Gutfeld: Living in the media's lie

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Gutfeld: Living in the media's lie

The media want you to think a time of peace and prosperity is worse than an era of division and war.

This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," August 18, 2018. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BRIAN WILLIAMS, ANCHOR, NBC: We just hope no one in the dog community is watching. Does this President really, physically not like dogs?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: That's right, Brian, he is actually the first President in more than a hundred years who has not had a dog.

WILLIAMS: We launched an extensive web search that took us at least a few minutes and we could only find one photo extant in all of the land with Donald Trump with a dog.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: We've been making light a little bit of the President not wanting to have a dog in the House, but it's deadly serious what he does with that word.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GREG GUTFELD, HOST, THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW: Well, that's just inaccurate. Bill Clinton was the last dog in the White House. Yes. So on Thursday, the media spoke truth to power, meaning they spoke to themselves about themselves. Let's hear more from the most trusted man in news.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Three hundred newspapers coordinated articles criticizing President Trump just after he'd accused them of coordinating articles criticizing President Trump. And nobody read them. If jerks like me weren't talking about it, would you even know?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: God, that guy is gorgeous. He really is, you can applaud. He is the new Cronkite. But why shouldn't I quote myself? Isn't that what the media does? They are always talking to each other around a coordinated campfire roasting marshmallows, shaped like the head of Donald Trump? So here's a question, do the people at home who subscribe to those newspapers know what they just read about Trump was actually coordinated hackery? Or did they not notice since such collusion over Trump by the press is identical to their usual workday?

The difference, they actually plan this like a protest because it was. Yes, finally the media and the activist politics made their wedded bliss transparent. It's been there all along, but now the press put a ring on their activist finger and they are now rounding second base in front of the family. Seriously, get a room. What hypocrisy though, they say Trump is limiting free speech as they all scream this together. Trump accuses them of acting as an alliance and they respond as an alliance.

They are going to love this. Now, people get mad when Trump calls the media the opposition party and he'd be wrong if you are a Democrat, if you're one of those. you could say anything about anyone, right, John Heilman?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JOHN HEILMAN, NATIONAL-AFFAIRS ANALYST FOR NBC NEWS AND MSNBC: How many people in the Republican Party think that it would be okay for Donald Trump to dissolve their own grandparents? I'm virtually certain that if it was a Donald Trump -related question you'd get like 10%, that would be like Donald Trump has the power to do whatever he wants, including kill my parents.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Wait, I'm confused. First you say it's grandparents who will die and then you say it's the parents who will die, make up your mind, crazy pants McBozo face. The media loves this guy. He's always on "Morning Joe." He wrote "Game Change" and what he just said is so cartoonish, I'm looking for the falling anvil.

Imagine me saying what he said about Obama, like a pie resting on Michael Moore's lap, I'd be finished. Let's recap. sorry. The same dopes who slept at the foot of Obama's bed who happily ignored explosive stories regarding immigration, Iran and DOJ and god knows what else are now wide awake during Trump. Trump as their five-hour energy drink. Who will, by the way, kill your grandparents and your parents.

What phonies. They gave Trump tons of free media, made money hand over fist because of it thinking it was okay because Hillary was going to ride into the Oval Office in a chariot made of pant suits. But Trump wasn't the pushover and neither were you. While the media ridiculed Trump nonstop, you stopped caring and the press became that weird guy you ignore on the bus. Me.

Trump won and now all the media can do is blame him for what they helped accomplish. Meanwhile, this media mob accuses Trump of demonizing all news, but that's also fake news.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: The dishonest media did not explain that I called the fake news the enemy of the people. The fake news. They dropped off the word "fake" and all of a sudden, the story became the media is the enemy. They take the word fake out and now I'm saying, "Oh no, this is no good."

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That's no good. It's no good. So the media ignores the clarifications that are obvious to us in order to maintain the fantasy that they are the oppressed. I can remember many times when some of us tried to criticize Obama or Hillary and were called racist or sexist. So through fear and smear, the media actually silenced opinion.

You hated free speech for everybody, but you and now you get to pretend you're the victim? Spare me. So media, enjoy the campfire, but your justification for this sing-along is false. The Trump apocalypse is just more fake news because see, I know, I took a history class. I was at the Nixon Library on Monday and there's a wall devoted to one year -- 1968. Nothing but war, assassination, communism, domestic terror, riots, crime -- all that was missing was Alec Baldwin eating a sack of donuts on a bus toilet.

I don't even know why I said that. The fact is the media wants you to think 2018, a time of peace and prosperity is worse -- far worse than '68, a time of division and war. And as we call them on it, they can't handle it. [Bleep], own it. You had it coming. But visiting both the Nixon and Reagan libraries made me think of what our Trump library might be like. I can't wait to see it.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Tired of the same old Presidential libraries with their papers pouring historical records and photos of old dumb stuff that happened before you were born like the internet? Then, you're going to love the Donald Trump super extreme Presidential luxury library.

Yes, we're not waiting until he's out of office because that's stupid. The Donald Trump super extreme Presidential luxury library is half luxury yacht and supersonic jet located inside Mount Rushmore within the skull of George Washington. You want exhibition? Check out our historical recreations of Trump fighting a meteor, Trump wrestling Bigfoot and Trump fighting his evil twin Zoltar Trump on the surface of Saturn's moon.

None of this happened, which is why the super extreme library is [bleep] awesome. Plus, the water fountains are not filled with water, but actual liberal tears squeezed from the faces of former Clinton staffers. Listen to Trump shares, listen to the state of rallies and be waited on by (inaudible) base serving nothing but super well-done burgers. There's also a special hall of Trump's achievement honoring when he cured all diseases with drugs he found on Mars, discovered cold fusion powered by TV ratings, replaced war with puppies, and made every day the Fourth of July, except for Christmas which last two weeks.

Mementos of the Presidency include the actual pantsuit Hillary Clinton wore when she found out she lost, John Brennan's security clearance and the entire country of Canada. It's a Donald Trump super extreme Presidential luxury library.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. If laughter is the best medicine, then all his patients would die, Fox News radio host Tom Shillue. She's the best thing to come from Australia since Hugh Jackman's abs, foxnews.com reporter Hollie McKay. This kitty cat won't give you a break, "National Review" reporter Kat Timpf. And his neighbors begged him to stop doing jumping jacks, former WWE superstar and my massive sidekick, Tyrus. Because it's true.

GUTFELD: Tom, what you make of this activist press?

TOM SHILLUE, FOX NEWS RADIO HOST: I read every one of those, Greg.

GUTFELD: Really?

SHILLUE: yes, I thought they were all going to be the same one, but they were different, but it was all a variation on the same theme which was, "This is not about Donald Trump, it's about press freedom and by the way here's five paragraphs about Donald Trump," so they can't stop talking about him, but paradoxically he knows that's what drives their ratings. I mean, for the first time we're talking about the Sun Times, and the Houston Chronicle, so everyone is getting what they want, but you mentioned Barack Obama, which is excellent because he complained about the press all the time.

GUTFELD: But only one press.

SHILLUE: Fox News.

GUTFELD: Yes. Exactly.

SHILLUE: So what is more representative of a healthy democracy? A President who constantly complains that 90% of the media is out to get him or the President who complains about the 5% that wasn't licking his boots.

GUTFELD: I'm glad you said boots. Hollie, is this helping Trump when they do this stuff?

HOLLIE MCKAY, REPORTER, FOXNEWS.COM: Well, Trump argues that the press is colluding against him and they have a sort of conspiracy, so what does the press do to prove that they don't have a conspiracy and that they are independent reporters? They collude on a bunch of editorials to say, "Oh, let's get the President." So, of course, it's playing into Trump's hand. It's the ultimate drug for him.

GUTFELD: It's a win. That's why he let it happen, Kat. I find it to be very dramatic. It's like what you would do if you were playing the media in a movie, do you know what I mean? Doing something like this, they should be thankful that Trump allows them to participate in this fantasy role-playing.

KAT TIMPF, REPORTER, NATIONAL REVIEW: Well, you have to be allowed because we have the First Amendment.

GUTFELD: What is that again?

TIMPF: Right, it's Freedom of Speech. You know, Greg, I am actually going to look on the positive side of things here.

GUTFELD: No ...

GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, FORMER WWE SUPERSTAR: Breaking news.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I know a lot of people in our audience are probably upset about a lot of these editorials because their very anti- Trump, but think about how great it is that we live in a country where you can actually openly criticize the President.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: You're not going to get your head chopped off and you can do whatever you want, you can totally be open and critical as you want to be and you're totally safe and that is great. This has been the Kat Timpf positivity hour, and I hope everyone enjoyed it. There probably will not be another episode.

GUTFELD: I don't think so. I don't if I'm comfortable around a positive Kat Timpf. You should only be negative.

TIMPF: Okay.

GUTFELD: All right, Tyrus, bring it home. Thoughts on anything you like.

MURDOCH: Before we get started on the battle royal between Trump and the media, where does one get a bag of donuts? I've been around donuts my whole life, I've seen them in a box, I've seen them in a cup, but never quite in a bag.

GUTFELD: 3:00 a.m. when the people are really tired, you ask for a bag of donuts, and they give it to you. Trust me.

MURDOCH: Is this a plastic bag? A paper bag?

GUTFELD: A plastic bag, and you use the bag later when you throw up.

MURDOCH: Gee, that's great. Listen, if you can't beat them one-on-one and in my neighborhood, kids used to try to fight all the time and it didn't always work, so they would form teams. I remember, one time, my brother formed a team with like two of his friends to beat me up, but they were still undersized and outmatched and they got their asses handed to them.

Well, the press has been getting their asses handed to them individually, so now we're going to see collaborations between CNN and MSNBC. It will be MSNNC and they will be working and -- it'll be Don Lemon sitting with Rachel Maddow together and if they say it at the same time, with Cuomo on the back, "Let's get after him." So it's going to be a great -- they are formed up, they've circled the wagons, and if they stick together, they can maybe win one of these arguments with him.

And then, he'll just change the rule and call them a name, and then they'll get upset and then they'll form another committee, and another committee. I like it, it's easier to watch.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: I'm going to watch one station.

GUTFELD: Exactly. That's true. It's true. It's all the same. All right, this show is not all the same. It's very, very different. Different to a point that it might have a problem. I don't know. Coming up, a gofundme has been launched to raise money for Peter Strzok. I bet his wife told him to go fund himself.

Remember Peter Strzock, the agent the FBI fired and who was investigating -- stop it, you -- who was investigating Russian collusion and Hillary's e- mail server while also sending anti-Trump e-mails to his lover, but for me, I'll always remember him as the guy who looked like he was scratching his ass with an upturned nail.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

PETER STRZOK, FORMER FBI AGENT: I already answered that question, so now the gentleman from Maryland ...

I've already answered that question, so now the gentleman from Maryland ...

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Whatever he is doing right there cannot be clean. It's just not clean. Anyway, on Monday, a gofundme page was set up to raise money for him and one day, they raised $325,000.00 and they're on their way to a half-million. This is great news because it's proof of a strong economy to have all that money to waste on that guy, hooray for the Trump economy. But also that gofundme page pissed off so many people that they are now donating to worthier causes, like the World War II vet who needed a stair lift. This week, his stepdaughter tweeted that she'd only raised $400.00 after two months while everybody is donating to Strzock, people saw that and gave the gofundme goal or doubled the gofundme goal. And a few days later this video was posted.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Thank you, everybody.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Finally, Kat Timpf, something positive coming from Twitter, right?

TIMPF: Yes, absolutely.

GUTFELD: Yes, now, you can be positive here, too.

TIMPF: Oh, okay, now, this story just blew my mind because I always thought I was bad with money until I saw people were giving theirs to Peter Strzock. I mean, there is so much cool stuff you can do with money, you can go out to dinner, you can go on vacation, you could buy socks with pictures of your cats face printed on to them. I mean, there's nothing wrong with donating money, but there are a lot of legitimate causes out there to actually donate to like people are dying ...

GUTFELD: That's true. That's true.

TIMPF: There's people out there who are literally dying and who need money for potentially life-saving treatments and you're donating money to Peter Strzock. He got fired. That is not a charity cause and I say that as someone who was once fired from Ruby Tuesday.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's hard to do.

TIMPF: You get another job and you move on.

GUTFELD: And you deserve that firing.

TIMPF: I did.

GUTFELD: Yes, the things you did to the files ...

TIMPF: I don't want to get into the details because I want to be able to get another waitressing job someday if I need to.

GUTFELD: What you're seeing is the eternal backup job, even I do it. All right, Hollie, what you make of this gofundme business?

MCKAY: Half a million dollars? $250,000.00? How much money does it take to win back your integrity, Greg?

MURDOCH: Oh, yes.

GUTFELD: Very good.

MCKAY: Can he make millions? I don't know.

GUTFELD: Well, you know what? He's good at making -- this is the other thing. He's going to make millions off of a book. That's why he doesn't need any money. That book is -- everybody gets a book off Trump.

TIMPF: It's going to be a new genre of books. People Trump fired section.

GUTFELD: Tom, what are your thoughts? Should we feel sorry for Peter Strzok?

SHILLUE: Well, we shouldn't feel sorry for his lawyers.

GUTFELD: That's true.

SHILLUE: Because this is what lawyers do, they see how much money is available and then they just divide it up and they lie out their billable hours, so they're like, "Peter, we're working overtime, man, I've been up all night writing up legal briefs for you. I guess I need all the money." So, all the money go to his lawyer anyway. He doesn't need it. I think he should get a job like on the "Hollywood Squares." He could be like the Paul Lind of the "Hollywood Squares."

GUTFELD: Yes.

SHILLUE: That little nook. It reminded me of Paul Lind.

GUTFELD: I love it. I'm never tired of looking at that video, Tyrus, is there something wrong with me?

MURDOCH: Well, is that the question? You really want me to go there?

GUTFELD: We have 45 minutes left in the show.

MURDOCH: Yes, let's go. You guys would all be crying if I told you what was wrong with him. Hey, listen, I'm telling you guys right now, I am personally inspired by this story.

GUTFELD: Really?

MURDOCH: Yes, I am very excited about it because I'm going to start a gofundme in case Tyrus screws up fund, so if I get a half-million in case I were to say the wrong thing on TV or apologize on live TV for saying something wrong like the other day, I'd have that blanket to fall back on. That would be phenomenal. So if everyone can get together and I'll show you some of my tweets, I'll put some stuff out there, maybe some weird texts I sent at three in the morning when I was younger, I'd be happy to put that out there if you guys will support me. It's -- I am not going to spend it now, but in case something happens, I think that's great.

GUTFELD: You know what you just invented?

MURDOCH: The safety net.

GUTFELD: No, you invented social media insurance.

MURDOCH: Yes, that's exactly -- yes, yes.

GUTFELD: All right, you have to get home before people watch the show and you have two.

MURDOCH: twitterbomb.com. You go too far and you think you're on. This will be great. This will be great.

GUTFELD: It does not even have to rhyme.

MURDOCH: No, it doesn't.

GUTFELD: That's a brilliant idea. Social media insurance. I would buy it immediately.

MURDOCH: Trolling insurance.

GUTFELD: Yes. Anyway, this is all virtue signaling, it's so when you can go -- when you're at Starbucks, you can go to your coworker and you go, "Yes, I donated to Peter Strzock's defense fund. Every little bit helps." Aren't I special and important? Was that a good impression?

SHILLUE: It really was.

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: Pretty good.

GUTFELD: Was it pretty good?

MURDOCH: I don't know what gender it was, but I was convinced it was somebody.

GUTFELD: I often have that problem with myself.

MURDOCH: Which is safe because everyone's included.

GUTFELD: Yes, I am very diverse. All right, still to come, a Massachusetts mayor boycott Sam Adams Beer because of Trump, Part 450 in the series why people are losers.

ROBERT GRAY, CORRESPONDENT, FOX NEWS: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Robert Gray. White House counsel, Don McGahn has reportedly cooperated extensively with special counsel Robert Mueller, now the "New York Times" reporting that McGahn has met at least three times with investigators for 30 hours over the past nine months. He reportedly provided insight into the President's demeanor regarding Mueller's investigation. Topics that McGahn has reportedly discussed with Mueller's team includes the firing of former FBI director James Comey.

Overseas, the death toll from those historic floods in India continues to climb, hundreds have died. Soldiers were deployed to rescue those trapped without food, water and electricity. Thousands are stuck on the rooftops of houses and community centers. Emergency crews are struggling to reach those who need help. I'm Robert Gray, now back to "The Greg Gutfeld Show."

GUTFELD: It's a public smear over beer. Sam Adams is the latest brand with the Trump problem, at least, that's what this "Boston Globe" headline says. It all started when a Massachusetts mayor -- aren't they all -- announced on Twitter -- how brave -- that he will never drink Sam Adams beer again because the companies cofounder praised Trump's tax cuts. That is all the Sam Adam guy did. He didn't commit a crime. Nobody got hurt, he just had an opinion. In fact, the only thing getting murdered here is the punctuation in this tweet, but because everyone loves to boycott, others are joining in.

And now, we can't like something or anything fun like a beer because the cofounder likes Trump. But when we boycotted everything, there won't be anything fun left. We're going to need a drug for that.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Many white people who do yoga and it's mostly white people who do yoga, so a few of them understand the culture, history and the religion behind yoga.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Tired of people telling you why all your hobbies and interests are problematic? It's that new phrase you used by social justice warriors who want to sound educated, but don't want to do thinking to figure out what the real problem is or if there even is one in the first place, which means in 2018, your favorite dating shows are sexist, your Halloween custom is cultural appropriation and your favorite sports bar cancelled the NFL package because of all the protests.

SHILLUE: This is ridiculous. Everything that was once fun is now bad. How am I supposed to have fun again?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: That's easy, start taking FRS -- fun replacement supplement -- they make any activity instantly awesome. It doesn't matter if you're watching "The Bachelor," eating tons of red meat or driving a giant ass car, you won't feel guilty anymore because FRS works directly on the brain to produce euphoria, supreme confidence and increased energy.

SHILLUE: It sounds awesome. Is there a secret ingredient?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Heck yes. The secret ingredient in fun replacement supplement is crack.

SHILLUE: What?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: In fact, there are no other ingredients. Fun replacement supplement is just crack cocaine all by itself.

SHILLUE: I don't know.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I just took some fun replacements right now. Hey man, what are you doing later? You work out? You want to come over, we take some more together or we could do whatever you want? I am down.

SHILLUE: I've got to go.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hey, wait, man, hold up. Can I borrow $10.00? Come on, man, you know I'm good for it. I'll pay you back. I swear. Whatever, I never liked you anyway.

So get, FRS today. Warning, fun replacement supplements are crack, so you should probably steer clear unless, you want to ruin your life.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: We are not advocating drug use. That's actually the opposite, Tom, but what we are saying here, the message here so I don't get lectured on Monday by the powers that be. What you have left when everything fun becomes problematic? All you're going to do is sit in a room and do drugs.

SHILLUE: That's right. This is the ultimate, this is the ultimate just say no, Greg.

GUTFELD: Yes, it is. It is, or just say yes.

SHILLUE: Yes, and plus -- I'm not a crack man, I'm a powder guy.

GUTFELD: Oh really?

SHILLUE: No, I'm antidrug as you know, Greg, and never loved the crack.

GUTFELD: Good, good, good. I'm glad we covered that. Tyrus, what you make of these boycotts? I always feel like these are fake boycotts like people don't really use the product. It's like, "I'm never using your waterproof surgical gloves again," says the guy sitting on his couch, who does not have a job.

MURDOCH: You know, I used to get mad when I would hear old people when I was a kid, they go, "In my day, we had real stuff," now I'm that guy. In my day -- wait, we didn't really protest much in the '80s and '90s and we were cool. My grandparents, they had real protest over real issues. We protest everything, which means we protest nothing. So every time I hear there's a protest, I change the channel, so I am assuming it's over, word has it, pop tart changed their flavor, #hellno.

Like, there was a big uproar over Lucky Charms and Frosted Flakes got together and had a bastard child that everyone was like, "It's too much sugar." It's just a box of cereals, but it's changed and no one likes change. The fact that these protests now and I guess, you need like, seven or eight people for an actual protest.

GUTFELD: I think so.

MURDOCH: And then one person who has Wi-Fi to gets on Twitter so that's pretty much what a protest is today, but it doesn't really matter, I'll probably get protested for saying this, but luckily, I have got that GoFundMe thing started, so I'm good but...

GUTFELD: HOllie? Could these boycotts end up backfiring like people would just start drinking Sam Adams just to get back at the mayor?

MCKAY: Absolutely. Beer -- I'm Australian, also American, beer is personal, right. We all have our beer. We grow up with a particular beer because some mayor says don't drink beer, you really -- not going to drink that beer, Greg?

GUTFELD: No.

MCKAY: Are you going to change your beer because the mayor says?

GUTFELD: No. Never, never.

MCKAY: No way.

GUTFELD: So, just ignore him and keep drinking. That's what I say about a lot of things.

MURDOCH: And let's be real. The people protesting probably aren't drinking beer anyway. I'm sure they are more wine people or whatever, I am actually -- my new beer is going to be Sam Adams. I'm about to order me a keg when I get to the house.

GUTFELD: Don't you mean -- you'll get four glasses out of it?

MURDOCH: Ha-ha, because he's big.

GUTFELD: Kat, I hate boycotts especially it's the one where they go, "I used to be a fan until you said X, now I'm not." It's like it took one thing for somebody not to like you anymore. That happens to you, a lot, I noticed.

TIMPF: It does. It probably has already happened during the show.

GUTFELD: Yes. I used to be a fan.

TIMPF: But I don't understand boycotts in general because as someone who's a libertarian and who doesn't have views that line up with either major party, if I only consumed things that were created by people who agreed with me, I would die. I would -- I would starve to death. I probably would not be able to use soap in the showers and I like using soap in the shower, Greg, it's the best part.

GUTFELD: Yes, it really is.

TIMPF: Without soap you are standing there getting wet for no reason.

GUTFELD: That is true.

SHILLUE: But we don't do it. Conservatives don't boycott anything. Liberals get upset over -- all he did was say, was thank the president.

GUTFELD: Yes.

SHILLUE: But I mean, I'm a conservative. I eat "Ben and Jerry's" and it's called like Commie Crunch and I eat it.

GUTFELD: On that note, I think we've all made some very excellent points here. But coming up, oh, you're going to love this, another airline cracks down on emotional support animals, but I have got the solution that will change everything. That is next.

They are making rodents their opponents. This week Southwest Airlines became the latest carrier to crack down on emotional support animals on flight. Dogs, cats, and miniature horses are still allowed but pigs, ferrets, spiders, reptiles, rabbits and hedge hogs have all been nixed.

Airline's suspect that since certifying support animals is easy to do online, people do it now to avoid in-cabin pet fees. Earlier this year, a woman tried to bring a support peacock on a United flight and US Airways once booted a support pig and its owner after it defecated in the cabin. The pig, not the owner. You don't want to be that guy, trust me.

Bottom line, too many people are gaming the system and it's not fair to people who legitimately need service animals. It's why I came up with a brand-new product that could solve all of this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It is a growing problem.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The airlines won't let me fly with my support pig anymore.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What you mean my support scorpion cannot board?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: How am I supposed to get to Detroit without my adorable support hedgehog?

GROUP: What are we going to do?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Have you met Brad? He is the world's first human support animal. That's right, that handsome therapy vest means he's great at lifting people's spirits.

BRAD: Look, I know you're nervous flyer, but remember, nobody knows about that thing you did on spring break in 2005, so stop thinking about it and look, if the cops ever do find out, you'll have a whole another adventure waiting for you.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You know what? You are right.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: He's nurturing.

BRAD: Look, I know you get claustrophobic on planes, but you haven't made as many mistakes in life as you might think. Be sure to keep looking for them, you'll eventually find your real father.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Thanks, I feel better already.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: And he always put things in perspective.

BRAD: Hey, I get it, you're anxious because your flight was delayed, but a friend told me she thought you were cute like Tom Hanks in "You've Got Mail." In fact, you're like Tom Hanks' much less attractive younger nephew.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I'll take it.

BRAD: Go on that plane.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: But, the best part ...

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hello, how much for my carry-on?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What is it?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It's my human support animal, Brad.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh, they fly for free.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh great.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh, and ma'am, don't worry about your credit score, there's people you went to high school with who wish they had your credit score. In fact, your credit score is actually very average for someone your age.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: How the [bleep] did you know my credit score?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So, order Brad today. Unlike your support animal, he's allowed on every flight.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: If I had a dollar for every time I ordered Brad, Tyrus, the worst part is people do need support animals, but other people are gaming the system.

MURDOCH: Yes, the average flight is what? Two and half hours to an hour? Yet, you can't suck it up?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Sometimes, no.

MURDOCH: You can't just sit there and wish you were somewhere else like you really -- from every experience I've had, everyone else's support animal has become my support animal and they always sit next to you and, "Oh, he likes you." I don't like him. Otherwise, I would have my own support animal with me. I think it's gaming the system beyond.

When you see someone that really needs a service animal, chances are, you are going to recognize right away but I'm sorry, but the bougie, Kim Kardashian wannabe with her Morky in her hand like this and demanding her club soda, I don't really feel like you needed to have that other than he won't commit to marriage and won't give you children, so you brought a small dog and take him everywhere to rub it in his face. Not to that I've been through that, but I'm just saying.

GUTFELD: Wow, I didn't see where that was going. Hollie, do a theory on this at all?

MCKAY: I just want to know how I can get a miniature horse? I want to take a miniature horse, I think it be great.

GUTFELD: It would, until it craps. I've heard those are not miniature.

MCKAY: Right, yes. That might be a problem. But, I mean, can we just get to a point where we can talk to the person next to us and we like to put our earphones in.

MURDOCH: Yes, we do.

MCKAY: Less talking, just talk to the people next to us, although, I think you've got alternatives, it could be and I want to sit next to somebody with a fake crustacean.

GUTFELD: Oh, really?

MCKAY: Yes, we had this amazing chat for three hours about how that had become his support system for flying and every time she flew, she wore the crustacean and it was like a good luck charm.

GUTFELD: That's good. It's like a support fake animal.

MCKAY: Yes, it's a support fake animal. I think that that would be a lot more comfortable for most of us.

GUTFELD: Was it a lobster? Do you remember? Or just some kind of craw daddy ...

MCKAY: Yes, it was some kind of strange crustacean.

GUTFELD: Not a fan of craw daddy. Not enough meat. Hey, Kat, you seem like someone who could use a support animal wherever you go.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: I know that's not a question.

TIMPF: Yes, I mean, I'm actually outraged by this because I think it's lizardous.

GUTFELD: Oh, you do own -- do you still have a lizard?

TIMPF: I don't. I just think about lizards a lot, which is way more normal than owning a lizard. But I know for a fact that you can be emotionally helped by a lizard because just thinking about lizards makes me feel better and like being emotionally supported by lizards is not just possible, that is actually my plan for my 40s.

GUTFELD: Excellent.

TIMPF: Yes, I know everyone pegs me like a cat lady, but I'm throw in a curveball. I'm going to get a bunch of lizards, live in my house with all my lizards and be perfectly happy. I can't wait.

GUTFELD: You could have them in the shower ...

TIMPF: You could.

GUTFELD: Because they're great with water.

TIMPF: I believe those are amphibians, Greg.

GUTFELD: Last word, Tom.

SHILLUE: I think you're too soft on these people. I don't think anyone needs an emotional support animal, a service animal, yes, for a blind guy, a service animal, real thing. Emotional support is ridiculous, plus they're letting too many -- I can't get water on the plane, people get their pets on the plane? No way and they're not safe.

GUTFELD: I guess -- I didn't know the difference -- there is a difference between service animal.

SHILLUE: Service animal, emotional support ...

GUTFELD: But I mean, for like a veteran with PTSD, that's service ...

SHILLUE: Okay, yes, go with the vets, yes, but it's the regular pets. They've got to screen them, and you need a certificate. They don't screen anything. I had a dog once, he was not Al-Qaida, but he would sympathize with them.

GUTFELD: Oh, really? You have a terrible dog.

SHILLUE: He was intolerant.

GUTFELD: Yes, he was.

SHILLUE: He wanted women to wear the veil, he was ridiculous.

GUTFELD: I don't know anymore. I do know this segment is over and we've got another one coming. A study finds people cannot be rude to robots.
Not me, I tell my toaster he's pathetic every day to his face.

Can you be mean to a machine? A new study out of Germany finds that people can be guilt tripped by a robot. Researchers asked people to interact with a cute robot named Neo, which is seen here, he is cute. Then switch him off when told to. But then the robot started begging not to be turned off, saying it was scared of the dark and 30% of the people complied with the robot saying they felt sorry for him.

The take away, quote, "People treat electronic devices similar to how they would treat a fellow human being and thus, to mistreat a robot should be considered reprehensible." That wasn't my take on. I'm just terrified. In other words, I can no longer dress up my robot as Jesse Watters and flog him with my leather riding crop.

Now, if I could just get my cat to not fear my rumba. Kat, thanks for letting us use your apartment.

TIMPF: I have one cat.

GUTFELD: So far, but every year if you add another one -- all right, Kat, it's a scary vision into the future? Are you scared?

TIMPF: I'm not scared. At first, I kind thought that I would actually have no problem being rude to her robot, but then I thought about it, Greg. I was very nice to my Furby growing up.

GUTFELD: You were.

TIMPF: Very, like, at a time I loved it more than my own parents. The same with my Tamagochi. I remember when my Tamagochi went back to his own planet, it was in the middle of the night and I woke up my parents screaming and crying. So, I think they probably liked Furby better than me at that point, too.

GUTFELD: You had a lousy childhood.

TIMPF: No, it was great. It was great. Furbies make excellent companions for people who have brothers with allergies and can't have pets like a normal child.

GUTFELD: Blame the brother. All right, Tyrus, should we make our robots less human, so we're less likely to feel bad for them?

MURDOCH: It won't make a bit of difference to me. My XBox has been screaming for help for years. The computer cheeps all the time, so I'm not afraid to destroy -- there's been a few joysticks that went like that or I talk to them like they can talk back so, I can only imagine if that robot maybe upset, he would not have an arm. I would literally be saw -- stuff to him. Like, I would -- because you can get away with it. I don't believe that at all. it just depends on the personality, but that particular robot would probably have a size 17 tattoo in the middle of his chest every time I'm having a bad day.

Cup of water, Greg, I'm not playing with him. I don't trust him. You and I -- cup of water, that's how you get rid of the AI threat that's coming. Hey, it's coming. And so you can squeeze them if you want, but eventually, you're going to wake up and one of those little cute things that you forgot to turn off because you're scared of the dark, about to take your esophagus out. And you're thinking, when you tell him he's afraid, he's going to be like, oh, sorry, don't compute and don't rip him out. You get him now. Get him now, bro. They're going to fear me.

GUTFELD: I fear you and I'm not a robot.

MURDOCH: I can't stand robots.

GUTFELD: So, Tom, what are your thoughts? Are we going to have like robot rights?

SHILLUE: We may. We may. Does it just take a cup of water? Is that all it takes? Just one?

GUTFELD: According to Tyrus.

SHILLUE: You've got to make them tougher than a cup of water.

GUTFELD: We could've stopped the whole moon landing with a cup of water. Right on there, it would have stopped.

SHILLUE: I think this makes -- I'm surprised the numbers aren't higher; 30% of the people didn't turn off. If a robot tells me don't turn me off, I am not going to turn them off. I'd listen to the robot. I get very -- I have to turn on the GPS -- I turn it to the male voice because that female voice, you're alone in the car with her and she's like, "Take a left," and you're like, "Thank you."

Like, I'm kind of flirting with a lady on the GPS, so I was like, hey, I don't need the temptation.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. You're happily married man. That is cheating where you come from.

SHILLUE: I put it on the dude voice and I'm like, "Hey, bro, we're out having a good time on the highway."

GUTFELD: And then suddenly, you feel something and you get confused.

SHILLUE: I'm like, hey, rest area up ahead. I don't know.

GUTFELD: I don't know where that -- Hollie, do you worry about robots taking over the world? Like I do?

MCKAY: No, actually, this story gave me some hope for humanity because I've always sat there and wondered how people sit at home on Twitter or on the computers, they are keyboard warriors, and write mean stuff to people they don't even know. And so I thought, well, if they can be nice to robot, how can we make that translate to social media and we can have a civil discussion about things and we don't have to attack people that we don't even know.

GUTFELD: Well, you know, it just says that we are just awful because we are cruel to each other, but to machines, we love machines and the machines are going to take advantage of our love and take over especially if they are hot. If we start making robots really attractive, they're just going to be better than we are and that means, they don't have to eat, they never sleep. They are never distracted. They are going to take all of our jobs and I'm going to be happy because remember, I will be the robot overlord because I already ...

MURDOCH: Yes, you can't deal with it, but I get told enough to do in my life, I ain't having no robot tell me when or where not I can turn his ass off. I've got enough people telling me what to do. I don't need ...

GUTFELD: All right, don't go anywhere. Final thoughts, next. Tyrus?

MURDOCH: Yesterday, we said goodbye to one of my all-time favorite wrestlers, Jim "The Animal" Neidhart and his funeral services were yesterday, so my thoughts and prayers go out to him and his family.

GUTFELD: Thank you. Hollie?

MCKAY: So, I think very few of us know what it is to be shot by ISIS, I have a friend here, he shot last year and survived. So, hi.

GUTFELD: He in the audience? Wow. Glad you're here. I'm glad you are here. Kat.

TIMPF: I was never shot by ISIS, but one time I texted someone and they did not text me back.

GUTFELD: There you go. You're the real victim. All right, thanks to Tom Shillue, Hollie McKay, Kat Timpf and Tyrus. And my studio audience. I'm Greg Gutfeld and I love you, America.

END

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