James Comey returns to TV to trash President Trump

This is a rush transcript from "The Five," May 10, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

DANA PERINO, HOST: Hello, everyone. I'm Dana Perino along with Emily Compagno, Juan Williams, Jesse Watters, and Greg Gutfeld. It's 5 o'clock in New York City. It's Friday. And this is “The Five.”

Democrats showing no signs of slowing down with multiple investigations into the Trump administration. Moments ago, the House Ways and Means committee issuing subpoenas to Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin and the IRS commissioner over failure to produce President Trump's tax returns.

This comes after the House Judiciary Committee voted this week to hold Attorney General Bill Barr in contempt. Nancy Pelosi is praising the efforts and she's also threatening to hold Trump administration officials also in contempt.


NANCY PELOSI, SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE: Yes, I agree with Chairman Nadler. Because the administration has decided that they are not going to honor their oath of office.

I'm very proud of the judiciary committee and the work that they have done. And simply of timing when we're reay we'll come to the floor. And we'll just see because there might be some other contempt of Congress issues that we want to deal with at the same time.


PERINO: Adam Schiff not ruling out going after Trump officials by hitting them with stiff fines and potential jail time if they ignore subpoenas.


REP. ADAM SCHIFF, D-CALIF.: They are violating the statute. We can enforce it in court but that takes time. It used to be we imprison people but we could also fine them $25,000 a day until they comply or some other number. That may be an even swifter remedy if we need to embark on it and we may have to.


PERINO: Attorney General Barr doesn't seem too worried about any of it.


WILLIAM BARR, ATTORNEY GENERAL: You like records. This must be a record of attorney general being proposed for contempt within 100 days of taking office.


PERINO: And left-wing Democrats want the party to go even further. Some now pressing Nancy Pelosi to pursue impeachment.


REP. ERIC SWALWELL, D-CALIF., PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: We're on the road to impeachment, there's no question about that.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What I think is important is to recognize that 10 million people said that we need to hold this president accountable. I think that speaks volumes. I want to look back and said I did something. Right now, doing nothing is not an option and 10 million people just told us do something.


PERINO: And today Jerry Nadler and other Democrats introducing the bill called the no president is above the law act. It would cause the statute of limitations so that the president could be potentially charge with the crime once he's out of office.

OK. Greg, contempt, that's the word of the week. Contempt.

GREG GUTFELD, HOST: Contempt. Right. OK. So, what is the next -- I keep trying to figure out what is the next subway stop on this crazy train?

PERINO: After contempt?

GUTFELD: Have you -- yes. Well, you think about it. It is really time for responsible Democrats to stand up and say, OK, stop. Because let's look at this crazy train. The first stop was Trump was unstable.

The second stop he was insane. The third stop is Russian spy who didn't really get elected. The fourth stop was he's insane and will not leave office. That was last week, right? The fifth with fifth stop was a crisis of -- a constitutional crisis. Now we have contempt. Let's arrest everybody. What kind of message -- so what's the next? I keep thinking what is the next stop? Right.

PERINO: Impeachment?

GUTFELD: Well, impeachment but they're not going to get it. So, what are they trying to tell the public? I mean, are they taking any responsibility for the conflict. They are talking about a constitutional crisis.

What they doing is actually creating a crisis that could lead into some -- if you are trying to tell America that there is an insane unstable man barricading himself in the Oval Office what's the message that you are telling America? That somebody needs to go in and take him out.

I'm sorry, but it's getting to the point where it's getting that crazy. I hate politics. I hate the media. I don't know how I got this job.

JESSE WATTERS, HOST: What are you doing here?

GUTFELD: Exactly. No, that's my point. I don't know. I don't know because --


WATTERS: Because they are paying you, that's why.

GUTFELD: You know, because this is a circus. This is a circus born from team sport politics which is aided and abetted by a media that is -- that is invested in the same portfolio which is conflict. This is all about making money.

PERINO: I do think the founding fathers thought that the institutions would fight against each other not that the parties would then be the ones fighting against each other and then hurting the institutions.

WATTERS: Yes. The Democrats have now just become free-wheeling sheriffs. Greg is right. This, the next stop after contempt is throw your political opponents in prison.


WATTERS: That's where we are going here. Now we remember the lock him up chants and the Trump poor resentment with that. But that was just a slogan. No one ever really thought Hillary was going to prison.

Adam Schiff really wants to lock people up. Hillary is talk -- I mean, Pelosi is talking about locking people up. People are talking about holding Barr in contempt and then dragging the sergeant of arms, dragging him into jail.

We've already locked up so many people on a hoax already. This hoax got Manafort locked up, Papadopoulos locked up, Gates locked up. Now who General Flynn, a decorated hero is now waiting to serve his sentence. People salivating over the possibility that Donald Trump, Jr. might get locked up.

And James Comey last night on CNN said well maybe when the president finishes serving his term, we could charge him and then lock him up.


WATTERS: It looks like now the Democrats know that Barr might throw them in jail so they are going to try to throw him in jail before they get thrown in jail. They are drunk of power; they don't trust the American people to pick their own leaders.

So, they are short-circuiting the election, which is coming up in just two years. They had ADD. They can't wait. And they're just taking it upon themselves because they care more about Twitter than about the real will of the American people.

PERINO: But Juan, the congresswoman to leaves point that there are a lot of Democrats who said this is we want to hold the president to account and if this this, if it leads to impeachment, can Pelosi hold that back?

JUAN WILLIAMS, HOST: Sure. I think she has been holding it back, Dana. And what the congresswoman was referring to was a moveon.org petition. It had 10 million signatures calling for impeachment. The numbers among Democrats are pretty strong not among independents, and clearly not among Republicans.

But I would point to you that, you know, the Congress has a legitimate right to exercise oversight of the executive. And we certainly saw that with Benghazi and Fast and Furious and IRS. I mean, this is what Republicans did.

And at that time people said boy, that's kind of talk but guess what you got it play along and some people held back documents. But there wasn't a blanket refusal to cooperate which is what we're seeing now from the Trump White House.

So, to me, when you think back to Benghazi and these other things you thin, well, wait a second, what we are talking about now is a constitutional crisis in which you have the Congress versus the White House which is the very form of our democratic government. We are talking about how America works. This is bigger than Benghazi. Bigger than the IRS.


GUTFELD: Four people died in Benghazi.

WATTERS: Who is bigger than Benghazi?

WILLIAMS: I said this is the underpinnings of our form of government, Jesse.

PERINO: Why, but --

GUTFELD: Americans died.

WATTERS: No one died.

WILLIAMS: No one -- yes. So, if we don't have a democracy, if, in other words, we have an autocrat, if the president is --


GUTFELD: That's an exaggeration, obviously.

WILLIAMS: -- that the president cannot --

GUTFELD: We actually see the dead bodies.

WATTERS: The answers to the voters, Juan.

GUTFELD: The dead bodies are there. That's merely an exaggeration.

WILLIAMS: Wait a second. We had a -- Obama was twice elected by voters. Republicans blocked him from a legitimate nomination to the Supreme Court and you didn't scream then.

This is not a Supreme Court nomination. They are trying to get his son in prison.

WATTERS: This is not a Supreme Court nomination.


WATTERS: They're trying to get his son imprisoned, Juan, over a lie.

WILLIAMS: They're not trying to get anybody --

WATTERS: Yes, they are.

WILLIAMS: They asked him to come back.

WATTERS: Yes, they are.

WILLIAMS: They asked him to come back because guess what he said, he knew nothing about his dad --


WATTERS: Adam Schiff is talking about sending people to prison.

PERINO: Emily --

WILLIAMS: No, he said that his dad -- that he knew nothing about construction of a Trump tower in Moscow.

WATTERS: Enough, Juan. There is no collusion.

PERINO: OK. You know, Emily, who benefits in all of this? Lawyers. Lots of lawyers.

GUTFELD: You, Emily.


EMILY COMPAGNO, ATTORNEY: We are all kept busy. Look, I agree with you. Of course, the function is oversight.


COMPAGNO: This is so beyond oversight. This has become a rabid hunting party where all of the resources are being depleted and used solely for this one focus. This like watching a prosecutorial body just focused on one defendant and everyone else is either sleeping through cracks or being ignored.

And when Rashida Tlaib there says, you know, all these people are asking us to do something. Yes, do your job. So, these three winners right now, Nadler, Deutch, and Swalwell who just decided to, you know, introduced this bill to pause or extend the statute of limitations to essentially as you can indict a post-sitting president.

So that's what they were doing. Because I looked up all of their records. Nadler has been on the Hill literally since the dawn of man.

GUTFELD: Literally.

COMPAGNO: And two of his three sponsor bills was a commemorative medal and naming a building and Swalwell naming a post office. And Deutsch I don't even know but it was three bills also in the last like, 10 years.

PERINO: Well, you actually did the research.

COMPAGNO: But, yes. And that's what we're paying them to do. Nadler makes the highest salary on the Hill. It is such an affront to us as citizens that what they were doing -- what they are doing is chasing their tails and chasing this one person.

Because everything has to do with getting President Trump and his family, all I want them to do is their job and focus on the 10.6 million people that go to jail every year. How about those defendants? Who care about the president --


WILLIAMS: Well, let me just say --

PERINO: I was going to give you the last word.

WILLIAMS: If there's no -- if there is nothing there, why don't -- why doesn't the president, why don't his associates and say let's cooperate.

WATTERS: They cooperated for two years for the Mueller report.


WATTERS: Why are you going to hand your enemy a weapon that slip your throat with, Juan.

WILLIAMS: Now we see who's the partisan is.

WATTERS: What do you mean, Juan?

GUTFELD: We got really good fewer male, people.

WILLIAMS: I'm talking about --


PERINO: We got to keep going. Keep going. Conservatives attacking James Comey for his latest comments. You're going to see them next.


COMPAGNO: James Comey showing up on CNN two years after getting fired by the president. He had a lot to say about President Trump, the Mueller report, and alleged spying, and more. Watch.


JAMES COMEY, FORMER FBI DIRECTOR: The president is not above the law, and I don't accept the notion that because the president is the head of the executive branch, he can't ever obstruct justice.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN HOST: Do you think he had criminal incent based on what you have seen now in the Mueller report?

COMEY: It sure looks like he did.

COOPER: So, you think the Russians have leverage over President Trump?

COMEY: I don't know the answer to that.

COOPER: Do you think it's possible?

COMEY: Yes. The FBI doesn't spy to begin with. The FBI investigates.

COOPER: Then why do you think Attorney General Barr used the word spying which is obviously the word that the president has used as well?

COMEY: I can't explain it. I mean, the only explanation I can think of is he used it because the president uses it which is really disappointing.


COMPAGNO: President Trump unloading on Comey, calling him a disgrace to the FBI and its worst director in history.

All right. So, Jesse, I'll start with you.


COMPAGNO: Comey also said that A.G. Barr lost most of his reputation because of how he's -- how he conducted himself. Is that the pot calling the kettle black?

WATTERS: Yes, Comey is not a hero. He is a small -- well, very tall, but pathetic man that really screwed things up. If you think about it, he investigated both presidential candidates, botched both investigations. He got fired, his deputy got fired. His chief investigator got fired.

Then he leaked to trigger a special counsel investigation that found no evidence of the conspiracy which he had pushed and it tore the whole country apart. Can we remind Democrats how much they hate James Comey?


WATTERS: He came up and held a press conference after not charging Hillary and then just slandered her. Totally broke a protocol. And then a week before the election pulled out Weiner's laptop. A lot of Democrats blame him for her loss.

So, at this point you have Comey now polluting two elections, 2016 and the midterms, and possibly a third in 2020. Because if you think about it if Barr goes back and investigates how this whole thing was predicated whether this was politically motivated and whether the rules were broken and they find out they were, who suffers?

If Biden is the nominee, this happened on his watch. He's going to have to answer for that? How is he going to play? Is he going to say, well, I didn't really know about it? Then he just looks like a potted plant. Or if he says, you know, Comey was doing the right thing, then he looks like a collusion truther.

So -- and if you look at the ratings, totally lost his muscle. Tucker beat him by almost double. And his rating from this town hall was much less than it was his first CNN poll.

He is like Avenatti. They are just using him and they are going to toss him to the curb.

COMPAGNO: So, Juan, given all of that, and yet, Comey did also say in that interview that he is going to canvass for 2020 Democrats --


COMPAGNO: -- is he just going to gut the party even more he got another election? Will it help or hurt them?

WILLIAMS: Hurt help -- the Democrats?

COMPAGNO: Or the -- yes, the Democrats if --

WILLIAMS: I don't -- I think Jesse is right about it. I don't think Comey is a hero to Democrats given to what he did to Hillary Clinton and hid the fact that they had an on-going investigation into Russian interference in the campaign, specifically their ties to the Trump campaign.

But I think Jesse is wrong when he says and he got fired. He didn't get fired. He was thrown out by President Trump and people argue whether or not that was part of Trump's effort to obstruct or interfere with the Mueller investigation. But my --


WATTERS: And Mueller said that there is no obstruction.

WILLIAMS: But my feeling is this, that when you hear him respond to Bill Barr on the spying thing, you're not just hearing Jim Comey. You're hearing a lot of people, FBI, the intelligence community, including Christopher Wray, the Republican current head of the FBI who says he doesn't know of any evidence of any spying by the FBI.

There's just nothing like this. And you worry that in fact, as Comey said in that interview, Bill Barr has simply become the president's lawyer as opposed to the attorney general of the United States.

COMPAGNO: Dana, I want to get your prediction for what you think is going to happen to Comey. Like, what, literally what is going to his future?

PERINO: A prediction?


PERINO: I don't know. I was thinking about the choice. Everybody gets a choice on how they want to conduct their life and how they want to deal with their public service after they retire or force retirement or firing.

So, you think about James Comey. He's not liked by either side, really. But then the Democrats were sort of like, well, maybe we could like him a little bit if he could hurt President Trump.

Meantime, you've got somebody like Mueller who was in retirement, comes out of retirement to do this. Nobody could pick -- nobody knows what his voice sounds like. He doesn't do any press. He's like he doesn't want to do that.

And it's a really interesting thing about a decision that you make. In some ways, Comey is a little bit like the Giuliani legal team. Which was that you stay on offense, stay in front. Stay in front of the camera. Always be hitting, and always be trying to score points, always try to get in front of the story so that you can deflect attention about yourself.

COMPAGNO: Greg, what are your thoughts on Mr. Comey --


GUTFELD: Well, as you probably know, I don't like tall people. And you can clearly see from that show him sitting down, he is still taller than me.

COMPAGNO: Definitely.

GUTFELD: OK. Forget Comey. Let's focus on CNN. Do you know what CNN is? Remember in a high school let's say a friend of yours got dumped and that your friend immediately hooks up with someone new to parade that new hook up in front of the ex that dump him, that's CNN with Comey, right?

Because you know, they are just using him, as you say, to get back at Trump because Trump kind of dumped him. Remember with CNN and MSNBC that really helped elect Trump, you know, it was -- it wasn't -- we had plenty to choose from in the field.


GUTFELD: But they focused on Trump. So, Trump dumps him. So now they're like, CNN is walking around with Comey. Hey, check me out. Look who is here.


WATTERS: It's good analogy, Greg. I got to tip my --

GUTFELD: You like it.

WATTERS: I like it.

GUTFELD: And it fits the profit motive for CNN which is all about conflict. All of the stories at CNN if you think about it in the last like five or six years are about conflict. If you think about their police brutality narratives and the racism and the hate crimes, these are all designed to separate us. So, this fits perfectly with CNN's profit motive.


GUTFELD: Anyway, and he is tall too. And I don't like tall people.

WATTERS: Can I address something that Juan said. I hate to do this, Juan.


WATTERS: If you look at so many --


PERINO: I'm pretty --

WATTERS: That's why I love to do it.

GUTFELD: We don't have enough time for --

WATTERS: If you look at someone's phone calls and e-mails.

WILLIAMS: Yes, sir.

WATTERS: And if you send undercover agents to someone and if you use overseas agents against someone, and if you unmask people and tried to get into their business, I think most people think that's spying. You can call it an investigation. But real people when they talk, they call that spying.

WILLIAMS: No. So, I guess now Christopher Wray, the FBI director, he's some left-wing loon in your opinion?


WATTERS: No. I just think he had difference with the way he characterizes it.

GUTFELD: Finally, Juan, you're speaking the truth.

WILLIAMS: I just think that -- no. I just think that if you have Russia interfering in our election and our prime domestic organization for criminal investigation, the FBI, fail to do anything. Jesse, you and I could join hands and say that's outrageous. They are doing their job.


WATTERS: We will never join hands Juan. We will never do that.

WILLIAMS: Well, because, I know him.

PERINO: Come on, join hands.

WILLIAMS: There you go.

PERINO: Everybody.

COMPAGNO: All right, you guys. Are scandal-plagued social media companies too powerful? The latest example next. Stick with us.


WILLIAMS: A co-founder of Facebook is blasting CEO Mark Zuckerberg calling Zuckerberg's power unprecedented and un-American. Chris Hughes explains why he's urging the government to step in and break up the social media giant.


CHRIS HUGHES, CO-FOUNDER, FACEBOOK: The Facebook that exist today is not the Facebook that we founded in 2004. And the one that we have today I think it's far too big, it's far too powerful, and most importantly, its CEO Mark Zuckerberg is not accountable.


WILLIAMS: Facebook is pushing back. They're rejecting Hughes' proposal as completely out of touch.

With numerous scandals brewing including censorship, privacy, social media mobs, and election interference. Do big tech companies have too much power or is this going too far? Emily, what do you think, too much power for one company?

COMPAGNO: You could argue that. I think what's so interesting about their little tiff is that each are arguing for intervention by the government. So, Zuckerberg's answer was we're going to create internet rules. That's the only way to kind of, have everyone get on board. And it's me working with elected officials to do so to create this system and then which we will adhere to, but made a sense grammatically.

But then the other guy, that his roommate was the one that was like, and the government needs to break it up. So, I just think it's interesting that given Zuckerberg's kind of position this whole time where it's incumbent upon him the social responsibility and all the responsibly in his shoulders. Why doesn't he just do it himself?

Quick second there, he points, it's not quite a monopoly if it's an elective situation and there's no stifling of introduction of competing things. Meaning anyone can create a similar platform. It's not Facebook's fault if they are better than them. And you could argue in the (Inaudible) then that's when the DOJ steps in and breaks it up.

WILLIAMS: But I think that, in fact, others have tried but Facebook dominating and really has been quite the successful competitor. But the -- so the question then is, what's to be done? And Zuckerberg says they are looking at encrypted very private types of communications but that hasn't put in. Is that a solution for you, Jesse?

WATTERS: He would know. I have no idea. But here's what happened, Juan. Obama used Facebook to get elected, then Trump uses Facebook to get elected. And then the Democrats get upset because Hillary loses and then blame Facebook for Hillary losing.

The Russian bots, the fake news. And so, they bring up Zuckerberg to testify and they say you better start regulating Facebook. So, what is -- what do they want him to do? They want him to get rid of fake news, AKA, news the mainstream media doesn't like, and they want him to ban conservatives.

So, he starts doing that. And then conservatives start hating Facebook. So, this one anything gets done in Washington is when liberals hate something and conservatives hate something. So, Liz Warren gets together with Ted Cruz and they wanted too anti-trust action.

But here's what he's going to do. He is just going to shower these senators with so much cash, he's going to hire a bunch of lobbyists, probably six of them and they are going to send the right money to the right people. He's probably built some satellite offices in the right districts to help these guys out --

PERINO: Kentucky?

WATTERS: Kentucky always a great location. Just to buy time until Congress loses its focus and starts fighting another enemy.

WILLIAMS: All right.

PERINO: By the way, I would put an office in Kentucky.

WILLIAMS: Yes. Yes. Mitch would appreciate that. Dana, when you think about some of the realities of Facebook, social media mobs on top of election interference. I mean, you know, things like Rohingya Muslims being killed.


WILLIAMS: As a result of, you know, kind of hate being fed to them on Facebook.

PERINO: Here's the thing about that. So, I'm skeptical of the government being able to help. I'm skeptical of breaking up Facebook and creating like a 1,000 other Facebooks and then expecting that to help?

The fact that human nature is what it is. And the autocratic governments like in Myanmar or Burma doesn't -- basically they have no media. So the government uses Facebook in order to disseminate information. And then Facebook is expected to hire enough translators to speak every dialect in that country in order to police it.

I don't see how -- I understand there is a problem. I don't understand how the government is to help. And to Chris Hughes --


WILLIAMS: Well, hang on, hang on.

PERINO: Go ahead.

WILLIAMS: Let's go back to that. Because China has been very aggressive and we, as Americans find it offensive.


PERINO: Well, first of all, China does not allow Facebook in.

WILLIAMS: Well, no, but they allow other apps and they control them.

PERINO: Exactly, I'm not for that either.

WILLIAMS: That's what I was asking. So I mean in fact they do -- you know--

PERINO: No, they're controlling people like, we don't do that here.


PERINO: And also Facebook is an American company. We just stand up -- what if we -- what about -- what about standing up for an American company.


PERINO: And also Chris Hughes, he's a billionaire because of Facebook.


PERINO: He admits that. Right? OK. He's like, but I really wish that I hadn't. But also think about the politics. His husband is a Sean Eldridge. He did not win his election in 2014. I smell a political comeback. Because what could -- what is the safest thing to do right now if you are running to run for office and you want to get money from a liberal base?

Because you pay no price for being against the tech companies, because now you can -- tobacco's done -- pharma -- everybody is against pharma now. Bangs is kind of like over with -- Elizabeth Warren locked that up. But you can go after a big tech and you pay no price for that.

WATTERS: You can actually get money, because then they'll start donating--

GUTFELD: Silicon Valley is--

PERINO: The six lobbyists.

WILLIAMS: Wait a minute -- (CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: --is the new Wall Street. Everybody hates it.


WILLIAMS: So Greg, we live in a situation where some people may say, you know what, Facebook's too big to fail. It's just so huge, but I wanted to ask you, just like I asked Dana about the social media mobs -- about -- I mean right now there's -- you can still go on there and you find violence - - screaming violence, incidents of violence.

GUTFELD: Violence is everywhere. It's -- I wonder how many marriages have been broken up by Facebook, maybe it's time to break them up too. Anyway, I agree with Dana you just break them up into one and you think one monster and turn it into a 100 little monsters.

WATTERS: Yes, do we get to keep our followers?

GUTFELD: I don't know. Do we have all independent Facebooks?


GUTFELD: Here's it, but I also have to go back to what you were saying, because this was my original talking point, which you kind of stole, but that's OK.

PERINO: I actually just had the same thought.

GUTFELD: I know, I know, sometimes we share thoughts. I questioned the source of the person being interviewed. The media will often take any narrative, like we did Comey, as long as it fits their context, right? There they were looking for an angle, find the jilted person in this story.

So something went down between him and Zuckerberg that didn't that didn't go right, so this guy is a score to settle, so he goes on, so Comey has a score to settle, ex pornstars have scores to settle, Tom Arnold has scores to settle. Everybody who hates Trump has a score to settle, so they just go on. And they should actually present the context why is this guy so pissed off.

WATTERS: They probably didn't even ask.

GUTFELD: Yes, they didn't did that. I hate that network.

PERINO: Well, he is made because of the civility -- lack of civility.

WILLIAMS: Well, I think everybody knows who Mr. Hughes is, the question is about Facebook and social media in our age, that's a big question.


WILLIAMS: A big update too is coming one on our favorite Russian spy whale and an intense bear brawl, you got to see this caught on tape. In addition, a special Friday surprise from THE FIVE. You won't want to miss any of it. It's all up next in the "Fastest 7"


WATTERS: Welcome back time for the "Fastest 7". First up. Our favorite suspected Russian whale is back and better than before. He's a spy.


WATTERS: Check out this amazing video of the beluga, that's still hanging off the coast of Norway. The friendly whale showing off its talents by helping a woman get back her phone that she dropped in the water. THE FIVE is all over this story.

GUTFELD: I don't think people understand what -- that's an amazing video, because you can see the whale coming up, holding the phone. I thought this was completely doctored. We have to offer this whale asylum immediately. Get him over here, get a White House -- right in front.

I mean, this -- and look how happy -- the funny thing is that's a fake smile.


GUTFELD: That's -- spies learn that.

WATTERS: You know, what I want to issue a apology. I said the whale was like some pet. I think this thing's well trained.

GUTFELD: No, that's a spy.

WATTERS: I think this thing is a spy whale, I stand corrected, probably the only fellow who is still wrong on the show.

PERINO: I love the whale. I think it's great. And also the thing is he's so nice, even though -- like, if people take your picture in the street, if they drop your phone, do you help them pick it up?

WATTERS: No. But my phone?

PERINO: Yes, you would -- no like if they're taking a picture and they drop their phone. It's like oh let me help you with that.

WATTERS: Of course, yes.

PERINO: That's kind.

WATTERS: Yes, it's a very nice whale.

GUTFELD: I wonder if he took a picture of himself before he handed it back. So he get back and said, wholly crap--

PERINO: Or also, maybe he have downloaded the entire phone into his brain and is already given it to the Russian.

WATTERS: That's right, that's the spying, we've been talking about Williams.

WILLIAMS: I can't do this straight. I love baby beluga. I love all that. But I kind of think is this James Bond, is this like get smart, because that guy is hanging around. He's up to something Jesse. I don't know what it is.

WATTERS: Do you think there is spy inside the whale, that's got -- the computer.

WILLIAMS: But I really appreciate that it could get THE FIVE to say yes to asylum. That was a -- that's a real triumph.


PERINO: Yes, I like asylum.

WATTERS: What do you think Emily?

COMPAGNO: Just that he's the cutest thing in the world. I just love him so much, and he reminds me of this guy Popeye, which is that one-eyed seal in Friday Harbor in Washington and everyone would come and see him and feed him until he bit someone. But he was like--

GUTFELD: Until he bit someone -- then they shot him.

WATTERS: Not well trained.

PERINO: This is why you're not supposed to feed them.

COMPAGNO: Totally, yes. And he was my screensaver on my phone for a long time. But -- oh, I wanted to say that. I want that -- I want somebody to vet this sanctuary--

WATTERS: Throw me everything--

COMPAGNO: --that they're bringing in. No, that they're in this beluga too. I want somebody to vet the sanctuary and tell me that he'll have friends there. You guys he's going to a sanctuary in Iceland. So we need to make sure that it's a comfortable happy place for him--

WILLIAMS: You know, you speak like he bit your hand

WATTERS: Let's move on guys. We've done enough -- up next, imagine looking out your window and seeing this going down in the front yard.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Look at the size of that. (bleep) Get ready, he's getting in house.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Right in our front yard.



UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Get ready, come in.



WATTERS: So one of the guys, of course, he is from Jersey, was recording this and he thinks it was two male black bears fighting over a female, isn't that always what it's about.

GUTFELD: I saw the same thing last night two bears fighting, but it was in "The Village". You know, it looked that that's Alec and Steve Baldwin fighting politics -- two big hairy guys from Long Island.

PERINO: It's -- they're modern bears. They used to -- men used to fight over women and now they just fight over Wi-Fi.

WATTERS: Corny jokes in the "Fastest", I like it.

WILLIAMS: I don't know what to make of that. I mean are they really fighting, are they dancing. Is it some kind of ritual? I don't know what's going on. But where's the female, by the way? Wouldn't the female be--

GUTFELD: --get out of your gender roles, Juan, maybe they want to be together. They're men.

WILLIAMS: Oh, that's right. Maybe they were bears.

GUTFELD: They're bears.

WILLIAMS: Maybe, you saw them in "The Village", not in -- Chelsea (ph).

WATTERS: Men always fight over a woman.

COMPAGNO: Well, that's like my dream to look out the window and see that. I mean that's amazing. I also feel like given how big -- no, I just like wild animals. I feel like they are fighting pretty -- like--

PERINO: They are vicious.

COMPAGNO: Yes. Like they're kind of doing that--

PERINO: Also, Emily, we don't see those either--

WATTERS: --the whole thing we're not going to feed. All right. This is finally -- this is the best part of the show. They have a new Snapchat filter that makes users look like a baby, so we use it on ourselves. Here I am. Adorable. I look the same.

PERINO: Big hair.

WILLIAMS: Did you look like that as a baby?

WATTERS: Yes, I did.

WILLIAMS: Oh, wow.

GUTFELD: Hideous.

WATTERS: Great complexion. Everybody wants to cuddle me. Here's Dana Perino.

PERINO: It's like--

WATTERS: Oh, my God.

GUTFELD: No difference.

COMPAGNO: Oh, my God.

WATTERS: You are like spanners right there. Wow, so precious. Here is Juan. Well, what happened to your head?


COMPAGNO: Oh, my God.

GUTFELD: It's nothing wrong here.

WILLIAMS: I think I need more hair. Oh, my God, need more hair.

WATTERS: But you're so cute Juan.

WILLIAMS: There you go.

WATTERS: We get to stick pacifier in your mouth. And there -- you look the same. Yes, exactly the same.

COMPAGNO: My face is not that fat normally, look at those cheeks. It's creepy. I think that's a creepy photo.

WATTERS: No, that's fine and baby Greg.

GUTFELD: We didn't see this one.

WATTERS: Drop the banner, he is too short. Oh, boy.

COMPAGNO: Oh, my God. You look like Beetlejuice.


COMPAGNO: Tiny head--

GUTFELD: But this race -- OK. This raises an interesting question. What if you say that that child is ugly, it's ugly. It is that bullying, if that child doesn't exist?


GUTFELD: Like if we make fun of that -- no, but actually it is.

WATTERS: Put Greg back up. We put Greg back.

GUTFELD: If you're making fun -- I'm that baby could be -- I have a sneaking suspicion there just using somebody else's body and putting--

WATTERS: There he is.

WILLIAMS: It looks like he's got a--


WATTERS: Pretty eye lashes, Greg.

COMPAGNO: He doesn't have teeth.

GUTFELD: See what I mean? Now, is this is bullying? They're bullying a child version of me. So is that weird?

WILLIAMS: No, no, no.

GUTFELD: That kid doesn't exist or does he?

WATTERS: It's like throwing Trump in jail for the hoax that never happened.

GUTFELD: There you go.

WATTERS: Perfect analogy.

GUTFELD: Bring it back to Trump.

WATTERS: Always. All right. We got a filter that changes us into women or women into men--

GUTFELD: They wouldn't let us use it.

WATTERS: It's too controversial. We were worried about Greg would say.

GUTFELD: Oh, me.

WATTERS: "Fan Mail Friday" is up next.


GUTFELD: Yes, we're surfing music. All right, first question. What is the strangest place for -- for Fan Mail Friday that is. "What is the strangest place you've ever awaken to after a night out?" Emily?


WILLIAMS: What is strange?

GUTFELD: So why is that strange?

COMPAGNO: Because there is no strange. Please I've ever looking--


COMPAGNO: That's what I'm saying.

GUTFELD: Clarification. Oh Jesse.

COMPAGNO: I'm a good girl.

WATTERS: Yes. Well, I mean I hate to admit this. I did wake up on the sidewalk one time. Someone kicked me and said wake up and it was like 5:00 a.m. I hopped up, got in the cab and went home.


GUTFELD: O'Reilly (ph) was always helpful. Juan?

WILLIAMS: When I was in high school -- this is prom season. So I went to prom and we were having a wild party, and I woke up in a barn.

GUTFELD: In a barn?

WILLIAMS: A barn. And it's not clear to me exactly why I was in the barn. But I was in the barn and so -- I mean, it's -- as you can see--

COMPAGNO: Wow, the mind boggles.


WILLIAMS: I'm a city kid, so that's--


WATTERS: --in the haystack, Juan.

GUTFELD: That's how he learned the shovel maneuver. All right, Dana, with best for last.

PERINO: I think, I'm going to say El Paso. Remember, the flight?

GUTFELD: Oh, yes. Yes, she stole the plane.

PERINO: No, I didn't.

GUTFELD: She stole the plane.

PERINO: I woke up in a plane.

WATTERS: The legend--

GUTFELD: I woke up in a flower patch in Chicago. I lost my friends, we were out drinking and I went to sleep in somebody's flower patch in Chicago.

WATTERS: Comfortable?

GUTFELD: Yes. And I wasn't that young. It was last week.

Question from Sally, oh great question. "Do any of you write -- or let's say I've written poetry." How about that? Poetry Dana? You seem the type.

PERINO: I am an excellent haiku writer.

GUTFELD: That's not poetry.

COMPAGNO: Yes, it is.

PERINO: Excuse me--

GUTFELD: It doesn't rhyme. It's like playing tennis without a net.

PERINO: Disagree.

WATTERS: I got hammered one night in high school and wrote some poetry and it actually got published in the school journal.

GUTFELD: Oh, wow.

PERINO: Maybe she got so mad.

WATTERS: Yes, I know, she wasn't. She was valedictorian, though.

GUTFELD: Juan, I bet you write poetry?

WILLIAMS: No I used to when I was in college high school I wrote poetry. But not now. Now I write nonfiction.

WATTERS: I call it fiction.


WILLIAMS: You call it fake news.


COMPAGNO: I won a poetry contest in seventh grade -- like accidentally. You all had to submit a poem like it was part of our class or whatever and then and I won.

PERINO: You remember it?

COMPAGNO: Yes. I wrote -- it was like diversity -- oh no, I don't--

WATTERS: It was about diversity?

COMPAGNO: Yes. It was basically about -- is -- this is too cheesy. But anyway, the funniest part is that--

WATTERS: Roses are red--

COMPAGNO: No, no--

GUTFELD: It was very fast roses are red, violets are blue -- whatever--

COMPAGNO: --son of the science teacher ended up being a prosecutor on the other side of a case like yours later, which is kind of funny.

GUTFELD: It is a funny story.

COMPAGNO: Yes, totally.

GUTFELD: I write poetry every day here on “The Five,” it's called my monologues. Actually every guy wrote a poem for a girl, because--

PERINO: They don't rhyme either.

GUTFELD: Yes, they're terrible -- I mean the poems. Murray, writes "What wild animal would you love to pet if you could do so safely?" Your hands are already up.

COMPAGNO: God, I mean, just every big cat, everything furry, fuzzy -- a wolf, obviously a wolf.

GUTFELD: A wolf, obviously, Juan a wolf.

WILLIAMS: Big cats -- cheetahs, jaguars. I mean -- but the thing is, I -- if you touch something like a pig, you realize that's bristly.

GUTFELD: It's gross. Yes, yes, yes.

WILLIAMS: Yes, its gross.

WATTERS: --was touching pigs all day. You--


WATTERS: He is knee deep in slime.

PERINO: That's the daily briefing.

WATTERS: I petted Tasmanian devil.

GUTFELD: Really.

WILLIAMS: Are you real?

GUTFELD: I believe.

COMPAGNO: They're small.

PERINO: I want to pet a koala bear.

GUTFELD: Apparently they're not nice. They're very snooty.

PERINO: I want to pet a nice.

GUTFELD: They are very snooty. The more adorable -- I want -- I did pet a wallaby.

WATTERS: Oh, cool.

GUTFELD: Is that interesting?

PERINO: Would you want to pet a sloth?

GUTFELD: I would love a sloth. They have a sticky stuff at the end of their fingers and I think it can kill you. But they're so adorable.

WILLIAMS: But you know what once I was in China and I got to go where they breed pandas. They took me behind the scenes and I got to pet pandas. And again, it's not soft--

PERINO: Yes, stink. They have too much--

GUTFELD: They don't even like -- we don't have anything fun to pet human beings. We don't have any fur.

Last question, "If you had to be an inanimate object for a year what would it be?" Jesse--

WATTERS: I would--

GUTFELD: Not you.

WATTERS: OK. I'm going to change my answer. I would be something in your house, so I could just listen to you go crazy all night long.

PERINO: Yes, like his Alexa.

WILLIAMS: Yes, yes.

COMPAGNO: I would be my '72 Mach 1.


WILLIAMS: You'd be a car.

COMPAGNO: I'd be the car. I'd be my car.

WILLIAMS: That's tough. I don't know, maybe I'd like to be a skyscraper.

WATTERS: Trump Tower?

WILLIAMS: No, I'm out.

GUTFELD: Americans inside you every day.

WILLIAMS: Yes, there you go.

PERINO: Fighter jet.

GUTFELD: That's good. Fighter jet, that's great. That's good. I want to be fighter jet. No I think I'd be a bridge. I'll just be a bridge.

PERINO: Oh, god, yes -- across humanity.

GUTFELD: Then you always have -- you'll have people on your back, feel pretty good, right?

WATTERS: You'd be better as the wall.

GUTFELD: Yes, I would be the wall. That's a better answer. Dammit it, should have thought about it. "One More Thing" up next.


PERINO: Time now for "One More Thing", Jesse?

WATTERS: Happy National Shrimp Day, everybody including Dana and Greg.


WATTERS: Shell fish and they're disgusted by the smell of it. But I think it's delicious, and it's a healthy food option.

GUTFELD: Not the shrimp--

WATTERS: This is shrimp Del Frisco's delivered by Sofia and Eleana (ph) Watters. Thank you girls very much. Also Watters World 8:00 p.m. Eastern, we have Lara Trump, also we have a psychedelic guru to discuss the decriminalization of magic mushrooms in Denver. Take your pick.

PERINO: All right, Juan.

WILLIAMS: All right. So before I get started, I wanted to say Happy Mother's Day to all the moms in my life past and present and all you moms out there, we love you. And I want to say, moms don't do this. Take a look at this video if you will.


WILLIAMS: Two women trying to take pictures on jagged rocks on a Hawaiian island. As you see they survived the first wave, but the second wave, that's a different story. Watch this.

All right happy to say that women were not injured. But their cameras -- cameras didn't fare as well.

WATTERS: Maybe the whale can find it.

WILLIAMS: By the way, here the kicker to this story. After all that when they got back to their car, they had a ticket, it had been parked illegally. This was no day at the beach folks.


PERINO: I want to congratulate Holley Vega, she has been named the 2019 Armed Forces Insurance Military Spouse of the Year, recognized for her outstanding commitment to the military community and volunteer work with the American Heart Association and the L.I.N.K.S. program.

She's been a marine spouse for 18 years, experienced 10 changes of station at six different bases and three deployments. This year's honor saw more than 1,200 nominations and a national selection process yielding more than 100,000 votes. So congratulations to Holly. Holly's husband is Lieutenant Colonel Javier Vega and they have three children. They are amazing.


PERINO: All right, Greg.

GUTFELD: All right. The Greg Gutfeld Show tomorrow at 10 o'clock got some great guests. Somebody named Emily Compagno, got the comedian Kris Fried, Emily Compagno and Kat Timpf and Tyrus and Emily Compagno. Now that's tomorrow night, you better watch it at 10 p.m.

Time for this. "Greg's Lou Dobbs". We haven't done "Lou Dobbs News" in a while. He got a new car -- got a new car. Let's take a look at it.


GUTFELD: It's a brand new Bentley that actually has a giant tank treads we're -- they're having it delivered to Lou Dobbs' his house from a Russian mechanic. Yes, so this is what -- how Lou Dobbs gets to work now. Just rolls over and -- just other cars. It's pretty amazing.

WILLIAMS: Why a Russian mechanic?

GUTFELD: I don't know.

WILLIAMS: They do good work, Juan.

GUTFELD: Exactly. Now Russians are like the new bad people.

PERINO: Emily, you have an entire minute to do your "One More Thing".

WATTERS: But still speak at the same speed.

GUTFELD: We could do the whole show.

COMPAGNO: This is a good one seriously. When we all get fired from Fox, this is going to be our next job here. For $93,000 a year you can be a luxury yacht tester, you guys. So apparently there's this site and it's called hush-hush.

And it's the luxury Amazon essentially, and these guys need someone to live on all these different yachts and you make $2,000 a week and you live, eat sleep on the yacht and you review up to 50 a year. You don't need any--

GUTFELD: You're going to hate it.

COMPAGNO: --experience required. So see you guys in a year.

GUTFELD: No, when the job is that good, you end up hating the job. Like, "Oh, I want to be a beer taster or a -- "

PERINO: And that they are having to advertise for someone to do this job--

GUTFELD: Exactly.

PERINO: --tells you that it's not a good job.

GUTFELD: --it's a scam. They kidnap you. They have you come on there and it's a sex slave ship. It's a sex slave ship.


WATTERS: You turned a nice job into a horrible show.

WILLIAMS: Well, I think you would be pretty lonely, because you can't happen to -- you switch ships--

PERINO: I don't know.

GUTFELD: Pilot ship that's what it is.

PERINO: That's it for us, are you glad? We'll see you back here on Monday, though. Have a great weekend, everybody from “The Five.”

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