDY: Oh, yes, in sun studios. So great plans on sun studio.
GUTFELD: I think you should go to Disneyland.
KENNEDY: Oddly enough, not in Memphis.
GUTFELD: Oh, no, no, no. It's in Memphis. I'll bet you $1,000.
KENNEDY: I think it's Anaheim?
GUTFELD: Anaheim? No, not today. Juan, what is the last thing you searched on your phone?
WILLIAMS: I was so curious about this transgender candidate for governor in Vermont. What interested me was this person had been the head of the Vermont electric company, and I had no idea. So, I thought, at first, it was just like -- first, you know, oh, a transgender person. But, no, actually, this person is well known in the state, had a position of great responsibility.
PERINO: Won handily.
GUTFELD: Interesting. Dana, since you're talking already.
PERINO: OK. I, actually, was trying to explain to people about the new technology at the Amazon shop without the checkout.
PERINO: Have you heard about that?
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
PERINO: So, I'm looking forward to the day that this is more widespread, so I was trying to explain to somebody how it worked.
GUTFELD: Interesting. Jesse, Bradley Stein asks what was the last thing you searched on your phone?
WATTERS: Well, I have my phone right here. And I googled list of people Trump called dogs.
WATTERS: I misspelled list.
GUTFELD: I, actually -- the last thing I searched for, I google image Bradley Stein. Sorry about that, Bradley. Anyway, this is from Frenchy world. I don't think that's a real name.
WATTERS: She's always asking questions. I remember that name.
GUTFELD: OK. I'll go to you first, Jesse. What would be some of the most annoying things about yourself as a roommate, as a roommate?
WATTERS: I'm the perfect roommate. I clean up after myself. I am tidy. And I don't play a lot of loud polka music. I think I'm a great roommate. I don't think I'm annoying at all.
GUTFELD: No. Generally the most annoying person doesn't.
WATTERS: I'm so self-aware. Dana?
PERINO: I have this problem with noises. Every noise bothers me. I think that I would -- that would be -- I would have.
GUTFELD: Yeah. Oh, man, you'll be -- I don't like noise either, but I'm not, you know, weird about it.
WATTERS: No, you just hear buzzing all over.
GUTFELD: Yes. Juan?
WILLIAMS: Well, I've had a roommate for 40 years, a wife. And she tells me I like it too warm. She likes to open the windows in the winter when we're -- I say it's freezing in here. No, no, it's not. I'm too hot. And then the second thing would be that I'm a light sleeper. So like, Dana, you know, I'll say, hey, I wasn't doing anything but I notice my ears pick up -- I hear trains.
GUTFELD: Yeah. That's pretty interesting. Kennedy, what do you hear?
KENNEDY: Making -- what do I here?
GUTFELD: I don't know what you hear.
KENNEDY: I like cooking and I love bacon.
KENNEDY: I love any recipe that requires bacon. And so there's -- if you are a vegan, I'd be a horrible roommate because I'm experimenting right now with perfecting maple fudge with bacon. Maple bacon fudge it is fantastic. It is going to be.
KENNEDY: So when we go into pumpkin spice territory, this will be the thing.
WILLIAMS: Wait a minute. I thought they were talking about like a college dorm room. You cooked in the dorm room?
KENNEDY: I didn't go to college until I was 30.
KENNEDY: So, oddly enough. GUTFELD: You would have been a great roommate in college if you're 30.
KENNEDY: I tried to pledge a sorority when I was seven months pregnant just as a joke.
(LAUGHTER) WILLIAMS: Then what happened?
KENNEDY: They accepted me.
KENNEDY: Birth the trial.
GUTFELD: A bizarre initiation ceremony. Oh, my goodness. I have night terrors, so that always makes roommates fun. If you're stuck -- we've done this question. But anyway, we'll do it again. Two toweress, that's the person's name, if you're stuck on an elevator, who would you want to be stuck with? Juan.
WILLIAMS: Well, I guess, you know, my wife is my best friend. So I would guess that she could sit on me because I would freak out.
GUTFELD: Yeah, you're claustrophobic.
WILLIAMS: I am.
GUTFELD: Much like myself.
WILLIAMS: I don't dig it. Don't do it.
GUTFELD: I guess I should have made it specific and said person. But you'll still say.
GUTFELD: . Jasper, right. Or a human being dressed as Jasper.
KENNEDY: I would be with Dana because she probably has like Wyoming survival gear. And there wouldn't be idle chitchat.
GUTFELD: There you go.
PERINO: We're not talking.
WILLIAMS: You wouldn't talk?
PERINO: Well, I mean, maybe a little bit. It's not like -- and there's this one time where there's these three guys.
WILLIAMS: But you've got to pass the time. You want to calm down.
KENNEDY: Well, maybe we'll talk about stuff.
PERINO: Kennedy and I would be fine.
GUTFELD: Jesse, answer the way a man would answer it.
WATTERS: No, I'm too smart for that. I'm going to go with Hannity.
WATTERS: Breaking news monologues the whole time and stuff. Time would fly.
WILLIAMS: Well, that's like one of these Fox elevators where they have a TV on.
GUTFELD: TV on, yes.
WILLIAMS: . in the elevator, and you'll have Hannity right there.
WATTERS: I love getting stuck in those.
GUTFELD: If I was stuck in an elevator, I would like to be stuck with an elevator repair man. I'm not that dumb. Facebook question from Luciana, what would a reality show about your life be called? Dana?
PERINO: Short stories.
GUTFELD: Oh, very good.
WILLIAMS: My favorite cigar.
GUTFELD: Oh, is that what you'd call it?
WILLIAMS: No, that's what it's called.
GUTFELD: What would you call yours, Juan?
WILLIAMS: Jumping the shark.
WILLIAMS: People wouldn't believe it.
KENNEDY: A profile encourage.
GUTFELD: Nice. Nice. How about you, Jesse?
WATTERS: I was actually cast on a reality show for a while until my dad pulled the plug on it because he didn't want people filming at the house. So.
WATTERS: Yeah. I don't want to mention the name of the show. But, yeah.
PERINO: Are you -- you won't tell us?
WATTERS: No, I'm not telling you.
GUTFELD: It was -- Jersey Shore, wasn't it?
WATTERS: No, I don't live in Jersey.
KENNEDY: Was it Beauty and the Geek?
GUTFELD: Was it.
GUTFELD: . Real World?
WATTERS: Even if you get it I'm not going to say.
PERINO: Big Brother.
GUTFELD: Average Joe. It's Average Joe, wasn't it?
WATTERS: What's Average Joe?
GUTFELD: That's where they had like a plain dude compete for the affections of like 20 women.
WATTERS: Do I seem like a plain dude?
GUTFELD: I just want to put that out there to see your respond.
KENNEDY: No, not since the surgery.
PERINO: And the haircut.
WATTERS: That's right.
GUTFELD: I would call mine growing pains.
GUTFELD: I don't care if it's been used. Show me that smile.
PERINO: But you could spell it P-A-N-G-S.
GUTFELD: No, nice, growing pangs. Interesting. All right, that's the end of this segment. We cover a lot of stories on "The Five", but up next we'll tell you which topics set each of us over the edge. "The Five" Labor Day special continues, next.
LELAND VITTERT, FOX NEWS CORRESPONDENT: Live from America's news headquarters, I'm Leland Vittert. Tropical storm Gordon churning through the gulf coast and threatening millions of people in the southeastern part of the country. Here's the track. Gordon made landfall near the southern tip of Florida this morning. Forecasters say the tropical storm is moving quickly and could become a hurricane before making its second landfall near the Louisiana-Mississippi border sometime tomorrow. Supreme Court nominee, Brett Kavanaugh, gearing up for marathon confirmation hearing on Capitol Hill starting tomorrow. President Trump picked the conservative to replace retired Justice Anthony Kennedy who was the court's longtime swing vote on key social issues. Judge Kavanaugh could reshape the high court in America for decades if the senate confirms him. I'm Leland Vittert in New York, Special Report at the top of the hour. Now back to "The Five".
WILLIAMS: Welcome back from the barbeque. We're here at "The Five" and we have a lot of great fan mail questions for you on this Labor Day. So let's begin with these one. Are there topics on "The Five" that make you wish the set had an open bar? Now who else can I start with but Greg?
GUTFELD: This is a good question. I -- how about this? It's a topic that never gets solved. So we will talk about race until the end of time, and it's because -- it's the two different movies thing. It's like people see it differently -- like the national anthem, when you get into it you just know it's never going to end, is it? So you just keep going through it, going through it, and then it's just -- like you want to just drink.
WILLIAMS: What is yours, margaritas, redline?
(LAUGHTER) PERINO: The one that drove me crazy for a long time -- this is going back a few years ago with the Jodi Arias case. It was a trial that was taking place in Arizona. She was accused of murdering her boyfriend. And we did this story every day for months. I had nothing to say and I would throw a fit every time.
PERINO: So, that one. I felt strongly about that. Also the story about the deep state, I can't take it.
WILLIAMS: You can't take it?
WILLIAMS: You're not queuing on?
WILLIAMS: No, OK. Jesse?
WATTERS: I like the deep state stories, Dana. So I'll pick up the slack on that on the table. No, guns because, Juan, you can't change your mind on guns. We've probably tried to sell it to you dozens of different ways and dozens of different scenarios from Parkland to any -- you never get it and you never will. It makes me want to have a shot of alcohol.
WILLIAMS: Because I don't want you to shoot me.
WILLIAMS: Thank you. Kennedy?
KENNEDY: I would like an open bar and I would like you to be the first up there so you can talk about, without talking points and without fear of retribution, why Hillary really lost.
WILLIAMS: Oh, that would be.
KENNEDY: It's one of those things -- you know, people really bolster themselves when they talk about 2016 because for some people is very traumatic.
KENNEDY: . and for others it's quite confusing. But if you have a little bit of the devil's bathwater acting as a social lubricant, I think it's a very nice way to talk about the election.
WILLIAMS: I think I would take the beer bottle and go bang. But you could have truth serum. You know, instead of like -- you have women have to worry about people putting things in their -- I would worry that -- Kennedy, you'll put truth serum in there, and then I have to say -
WATTERS: Yes, turns out you really like Trump.
WILLIAMS: I know. It turns out I'm really mad at Hillary.
By the way, I think you're right. I think for me, like, when I hear guys say, "Oh, yes, Trump is a great guy with black folks, because he lowered the unemployment," I think oh, my God. What is wrong? How can you -- anyway, that would make me want to go have a drink.
All right. Let's move on. Here's another question. This one's an Instagram question from @BHorton06: "What is the most dangerous thing you've ever done in your life?" I go to the woman with the broken foot.
KENNEDY: The most dangerous thing, I went on a walking safari. I was at a wedding in Zimbabwe. And this is back when those seemed like a really great idea, and we got sandwiched in between two rogue male elephants, one of whom started to charge. And it was interesting, because our guide told us all to stay there. And all the women stayed, and all the guys peeled off and ran and did the exacting they weren't supposed to.
And the guide took the safety off of his rifle and, you know, was really close to dropping this incredible beast. Luckily, it walked away. He had no idea the other elephant had come up behind us.
KENNEDY: But it would have been very, very easy for all of us to perish. And sadly, that guide -- his name was Quinn -- he was killed by a lion last year in Zimbabwe.
WILLIAMS: How do you know?
KENNEDY: Because I read the account, and I got a pit in my stomach; and I worried it was him, and I looked at it. And it, in fact, was him.
WILLIAMS: Wow, what a story.
WATTERS: I think doing live TV five nights a week is pretty dangerous when you think about it. Anybody right here could commit career suicide with a little slip of the tongue. We've all been close. But it's a live wire act every single day.
PERINO: It is true, with no net.
WATTERS: No net.
WILLIAMS: No net, but you're still standing, brother.
WATTERS: So far, so good.
WILLIAMS: All right.
WATTERS: This is Labor Day, right?
WILLIAMS: Yes. Dana.
PERINO: I'm a pretty cautious person. So that doesn't make me very exciting, I suppose. I did, though, in college -- sorry, Mom.
WATTERS: This is going to be good.
PERINO: My friend and I -- I don't even remember who these boys were -- agreed to go with these two guys. They were going to El Paso. And is that Juarez, on the other side of El Paso?
WATTERS: Wait, you crossed the border?
PERINO: Yes, for a night out in Mexico. But --
PERINO: -- the thing is --
WATTERS: With random dudes?
PERINO: Yes, who flew us in a plane.
PERINO: I've confessed before.
GUTFELD: Was one of them Troy?
PERINO: No, it wasn't Troy, who's now a chiropractor. No, I don't really know who these guys were.
GUTFELD: You've been Googling Troy, haven't you? You found out he's a chiropractor in Juarez.
PERINO: If you could actually put me under truth serum, I could not tell you the guys were. I could not even tell you who the girl was.
PERINO: And we went down there and came back. And I didn't tell anybody where was going, and just I got on this plane, a 4-seater plane.
WATTERS: Wait, you flew --
WATTERS: -- to Mexico --
WATTERS: -- oh, my God, with random guys?
KENNEDY: Was the plane heavier when you guys came back?
PERINO: Probably. I'm so clueless. How would I know?
KENNEDY: The guys are right away, "Hey, Dana, wasn't that great?"
WILLIAMS: And they said to the customs people, "That's Dana Perino. Let us in here."
GUTFELD: They're really thick belts.
PERINO: How reckless that was. That was very, very stupid. I do not recommend it.
WILLIAMS: Well, it's different times. Different times. Greg.
GUTFELD: Oh, jeez. Ibiza (ph), 2004.
WATTERS: Love this story.
GUTFELD: My 40th birthday, I could swear I had been dancing for, like, three days straight, but I'd actually just been sitting for about four hours.
GUTFELD: Let's just leave it at that.
GUTFELD: I fell asleep. That's all.
WILLIAMS: But you were intoxicated?
GUTFELD: No. With the joy of a birthday.
KENNEDY: With the sun.
WILLIAMS: That's what I meant, Kennedy. That's exactly what I'm saying.
You know what the most dangerous thing is? Flying around on a campaign with small planes and old planes, prop planes.
PERINO: But those planes don't crash.
GUTFELD: Are you kidding? They do crash.
PERINO: Air travel is actually not --
GUTFELD: People love these small planes, but those are the ones you hear about.
WILLIAMS: And a lot of them, you know, with low-ranking candidates, they have charter flights that are flown by people you never heard of who don't really know how to -- I'm telling you. When I look back and I think, "You shouldn't have been doing that."
Don't go anywhere, folks. Because guess what? This Labor Day we have a lot more questions to answer, fun questions, revealing questions, including what's the best advice for students starting college this fall? The answers when ""The Five"" fan mail special continues.
WATTERS: Welcome back to The Five's Labor Day fan mail special. Let's answer some more of your questions.
First up, from @Changuili, not kidding, "What's your advice for students starting college this fall?" Let's go to the 30-year-old college student, Kennedy.
KENNEDY: Well, obviously, get knocked up and pledge a sorority. That's not true. I don't mean that. It's a callback from earlier in the show.
Definitely get inoculated for meningitis and always take notes in different colors. Your -- your notes are the key to success in college.
WATTERS: I agree.
KENNEDY: And that's where you put the most work in, because that's where you go back, you study for quizzes. It's the basis for your papers. Great notes make for a great college experience.
WATTERS: You have to attend class in order to take notes, too.
PERINO: But nobody writes -- but they all take notes by typing.
KENNEDY: I understand, but you're using a different modality if you actually use --
WATTERS: Two modalities, Dana, two modalities. Got it?
WILLIAMS: Don't worry, be happy. Because I think back to that period.
KENNEDY: All right, Bobby.
WILLIAMS: I was, like, 18 years old. And I was so anxious and nervous and how am I going to do. You know, you can have a great time. And I think, in fact, you should be talking about taking opportunities, take a rest to meet people, to take courses you don't worry about.
Nowadays everyone is, like, "Oh, what job are you preparing for?" Forget that stuff; go out there and learn. You know, just pick up things that, you know, you wouldn't have been able to do before, or that you weren't doing at home. Meet people that would scare you otherwise. Just go have fun.
WATTERS: Yes, meet people like Greg.
Greg, what do you think?
GUTFELD: Well, what's changed for people going to school than when I went is social media and smartphones. So if you don't want to ruin your life, don't be a fool in public. This is -- this might ruin your whole experience, but everybody has got one of these. And you're going to do something stupid when you are drunk or you're high, and it's going to be everywhere.
If you're going to go to a small party, if you have a part in your apartment, make everybody put their phones in a bag. And you put that bag somewhere else. In fact, you should do that. Any party at all should have a phone bag, and you put everything in there, because that's going to save your life later.
WATTERS: That's right, because it's going to be my "One More Thing" if it's really ridiculous.
GUTFELD: By the way, that's a great -- I should go to "Shark Tank" with the phone bag.
PERINO: Phone bag.
WATTERS: Phone bag?
PERINO: There you go.
WATTERS: Don't steal that.
All right, what do you think?
PERINO: I think it's go to class.
PERINO: Because if you actually go --
WATTERS: Showing up is, what, they say 99 percent?
PERINO: If you actually go and you -- and just listen. Listen to the lecture and be there. Later, play back the lecture and take notes from there. And I think that, if you are actually showing up to class, you don't have to study as hard at the end.
WATTERS: That's right.
I would say get a little cigar box. Put your pencils in there. You're going to be all set.
All right. Next question, this is a Twitter question -- or an Instagram question from @BlueToedMom. Yes, @BlueToedMom. "What is your biggest fashion pet peeve?" Juan.
WILLIAMS: Well, this summer, there's no competition. But can I saw this on TV? That's the question.
GUTFELD: All right.
PERINO: Well, censor yourself. Probably not.
WILLIAMS: I'll just try to say that women who wear shorts that are indecent around. I just -- I'm like, what is going on?
WATTERS: That's your pet peeve?
WILLIAMS: Well, I just think -- you asked about fashion.
WATTERS: All right. I wouldn't have thought that. Kennedy.
KENNEDY: I -- I don't -- I love menswear. I love a slim-fit suit, anything that's cut well. I do not understand -- and this may be generational -- I don't understand fellows who wear the slim-fit pants that are either rolled up or capris --
KENNEDY: -- with dress shoes and no socks.
WATTERS: You're not talking about me, are you?
KENNEDY: Jesse, (UNINTELLIGIBLE)
WATTERS: I was in The Village that night. Wine was flowing.
All right. Dana.
PERINO: Gladiator boots. Can't stand them.
WATTERS: Our entire hair and makeup team has them on.
PERINO: I know they're watching. And we -- we have an open dialogue about this whenever they're worn. I just feel like there's very few people who look good in gladiator boots.
WATTERS: I'm afraid to criticize the hair and makeup people, because I think they're going to take it out on me and make me look ridiculous. Greg.
GUTFELD: Apparently, they have.
WATTERS: Good one.
GUTFELD: All right. One for women, one for men. The male, obviously, the man bun is still lingering at the gym. And if you can't see -- what you call that dork knob, it's still stupid. You can't see that. There's something wrong.
And then I've got to go -- I'm almost going to go into Juan's territory. The -- yoga pants. How is this no different than wearing underwear outside? I mean, I --
KENNEDY: Can we start doing that?
GUTFELD: At the airport, everybody dresses for comfort.
GUTFELD: Every single person is wearing -- I'm going, like, I know everything about you now. I know everything. It is like -- but it's so funny how we've -- we've changed the way we look at the human body as long as it's fully clothed. But it really isn't. It's not. Anyway --
WATTERS: My pet peeve is salmon-colored sneakers. Nothing personal. Just putting out there. Greg.
All right. Instagram question from @Connor_Waller20: "What is the dumbest way that you have been injured?" Kennedy, is it kicking Juan?
KENNEDY: Man, that's -- I don't know. I've got -- I have two of them. One, I was interviewing the Jensen brothers. They were a dual -- they were doubles players in -- professional tennis players. And I tried to jump over the net --
KENNEDY: -- and I caught my toe. And I ate it so hard. Like, it's a miracle I didn't break about five bones. And it looked so dumb, because I jumped it --
PERINO: Is that on --
KENNEDY: Yes. And they played it nonstop the summer of 1997.
PERINO: Can we play that next time you're on, please?
GUTFELD: We should find it.
WATTERS: Greg, what about you? Physical injuries, not emotional.
GUTFELD: Emotional, dammit. This is probably one of the strangest golfing injuries ever.
WATTERS: You injured yourself playing golf.
GUTFELD: Yes. I was holding -- I was holding the golf club when I went to bend over to pick up the ball, and I went right into my throat. So I went down to pick it up, and I --
WATTERS: You are so --
GUTFELD: -- I jammed the club into my throat and fell, and I almost died. I mean, I was like --
WATTERS: "I almost died."
GUTFELD: I almost died.
WATTERS: "I almost died."
GUTFELD: I was on the ground like this, and I couldn't breathe.
WATTERS: You should have yelled "fore."
GUTFELD: By the way, I was in a park near where I live, hitting the little plastic balls.
WATTERS: Oh, yes, public courses, kind of dangerous.
Dana, what do you think?
PERINO: Well, we talked about this not too long ago. We had a question like this. It was when I -- my mom told me when I was 13, "Don't go on the three-wheelers with those boys."
GUTFELD: With Troy!
PERINO: With Troy, now a chiropractor.
GUTFELD: And he can fix you.
PERINO: And he told me to hold on --
PERINO: -- before he was going to make a turn, but I didn't want him to think I liked him, so I didn't hold on. And I fell off, and the three- wheeler back tire rolled over my foot and broke my ankle.
GUTFELD: Troy is now becoming kind of a legend here on ""The Five"."
WATTERS: He's going to fill in for me next time I'm on vacation.
PERINO: Can somebody watching please remind me what his last name is?
WATTERS: Juan, any injuries you want to talk about?
WILLIAMS: Well, as a little guy, I remember once thinking, "You know what? I wonder if I have a good sense of distance." And I walked towards the end of the hallway in an apartment building with my eyes closed, betting that I would figure it out when to stop. But guess what? I busted my tooth.
GUTFELD: That is the dumbest. You win.
PERINO: You win.
GUTFELD: You win.
WATTERS: I smashed my forehead on a mirror the day after Thanksgiving and then lied about it and said it was a Black Friday injury when I was wrestling a TV away from my mother.
Are any of "The Five" handy? When "The Five"'S fan mail special continues, find out what's the last thing we fixed our homes.
GUTFELD: That is hilarious.
KENNEDY: Welcome back to "The Five" Labor Day dance party. We're answering more of your fan mail questions on this glorious Labor Day. Welcome to it.
All right. So here we go. This is so exciting. I'm going to start with you, Jesse, because you're -- you're follically adventurous and always very proud when you take leaps in the hair department. What's the worst hairstyle you've ever had?
WATTERS: I think I got one of those, like, high and tight shaves. My buddy did it in the backyard with one of those electric razors --
KENNEDY: Like a Kid N Play?
WATTERS: -- before school started. And my father was so terrified he made me go to the barber and change it.
GUTFELD: Your dad has bailed you out of a lot of things.
WATTERS: Yes, you have no idea. The whole show.
KENNEDY: The wisdom. Dana.
PERINO: Well, in -- right before seventh grade, my mom took me to the -- it was a new thing, Supercuts.
PERINO: It was like $7 or something like that.
PERINO: And I had pretty normal long hair, and my mom said it would be cuter if it was a little shorter. Well, it was shorter. And so short I looked like a boy for the first -- and that was the first year of middle school for us. So --
GUTFELD: And Troy did not look at you.
PERINO: No, he did not. But by the summer -- that's when that happened.
GUTFELD: Yes, Troy all of a sudden said, "Gee, she's a girl."
PERINO: I think it starts with a "B." But I'm going to figure it out.
GUTFELD: I had three older sisters, so that meant at least once a year somebody was getting a perm, and it was me. They would always, like -- because they were always practicing. They liked to do stuff. So they would, like, give me a perm, and it would be horrendous. And it stunk up the house.
WATTERS: Greg's sisters, send the photos to me.
GUTFELD: They are destroyed, those pictures. Yes, a lot of perms in my life.
KENNEDY: You looked like Mike Brady.
GUTFELD: No, there was -- Greg Brady. More of a Greg Brady in the living in the attic era.
KENNEDY: Sure. The Johnny Bravo era. Hot.
GUTFELD: Thank you.
WILLIAMS: You know, I mean, when I was a kid, I had a dandelion 'fro. When when, sometimes, they would, like, you know, braid it and I would go around, I think I looked so stupid.
KENNEDY: Did you look like Coolio?
WILLIAMS: Yes. There you go.
KENNEDY: That is hot.
WILLIAMS: No, it wasn't.
PERINO: What about you, Kennedy?
KENNEDY: One summer I was obsessed with both -- always between seventh and eighth grade.
KENNEDY: I was obsessed with Grace Jones and Pee-Wee Herman.
GUTFELD: Oh, you had one of those?
KENNEDY: So I tried to get a flat top. It looked so bad. And I never, ever wore it down. And so my head was so misshapen and weird looking that my friends started calling me Bean Head. And that name stuck with me through high school. It's very sad.
Don't worry. We're answering one more question next. We'll heal during the break. Stay right there.
(MUSIC: BROOKS & DUNN, "HARD WORKIN' MAN")
PERINO: It is Labor Day, after all.
OK, it's time for one more question. What is the last thing you fixed in your apartment or home? And -- what you fixed in your apartment or home. Jesse.
WATTERS: So the towel hangers that, you know, over the door, it crashed down. So I hammered them in, and I screwdrivered them back in. And then they fell down, and I had to do it again. It keeps happening.
PERINO: OK, so you should call your super.
WATTERS: I know. No.
PERINO: Juan, did you fix anything?
WILLIAMS: So I live in this corporate apartment, you know, in New York. And the cable was going out. And guess what? I figured out that I had detached it and put it back in; and it works, and I can watch FOX News.
PERINO: Excellent. That's actually a repair worth doing.
WILLIAMS: There you go.
KENNEDY: My girls sit sat stools and eat at the bar. And they're always - - they're gymnasts. They're always screwing around on the stools. Two of the safety knobs came off. And so it was like clinking all over the place, and I couldn't find them. So I cut an eraser in half and superglued them to the two legs where they were missing. And that was my MacGyver moment - -
KENNEDY: -- for the summer.
PERINO: All done. Greg.
GUTFELD: I fixed a Dark and Stormy, which is ginger beer, dark rum -- has to be dark rum -- a little bit of -- what do you call that? -- Angosturo bitters, and a slice of lime.
I have -- I have never fixed anything in my life. I have broken -- I have broken more things than humanly possible, but I'm incapable of fixing a single thing. Incapable. It's almost as though I have a superpower that is destructive. Like, I can't wear watches, because every watch that I wear breaks. And I'm not joking. I think this is -- this is, like, an actual disorder. I can break anything. Anything.
PERINO: But if something breaks at your apartment, and you tell Elena, "I'll fix it," does she say no?
GUTFELD: No, no, no. But it's specifically electronic devices. I have broken probably thousands of things. And it's just -- it's just a bizarre --
WATTERS: Did you ever destroy a Blackberry with a hammer?
WATTERS: What's so funny, Juan?
PERINO: I fixed -- well, I didn't fix something. I almost destroyed something. It was 1 a.m. This was back during the election, so we had been here late. Long days, long nights, finally going to get some sleep. I just drop off, and I hear this "Beep, beep." And it's one of -- one of the alarms. It wasn't a smoke alarm. It was the other one. And I couldn't reach it. Of course. Do I have a ladder in my apartment? No.
So I got on a stool, and I was trying to -- and you can't undo it, and I almost took a hammer to it. I almost did it.
GUTFELD: I fixed one by taking it off the ceiling and putting it in a drawer. And it beeped in the drawer, but I couldn't hear it.
WATTERS: CO2, right?
PERINO: Yes, it's the CO2. And then I couldn't go back to sleep, so I thought, "Well, wait, what if I'm going to die?"
GUTFELD: You would have dreamt of Troy, and everything would have been great.
PERINO: One of these days we'll find out Troy's last name, and we will be reunited.
GUTFELD: I hope he's hideous.
PERINO: All right. He's not hideous, believe me that.
WATTERS: Summer of love.
PERINO: That's it for us, this special edition of "The Five." We hope you have a wonderful Labor Day.
GUTFELD: Bye, Troy.
PERINO: We'll be back here tomorrow. "Special Report" --
GUTFELD: See you, Troy.
PERINO: -- is up next.
KENNEDY: Did he crack your back?
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