He may be first on the path but he can't do the math

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He may be first on the path but he can't do the math

Joe Biden's got a 'child tax credit' plan he wants you to know about.

This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," September 21, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT: We're going to Mars. We're stopping at the moon. The moon is actually a launching pad. That's why we're stopping at the moon. I said, hey, we've already done the moon. That's so exciting. And I said, sir, I said, I want you to head for Mars. So we'll be doing the moon, but we will really be doing Mars.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Laughter)

GREG GUTFELD, HOST: I could see it now. Mars-a-Lago.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: All right, it's been another banner week for the media -- by banner, you mean stupid.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: They remind me of a nasty fly.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: Every major-- that's a nasty fly. I don't like those suckers. I don't know about you in New Mexico, but I'm not into flies or mosquitoes.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: But who is really? Also, you know, I don't like snakes too much.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: I don't like snakes too much. We have plenty of them in New York and Washington, a different variety. I don't like snakes either.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: You know what? They're almost as bad as children.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: I know a guy who can't stand his children. They are horrible, horrible human beings. They're a little older now. But they're horrible human beings. He wants to leave his well. They said why would you leave them? They don't even like you.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Makes me think of the song "YMCA."

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: Think of the song, "YMCA." Y-M-C-A. Think of the song.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: We are, Mr. President, and why not? Everyone loves that song.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: The Republicans love it. And the Democrats love it. And frankly, labor loves it. Unions love it. Farmers love, love, love it.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Which could be why everyone is looking so much better these days.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: You look all much better than you did three years ago, even with the #MeToo Movement, we can't say this. But I'll say it anyway, you're better looking. Including the men.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Including the men, Terry. Not like those phony Democrats.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: How about these phony Democrats? They started with Russia, Russia, Russia. Then they went to race. Do you believe that one? Race? Then they went to recession. There is going to be a recession. Oh, please let there be a recession. Please.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: These are phony people. But that's okay.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: These are phony people. But that's okay. You know, when you think of it, I'm President and they're not.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Thank you very much, President Trump.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: Thank you very much, President Trump. Thank you.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That was an experiment to show you that [bleep] this is funny on its own. I don't even have to write a damn joke anymore.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: I just pick the best parts and repeat it. Which is great. It's less work for me. And he is way more entertaining than his critics in the media, who are getting more desperate every day. Things are pretty good, but they need people to believe it's pretty bad. So what did they do? They frantically try to reanimate the Kavanaugh story, right?

"The New York Times" ran an excerpt from a book in which an alleged incident of sexual abuse was documented. And then it was on every show and every network until, whoops, it was revealed at "The Times," you know, they left out a key fact. The alleged victim had no recollection of any incident -- at all.

Weird how that detail got past the editors? You'd think a detail like that would matter. But they knew the book and the story itself was a dud. So they obliterated that detail. And that was how they maintained their business model, which is to sell urban legends to people who feel the same way they do.

So they ran a story about a Supreme Court Justice committing a crime, leaving out the part about there not being a victim. Imagine that. That's a pretty big omission. I mean, that's like writing a book about great Americans and forgetting about me.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Yes, thank you. Thank you very much.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: But that wasn't the only mistake the media made this week. One day, they're pushing false stats on hate crimes linking them to Trump rallies, which was then debunked by "Reason" magazine. Then on another day, they're running stories about Trump stealing pancakes in Scotland. I'm not kidding. That was an actual story. There was other crap too about Trump's family turmoil, but it all burned briefly and faded.

No wonder the media tried to revive the Kavanaugh smear. And as always, in trying to take down Trump, they deliberately warp the truth. I wonder if Trump agrees that this is one of the worst weeks in the history of the fake news media.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: I think this is one of the worst weeks in the history of the fake news media. The media of our country is laughed at all over the world now. You're a joke.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: You're a joke. Ouch.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: So it is getting harder and harder each day to figure out what's real and what isn't out there in media land. If only there was a product for that.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ANNOUNCER: It's happening everywhere. In parks, in offices, and in homes all across America.

TOM SHILLUE, FOX NATION HOST: This is awful. Every time I read "The Times," I realize it's wrong or they've left out facts, then I have to waste time rereading the corrections. And I'm a centrist. It's ridiculous, and exhausting.

ANNOUNCER: It sounds like you could use some Correction Lenses.

SHILLUE: At this point, I'm going for anything. What are they?

ANNOUNCER: Correction lenses are an ocular enhancement that prevents your eyes from seeing all the inaccuracies in "The New York Times" reporting by removing everything except the truth. The result? You get only the facts.

SHILLUE: Whoa. This is incredible. It's only the truth stuff. It is September 2019. And look, here is the word the, T-H-E. That's how you spell it. This is amazing. Do they work on anything else?

ANNOUNCER: Sure thing. Try watching CNN. That's right. Correction Lenses turn all CNN programming into "Tucker Carlson Tonight."

SHILLUE: Wow. This is the best invention ever. Thanks, Correction Lenses.

ANNOUNCER: So get Correction Lenses today. It's for people who love news, real news.

SHILLUE: It makes up for the fact that my wife won't talk to me.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Cheering and Applause)

ANNOUNCER: Period.

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. If GI Joe and Popeye had a love child, yes, it would be retired Green Beret Master Sergeant Terry Schappert.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: She is always sunny and knows a lot about money, stock market guru and financial analyst, Heather Zumarraga.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: She is small in stature, but sounds like Thatcher. Host of "Sincerely, Kat" on Fox Nation, Kat Timpf.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: And one day, he accidentally tripped on Guam. My massive sidekick and host of "Nuff Said" on Fox Nation, Tyrus.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Terry, Terry, so what do you make of the media performance this week?

TERRY SCHAPPERT, RETIRED GREEN BERET MASTER SERGEANT: Here's the problem. Trump is making you comedically lazy.

GUTFELD: Yes.

SCHAPPERT: You're getting comedically flabby because you don't have to write anything.

GUTFELD: That is true.

SCHAPPERT: And you know, I wish you'd put a little more effort, but you don't have to.

GUTFELD: It's so obvious that I didn't do the work this week.

SCHAPPERT: Yes.

GUTFELD: Because okay A, I had jury duty.

SCHAPPERT: You were busy.

GUTFELD: I was in jury duty. I was sitting there for hours and then I was reading the transcript of Trumps words. I go, thank you.

(Laughter)

SCHAPPERT: He gave it to you.

GUTFELD: He gave it to me.

SCHAPPERT: I just don't want you to lose the eye of the tiger, Greg.

GUTFELD: No, I won't.

SCHAPPERT: Okay, good. Also speaking of eyes, the glasses that's from my favorite movie, one of them, "They Live."

GUTFELD: "They Live."

SCHAPPERT: It never gets old. The media. Here's the thing, I heard a guy call on the radio other day on a show. I am not going say his name because he was a conservative thinker. And he said, you know, the problem is the media continues to bite on this.

No, they're not biting on anything. They're creating it. Right? So I mean, and the thing is, they've just been busted. I still don't think they can recover from this. They just don't stop.

GUTFELD: Yes, you know what the thing is Heather, it's like I think the media has created a permanent jaded public. They're like a cheating spouse, you no longer buy their BS, right? Not that I would know. These are only analogies, people. Only analogies, Heather.

HEATHER ZUMARRAGA, FINANCIAL ANALYST: What did they think? Oops, that's a big oops that they forgot. Miss Ramirez didn't even -- wasn't even interviewed and the supposed witness, Max Stier doesn't even recall the incident. Says she doesn't even recall the incident that they're attacking Judge Kavanaugh on? That's more than an oops.

So they made a retraction. I get it. They made the correction. But three Democratic Presidential candidates immediately, Senator Warren, Senator Harris, Beto O'Rourke immediately called for Kavanaugh's resignation. There's a problem with that. That's just wrong.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. And then of course --

ZUMARRAGA: They didn't even verify any facts.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Yes. And you know what, Kat? Nobody gets punished. Like is "New York Times" going to do anything about it? No, they just -- they let it move on until they find the next crisis which is the Ukrainian phone call, I guess.

KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NATION HOST: Look, I mean, they issued a correction, all right.

ZUMARRAGA: That's true.

TIMPF: Corrections can be very useful for things like we said that Bob was 41, he is really 42 or like we said that Sarah was from San Diego. She is really from San Jose. Or the woman who was allegedly assaulted does not remember, you know, saying -- no, obviously, using a correction for selling that -- however, I would like to shame "The New York Times" for something related.

GUTFELD: Okay.

TIMPF: And I have the receipts here.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I will -- because you didn't touch on it. Maybe if you've been working a little harder you would have touched on this.

(Laughter)

SCHAPPERT: He is lazy.

TIMPF: But did you see the tweet?

GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, CONTRIBUTOR: The man was in jury duty.

TIMPF: This is the tweet that "The New York Times" tweeted out ...

GUTFELD: That's right.

TIMPF: ... to promote this story.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: It said, having a [bleep] thrust in your face at a drunken dorm party may seem like harmless fun, but -- excuse me?

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: But they took it --

TIMPF: Yes, they took it down, but I want to know who the person who was writing that, like everyone thinks this is fine. Who?

GUTFELD: Yes.

SCHAPPERT: Good point.

GUTFELD: That's a very good point. So they delete it, no one gets punished.

TIMPF: He should get -- I'm sorry, but someone might be inviting that person to a party.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: The holidays will be here before you know it. I do not want that at my Christmas party.

GUTFELD: No. Nope. Tyrus?

MURDOCH: What?

GUTFELD: Close out this segment with your wisdom.

MURDOCH: I have to laugh at the way the world has turned on white men in this country.

GUTFELD: Not this again.

MURDOCH: What? I can't enjoy this?

GUTFELD: Okay, go ahead. Go ahead.

MURDOCH: It used to be our thing that we'd be arrested for crimes we didn't commit.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: We know you did something. Book him. You assaulted someone even though there's no one.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Good enough for us. Like, I feel bad -- how does it feel, fellas? Sorry, it's really -- and you're laughing because that's where we're at right now. Old white men. Absolutely with two eyes open. Now every time they hear the police, they wonder what they did. Just like that.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: It's really nice, it's really great. Progress.

GUTFELD: Well, at least he sees us --

MURDOCH: All white guys are mad about it, but it's true. Did they not just make up a crime a white man didn't come close to committing?

GUTFELD: Yes. Sure.

MURDOCH: So you know, keep it in your pants, fellas. You stay on board.

TIMPF: They issued a correction.

GUTFELD: They issued a correction. I think "The New York Times" should just have a separate issue called "The Correction." Before we go, an update on "The Gutfeld Monologues" live, fall tour. We've added a new show in Cleveland on December 7th. Next show October 12th at Omaha. We're also headed to Jacksonville Durham -- Durham? Durham and Knoxville ggutfeld.com for ticket info.

Coming up. So how weak are the Democratic candidates. We discuss, you imbibe.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: “The Greg Gutfeld Show” presents the 2020 CAN'T-idates.

GUTFELD: He may be first on the path, but he can't do math. Joe Biden's got a child tax credit plan he wants you to know about and it goes something like this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JOE BIDEN, D-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: You get a tax break for a racehorse, why in God's name couldn't we provide an $8,000.00 tax credit for everybody who has childcare costs?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Wait, I can get a tax credit for a racehorse?

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: But tell me, Joe, how many women would put back in the workforce?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BIDEN: It would 720 million back -- million women back in the workforce.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Wow. 720 million women. That's amazing. Out of a total U.S. population of 320 million men and women. He is going to put 720 million women back to work. That would be impressive and impossible.

Speaking of numbers, the latest poll from a place called Fox News shows 46 percent of voters think Trump will be reelected --

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Hold on, hold on. Back in December, over half thought he would. But back then, we didn't know it would be this lot trying to run against Trump. Who knew the race for the nomination would look like this?

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]

GUTFELD: In fairness, I do that, too.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Meanwhile, British a betting site is taking wagers on who will be the nominee and more bets are on Hillary than any of the other candidates. Her odds are 20 to one or in Biden math, gazillions of banana face.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: So it's not surprising that 38 percent say they're hoping someone new enters the race. So who would have the stuff to win? Well, not him. He dropped out.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: How did Trump take it?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: Too bad, he had tremendous potential. He only had one real asset. You know what it was? Height.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Height. Height, Heather, that was the only advantage. I'll never be President. So how do you feel about this?

ZUMARRAGA: You wear heels.

GUTFELD: I do wear heels? Usually downtown on a Saturday night. You can find me in the park, walking my imaginary dog.

TIMPF: Not that there's anything wrong with that.

GUTFELD: There is nothing wrong with it. You know. Thank you, Kat. Heather, what's your take on this week with the candidates? Any thoughts?

ZUMARRAGA: Well, as someone who talks about the economy a lot, I'd start with Joe Biden's 720 million workers back into the workforce that are women.

So I'm trying to think how can we get there? Yes, it would be more than double the U.S. population. The unemployment rate is already at 50-year lows, but I'm thinking, maybe since Democrats most of them are in favor of open borders, you bring in about 600 million in from overseas to the U.S. and that's how you get to the 720 million American women.

SCHAPPERT: Problem solved.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Maybe, but I don't really think that's a bad thing, Kat?

ZUMARRAGA: Open borders?

TIMPF: I just feel honestly really bad for Joe Biden at this point.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: To be honest with you. Because the statistic that stuck out to me the most was that 36 percent of the people that support Joe Biden are among those who are hoping someone else enters the race.

GUTFELD: Yes.

(Laughter)

TIMPF: Like, that's like finding out the person you are dating still has a Tinder account. Right? Like, that's a hard thing to face. Like he is thinking that all these people think he is Mr. Right. And they actually think he's Mr. All right for now.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.

TIMPF: That's always hard to deal with.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I mean, if your supporters --

GUTFELD: Would wait for somebody better.

TIMPF: Yes, your supporters are like still, you know, going out on dates with other people.

GUTFELD: Yes. That's every relationship in your 20s.

TIMPF: Oh, so it's not wasn't just mine.

GUTFELD: No, no. Yes. Especially in New York City.

TIMPF: Yes, it's the city. It wasn't me.

GUTFELD: No, it wasn't you at all. You're a prize, Kat, a prize.

TIMPF: A gem, you might say.

GUTFELD: You're a gem.

TIMPF: National treasure, if you will.

GUTFELD: A diamond in the rough. A diamond in the rough.

TIMPF: I'd go with national treasure.

GUTFELD: A needle in the haystack. Tyrus, the entire field right now, it's like a lousy episode of "The Love Boat." No big names, just aging dull mediocrities. You know, bellowing platitudes, maybe. What you're going to just --

MURDOCH: So you got cheated on a lot when you're in your 20s?

(Laughter)

TIMPF: I'd say a fair amount. Yes.

MURDOCH: Any of those guys feel like running for President for the Democratic Party? You want to reach out to them.

TIMPF: They are all unemployed, so it could be.

MURDOCH: You know, I don't know how the rest of the panel can look themselves in the mirror. Now, I get it. Joe Biden is old. Worse than that, he is old and white.

GUTFELD: There we go.

MURDOCH: I get it. I get it. There's a new -- they're the bad guys. You can go watch them. They're everywhere. They're tricksters. And his little buddy, Bernie. Plotting to put soup in everyone's household. Not on my watch.

TIMPF: I love soup in --

MURDOCH: As bad as he is, as bad as every -- he starts out great. Like his team must be like, oh, we're doing great. He talked about getting jobs and tax credit. He was kind of witty with the whole -- you can get a tax credit for racehorse, you damn well should get a tax break if you have children, and we have 700 -- oh, like they are --

They just need a smoke bomb and a dance team to come out. Just get him out of there. But having said of all that, as bad as he is. He is whooping the rest of you all.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: So bad. How can you run -- like if I was on -- was competing for a job.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: And it was a dance contest. And the guy that kept taking falls every time during the dance number. And they're still picking him.

GUTFELD: Right. That says something.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Last word, Terry.

SCHAPPERT: I think it was kind of obvious right from the jump that Biden was done. I mean, you know, President Obama said he is the best Vice President you could have had. He has never endorsed him. He is never coming --

GUTFELD: No.

SCHAPPERT: I mean, like that says a lot, not about Biden, but also about President Obama and his loyalty because he is either lying or he is hiding something.

By the way, those numbers that Biden gave, it could possibly work out if all the lazy women in this country got two jobs.

(Cheering and Applause)

SCHAPPERT: Yes, you were all thinking it. You were all thinking it.

ZUMARRAGA: The unemployment rate in each person --

TIMPF: I do have two jobs, you [bleep].

(Cheering and Applause)

SCHAPPERT: Not enough. Not enough.

GUTFELD: Wait, you have two jobs, Kat?

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: So you're stealing jobs from another woman?

SCHAPPERT: How dare you? That's racist.

ZUMARRAGA: The 720 million that don't have one.

GUTFELD: Yes, I am outraged.

TIMPF: I'm going to get five jobs.

GUTFELD: And I am not sure about what, but I am outraged.

SCHAPPERT: Me, too.

GUTFELD: All right. We're going to take this outrage to the next segment, the wokest politician on the planet is addicted to shoe polish. That's next.

(Laughter)

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

AISHAH HASNIE, CORRESPONDENT: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Aishah Hasnie. The death toll is rising to five in Texas now following the torrential rain earlier this week from tropical storm Imelda. The rising floodwaters began to recede on Friday. Many residents say the damage left behind is eerily similar to that of Hurricane Harvey two years ago. Rescue crews have been going door-to-door to help those who remain trapped in their homes.

Meantime, young activists were out again today, just one day after the Global Climate Strike. They took their message from the streets straight to the United Nations. Sixteen-year-old Swedish activist, Greta Thunberg spoke at the event urging world leaders to act on climate change. Friday's global protests attracting millions from across the country and around the world. I'm Aishah Hasnie, now back to “The Greg Gutfeld Show.”

GUTFELD: Is there any going back after painting your face black? By now you've seen pictures of Justin Trudeau wearing brown face, a new phrase back in 2001, and also in high school singing the banana boat song in blackface. And then a third instance of black face sometime in the 90s.

All coming to light a month before and election, so I wonder if Trudeau is sorry.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JUSTIN TRUDEAU, CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER: I'm really sorry.

This is something that I deeply, deeply regret.

I didn't see that from the layers of privilege that I have, and for that I am deeply sorry.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Deeply. Sounds sincere. No one in his party is calling for his resignation, and let's face it, the media only really cares about this stuff when a non-liberal pulls this kind of crap. But it raises one question. Why is it always the wokest guy in the room who has the most to hide? Could there be a connection there?

Meanwhile, there was one question that media kept asking.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

QUESTION: Mr. Trudeau how many times? Is it just the three that we know about or are there more incidents because you know people are looking for them?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Wait. Is three not enough? Asking if there are more incidents then quote, "just the three" seems to imply there's like an acceptable amount. Three, well, okay, but there better not be four. Three and a half.

Anyway, Trudeau didn't say whether there were more, but he did say this in French.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUDEAU: (Speaking in foreign language).

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I'm very sorry for what I've done. But I'm not very sorry that every Saturday night at 10:00 p.m. I watch “The Greg Gutfeld Show” on Fox News Channel.

(Cheering and Applause)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: All is forgiven. All is forgiven. All right, Tyrus, lay the truth on me about the white guy. He is Canadian, too. He is a white Canadian.

MURDOCH: I know it's really --

GUTFELD: A rich, privileged white Canadian.

MURDOCH: A rich guy who --

GUTFELD: Famous parents.

MURDOCH: Famous parents.

GUTFELD: Very liberal progressive.

MURDOCH: Okay --

GUTFELD: Very woke.

MURDOCH: Look, you're stonewalling. You're so afraid what the black man is about to tell you about yourself, America?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Let me tell you what I think.

GUTFELD: Give it to me.

MURDOCH: I don't care. It was 20 years ago. He did some dumb stuff 20 years ago. Now, if when his first day he was elected, he came out in brown face and said, my first act is to get anyone like this out. Problem. That's racist. He did some dumb stuff.

I myself did some racist things about 10 years ago, 15 years ago, when I got pulled over by the police. I would turn my head around forward, turn on country music and say, good evening, officer, I didn't know I was driving that far. I am very sorry. I did -- but first, I pretended to have a white voice to calm the officer down.

I was in school in Nebraska. I got -- my buddy got pulled over and he was white. And he was like, I didn't know I couldn't do that. And I sat in the seat going, you've got to teach me that magic, bro. Because that's not how where I come from.

I used that. I'm sorry, America, I pretended to have a white voice and dialect. Taking advantage on police officers. Let the boycotts begin now.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Cultural appropriation. Kat, I have a sound defense for him. The only explanation as to why he did it three times is because he didn't know it was racist. And if he didn't know, he is not racist, he is just stupid. Which is, you know, not racist, but stupid.

TIMPF: See, I want to offer a take on this.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I know that it's my job. But I just feel intimidated because I don't think I could offer as impressive of a take as Don Lemon did over at CNN. He said multiple times. Well, but isn't it nice to see a leader apologize?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Isn't it nice to see your leader apologize. Clearly taking a dig at President Trump.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I just don't understand. I mean, the fact that he was able to take a story about Justin Trudeau wearing brown face and turn it into an opportunity to talk smack about President Trump. I mean, that's like a kind of gymnastics we have not even seen from Simone Biles. That is impressive.

(Cheering and Applause)

TIMPF: That is impressive. He sees this story about the Canadian Prime Minister wearing brown face, and his reaction is, oh, I can't believe that Trump guy.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Because it's not really that offensive. And it's selective shock to racism because I guarantee you if that would have been I don't know, a Republican senator who did that. I guarantee you his tune wouldn't be that. He would be screaming. It would be 15 minutes of silence --

GUTFELD: He would be making lemonade.

TIMPF: Justin Trudeau is so insufferable. Do you remember when that woman, he corrected her and he said, don't say mankind, say people kind. Meanwhile, he's got like a black face thing like, come on.

GUTFELD: Yes, he's got problems. Heather, the media would be more outraged if a Republican or a conservative did it. I think they were actually more offended that Trump has an orange face.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Right? He has got an orange face.

MURDOCH: He admitted it.

GUTFELD: He admitted he had an orange face.

ZUMARRAGA: No, definitely. The statement that Don Lemon made, if that was a Republican, blood would be drawn, knives would be out. It's a complete double standard. It's hypocrisy and I appreciate everything Tyrus says whether or not it's seen as racist, or is now or was 20 years ago. The point is that the liberals have made that a rule, even Trudeau himself came out and said that wearing blackface, putting dark makeup on your face is racist.

But then he had done it himself. Not one time, maybe that could be excused. Many times, we don't know how many times.

TIMPF: That's probably how he still sleeps at night.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: There's a joke there. You know what it is though, Terry, it's about hypocrisy in the sense that everybody here will forgive. We forgive. But I don't think anybody there on that other ideological side or the other side politics would forgive you or Kat or Tyrus --

MURDOCH: I wear it every day.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: I don't see skin color.

SCHAPPERT: I was glad when I was growing up that pretty much only like Polaroids and normal pictures, because that's gone. And the thing is with the black face, you're right, the phrase I used to say in the military all the time is like you rig it, you ride it, Ranger. You know that's your parachute, you want to ride like that. That is on you.

They've created the rules. They've created the rules in a way -- I am with Tyrus, man. I don't care if you -- I don't care if you make fun of my white voice. I don't care. And Tyrus doesn't care if I were blackface, I suspect.

MURDOCH: A little bit.

(Laughter)

SCHAPPERT: And by the way, as soon as I said that, I went, eh, he probably does care a little bit. But the point is this kind of stuff has got to go away because, man, I mean, we are very forgiving. But we've never --

GUTFELD: They won't forgive us for anything.

SCHAPPERT: They've never -- they don't play fair.

GUTFELD: But one word, if we screwed up one word, they would be marching on us. You know, and I go back to that point. It's always the wokest guy in the room that has the most to hide.

SCHAPPERT: Yes.

GUTFELD: That can't be a coincidence. All right. Coming up. Brats use climate change to take off school. Can't say I blame them, a bunch of brats.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: They're allowed to skip school as an activist tool. New York City public schools allowed students to participate in Friday's Global Climate Strike marches during school hours without penalty, meaning 1.1 million kids were exempt from class or as Biden might say, 12.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Any kid -- any kid that wants to skip out the protest needs parental consent, which means any kid who doesn't get permission has to stay in school so they could be laughed at while resenting the responsible parents.

Now, this climate change protests were planned nationwide. But not all school districts are excusing the absence. And believe it or not, some parents in New York would rather they instill the values. Thank you.

One of them told "The Post" quote, "I am all for people supporting causes they believe in, but do not force your causes and beliefs on my first grader."

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: I remember -- I remember skipping school. It looked like this.

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]

GUTFELD: I have no idea what I was protesting. But that was beautiful. All right, Kat, what are your thoughts on this protest?

TIMPF: Well, first of all, I just want to say I love the planet.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I think I might even be biased towards the planet because I have lived here literally my whole life.

GUTFELD: Yes, Yes. You have. Literally.

TIMPF: I don't know where I'd move.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: But at the same time, I always think that kids should be allowed to be excused for activism. My issue is that that's not what the school was doing.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: They weren't saying, you are excused to go protest for a cause that you're passionate about. They're saying, we're passionate about this one. So you're free to go march in the streets for us.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: These kids are not like free workers for you. They are children.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: So don't pick and choose like that don't -- because then the kid is not going to be allowed to go or who doesn't want to go, like that would have been me because I never wanted to miss school because I was like, I know, I'll never have a career if I miss first grade.

And I was a little neurotic. And then everyone would have made fun of me. And like, they were already making fun of me so much for my like she mullet, that I don't think I could have handled it.

GUTFELD: All right. Thinking about a she mullet right now and it's making me --

TIMPF: That was my intention.

GUTFELD: Heather. This also paints a scarlet letter on kids who still show up for school or the parents who object to the political act --

TIMPF: And kids with mullets.

GUTFELD: Kids with -- and I think activists know that the peer pressure works in their favor, and they don't care. They'll torment these kids.

ZUMARRAGA: No exactly. It's gone too far. I mean, I'm not saying that I'm not in favor of reducing some of the impacts of whatever you want to advocate --

TIMPF: Do you live here to?

ZUMARRAGA: No, that's the thing is that I'm so happy. I don't and that my daughter goes to a public school in a different state because I would be infuriated and outraged as a mother, one elementary school in New York, actually mailed a letter home to the parents saying that don't come to school or come to school, but everybody's going to be gone because we all will be at the protest. And I don't mind if you want to go. Do it on the weekend. The Department of Education.

GUTFELD: Because that means --

ZUMARRAGA: Mayor Bill de Blasio?

GUTFELD: That means you actually sacrificed something. If you do it on the weekend.

ZUMARRAGA: Do it on a weekend.

GUTFELD: This is a free -- this is a freebie.

SCHAPPERT: They can't pressure you.

GUTFELD: It's a freebie. And you know what, the activists know that kids are great political weapons. They're easy to bribe --

SCHAPPERT: And you can't go after them.

GUTFELD: They get a day off school. And if you actually criticize the kids, they accuse you of punching down. You're not. You're punching up because they are being used as political tools.

SCHAPPERT: Same with the Scandinavian girl that --

(Cheering and Applause)

SCHAPPERT: I was going to say, you know, I want to talk before Tyrus goes in with these long pregnant pauses and shows us how smart he is, so here is the thing.

MURDOCH: You hear that ladies?

SCHAPPERT: Yes, they got that. So here's the thing. If you noticed, this is the small kids stuff. When Kavanaugh was getting hammered. He went to Harvard, Harvard law students, the best, you pay a lot of money to go to Harvard Law. They walked out of class because he is a rapist.

GUTFELD: Right.

SCHAPPERT: You're a frickin' lawyer. You're supposed to be a law student. This is how indoctrinated they are by design.

GUTFELD: Yes.

SCHAPPERT: So you start with these little kids. And now you have law students at probably the most prestigious place. They walked out because he is a rapist.

GUTFELD: Yes.

SCHAPPERT: I'm sorry, Tyrus. You can continue with it. Go ahead.

MURDOCH: Oh, yes. I'd love to piggyback off of that. What are you, crazy? We are talking about kids going off for the day for activism. And you took us there. All right, cool. Let me get out my broom and a cold shower and figure this out.

SCHAPPERT: Here comes the pause.

MURDOCH: Here's my issue with climate control, when you talk about these things, because it's a global problem, which means it's unattainable for us, Americans to fix what other countries do.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

MURDOCH: China was not doing anything. Actually --

(Cheering and Applause)

MURDOCH: So what ends up happening was when I was a kid, when we want to do things for our environment, it was tangible. Our school had Arbor Day where they came in and they said, here's a free tree, go plant it somewhere and watch it grow. And you're helping the environment.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: And so then we all took our little trees, and we were so smart. And we're planting them. We're like, we're helping the environment. And then we were educating, hey, trees create oxygen, so I'm going to be better around trees. I'm not going to vandalize trees.

Then there was this awesome thing called, hey, kids, aerosol cans bad for the thing. So guess what, we got away with weird hairdos and stuff because aerosol was bad. And then then they had another drive where it was, hey, recycle, put the plastics and this one and that and Americans got behind it. And we made our place. We made our country better because it was attainable goals.

And all of these things, you take those kids that went there today. They come back to school tomorrow. Okay, what did you learn? What are you going to learn differently?

GUTFELD: Yes.

SCHAPPERT: Yes. Right on. Nothing.

MURDOCH: Because it's about a political statement.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Not teaching them anything.

GUTFELD: All right. Nicely summarized by Tyrus. Up next, he was about to get fired, so he brought a clown for support. Not me, I was busy.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: When your job is going down, send in the clown. An ad man from New Zealand -- they have them there, Terry -- named Joshua Jack -- great mustache -- was recently called into a work meeting and feared the worst that he was getting fired. So he hired an emotional support clown to join him.

Apparently companies in New Zealand are legally required to offer employees a chance to bring a support person to help cushion the blow of getting canned. Amazing.

So it turns out he was right, he did get fired, but having the clown made it not so bad. So Jack, it was sort of no noisy him making balloon animals. So we did have to tell them to be quiet from time to time. Now, the clown cost 200 bucks. Or as Joe Biden says gurgle burgle, moo, moo, boop.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: I am going to milk that joke the whole year. Some work, Jack has already landed another job. Meanwhile, the clown also got a new job as a piano player.

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]

GUTFELD: All right, Heather. Why isn't this shocking? Isn't this the direction of the world? You just take a support person everywhere or anywhere --

ZUMARRAGA: No, or an animal.

GUTFELD: Yes.

ZUMARRAGA: A dog.

GUTFELD: Yes.

ZUMARRAGA: Some planes are seeing ostriches, different types of animals.

GUTFELD: But into work meetings now. Do you know that I was at a meeting years ago when somebody brought their parents to a job review?

SCHAPPERT: Really?

GUTFELD: Yes, because he thought he was getting fired.

ZUMARRAGA: Well, and he probably got fired anyway.

GUTFELD: He did.

ZUMARRAGA: Just like this guy.

GUTFELD: We had to change the locks to the place.

ZUMARRAGA: Well, and your $200.00 out of pocket. It was a huge workplace distraction. I mean, they said that the balloon animals were causing so much noise in the office. They had to tell the clown to tone it down a little bit.

But the fact that the workplace -- your place of work still allowed you to bring in a clown with you. That's pretty cool.

GUTFELD: Yes. Tyrus, what do you make of this?

MURDOCH: You know what, man?

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: You know --

GUTFELD: Clown face. He is like clown face.

MURDOCH: He didn't. He didn't. White people are great, man. You guys are so ingenious when it comes to lose a job and stuff. We're not signing anything and we're not coming in. If you tell me, hey, Tyrus, you mind coming in next Thursday a little early. I am not coming.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: I know what's about to happen. I get water at the water cooler, too. Hell no, I ain't in. You can tell me what you need to tell me now. I ain't flying all the way in to get fired.

But I don't want to -- it was an ad agency.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: How do you not get promoted?

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true.

MURDOCH: I mean, he literally brought a clown in and gave them a sales pitch.

SCHAPPERT: Yes, you're right, man.

MURDOCH: Like, instead of firing me, watch this clown. I mean, like, for some reason I'm watching this clown. This guy is great. He is really suggestive. Yes, he could work with cars. Hey, come down and watch us make balloon animals and by far that's what he has done. Like this ad agency --

GUTFELD: You know, it's actually -- it was genius, Terry.

SCHAPPERT: I was laughing the whole time. This guy is legend.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

SCHAPPERT: Bringing a clown.

GUTFELD: Yes.

SCHAPPERT: I mean, you know I have some of my buddies from the military that, you know they have service dogs and it's really helped their lives, but everybody ruins it. People abuse it.

GUTFELD: The first you bring in a new thing, people abuse it.

SCHAPPERT: Yes, I think also probably --

ZUMARRAGA: Bringing a poodle on the plane with a red support dog banner around them is just not believable.

MURDOCH: There is a difference between support and service.

TIMPF: Poodles can be very emotional supportive.

SCHAPPERT: Yes, that's true. But I mean, look, if one of you like walked on a plane with like a support blow up doll. That would be weird. Like I am serious, life if you walked in and go --

GUTFELD: Okay, Terry, I did that once.

ZUMARRAGA: I knew it.

GUTFELD: You had to bring it up. We're editing it out.

SCHAPPERT: You know why I know it, because I bring this up because you -- you have done this to me all the time in our relationship and you hurt me in front of people and I'm getting you back. That's it. America, you know, he is a really mean person.

GUTFELD: I only talk about your fashion sense, and I like to see you've toned it down a bit. You must be in a relationship.

MURDOCH: Yes.

SCHAPPERT: Oh, you stole his joke. You stole it. He stole it. A white guy stole your joke.

MURDOCH: No. We joke together, we're a team.

SCHAPPERT: Oh, yes.

MURDOCH: Because you know. But it's true. I've been meaning, you used to wear like fancy pants, like skinny bell bottoms.

SCHAPPERT: And I will again, but I am not a performing monkey.

MURDOCH: No, because you're happy.

SCHAPPERT: No.

MURDOCH: And you're letting your hair grow out.

SCHAPPERT: No.

MURDOCH: You are tight.

GUTFELD: He is putting on some weight. He is putting on some weight.

MURDOCH: It's happy weight.

SCHAPPERT: That's also not true. That is not true.

GUTFELD: Yes, pretty soon, you're going to be like --

MURDOCH: He is not saying it's not true.

SCHAPPERT: I am shattering expectations. Every time I come on to this show.

ZUMARRAGA: He put make up on, I saw him back there --

GUTFELD: All right. Let me get Kat in here. We veered off into let's make fun of Terry land.

SCHAPPERT: Oh, who is Kat? Oh, what have you got? Greg made fun of me?

TIMPF: So I would just like to say, I respect this. Do not understand it. No offense to clowns. And no offense to the guy who was in clown college when we were dating in 2012, Brian, if you're watching this, don't take it personally.

GUTFELD: You literally dated a bunch of clowns.

TIMPF: No, Clown College. He was in Clown, so he was a student clown.

GUTFELD: Got you. Got you.

TIMPF: Brian, not about you. But I have never been in any situation and thought, you know, what would make this better? A clown?

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Like, especially not -- if I'm getting fired, I don't want to be around bright colors and dancing and balloon animals. I want to bring somebody who was in a worse situation than me. Like, don't give me the clown. Give me the chick who just got served divorce papers, and it's like her sixth one. And she is only 25 and also her house just burned down and her safe was in there full of money and she's over here blubbering. Give me that chick.

GUTFELD: All right.

SCHAPPERT: Yes, make it worse or something.

GUTFELD: I didn't expect this turn. "Final Thoughts," next, maybe.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Thank you, Terry Schappert, Heather Zumarraga, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, and our studio audience. I'm Greg Gutfeld and I love you America.

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