Honoring the life and legacy of George H.W. Bush

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Gutfeld on the passing of George Herbert Walker Bush

It's not a bad thing to use George H.W. Bush's death as an excuse to make life better: less finger pointing, more handshakes.

This is a rush transcript from "The Five," December 4, 2018. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: Hi, I'm Greg Gutfeld with Lisa Boothe, Juan Williams, Jesse Watters, and a thin bowl is her ice bucket, Dana Perino -- "The Five."

This is video of George Herbert Walker Bush when he crashed into the sea as a young pilot. It's what we call a hero. If you're young playing video games, shopping online, or fulminating on Facebook, it's because of something called leisure time. And leisure time was brought to you by millions of men and women whose bravery in times of war made our idle activity possible. I wonder, would we even be here if it weren't for men like him?

The passing of George Herbert Walker Bush reminds me of the recent passing of John McCain. It also reminds me that only losing great men and women unifies people. We try to forget a whole about the other crap. In fact, we realize much of that crap is pointless. People come and go on our planet and in our lives, and it helps to remember that all of us have something in common with the great ones. With the exception of a few chuckle buckets who use such events to score political points. It's actually a share loss that reveals how we really are.

None of us tweets in the face of death. Kinder and gentler, remember those words? It's a return to the baseline of human goodness. A great person dies and we can observe the rituals with reverence and respect, as though it's second nature. God help those who can't. It's possible best to ignore them. So for this week, it's not a bad thing to use this passing of a great man as an excuse to make life better, less finger-pointing, more handshakes. I'm sure in time we'll get back to our tribes, but for now let's do the guy a favor. Be kind and gentle in case he's watching.

So, Dana, I'm sitting, actually, in your chair which I feel quite strange.

JESSE WATTERS, CO-HOST: So do I.

GUTFELD: Yes. I don't like being this close to Jesse.

WATTERS: Yep. Stop touching me under the table.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: So, Dana, your -- the reverence lasted ten seconds.

WATTERS: I'm sorry.

GUTFELD: It's OK.

WATTERS: I started it.

GUTFELD: Yes. Dana, you're in D.C. -- the state funeral tomorrow, what are your thoughts? Anything that moved you particularly today?

DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: Yes. Well, it's obviously an honor to be here and to be able to have known them and to talk about them. I thought your monologue was spot on, Greg.

GUTFELD: Thank you.

PERINO: Spot bloody on. Very good. A couple of things that touched me today, I got a chance to interview Vice President Dan Quayle --

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: -- and to look back in 1988 when he gave the convention speech then. And, of course, you know, I remember that time. I'm sure you guys do, too. Maybe Jesse doesn't, might be too young. Maybe Lisa Boothe wasn't paying attention there because she's so young as well. But it does -- you realize that things change. Parties evolve. People have a way of sort of forgetting what things were like back then. So moments like this allow you a chance to pause. The moment that really touched me today though was when Senator Bob Dole --

GUTFELD: Right.

PERINO: -- went to the capital. He's 95 years old. And as you see there, he is helped by an assistant to stand so that he could properly and in his way pay his respects to George H.W. Bush, who was a very good friend of his. Of course, they were competitors but friendly competitors. But, Greg, I think it was last week we were talking about the greatest generation. I'm sorry, actually, it was Andy Ferguson's piece --

GUTFELD: Right.

PERINO: -- he was a friend of yours and a speech writer for George H.W. Bush, and he wrote about a speech he had to give in which, in 1992 and during his reelection, the political consultant said don't talk about his war service. Don't let him talk about his war service because it will make him look too old --

GUTFELD: Right.

PERINO: -- in comparison to Bill Clinton. Then, four weeks before the election, the political consultants changed their mind and think, oh, wait, maybe we should highlight his war service. And he writes this speech, at the end of it he says -- in the article he wrote, Ferguson says, nearly all of them are gone now. And I think maybe that's why it feels very poignant --

GUTFELD: Yeah.

PERINO: -- like this greatest generation, we're having to say goodbye to them.

GUTFELD: It's true. It's not just Mr. Bush, it's who he symbolizes, an entire -- millions of men that are no longer here. Juan, you worked for -- I mean, you're at the Post in '88? I mean, you probably ran into President Bush when he was president or vice president.

JUAN WILLIAMS, CO-HOST: He was vice president, that's when I spend most of the time with him was flying around the country going to Republican events to try to help get Ronald Reagan reelected, Greg. And so I had a wonderful time. It was kind of like, you know, being at the feet of the master because you talk about a political -- he had been head of the Republican National Committee in addition to running twice for senate unsuccessfully, but then holding a house seat twice from Houston.

So he had been through a lot politically. He knew all the political leadership going back to the Goldwater days of '64. And you talk about a Republican Party expert in terms of -- I was just saying, you know, he's famous for writing notes to people and I'm sure Dana has a ton. I have some. But he would write notes to all these party leaders so that they felt that they had a personal relationship with him.

And the axiom here was don't call somebody up to ask a favor, a political favor, a personal favor, right out of the box without saying how are you doing? Who are you? How are the kids? And that's the relationship he had. So that even people who disagreed with him, specifically, I would guess, you know, in this day of tribes as you say, Greg, the Democrats, oh, my gosh, Democrats had a pretty good relationship.

I mean, didn't always come to good political ends because remember in terms of the budget deal where he allowed taxes to be raised in order to lower the deficit, it was then held against him by some in the party, especially the far right, the Newt Gingrich types who said, oh, you know, you're breaking your pledge not to raise taxes. Read my lips, no new taxes. But this is a, you know, an example, I keep saying that I would hold up to my children as the kind of person that you want to be. Someone who is about public service, love of country, love of family, just a -- and treated people as individuals, not as, gee, I'm George H.W. Bush, and who are you?  No, it was like tell me about you.

GUTFELD: Jesse, thoughts?

WATTERS: Just some personal reflections because I kind of came up under the age of Bush. You know, he was the vice presidency when I was young, and then his presidency, and then his son's presidency, kind of form to, I thought, a great statesman in America would be. Just a few things come to mind, humility, dignity, class and love. You think about he oversaw America winning the cold war.

That was a time where he could have said America just beat our chests and gloat and spike the football. Instead, he didn't. And he said absolutely nothing. And that silence was very important at that time and that was a very powerful moment. I think he was, you know, raised in the prep school, boarding school era where, you know, good sportsmanship is drilled into you. And he always won with class and dignity.

Also when he kicked Saddam out of Kuwait, he had an opportunity to rush to Baghdad and overthrow the entire government. And he was humble enough to know the limitations of American military power. And I think everyone, Republicans and Democrats, look back at that and say that was a very wise and humble and noble decision. Juan picked up on a few things. The personal relationships he had with people, professional relationships, friendships, he really conducted it in a classy way. He communicated on stationary or picking up the phone. And he did that for so many decades that he generated so much goodwill.

And towards the end, the Republican Party was the party of Bush. The rolodex, all of the people that he knew, the networks across the entire country, just had so much honor and reverence for him and his family that when he called and asked for something it was sure. It wasn't a political favor. It was you're doing something for a friend. And then lastly, love.

In terms of his relationship with Barbara and his sons publicly, at least, you'd think a man of his generation wouldn't be conditioned to show that kind of affection towards other people, especially his family in public.  But his love and affection, the way he displayed it was very modern. He wasn't afraid of embracing people and crying and articulating that love.  And I think every father and every son in this country should look at the relationship that he had with his sons and say that is how a true father- son relationship should be.

LISA BOOTHE, GUEST CO-HOST: Was going to say, I found myself this week reading his letters, and I think there's been so much talk about his integrity, kindness, the kind of man he was. And if you read his letters, you can see it. And, you know, the written word always lasts so much longer than, you know, what you say on TV, or what you say during a debate, or what have you. And that's a beautiful thing for him because what a great legacy to leave behind.

And, you know, Vice President Mike Pence talked about this yesterday when the former president -- when he wrote a letter to his son when he landed his first tail hook landing as a marine aviator and saying that he shares the pride that Mike Pence has in his son. You look at the letter he left Bill Clinton saying that you're our president, I am rooting for you, even though he defeated him and he was a one term president. What a beautiful thing to have that sort of character to leave that message for Bill Clinton.

You look at the love letters to Barbara and what a beautiful, loving relationship that they had as a couple. The letter that he wrote about his daughter Robin who they've lost, and talking about the fact that she's always going to remain with them. So just all these letters, what a beautiful legacy for him to leave behind for future Americans to see the kind of integrity that the man had.

WILLIAMS: So, Dana, what's going to happen tomorrow at the funeral?

PERINO: Well, you'll have eulogies from George W. Bush. I think that one will be hard for me to get through because, you know, I'm quite close to him, and as Christopher Buckley, another speechwriter wrote, that they might have been New England roots but they have the tear ducts of a Sicilian grandmother. Then you have Brian Mulroney who was a prime minister of Canada, one of 41's best friends on the world stage. Former Senator Alan Simpson from the great state of Wyoming will also eulogize him, and then it will be finalized with John Meacham, you know, the historian who wrote so much about him. The last thing I would say is something that Greg -- I think you and I said this several times, 41 really embodied this and we should all keep this in mind. Politics might be what we do, but it is not who we are.

WILLIAMS: Yeah.

GUTFELD: All right. Thanks, Dana. Is Mueller finally ready to wrap up his investigation? The latest development in the Russia probe, that's next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

WATTERS: New signs of Robert Mueller so called witch hunt is reportedly close to wrapping up. Yahoo News says the special counsel's legal team told President Trump's attorneys that they are, quote, tying up loose ends in the Russia investigation. This comes as new court filings due today on former national security advisor Michael Flynn could offer a road map to the Mueller findings. All right, so we're waiting the sentencing memo, Lisa. We have no idea what's going to be in it, but there's a lot of speculation. One of the things we do know is that James Comey did tell congressional investigators that he didn't think Flynn intentionally lied when the feds questioned him.

BOOTHE: And that's been something that's been in the back of my mind this entire time regarding Flynn. Because you're right, Chairman Chuck Grassley of the judiciary committee has said that when Comey met with congressional investigators, the investigators led them to believe that they didn't think Flynn had lied. And then Mueller takes over the special counsel investigation and then Flynn pleads to lying and pleads guilty to lying.  So -- and then also, Chairman Grassley has been on DOJ and the FBI to, one, give them the 302's with the interview that they conducted with Flynn so that they could see what kind of questions were, what Flynn said.

And they've also asked for the transcript of Flynn's conversation with the former ambassador, Kislyak, as well. None of those things have been provided to the chairman yet. So I have a big question about that, did Flynn actually lie and that the tactics -- I think it also speaks to sort of the tactics of Mueller as well. Those hard-nose tactics.

WATTERS: Right. And speaking of hard-nosed tactics, Cohen the former attorney for President Trump, do to be sentenced next week. And, Juan, it looks like he's caught up in some Trump Tower that doesn't even exist in Moscow. Somehow there's a scandal there, but he's facing hard time as well.

WILLIAMS: How's that, whistling past the graveyard going for you, Jesse?

BOOTHE: I mean, you're a great whistler.

WILLIAMS: He's great. He's great. I tell you, he does it every day, Lisa. Whistling past what is obvious -- by the way, before we get going, can I ask Greg a question?

WATTERS: Sure.

WILLIAMS: Who is scot-free? Because I see that President Trump is tweeting that Cohen should get maximum sentence and not get away, and then he puts in uppercase --

WATTERS: I think that's -- cousins.

GUTFELD: Yeah, exactly. All I know -- it's always great to see liberals criticize people over misspelling words.

WILLIAMS: It wasn't misspelled.

GUTFELD: I think there's enough to go around.

WILLIAMS: He had this twitter fury this morning. He went over not only Cohen, but then he said that Manafort -- was it Manafort or Roger Stone had guts?

WATTERS: Stone --

WILLIAMS: Stone asked Scott because he won't testify. He won't turn on him. I mean, what is -- is that obstruction of justice or what?

WATTERS: No, I don't think it is.

GUTFELD: You know what's interesting? Listening to Juan and listening to other networks, it's like watching someone describe a drug trip that you're not on. They're just seeing things. It's hallucinations, impeachment, resignation, jail time. It's been a two-year long acid trip and it's not the good acid. And then the media, to them -- to the media it's almost like Christmas. This is their Christmas because, you know, they don't really believe in the stuff anyway.

So they're at the stage now where they're hanging the stockings and they're looking under the bed and the closets for all the presents. But the bottomline, they're never going to be happy unless they get this guy out because they're still suffering from being beaten and humiliated two years ago.

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: You don't know what Mueller is going to say.

GUTFELD: Clean coal.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: I agree. We don't know what he's going to say. So I'm not leaping to any conclusions.

WATTERS: Oh, you would never do that --

WILLIAMS: No, but I will say -- I will say, boy, when you see the kind of fury in his tweet -- tweeting this morning --

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: -- like, wow, something is happening --

GUTFELD: This is old news. Every day you're surprised by his tweets. To me, it's just like checking the weather. It's like, ah, it's 49 degrees and there's a tweet.

BOOTHE: Did Juan just leap to a conclusion? You've just told you say we shouldn't leap to conclusion, but then you're reading his tweets and concluding something.

(CROSSTALK)  WILLIAMS: Well, people don't act like that without a reason.

WATTERS: Let's go to someone who has never been on an acid trip, Dana Perino in Washington, D.C. Dana, close it out for us, the Mueller investigation hopefully winding down.

PERINO: Well -- so the Yahoo reporter that did that piece saying it was about to wrap up, as Michael Isikoff -- way back when, when I worked at the justice department, he was with -- I think it was Newsweek or Time Magazine, and when we were spokespeople for the justice department, you could almost count every Friday night at 5 o'clock, Michael Isikoff would call and say, yeah, we're about to drop a big story on you guys on Sunday.  So, he's got very good sources. You know, follow him, pay attention to it.  And the other thing I would say is, if they are trying to wrap it up, everyone just put on your seat belt, there's going to be some turbulence before this thing is landed, but the plane will safely land and everyone will be able to move on.

GUTFELD: They'll never move on, Dana. They're never going to move on.

PERINO: Well, then they can sit behind on the tarmac.

GUTFELD: There you go. They can take the bus.

WATTERS: That tarmac. Maybe Bill will be there with Loretta. All right, President Trump ripping Democrats after caravan migrants breached the border. Hear what he's saying, up next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

WILLIAMS: The crisis at the border apparently getting worse, dozens of migrants in Tijuana scaling a 10-foot fence after reportedly becoming frustrated with the slow asylum process. Meanwhile, this new video shows migrant parents dropping two small children over an 18-foot high barrier.  And President Trump, he's calling on Democrats to fund the wall while claiming illegal immigration cause the country $250 billion a year. Now, everybody is saying that's not true, about the $250 billion, but let's leave it alone. What do you make, Lisa, of the idea that we could, in fact, have some kind of delay funding bill so it would delay the potential for closing down the government right now.

BOOTHE: Well, if you're President Trump, now is the time to try to push for border funding or sort of some changes to our immigration laws. He certainly not going to get it next congress when Democrats take over. So I think he's sort of leveraging the opportunity now. I don't know if he's going to get it or not, but I sure think when you're seeing people break the law and illegally entering the United States like we're seeing now, and also what we saw most recently with almost a thousand people trying to rush the Southern border, it sure makes President Trump's point for needing -- boosting border security along the southern border.

We also have that Yale study most recently saying that the numbers are probably closer to 22 million illegal immigrants living in the United States. So, we already can't solve the problem of all these people living here illegally, why would we want to continue to exacerbate the problem, which I think this all makes the point for the wall.

WILLIAMS: Dana, what do you think about the Democrats' position that they're not going to give the president even what Chuck Schumer, the senate minority leader is offering, which is 1.5. You see the Democrats, especially -- surprise that this people from Texas, Henry Cuellar are saying, no, we gave him money last year and this -- I think a Nita Lowey from New York said this is waste -- a wasteful wall. What do you make of this?

PERINO: I think the funding discussion is -- well, as you described it earlier, whistling past the graveyard. Look at these images. You look at what's happening in Tijuana. Look at the elected officials there saying we're going to need some help here, folks. This is a bigger story than just like the wall funding. I think that -- I don't think the government will shut down. And besides, the Republican congress working with the White House was able to get so much done on the spending front up to now.  So a lot of those spending bills are already done. It only affects about 25 percent of the government if it does happen. I don't think it will come to that.

I think the president will end up having a compromise. But talk about whistling past the graveyard. If the Democrats don't realize images like this sears into the minds of people. You see children being drop that far.  It's not ending well for the caravan participants or the -- I don't know what we want to call them, but the caravan-ers -- they are putting children lives in danger. I understand that they care about their kids, that they want to get something done, but the American people are not going to stand for this, and Democrats better figure this out, figure out a way to get past their far left and come to the table with President Trump on it, or else they're going to find more losses in 2020.

WILLIAMS: And, Jesse, the president, in fact, said this issue is a total political winner and he's willing to stand against the Democrats even in the face of, you know, all the controversy about separating children from parents, gassing, tear gassing children and adults and their parents. What do you make -- do you think it's a political winner for Republicans?

WATTERS: Yes, I do. It does have a risk of becoming like his Gitmo.  Remember when Obama for eight years says I'm going to close Gitmo. He ran on closing Gitmo. And eight years later, he never closed it. You get to a certain point where you have to see visually a wall being constructed or else you realize this thing is not happening. I will -- I want to do something with you, Juan.

GUTFELD: Oh, my God, no.

WILLIAMS: Wait a second, is this like when you were touching Greg?

BOOTHE: We're on live television, Jesse.

WATTERS: There's going to be no touching. No touching.

WILLIAMS: Good. Good.

WATTERS: I have three questions for you.

WILLIAMS: All right.

WATTERS: Just follow along logically. I believe at the end of these questions, you will want a wall.

WILLIAMS: OK.

WATTERS: OK, ready? Do you believe in borders?

WILLIAMS: Yes.

WATTERS: OK. Good, good. Do you believe currently the border is secure?

WILLIAMS: Yes.

WATTERS: No, wrong. Because you just showed visuals of people dropping babies over the wall, of people shimmying through the holes in the wall, and if you have half a million people coming through every year --

WILLIAMS: Wait a second.

WATTERS: -- that means the border is not secure.

WILLIAMS: Well, first of all, the number of people coming across the border is way down even -- despite that. But, secondly, if you see people -- but if you see people jumping -- is that mean that we need a wall?

WATTERS: If someone is tunneling under your house, do you think your house is secure?

WILLIAMS: No, that's what I'm saying, a wall is not going to do --

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: -- a wall is not going to do the job.

WATTERS: OK. Juan, you're failing the basic logic --

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: The answer to the question is the borders secure. Everybody sees on the screen of the people dropping kids --

WILLIAMS: That's dangerous. That's not a wall.

WATTERS: The answer is no. Third question, final question --

WILLIAMS: All right.

WATTERS: -- do you believe walls enhance security?

WILLIAMS: No.

WATTERS: Juan, you have to use logic here.

WILLIAMS: OK.

WATTERS: Let me give you an example of why you're wrong.

WILLIAMS: OK.

WATTERS: Just one.

WILLIAMS: Sure.

WATTERS: All right. A lot of the illegal immigration was coming through for many, many years in the Tucson sector, OK? And what do they do in Tucson, they built up all the fences, and now it's funneled all the illegal immigration crossings to the Rio Grande Valley in Texas. So, can't you build a border wall there and then funneled the crossings to a place where the border patrol can safely apprehend them?

WILLIAMS: Just like they moved from one spot, they moved to another spot?  Keep in mind --

WATTERS: You squeeze them.

WILLIAMS: Keep in mind, that's not the source of most illegal immigration in the country.

WATTERS: OK.

WILLIAMS: Most of it is people overstaying visas who fly in, in airplanes.

WATTERS: Juan wants a wall.

WILLIAMS: Oh, yes. I agree with you, Jesse.

WATTERS: Thank you. That's all I wanted to hear.

WILLIAMS: I agree that this is a crazy conversation in America.

BOOTHE: I don't know anyone --

GUTFELD: Well, it is, because we were talking in the B-block how the media was suffering from a collective drug trip in which they were seeing and hallucinating things.

This is actually the opposite. When you actually see things happening, and they're denying it. They're denying with their eyes see.

Remember when Joe Scarborough, a.k.a. Mr. Bozo Face, said that -- he was comparing the caravan, the migrants coming, to Martians in his backyard.  So apparently, he has Martians. The Martians have landed.

And then you have this other weird part where the media is blaming Donald Trump for the caravan, thousands of people coming. Only the left could hear Trump say, "You better not come" and hear "He's telling them to come!"  No, he was telling them don't come. It's not going to end well. To quote Dana, it's not going to end well. And left are, "Oh, it's obviously his fault. He's encouraging them to come."

No, it was manufactured. It was a manufactured march created by activist groups in the media. And now we're seeing it.

WILLIAMS: I think there were people in desperate straits down in Central America.

GUTFELD: A lot -- there's desperate straits everywhere.

PERINO: Juan, you never let anyone have the last word.

WILLIAMS: I was going to let you have it, if you want it last, go right --

PERINO: I don't want the -- I don't want the last word. I want you to tease so I can do my segment.

WILLIAMS: So there. You see that, Jesse? The wall is talking back to us.

WATTERS: She's the wall.

WILLIAMS: Up next.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

FORMER VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: A man who will be the next president of the United States, Barack America [SIC].

(END VIDEO CLIP)

WILLIAMS: Will moments like these --

GUTFELD: Barack America? I never saw that.

WILLIAMS: -- stop Joe Biden from running for president? That, plus Michael Avenatti's big, big, big announcement about 2020 right here on "The Five."

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

PERINO: Joe Biden teasing a potential 2020 run by saying he's, quote, "the most qualified person in the country" to be president. The former VP also admitting that he's a, quote, "gaffe machine" for memorable moments like these.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIPS)

BIDEN: My mother believed and my father believed that if I wanted to be president of the United States, I could be. I could be vice president.

This is a big (EXPLETIVE DELETED) deal.

His mom lived in Long Island for ten years or so, God rest her soul. And - - although, she's -- wait, your mom's -- your mom's still alive. It's your dad passed. God bless her soul.

Chuck Graham, state senator's here. Chuck. Stand up, Chuck. Let them see you. Oh, God love you. What am I talking about?

A man who will be the next president of the United States, Barack America.

They're going to put you all back in chains.

(END VIDEO CLIPS)

PERINO: I have a feeling we might be seeing that montage a while. Some of those gaffes are certainly endearing.

Greg, let me ask you this. Is the Democratic Party looking for the most qualified?

GUTFELD: No, not at all. He might be the most qualified, but he's an old white male, and that is the Ford Pinto of candidates in 2018. The preferred model has -- is going to be based on a combination of identity.

You know, the interesting thing, though, the difference between Biden and Trump is that Biden is kind of an old-school politician. His mistakes are old-school. His cadences are old-school. The glad-handing. The -- he's a kissing baby politician.

Trump isn't like that. And if you put these two guys up against each other, they may be similar in age, but in terms of temperament and energy, Donald Trump will walk all over him. And I think the Democrats know that.

PERINO: Jesse, just this week in Iowa, they polled a bunch of Democrats there, and they asked, you know, "What are you looking for? You know, are you looking for experience and et cetera?"

What a lot of them said is they wanted somebody younger, somebody from the younger generation. Do you think that will emerge?

WATTERS: Yes, it has to. Well, everyone is younger than Joe Biden, so I don't think it's really an issue.

GUTFELD: Wait, not Bernie.

WILLIAMS: I was going to say. That's pretty close.

WATTERS: That's true. I stand corrected.

GUTFELD: Well, maybe Bernie's younger.

WATTERS: I stand corrected. Everybody looks -- looks old.

So I think the issue is he only has one card to play. He is a longtime Washington politician that has a lot of experience in Washington. He can't change that, so he has to say, "I'm experienced." He has to say, "I know what I'm doing." And he's going to say, "I'm going to come back to Washington, restore dignity to the White House, restore order, restore normalcy, and repair all the institutions that Donald Trump has destroyed."  And --

WILLIAMS: Wait a second. I thought you were a Trump supporter.

WATTERS: I'm saying that that's his pitch, Juan.

WILLIAMS: Oh, I thought --

WATTERS: That's his pitch.

WILLIAMS: I got lost there.

WATTERS: That's his pitch. And so what he's doing is saying, "I'm admitting I'm a gaffe machine. But my gaffes are not gaffes," because what do they say a gaffe is in Washington? When a politician tells the truth.  So he's saying, "I'm so honest, I make a lot of gaffes." And he's trying to own it.

The problem with him, it's not all gaffes. He's got a terrible voting record. He's got terrible instincts. He's got no charisma, no base, can't raise a lot of money. That's not really his -- his problem.

PERINO: And to that point, Juan, I wanted to ask you this. So if Joe Biden, who says he's the most qualified, he's going to go out there, there's a big part of the party that has moved very far left. And Joe Biden would have to explain to them why he was on the other side of all of those issues for the last 30 years.

WILLIAMS: Well, you know, the interesting thing is that Joe Biden is in the clear lead in this poll that was done, I think, Harvard Harris; it was published in The Hill. In second place was Bernie Sanders.

So I think what they're looking for is almost in the model, Dana -- I think this might appeal to you -- of a George H.W. Bush. Someone with experience, someone who knows Washington, knows how the game is played.

I, by the way, differ with my colleagues here. I think that Biden and Sanders would -- boy, they'd love to trade punches with Donald Trump.

GUTFELD: That's like the two old guys from "The Muppets."

WILLIAMS: Well, yes, OK. What is Donald Trump, then? I don't know.

GUTFELD: We're talking about energy levels.

WILLIAMS: Yes. And then you get Mike Bloomberg and people like that.  Mike Bloomberg would have trouble, Dana, on something like Stop and Frisk and policy. Everybody's going to have issues.

PERINO: That's true.

WILLIAMS: But you know, I remember Ronald Reagan's favorite saying when he was debating against, who was he debating, Mondale? When he says, "I'm not going to hold my opponent's youth and inexperience against him."

PERINO: Right.

WILLIAMS: And so I think some of these folks that you say are older that might have great appeal.

PERINO: Yes. Look, I'm for -- I'm not being ageist here.

I do want to mention one thing, and Lisa, I'll get your comment on this.

BOOTHE: Sure.

PERINO: And then I know Greg wants to weigh in. Michael Avenatti, the creepy you know what lawyer, announcing today that he is not going to run in 2020. The Democrats probably getting a pass on that one.

BOOTHE: I think they're all probably saying, "Thank God." Right?

But look, regarding Joe Biden, I think he would actually give President Trump a run for his money in a general election, particularly in places like Macomb County, those blue-collar areas that President Trump did so well.

But the problem for Joe Biden is I don't think he can get there, because Democrats are going to have a really crowded primary field, just like Republicans did. And the reason why President Trump was able to make his way through that crowded primary field was because he was so vastly different than the other candidates that were in the mix.

Joe Biden isn't that different than, you know, the -- maybe 30-something candidates that are going to run. So I think we actually may end up seeing someone that breaks through that Democrat primary field that we're not talking about right now there -- that isn't even on the radar.

PERINO: It's going to be fun to watch.

BOOTHE: Yes, exactly. It will be a lot of fun.

PERINO: Greg, tell me what you think about Avenatti.

GUTFELD: The unfairness of Avenatti is that he was accused of something, and the accusation was alone enough to derail his future ambitions. It's appropriate justice, given the fact that he spearheaded a movement to derail the career by weaponizing accusations untethered to evidence. So that's how the world works.

PERINO: Boom. Indeed. I'm going to give you the last word on that.

All right. Up next, why The Little Mermaid and the song "Baby, It's Cold Outside" are under attack.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(MUSIC: INNER CIRCLE, "BAD BOYS")

BOOTHE: Jesse likes this song.

Get ready, because the PC police are out in full force yet again.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(POLICE SIREN)

GRAPHIC: The PC Police

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BOOTHE: Nice. Well, first up, an academic claims some meat-based expressions could be on the chopping block, because vegans find them offensive. PETA has been pushing to change certain phrases for years and has recommendations.

"Bring home the bacon" should be "bring home the bagels." And "taking the bull by the horns" becomes "taking the flowers by the thorns."

So Dana, taking the flowers by the thorns doesn't really have the same ring to it, does it?

PERINO: It sure doesn't. And I was waiting for the press release from PETA announcing mission accomplished, because apparently, they have succeeded in making sure that all animals are treated ethically; because now they're going to spend their time going after language. I mean, that's a lot of progress for PETA.

BOOTHE: Greg, why all the sensitivity? Why have we become so sensitive as a nation?

GUTFELD: This is actually a pretty big deal. When you try -- when we talk about the PC police, it's us. It's actually human beings. It's not the -- like, we used to think "1984," Orwellian, it was going to be the government that's out to silence us and adjust our behavior. But it's actually young people on campuses.

When I was growing up and when everybody was growing up, young kids didn't care about this. Their primary thing was to break rules, to take risks, to have fun. Now they are policing speech. They have become the tattlers and the hall monitors.

And you can see. What do they graduate from? They graduate to media blogs. Right? They go -- they want to police language on campus. Then they go on to media blogs where they try to catch people and go, "Aha!" because they can't get a real job. They aren't creative.

WATTERS: Who are you referring to?

GUTFELD: I'm referring to every media blog.

WATTERS: OK.

GUTFELD: Where they all -- because they're kind of on the -- they're not doing what they want to do, so they just have to sit there and go after people who are fulfilling their dreams.

WILLIAMS: Have you ever gone on a right-wing blog? It's worse.

GUTFELD: No, they're not about -- they don't chase media. They chase people.

BOOTHE: All right. Up next, a crackdown on some classics. Take a listen to this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE (singing): Sha la la la la la, don't be scared. You got the mood prepared. Go on and kiss the girl.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BOOTHE: So an all-male a cappella group at Princeton announcing that it is temporarily scrapping the "Kiss the Girl" song from its "Little Mermaid" performance over concerns about consent and misogyny.

And a controversy has erupted over this Christmas song.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What's the sense of hurting my pride?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I really can't stay.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Baby, don't hold out, baby.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh, but it's cold outside.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It's cold outside.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BOOTHE: A Cleveland radio station under fire for pulling "Baby, It's Cold Outside" after a listener complained that the holiday tune was inappropriate among the #MeToo movement.

Juan, haven't we just taken this too far? And also, with the "Baby, It's Cold Outside," it was cold outside. She wanted to stay to have another drink. What's wrong with that?

WILLIAMS: I don't think -- it's that he was seducing her, Lisa.

GUTFELD: How dare he?

WILLIAMS: I think seduction's quite intriguing, and I love the song. Greg tells me he hates it because he --

GUTFELD: I hate duets.

WILLIAMS: Yes, OK. But I love the song. But I understand that they just want to be clear that, you know, you shouldn't be tricking a woman or pulling off her hat or what you --

GUTFELD: Taking off her hat?

BOOTHE: But see -- but Jesse --

WILLIAMS: That's what he did in the video. Did you see it?

GUTFELD: Oh, my God. God forbid.

BOOTHE: Yes, but doesn't that kind of take away a woman's agency? I mean, she chose to stay. I mean, are we sort of -- even with the "Kiss the Girl" song, are we -- what is wrong with, you know, being courted or a guy wanting to kiss a girl or going on a date? I mean, this is --

GUTFELD: Clearly, she's not in control. She's the victim.

WATTERS: You know I think is sexy? Consent is sexy. I think anytime you want a woman to come stay for another drink, you have her sign a legal document. Anytime you want to move in and try to kiss her, sign a legal document.

WILLIAMS: Wait, what about the selfies.

WATTERS: Make it air-tight.

WILLIAMS: Selfies.

WATTERS: That is sexy. Consent is sexy.

BOOTHE: That sounds like it's going to be a great dating world in the future.

GUTFELD: Well, that's how -- that's how it's working now. I mean, that's what -- that is what is happening. People are doing that. And if you don't -- and also, the thing is, you almost have to have somebody present.  Because you never know. If it's just you and this other person.

WATTERS: Alexa.

GUTFELD: Alexa!

WATTERS: Alexa.

GUTFELD: Alexa is going to be the A.I. policeman.

BOOTHE: You're going to -- you're going to get sent, like, a text with some sort of consent form before going on dates.

All right. Well, and finally, a 9-year-old scores a big win by getting a Colorado town to end its ban on snowball fights. Dane Best successfully convincing his local town officials to make it legal again to throw snowballs at people, after it was banned for nearly a decade -- or nearly a century, rather. So huge win here for freedom, right, Greg?

GUTFELD: Yes, I am pro-snowball.

WATTERS: Yes, I mean, this is what the Founders had in mind when they drafted the Bill of Rights.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: These are the types of -- this is like a rite of passage. You have to hit someone in the face with a snowball younger than you at a certain point in your life. And --

GUTFELD: Bullier [SIC]!

WATTERS: -- and that makes that young person more resilient.

WILLIAMS: Oh, my goodness.

WATTERS: And that's an important lesson.

GUTFELD: Ask Dana. Dana is from a place that makes snowballs. She's the snowball champion.

BOOTHE: Dana.

PERINO: Have I told you that my grandfather on the ranch, he did not let us throw snowballs, because he had seen -- well, he said he saw somebody's eye get taken out by one once.

But here's the thing: I am pro-snowball if it means fewer snowflakes.

WATTERS: Well done.

BOOTHE: That's a good point. I mean, Juan, there's a lot of snowflakes out there, aren't there?

WILLIAMS: You know, I think there are a lot of people worry, in terms of the culture war, that we don't take care of each other, that we bully people, that --

WATTERS: Come on, Juan.

WILLIAMS: As Jesse said -- as Jesse said, throw it at a younger, weaker soul. Come on.

WATTERS: I meant, like, a younger brother.

GUTFELD: You know Juan? I admire Juan. Juan is just putting up a manufactured defense, because he knows it's exciting.

WILLIAMS: You know what? I like snowball fights. I've got no problem myself. But I think the idea that you're missing is that people worry about, you know, bullying or a culture where men can be overly aggressive and run (ph).

WATTERS: OK, we should do a snowball fight shoot on "The Five."

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: Let's follow that up, producers.

WILLIAMS: Yes, really.

BOOTHE: Perfect, all right.

PERINO: I'm in.

BOOTHE: Perfect. All right, well, "One More Thing" is coming up next.  Stay tuned.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: "One More Thing" -- Dana.

PERINO: Well, first, I do want to thank you all of you for letting me participate remotely. I appreciate still being on the show.

This is what I've been waiting for, for Christmas gifts. Charles Krauthammer has a new book, "The Point of It All." It is a posthumous book, and it was completed and edited by his son, Daniel Krauthammer. It's got a lot of pieces that you may never have seen before. And you can see even more of that at CharlesKrauthammer.com. It's a really great book, wonderful essays and perfect for this time of year.

Also, I'll be on "Special Report" tonight.

GUTFELD: Excellent, excellent.

All right, who's next? Juan.

WILLIAMS: All right. So do you remember the scene of Clark Griswold slipping while hanging from -- he's putting up Christmas decorations, slips, and then he's hanging from the edge of the roof by his fingers? Here's that scene from "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation."

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(CHEVY CHASE SCREAMING)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

WILLIAMS: Here's the story, come to life for Christmas 2018. The Heerlein family in Austin, Texas, put a dummy at the edge of their roof, complete with a Clark Griswold mask. One passersby thought it was real and ran over to help. Watch this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Can you reach it? Help!

(END VIDEO CLIP)

WILLIAMS: Yes. The man, a veteran, even called 911. The family has now put up a sign warning people, "Hey, folks, it's just a Christmas display.  Take it easy."

GUTFELD: I would beat the crap out of that family. If I was -- that guy went to try to do a nice thing and then you find out it was -- he was probably in panic. That guy is a hero.

All right. Oh, it's my turn.

BOOTHE: Don't be a Scrooge.

GUTFELD: FOX Nation, my show, "One Smart Person and Greg Gutfeld," tomorrow it premier -- second episode with the philosopher and cognitive scientist Dr. Susan Schneider. We discuss artificial intelligence and how it's going to destroy the universe.

Now it's time for this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD (singing): Animals are great! Animals are great! Animals are great!

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I love hearing the moans of agony from this panel. Let's show the dueling donkeys. I love dueling donkeys. When they're dueling, this is what they do. You know what's great about dueling donkeys? Is that when they're doing this and you watch it long enough, you will get incredibly dizzy and nauseous. Much like drinking too much tequila. And when I look at dueling donkeys all I can think of is --

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD (singing): Animals are great! Animals are great! Animals are great!

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Oh my God, I'm never going to stop, Jesse.

WATTERS: You're going to reach a point where executives tell to you stop.

GUTFELD: That's true. They're going to send me home. They'll send me home.

WATTERS: OK. Congratulations to the Young Americas Foundation. Big free- speech victory over Greg's alma mater, U.C. Berkeley. Remember when they tried to ban Ben Shapiro and there was all that craziness? Well, Berkeley lost; free speech won. They settled the lawsuit against the school.  Berkeley is going to have to pay YAF 70 G's --

PERINO: Wow.

WATTERS: -- to reimburse attorneys' fees; rescind their unconstitutional high-profile speaker policy; ban the university from charging these outrageous security fees; and no more hecklers' veto. Well done. Free speech, everybody.

GUTFELD: Excellent work. It used to be that Berkeley was on the other side of that, but not anymore.

WATTERS: Times have changed.

GUTFELD: Times have changed, Jesse. Good point. I've never heard that line before.

WATTERS: Maybe I should be on your podcast. "One Smart Person and Greg Gutfeld."

GUTFELD: Only if you sing "Animals Are Great!"

All right, Lisa.

BOOTHE: I just want to give a shout-out to DHL Express's Operation Holiday Cheer. It's entering its 15th year. They're sending Christmas trees, letters, gifts over to our U.S. troops who are serving overseas. And with the help of companies like Dee's Nursery in Long Island, they have donated more than 10,000 trees and trimmings to U.S. servicemen and women stationed through Iraq and Afghanistan over the years, sending some holiday cheer to them and letting them know that we're thinking about them here in the United States and thanking them for their service.

GUTFELD: Be great if inside the trees if they would slip, in, like beers.  Like they open up and they have a six pack of beer inside each on one.

WATTERS: Beers or something else that looks like trees would be a better idea.

BOOTHE: It could be --

WATTERS: That would be more camouflage, Greg.

BOOTHE: It could be Greg Gutfeld's -- it could be "Greg Gutfeld's Operation Holiday Cheer."

GUTFELD: They're just trees. They're just trees. And they open up it, and there's --

BOOTHE: Nothing to see here.

GUTFELD: -- there's beer and --

WILLIAMS: No, it would be like a Greg Gutfeld tree would have jewels inside of it. You know, those --

PERINO: It's so of weird to be here watching all of you.

GUTFELD: Yes. You are like the American public.

PERINO: From a healthy distance.

WATTERS: Please come back soon. I can't sit next to Greg any longer.

PERINO: OK.

GUTFELD: I smell great. All right.

PERINO: I will be your buffer.

GUTFELD: Never miss an episode of "The Five." "Special Report" is up next.

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