Gutfeld on Mueller report: Trump wins, the media loses

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Gutfeld on Mueller report: Trump wins, the media loses

Never before I have seen so many people unhappy over good news.

This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," April 20, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DAVID GREGORY, CNN POLITICAL ANALYST: This portion about subjecting who we charge criminally in this country and making this by popular demand. It doesn't work that way.

CHRIS CUOMO, CNN ANCHOR: Hold on. Abby, what is attacking you?

ALISYN CAMEROTA, CNN ANCHOR: Okay, Abby is there a mouse?

CUOMO: Hold on. Abby, what was that?

CAMEROTA: Abby, what was that?

ABBY PHILLIP, CNN WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT: There was a lizard climbing on me, sorry.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GREG GUTFELD, HOST: So that's where Stelter went.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

GUTFELD: I am worried. All this good news -- has someone checked in on the press?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIPS)

CHRIS MATTHEWS, MSNBC HOST: My God, it was like he had failed an Alzheimer's competency test, 36 times he said," I can't remember."

JOE SCARBOROUGH, MSNBC HOST: Well, they began the impeachment proceedings that this Mueller report suggests Donald Trump deserves.

MIKA BRZEZINSKI, MSNBC HOST: This report shows what Trump practices behind the scenes look like in that White House. Everybody should be extremely worried.

DON LEMON, CNN ANCHOR: It's still very damning, I mean --

CUOMO: Oh, absolutely.

LEMON: And politically embarrassing for the President.

CUOMO: Absolutely and shameful.

LEMON: And shameful and unethical.

(END VIDEO CLIPS)

GUTFELD: They're like the best unintentional comedy duo.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: Now also, you've got to check out -- this is how many people they had on this CNN panel, look at this.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: That's seven people and one Jeffrey Toobin. Because he's not really people. But that's a lot of folks, all there to say the same thing.

(VIDEO PLAYS)

GUTFELD: But let's focus on Toobin.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JEFFREY TOOBIN, CNN LEGAL ANALYST: What's significant about the ten incidents is that they're 10 of them and they all point in the same direction. And each individual incident, there is a perhaps innocent explanation.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: So, each incident on its own means nothing. But if you add them all up, they mean, something. No, you are a moron. If each one is a zero, ten of them still equals zero.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

GUTFELD: Much like -- much like Toobin. Anyway, I've never seen so many people unhappy over good news. Your President is innocent, be thrilled.  But also, why are they so surprised? With just weeks ago this happened?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JIM ACOSTA, CNN CHIEF WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT: Special Counsel Robert Mueller concluded there was no collusion between the Trump campaign and the Russian government in 2016.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That's literally a spoiler alert.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: The media were told what was coming, and yet they still pretended like it wasn't going to happen. But then deja vu.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

WILLIAM BARR, U.S. ATTORNEY GENERAL: The Special Counsel's report did not find any evidence that members of the Trump campaign or anyone associated with the campaign conspired or coordinated with the Russian government in these hacking operations.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: So all the media got on Thursday was a reminder that they got their ass handed to them a month ago.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: Yet, it still emotionally destroyed them. It reveals the difference between normal people and the media. See normal people will watch a movie and then when they see the same movie again, they expect the same ending.

But the media, they watch the same thing over and over again thinking that maybe the ending will change. Hey, maybe "Old Yeller" will live.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: Maybe the "Titanic" steers around the iceberg. Maybe Darth Vader isn't Luke's dad, but a progressive lesbian name Doris who knits hemp booties for homeless cats.

But for us, it's the same old "Die Hard." Good guy wins, bad guy loses except it's America who wins and the media who loses. See in this movie, America is John McClane and the media is Hans Gruber.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: No wonder the press is a mess. They fell out of a window from Nakatomi Plaza and made a big splat. Now they're banking on one thing -- turning absence of evidence into Trump must be guilty. Rachel is already dining on that grape, now.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

RACHEL MADDOW, MSNBC ANCHOR: I watched Barr give his press conference this morning.

I just ran straight to the office.

There is a ton of material here.

I will be busy for the next year, at least I mean, these 448 still redacted pages that we got today, it's like walking into a vineyard and you just like eat the skin of a single grape.

We would tell you if we figured out that he didn't commit any crimes.

It's a roadmap for how to charge this President.

We can darn sure investigate you and you can darn sure be charged. When you're out of office.

You can be impeached.

This is like grape one in the vineyard.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: You know, when you're drunk and you come home to an empty kitchen and you're starving and you start squirting ketchup packets on the heels of moldy bread. That's the media trying to turn what little they have in the kitchen into a meal. They stare at every redacted junk as if it's going to reveal some magical bombshell.

But we know better. Seriously. We actually do. We have a special redaction removal machine and used it on the Mueller report. For example, a section about Mueller's team meeting with Trump reads, "We also saw the voluntary interview with the President after more than a year of discussion. The President declined to be interviewed." The redacted part.  "Through, the Special Counsel was able to confirm Greg Gutfeld can bench 550 pounds."

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

GUTFELD: It must be true. It's in the report. Here's another. This is about a Trump Tower meeting. "Trump Jr., Manafort and Kushner participated on the Trump side. The meeting last that approximately 20 minutes." The redacted part, "They cut the meeting short, however to admire pictures of Greg Gutfeld's muscles." Can't say I blame them. One more time. One more.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

GUTFELD: I sense a theme. It's about Trump's meeting with Corey Lewandowski in 2017. Quote, "By the end of the President's follow up meeting with Lewandowski." "The GREG GUTFELD SHOW had become the number one show Saturdays at 10:00 p.m. likely because of Greg Gutfeld's impressive physique."

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

GUTFELD: Mueller really understands great TV. So as frustration turns to obsession, the media is going to go through this report looking for a dangling preposition on which to hang Trump. It's like an entire industry trying to prove that the Earth is flat, or the moon landing was faked.

You know what would be a good prank? Announce another less redacted report in three weeks just to watch them fall for this a third time. You can keep doing this for years.

The bottom line the press wanted America's President to be a Russian stooge, even if that would have destroyed the country. And don't expect them to stop. They're going to push the Mueller hysteric because what else do they have?

This is a pretty prosperous peaceful era -- low unemployment, economic growth, strong military -- the media can't do a thing with that. So every day on CNN or MSNBC, it's a therapy session. It's collusion anonymous.  They've got to talk about it every day because if they don't, they might do something horrible, like wake up one day in 2020 and God forbid, vote for Trump.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

ANNOUNCER: Period.

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. His name isn't the only thing that's long. So is his resume, TV writer and producer, Rob Long.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

GUTFELD: He is so funny he is banned from funerals, comedian, Joe Machi.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

GUTFELD: She has a knack for not holding back. Host of the "Tyrus and Timpf Podcast," Kat Timpf.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

GUTFELD: And the Chrysler Building is this coat rack, former WWE superstar and my massive sidekick and host of "UnPC" on Fox Nation, Tyrus.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

GUTFELD: All right, Rob. So there's two sections to the Mueller report.

ROB LONG, TV WRITER AND PRODUCER: Yes.

GUTFELD: One answered, did Trump collude? No. The other chopped section in the book just tells us I think what we already know about Trump, that he gets really angry if you're coming after him. That's 200 pages of that.

LONG: Yes, Book 2 is basically this guy is kind of temperamental and a little bit unstable and he starts to shout a lot and people kind of looks at their grandpa rant and then they say "Grandpa, you know, you can't shoot the neighbor kid."

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: Well, okay, we've got to do something then. And then he goes on to do something else. But the reality is like the reason that we don't know - - the reason there's no obstruction recommendation from the Mueller report is because he did not ask Trump about it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: So the only way to get somebody for this and this is great. This could go on TV. And I talked to a lawyer for like 10 minutes today, so now I'm a lawyer.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: What people do on TV, they go like, let me tell you something, Greg.  Here's what I know. This is what I hear. You have to get inside his brain, right? Which is, okay, that's a problem for Trump. He has kind of scrambled eggs up there. I mean, -- I mean, if you like him, it's --

GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, FOX NATION HOST: He is emotional.

LONG; He is an emotional person.

GUTFELD: I don't think he is emotional. I just think he really has a short attention span so he moves from thing to thing.

KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I'm 30, my eggs are starting to scramble, so I don't know.

LONG: Either way, you've got to get inside his head.

GUTFELD: That is an interesting commentary.

LONG: I'm feeling sad right now.

TIMPF: I was going for that.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: You've got to get inside his head. You've got to know what he was thinking. And you didn't ask what he was thinking. So you can't -- there's no --

GUTFELD: There's nothing.

LONG; There's nothing in the report.

GUTFELD: But the point is, it's like, so he is mad. And he should be mad because he believes he is innocent, Joe, so he acts like an innocent man.  He is pissed off. How can that be a problem? How can that be illegal, Joe?

JOE MACHI, COMEDIAN: I don't know, Greg, I'm still thinking about scrambled eggs. I'm hungry myself. I don't know. To me, it seems like obstruction of justice could also be interpreted as trying to defend yourself and avoid prosecution. Because one of the things that the report outlined was that they thought that the Trump team told Michael Cohen to have the answers be short and concise. And that doesn't really sound like obstruction. To me, that sounds like trying to avoid a perjury trap.

GUTFELD: Yes, good point. A little insight from Joe Machi in his odd outfit.

MACHI: Why is -- why are people surprised?

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: So Kat, scrambled eggs aside, are you surprised that Trump was upset about this? Because he believed he was innocent?

TIMPF: No.

GUTFELD: No.

TIMPF: I'm not surprised. And honestly, he should really thank most of the media and Democrats because if you read the report, there are certainly instances where people on his team did things that were wrong, right? But that seems like nothing, when they've spent years saying that he's a literal Russian agent. That's where they set the bar. He's a literal Russian agent, hell bent on destroying the country.

So now, the things that they did wrong seemed like the itsiest bitsiest littlest of potatoes compared to that. So he should be thanking the media for completely blowing this out of proportion. And he's so lucky that they are continuing to do so.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

GUTFELD: Tyrus? One of the most overlooked findings is that we should kind of be happy, right?

MURDOCH: Yes. You know, no American betrayed his country for Russia. I think that's something to be excited about.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

MURDOCH: Yes. The other side of that should be that little bee that is Russia that's been buzzing around everybody's ears causing all these problems. Now, we know that the team opposite from ours didn't do what they -- or put out the misinformation that they did. We should all be going working on, "Okay, let's stop fighting. And let's deal with them."

Because here's the other reality. While we've been fighting amongst ourselves, wicking ourselves. They've been having a little interviews with China, they're working with North Korea. All these things are happening around us. This is how you -- they can't physically take us down. Our military is too strong. Our nation is too big, but they can plant little things called ideas that we fight so much that we do not see what's going on.

North Korea is now going to Russia for a meeting. What do you think they're talking about?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Like, hey, how did you do that? How can we get on that? Like, this is where we need to -- we don't have to agree. We don't have to like each other. But we need to get back to respecting each other. You didn't vote for Trump. Cool. I did. Respect me. I respect you. Talk about something else. We really need to get back to that because the real villains in this, they're still gaining/

Like he's not a criminal. Sorry, guys. I'm really sorry our President is not treasonous. I'm sorry, his team is not. Did he do bad things? Acting a fool? Listen, I get accused of eating something I didn't, I'd do the same thing.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: That's true.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

GUTFELD: I don't know how would -- like I'm not a political person. I know nothing about policy. I don't know nothing about the law. But I've been a boss, so I would -- I wouldn't say it, it's like, what can't I fire this guy? Why can't I have -- take a meeting with this guy? My ignorance is not stupidity. It's just, this is not my world. That's why when I look at Trump, I just assumed he is a boss. He goes like, well, why can't I find that guy and why can I take a meeting with this person and let's tweet this. They criminalize -- they're trying to criminalize kind of common everyday behavior.

TIMPF: I don't know why they're so obsessed with getting the report that's not redacted. We already know no collusion. No obstruction. What do they think these little blacked out marks are going to say?

MURDOCH: Jaywalking.

TIMPF: P.S. Trump is just Putin in a Trump suit. Like I don't understand what they think it's going to say.

MURDOCH: Foul language in front of elderly women.

TIMPF: Well, if that's a crime.

GUTFELD: We're going to move on because we've got more stuff.

MURDOCH: Hair products.

GUTFELD: So Trump has got a new nickname for Joe and Nancy, has a new insult for AOC. We compare and contrast this next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Are single dads just shallow cats. Michelle Obama upset some people this week for comparing President Trump to a divorced dad at an interview with Stephen Colbert, never heard of him. She explained life in present day America.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

MICHELLE OBAMA, FORMER FIRST LADY OF THE UNITED STATES: We come from a broken family, where a teenager, where you know -- we're a little unsettled and you know having good parents you know, is tough. You know, sometimes you spend weekends with divorced dad, that feels like it's fun, but then you get sick. That's what America is going through. We're kind of living with divorced dad.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Wow. You know, I hate to hear a bad analogy. And that's a bad analogy. How bad? Well if analogies were Zeppelin's that one would be the Hindenburg. That wasn't an analogy. Was that? I don't know.

Anyway because in trying to take a shot at Trump, she missed and she actually hit divorced dads instead. An article written for fatherly.com called her comments in insulting because it perpetuates the idea that single dads damage their kids.

Meanwhile, her intended target Trump found a new nickname for Joe Biden.  Call him sleepy, which coincidentally rhymes with creepy, maybe that was the case. Not to be outdone, Nancy Pelosi compared AOC, to a glass of water.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

REP. NANCY PELOSI (D-CA): When we won this election, it wasn't in districts like mine or Alexandria's, however, wonder -- and she's a wonderful member of Congress, I think all of our colleagues will attest.  But those are districts that are solidly Democratic, this glass of water would win with a D next to its name.

(LAUGHTER)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: You see what's going on here? Everyone is insulting everyone.  Thanks, Obama. Actually, thanks, Trump. Anyway, for more on this, we go to an expert on insults.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Did I seem wasted during tryouts? Because I can't figure out how you made it on this team. You don't suck. It just -- it's like you have bad luck every time you step on the field.

Dude, you're lucky your mom's hot?

Dude, if I end up back in rehab this season, it's all your fault.

Look at it this way. You're not the worst Little League pitcher on the planet. You just better hope that the kid that is doesn't quit.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Fantastic. I would like him to be my single father.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: Joe, I hope one day you get married and have kids so you can be a single dad because the marriage won't last.

MACHI: Probably not, Greg. A lot of women find me very attractive and it is hard to avoid temptation.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: What are your thoughts on this?

MACHI: I don't think America is like a teenager with a single dad. I see more of a Brady Bunch type of scenario where a widower comes together with a widow and you don't really talk about what happened to their dead spouses. And then you have this whole household full of idiot kids trying to make this new situation work but there's no hegemony. It's three against three. Everyone's acting like Jen.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

GUTFELD: You're right. It's the boys are there. The boys are the Republicans, the girls are the Democrats. And --

MURDOCH: You want to change that, Greg?

GUTFELD: All right. Now let's flip it around. Never mind. Never mind.  Never mind. I want to go to Kat, but I'm afraid.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Go.

TIMPF: Yes, I have the only answer that I have to this is a little dark and weird. But I feel like you guys are cool enough to handle it, right?  You guys are cool? Okay.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

GUTFELD: And we will edit it out?

TIMPF: So I do not -- I do not have divorced parents. Because my mom is dead.

GUTFELD: That's right. That's right.

TIMPF: Anyone here have a dead parent? Anyone have a dead parent? We can talk about this. We can talk about this? So when she says this country is like having a divorced dad. I'm like, that sounds dope. That sounds awesome. You mean I can still see my mom?

GUTFELD: Yes, that's it that is pretty dark.

MURDOCH: I was offended by the whole divorce dad thing, but again, while neither one of my parents died, my dad did disappear.

GUTFELD: Right.

MURDOCH: Forever. So wherever you are, George. Hi.

(Applause)

MURDOCH: Just really quick, the worst part of that, you know.

GUTFELD: He knows.

MURDOCH: I have a friend, he's out there. He is seven feet tall. His name is Tiny. We used to bodyguard together and he had a speech impediment. It used to drive me nuts. Every time he talked, you know, we go to the street, you know, but you know, you know, apparently the first lady has the same disease. You know, you know, like --

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

MURDOCH: If she didn't say, you know, that would have been one sentence.  America divorced dads.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: That's it. Like, you know. My mom's dead, you know.

GUTFELD: Most guys don't actively seek a divorce because it is bad for your emotional, physical and financial health. It's not -- especially financial health. And you go from like a big house to a studio that's close to the big house. And sometimes you might even see your wife's new boyfriend using your lawn tools.

LONG: Yes, yes.

GUTFELD: Not figuratively. Go ahead.

LONG: I don't get the outrage here. I mean, actually, Trump is a divorced dad.

(LAUGHTER)

TIMPF: That's the most creative of analogy.

GUTFELD: That's true.

LONG: Multiple times.

GUTFELD: Multiple times.

LONG: And his kids do live with him which means, she is basically saying we're all kind of, you know, Trump -- some version of Trump's kids, which would make you Eric, although you can wear Baron's clothes.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

LONG: Wait, wait, I'm not done.

GUTFELD: He's not done.

LONG: I'm not done. I've got material. I came with material and I know, Kat, Ivanka, but I actually think Tiffany and that's not -- and that's not an insult.

TIMPF: I take it as a compliment.

LONG: You Joe, are like if they had a kid no one talks about who lives in the attic.

(LAUGHTER)

LONG: Tyrus is this wonderful old large wise tree that the children play around and like --

MURDOCH: Because the President couldn't have Jungle Fever? For real? For real? I had to be a tree.

LONG: Yes, you've got to be a tree. And I --

MURDOCH: Not the maid's child?

LONG: I think it's obvious.

MURDOCH: No.

LONG: I'm Ivanka because I like to have my own money.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true. By the way, I got I can't hit her for this because I make terrible analogies. And I know I mean -- I think I compared Barack Obama to mom's cool new boyfriend. I swear I did that -- who buys you booze and porn.

MURDOCH: They do, do that Greg. They do.

GUTFELD: Yes, mom's new boyfriend always trying to impress the kids. All right, up next. Romantic films: is it okay to still call them chick flicks? It's a debate Bret Baier will not moderate.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

AISHAH HASNIE, FOX NEWS CORRESPONDENT: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Aishah Hasnie. A Sumatran tiger will not be euthanized after attacking an employee at a Kansas Zoo on Saturday morning. The worker at the Topeka Zoo is in stable condition tonight. That's after suffering lacerations and puncture wounds to her head, neck and back. The incident lasted about 10 minutes and occurred when the zoo was open to the public. The Tiger was placed in a holding area and other Tigers had to be removed and an investigation is now underway.

Protests in Connecticut after police shoot on unarmed woman near Yale University, a police officer from Hamden and an officer from Yale opened fire on a couple inside a car. They were investigating an armed robbery.  Surveillance video appears to contradict the officers' version of events.  Both are on leave. I'm Aishah Hasnie, now back to THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW.  For all your headlines, log on to foxnews.com.

GUTFELD: The word chick makes them sick. Netflix is calling for the phrase chick flicks to be retired because it suggests men aren't interested in romance while also cheapening the work that goes into making these films.

In a brief thread -- not brief enough -- the company's official Netflix film Twitter account wrote, "There aren't sweeping category specific to men. You don't hear people asking to watch "man movies." Speak for yourself. You know at Kilmeade's house, man movies are the only thing I watch. And sometimes make.

Anyway, it continues, "Nicknaming films 'chick flicks' drives home that there's something trivial about watching them. But what's trivial about watching a film that makes you feel a thousand emotions in 90 minutes?"  You know what, they're right. So let's pause now for 90 minutes to watch my favorite chick flick.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What is it?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That didn't end well. They're all at Chick-Fil-a. Kat, as the only woman here -- God help me -- can you please speak for all women on how they feel about this topic chick flicks?

TIMPF: First of all, when they say there are no movies made for men, I think that's wrong, because I've been watching movies before that just have so, so many boobs in them where it doesn't make sense where I'm like, "I don't think this is for me."

And second of all, I think that Netflix was actually super sexist, saying that calling something a chick flick makes it trivial and cheap. So the things I like are trivial and cheap? What a win for feminism. What a way to make women feel better. It just shows how stupid people are when they try to get so social justice-y. They wind up being accidentally sexist.  So now Netflix is a sexist.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: And it's not even a person. That is hard, Greg.

GUTFELD: Yes it is. You know, Rob, you are acclaimed to be in motion pictures. Or are you acclaimed to be in the entertainment industry?

LONG: Yes, I do acclaim that.

GUTFELD: You do acclaim that. Is this just another thing where some stupid intern took over social media?

LONG: The social media manager made a huge mistake. They're all 23. So, also I feel like chick flick is a word that men used to describe a movie that they pretend they were forced to go see like, "Oh, my girl and me will watch this chick flick, it was stupid about this woman who needed to get a date for a wedding and like you'd like there's this other guy who really, really cares for her." And then, that's the end -- but they need to go and they need to dismiss it, which is fine. You make a lot of money making chick flicks. Listen.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. You know, it's because women go to movies. Right? I can say that.

LONG: Well, couples go to movie. Couples go to movies.

GUTFELD: Men go to movies alone at certain theaters. Tyrus?

MURDOCH: The hell I do.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: What? Did you want to ask if I go to --

TIMPF: He doesn't know about the internet.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

MURDOCH: Listen, chick flick, okay, so would you like to say like, movies predominantly watched by females of the human sapien persuasion?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: I love when I hear the world chick flicks because that usually means a sex bargaining tool at home. Like, if you do this, I'll watch your movie about pants that they all share.

TIMPF: They travel.

GUTFELD: The Traveling Pants.

MURDOCH: But if I'm watching that, then it's Cirque du Soleil afterwards?  If not, I'm watching the game.

GUTFELD: See, I believe that was a euphemism, Joe.

MURDOCH: Yes.

GUTFELD: What do you think?

MACHI: Oh, I can't trust my judgment on this show. Last segment I said I would possibly cheat on my hypothetical future wife before Kat bailed me out with that uncomfortable rant about her mom being dead.

I just don't think Netflix should be telling people what to think because I'm a big fan of "Forensic Files" and it said because you like "Forensic Files" you might like "Frazier" and that's not true.

GUTFELD: That's so funny. It's true. They do put you in really weird directions.  The weird thing is, you know, what they would they should do is when they see that you're watching "Forensic Files," they should say, you like "Forensic Files," because you're lonely.

TIMPF: I love "Forensic Files."

GUTFELD: And --

LONG: Because you like "Forensic Files," you may also enjoy leaving the house once or twice. Just get some vitamin D out there. Yes.

GUTFELD: I love "Forensic Files." I do. Because there's always a dark side that's discovered later, but John had a dark side.

LONG: It turns out, he's fine. He's innocent. We just were using spooky music for no reason.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

MURDOCH: Those stories probably get cancelled. How does it end? It's actually "Forensic Files" proves that he was innocent. Nope.

GUTFELD: Why one country star says hiring a hot nanny is a bad idea. You won't find this on "Special Report."

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Should they have to dress like granny to get hired as a nanny?  Actress Jana Kramer, yes. "the" Jana Kramer says she will not hire and attractive nanny because of her husband's addiction to sex. Wow, he's really happy to get that out there.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: Kramer was noticing the profile pictures of some perspective nannies used on a hiring site and said they should quote, "dress the part," translation, Mr. Belvedere. Kramer continued, "Not that I don't trust my husband." She just called him a sex addict. "I just think it's not smart.  I mean, you look at some of these nannies and it's like, well, you kind of asked for it. She's kind of hot."

Well, we've heard many tales of the cat that got caught with the caretaker -- Ben Affleck, Jude Law, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and of course, Niles Crane -- speaking of "Frazier." But is it really fair to put all the onus on the nanny? I love that word.

The guys have got to keep it professional, too. If you're hiring someone who is going to be living in house and around you all the time. You've got to ask yourself one question. What would Phillip Drummond do? He would never hit on Mrs. Garrett. Neither would I. Oh geez, who would I go to first on this, you know, Tyrus, is it wrong?

MURDOCH: Damn it.

GUTFELD: Can I ask you a question, is it wrong to hire a nanny if you don't have kids? I'm asking for a friend.

MURDOCH: I'm going say yes.

GUTFELD: Okay.

MURDOCH: As a friend, I would say please don't do this, bro.

GUTFELD: Isn't this kind of unfair to nannies who are good looking.

MURDOCH: No, this is unfair to her husband.

GUTFELD: Oh, okay.

MURDOCH: He showed up to an event and had to stand there and smile was she basically brought up all their business. What a loving wife. You're worried about the nanny? You should worry about how your ass is getting home.

GUTFELD: Hollywood seems to be destroyed by nannies.

LONG: Yes, well, that's because like -- Hollywood -- everyone in Hollywood is a nanny to somebody. Your agent is a nanny. Your manager is a nanny.  Everyone needs -- and first of all, I think that everybody does need a nanny. But I feel like also in Hollywood, there's a financial component.  It's not just you have a nanny in your house. You have a nanny in your huge house with this huge pool and she's like a natural -- a human being, so I could get some of this.

I mean, right now I live in a small room. But if I play my cards right, I can live in a big room.

GUTFELD: So the incitement of the giant pool.

LONG: Absolutely, absolutely.

GUTFELD: Entices the nanny.

LONG: It's a free market. It's libertarian.

MURDOCH: And?

GUTFELD: And what?

MURDOCH: And the stuck up ness, we can't cuss anymore and the really, wretchedness of your gold-digging wife would only inspire you. Oh, you don't think Kramer? Did you not see her what she said about him? Please, it's the attitude that drives us to your point. The little room is quiet and safe.

LONG: Don't yell at me.

MURDOCH: I'm just saying. I don't know.

LONG: You're going through something right now.

GUTFELD: Kat?

LONG: And that's okay.

MURDOCH: Thank you, but I've been there.

LONG: Okay.

GUTFELD: Kat, do you think this is unfair to nannies?

TIMPF: I think this is so offensive and stupid. I feel like if you are really worried about your husband banging the nanny. Get rid of the husband, get a lizard.

(LAUGHTER)

TIMPF: Get a dog.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

TIMPF: Get a dog. Get a cat. Get pneumonia. Get anything other than that husband. Seriously. Cheating is not like falling down the stairs.  It's not an accident. If you ever feel like you need to put a chastity belt on your husband, save yourself the belt money and get a new husband, seriously.

Or get no husband. Get no husband. I want a man and only a man who I could trust alone with a literal goddess who happens to be like covered in grease for some reason and still trusts that he will not touch her because his fingers will be too busy texting me back.

And I think that all women should demand that. It's not the nanny's problem, it's your man is trash problem.

GUTFELD: Oh, wow. You know, Joe I don't think this is a problem for most of America, right? They don't have nannies or sex addicted husbands.

(LAUGHTER)

MACHI: Grease covered goddesses are hot. You know, I do think it's more of a problem that a lot of people would like to admit. People -- when you bring up sex addiction, they say, "Oh, that's not a real thing." Which is weird, because it just got added it to the Diagnostic Statistical Manual.  But then, if you consider all the mental illnesses people do consider real, like being afraid of clowns. You could go -- you could go into a psychologist office and say I'm a sex addict. And they would -- it's ruining my life personally and professionally. They would say that's not a real thing. But you could say I'm afraid clowns. And he would say, well, that's very interesting. Did your father try to fit a whole bunch of you into a really small car?

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: Up next, just how dirty are men's beards? We will show you after the break.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: It's worse than we feared, the stuff in a beard, a Swiss study, they have them there looked at the amount of bacteria in men's beards compared to dog fur, there's a study. They found that 39 percent of beard samples had harmful bacteria compared to only 13 percent on the pooch. The study concluded quote, "Bearded men harbor significantly higher burden of microbes and more human pathogenic strains than dogs." They are right.  This time, we took a deep dive inside the beard.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Thanks to advances in science, we can now see the incredible micro-ecosystem living in men's beard, filled with things never before seen by the naked eye including the least attractive Kardashian sibling, Kleetus Kardashian, a weightlifting puppy, a chubby skeleton, a o'clock that sounds like Rachel Maddow, ducks in tiny cowboy hats, a dude who looks like Gilbert Godfrey, but sounds like Barry White.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: After the day of my voice changing, hair started growing on my face.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: A broccoli flavored bottle of Gatorade, and Puck from the real world word. Beard, it's a whole new world in there.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Wow.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

GUTFELD: I don't believe it. All right, Tyrus, you have a beard. You've got to shave it after hearing these results.

MURDOCH: No, no, I'm not because I wash it. Yes, like --

TIMPF: Stop bragging, geez.

MURDOCH: Yes, I know. It's a real skill set. In the morning, when I get up and take a shower. I wash my face in my hands and I wash my beard. And they even give you like, soaps and shampoos and stuff. It's just for your beard, like beard butter and stuff. So you know, whatever.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: And you know what, if I could look myself whenever I want to clean myself and it was not frowned upon socially, I'd do it, too. So it's not fair to compare -- dogs immediately, if something hits and they go to work. If I could, oh, you know -- no one would be tripping on me.

GUTFELD: That's a good point there. Joe, the reality is -- and I know that you're scare of everything in life. You're terrified now. There is bacteria everywhere. I mean, you think beards are bad, but the phone is worse. You don't leave your beard on the toilet -- the bathroom floor of a public toilet. But everybody does.

TIMPF: Or my phone.

GUTFELD: What?

TIMPF: You don't leave your phone on the bathroom floor of a public toilet?

GUTFELD: Everybody does.

MURDOCH: No, because most of us can reach -- oh, wait, he can't, never mind.

LONG: We could settle this. How many people in the audience do that?  Nobody raised their hand, Greg.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: Joe, answer the question. I don't even know what the question was. But I demand you answer it.

LONG: The question was, are you on the way to a staph infection? That is the question.

(LAUGHTER)

MACHI: Greg, you leave your phone on the bathroom floor. Okay. I don't understand why scientists were doing this study to begin with. Are people saying, hey, what's dirtier? Men's beard? Or dogs? Let's settle that -- and make college tuition more expensive for everybody by doing that research, but as a person who can't really grow any kind of a beard.

(LAUGHTER)

MACHI: I think we should continue this research further. And I'll tell you what, ladies, no disgusting bacteria here.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

GUTFELD: One of the pluses of being made by a toymaker.

(LAUGHTER)

MURDOCH: Damn you, Greg Gutfeld.

GUTFELD: I didn't even know why I said that.

MURDOCH: Oh wow, you just called him chubby Pinocchio. You're mean, man.  You're mean.

GUTFELD: Geppetto did a good job. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I should talk, Rob. You shaved your beard.

LONG: I did. I shave my beardd.

GUTFELD: Do you feel better?

LONG: I shaved my beard because it was it was highly white.

GUTFELD: You don't want to be Santa?

LONG: I don't want to be old.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: And I am that, so I thought I'd shave it off. But I have a dog. I have a dog. So I think that -- I mean, I think it all depends on where they took the sample from.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: Because I can think of places on my dog that are considerably dirtier than any beard. I mean, I guess depending on where the beard -- where it puts their beard.

GUTFELD: But the irony is the cleanest part of the dog is not where you want to -- well -- Kat.

TIMPF: Yes, Greg.

GUTFELD: Does it matter? I mean, do you think lumberjack sit around and worry about the bacteria in their beards and then you're going to get hit by a tree?

TIMPF: No, I mean, beard bacteria. We are really worried about beard bacteria? I once shared a toothbrush with my boyfriend for an entire semester of college and I'm not dead.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: But he died.

TIMPF: No, he's still alive. I spent a really long time trying to figure out why we were doing this story.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: And then I realized --

MURDOCH: Yes, tell him.

TIMPF: You can't grow a beard.

GUTFELD: No, I can grow a beard, I just choose not to.

TIMPF: And you want -- you just choose not to.

GUTFELD: I choose not.

TIMPF: And that's what he's going with publicly, folks.

MURDOCH: He has a disease, it's called toddlerism. No, look at him. He's like a really grown up toddler.

GUTFELD: Yes, I am.

MURDOCH: Like three or four and his body said good enough.

GUTFELD: I'm like -- I am Benjamin Button -- I am Benjamin Button but I'm stuck at a certain age.

LONG: I think this entire episode of this show will only be worth it if we get you to not put your phone on the floor of the toilet.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

LONG: All jokes aside, all kidding aside, stop doing that.

GUTFELD: I believe that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger so I welcome the bacteria of strangers in a public bathroom.

LONG: Well, then you know what, there are probably easier ways to get it then.

GUTFELD: Yes, there are.

MURDOCH: Yes.

LONG: If that's what you're going for.

GUTFELD: All right, Brian Park by the way. All right, "Final Thoughts."

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Thanks to Rob Long ...

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