Halloween, 'Happy Birthday' canceled by COVID?

This is a rush transcript from “The Greg Gutfeld Show," September 12, 2020. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: It's no Oscar, but Donald Trump was just nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize -- twice. In other news, Donald Trump will not win the Nobel Peace Prize -- twice. Why? Well, he's a big orange meanie who eats puppy brains smothered in ketchup.

And unlike previous winners, he's actually done stuff. Let's review.

He brokered a Middle East peace plan proving once again that if he is racist, he is really bad at it.

As white leftists burned minority businesses to the ground, Trump and his Jewish son-in-law brought Israel and the United Arab Emirates together. He also got Kosovo and Serbia to the table. But that wasn't news, because there was no anonymous source reporting that Trump called the Kosovo stenographer, a fat cow. He didn't by the way.

Then there's North Korea. Yes, they are still nuts. But what would you rather have? A nut who thinks you're out to get them or a nut who realizes you don't really care? That's what Trump did. He removed a psychological variable that had all of us on edge.

The media wants you to forget this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: An accidental alert went out across Hawaii urging people to take shelter due to an incoming ballistic missile. The false alarm was eventually called off, but not before Hawaiians and tourists started scrambling even saying their goodbyes.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: It's like that never happened. You know, I'm thinking Hawaii should send Trump a gift basket, you know, with those chocolate covered macadamia nuts. I love those.

Still, he's not going to win the prize. You know, who has got a greater chance? This guy. Or this guy. Hell, even just the pillow has a better chance.

But Trump's accomplishments are deeds and the media prefers words from private conversations. Unproven allegations defined as bombshells then called mostly confirmed from the same source.

It's like me telling you that I'm a woodland nymph. When you ask for confirmation, you go to Tyrus, and he says, yes, he told me that, too.

It's hard for the press. You've got a guy who says offensive things privately, yet makes the world safer. They'd wish he'd just be polite, like other Presidents who send more people to their deaths. Fact is, Trump is handing out peace plans like sunblock at a nudist camp.

But that doesn't matter, because in a world of camels, Trump is completely unfiltered and the media will always interpret his words at their worst.

But you know, who else says offensive things privately? You, me, the hypocrites in media, hell, some even kiss Trump's rump.

(BEGIN AUDIO CLIP)

JEFF ZUCKER, President, CNN: I think the other guys are going to be -- are going to gang up on him tremendously, and I think he's going to hold his own as he does every time.

He's never lost a debate. And you know what? He -- he is good at this.

I have all these proposals for him. Like, I want to do a weekly -- you know, I want to do a weekly show with him and all of this stuff. When -- is he back in New York tomorrow? Do you know?

(END AUDIO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Private conversation. Terrible. Speaking of CNN, I wonder if they'll trot out an old carcass to say Woodward's bombshells are graver than Watergate.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

CARL BERNSTEIN, CNN POLITICAL ANALYST: We listened to him cover up this grave national emergency. This is one of the great presidential felonies of all time, maybe the greatest presidential felony and we have the smoking gun tape of the President committing the felony.

The facts here are even graver than in Watergate.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Talking about grave. He's not far from one, but I miss him. It's been days since we heard that.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BERNSTEIN: What we are watching in the Trump presidency is worse than Watergate.

Are there echoes of Watergate in this? And there are --

As you know, I've said before that what we're seeing is worse than Watergate.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: You know, maybe Watergate wasn't so bad if everything is worse than it. So Trump refused to panic the public, while behind the scenes he went to work. How is this a bombshell or a smoking gun when we already heard about it publicly?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JIM ACOSTA, CNN CHIEF WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT: Is there any fairness to the criticism that you may have lulled Americans into a false sense of security when you were saying things like it's going to go away?

DONALD TRUMP (R), PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: I'm a positive person. This is really easy to be negative about. But I want to give people hope, too. You know, I'm a cheerleader for the country. We're going through the worst thing that the country has probably ever seen.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Wow, that's some cover up. How is that a smoking gun? But I do wonder how Bob Woodward gets these gigs. Agreeing to be interviewed by Woodward is like accepting an invitation for dinner from Jeffrey Dahmer. It's potluck, but you're in the pot.

But the media wants Trump to tell us we're all going to die because that's their MO. Here's an analogy. A good doctor sees something on an x-ray, isn't sure what it is. What does he do? He tells you they're going to do another test. It might be nothing. So don't panic.

Why does he say that? Because unnecessary panic is cruelty. You don't do that. The media does.

What if CNN were your doctor? Out of the blue, he gives you a call. Look, he says, my sources tell me you may have cancer. Insiders say they heard allegedly, it might be malignant. Now, if true, you only have days to live. And here's Carl Bernstein live from D.C. to tell you it's worse than leprosy.

And when you ask to see the actual data, he says, sorry, anonymous source, but tune in tomorrow when we pretend we never said this at all.

And let's not forget who really played down the pandemic. It's a classic cut.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GOV. ANDREW CUOMO (D-NY): We are saying what happened in other countries versus what happened here. We don't even think it's going to be as bad as it was in other countries.

REP. NANCY PELOSI (D-CA): Come to Chinatown. Here we are. We are again here, safe, and come join us.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN HOST: Half the people in America do not get a flu shot, and the flu right now is far deadlier. So if you're freaked out at all about the coronavirus, you should be more concerned about the flu.

MAYOR BILL DE BLASIO (D), NEW YORK CITY: And for the vast majority of New Yorkers, life is going on pretty normally right now and we want to encourage that.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: And now these fools accuse Trump of what they themselves did, as they also spent months denying the chaotic violence as cities burned. Here's an oldie but a goodie.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I don't want to be clear in how I characterize this. This is mostly a protest. It is not -- it is not generally speaking, unruly, but fires have been started.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Some fires. So you think there's a little transference going on here to get you to ignore their own idiocy? They want you once again to set your hair on fire over Trump's words, but I won't because offensive things said privately, it's not news, but peace deals are.

But these idiots see off the record words as bigger than deeds redefining private conversations as breaking news when it's just breaking wind.

Meanwhile, you're kind of happy there's less war and maybe lower taxes. It sure would be great if Trump tweeted and talked less, but that's different than saying I wish he'd stopped starting endless wars. We never have to say that.

But with less than two months away, there will be at least 60 more bombshells one a day and the media will embrace these duds while denying actual explosions on the street. Maybe they deserve a Nobel Prize for fiction.

ANNOUNCER: Period.

GUTFELD: Welcome tonight's guests. He must be made of magnets because he's so damn attractive. Author of "Don't Burn this Book," creator and host of "The Rubin Report," Dave Rubin.

He's got a kind face, the kind that scares people. Writer and comedian, Joe DeVito.

Her mind is as sharp is her bony little elbows. Host of "Sincerely, Kat" on FOX Nation, Kat Timpf.

And he'd gives you the shirt off his back which you can use as a car cover. My massive sidekick, and host of "Nuff Said" on FOX Nation, Tyrus.

All right, Dave has Trump done anything that isn't worse than Watergate?

DAVE RUBIN, POLITICAL COMMENTATOR AND AUTHOR:  Greg, I wasn't sure so I did a little research before we started the show today. And according to everything I could find online, Google, everywhere, we used to all be for peace in the Middle East. That was a thing that we all wanted.

It didn't matter if you were a Republican or a Democrat, a lefty or righty, conservative or liberal. It did not matter, we all wanted peace in the Middle East. Now, we're actually getting it and somehow because it comes from the orange man with the weird hair and the tweets now it's not so great anymore.

I mean, your monologue today was really fantastic because you're hitting it. The media does not want -- it does not know what to do anymore because he's doing all the things that everyone always said they wanted, but it's the guy that they all hate doing it and he's just got them freaking flipping their wigs at this point.

GUTFELD: Joe, it's true. It's like they would rather just prefer to have war than peace. If the peace is ushered in by somebody they can't stand.

JOE DEVITO, WRITER/COMEDIAN: Oh, absolutely. They'll never give him credit for anything. And Dave's right. I actually did more research. I even went to Ask Jeeves to do some research.

And Donald Trump, not only is he nominated for a Peace Prize, he's going to be the only one who is nominated for a peace prize, nominated for two Emmys and in the WWE Hall of Fame. So in your face, Dalai Lama.

When they gave the peace prize to Obama, he was getting his diploma on the first day of school and he followed that up with all kinds of drone strikes. He did not get us out of anything that you could remotely consider peaceful.

So give Trump credit and they refuse to do it and to even -- you know when you mentioned about this Watergate cover up nonsense. Yes, remember the Watergate cover up when Nixon gave that interview in the middle of it? He's not covering up anything.

GUTFELD: Yes. I don't know, Kat. Do you think that Trump has a chance this time? Or is it going to go to Greta Thunberg? Greta Thunberg?

KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Greta Thunberg. Yes, I don't know. I mean, Obama got one before he did anything, and then he didn't do anything. It's almost like you shouldn't give preemptive awards. But I do want to say, Greg, I sort of disagreed with your monologue maybe a little bit.

And I'm not saying that because I'm scared of you or I don't have confidence in my own brain, because I do. Because I'm bothered by the fact that he downplayed the virus but you were so correct to point out, he is hardly the first politician, person in an influential role to do something like that. All of them have done it, right?

I think that's wrong though. It upsets me. I don't want a person in a position of power to hide things from me to make me feel better because I don't want to be feeling better if the only reason I'm feeling better is my own ignorance, right? I think we should get all the facts.

And even if we freak out, if we decide we want to feel better by making ourselves dumb, there's always drinking.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true. Two points, Kat, A, you just don't want to feel good, so you prefer the bad news? And two, you're fired.

TIMPF: I'm fired. I had a longer run than I thought I would.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's the way to look at it. We have a cardboard box with all of your knickknacks from your office outside the studio.

TIMPF: I feel bad for whoever had to go through that.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. Tyrus, would you ever accept the offer for Bob Woodward to write about you? I don't -- I think that's. That is insane to me.

TIMPF: Yes.

GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Okay, well, first of all, yes, I would, because our interview will be a lot different.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Okay. And I would have had one of my homies in the room with me, just kind of staring at him the whole time when he would ask me a question.

TIMPF: Me?

MURDOCH: Why the hell are you talking alone with these people, Mr. President? How many books do you need before you go, hey, I'm going to stop giving these damn interviews to these people. But to go back to your point about not getting a Nobel Peace Prize, so what, bro? Welcome to the club.

We've been the number one show on cable TV for four years. We can't get a damn Emmy.

GUTFELD: That's true.

MURDOCH: We can't get a nomination. I've been on this show for over four years. I've been tweeted by the damn President from my jokes, and it's still -- this week's guests, Tyrus. Where's THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW with Tyrus?

TIMPF: Yes, we're guests.

MURDOCH: You know what I am saying? I'm still a guest.

GUTFELD: That's --

MURDOCH: I'm still a guest. You know what I am saying like, I'm literally -- so I get it, bro. It sucks to not be appreciated for the work. You're not getting the Nobel Peace Prize. We're not getting Emmys.

You know what Emmy does for me? And as far as the WWE Hall of Fame, he only had one match Mr. McMahon, I have like 300. Where's mine? You know what I'm saying, it's just -- it just drives me crazy. You know, to quote the VP, come on man.

GUTFELD: Hey, I have a new show to announce in support of "The Plus," it's Sunday, October 11th. H-E-B Center at Cedar Park, Texas, right by Austin. Join me and Tom Shillue as we talk about my new book.

It's going to be a socially distanced tailgate party. Tickets are on sale now. Go to https://urldefense.proofpoint.com/v2/url?u=http-3A__ggutfeld.com&d=DwICAg&c=cnx1hdOQtepEQkpermZGwQ&r=tgDLkJy54PfJyWJwul3dKe54qGxqO7b7d5vjo7RcZds&m=3ZiJ4Cx_LcEYLII4PjUvuv_a0LEN4klDe3kRDyXX_Lg&s=bebGM6fH9oEqOrNiXpgPNde_GMWjHGyJ6WhtqhkMDrE&e= for info.

Up next, we break down Trump's rally.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: He was feeling great in the Wolverine State. Trump held a rally in Michigan. It's a battleground state, you know? Do they love him there?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

AUDIENCE: (Chanting "We love you.")

DONALD TRUMP (R), PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Don't say that I'll start to cry. That wouldn't be good for my image. We don't want -- you don't want to see me cry.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: If there's one thing we learned about Trump, he doesn't say things out of ego.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: I don't say this out of ego, but I was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

TRUMP: Now I have to tell you, that's sort of a big thing.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I wonder has he done so much on so many different fronts?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: We have done so much on so many different fronts. Remember North Korea? Remember that we're going to be at war with North Korea. Where's the war? Where's the war?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Okay, fine. You handled North Korea and the Middle East and Kosovo. But what about the chicken tax?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: Do you know why? We have something called the chicken tax? Does anyone know what I'm talking about? The chicken tax?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Damn, he's got that covered, too. So look, Trump is getting stuff done and he is still having fun doing it. It's as if he is saying, young man, there's no need to feel down. Young man, pick yourself off the ground. Young man, because you're in a new town. There's no need to be unhappy.

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]

GUTFELD: All right. That is one of the greatest moments of my entire life, Joe. Is this -- the Village People -- I'm thinking about this? Okay, why did he choose that song? Is this expert trolling? Or is his this way of supporting law enforcement? Because there's a cop in the Village People? I don't know. Feel free to comment on anything from that block, but that's mind blowing to me.

DEVITO: Sure, well, it represents all the different American people from the working class. You have your cops, your construction workers, your Native Americans, your leather bikers. It's quite a rich tapestry.

Yes, well, maybe he is staying at the YMCA while Biden is in some sort of convalescent ward hooked up to a variety of blinking machines.

I think from watching that rally, it looks like Trump is -- he is starting to peak at the right moment. If you can see the way, he has got this Nobel Peace Prize nomination coming in, something to brag about. I know he hates to brag. You have to twist his arm.

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: But I can't see a state like Michigan, what would make you think he is going to lose that state this time? So I think, he is peaking at the right moment. I mean, it happened at the last second in 2016, but I think he's got the momentum going into this election.

GUTFELD: By the way, that Native American and Village People was actually Liz Warren. You did not know that. Just talk about it that much. But it's in her pedigree. Is that the word or -- never mind.

Tyrus --

MURDOCH: Repertoire.

GUTFELD: Repertoire. Thank you.

MURDOCH: Listen, his rallies are classic Trump rallies. It doesn't matter what they hit him with. Most politicians, that would have been their goodbye speech. He had the behind the scenes source that somebody heard through somebody that through their cousin that he said bad things about deceased veterans in France. And then of course, there was the interview excerpt that we all heard.

Most politicians would have been, that's a wrap, and they would have thanked everyone for their support. And they feel it's best for the country if they stepped down and move on. But not him. He broke out the Village People and proved that even if you don't have rhythm, it don't matter when you President Trump.

I don't know if anyone noticed that and I don't know if anybody can help him with that. But like literally he is like, clap, clap, and then he wanted to go for it. He wanted to go, but, I think what he was going for.

But he literally said, no, clap, clap. I'm not really sure. So you know what? The President is arrogant is he supposedly is, he is not afraid to be out of his comfort zone. Look, clap, clap. That was the first time, I've got it. Clap, clap, yes, I am a little nervous. Clap, clap. I'm almost -- I'm going to try it one more time. I'm feeling it. I'm feeling it. He just gives us one. He just gave us one. You know, because that's all crowd needed.

TIMPF: I wish whatever that is, was available in pill form.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I'd smoke it, too, whatever. I just really -- it's crazy because he just -- he goes out there and he says, here I am. This is what I've done. Really, really, really impressive because you know, I would be under the kind of -- people are talking smack about me. I won't go near my phone.

GUTFELD: Kat, I think it might be in pill form. I don't know. But --

TIMPF: I know. Any doctor --

GUTFELD: Any drugs that can help you.

TIMPF: I know that.

GUTFELD: To Kat's point, Dave, Trump has this superhuman ability not to be embarrassed. So if anything bad happens, he just gets out there and then because he forgets it, and he's willing to go out on a limb every day, people kind of go with him. It's weird.

RUBIN: Yes, well, what do we always tell kids? What's like, the most important thing that you can tell a kid? It's be yourself, right? Everyone is supposed to be themselves and it's just very obvious. Trump is himself, you know, like, even with the weird dancing and the out of sync clapping and all that. It's like, that's him and he is doing it and he is having fun and he's a braggart.

And even when he's joking around and he's like, you know not I want to pat myself on the back. I don't want to brag about this. I'm not saying this for my ego. And it's like that is him and the amazing thing about it, is that when you look back at all the Democratic candidates before they dragged out Biden's old bones. It's like Trump, this orange man with the crazy hair, he is more authentic than all of them put together and that should be studied by sociologists until the end of time.

GUTFELD: No, it's true. He's close -- you know, it's weird. So I've always said this, I think, maybe I did or didn't. But he is a billionaire who is closer to the Average Joe than most Average Joe's are close to billionaires. You know, I'm just going to shut up. It's my birthday, by the way. Thanks for the bleeps.

MURDOCH: He is not athletic, but he plays for keeps.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true.

RUBIN: It's your birthday.

GUTFELD: Yes, thanks for the cards, you jerks.

RUBIN: Happy birthday, brother.

TIMPF: Happy birthday, Greg.

GUTFELD: Up next, we're tops at losing our cops.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

MARIANNE RAFFERTY, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CORRESPONDENT: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Marianne Rafferty.

President Trump on the campaign trail tonight in Minden, Nevada. Rally goers waiting in line for several hours to get inside the airport site. The President accusing rival Joe Biden of spending decades selling out America. He says the former Vice President crushed the dreams of American workers to enrich foreign countries.

Now to those historic wildfires raging out West. More than two dozen people have died and dozens are missing. Authorities in Southern Oregon charging a 44-year-old man with first degree arson. That's for allegedly starting a fire in the woods near the Dexter state recreation area.

Flames across that state have destroyed communities and forced thousands from their homes. President Trump plans to visit California on Monday. More than 90 large fires are burning across the west.

I'm Marianne Rafferty, now back to the GREG GUTFELD SHOW.

GUTFELD: As we say goodbye to the police who shall keep the peace, Rochester, New York to the list of cities whose Police Chief has quit. And not only him, his entire command, too. The Dallas Police Chief stepped down as well.

This summer we've seen Seattle, Atlanta and many other cities Police Chiefs say "Adios" as violence continues across the country. Rochester protesters seem like they're trying to out jerk Portland, in Pittsburgh a protester violates your sidewalk dining to guzzle your beer. And in New York these lovelies were busted during a vandalism spree that cost six figures. Most reportedly come from privileged backgrounds. White over educated under informed brats.

Nineteen years ago, cops were heroes, the bravest people walking the earth. They ran toward the crumbling towers for you. Today, they're vilified leaving the force in droves. It's effed up, couple that with mayors living in denial who would never call that Trump guy for help.

You think we've got problems now? Wait until November. For more, we turn to our future November correspondent, Frank. What's November looking like, Frank?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Frank, what have you done here? Did someone tell you, you're going to puppy school today to become better behaved and you're rebelling even more, where did you go? Okay.

Frank, what have you got there?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That looks like my neighborhood. All right, Tyrus, am I going overboard in predicting that there's going to be a lot of unrest on Election Day forward? Am I crazy?

MURDOCH: No, no, you're not. I wish you were. I wish you were more like rating based news who will say Armageddon is coming in November. Brace yourself. Hurricanes, floods, cats and dogs living together. Complete anarchy.

But I think we're going to see a lot of it because we live in a time right now where there really isn't a lot of consequences and accountability for people's actions and people's words.

You know, we're looking at situations where Police Chiefs are stepping down. The situation in Rochester is crazy to me. There was some things that were wrong in that arrest. Five percent agree with it. And the consensus is they don't trust the police department to police the police.

So the mayor takes it out of their hands and gives it to the Attorney General and then it's not fast enough. So then you then destroy the Police Chief's career even though he did everything he was supposed to do, and now he is now stepping down. We're losing leadership.

Not only that, in court, we're losing minority leadership.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: That's who's stepping down. That's who's resigning. That's where we're losing. Dallas, we get the first black woman Police Chief in that area. And guess what? She's resigning.

So even though you're supposedly about equality and rights for others and liberal this and liberal that, there is an old, old Klansman sitting outside his trailer home in a rocking chair going, is that all we had to do? It was sit and watch? Because that is getting more bad stuff done to my people than it would be if we were having white nationalists marching in the streets. We can deal with that.

But this literally is destroying us from within. The message is, we're fighting for you, hash tag, if you're already there, we're going to take it away from you.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's amazing. Yes, it's -- so Kat, could -- you know you have the left marching for defunding police, but it seems like it's going to end up with ultimately privatization of security, the way DHL and FedEx started competing with the mail service, isn't that where we're going to end up with police? We're going to have private police like Robocop?

TIMPF: Right. Yes, it doesn't really logically make sense in that respect, and also, when you see the riots and those sorts of things, that makes it easier for people to call for more of a police state.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: So it doesn't make any sense. Also, with these -- the rich rioting kids, that doesn't make sense, either. Obviously, they're not doing anything to help the cause. But I'm guessing they know that, right? All those years of prestigious boarding school education, they probably know that. So I don't know. They're just bored.

I mean, when I was younger, my friends and I are bored. We go to 7-Eleven and not once were we like, you know what, today instead of getting a Slurpee, let's burn the joint down, you know, for black people. It doesn't make any sense. They should just find something else to do.

If you do care about the cause, do something that actually helps it or at the very least, find something to do that doesn't actively hurt it, which shouldn't be that hard for you, by the way, you're rich.

So go play like whatever waterpolo is.

GUTFELD: Whatever waterpolo --

TIMPF: Waterpolo? What's wrong with the horse? I don't know. I did not go to boarding school.

GUTFELD: No, you didn't. You didn't. Okay, Dave. Those are arrested --

RUBIN: I'm pretty sure Waterpolo isn't the one with the horse.

TIMPF: Well, wouldn't it be better --

MURDOCH: Yes, I agree. I agree.

GUTFELD: Sea horses? It's where seahorses come from, Dave, so stopping being so arrogant.

RUBIN: Touche. Touche.

GUTFELD: What do you make of these privileged kids? Isn't that kind of like, aren't they the poster children of Antifa? They're over educated. They're almost all white, the ones that are doing the burning and the trashing are all white kids with education.

RUBIN: Yes, you know, it's kind of funny if -- in the old days, if a bunch of white liberals burned down a black community, we'd call them the bad guys. Suddenly, they're the good guys.

I mean, the whole thing is backwards. But you know, to your earlier point about sort of the media and the Democrats kind of setting us up that there's going to be violence after the election, we really should be clear about one thing, which is that the violence will only go one way. We know if Trump wins, is there going to be violence? Of course there is because they're out in the streets now.

But try to picture the reverse and it's almost impossible to do so. Let's say Biden wins. Do you really think a bunch of Trump supporters are going to be out in the streets burning down buildings and attacking universities?

TIMPF: Lou Dobbs.

RUBIN: And you know just general -- causing general mayhem. Maybe Lou Dobbs, but you know -- you can't even -- you really can't even picture it. Like they will be upset, they will be pissed. They may not be happy, but they're not just going to burn down buildings and things like that. So the violence only goes one way here.

GUTFELD: Yeah, I think Jesse Watters will angrily kick over his office wastebasket, and that'll be --

TIMPF: Then he will do a Jaeger bomb.

GUTFELD: That's the only bomb, by the way that Republicans will be dealing with. All right, Joe, take us home. What are your thoughts on all of this calamitous crap?

DEVITO: Well, I think the social justice movement has definitely lost the plot, if they're firing black Police Chiefs and rich white kids are rioting. Something has gone seriously wrong. And they were really white. They look like a reboot of "Melrose Place."

And they're calling themselves -- they had the nerve to call themselves the New Afrikan Black Panther Party and that is cultural appropriation on a level that even Rachel Dolezal would have said, yes, I'm going to head out, like she would have passed on that.

So we always ask the question, why do they burn down their own neighborhoods? And now we've learned the answer. They're burning down the neighborhood and then they're going back to their parents' summer place in Connecticut.

GUTFELD: Yes. Excellent point.

All right up next, more fun things that we can't do because of the virus. Stick around.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: Pandemic-Con.

GUTFELD: It's hard to comprehend, the pandemic will never end. Researchers predict we're now in the age of pandemics and COVID-19 won't be the last. That could be the end of a lot of fun stuff like Halloween.

Officials in LA have announced trick or treating parties in haunted houses have all been banned, which sucks because I already picked out my costume and I'm going as a hideous malformed monster.

Another COVID casualty the "Happy Birthday" song. A Swedish study concluded that singing it can spread COVID. Thanks to the hard P and B sounds in this Song, my solution, we sing a more upbeat song like this.

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]

GUTFELD: Late night viewers will laugh at that. Thanks to COVID, 52 percent of young adults are now living at home with mom and pop. That's more than during the Great Depression. In other words, 52 percent of young adults are struggling to find a way to hook up while mom and dad are home. But I've got a solution for that, too.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ANNOUNCER: Had to move back in with your parents thanks to COVID?

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GUTFELD: You know, Kat, I love stock video. But I'm always curious how they do the stock video for coke scenes. You know, it's like, we've got to put this coke in the glove compartment because somebody might buy that for a skit on a FOX News show. You never know. So you plug it in and you go, hey, I'm looking for some cocaine in a glove compartment scene and the stock video company actually has it.

TIMPF: I mean, yes, it's like Hollywood. There's probably some coke there.

GUTFELD: That's true.

TIMPF: I don't think -- you didn't mention something though with it that Los Angeles, they said that online Halloween parties are allowed. So that's fun. Right? Like note that I will not be doing that. I will not be dressing up in a costume for the internet unless things go very, very south and I have to for money.

But yes, the consonant thing, too, that bothers me because no one's going to be able to talk to me or my family again, like Timpf. It's like pronounced like a sneeze.

GUTFELD: It is. It is weird having to P and the F together. It's almost like some kind of perverse sex. They're not supposed to be together. They're supposed to be apart.

TIMPF: Oh, yes, it is. That is what it means.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's exactly what it means. Joe, I don't know, pick whatever element of this segment you want to discuss.

DEVITO: Sure. I'll spin the wheel. I think this is going to be the most ironic Halloween ever. Because you want to wear a mask and go out and you can't. And you're glad that people are throwing toilet paper at you. It's a complete reversal.

And I don't think it's the singing of Happy Birthday that is going to be a problem with hell. I think it's the blowing across the cake.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true.

DEVITO: Like have we not talked about -- like that's not a custom that's going to be around anymore.

GUTFELD: That is true. Thank God for that. Because, you know, you'd have Gramps blowing all over the cake and his teeth would come out and land right into the frosting, Dave. It's disgusting. What do you think?

RUBIN: That is disgusting, Greg. I agree. And as I think the only panelist here in Los Angeles, I will be out in a costume one way or another. Just the idea that we're still what? Like six weeks roughly from Halloween and they've decided preemptively we have to cancel it. We've got people talking about not singing Happy Birthday.

Basically what this pandemic has sort of elucidated is that there's a lot of people who just want to ruin everything for everyone else. No more Happy Birthday. No more Halloween. No more graduations and the rest of it and for those of us that want to live and occasionally laugh, it's like it's our job to do it doubly these days. That's really the truth.

GUTFELD: Yes. You know, Tyrus, despite it being my birthday, and you got me nothing. I do hate the birthday song. How do you feel about it?

MURDOCH: Well, I feel ironic, actually because not only am I a guest on this show, you have never in fact ever said Happy Birthday to me, even to the point at one time, the great producers Holly and Joan had a birthday cake in the room, in the meeting room I'm never invited to, like everyone had a piece and you sat in your desk and just looked off in disgust.

So yes, Greg, no Happy Birthday here. Don't worry about it. No COVID from these lips blowing across your podcast cake. So it's all good.

You know, and here's the other thing about Halloween, man. We literally don't need it anymore because it's Halloween every day. You've got TikTok, you've got Instagram everyone putting fake pictures up, angles, all kinds of filters and stuff. So it's Halloween every day. Everyone has been eating like crap during COVID. They're ordering all their candy off Amazon.

So if you need to have some trick or treats or whatever, just close your eyes. Get on your little order on your app and pick a bunch of candy in different giant oversized boxes. Come to your door, oh, trick or treat. Oh, I got a treat. Oh, what's your trick? Do a jump -- you can have Halloween at home and as far as the old guys with their birthdays, after 13 we should stop anyways.

I mean, enough. You can do things like hashtag you're still here. You made it.

TIMPF: What about funeral?

GUTFELD: I agree.

MURDOCH: It would be really like, hey, just two more years until funeral time, or whatever. I just think that birthday song is overrated. And we need to just put it all behind us. Just stay at home. Watch a video.

GUTFELD: I've got to go, but I will say my favorite part about birthdays are like humorous greeting cards purchased at Duane Reade or Walgreens. I get a real kick out of those. They're always really snappy and funny. Little chirpy joke.

MURDOCH: There is no card. There's no surprise party. There is no one jumping up behind you. Nothing.

GUTFELD: No nothing.

MURDOCH: Because that's what guests do. They just do nothing.

GUTFELD: Up next. Are the Oscars not woke enough? Well, it is named after a white dude.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: The rules just got stricter, if you want to win Best Picture. The Motion Picture Academy just announced new diversity rules for films to be eligible for Best Picture as a response to criticism over perceived lack of minority and female representation among nominees.

Going forward, movies must include under representative groups on screen within themes of the story, creative leadership on camera, as well as internships, marketing and promotions. The Academy says the new standards won't take effect until 2024. But it's already got us thinking about how some classic movies might be remade in the future.

For example, "Jaws" will now be played by Kevin Hart. Brilliant. And the new "Rambo," of course Caitlyn Jenner, and in the next installment of "Nightmare on Elm Street," Freddy Krueger will be played by Dana Perino. Of course, she is really just playing herself. Horrible person.

Tyrus, you're the actor here. What do you make of this?

MURDOCH: Apparently, I got more work. So you know, I make that joke, but I'll be honest with you, man, I just -- it is laced with polite racism and I hate it, and here's why.

There's the horrible feeling I've experienced in my lifetime where the color of my skin has cost me a job, right? We're not going to hire you, et cetera, et cetera because basically we don't hire brothers, right? The only thing worse than that is we hired you because we had to have a brother.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: We had to have a black guy in there. It's not your skill set. It's not your comedy. It's not your abilities. It's we need -- we had a need to fill. So you're going to be random black guy in this movie. Thanks, man. You made it. Congratulations.

And then on top of that, we're going to give you an award for it. So that'll be -- that's the one award I don't want, and they just don't get it. You know what I'm saying? They don't get it and they don't want to get it. They think you can clear up the way you've treated groups of people in Hollywood by saying, hey, guess what we're going to do.

Now we're just going to give you stuff instead of acknowledging that we had a culture of systemic racism and sexism in Hollywood, done by over privileged, wealthy people, liberals that we're doing too much and supporting guys like Epstein and et cetera and we apologize for that.

And going forward, we're not going to allow these things. No, no. Those things never happened. And what we're going to do now is we're going to make sure you all get a job. There, we're all good.

GUTFELD: Yes, you know, Dave, what's unfair is there's no longer going to be like a criteria for really handsome guys like you and me.

RUBIN: I know it sucks, man. We're out. Just when I got an Emmy, which is right above me over here. The other part that's really good on this is that they included deaf people or people hard of hearing as an oppressed group, but they did not include blind people.

And it's just like, I would love to be in the meeting where they decided that like, how -- sorry blind people, you're not as oppressed as the deaf people.

GUTFELD: That's incredible. I would love to be a fly on that wall. Joe, what are your thoughts?

DEVITO: This shows you the nonsense. You can't treat human beings like it's Pokemon and you want to collect and check off little boxes here. It's not how you create art.

And even to look at -- if you look at the nominees from last year, "Little Women" very gender binary, discriminates against taller women and the best picture was "Parasite." Everyone in it is Korean. If we went by Ivy League rules that movie never would have been made.

GUTFELD: Good point.

DEVITO: I think what Hollywood needs to do is to stop worrying about this stuff. And why don't they go behind the scenes and clear out their culture of rapists and pedophiles, then they can worry if they have enough hearing impaired aboriginal hairstylist. That is not their concern at the moment.

GUTFELD: Last word, Kat.

RUBIN: They'll get to the rapists and pedophiles in 2024.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Write it down.

TIMPF: I think we're all forgetting that every truly revolutionary work of art has been created because a panel of elitist rich snobs dictated to the artist exactly what had to be in it, right? So the truly groundbreaking stuff comes from -- that's the problem though, right? Because it's great to be inclusive. It's great to have art out there that examines, you know underrepresented groups. We can have those conversations. This isn't going to encourage that. This is going to encourage if not demand BS, because you might get your movie about your lesbian, transgender, refugee of color who is deaf, but there's not going to be any honest conversation about any of that, any examination of that at all, because it didn't come from that. It came from trying to fill a quota.

GUTFELD: Yes, how are you going to fill a quota with monster movies? Like if you ever do "The Mummy," has the mummy got to be also something else? Does "Frankenstein's Monster" also have to be something else? Yes. Tyrus?

MURDOCH: Yeah, I'll play the mummy. They get a black mummy and then I'll play Frankenstein. You get a black Frankenstein. So it's we're all good. We're beautiful.

GUTFELD: There we go.

MURDOCH: I'll accept that award. I'll take it.

GUTFELD: Problem solved. All right. More stuff after this.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD:  We are out of time. Thanks to Dave Rubin, Joe DeVito, Kat Timpf and Tyrus.

I'm Greg Gutfeld, and I love you, America.

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