Jill Biden didn't endorse with much force

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Jill Biden didn't endorse with much force

Joe Biden's wife says her husband may not be the best candidate on certain issues, but the bottom line is Democrats have to beat Trump.

This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," August 24, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JOE SCARBOROUGH, MSNBC HOST: Trump vacating and how that may be a real challenge in 2020.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Some people just are exhausted.

DAVID IGNATIUS, COLUMNIST, THE WASHINGTON POST: I think people are just getting exhausted.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It becomes just incredibly exhausting to keep up with his 24/7 presence.

CHRIS MATTHEWS, MSNBC HOST: But they wear those hats, the MAGA hats.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: He may lose because the country is just exhausted.

DON LEMON, CNN ANCHOR: I think most people are exhausted even his staunchest supporters are exhausted by his behavior.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GREG GUTFELD, HOST: Well, Trump did say you'd get tired of winning.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Yes, so as the combined ages of the Democratic front runners exceed the age of Stonehenge, CNN is more alarmed that Trump isn't aging at all.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

CHRIS CUOMO, CNN ANCHOR: It's been almost three years since Trump won the presidency. He looks exactly the same. His hair is like, you know, I don't know what's going on with that. But he may do things that Presidents in the past haven't done to augment their physical reality. But it could also be that he doesn't care the way others have.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: So I get CNN is all out of, "Hey, Trump is crazy." Now, it's "Hmm. He is completely the same."

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Talk about desperation. First, Trump was nuts. Then he was racist. Now, he is ageless. Yes, it's terrible. We've been looking at Trump and it seems like he doesn't grow old. So does that make him a vampire? Meanwhile, as Trump stays the same, CNN looks like this.

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]

GUTFELD: Yes.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: The last three years have damaged more people than others. I mean, Trump looks great. You look great. I look great. This was me three years ago. Okay. This is me now.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: I mean, don't I look younger? Anyway, but CNN, they're like a child celebrity. You know, they were so cute in "Home Alone." But now look at them. I mean, what the hell happened? That really is Culkin, by the way.

So why is it? Well, we understand the Trump presidency, and they don't. They can't separate the show from reality or the words from the deeds. And they're also bitter because they wanted Hillary, but they elected Trump instead.

Remember, CNN was the network who gave Trump all the coverage, and it made them so much money, and now they regret it. It's funny, only CNN could portray not aging as a bad thing. Is it fair? I'm 'Fredo' not.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Don't encourage it. Don't encourage it. I mean, but imagine if Trump was actually showing his age, then Cuomo would scream that Trump's decline is an actual danger to the universe.

So here's my theory on Trump's agelessness. The job isn't that hard. Think about it. I mean, you get up you have a meeting, you hop on a plane, you have another meeting. You watch "The Five" and tell the chef, you want steak, and then you have some pudding. You watch "Hannity" you go to bed.

Trump basically showed us what the other Presidents wouldn't -- how easy this job is. As the good news piles up, this week Trump announced steps to forgive Federal student loans owed by 25,000 disabled vets.

Or as the media might say, Trump pays off war machine with money that could have been used to teach orphans the importance of gender free pronouns.

The other good news, the number of 401(k) millionaires hits an all-time high.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Yes. Or as the media might report it, Trump is racist.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: But what do you expect from the fake news of which many of you are members?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT: The fake news of which many of you are members was trying to convince the public to have a recession. Let's have a recession.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Especially this guy. He is the most biased.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: This guy is the most biased reporter, NBC. You know, I made a lot of money for NBC with "The Apprentice," and I used to like them, but they are the most biased. Peter is such a bias --

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Let me ask you about Joe Biden's gaffes?

TRUMP: You should be able to ask a question, same question in a better way.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I'll ask a question.

TRUMP: You are so obviously biased and that's why the public has no confidence in the media.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Did you hear what I said?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: Did you hear what I said? I said you have more credibility than this guy. Go ahead. And that's not saying much, because I don't think you -- I don't -- you know what? You know why? Because I don't think you have very much, credibility but --

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Sir, why should you be -- for stronger background checks?

TRUMP: But I should tell you this, NBC I think has less credibility than CNN. That's not saying much. But that's the way --

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: But, sir, why --

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Priceless.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: I don't even have to write anything. A Medal of Honor, I bet he wanted one.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: Medal of Honor. Nothing like the Medal of Honor. I wanted one, but they told me I don't qualify. I said, "Can I give it to myself anyway?" They said, I don't think that's a good idea.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: The media took that seriously. The smart people say thank you very much.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: The smart people say thank you very much. And the dumb people have no idea, and then you have the political people, and they go with the wind.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: And it all comes together like a beautiful puzzle.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: It all comes together like a beautiful puzzle.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: It does. As we watch the Trump Show, we know what to be upset about and what not to be. Sure Trump could be a handful, but he's less of a handful, if you see what he is doing as opposed to what he is saying. Because he'll say anything like wondering if he could buy Greenland.

How does that surprise anyone? He is half real estate tycoon, half Curious George. He is curious about everything. The last question is, "Hey, can I buy that? Can I fire that guy? How much is Earth? Name your price."

And the media goes nuts whenever he asks a question, but to him, it's just his inquisitive self. And what's with Denmark anyway? Or Denver? Copping an attitude?

Denmark should be flattered that we care. America is the cool kid at school; Denmark, it's the chatty bookworm. Basically, Denmark is Samantha from "16 Candles" and America is Jake.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Yes. But when you're a businessman, everything has a price. And unlike politicians, they make the transaction obvious. Like my good friend, Big Dan.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ANNOUNCER: So President Trump wants to buy Greenland, which is awesome. But that's not the only incredible thing for sale if you know where to look.

Introducing Big Dan's SUPER Discount Ultimate Clearance Warehouse Extravaganza Spectacular. Where anything you can imagine is on sale at unbeatable prices.

Stuff like Canada, it's a steal at $400 billion. Celine Dion not included.

Disneyland. Walt's dead, just take it.

Big Ben, not the giant clock, just some hairy fat guy in Tennessee who goes by Big Ben.

Jesse Watters' toupee made from real panther fur.

The letter P. Find the letter P and we'll throw in Q, R, S, T, U, and V.

Fabio's pecs. Plus, we'll throw in a free copy of "Savage Thunder," a box of loose mannequin parts. Whoa dinner with Lou Dobbs. Technically, he will be on TV and you'll be watching him while eating a burrito, but it's $75.00. It's a steal.

A ferret who can count to 10 in Aramaic. Vaccinations sold separately.

And Maroon 5, now just $5.00. And we pay you for it.

So come on down to Big Dan's Super Discount Ultimate Clearance Warehouse Extravaganza Spectacular or don't. I don't care.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: So, forgive us if we find this fun. We see the news and the show at CNN, they confuse both. Listen.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: We have a lot of great people. Even Greg Gutfeld --

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN ANCHOR: Even Greg Gutfeld. That was a close one. Greg Gutfeld is on, boy, everyone stand up on the missile silos.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: "Even Greg Gutfeld," Anderson says. He says that as if Greg Gutfeld isn't killing CNN both daily on "The Five" and on this show Saturdays with Kat and Tyrus.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: That's math. It is inarguable, but what Cooper said might bother me, had anyone actually seen it until now. So you're welcome, Anderson. By showing that clip, I just tripled your audience.

ANNOUNCER: Period.

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. His former profession he heard confession, theologian and Fox News contributor, Jonathan Morris.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: He is the second funniest DeVito, comedian Joe DeVito. Check out his new special at drybarcomedy.com.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: She has apprehensions about air extensions, host of "Sincerely, Kat" on Fox Nation, Kat Timpf.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: And Antarctica is his meat locker, my massive sidekick and host of "Nuff Said" on Fox Nation, Tyrus.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Jonathan, Jonathan, Jonathan, could Trump not aging be assigned that he is actually the anti-Christ?

JONATHAN MORRIS, CONTRIBUTOR: My God. That sounds like a religious question. Kind of? Right?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MORRIS: Basically.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MORRIS: Anti-Christ. I don't think so. I don't think he has enough like, decision toward principles to be the anti-Christ. You have to like -- you have to actually want to do something terrible.

GUTFELD: You did wearing that jacket.

(Laughter)

MORRIS: Okay, so let me -- let me explain. I wore black --

KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NATION HOST: He is always wearing that clothes.

GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, CONTRIBUTOR: He wore the same outfit forever.

TIMPF: He's wearing it every day.

GUTFELD: I know.

MURDOCH: He is just happy he can have his collar out. Get off him, Greg.

MORRIS: I've never seen both of you get so excited about anything in your life. Okay, at the same time. I wore black and white for a very long time. Basically, I just say yes to whatever anybody who I think has any idea about anything tells me.

So I'm so excited -- see Tyrus, you are so excited about this.

MURDOCH: Yes, I'm excited.

MORRIS: Unbelievable. What do you think?

TIMPF: I think it's great. Give the guy a break. He probably wants to wear colors.

GUTFELD: Yes. That's true.

MURDOCH: Honestly, I'll be honest, judging by that little anger spat, no wonder why you left.

MORRIS: Fair enough.

GUTFELD: Joe, what do you make of this? Anything? Except -- except his jacket?

MORRIS: Oh my gosh. The jacket? Really? We're talking about the jacket?

JOE DEVITO, COMEDIAN: It's a good look. We have an excellent height thing going until we get to the very end of this panel. Right? Lining up nicely. I think -- I've been to Greenland and we should just take it.

GUTFELD: Yes, really?

DEVITO: What are they going to do? They are not going to stop us.

GUTFELD: What were you doing in Greenland?

DEVITO: Shout out to Thule Air Force Base. I was performing at Thule Air Force Base in Greenland, and I think this is one of -- yes, clap for them.

(Cheering and Applause)

DEVITO: They are great. This is one of Trump's great moves where it sounds like he is just thinking out loud.

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: But this is when he gets things done. He will say something like this, and when the media runs over to that, they turn around and like, what's this Area 52? When did that get here?

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: So this is his time to get things done when they're worried about buying Greenland and "Kofeve" and all that other stuff. So I think he knows what he is doing.

GUTFELD: Yes, you know, Kat, I will say this about Cuomo. It is -- he is right. It is a true observation that Trump has an age and my theory is it's because he's not drinking or smoking, or vaping. His lifestyle is no fun.

TIMPF: Well, [bleep].

(Laughter)

TIMPF: You know, I have a problem whenever I see anyone not aging? Because, I do.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: No, I agree with you that I can't believe that people were surprised that Trump wanted to buy Greenland, because he has spent his whole life buying places.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: Like I think it wouldn't be the same if I were the President. Right? Like I'd be giving the State of the Union. And all of a sudden, I'd like go into a story about one of my ex-boyfriends.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: And everyone would be like, "What is she doing? It's so absurd." And I'd be like, "Have you not been paying attention? Because this makes perfect sense."

GUTFELD: So, instead of buying Greenland, you would dump Greenland.

TIMPF: I would be like -- I would be like Greenland didn't text me back. And now I'm going to put you on blast. I'd be like the economy is so good. Even you can get a job, ex-boyfriend, who never got a job.

GUTFELD: I know who you're talking about.

TIMPF: I do.

GUTFELD: Tyrus?

MURDOCH: Yes, sir.

GUTFELD: Take it home. Thoughts?

MURDOCH: Again, I'm always excited about buying places where white people live. I think that's great.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: I actually -- I think we've gotten to a point where I would like to challenge the President. Don't say anything for 24 hours. What would they do?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Silent watch. Ten hours in.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Did you see the way he rolled his eyes?

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: Trump's racist facial expressions cost millions. He's -- they've -- the fact that every time he says something, you have to talk about it for an hour.

GUTFELD: Right? Exactly. An hour, minimum.

MURDOCH: That's [bleep] awesome. I wish every time I said something, a team, a panel got together. "Let's break down Tyrus' theory on Kool-Aid." You know like -- because it's not much deeper than that. He made a joke. "Hey, can we buy the place?"

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: It's now an NBC special.

GUTFELD: Yes. And the Medal of Honor line, when he said that was picked up and treated as though he really wanted the Medal of Honor.

TIMPF: And everyone was like, this is so offensive to veterans. It's like that's why this room full of veterans was laughing?

GUTFELD: Exactly. Exactly. And the point is, all of Trump's jokes are funny because they are politically incorrect or offensive, which is what was part of his appeal and the pledge.

MORRIS: What is so awesome, Greg, is that we know what our President thinks because he says it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MORRIS: Right? Imagine if Hillary Clinton were President right now. We would have no idea what she is thinking.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MORRIS: We would have no idea, we would be scared.

TIMPF: She is probably thinking about wine.

MORRIS: Of what she is thinking. We know exact -- okay, sometimes it's crazy. But we say, how peaceful is it to know that we know what our President is thinking? Because he tweets it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MORRIS: How awesome is that?

GUTFELD: It's awesome. So awesome we're going to keep talking about it.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Coming up, Joe Biden tries to grab voters with a new ad.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: “The Greg Gutfeld Show” presents, "The 2020 CAN'T-idates."

GUTFELD: She didn't endorse with much force. Despite all his gaffes, Joe Biden is still leading in the polls, which is why his wife Jill said this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JILL BIDEN, WIFE OF JOE BIDEN: You know, your candidate might be better on -- I don't know -- healthcare than Joe is. But you've got to look at who is going to win this election.

And maybe you have to swallow a little bit and say, "Okay, I personally like so and so better." But your bottom line has to be that we have to beat Trump.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I've heard mice give cats better endorsements.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: My husband doesn't have the best ideas, but he's not so bad. Unlike Trump. That seems to be the strategy of the Biden campaign. Vote for Joe because, eww, Donald Trump. Listen to Biden's first TV ad telling us what we know in our bones.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JOE BIDEN, D-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE (voice over): We know in our bones, this election is different. The stakes are higher, the threat, more serious. We have to beat Donald Trump. Most of all, to restore the soul of the nation battered by an erratic, vicious, bullying President.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: So they're playing the Trump is a jerk card. It's really the only card they've got because the peace and prosperity thing is going pretty well these days.

But I think their next ad should be more honest about this. Tell the people what you really mean. Like this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ANNOUNCER: We know it in our bones. Things are going great. The economy, jobs, peace, which is what makes it so hard to come up with a reason not to vote for Trump. It's a presidency based on deeds and results.

Sure, unemployment is at a 50-year low. We say forget all that. Don't vote for him because he's a big meanie.

TRUMP: That guy has got a serious weight problem. Go home. Start exercising.

ANNOUNCER: And yes, consumer optimism is higher than ever. But Trump doesn't even read to children. He gives fast food to our college football teams. And he is critical of inanimate objects.

TRUMP: And I thought that was the sun in my eyes? It's these stupid lights -- these people -- is there any way that can turn those lights down, folks?

ANNOUNCER: And sure, he may be ending a war, but don't forget, he doesn't even own a dog, with no plans of getting one.

TRUMP: How would I look walking a dog on the White House lawn? Feels a little phony.

ANNOUNCER: A dogless President? Now that's just [bleep] up. But the biggest reason not to vote for him, he is so cold to Jim Acosta.

TRUMP: Excuse me. That's enough. CNN should be ashamed of itself, having you working for them. You are a rude, terrible person. You shouldn't be working for CNN.

ANNOUNCER: So in 2020, vote Democrat. We may screw everything up, but at least we'll be nice about it.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: So Joe, it probably is a good strategy to go not on policy, but personality. Because that's kind of the most obvious thing you can do.

DEVITO: Yes, I don't know if Joe Biden has the Jill Biden vote locked down.

(Laughter)

DEVITO: He sounds like she is still -- you know --

GUTFELD: She comes in wearing a red hat. That would be awesome.

DEVITO: You may have to swallow, you may have to grit your teeth. You may have to -- you may have to take a pill of some type. You may have to wear a hat pulled down and sunglasses and a fake mustache to vote for him, but vote for that guy because I don't want him around the house.

I think she wants -- first of all, if you're 76 years old, don't release an ad called "bones."

(Laughter)

(Applause)

DEVITO: I thought it was ad for Tylenol PM.

GUTFELD: All right, Kat. You know, I think it's the -- I think it's -- not -- you think half the country could go for this? Because half the country does have a problem with Trump as Trump.

TIMPF: Still, I kind of got the vibe from this whole thing that Joe Biden is basically a guy who is madly in love with this girl who likes him fine.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: But doesn't want to date him. So he's just like, babe. And then this scenario, America, we are babe.

GUTFELD: Okay.

TIMPF: You know, babe, I know that I don't have a job and I live with my mom and I can only get aroused when I hear "We are the Champions" on the accordion. But like at least, I'm not a serial killer and who is really going to be there for you in the end? We can get someone to play the accordion whenever we want. But I don't know women that go for that.

GUTFELD: No, neither do I, sadly.

TIMPF: I don't think America is going to go for that either.

GUTFELD: I don't know. You know, Tyrus. Is he going to make it to the nomination? I mean --

MURDOCH: Yes, he's not going to do anything. You just going to stay home, lock his doors. I mean, having a woman behind you like that is an amazing, amazing feeling.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: I often think of sometimes when women would stand behind me like that. It's always nice when some of those, "Are you Mr. Tyrus" "Yes, yes. That's him." That's terrible, man. It's mean you can't say anything. You can't correct her. You can't go, "Hey, honey. Remember that exciting endorsement you wanted to give me." "What happened? What did say was wrong?" Nothing.

But I'll give it to them at least -- here is the difference with the ads. Republicans are always accused of fear mongering. Democrats tried to do it, Beto O'Rourke is really doing it.

GUTFELD: Right.

MURDOCH: They are bad at it. He said, if America, we are dying in our sleep. If we don't make changes -- I have to be honest. I'm good with a nap and being gone. But the point is like, they try to scare us with fear mongering, but they attack the Republicans for it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: But telling us if we don't vote for Biden, you're going to die in your sleep, also could be ironic.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Let me -- last word to you, Jonathan. The media is making it a national emergency anyway, so they're helping Joe.

MORRIS: Well, I just -- I want to hear more from Jill. I mean, Jill is amazing. Right? I used to give a lot of marriage counseling. Right? And I imagine as Jill speaking about why you should not vote for Joe except that, you know, otherwise, we're going to get Trump, Joe is probably kicking her under like the table, right? That's basically what married couples do. Right? You kick each other under the table. I were never married.

TIMPF: When they got married, was she just like, "I do."

MURDOCH: Well, they are one side kicks. The rest of us just kind of take it and smile for the camera.

(Laughter)

MORRIS: But I would love to hear more from Jill why his policies are not that good. Because basically, that's what she said. His policies aren't very good, but -- you know what? It's better than having Trump, so I want to hear more from Jill.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MORRIS: And it's also very good to see the whole marriage thing, right? Like -- and watch the feet under the table. They are going to be like --

MURDOCH: It's like mediocre Joe, why not? That's the slogan.

GUTFELD: That's what it is. Or don't, as he said before, vote for me or don't. All right. Up next, Sean Spicer finally makes people care about Dancing with the Stars.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

AISHAH HASNIE, CORRESPONDENT: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I am Aishah Hasnie. At least four employees of a Hollywood Florida nursing home had been charged for the deaths of 12 patients during Hurricane Irma, the deadliest storm knocking out the facilities air conditioning unit. The employees are expected to surrender Monday morning. The nursing home's administrator and head nurse on duty are facing 12 counts of manslaughter. Irma devastated southern Florida back in September of 2017.

Overseas, Israel says it has stopped at an Iranian drone attack. Israel says it struck Syria to prevent that attack launched by the Iranian Revolutionary Guards. The AP reporting that Israeli officials have been monitoring for months now an alleged plot by Iran and the Shiite militias to send killer drones into Israel. This comes amid heightened tensions in the region. I'm Aishah Hasnie, now back to “The Greg Gutfeld Show.”

GUTFELD: Is it too dicey to dance with spicy? Lonely stupid people on social media had an absolute conniption this week when "Dancing with the Stars" announced this season's lineup and on the list, the corpse of Charles Manson. They're going to use straps and pulleys to move him across the dance floor.

No, actually, the losers are mad that Sean Spicer -- Trump's first White House spokesman -- was picked. Why are they mad? Because he was Trump's first spokesman and anyone who has anything to do with Trump is evil and irredeemable, even the show's host, Tom Bergeron. What a wimp. Lamely covered his ass basically saying, "Oh, this wasn't my idea. I didn't want anyone political. Blame the producer."

That's brave Tom. You're the game show version of a snitch. So people scream boycott because they need to scream about something. I guess that's better than screaming about nothing like my buddy, Steve.

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]

GUTFELD: What got his goat? Somebody shoot me.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Tyrus? Thoughts?

MURDOCH: Well, first of all, good luck to him. It's going to be tough. I myself, 2014, I was the WWE dancer of the year. I won an award for that, yes.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Nice.

MURDOCH: So I know -- I know how tough that can be. And it's going to be a lot tougher than these cry-babies social media. Who cares?

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.

MURDOCH: Like who cares?

GUTFELD: Who cares?

MURDOCH: Good day, sir. Like, that's all you've got?

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

MURDOCH: I mean, you're upset because "Dancing with the Stars" is about having people who used to have famous jobs or positions showing they still can move in that they're not in a rehab hospital somewhere.

GUTFELD: Right?

MURDOCH: That's kind of the basic premise. Like I'm still here. I can't get acting job. But I'm still here. So who cares if he is doing this like? Like good for him. Why not?

GUTFELD: Yes, no, I agree. You know, Kat. If you are publicly venting outrage over this, you are the luckiest person alive. Apparently, you have no problems. You have no sick relatives. You have no personal serious illnesses, no financial strains, you have no huge unmet commitments. You must be living at home at your parents' house where you don't have to pay rent, and all you can do is sit around and do this crap. You have to be pathetic.

TIMPF: Yes. Well, you know what? I'm actually going to give these people the benefit of the doubt here. Because I saw the reaction. I actually wrote about this for "National Review" so I went through all of it. And it was very extreme, which leads me to believe the only explanation is that these people must just be confused.

So all of you out there that were mad about this, I'm talking to you. Just so you know, you might not realize this, but Sean Spicer dancing on TV is actually not going to kill you.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: For your family. Okay.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: And then one more thing they might be confused about, you're actually not going to be forced to watch it. Like, nobody from ABC is going to come in and put a gun to your head and be like "Watch him dance or you die."

You can watch something else. You can go for a walk, or you can be very grateful, as you mentioned that you must not have a real problem.

GUTFELD: Exactly. Exactly. It's like, why do people get upset? There's a hole in their life. And I think it might be a spiritual one.

MORRIS: Really?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MORRIS: First of all, I should say this is the weirdest thing that I'm sitting here with four comedians -- professional, you guys. And so I'm supposed to say something funny. I'm going to say something serious.

GUTFELD: Okay.

MORRIS: Because it's very important here. Watch what the outrage here has to do with the fact that somehow, we believe that if there's a conservative, they cannot be on national television in a prominent spot.

And while the country is, let's say, 50/50. How crazy is it that we're getting upset that 50 percent of the country is being represented in some way dancing?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MORRIS: Right? Is that is that wild? And yet, there's a tiny percentage in Hollywood that is saying that can't happen because it doesn't represent us.

GUTFELD: Exactly, you're right.

MORRIS: It's wild.

GUTFELD: No, that's a great a great point. And Joe, how brave was Tom Bergeron, huh? Immediately stepped in -- he is like -- he reminds me of the kid in class who was -- when the other kids did something. He is like, "I had nothing to do with it, but I'll give me the names of the people who did."

DEVITO: Yes, yes. He longs for the days of intellectual entertainment, like "America's Funniest Home Videos."

GUTFELD: That was where he really made it big.

DEVITO: Yes. He has just been getting hit in the groin with sports equipment over and over again.

TIMPF: That is not bad television.

DEVITO: I would only watch this if he danced with the podium in front of them the whole time.

GUTFELD: Oh, yes.

DEVITO: That would be very good television.

GUTFELD: They should have podium as the partners.

DEVITO: They would clean up.

MORRIS: Greg, let's be honest. The reason why Tom Bergeron has him on is because of rating.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

MORRIS: Because there's 50 percent of the country that says, "I want somebody else who represents something other than Hollywood." I hope he is a good dancer. I don't think he is. I could be totally wrong, but Tom Bergeron knows exactly what he is doing. And that's the -- that's the inauthentic like reality that everybody says, "Oh my gosh, are you kidding me? Tom Bergeron is going to come out and say I got totally surprised by this."

GUTFELD: He is a coward.

MORRIS: He did it for the ratings.

GUTFELD: I am going to wrap. Tom Bergeron, if you're watching -- because I know you are. You're a coward. You should have supported the guy.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Up next, a story about emojis and sex. Yes, ratings goals.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: You'll get more sex with emojis in your text. New research -- whatever that is -- says people who use emojis, the cartoon images on your phone's keyboard. We have to explain this are better at social connections and more likely to have sex with dates, which is better than sex with prunes.

McKinsey Institute -- a terrible joke -- survey. A survey analyzed texting habits of 5,000 people and found a correlation between emoji use and frequency of dates, kissing and sex.

They conclude emoji users are more emotionally open and better at establishing intimacy. But you don't need emojis to express yourself. Isn't that right, Buster?

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]

GUTFELD: Yo, Kat, I love emojis. I think it's an evolution in language. It's the best way to get out of a conversation. Right? You know, when you're texting -- like everybody when they're texting know they want to get out of the conversation, but either one won't. So if you do a thumbs up or a little poop.

TIMPF: Yes. Well, this story made me very uncomfortable.

GUTFELD: Why?

TIMPF: My dad uses a lot of emojis.

(Laughter)

TIMPF: Lots of them. Thanks for doing this to me. I am bothered that this study happened and I am confused that it happened. Because who on God's green Earth sees an emoji and is like, "Oh, I need to know how often the people who use those bang?"

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Like, are they banging more than the non-emoji people or less than the non-emoji people? They analyze data from more than 5,000 people.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: To figure this out. Imagine how these researchers felt going to work every day to do this.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: While the other researchers are over there, like looking for a cure to cancer. Which is arguably more useful.

GUTFELD: Yes. Yes, it is. And --

TIMPF: And I wouldn't have to think about my dad like that.

GUTFELD: You know, Jonathan, I think the best thing is always to use cheerful emojis after really bad news. You know, like --

MORRIS: Okay.

GUTFELD: You know like, you know, at work, "You know, I'm sorry, there's no room in the budget for a raise," followed by like a little laughing face.

MORRIS: So have we shifted from the dating part?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MORRIS: Okay, so now, I can talk about emojis for other things.

GUTFELD: Sure.

MORRIS: Because finally, the emojis for dating actually sounds interesting to me.

GUTFELD: Right. That's right.

MORRIS: But you're totally -- right? You guys get it or no?

GUTFELD: Yes. Father Jonathan, if you were doing like --

MORRIS: Well, it's not Father Jonathan.

GUTFELD: Kissing emojis.

MORRIS: Hold on. Hold on. It's not Father Jonathan.

GUTFELD: Oh, I'm saying, "The Father."

MORRIS: Oh, "The Father."

MURDOCH: Or as formerly known as --

MORRIS: Formerly known as --

GUTFELD: The artist formerly known as "Father Jonathan." I am like that.

MORRIS: Thank you, Tyrus. I like that.

MURDOCH: You're welcome.

GUTFELD: Answer the question. Whatever it was.

MORRIS: Listen, emojis is like -- it's a cheap way, it's an easy way of saying, you don't understand my emotions, but I'm going to throw out something that might make you understand that I'm trying to express my emotions. So we'll just going to leave it at that.

GUTFELD: I think -- I've got to tell you, Joe.

DEVITO: Yes.

GUTFELD: This is the best way to communicate. This is what we did before words were invented. It's a reversion to cave painting. It's so much simpler and we know cave people had a lot of sex because we're seven billion people.

DEVITO: We're here.

GUTFELD: They started it all.

DEVITO: Well, emojis are the cheap and easy way for dating. Now you're talking my language.

(Laughter)

MORRIS: Oh, really?

DEVITO: Yes. I didn't understand it at first and sometimes, I would look at and say, I don't know -- am I a wagon wheel? Rainbow poop? Map of Japan? I don't know anymore.

So, but I read this study and I just went to my dating profiles. Now, it's not even a text, it's just a series of eggplant emojis.

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: And the swiping right has just been unbelievable. Incredible response.

MORRIS: What does that mean? Eggplant emoji? What does it mean?

DEVITO: Please.

MORRIS: I think, Tyrus --

TIMPF: It means you're really into gardening. Vegetable.

MURDOCH: Kind of. It means you pee standing up. Yes. Kinky version.

GUTFELD: You know what, we're going to move on. Tyrus, last word. If you use emojis and why?

MURDOCH: No. Because I'm a grown ass man. And I hunt in the wilderness.

TIMPF: You're insulting my father and he is here.

MURDOCH: Hey, listen, I love Mr. Timpf. But damn it, you're too old to be doing that [bleep]. Cut it out. Just to say and I'm pretty sure that everyone on that thing lied.

GUTFELD: And the people who are telling the truth are less likely to use emojis, so they say, I don't have --

MURDOCH: Yes, so the grown ass man should be like, "No, I've been with the same woman for eight years of course, I am not having sex? Why would I want to put a happy face when I'm never happy at all at the end of my sentences?"

GUTFELD: I think emojis are a good thing. It saves a lot of time. I don't like expressing my emotions, so a little cartoon -- happy faces.

TIMPF: Plus, you can do creepy things and it seems cute. Yes, like a week after I started dating my boyfriend. I just started sending him the pregnancy emoji and I was like, "Ha-ha, just kidding."

GUTFELD: I bet your dad liked that little piece.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Up next, we uncovered the biggest media scandal no one is talking about, for good reason.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Our national day is just a made up craze, a writer at the Atlantic -- whatever that is -- found out that a lot of the national days like National Avocado Day are just industry schemes to drive up sales. You think.

Now, there's so many now that the whole idea of a national day has become totally meaningless. But I disagree, I say we need more national day so we came up with a few right here. Shall we show them to you? Here's my first one. National eat a large fish at your desk day must include that head.

National trick a vulture into thinking you're dead so you can punch it in the face day. It's my favorite day.

National tell the babysitter they can't have any food or beverages from the fridge day. Though it is good to do that.

All right. National eat an entire jar of mayonnaise while on the bus wearing only a housecoat day. It's also called Kat Timpf Day.

(Laughter)

TIMPF: It was one time.

GUTFELD: Yes. National hit every button in the elevator and at every stop shout "Acid is groovy, Satan is coming" day. That gets applause.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: National park your car right on the white line of the parking spot, so the guy already parked next to you has to get in the passenger side of the car day. I do that to Kilmeade every week. And he drives a Hugo. Kilmeade. Last one.

MORRIS: That's good.

GUTFELD: Oh this is the real finish. National tell a child that the world is an empty scary place filled with disappointment at best, an abject misery at worst day.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Father Jonathan --

MORRIS: Why is that funny? That's a terrible thing. I suggest a national day of civility to be actually kind on social media.

GUTFELD: No.

MORRIS: Yes, yes, Kat. Yes. You know you want that. You know you want that.

TIMPF: I would have nothing to say.

MORRIS: Yes. Exactly. And that would be a wonderful thing. Just take the day off. National day of kindness on social media. Agree?

GUTFELD: That's really good.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Or how about, Joe, national say something super offensive on Twitter day.

DEVITO: Oh, that's every day.

GUTFELD: That is every day. But any days you want.

DEVITO: You know, I'm looking forward to October 29, it's national oatmeal day.

TIMPF: That's my birthday.

DEVITO: So there you go.

MORRIS: Yes, that's amazing.

DEVITO: Yes, it's national oatmeal day, and I am going to get together with Wilford Brimley and see if there's any sparks.

GUTFELD: He is alive, right?

DEVITO: He is.

GUTFELD: Oh fantastic. Even better. You know, he was younger than you when he did --

DEVITO: When he did "Cocoon." Everyone keeps telling me that.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: You'll be good in "Cocoon 3." Mark my words. Kat, any days you want.

TIMPF: I think there needs to be an overhaul of everything, because all the national days we have now are for different kinds of booze and different kinds of like bread and cheese combinations, and everybody is celebrating them aka they are killing us slowly, right?

GUTFELD: Right.

MORRIS: Awesome.

TIMPF: So I think we need to have national days that make us better as people. For example, national tell your grandma she doesn't need to leave a voicemail telling you that she called because you can tell that from the missed calls day or like national walking outside to smoke a cigarette doesn't count as exercise day.

Like things to improve us as people rather than like, well the doctor -- I know I had four heart attacks but it is national grilled cheese day, so I've got to eat one, which is what is happening now.

GUTFELD: That is true, Tyrus. It is encouraging bad behavior.

MURDOCH: Yes, speaking of that, I would like national get to tell her what I really think day with no consequences.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: #GrownAssManDay.

(Applause)

GUTFELD: That's a good day.

MURDOCH: #ItIsTheTruth. Don't kick me out -- again.

TIMPF: I actually like it when a guy I am dating says something to me that's not nice.

GUTFELD: Really?

TIMPF: Because then I cry and he has to make it up to me and I get to make that last for as long as I can.

MURDOCH: But not on my day. We get to say it and you've got to high five me.

GUTFELD: Don't ruin his day, Kat.

MURDOCH: Yes.

GUTFELD: He has a special day --

MURDOCH: Where I can say it. You have to go, "Thank you for telling me that."

GUTFELD: All right. We've got to move on. Okay, speaking of a great day, get your tickets for "The Gutfeld Monologues Live." It's live. The fall tour begins September 14th in Orlando, Florida. Then Atlanta, September 15th. Plus shows in Omaha, Jacksonville, Durham, Knoxville. Go to ggutfeld.com for ticket information. "Final Thoughts" next.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: If you'll be in the New York area and would like to join our live studio audience, visit foxnews.com/gutfeld and click "Request Tickets."

GUTFELD: All right, "Final Thoughts," Joe?

DEVITO: Watch my new special for free on drybarcomedy.com.

GUTFELD: Excellent, Kat.

TIMPF: Thursday, August 29th, I will be at Caroline's. That's at New York City. It's a comedy club on Broadway with Dr. Drew. It's going to be so fun. Get your tickets because it is going to be so fun.

GUTFELD: It will be. All right. Thanks, Jonathan Morris, Joe DeVito, Kat and Tyrus. Studio audience. I am Greg Gutfeld. I love you, America.

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