Jesse Watters reveals what Gutfeld and Biden have in common
Jesse Watters hosts 'Gutfeld!' on a special episode and wishes Greg Gutfeld a happy birthday
This is a rush transcript from "Gutfeld!," September 13, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
JESSE WATTERS, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: After becoming the king of late night, Greg Gutfeld finally decided to take a day off. So he asked the second funniest person at Fox to fill in forum. But Kilmeade said he wasn't available. So you're stuck with me. My deepest condolences go out to you the audience, you thought you were getting Gutfeld instead, you're getting someone taller, better looking. And someone who didn't get fired from a ton of magazines.
You got Watters instead. This is like buying tickets to see Jerry Seinfeld. And Carrot Top takes the stage. Now I give you your money back. But I found out Gutfeld doesn't charge anybody to come see the show. Which makes sense. But there's a silver lining. Unlike a normal show. None of tonight's jokes will go over your head. That I promise you. It's me. And it's an honor to step into Greg's shoes today even though it kind of hurts because he's a size six.
Greg's been on a hot streak recently. So he needs a break. A number one bestseller, a new house, a baby boy. Wait, that's me. You'd think Greg would want to baby finally someone in his life who's shorter than he is? Also someone to laugh at his poop jokes. Greg has a strange sense of humor, doesn't he? It's almost like there's something beneath the surface that he wants to tell us.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Here are my latest candidates for my personal assistant. This is Hans, this is Lars and this is Clive. Hey, I hope you all had a good weekend. Mine wasn't so bad. I spent most of it working on my abs with my personal trainer. I'm the one on the bottom. For a change. Well, I work out but I don't use weights. I use the body weight of my workout partner. I have him straddle me on my back and then I do squat thrusts. You want to go work out?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I don't have my workout clothes.
GUTFELD: You won't need any.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WATTERS: Not that there's anything wrong with that. People say that Greg's masking his feminine instincts by constantly talking about guns, ribs and death metal. And by people I mean me. Now our sources thing Greg took off today because he's transitioning. To what exactly? Unclear. But a new symbol has been added to the acronym. LGBTQ, it's now LGBTQ!. Greg's probably at a gender reveal party tonight. His own.
All kidding aside, the real reason Greg isn't here today is because it's his birthday. Besides 30- year-old women and anyone in the Biden administration during a crisis who takes off on their birthday? Greg does apparently. Yet much like sleepy Joe, Greg's changed his position.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
WATTERS: We'd like to wish our executive producer Megan Albano a very happy birthday. I'm the one to deliver that news because I am her favorite host.
GUTFELD: Wait a minute, is that why she's not here today? Did she take today off because it's her birthday? You know I feel about that.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WATTERS: So, besides flip flopping, Greg and Joe Biden have so much in common. Their love for Hunter. Their advanced age. Actually, Biden looks a little younger than Greg in that. And of course the thing they have most in common hair plugs. When someone's secure about their hair obsessed over someone else's hair this much?
GUTFELD: Jesse Watters has saved thousands of lives just by the amount of hair spray he uses every day. Maybe that's how he saved the world. His hair is like an extension cord. Thick, dark and full of plugs2. Congrats on the book. It's going to buy you a lot a lot of hair gel or Jesse Watters condemning hair gel. Jessie's hair enough product to keep Jesse Watters air standing on end for eternity.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: So just like Joe, Greg call the lead today. And I want to be as respectful to Greg as possible while I sit in his chair. Wait, what is this? Oh, just stack of -- what's this stack of papers doing here? What I really wanted to pay homage to Greg tonight, I even wanted to dress like him. So I peeked in his closet just to get a little inspiration.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
WATTERS: Filling in for God filled tonight. Got to dress the part. Let's see what he's gotten his closet. Pretty nice. Dark pants. Slim fit. I'm almost there. Blue blazer white shirt. I just got to get the black tie. Oh, these are perfect. Nailed it.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: This segment was brought to you by Baby Gap.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WATTERS: And they say imitation is the highest form of flattery. I'm trying to look and act as much like Greg as possible. So after the show, I'm going to go drink wine alone. And text Dana. I also searched his desk to find some of his famous notes to use on the show. But they were all love letters to Kat. Kat seriously contact H.R. immediately. This guy's sick.
KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: I wrote those about myself.
WATTERS: OK.
TIMPF: Trying to work on my self-esteem.
WATTERS: And Tyrus, he couldn't make it here tonight. I'm sorry. But a source just sent us some very exclusive footage. Here's what Tyrus is up to right now.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Twenty-five grand (BLEEP)
MEN: One, two, three.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WATTERS: But in all seriousness, I love Greg. Like I love my assistant. That much. G.G. is the man., Funniest guy I know. I don't really know that many people but it's a compliment. Exclamation point is a huge hit. He's a prolific author, great co-host and did you guys hear? He just interviewed Donald Trump. Way to go, GUTFELD! Break the achievement. You are the last Fox host to interview Trump.
In fact, great -- Greg might be the last host in America to interview Donald Trump. Greg didn't even like Trump when he was running for president. And then I remember that Greg didn't even like me before I started hosting "THE FIVE." This another thing he has in common with Biden. Terrible instincts. Greg didn't think the coronavirus was going to be that big of a deal. Actually, that was me.
In all honesty, Greg saw it coming, which is something nobody has ever said about Greg. You know, because he's little. You can hardly see him. Greg is so tiny. Brian Stelter gave him the nickname, The Invisible Enemy. But as your doctor told you, Gutfeld, size doesn't matter. What you do with it, that counts. And you've done a lot. More than any of us. Mostly because you're so old. You've had more time to do stuff.
But also because you're such a hard worker. And as they say, when you don't have talent, you have to make up for it with hard work. So way to go, buddy. Give it your best. And when your best isn't good enough, just do what I do. Add a movie clip to make it funnier.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What kind of a big deal?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WATTERS: Now that's comedy, stealing other people's material. Kind of like what Greg does with Scott Adams. Speaking of comedy, not everything It's funny. Gutfeld. Know your audience. Your cackle kind of reminds me of Kamala.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I don't think it really turned out that way. This show is --
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Playing that (INAUDIBLE) so hard.
TYRUS: Good idea and you're like uh-hmm. So I've heard.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Greg, this is really weird. Let's move on. You know, let's start with the positives. Really interesting question out of the box idea. I want to talk about Simon and Schuster first. So we're going to keep --
(CROSSTALK)
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WATTERS: Read the room, dude. Covering up your insecurities with comedy is what stand-up comedians do. That's not you. You know, you don't do standup because you have something that standup comedians don't have. Notes and a teleprompter. So Happy birthday, Greg, I know you're watching because you have nothing else to do. And I always as mean as possible, just so you'll never ask me to host again.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.
WATTERS: Let's welcome our guest tonight. She posts for more pictures with our guns out and Sylvester Stallone. Townhall.com editor, Fox News contributor Katie Pavlich. And he'll be the mayor to have a special task force comprised of rescue pets. New York City Republican mayoral candidate Curtis Sliwa. Poison control recommends his jokes to induce vomiting. Writer and comedian, Joe Machi.
And she's the one cat even the ASPCA won't shelter. Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf. All right, Kat. Now, unlike Greg I actually wrote that monologue myself. How do you feel about Gutfeld taking a day off?
TIMPF: You know, Greg is really, really good at finding talents (INAUDIBLE) people to work for him.
WATTERS: Yes, he is.
TIMPF: Like me. I'm very funny and smart. Right? I'm not just a pretty face. And then Joe Machi who is so funny that last night at Gutfeld's birthday party for about an hour I had to hear my husband tried to convince him to go to sandals resorts with them 2:00 alone.
WATTERS: Oh.
KATIE PAVLICH, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Wow.
TIMPF: That's how funny Joe Machi.
WATTERS: He is convincing.
TIMPF: No.
JOE MACHI, COMEDIAN: It was my idea. OK.
WATTERS: So Joe, now you're going to have to carry the rest of the show because I'm all out of jokes.
MACHI: I thought you did a great job. I mean, you killed it on that monologue, right? I mean, it was -- I mean, I've been working for Greg for six months now. And I think you're the funnier of the two. But Greg is -- he's my boss. He's in charge of how much I get paid. And I just wanted to give him a heartfelt message on his birthday. That just off the cuff here. Greg Gutfeld is a handsome, daring leader that will shepherd America to victory in the fight against communism.
TIMPF: I agree with that. Because he is also my boss.
WATTERS: Now I don't have to kiss his ass because he's not my boss. Now, Curtis, speaking of communism, you're fighting against it. Running for mayor here in New York. You were mentioning to me in the green room that you were really glad Gutfeld wasn't here and I was hosting. Is that could hurt your campaign so you're welcome.
CURTIS SLIWA, NEW YORK CITY REPUBLICAN MAYORAL CANDIDATE: Jesse, Jesse. We never had that conversation. You have a very elaborate imagination. We did not have that conversation.
WATTERS: That's true. I just lied.
SLIWA: Yes. Hey --
WATTERS: I'm getting the feel of the show.
SLIWA: Now all you got to do is shake hands, kiss her baby. And you too could be a politician.
PAVLICH: Indeed.
WATTERS: I couldn't take the pay cut. Katie P, does. Greg make you nervous?
PAVLICH: Sometimes, yes. Because I'm always trying to manage Greg's complaints and my number one goal in life is to have him not complaining about me. So, I like when he complains about you instead.
WATTERS: That's true.
PAVLICH: Which is all the time.
WATTERS: Greg complains about everything. And I'm sure he's going to be complaining about the show. Kat, anything you want to say to Gufeld? Because as I said he doesn't have anything else going on. He is watching right now.
TIMPF: I know. But the thing is, is I have the exact same focus in life as Katie.
WATTERS: Yes. We're all worried about it.
TIMPF: The last that he complains the better. So Happy birthday, Greg.
PAVLICH: Happy birthday.
WATTERS: Happy 60th birthday, Greg. Not that far off. All right. Up next, is Gavin Newsome forgivable for making his state unlivable?
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
WATTERS: Lockdowns, homelessness and crime could mean Newsom is out of time. It's their first recall in 18 years. So will Gavin wake up to cheers or tears? Yes, it's an event more rare than Gutfeld passing the height test to ride a roller coaster? On Tuesday, Californians will decide if Governor Gavin Newsom should Remain in office or become a full time model for hair gel. It's the second recall election in the state in the last 20 years.
The last one in 2003 made Arnold Schwarzenegger governor so anything's possible. Unlike homeownership for California residents. In the closing weeks of the recall campaign, Newsome has been touting his efforts to combat the coronavirus mostly by isolating himself at his fancy restaurants. Now while leading Republican candidate Larry Elder says Newsome is pretty much failed at every turn. They both made their final pitches to voters this weekend.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
REP. GAVIN NEWSOM (D-CA): Recalls an extension of the big lie. This recalls an extension of the January 26 insurrection. It's an extension of what's going on in states all across this country that want to suppress your right to vote or women's rights to their own reproductive health care. It's all part of an extended narrative.
LARRY ELDER, CALIFORNIA REPUBLICAN GUBERNATORIAL CANDIDATE: I can't think of any front the quality of declining quality public education, the rising cost of living, the rise in homelessness, where he ignored signs and shut down this state his forced management. Rolling brownouts. I can't think of any front at all, where this man has done a good job.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WATTERS: Of course, elder isn't the only challenger. There's actually 46 candidates who qualified to be on the ballot, including nine other Democrats. And this fellow.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Got the corndogs.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Corndogs, two cokes and Powerade slush. Its first day on the job. I apologize for that. Let me get you another Powerade. I'll be right back.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WATTERS: All right, Joe. You're a political guy. You're not but who's going to win.
MACHI: I'm -- look, I wear a lot of hats comedian, comedy writer, political guy, you know. But I think Larry Elder has too many headwinds he's facing because the mainstream media was willing to call the leading black candidate a white supremacist. But take my predictions with a grain of salt because last weekend I bet on 58-year-old Evander Holyfield to win that fight because I thought age was just a number but it turns 58 was also the number of unanswered punches that landed Evander Holyfield's chin.
WATTERS: That was a rough fight for Evander Holyfield. Katie P. Big election. It's tomorrow. For Democrats it's actually Thursday.
PAVLICH: Right.
WATTERS: I want to let them know that not tomorrow. I'm glad to say that but sorry, Katie, it's my first apology on Gutfeld.
PAVLICH: Right. You're doing good, doing well, Jesse.
WATTERS: All right.
PAVLICH: Well, I think Larry Elder send an amazing job that conservatives in California have really rallied behind him to get him on the ballot and to bring up real issues. Democrats outnumber Republicans two to one in California and Gavin Newsom pretty much sent everybody including dead people a ballot so that he could win reelection. And he also use federal stimulus money to send everybody a check to kind of buy his votes.
So we'll see what happens. I'm pulling for Larry. I think he's worked really hard. Conservatives work really hard and Californians deserve better than Gavin Newsome.
WATTERS: Right. Those dead people getting ballots. That includes Evander Holyfield, right? All right. So what's going to happen out there in the sunshine state? Wait, is that Florida?
PAVLICH: That's Florida.
TIMPF: Yes.
PAVLICH: It's a golden state.
WATTERS: Where are Gutfeld's writers when I need them? Your prediction.
SLIWA: Oh, let me tell you, Jesse. I love Larry Elder. I'll tell you that in a second. But pretty boy Gus Newsome's right. He says it's a violation of a person's right to vote. That's what we call a schmuck. Pete the people's right to vote you out on your (INAUDIBLE) let me give you a story about Larry Elder.
WATTERS: Yes. Tell me about Larry.
SLIWA: 2002 we're both in Oaktown Oakland, we're dealing with black nationalists who were talking about black on black crime. So we're both in a room and it's really hostile there. They're high fornicating us and mad dogging us.
TIMPF: High fornicating.
SLIWA: My complexion gave me protection. I'm the white guy in the room, right? Now roll over, Larry. You're a double stuffed Oreo cookie. You're a race traitor. And let me tell you something. Larry did not blink. He did not retreat. He did not buck. He did not bow. This is a man's man. He should be the next governor of the State of California.
WATTERS: Kat Timpf.
TIMPF: Gavin Newsome, I will say it's probably going to pull through. I hope not because everyone thinks he sucks.
WATTERS: Right.
TIMPF: Even the -- everyone thinks he sucks.
PAVLICH: Yes. He sucks.
TIMPF: Even Democrats, his supporters who go out like just -- all they can say when they try to come up with like, listen, he's not a Republican. If - - that's all anyone could find to say about me I'd be deeply offended, like that is not a compliment. That's a piece of trivia. So if that is the best that they can do that's just not true. And I agree California deserves better.
WATTERS: OK. California does deserve better. Go Larry. Up next, are Fauci's new COVID predictions full of contradictions?
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Holy crap. What the hell is next?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WATTERS: Are the unvaxxed the biggest threat we face or are the Democrats fears misplaced? A new poll by Scott Rasmussen shows 56 percent of Democrats believe people who haven't gotten their COVID shots are a serious threat. But only 44 percent of Democrats are worried about the Taliban and China. It's just the opposite for Republicans.
Obviously, they're most concerned about the Taliban, defund the police activists and China. Meanwhile, the Surgeon General, let us know Biden may have more mandates up his sleeve. In addition to notes about where he is and what he's supposed to say.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
DR. VIVEK MURTHY, SURGEON GENERAL: With Delta, which was a new twist, a twist, if you will, a new curveball, a raise required us to take another set of actions. And that's what you heard the President announced, and there will be more actions that we continue to work on in the days ahead, and especially on the global front.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WATTERS: So, to those without the jab, face more power grabs, more to those actions could be more travel restrictions. Just last week, a democratic congressman proposed a new bill that calls for airline and train passengers to either show proof of vaccination or a negative COVID test just in order to travel.
And Lord Fauci reportedly said in a podcast out later this week, that he would support a vaccine mandate for air travel. But hey, at least we're not Australia yet. It's a lot worse there. Here's a live shot of downtown Sydney.
OK, Katie P., would you go to Australia right now?
KATIE PAVLICH, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: No, I would never -- I am not allowed to go to Australia, not letting anybody in. What's happening in Australia is really scary. But you never give up your guns. They all gave up the guns in the 90s. And look at what's happening now. They're sending people to camps. They're forcing people to do all these things, can't leave your house. And you know, Dr. Fauci and Joe Biden claim we're never going to get to the same place as them, but they lie about everything. So, why should we trust them?
WATTERS: Vax mandates for plane travel? What if it's an emergency? What if you have to go to California, people know that is the Sunshine State to fill out a couple ballots for your buddy. And it's an emergency. He won't let you on the plane.
CURTIS SLIWA (R), NEW YORK CITY MAYORAL CANDIDATE: Tough nuggies. You got to put your thumb out and hopefully somebody gives you a ride. This is absolutely crazy. It's almost like, Dr. Fauci, you wonder why they didn't have early retirement for this guy, right? It's like he has (INAUDIBLE) white, right, with the wheel of Fauci misfortune for America.
The guy is a ball of confusion and contradiction. And yet every day oh, wait, I've got to hear Dr. Fauci speak. The world will never be the same, but let's we hear the words of wisdom dread from his left. This guy is mature. He's got all the furniture upstairs and rearranging the rooms.
WATTERS: Kat, I'd like to buy a vowel.
KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Why? Why? I don't know how. How about you like Sally did that?
WATTERS: I see what you did there.
TIMPF: Yes, the same. I'm really, really great at what I do. I think it's unbelievable that this is even being allowed, because it's just not legal. It's just not legal for them to do this. Joe Biden's acting like a king. And I thought the whole reason that we even are a country is because we didn't want the king thing. So, he's got to cut it out.
WATTERS: And Joe, I'm not talking about you.
TIMPF: He is King Joe.
WATTERS: King Joe, the real King Joe, please stand up. Please, please be seated. Your take on the vaccine mandates for air travel.
JOE MACHI, COMEDIAN: I don't care for it. I don't think it's legal. They even said so. And now the flip flopped on another, another issue. I'll tell you what, I would rather just continue to wear the mask unlike, unlike for children, me knowing what other people are thinking that ship has already sailed. I'm not going to get it.
I went on a date with a lady, and she said we're going to schedule a second date. And then she texted me saying she forgot she was going to Michigan for a whole month, right? And then most people will be like, she's not into you. But I waited a month. It goes fast. And I texted her again, and she never wrote back, and at that point, most would say she ghosted you? But I filled out the missing persons report anyway.
WATTERS: So that's why you wanted to go to (INAUDIBLE) with, Kat. All right. Kat, I wouldn't let him on the frame.
TIMPF: But not Kat and her husband. Just, just --
WATTERS: Just --
TIMPF: Yes. Just him. Yes, just the two of them.
WATTERS: Just the two. OK.
TIMPF: He made it clear I'm not invited.
WATTERS: OK. Well, talk about that in the commercial. Coming up, My professor frets over 1200 sweat.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
ANNOUNCER: "EVERYTHING IS RACIST."
WATTERS: Social justice, Rabble Rousers, claim these are racist trousers. It's a good one. Fashion house, Balenciaga, is accused of cultural appropriation -- that was good -- for selling a 12 $100 pair of sweatpants with boxers sticking out of the top similar to those 90s hip hop style things you see. A cheaper, smarter way to brag about being rich would be to show them your bank account. What I do. No one's impressed.
Yet, the allegedly white supremacist pants ignited a firestorm of controversy after TikTok users posted a video of the parents calling them both racist and very racist. An Associate Professor of AP economist studies emailed CNN calling a quote, an exploitation of black culture with the hopes of securing major profits. CNN did that. Got it. For more, let's check in with our Senior Ath-leisure Correspondent Joe DeVito. Joe, what's the latest with these pants?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOE DEVITO, COMEDIAN: Thanks, Jesse. The high undies trend is back and it's better than ever, and you don't need to spend a fortune. I got these at Dwayne Reid for like eight bucks. They look great. I can tell what day it is. And they give me the support I need. Plus, they're a big hit with the ladies. Afternoon, miss. Back to you, Jesse.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WATTERS: Oh, man. All right. I don't even know what to say. Kat, take it away.
TIMPF: What do I say? I do not plan on buying these pants. Although, I got to admit all the clothes I'm wearing now and all the clothes I ever wear, I didn't invent any of those clothes myself. So, am I a racist?
WATTERS: No. You are appropriating something.
TIMPF: I'm appropriating -- I did not invent this nor this. This hair, I didn't even grow myself. I don't even know who did? So, I can't say thank you.
WATTERS: That is not your real hair?
TIMPF: Well, its real hair but I didn't grow it. Someone else did.
WATTERS: OK.
TIMPF: I bought it.
WATTERS: You bought it. You now own that hair.
TIMPF: Yes. Congratulations.
WATTERS: Thank you. You look great.
TIMPF: Thank you. I know.
WATTERS: And you're married?
TIMPF: Yes.
WATTERS: Curtis, she's married. Curtis, you know, you're seeing people they walk around like this. You see a white guy walking around like this 1200 bucks with the pants sagging and the box was up. What's the first thing that crosses your mind?
SLIWA: I'm saying, oh, G.Q. fashionista, right. There's only one way to test this out to see how attractive this really is. Lock that guy up, because few people get locked up and see, see when he becomes a Maytag to Bubba in jail.
Because he'll certainly I paid a lot of money. This is extraordinary. What how much is, how much that?
WATTERS: 1200.
SLIWA: Boy, is that a ripoff, right?
WATTERS: That'll get you through a day.
SLIWA: But let's, let's see now -- when what, I'm the only one who's actually been in jail here, right?
PAVLICH: Yes. I mean, I've been in a jail but I wasn't arrested.
SLIWA: Right. So, you wear sweats like this showing your BVDs, you fruit of the loom? I guarantee you, you're going to be some of these Maytag really quick, real quick.
WATTERS: It's been a lot of prison lingo, Katie.
PAVLICH: Yes.
WATTERS: You're not really familiar about that, are you?
PAVLICH: I only know about prison lingo from Netflix. Watching all those prison shows. I did tour a jail once and none of them were allowed to wear that, that must be why. There's no fruit of the looming happening.
WATTERS: Fruit of the looming, it's a verb. Also, also known as may- tagging, apparently, Joe. You're not familiar with may-tagging, are you?
MACHI: No, I went to a prison field trip in high school and what he made said I'd be very popular there. Which was weird because I was not very popular in high school.
But I don't think anyone buys a $1200 pair of sweat pants and thinks they're being authentic. Just take history. Take a heat from history's smartest people. They dressed like crap. Einstein, Steve Jobs, me, we don't care.
TIMPF: You look great!
WATTERS: Joe got scared straight. Literally.
All right. Well, I don't have an opinion on this because I don't want to get in trouble on someone else's show. And you know me.
TIMPF: That's why you've been so careful.
WATTERS: That's what people think of when they think Watters exclamation, careful. All right, up next, while De Blasio pretends Sliwa campaigns with four-legged friends.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
WATTERS: And another De Blasio fail, the inmates run the jail. Deteriorating conditions at Rikers Island are another crisis ignored by New York Mayor Bill de Blasio. He ignores more warnings and an obese pregnant diabetic smoking cigarettes. But he can't say he wasn't told. Last week, Curtis Sliwa, Mayoral Candidate, and our best dressed guest tonight hand delivered a letter outlining the chaos at the chronically understaffed jail.
It included photos of recently assaulted guards and blasted De Blasio for attending concerts and fun events instead of providing relief. This, after video surfaced of inmates drinking gambling, smoking, like just they were partying in Vegas, except in a casino, they'd have to wear masks. Meanwhile, Curtis released a campaign ad, where he outlines his plans to save the Big Apple all while petting a cat like a James Bond villain.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
SLIWA: I'm Curtis Sliwa, as a young man working at McDonald's in the Bronx, I learned to ask how can I serve you? Soon after, I found that the guardian angels to protect people after watching my neighbors fall victim to crime, drugs and homelessness. Since then I dedicated my life to keeping us safe helping the homeless and saving our animals.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WATTERS: That's tough and compassionate. Two things we'll never see from Bill de Blasio unless he's protecting criminals from justice. So, Curtis --
SLIWA: Now, that add you saw there, it's my first political ad as I battle the coronation of Eric Adams because naturally, I'm a Republican and an Independent so I'm a person of no consequence to the media and everyone else. But Tuna, the rescue cat --
WATTERS: Yes.
SLIWA: We raised 17 rescue cats in a 328 square foot apartment on the Upper West side.
TIMPF: Wow.
SLIWA: My wife Nancy is a saint, she's, she's able to save them from being euthanized at the shelter, and Tuna had neurological difficulties. So, basically, she was brought back from the dead. And all the consultants say, don't use the cat, because nobody's going to focus on your message. And I said, yes, but maybe it's better they focus on the cat because when I'm mad, we're not killing any more dogs or cats, we're going to have no kill shelter. No geese consultant. Take that.
WATTERS: And Curtis has a cat under his hat. We're not going to make them take it off. Now, you are very, I wouldn't call you a rescue cat person, but I don't want to get on your bad side, Kat.
TIMPF: You'd never know a few word.
WATTERS: We'd go right over my head.
TIMPF: I have a rescue cat, named Chines. And that's all I wear his name around my neck all the time. So, I don't have 17 of them, but my level of obsession for the one that I do have is far more unhealthy and strange. I love him. He's the love of my life. And we're going to have a great weekend together when Machi and my husband are at Sandals. And I love the campaign out I just wish I had seen it yesterday. So, it could have had something to watch and I was sitting alone because they were sitting next to each other on the ride home.
WATTERS: So, it's going to fly with you on the plane to Sandals like an emotional support cat?
TIMPF: No, I'm not invited to Sandal.
WATTERS: Not invited.
TIMPF: No, my husband actually made that clear.
WATTERS: OK, OK, I don't, I don't judge. Katie.
PAVLICH: I have questions about 17 cats in that space but, I mean, I think it's a tutorial I have, I have a job for all the cats.
SLIWA: Are you insinuating that I'm a bit eccentric?
PAVLICH: No. I've known about you for a very long time and I am not naive about the eccentric nature of your life and your being. However, since you're about fighting crime, I think that you should put the cats to work and they can fight all the rats because there's --
SLIWA: Yes.
PAVLICH: We got some cats, get rid of the rats.
WATTERS: Yes, I like that.
PAVLICH: They can actually like clean up the city a little bit, you know.
SLIWA: Especially the two-legged rats.
WATTERS: That's right.
SLIWA: The two-legged rats. Wine dine did pocket live by the lobbyists. Very good.
WATTERS: That's right. That's right.
PAVLICH: Got him a uniform, little red brace and all the cats.
TIMPF: I love it.
WATTERS: Let's go back to our political expert, Joe. Effective ad or no?
MACHI: I'm more of a dog person. But I think it's always good to rise the candidate that doesn't want to kill cats. That's always what you want to say. And in Bill de Blasio's defense he did let most of the criminals out of Rikers before all those parties started.
PAVLICH: He also killed the groundhog. He dropped a groundhog on its head.
TIMPF: Well, I missed that new cycle.
PAVLICH: It died. Yes. Bill de Blasio killed the groundhog.
SLIWA: But you know, you know, Jesse, on a real serious note in our city because we all have to live here.
PAVLICH: I don't have to live here.
SLIWA: We have to lost souls, the homeless, the emotionally disturbed, our animals, the society that doesn't take care of our animals. Certainly not going to take care of our homeless and our emotionally disturbed. We need compassion. Elected officials need to show compassion and most do not. And I intend on changing that equation here in New York City when I become a mayor.
WATTERS: And thank you for speaking directly to the emotionally disturbed. One of them took off today. Not saying it's Gutfeld, but I am. Don't go away. We'll be right back.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
WATTERS: Time for final thoughts. Katie P.
PAVLICH: I think if Greg invites you to eat ribs sometime, you should make him eat his first just to make sure he doesn't kill you for what you did to his show. Just a, just a thought. Maybe a food tester.
WATTERS: A food tester.
PAVLICH: No drinks just beyond your game.
WATTERS: OK, I'll keep an eye out. Johnny. Joe?
MACHI: Great job tonight. You were as comfortable as a tenured professor who hates Capitalism. It was a good performance, especially for the pressure of, of being your first time hosting the show. And if you liked tonight's show, you're going to laugh a lot more in Des Moines, Iowa or Jacksonville, Florida, or Richmond, Virginia, some of my update, upcoming tour dates which you can find on JoeMachi.com.
WATTERS: Plug anything?
TIMPF: When you guys go to Sandals, I'm talking to you, he's going to come home to a lot more cats.
WATTERS: Thank you, Kat. Thank you, Curtis. Set your DVRs every night so you never miss an episode. Thanks to Katie P., Curtis, Joe Machi, and Kat, and our lovely studio audience. Gutfeld will not be seen tomorrow night. I repeat he will not be seen tomorrow night. We're going to have special coverage of the California recall election. "FOX NEWS @ NIGHT" with Shannon Bream is next, evil Shannon Bream. I'm Jesse Watters. And I love you too, America.
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