Have we reached the end in finding new friends?

This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," May 18, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: They're off for the Miss Preakness, Covfefe out for the lead. Congrats Gal goes right wither these two out to the front with Fighting Mad away running in third to the outside. Covfefe has opened up a four, a five length lead, but not for long to run. It doesn't matter how you spell her name. She can run. Covfefe. She won by eight lengths.


GREG GUTFELD, HOST: Covfefe. Trump even wins horse races.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Hard to believe. Sorry. You made it another week. You know what didn't? Alyssa Milano's sex strike?


GUTFELD: Yes, she vowed not to have sex for political reasons. And America was like, "Who?" Then after hearing her rant for a while most people realizes her vowing not to have sex might be a good thing. It's like hearing that Maroon 5 is retiring from music. Or that the neighbor who keeps peeing in your yard finally died. Or maybe the public simply has better things to think about.

That's the thing about celebrities, where do they find the time to lecture us about life as their own lives fall apart? Maybe it's time we return the favor.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hi. You know me as the guy who unclogged your drain after your kid showered in peanut butter.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I replaced your hip so you could dominate your neighbors at pickle ball.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I changed your tires, your oil and fixed your transmission, see your Cardin blow up.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: We're the nobodies of America.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: We are celebrities.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: We aren't famous.

KATHERINE TIMPF, CONTRIBUTOR: But we heard so celebrities want a sex strike.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So we're going to have a strike of our own.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Against those self-righteous stars who preach morals.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: But are known to wreck four marriages in five years.

TIMPF: Against pop stars you post half-naked selfies on Instagram, then demand privacy when they get in trouble doing horse tranquilizers in a club bathroom.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Against people who leave rehab and tell us how to live a healthier life.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: and go on talk shows while still obviously high as frickin' kites.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Against obnoxious, overpaid actors who preach gun control while firing zillions of weapons in every freakin' movie from shotguns to bazookas.

TIMPF: Against those who lecture us on the environment, for hopping on a private jet packed with hookers and blow.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: That were also flown in with private jets filled with hookers and blow.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: So how do we strike

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Well, the next time you're pushing some product.

TIMPF: We might just choose something else.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Or maybe, just maybe folks.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: We won't strike at all.

TIMPF: Because we've got a country to run.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Maybe you should remember that and quit being such jackasses.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: This message brought to you by the nobodies of America.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Well, done. All right. We're all nobody here. In other news, oh, yeah, it turns out scientists, reanimated lurch from "The Addams Family" and programmed him to run for President.


MAYOR BILL DE BLASIO, D-N.Y., PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: There's plenty of money in this world. There's plenty of money in this country. It's just in the wrong hands.


GUTFELD: It's too perfect. There's plenty of money in this country. It's just in the wrong hands. It's like they dug up Karl Marx and stretched him on the rack. He is half idiot, half moron and all communist.

The Dems are screwed. They need to find their own Trump, not their own marbled slab of termite infested driftwood.


GUTFELD: Is that a little harsh? Anyway, de Blasio running for President, can you believe it?


DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT: I can't believe it? I just heard that the worst mayor in the history of New York City and without question the worst mayor in the United States is now running for President. It's just not going to happen.

If you like high taxes and if you like crime, you could vote for him, but most people aren't into that.

Really, you would be better off if you got back to New York City and did your job for the little time you have left.


(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: I don't care what you say. He is America's heckler.


GUTFELD: But boy, is de Blasio hated. Everyone despises him. Cabbies, cops, lefties, righties, here's how the average New Yorker greeted him as he announced his run.


CROWD: (Chanting "Worst mayor ever." "Liar, liar." "Can't run the city, can't run the country.")


GUTFELD: Oh man, they treated Anthony Wiener better and he is a sex offender. De Blasio's own party hates him. Seventy four percent of Democrats think he shouldn't run. He is less popular than subway vomit.

Here's the chart. Yes, by a wide margin, people prefer subway vomit over a President de Blasio. So why is de Blasio doing this? I have a theory. He is high.


GUTFELD: The weed is getting way stronger and he hasn't adjusted his intake so now Captain Stoner thinks he can run the country. See, I prefer the good old days you know when you got high and ate uncooked ramen noodles, not run for President.

Actually, the only reason this vertical turd is still here, NYC had a great run under Giuliani and Bloomberg. So the city figured, "Hey, why not let an idiot run the place for a while."

It's like getting a face tattoo. Things are going great. So let's make my mother cry. America is not like New York, though. Not at all. They like city slickers. But only if they are knocking the hell out of swamp creatures.


TRUMP: We are knocking the hell out of the swamp creatures as we call them. We're knocking the hell -- they've never had a time like this. They say, "What the hell is going on?"


GUTFELD: Or trying to pronounce the name of a bridge?


TRUMP: I-10 Bridge. You know the I-10 Bridge?


TRUMP: Calcasieu. But I like I-10 much better. Can we go by I-10? Do you mind? Okay. You know, you've been saying that word your whole lives. Me? I just heard it about 20 minutes ago.


GUTFELD: Can he just be President for life?


GUTFELD: But I wonder if Bernie is crazy.


TRUMP: Bernie is crazy. Bernie is crazy. But Bernie has got a lot more energy than Biden. So you never know. Now, Bernie has got a lot of energy. But its energy to get rid of your jobs. He's got the opposite energy that you produce. Not good energy. You don't like his energy.


GUTFELD: But what of Pocahontas?

TRUMP: Pocahontas, I think is probably out.


GUTFELD: Thanks to him. Meanwhile, life rolls on and a prediction comes true. A few years ago, we wondered here at the show, what would happen if we reversed tensions with global adversaries? Meaning instead of always hearing about how Iran wants to destroy us? What if Iran started hearing about us destroying them? What if America became the dangerous dude in the bar?

Well, it's happening. And what's the result? Are you hearing Iran shout "Death to America?" Nope. Instead you hear the Ayatollah saying, "Hey, whoa. We don't want a war. Where did you get that idea?" That's the reversal. We used to be this guy.


GUTFELD: Now, we're this guy.


GUTFELD: It ended well for him. It ended well for that gentleman. So we have a President willing to scare the other countries for once. And it's working, which also terrifies the media. I mean, what if this unstable maniac happens to be right, and you're wrong? By now, they should be used to it.

(Cheering and Applause)


GUTFELD: Thank you very much. Let's welcome tonight's guests. He is so tough, barbed wire got a tattoo of him in the 90s, retired Green Beret Master Sergeant, Terry Schappert.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: He is so attractive, he makes magnets jealous. His new book is called "Success Factor X," actor, Sean Kanan.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: She is the crass lass who loves small mouth bass, host of the "Tyrus and Timpf Podcast," Kat Timpf.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: He is so tall he's never seen a sunset, former WWE superstar, and my massive sidekick, Tyrus.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: All right, Terry.


GUTFELD: Oh, thank you.

SCHAPPERT: But he writes it for you, doesn't he?

GUTFELD: Yes, Trump writes it for me.

SCHAPPERT: He is actually making you lazy.


SCHAPPERT: Because he's gives it to you on a silver platter and you just present it in a nice way.

GUTFELD: I do and let's stop talking about how lazy I am and how much you've aged in the past few years.

SCHAPPERT: That hurts.

GUTFELD: Let's talk about - you're pretty good with foreign policy.

SCHAPPERT: Before we do this, my mom has a picture of me, it's a unicorn from Mom Schappert. And by the way, you can change that picture after the show, but not until.

GUTFELD: I have a feeling this will be seeing the inside of an emergency room later.

SCHAPPERT: Yes, foreign policy.



GUTFELD: Let's get to the point, you rambling weirdo.

SCHAPPERT: Let's get to why we're here. Yes.

GUTFELD: Iran? Thoughts?

SCHAPPERT: They're really nice people -- no, this is -- you're right. We started talking about it back there. For once, it's nice to actually stand up to them. There's a lot of people wringing their hands. I was 25 years in, in Special Forces. So I get the potential problem and the life and death. I do get that.

But I also know, Obama, kind of to his discredit has set us up a bit here. $1.5 billion, validating them. And the thing is too, it's interesting -- I was thinking about this today coming in, we've normalized things.

So we've normalized the idea that Iran can have a nuclear weapon, now it's just like, let's not hurt each other. We've normalized, I get on a plane today from North Carolina. I can't bring a water bottle. I can't do this. I can't do that. I have to pay special extra money for --

GUTFELD: You have to wear pants.

SCHAPPERT: I have to wear pants at boots which is wrong.


SCHAPPERT: Which is wrong. But again, people forget, why are we doing that? Well, there's a monument down the street here that will tell you why we can't do that. But we just accept it as the new norm.


SCHAPPERT: So the new norm should not be let's just buckle and try to find a way -- no, crush them. At least make them think that they're going to get crushed. And that's worth it.

GUTFELD: That's a good point, whatever your name is.

SCHAPPERT: Yes, you don't care. Why do you even ask me questions?


GUTFELD: I don't know. Sean --

SCHAPPERT: Then you buckle.

GUTFELD: Didn't you do -- is it "Full House?" Didn't you do "Full House" with --


GUTFELD: You were with Alyssa Milano briefly.

KANAN: It was "Who's the Boss."

GUTFELD: "Who's the Boss." Was it who's the house?

KANAN: I can't even remember. It was like 30 years ago.

GUTFELD: Yes. Back when you were in your 40s.

KANAN: Yes, right.


SCHAPPERT: What's wrong with that? What's wrong with you?

GUTFELD: What are your thoughts on -- let's talk about Trump, I guess, or you could talk about Alyssa if you want. But if those are bad memories --

KANAN: A whiplash right there.

GUTFELD: We could talk about Trump and his effect on politics in general. What are your -- what's your take?

KANAN: Well, this whole thing that you were talking to Terry about Iran. I don't get these guys. I mean, they're the ones that fund terrorism all over the Middle East. They chant "Death to America" and now, suddenly like their nose is out of joint because there's a Carrier Strike Group sent over to check their asses.

I mean, it's about time. You know, they're like the little drunk guy after a bar closes, and they start.

TIMPF: Greg.

KANAN: They start provoking the big guy.

GUTFELD: Right, right.

KANAN: And then when the big guy starts walking toward him, he's like, "Hold me back. Hold me back."

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes. That is me.


KANAN: You're right. That is you.

GUTFELD: That is me.

SCHAPPERT: Kat confirmed.

GUTFELD: Although, I just do it at home. I don't really go to bars anymore. You know, Kat. Are you tired of woke celebs? I'm all for celebs talking about anything. But now they're just ultra woke.

TIMPF: Yes, I am. And especially Alyssa Milano and what she did here because she may think that she's super woke and progressive and feminist. But what she was doing with this is actually one of the most sexist, puritanical things I've ever seen, because what she's doing is perpetuating that antiquated notion that women only have sex as a bargaining chip, or as a gift or a concession to men instead of enjoying sex for its own sake.

(Cheering and Applause)

TIMPF: And she said that --

GUTFELD: You perverts.

TIMPF: And she said that Republicans are the one trying to bring about "The Handmaid's Tale" and she's also says that Republicans are trying to -- I mean, she's all about women wanting to control their own bodies, but she's telling me what to do with mine. Like I don't think so. And also what is sex? Hi, dad.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: You're saying this purely from a hypothetical standpoint?

TIMPF: Hypothetical. I took a guess.

SCHAPPERT: Where are girls that the dig sex for sexes? I am just -- I am asking.

KANAN: You know what's ironic, her new show is called, "Insatiable."


SCHAPPERT: All right.

GUTFELD: See, that's interesting. I didn't even know she had a show.

KANAN: She does.

GUTFELD: Wow. Well, good for her. Tyrus?

GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, CONTRIBUTOR: I'm actually a little upset. I had planned a couple of strikes myself in counter of the sex strike. I was going to --


MURDOCH: I was already -- I got at least five or six other dudes that probably want to come on and have that conversation, the strike was going down, yes, a checking in strike was going now.


MURDOCH: And listening about your mother was strike was going down.

(Cheering and Applause)

MURDOCH: So I had a whole --

SCHAPPERT: A whole bunch of them.


SCHAPPERT: An arsenal.

MURDOCH: Because guess what, ladies? You take that away. We've got nothing to talk about. But it's just a typical thing with celebrities. Sex right strike. Who's with me?


MURDOCH: You know what I mean? Like, Don Lemon will run it anyway, like, five or six people. These are the people like, "Yes, let's do it." Let's be real. You don't have anyone to sex strike with right. So you're already on a sex strike if you want to be polite about it.

GUTFELD: Yes, it's like me giving up escargots.


TIMPF: I just don't understand how she doesn't see the irony of it. The exact same tweet she says bodily autonomy for women, but don't have sex with yours. Come on. What are you talking about?

GUTFELD: Yes, well, you know what? It seems like she's no longer the boss.

MURDOCH: Oh, my God, Greg. Well, played sir.

SCHAPPERT: That's a low hanging fruit.

GUTFELD: That was very low hanging fruit. I am very short, so I need the low hanging fruit or I won't eat. That's how I survived in the Serengeti. What am I talking about?

All right, the teleprompter is dead. So I'm going to say coming up, awesome Beto, gets a haircut. Stay tuned.

(Cheering and Applause)


ANNOUNCER: And now “The Greg Gutfeld Show” presents the 2020 CAN'T-idates.

GUTFELD: Nice job, Nora. Twenty three Democrats 23 faces. It's like a collection of Halloween masks and boy, are they scary? Only one will take on Donald Trump. Will it be Beto?

He tried to reset his campaign on something called "The View."


JOY BEHAR, COHOST, THE VIEW: Would you say those are mistakes being on the cover of "Vanity Fair"?


BEHAR: It looks elitist? What? What's wrong?

O'ROURKE: Yes, yes. I think it reinforces that perception of privilege and that headline that said I was born to be in this and the article is attempting to say that I felt that my calling was in public service. No one is born to be President of the United States of America. Least of all me.



KANAN: I am going to say something. I have never in my career wanted to do a fight for charity before. And I've got to tell you, if Beto wants to step in the octagon, I'm down because the guy -- you putz.

GUTFELD: Sean, I find that interesting, but let me finish this.

KANAN: Well, it is your show, Greg.

GUTFELD: All right, so this is the new Beto. No more posting his trips to the dentist. That was the old Beto. The new Beto livestream says haircuts.

Hey Beto, how are the kids doing?


O'ROURKE: They're down to under two weeks left in school. So they're all excited this morning. We were talking about how many days are left in the school year.

We're cutting out some of this ear hair that you get when you get older, it grows out of your ears. And if you don't get it cut, it could be nasty.


GUTFELD: He really is the opposite of appealing.


GUTFELD: He is going to need a lot of resets. Meantime, Kirsten Gillibrand was asked if she was being underestimated. She said, quote, "I think people are generally biased against women." What a mean thing to say about our own party. Wasn't the last candidate the Dems ran a woman? Who as Dems like to point out won the popular vote? That's gender bias. So with such a big field, who will rise to the top and possibly beat Trump? Maybe none of them just asked Mark Cuban.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Who do you think on the Democratic side right now has the best chance against President Trump.



GUTFELD: Kind of makes you wonder. Three hundred -- get this, 350 million people and that's the best we could do?


TRUMP: Three hundred and fifty million people and that's the best we could do. I don't think so. Even as Democrats, I could pick better than that.


GUTFELD: This is going to be fun. America's heckler. All right, Kat. Are you sexist for not supporting Kirsten Gillibrand?

TIMPF: Right, exactly. I thought about that, because I don't support her. And yet, I didn't think I was sexist against myself.

But I don't think her problem is that she's a woman. I think her problem is that she is so boring that she can't make headlines. And even when she does make headlines, the headlines are about how boring she is.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true.

MURDOCH: Kat, say that again.

TIMPF: Right?

MURDOCH: Say that again.

TIMPF: Vote for me, I play beer pong with water. Like vote for me, somebody just pushed past me to get Ranch dressing while I was talking.

I am not a political consultant. But I feel like the good rule of thumb is if your candidate is less interesting than a condiment, you probably picked the wrong one.

(Cheering and Applause)


KANAN: Yes, sir.

GUTFELD: I believe that you challenged Beto to a fight because you know you could beat him up.

KANAN: Well, I don't even care if I could beat him up. I just want to take a shot. You know --

MURDOCH: His finishing move is the apology. I'm sorry.

KANAN: Look, they have a saying in Texas, and I know this because I'm from Pennsylvania.


KANAN: This guy is all hat and no cattle, so get along, doggy. I just -- I don't get it.

GUTFELD: I'm all cattle and no hat, but that's a medical problem.

KANAN: I'm all beef, and that's something else.

GUTFELD: Yes. Tyrus. I'm tying my shoe right now.

SCHAPPERT: Is that what you were doing?


MURDOCH: You didn't even look down.

GUTFELD: I know.

MURDOCH: Standing ovation. He did it.

(Cheering and Applause)

SCHAPPERT: That was good.

MURDOCH: Now for your next trip, do this.

GUTFELD: Terrible.

MURDOCH: He can't put his feet on the ground.

GUTFELD: Thoughts on the race?

MURDOCH: What? Is there one?

GUTFELD: I don't know.

MURDOCH: I don't think -- you know what, I think the new slogan for that what was it? Twenty five is 2024, we got this. I think that's where you go. I think that's where you're at because they're in. Wow, they're already on re-relaunches.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes.

MURDOCH: And I thought -- poor Beto, man. Like he was getting fed lines. She was like, "So you're sorry, right? You were in "Vanity Fair," right? You're mad about that, YOU should have been there." Yes, yes, like I can't wait.

How would that negotiation go with China?



MURDOCH: He would come out of that meeting, "I'd just like to say to the remaining 36 states, we're going to get our stuff together. The rest of you, please pack your bags. You now belong to China. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry."

GUTFELD: Terry, I look at Beto, you could tell that he's unhappy about his lot in life, he is a guy who really wanted his own TED Talk. But be up there and wave his arms about anything yet, but he has no substance he wishes he was in Green Day. So he just had to marry a rich woman.

SCHAPPERT: That's true. Here's the funny thing about all of them so far that I've seen. There's some of them I don't even know. There's like 25, but the ones that I see a lot they're basically just garden variety left wing socialist, with identified different victim groups and those victim groups change all the time.

I think a lot of people -- whatever side you're on, I think that the whole victim thing is getting kind of old. It's getting kind of old.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: We need to get beyond that. All right, I've got to wrap. I personally as a New Yorker would like to apologize to America for exporting de Blasio and Gillibrand. We're probably going to be sending you subway rodents, which would be the size of baby fists or my fists, because these are baby fists.

All right, up next, the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show won't be on TV anymore. Too bad. They were always so informative.

(Cheering and Applause)


AISHAH HASNIE, CORRESPONDENT: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Aishah Hasnie. Right now, we want to get to severe weather slamming the central U.S. At least 30 tornadoes have been reported over the past 24 hours. The storm stretching from Texas to Minneapolis left hundreds of thousands without power. Storm chasers captured this tornado touching down in Mineola, Kansas, the twister leaving behind a trail of destruction, destroying several homes and businesses and this possible tornado touching down in beaver Oklahoma. So far no serious injuries have been reported.

Well celebrity chef, Jose Andres offering a job to a fired New Hampshire cafeteria worker. Bonnie Kimball was terminated for feeding a student who couldn't pay. She was offered her job back Friday, but doesn't want it. Kimball says the company is worried about negative headlines and response - - no response yet on Andres' offer. I'm Aishah Hasnie, now back to “The Greg Gutfeld Show.”

GUTFELD: The Victoria Secret Fashion Show will no longer be televised. Let me be the first to say nighty night.

I hate you. That was great.

SCHAPPERT: I thought that was good.

GUTFELD: For the first time since 2001. The underwear parade will not be seen on network TV, and a memo to staff. The company CEO said network TV is no longer the right fit, and they will rethink the annual event. The show had been declining in ratings in recent years. So who knows? Maybe it will be shown on some digital platform.

Digital -- there's a joke in there and I'm not going to explain it to you people because you don't deserve it.


GUTFELD: Anyway. Meanwhile, I hear they're going to replace it with a remake of CHIPS.


GUTFELD: Is there any other way to ride than dirty? Sean, heartbroken over this or what?

KANAN: I think it's a horrible idea. I don't support it. Big fan of Victoria's Secret. I just -- seeing the network executives saying okay, you know we were going to get rid of the Victoria's Secret. We need something. It's progressive. Something edgy, dynamic. Let's go with Season 17 of "NCIS."

GUTFELD: Yes, there you go. Yes, there is Season 17, Tyrus, of "NCIS." Though I've never seen a single episode.

MURDOCH: Really? I'm still waiting for Season 1. Yes, I'm good. If it ain't "Law and Order," I can't --

GUTFELD: Is this depressing that like somehow everything is going away because it's somehow violating something?



MURDOCH: I don't know how to answer that.

GUTFELD: Yes, I know.

MURDOCH: Because you know, every time I ever heard about Victoria's Secrets, it was, "Would I look fat in that? Would I look good in that?" I'm like, "Yes, you look phenomenal in that." A lot of thick girls have wings.



MURDOCH: That's what I've been saying.

KANAN: You are the master.

MURDOCH: I'm just saying, like it's just an argument for me. I'm glad it's gone. Because let's be honest, like most women that we're in relationships with, honey, are healthy, and they're not starving models on the runway.

So you know, we can get back to what's real. There's nothing wrong with the Target underwear. It's good. It's fine. They're all good.

GUTFELD: Any underwear, when you're there and if you get there, then it doesn't really -- it's like hurray. That's great. Terry, you buy a lot from Victoria's Secret. You don't have a girlfriend, which is interesting.

SCHAPPERT: All the time.

GUTFELD: Isn't it weird that it was on TV in the first place?

SCHAPPERT: Yes. Good one. Because I've never watched it not because I don't like those girls with wings. Because who doesn't like that? But I was just -- it just seems weird.

GUTFELD: Yes, where are the men, you kept saying? Where are the men?

SCHAPPERT: It's weird. It's sort of like -- it's like --


SCHAPPERT: What are you laughing at? What are you laughing at? Tyrus, look at me eye contact. No laughing. A lot of judgment, Tyrus.

SCHAPPERT: It always seems like, dude, thick girls with wings, that's going to stay with me.

MURDOCH: It should.

SCHAPPERT: You're right. I always felt like if you were watching it the way they had on network television. I feel like I was like reading a "Playboy" in front of my mom.


SCHAPPERT: Except you don't do that.

KANAN: You hide it under the bed.

GUTFELD: It makes everybody uncomfortable. Also, Kat, it discriminates against the plain. These girls are like -- I will get arrested if I dress like that in a public park. And I know.


MURDOCH: From experience.

TIMPF: You know, a lot of my friends who are women enjoyed watching this and I don't get it. I don't know what's fun to sit there and be like, "Oh look, her body is better than mine. I like this." Like, why not just invite someone over to sit and call you a stumpy little troll for three hours? I don't understand at all.

But I have been forced to watch it though, Greg with those friends and there's knowing one thing made me feel better.


TIMPF: They have fake hair, too.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: I don't know. I don't know. I just said -- you know we're -- part of me is like I'd never watched it anyway. Never. Nada. But like beauty pageants are getting rid of the swimsuit. Bikini baristas are being targeted for unemployment.

SCHAPPERT: It's not that they're going away. It's why they're going away.

GUTFELD: You can't tell dirty jokes anymore at the hospital.

SCHAPPERT: That's why they're going --


GUTFELD: Anyway, I better move on.

SCHAPPERT: It's why they're going away that sucks. Not that they're going away.

GUTFELD: Terry, we made that point.

SCHAPPERT: I'm not done.

GUTFELD: No. Up next. When was the last time you made a new friend? We've got a new product idea that will make you the talk of the town. That's next.

(Cheering and Applause)


GUTFELD: Have we reached the end in finding new friends. A new study shows the average American hasn't made a new friend in five years. Some reasons include shyness and introversion, commitments to family, lacking hobbies that allow them to meet new people.

But thankfully, finding a new buddy just got a whole lot easier. Watch.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Making friends is hard. I just moved to the city and I don't really have any hobbies. I just wish there were an easier way to make friends.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Well now there is. It's a briefcase full of $400,000.00.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hey, what's up, guys? I'm Jeff, you want to talk about sports?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: We're okay, pal.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What if I give you all of this money?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Okay, how about those Mets?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hey, you think you can help me move my stuff? It's really heavy?


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Wait, wait. What if I gave you all of this money?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh, yes. I'll help you all day, dude.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I have to tell you about my day.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh, I've got to go.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Wait, what if I give you all this money?



UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It's the best friend a guy could ever have, a briefcase full of $400,000.00 and it's yours for $400,000.00 plus $400,000.00 shipping and handling.


(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Tyrus, what are your thoughts on this study?

MURDOCH: The word friend is a big term, like I think it depends on who you are, like, made most of my friends when I was younger and I really don't need new ones. So in the places that I go are not really places I want to make friends.

When I'm at the gym, on this show. Like there's just things that I don't - - I don't do it. It's like different.

Also, I mean, people are on the internet so much. Why do you want to be friends with a guy who's talking to a fake woman from Vietnam on his iPad all day? I just -- the world has changed. There's not as much interaction anymore.

GUTFELD: I know, it's hard to be friend with you, Tyrus. We can't go to the park and play see-saw.


GUTFELD: I'll go flying. If we do -- if we get in the see-saw, I'd go flying into space.

MURDOCH: Because that's what you want to do. You want to go to the park and play see-saw. See, I knew this was going to be some weird outlet. No, no, I'm not taking the magic pill with you either for wine. So yes, let it go.

GUTFELD: He never gets sleepy. Kat, thoughts?

TIMPF: Well, I think it's actually pretty easy to make friends. I make a new friend every like 10 hours.


TIMPF: It is keeping the friends that is hard. Especially if you're a woman, all you have to do, walk into a bar bathroom and start washing your hands next to someone. Or if that doesn't work, ask her for a tampon, you will have a conversation. You will follow each other on Instagram. And you'll feel bad unfollowing each other. So you'll just keep following each other till you both die.

And if that's not friendship, I don't know what is, Greg.


SCHAPPERT: I hadn't thought about that at all.

MURDOCH: Men don't talk in the bathroom.

GUTFELD: I have a theory. Terry.

SCHAPPERT: Yes, sir.

GUTFELD: Did you know that if you were murdered, then there's a 95 percent chance that you, the victim will know the perpetrator. So it's far safer not to know anyone. So --

SCHAPPERT: It's like if you don't want to get attacked by a shark, don't go in the water.

GUTFELD: So if you don't have any friends, you won't get murdered. Instead you die old and alone.

SCHAPPERT: Which is a good way to go.

GUTFELD: I'm working on it.

SCHAPPERT: You and I are going to be that way.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.

SCHAPPERT: You're right a little bit. Yes, I don't know, man. I think Tyrus is right. The society has changed a bit. It depends on what you do. Most people when they get to their careers, they probably stay in that area and don't do that much.

Me, as an international man of mystery, I'm meeting people all the time. So I'm meeting all sorts of friends, but --

GUTFELD: There's not much mystery to you.

SCHAPPERT: Yes, okay.

GUTFELD: We know what you do after the show.

SCHAPPERT: Not nice. And I'm not loving the code. But that's okay. We'll get we'll get along as you. This is why we're not together anymore. Because you like to embarrass me in front of people.

I think it changes and there is a lot of internet stuff, but it's all yes, man. I make new friends quite a bit. It depends. But I think when you're younger, you really -- it's different.

MURDOCH: I'm talking about core friends. That you don't want to speak to you like me and my boys don't talk for like five years and we're fine.

SCHAFFERT: Like my Army guys. Like I can talk -- I will talk to those cats forever. But if I get on the phone, we're insulting each other, like we never parted ways.

GUTFELD: Kat likes to talk to cats.

KANAN: When you're 20, you can be friends with anybody.

TIMPF: I talk to my cats.

KANAN: It's like an upside down pyramid. You know, as you get older, and you know what you want out of life --

SCHAPPERT: It kind of goes like that.

KANAN: Your friend pool gets smaller and smaller.

TIMPF: Yes, that's why my friend pool gets smaller and smaller.

KANAN: And we start dying.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true. Most of my friends are dead. Usually it's my fault. Yes, I'm a terrible cook.

KANAN: You're a terrible cook.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's right. Friends, I -- you should look at friends like - as an expertise leech, meaning that you have a satellite of pals. Each one has a unique talent that you can exploit kind of like Super Friends. So you know, it's like, each friend should have something and you should have something, too. I don't. But you know --

MURDOCH: So just use people.

GUTFELD: Use people is what I'm getting at. Thank you for saving me on that. All right, up next. Is humor dead? Well, if you're watching Seth Meyers, the answer is probably yes.

(Cheering and Applause)


GUTFELD: They weren't amused at his joke about booze. A man was allegedly booted off a Southwest Airlines flight for making a joke about vodka. It happened in Sacramento. Take off was delayed a few hours.

Passengers say attendants were giving out water and one guy asked if they were handing out vodka because they've been waiting forever. Flight attendant said, yes, it's vodka. The guy took a sip and joked, "Hey, this isn't vodka." She didn't laugh and despite other passengers defending him, the plane returned to the gate and cops asked the man to leave.

Southwest to their credit instantly executed him. Not really. They released this statement -- part of a statement. "We regret any less than positive experience a customer has onboard our aircraft." Makes sense? It could have been worse, it could have been this guy.


GUTFELD: Child should be arrested. Sean, I maintain that humor is a device that is used to de-escalate situations from violence. We have a generation that doesn't like humor, which means we're going to have more violence.

KANAN: I completely agree with that. I mean, first of all, isn't Southwest supposed to be the fun airline?


KANAN: You know, the so I read this article and basically, I guess the guy who got kicked off his wife had said to the flight attendant, you know, look, we've all been on this tarmac for a while, deescalate, take it easy.

And she said, "Well, I've been on the tarmac too for a while." And I'm like, "You're a flight attendant. It's your job to be wherever the plane is."

GUTFELD: That's so true. That is so true.

KANAN: Give me vodka.



GUTFELD: I don't know. This is the part where you respond with a witty or informative answer.

SCHAPPERT: I've got nothing. I don't actually drink on planes, man. I always feel crappy when I get to where I'm going. Yes, so that's all I got.

GUTFELD: Really?

SCHAPPERT: I think you're right about humor.

KANAN: Hence, the death of humor.


KANAN: Hence, stick in the mud.

SCHAPPERT: You're right about -- I think if you -- just to segue a little bit. One thing you can see how society is or isn't is the state of comedy. Have you noticed?

Comedians now are -- they are shackled? Like you even talk to these comedians. They won't go on campuses, because they get -- it's not funny anymore.

GUTFELD: But some are actually embracing the humorlessness.

SCHAPPERT: That's bad.

GUTFELD: Like Seth Meyers, you watch his show and he is now basically a schoolmarm.

SCHAPPERT: He is just a scold. Yes, he's a scold.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. It's like -- people used to be shocking, Kat.

SCHAPPERT: The minute -- sorry.

GUTFELD: Sorry. No, go ahead.

SCHAPPERT: No, I was going to say, the minute the shocking stuff and the ability to say these kind of things which Kat is a big proponent of, the ability to have that -- to have that taken away from you, you're done. Society is like -- you're getting crushed. It's a good thermometer -- barometer.

GUTFELD: Barometer - thermometer, rectal, wherever.

MURDOCH: There we go. I knew that was coming.


GUTFELD: It's a bigger problem than the Southwest story, which we're just using basically as a trampoline to the bigger issue.


TIMPF: Right. I am a libertarian.

GUTFELD: Oh, good for you.

TIMPF: So I feel like most things should be legal. This should not be because if you can't make a joke about a liquid that comes from a root vegetable, you are not living in a free country.

GUTFELD: That is true.

TIMPF: I just wish I could have been there at the gate when they had to turn around. "Ma'am, why did you turn this plane around?" "Well, because a guy made a joke about a vegetable product." It's like people -- you can't have that kind of power if you're that kind of stupid. I really, really don't think you should.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Maybe, Tyrus this could be a story that had another part, too that we don't know.

MURDOCH: Oh, it has a big part to it. I can't believe no one is letting this go.

GUTFELD: Oh, what?

MURDOCH: The story says man was kicked off the plane, right?


MURDOCH: It means his wife went anyway?


MURDOCH: He got kicked off the plane and his wife said, "Well, I mean, I told you not to give me." Timing is everything. A bad joke is a bad joke. He got kicked off by himself.


KANAN: I'll take your --

MURDOCH: And the wife went.

GUTFELD: It means, she set him up. Maybe she set him up.

MURDOCH: If it would have been the other way around. If Oh, Margaret, we will call her Margaret. I like that. If Margaret cracked the vodka joke and they kicked her off. Guess what? Her second joke would have been?


MURDOCH: Let's go.

(Cheering and Applause)

MURDOCH: Honey, why are you sitting there? And then the husband would have been like, "Oh, well, dear, they technically said, I'm going." And then he went out to leave.

GUTFELD: You know, I do think that this is ...

MURDOCH: It is sexist, man.

GUTFELD: I think this is the product of safe spaces. I'm probably 87 percent wrong on this that maybe the flight attendant is younger.

SCHAPPERT: Right, we don't know.

GUTFELD: And we've been telling --

MURDOCH: Or really old.

GUTFELD: Old flight attendants are hilarious. They are so much fun.

MURDOCH: Yes, they are.

GUTFELD: They always give me booze. Always.

TIMPF: It wasn't even really --

GUTFELD: And they watch Fox.

TIMPF: It wasn't even a joke. He just said this is not vodka. That was true. He was just stating the fact.

KANAN: That's why they kicked him off for that?

SCHAPERT: Yes, it was ridiculous.

GUTFELD: But the thing is if you're telling kids that a joke is like a projectile, like a physical projectile, so when somebody says something they go [gibberish]. That's my impression of getting hit in the face with a projectile. What do you think?

MURDOCH: Not bad. I give it a six.

GUTFELD: You give it a six.

MURDOCH: Six and a half.

GUTFELD: Do I have a future in acting?

SCHAPPERT: If you tighten up a little bit, you're good.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. You're not my method actor.


GUTFELD: Or am I a methadone actor. Anyway. That was good. "Final Thoughts" next.

(Cheering and Applause)


ANNOUNCER: "Final Thoughts." It's the last thought that's why it's called the "Final Thoughts." Okay.

GUTFELD: All right. "Final Thoughts" Terry. Sounds kind of depressing.

SCHAPPERT: Hey if you're bored, I've got a pretty funny show on Amazon and Netflix. First two seasons to run. It's called "Hollywood Weapons." Big fun. Explosions. Guns. Check it out.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Great. Sean. I assume you have a new book out?

KANAN: I do. I have a new book out. It's called, "Success Factor X," with my partner, Jill Liberman. We went to 50 of America's best and asked them for their advice on success. And one of those 50 is Master Sergeant Terry Schappert.

(Cheering and Applause)

SCHAPPERT: They were going to ask Greg, but they just figured out he is really not that successful.

GUTFELD: You're fired.

SCHAPPERT: I'm gone.

GUTFELD: Kat. Anything?

TIMPF: I don't know. I just seriously ate too much cabbage before the show and I just want to go home. So if we can just move it along.

GUTFELD: What is the effect from eating cabbage?

TIMPF: I feel like I'm going to throw up.

GUTFELD: Really?


GUTFELD: You mean literally?

TIMPF: It was stuffed cabbage. There was pork involved as well.

GUTFELD: Do you know what? That could be great TV.

TIMPF: If I threw up?


TIMPF: All right. I'll work on it.

GUTFELD: Okay. Tyrus, you get the "Final Thoughts."

MURDOCH: Besides images of Kat throwing up stuff cabbage?


MURDOCH: If you get a chance, check out "Tyrus and Timpf" podcast. Throwing up cabbage --

SCHAPPERT: Or the vomit.

MURDOCH: Or the podcast. Maybe I can get her to throw up on there next week. So check it out.

GUTFELD: Awesome. Well, I think we threw up a good show. Thanks to Terry Schappert, Sean Kanan, Kat Timpf, Tyrus. Our studio audience. I'm Greg Gutfeld, I love you, America.

(Cheering and Applause)

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