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This is a rush transcript of "Gutfeld" on October 29, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Happy Friday my frighteningly friendly little freaks. It's the last day of Halloween week, which means it's time to check in on our favorite sitcom.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Previously on Here's Greg.

JOE DEVITO, COMEDIAN: Ah, would you look at this? I've seen it a million times. Another miniature red plastic car running over coworker after being driven recklessly by a tiny Greg Gutfeld dummy. You know, it never gets any easier.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Tonight's episode, Justice Comes Calling.

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Hi, thank you so much for coming in. Oh, I'm vaccinated. You don't have to wear a mask. So, it has come to my attention that you may have murdered Emily Compagno. Obviously, very against company policy. So what do you have to say for yourself? Take your silence to mean that you're denying the allegations but you have an extreme amount of facial rules.

So it's pretty clear that you were involved in a vehicular incident I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go. Oh, candy? Just in time for Halloween. That's so sweet. You know what? Forget about the whole year fired thing, OK?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: This show has allowed me to kill both Emily companion and Kat Timpf. So another day in New York City means another woman brutally beaten on a subway train. It's becoming as routine as death and taxes. Which could be the slogan for Biden in 2024. So this video made the rounds and it's brutal, but it's not really surprising.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Say it to my face now. Tell me to take a chill pill. Say the word chill pill.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Say the word chill pill.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: So far this video is closing in on three million views. One million likely by me. I've watched it more times than the outtakes from Naked and Afraid. Because like the Planet Fitness steam room after 8:00 p.m. there's a lot going on in that pack train. Obviously, this video shows a crazed dude slugging a chick in the face after she tells him to take a chill pill. Now maybe I'm wrong.

But punching someone who tells you to take a chill pill is the worst way to prove that you don't need a chill. It happened on the D-train which apparently stands for dangerous or deadly or damn, why am I still living in New York City? God, please help me get the (BLEEP) out of here. Amazing. Getting worse. Every day it's getting worse. Now the man had been shouting, say it to my face, regarding her chill pill comment, which she does.

And for what it's worth that shows a tremendous amount of bravery or stupidity. Mind your business. He says that again. And then he says, I'm dealing with my effing kids, whom I'm sure will grow up normal having that for a dad. Hopefully Child Protective Services notices what a great father he really is. So he smacks her hard and no one did a damn thing to intervene or check on the woman or subdue the perp.

Chivalry is dead. And it probably got killed by a guy with a long rap sheet who was led out of jail by Democrats. No wonder far left politicians are hiring all those security guards, which means it's time for.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: W-W-Y-D-I-T-S-A-S-B-H-O.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Yes, it's time for what would you do in this situation and seriously, be honest. OK? Because when I watched this I became enraged at the by standards who after appearing shocked seem to do nothing. Except to look at their phones and avoid eye contact. They act like me when kill me talks about his phlebitis. I don't even know what that is. I hope it's nothing serious.

Now this is the second such story where people witness a horrible crime and do nothing. In Philly, recently, an incapacitated woman was allegedly raped by an illegal alien sex fiend on a subway train and no one did anything. But as I keep thinking about this, I wonder what would I have done? I'd like to think I would have rushed to the woman's aid, scolded the guy. And if he lunged at me, I would have clocked him, sending him writhing to the floor.

But let's be honest, as guys, we replay these heroic fantasies in our heads. It's one of many. Some fantasize catching the winning past at the Super Bowl. I fantasize about rescuing a child from a well which isn't that helpful, since in the fantasy I also threw him down the well. But reality sets in. Maybe on the subway, I would have done nothing. Here's why. A man who slugs a woman sends a message that he do anything.

Chivalry is dead because bystanders know if they step in, there'll be dead too. And then of course, he created a force field by claiming he was a victim of racism. The sad part is because this is NYC, half the people on the train probably agreed with him. And if a white man stepped in the story would become about race. And all those folks who just looked down at their phones would be sure to point the phone at the melee.

And we would view that clip thousands of times, but with a context of a black man accosted by a white guy on a train. Accusations of race keep everyone in their place. Everything is judged not by context, but by group identity. Just like MLK didn't dream about. Remember, a cop prevented a fatal stabbing of a black woman only to be called out by LeBron James. If you dare address bad behavior anywhere, it's you who becomes the oppressor.

Doesn't matter that the crime was riddled with sexism because a strong man was pounding on a young woman. Women are equal to men now, remember? She should expect to get clocked just as hard as a man would. Don't step in, man, the independent woman can do it alone. It's a sad state of affairs. And danger is the only mistress. The fact is our world doesn't get worse overnight. It sneaks up on you like male pattern baldness, Robby.

Without reacting -- without reacting we let it unfold. When our heads are down, crime goes up. It started with the soft bigotry of low expectations followed by the notion that cops and prosecutors are part of the problem. Finally, criminals are let loose and there's nothing we can do about it but capture their crimes on our phones. Perhaps fresh after 9/11 the spirit of unity would have crushed this perp.

But now in this strange new world, we've lowered the bar for behavior. It went from a low bar to no bar to headlines like man or woman beat to death in a bar, leaving society fubar. But hey, maybe someone should have called a social worker.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. He's Jimmy Neutron costume wouldn't even need a wig. Reason Senior Editor Robby Soave. You know he's in the building when the hobos show up demanding their flows back. Fox Across America host Jimmy Failla. Unlike the three-month old yogurt in Kat's purse, she makes the kind of films we love to see. Director and former White House Staffer Amanda Milius.

And she turns heads when she walks into a building because of the loud sound it makes as he hits the wall. Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf. So Jimmy, the only thing worse than that woman getting hit by that guy is the current jacket that you're wearing. I mean, that isn't a -- that is punching me in the eyeballs.

JIMMY FAILLA, FOX NEWS RADIO HOST: I keep forgetting you've landed a role as a villain in the new fashion movie, The Devil Wears Oshkosh.

TIMPF: Oh, I think the villain is whoever sold that to you.

FAILLA: I love that you think I paid for this. And if anyone is interested, yes, it does come in men.

WALLACE: Are we -- what -- is this a disturbing sign of society or is this just how people act in a pack subway so they don't get hit?

FAILLA: Yes, well, that's part of it. I mean, that's why guys didn't jump in. And I have mixed emotions on this because I spent a lot of money on Craigslist to get beat up, you know. So there is that element to the -- there is that element to the story. But can we just acknowledge that at no point during this attack was anyone on the train saying, man it's a good thing there's not an unvaccinated cop coming here. Because that would make everything terrible, right?

GUTFELD: Exactly.

FAILLA: Oh, it's so insane. And the reality here is because it is a black man hitting a white woman, this story is not a story. Like if you're not shining a light on it, it's not really getting talked about because it goes against that narrative that, you know, white people are evil and we have what, you know, we have it coming to us, which I think is so cheap and stupid. And I think this is a reality that politicians have created that they themselves don't live in.

And I think even getting beyond race we're going to see more of this just because the subway is what? A constant reminder that things aren't going well for you in life. You know what I mean? You're stuck on the subway. Have you ever had one of those moments? Because everybody's mad, everybody is the worst version of themselves on the subway. If you ever been one of those moments where you run the catch the train?

I mean, you run and like (INAUDIBLE) the door shut right in front your face, and then like, God I hope that (BLEEP) train blows up. You know what I mean? But then a second later --

GUTFELD: I never fault that way.

FAILLA: But then --

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: I think you don't take the train.

FAILLA: But then, Greg, but then a second later the doors reopened and now you're on the train.

GUTFELD: Yes.

FAILLA: I don't know if this was the best idea.

GUTFELD: You know, I felt that way when I was watching sliding doors.

FAILLA: Yes.

GUTFELD: Call back to 1996 film starring Gwyneth Paltrow. What is wrong with you, people? She missed the sliding doors and then (INAUDIBLE) life changes and then she dies. I like that part. Amanda, let's talk about movies. Your dad, Death Wish, right?

AMANDA MILIUS, FORMER WHITE HOUSE STAFFER: No.

GUTFELD: Wait, what movie? What movies?

MILIUS: That my dad?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MILIUS: Death Wish, Red Dawn, Conan the Barbarian and he wrote Apocalypse Now, which is a little different than Death Wish.

GUTFELD: Why do I always thought your dad John Milius to Death Wish?

MILIUS: Because that's his persona. It's like very larger than life and kind of --

GUTFELD: Thank you for saving me but that was --

MILIUS: No worries.

GUTFELD: So, Apocalypse Now.

MILIUS: Sure.

GUTFELD: Are we at the Apocalypse Now?

FAILLA: Thank you.

GUTFELD: Thank you. Come on, everybody, I saved it. I saved it, Amanda. You know, but to Jimmy's point, it's like -- if you're scared of being called a racist, you're not going to do anything.

MILIUS: Yes. I mean, a lot of people were talking about this story like it had to do with crime where they were saying things like, well, Democrats voted for this. It's New York City. This is the chronic crime that, you know, happens when you let people out of jail and have loose crime laws. And you're like, no, it's actually about race. Like if this was a white guy that punched this woman, like people would not have hesitated as much to step in.

I also think it's really weird. Because I mean, yes, as you said, like, nobody wants to be the Karen on the viral video. And that's what they've created. And that's going to get much worse.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MILIUS: The other thing that's crazy, is I heard that the guy that's standing next to her was her boyfriend.

FAILLA: No.

MILIUS: I don't know if that's true or not, but like, I don't know how you continue having --

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: Yes. No, it's true anymore.

MILIUS: Yes. Like how do you continue to have like a normal relationship with a man that doesn't step in that situation?

FAILLA: That's bananas.

GUTFELD: But we don't know -- we don't know that but let's pretend it is true. Because that's what we do.

MILIUS: OK. No problem. I'll give you that free. I'll give you like the unverified.

GUTFELD: Yes. Yes. The unverified it was her boyfriend and yes, they're not sleeping together anymore.

MILIUS: No problem.

GUTFELD: Yes. Yes. All right, Robby. As I said in my monologue, every guy thinks that they're going to do something, right? I'm sure you've had these fantasies on your electric scooter.

ROBBY SOAVE, REASON SENIOR EDITOR: I'm going to write about it later. Oh, really bold action I will take. Journalist, no big deal, no, I know, I know. But, you know, I think -- I don't know how new this kind of stuff is. It's now we're recording it on video. Now everyone all the time has their phone out they see something, they got to let you see 30 seconds of it. Not what happened before, not what happens after and we all form impressions and we're talking about it on T.V. which is whatever he does.

But I don't -- so I don't know how new it is. It is new to like hear about crime or hear about like in D.C. with the shooting, someone's murdered and then you wait and then you're OK, and they weren't socially distancing. Oh.

GUTFELD: Yes.

SOAVE: Oh, no. That's the, you know, that's what alarm.

GUTFELD: Yes, that subway was packed by the way. Some of those people did get COVID, Kat.

FAILLA: Well, listen. COVID like the best thing to catch on the subway if we're being honest.

MILIUS: The safest thing to catch us.

GUTFELD: I've caught some things there and I take it home with me. You know, Kat, what lessons? Were there lessons learned?

TIMPF: I guess that depends. I mean, very rarely ever --

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: (INAUDIBLE) I guess, you know, New York, we keep talking about this. It's getting -- it's awful. Stuff like this happens all the time. But it's also so expensive still.

GUTFELD: Yes. To be here.

TIMPF: And that's upsetting to me. Because I really want to know like, what am I paying for? You know, like not -- I don't mean that in a rhetorical sense. But truly, like, what am I paying for? It's not safe. There's garbage everywhere. And yes, stuff like that happens and if it wasn't for a ticket, we would never know about it because I'm sure that's happened again, since that video was made something like that,0 probably five more times.

GUTFELD: Yes. There's a guy outside my building who punches the mailbox.

TIMPF: Yes. Well, what did the mail --

GUTFELD: Because I prefer.

TIMPF: What did the mailbox do to him now?

GUTFELD: Exactly. The Mailbox said chill pill.

TIMPF: Yes. Yes. One time a guy broke up with me for not being chill which was not a very chill thing of him to do.

GUTFELD: That is true. That is true. But then you killed him.

FAILLA: Yes.

TIMPF: Yes.

MILIUS: (INAUDIBLE) now.

GUTFELD: Yes. All right. Up next, illegal immigrants latest demand give him a check for 450 grand.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Across the border they made a dash now Biden's giving them a ton of cash. And taxpayers will foot the bill as illegals get half a mil. According to the Wall Street Journal, which is owned by our parent company R.C. Cola. The Biden administration is in talks to give huge cash payouts to illegal aliens. It's an actual solution for a series of lawsuits being brought by the ACLU. And some private attorneys on behalf of migrant families who had children separated at the border during only, only the Trump administration apparently.

They claimed the government subjected them to lasting psychological trauma by not sending them to prison with their parents. It raises the question, why don't I get any money for the long lasting psychological trauma I entered after accidentally seeing Jerrold Nadler in his pants? I still don't understand. But rather than fighting these claims in court, Biden's government wants to settle these claims with your cash, the average payout would be roughly 450 grand.

It's amazing. But in lieu of money, maybe some migrants will agree to a Hunter Biden painting. 500 grand. The total potential payout could be over one billion. Congressman Dan Crenshaw put it in perspective. Biden wants to pay illegal immigrants 450 grand for their hardship while breaking our laws. It's for service members killed in action. They're next to Kin gets an insurance payment of 400,000. Yes. And that's while Biden constantly checks his watch.

Joe, what say you?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TOM SHILLUE, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Look, man, don't tell me about -- I want to hear about money. It's just money, man. All right? You're talking to a guy who grew up without any money. I grew up. I was the only white lifeguard at a pool in Wilmington. Every day, it had -- pool had no water. That's the true story. Every day, I would dive off the diving board straight into the cement. So don't you tell me about the, you know, whatever you're talking about. I have to go.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: So, Amanda, I -- this is definitely part of some kind of a larger scheme. Because if this becomes -- I mean, this is a perfect way to just completely drain an economy. If this act happens. It's never going to stop. What is this -- who could be behind this?

MILIUS: I mean, you almost think it's like a villain and like a Bond movie or something.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MILIUS: Like it's so evil that like, you can't -- it's like, OK, they had to do this because we'd already reached rock bottom. And there's no policy worse. And so they're like, actually, let's give illegal immigrants half a million dollars. And it's like, really? Like, I think it's insane. Because I mean, obviously, you know, the -- what Dan Crenshaw said about the 400k. But I mean, the average service member only gets like 25k or something on average.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

MILIUS: And so like, that's what we pay to defend our country, but then they're going to have this idea where they're going to pay people to invade our country for half a million dollars. I just am like, I feel like it's pretty clear how that's going to end. Like, it's no longer a mystery, like how the American story is going to end.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MILIUS: And it's just -- it sucks when that's become clearer and clearer.

GUTFELD: You know, Robby, all of this is about the same -- it's about the same problem that Democrats I've always had and possibly even Republicans, but Republicans are better at incentives and disincentives. This isn't a -- this is an incentive. It's a pure incentive. As a libertarian, you must be shaking your head.

SOAVE: What I'm thinking is I can get half a million dollars for the psychological torment the government has visited upon me.

TIMPF: Yes.

SOAVE: Sign me up for that. I'm traumatized. Are you kidding me?

GUTFELD: Yes.

SOAVE: Yes, I mean, you know, we need Saner, I support Saner immigration laws, but we can't ---it's, you know, a confused mess. People come here, they break the law, et cetera. And then we're going to pay them, doesn't make any sense.

GUTFELD: No, it doesn't. In fact, Kat when I heard this, I thought that it was a joke. I went -- because I was sitting on "THE FIVE" and somebody is reading a tweet in a break. And I'm good, that is not real. Don't even report it. I was telling Jesse, be normal for once and don't report it.

TIMPF: Jesse.

GUTFELD: You're crazy. You're getting this from some crazy site. You know, and it's like -- and then all of a sudden, I'm looking at go holy crap, this -- it's a parody. It's not going to -- it can't happen, right?

TIMPF: I stopped saying that. And when it comes to the government or anything else, but it's also just the government separates parents and kids all the time.

GUTFELD: Right. The military.

TIMPF: The -- I mean, the military does it. Yes. Jail and look, I -- nonviolent drug crimes, right? And I'm not saying that there aren't drugs that are not necessarily good for child rearing.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: But you know, some of the mandatory minimums decades and decades of keeping parents and kids separated. So the fact that it's just this situation and just the Trump administration makes me seem like it's more politically motivated than anything else. And boy, do I not like that.

GUTFELD: Oh, you must (INAUDIBLE) too. It's creating a whole voting bloc. Is that the whole point, Jimmy?

FAILLA: That's the way it looks. By the way, I left that the Hunter Biden comparison. $500,000 It was a great --

TIMPF: Yes.

FAILLA: Five hundred thousand dollars for a painting and if you think the price is high, you should meet the painter. But speaking is -- speaking is -- I think -- I believe the only parent on the panel. So speaking --

GUTFELD: Wait, you're --

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: As far as I know.

(CROSSTALK)

FAILLA: Well, if you're -- if you're a parent, and you don't know, that's a big problem. You know what I'm saying?

MILIUS: What do you mean?

FAILLA: What do you call? But yes.

GUTFELD: Reproduce.

FAILLA: Speaking -- well, speaking as the only birthing person on the panel.

(CROSSTALK)

FAILLA: Don't I look like the Ghost of Christmas Future for him if he doesn't like hold his life together?

MILIUS: Yes. Yes. You should have directed that male, that baldness joke to Jimmy (INAUDIBLE) that was unfair.

TIMPF: You're so bothered by -- you're so bothered by --

FAILLA: We -- I do I look like a scared straight version of Robby. Do you want to wear leopard print on the Gutfeld show in your 40s? You know, but I just want to say this, as a family man, everybody's making too big of a deal over family separation. If I walked with my family a thousand miles, we would thank God for somebody to separate us by the time we got to the border.

My wife would have been making out with the border agent like I could have used your 500 miles ago when he told the Don Mattingly story again. Oh my god.

GUTFELD: Yes.

FAILLA: But it's stupid.

GUTFELD: So when I look at people approaching the border, they do not look desperate. Is that wrong to say?

FAILLA: No.

MILIUS: No.

GUTFELD: Okay, good. That's how I judge what I do. I just ask people. Does that sound bad? If somebody says no, I'll just say it. All right. Up next. It's what we all feared Mark Zuckerberg got more weird.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Is it lame to change your name just to avoid blame? Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg AKA shaved gerbil head, has announced that's name, has announced, his company will be rebranding itself Meta. He says, it's all about aligning with his virtual reality vision for the future, which he detailed in a 90-minute video this week. We now pause to watch all 90-minutes with no interruptions.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

MARK ZUCKERBERG, FOUNDER, FACEBOOK/META: It is time for us to adopt a new company brand to encompass everything that we do. To reflect who we are, and what we hope to build, I am proud to announce that starting today, our company is now Meta.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Yes. He's so completely relatable. That's Meta, like he's never met a fellow human being before. He says, relatable. It's true. He says, relatable, as bringing silly string to a funeral. I don't know what he is. He says, the new Meta name will better encompass what they do which is reaching beyond social media. Meta comes from the Greek word meaning beyond. Yes, ladies, I am bilingual.

Plus, I speak two languages. You can't help but wonder if it's a response to all the bad press Facebook has been getting lately. Alec Baldwin's had a better week. But you know what, we need more of Zuckerberg picking out an outfit.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ZUCKERBERG: And it has an incredibly inspiring view of whatever you find most beautiful.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Hey, are you coming?

ZUCKERBERG: Yes, just got to find something to wear. All right, perfect.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Yes. Perfect. Let's have some more of this crap.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ZUCKERBERG: And one example that we are seeing take off is fitness. And speaking of that, I think it's time for my workout.

A lot of you are already using quest to stay fit. It lets you work out in some completely new ways. It's kind of like a peloton. But instead of a bike, you just have your VR headset in with it. You can do anything from boxing lessons, to sword fighting to even dancing.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Even dancing. He reminds me of a sex robot but without the sex. Kat, is this just proof that he doesn't have any friends?

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes, thank you.

TIMPF: That's exactly what it's proof of. Because, you know, he's very, very rich, which you think, you know, you could do something about being like that.

Like, I always thought that money could buy more than it really can, you know?

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: You could get a coach, like humans don't do that. But you can't -- I just don't understand, like, all the money in the world. And you come up with a Meta?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: That's what everybody's come up with after like, a couple whippets, you know what I mean? Whatever those are.

GUTFELD: If were Metamucil.

JIMMY FAILLA, COMEDIAN: That's funny.

GUTFELD: If I were him Metamucil, I would sue him. You know, Amanda, you are a filmmaker, so let's say doesn't this remind you of the Michael Crichton movie "Disclosure?" Do you remember that movie?

AMANDA MILIUS, DIRECTOR/PRODUCER: Yes. But it's crits -- it's so much creepier than like anything people have so far actually created in order to be creepy. Like the dystopian future of just watching that, I already -- I just want out, like, I'm done. I'm out. But the thing that's really weird about it is like the social media companies think that they're going to be moving towards this like, Meta, you know, V.R. world. They might want to stop, like just banning people all the time and like censoring them, because basically, what's going to entice anyone to get into this weird V.R. world where they're just going to be like, you can come into the V.R. world and sit here and be quiet.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MILIUS: And you're like, yes, I'm good. I don't -- I don't need like, I can't connect with anybody anyway. So, like, why would I do this? So, I mean, it's yes, it's a little crazy.

GUTFELD: It's interesting, but if you get cancelled in this world?

MILIUS: Do you get canceled in the next? Right, yes!

GUTFELD: Do you?

MILIUS: Yes. Nice. I see that -- excellent. Well done.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

MILIUS: Speaking of filmmakers.

GUTFELD: Yes. It's all in here. Jimmy.

FAILLA: Zuckerberg is what would happen if the robot from "Small Wonder" transitioned.

GUTFELD: Ah, that's good. That's very good. I agree --

FAILLA: Do you remember, Vicky? Vicky from "Small Wonder?"

GUTFELD: Who doesn't remember Vicky.

FAILLA: That's a deep cut.

GUTFELD: Maybe Vicky, but --

FAILLA: It's a deep cut. What I find so fascinating about this is how with a straight face, they're not acknowledging why the rebrand is happening. It's happening, why? Because the branding is toxic.

GUTFELD: Yes.

FAILLA: There's two types of couples that renew their wedding vows. One is they're married 25 or 50 years, they're adorable, they have grandkids, where there they want a bunch of pictures. The other is they're married seven, he knocked up a stewardess. They just want to rebrand and start from scratch, which by the way, if no one's doing anything on Sunday, my wife and I are getting married.

But that's all this is, is a reset. And what's funny is that they're not acknowledging why the reset is, is because everyone on the left is mad at them because they didn't, you know, censor conservatives enough.

GUTFELD: Right.

FAILLA: So, this is the declaration that there's more common. I hate him. I'm sorry.

GUTFELD: Yes, you know, all right. So, Robby, you are going to be the benefactor of my theory, which is that this is if Zucker is creating a simulation, there's going to be a moment in time where in that simulation, you will be able to create another simulation. And what if you can simulate a forward direction, what does that tell us about the backward that we --

ROBBY SOAVE, SENIOR EDITOR, REASON: Right now, we're in --

GUTFELD: It's simulation because he's creating a simulation inside that simulation, simulations -- all the way down. I am not high. I think I have -- I do believe I have a stomach flu, which could be making me crazy, but - -

SOAVE: And it's a glitch in "The Matrix."

GUTFELD: Yes.

SOAVE: You're experiencing some kind of --

GUTFELD: Diarrhea.

SOAVE: No, it's almost like he's inventing -- I'm listening to him describe here's how you'll do fitness and change clothes. Are you pivoting to real life?

GUTFELD: Yes.

SOAVE: Like inventing the opposite of social media just like going about your day?

GUTFELD: That's true. He's coming around to go outside.

TIMPF: I know how to do that already.

SOAVE: But it is funny that just like Jimmy said, he had Republicans, Democrats, everyone -- Biden, Trump, everyone, every political figure mad at this company, wants to regulate it out of existence. And I'm just thinking, why? It's done. It is over. It will -- it's a dying star. It will never command.

GUTFELD: Do you think it's -- you think it's done?

SOAVE: It will never command the political, social and cultural relevance that command did three years ago. This is -- there's -- and V.R. might be the future, this guy's not going to invent it. It's going to be some other company. His company is done.

GUTFELD: Yes, interesting. All right. All right, coming up. People who boast about believing in ghosts.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: It is the view of most that there are aliens and ghosts. Yes, these believers come clean just in time for Halloween. A new survey from Phantom Wines -- I love where we get our research.

Yes, you're going to be on "SPECIAL REPORT" real soon, Kat. So, anyway, like I am, I am too. Anyway, they find that a majority of people, 21 and older believe in some form of the paranormal. Nearly 60 percent believe in ghosts, followed by extra-terrestrials at 39 percent. Bigfoot seen here, at 27 percent. And vampires at 14 percent. How do you think they get up so early huh? "FOX AND FRIENDS." Meanwhile, for in 10 even claimed to have had an experience with the paranormal, when in reality they just ranted a Kat without her hair. He looks just like E.T. For more, we go to our frightened correspondent.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JOE MACHI, COMEDIAN: Greg, not afraid of ghosts, that's, that's kids' stuff.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: So stupid, but time saving. So, Robby, I assume that being Libertarian, you laugh at such beliefs, right?

SOAVE: Until just now, I thought this was "SPECIAL REPORT."

FAILLA: Really bummed.

SOAVE: Yes, no, sorry, I don't believe in ghosts or aliens or, or Havana syndrome, which I'm learning a lot about now.

GUTFELD: Yes, no that's not, that's not real either.

SOAVE: COVID did come lab leak that, that one I believe, that's true.

GUTFELD: Yes.

SOAVE: All the rest of it, no. But there's, you know, there's unexplained things, and then eventually they become explained, and it's never magic.

GUTFELD: Yes, I like to think Jimmy, that because -- if people believe that the universe began, then there, that must suggest something existed before. And maybe, we're seeing things like this in a simulation, these ghosts and stuff could be the product of the simulator. What do you say to that, man in an ugly jacket?

FAILLA: I'm just going to let you have that one by the way.

GUTFELD: That wasn't very good.

FAILLA: It was, it was great. I love it. I fell for it.

SOAVE: He does look like the guy you turn to in those documentaries about ghosts. What's his name from -- you know, Reno University.

FAILLA: That was --

GUTFELD: That or "Storage Wars," yes.

MILIUS: Or the cat trainer.

GUTFELD: Yes, the cat trainer.

FAILLA: You just keep them coming, I love it -- that's great, man. Fantastic stuff.

GUTFELD: Go ahead.

FAILLA: No, the ghost thing.

GUTFELD: Yes.

FAILLA: We've learned a lot about ghosts in the last year. For instance, a lot of them voted in the 2020 election.

GUTFELD: There you go. Red meat.

FAILLA: That one.

TIMPF: Red for the red is red meat.

FAILLA: I, actually, on some weird level believe there's like a math to the universe and that there is an afterlife, like floating around. And I believe there's some particle -- I know this sounds like a Marianne Williamson at a DNC debate. But I do feel like there's something ah, but I don't think it's is reductive as we explained it, which is just boo. You know?

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes --

FAILLA: There's some --

GUTFELD: I agree with you. I think that there's unexplained phenomenon, Amanda, what do you think?

MILIUS: I mean, people believe lots of crazy things in this country, like the Joe Biden was the most popular candidate in 2020, and all kinds of crazy things. Apparently, these days, the vibe is if you can imagine you're it, it is reality, so why, why not?

GUTFELD: Yes, I was a little bit alarmed by the amount of people who are believing Bigfoot, Kat.

TIMPF: Yes, that's a lot of people.

GUTFELD: It is like a lot of people.

TIMPF: Like, why? They Googled it.

GUTFELD: Yes, they Googled it when they were asked.

TIMPF: Yes, exactly. I don't know, I don't know how I feel about any of this. I would love to believe in it, you know what I mean? I would love to believe that when I die, then I come back as like a super-hot ghost. You know, like my hair extensions are always in. You know what I mean?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: That would be great. Instead of just bleep thinking me they just die and then that's it. And then, I'm just, you know, ah --

GUTFELD: Yes. I never -- that's the thing that we so have been crazy about, ghosts. It's like when they're dead, when they come back, are they -- how they were when they died? Do you know how everything in heaven, everybody's the same age? But as a kid, you're not going to want grandmother at your age. You want grandmother at her age? Because you knew your grandmother at 70 --

TIMPF: No, I would love to meet my hot grandma --

GUTFELD: Granny, Granny wants to be 18. Your grandmother wants to be 18, but you want your Granny to be 78?

FAILLA: You do.

GUTFELD: That's going to be a huge problem in heaven.

TIMPF: Well, nobody saw that, you're fine.

GUTFELD: That was a ghost. Jesus, I'm drooling.

TIMPF: No, no, what if you see whatever you want to see? No, but that (INAUDIBLE) I want everyone to see me as a super-hot ghost.

GUTFELD: All right, up next, fill your belly before the leftover jokes get too smelly.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: "GREG'S LEFTOVERS"

GUTFELD: Time once again for leftovers. It's the jokes we didn't use this week, but now they get a second chance. And as always, it's the first time I'm reading them. Here we go:

Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot was booed off stage at a recent union event. Lightfoot took it in stride, saying at least it covered the sound of the gunfire.

That was good.

Start one for one. A Kentucky school district is investigating a homecoming event where teen boys gave lap dances to fellow students and their principal. Officials apologizing said we don't condone that kind of behavior here at Kevin Spacey High School.

Former New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has, was officially charged with a crime that could force him to register as a sex offender. Cuomo said, he's made all the right decisions to beat the case and referred questions to his lawyer, Eliot Spitzer.

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio accidentally referred to himself as Captain Kirk while wearing the Blue Star Trek uniform favored by Mr. Spock. De Blasio apologized saying he would never support someone wearing blue. Good one. The self-proclaimed Trekkie then uttered more inaccuracies like "may the force be with you," "E.T. phone home," and "I am a competent mayor."

In a recent interview, CNN Anderson Cooper -- admitted he created a bogus Instagram account to help sell his late mother's artwork. Cybersecurity experts say, the fake persona was nearly as phony as Cooper in person.

The World Series is underway in Atlanta after the Braves lost to the Astros, 72, in game one, Stacey Abrams demanded a recount. Saw that one common like a frisbee in the desert.

The Biden administration released a 42-page plan to promote gender equality. It's a 42-page recipe book. That's funny in itself. Instructing men how to make their own sandwiches. That was pretty good. You're not laughing.

The plan calls for shrinking the pay gap, increased funding for Obamacare and tough new consent rules before you can sniff a woman's hair. Government has given out the first passport with 'x' as the sex for those who have a difficult time identifying as male or female. Congratulations, and I hope you have a wonderful time traveling, Steven Tyler.

Our reject jokes are better than the late-night jokes on other shows.

Former MSNBC Contributor Tore or Toray says Condoleezza Rice's stance on Critical Race Theory proves she's a foot soldier for white supremacy. But Rice debunked the theory that white people are superior just by sitting next to Joy Behar.

San Francisco families say they no longer feel safe and the crime spree and they've hired a private security. Security agents conduct overnight patrols looking for suspicious looking people, like anyone not (BLEEP) in the street.

Internal documents revealed that Instagram displays images of anorexic girls to kids with eating disorders. To combat the problem, all accounts will now auto follow Michael Moore.

Finally, COVID restrictions could force 43 percent of caregivers to have to choose between their jobs and their responsibilities at home next year. Try not showing up for two months and not telling anyone said Pete Buttigieg. Those were pretty good.

All right. Now, before we go, we want to wish a big Happy Birthday to Winona Ryder. It is her birthday but it's also Kat's, right? As always, we always get her a nice big plate of perogies, but knowing that it's Kat's birthday, and we know what goes well with pierogies, and that's of course, the meth.

TIMPF: Thank you.

GUTFELD: Perogies and meth.

TIMPF: See if I can catch this.

GUTFELD: There you go.

TIMPF: Thank you. Meth just for me.

GUTFELD: Yes. Yes. Well, that's the end of that segment.

TIMPF: My dad's going to be so proud.

GUTFELD: He should be proud. How -- what's it like, you're 40 -- like changes.

TIMPF: I'm 33.

GUTFELD: Your hair extensions are 33. The rest of it --

TIMPF: Oh, no, my hair ranges are much younger than I am. They make me look younger than I am. Anything else?

GUTFELD: No, I don't know. I mean I haven't been told to tease yet, so I guess we just sit here awkwardly.

TIMPF: And talk about me? I don't have a problem with that.

GUTFELD: All right, what do you -- you got plans for your birthday?

TIMPF: Yes, right here.

GUTFELD: Who would have thought a show on Fox News. (INAUDIBLE) doing meth.

FAILLA: No one saw this coming.

GUTFELD: And not really joking. Not at all. Don't go away. We'll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Well, first of all, you can tell that the IVF actually was a huge success. I'd like to thank Gary and Bad Greg, for helping us out through the Halloween week. They did a bang-up job. He murdered Emily and Kat.

All right thanks to Robby Soave, Amanda Milius, Jimmy Failla, Kat Timpf, our great studio audience. "FOX NEWS @ NIGHT" with evil Shannon Bream is next. I'm Greg Gutfeld and I love you, America.

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