Gutfeld: Impeachment is Democrats' 'shatter in case of emergency' glass

This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," November 9, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT: Suzuki. Where's is Kirk? Where is he? Come here. Come here. Say a couple of words. Come on. We love him. Oh.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Laughter)

GREG GUTFELD, HOST: We call that hug the Biden.

(Laughter)

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: All right, so how old is your son? How old is that young man there?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: How old is your son? How old is that young man there? How old are you? How old? Yes. Eight. Let me tell you, he is eight. He knows energy better than Joe Biden's son.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Laughter)

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: So true, but that's not saying much. Yes, well, Hunter Biden is in witness relocation watching reruns of "Teen Mom" in a stained bathrobe.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: The media continues to feverishly grope themselves over a phone call. I mean, I just told them, I've got to come over and see the fake news.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: I've got come over and see the fake news. Let's go. What do you have, John? What he did is quid pro quo times ten.

And let me just say, be quiet, be quiet. Quiet. Adam Schiff is a corrupt politician. That's not giving us due process, not giving us lawyers. And despite all of that, we're kicking their ass.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: We don't deserve him. So how did CNN cover the artificial impeachment they helped build? They counted words.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The President has said over and over, I counted 34 separate times through Sunday that the whistleblower was highly inaccurate.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Well, good for you, young man.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: How many did you count?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I counted 34 separate time to Sunday that the whistleblower was highly inaccurate.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: How many?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I counted be 34 separate times.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: So this is what that guy did with his week. Could have gone to a movie, gone on a date, had a drink, but no, let's count how many times Trump said inaccurate. He's got to be a hit at parties.

Excuse me, miss, I counted 12 freckles on the back of your neck. What are you doing later?

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: It tells me the Dems are worried especially when everyone now is sees all the moving parts coming to light. The big story, the two-year old tweets by the whistleblower's lawyer preaching impeachment and implicating CNN in the process, apparently the coup has started, the whistleblower's attorney said in 2017.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: The coup has started whistleblower's attorney said in 2017. A coup has started and the impeachment will follow from the lawyer. A sleaze ball. It said I predict @CNN will play a key role in @RealDonaldTrump not finishing out his first term. Can you believe this?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Yes, I can. And it sounds like news. How might CNN tackle it? Will they count words? Or check their spelling?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BRIAN STELTER, CNN CHIEF MEDIA CORRESPONDENT: We have seen countless absurd spellings from the Commander-in-Chief. He has called showbiz - shoebiz. There's hamberders. There's the smocking gun. It's actually not that funny. I know English teachers are horrified by the President's poor slang.

Let us do a comprehensive study of his spelling errors, more than 188 spelling errors on Twitter.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That's some hard hitting reporting, Captain -- Captain Pillsbury.

(Applause)

GUTFELD: I don't even know what that means. All right. All right. That's terrible. But who needs real news when typos are out there killing people? So forget your own network's role in a fake conspiracy or that recent Epstein revelation. Yes. How weird is it now that the networks demand protection for this special whistleblower because he's going to hurt Trump.

But when a whistleblower outs a network for bearing coverage of a molester, that concern disappears. It makes you wonder what CNN would cover in times of real news?

Yes, we'll get to the attack on Pearl Harbor in a minute, but what does FDR's handwriting tell you about his soul?

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Yes, we're about to put a man on the moon. But what do our nation's astrologers have to say about its effect on women's self-esteem?

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Where is Soledad O'Brien? CNN loves avoiding real things for an endless sea of what ifs. They are a network of what iffers. Isn't that right, Alisyn?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ALISYN CAMEROTA, CNN ANCHOR: Are you comfortable -- show of hands -- with asking a foreign entity for help with dirt on a political opponent? You're comfortable with it because that's how you think it works.

Is there anything that he could do or anything that could happen that would make you not vote for him?

If he shot someone on Fifth Avenue, would you vote for him?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: She liked asking that question a little too much. Because after all, that's CNN's mission statement, focus on bad things that might happen, not good things that are. So ma'am, if he shot someone on Fifth Avenue, would you vote for him?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

CAMEROTA: You'd have to know why he shot him?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Yes, why did he shoot him.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: That's a great answer. It would depend on why, wouldn't it? I mean, you hear the facts first before you condemn it. I mean, I guess CNN could report that Rob O'Neill broke into some guy's house and shot him in the face.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: But the meaning changes when you add that the face belonged to Bin Laden. Meanwhile, Adam Schiff announces public impeachment hearings and says Republicans will have to justify the relevance of their witnesses. Why? Because they're worried. The more they examine their own arguments, the more they realize they're weaker than my resistance to leather.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Right, Adam?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ANNOUNCER: And now Adam Schiff tries to take a selfie video.

ADAM SHILLUE, FOX NATION HOST: I don't see a red light.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: There is no red light. Don't let it so close to your face.

SHILLUE: That's better.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Still too close, Adam.

SHILLUE: Am I on Snap Face?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: That's not what it is called.

SHILLUE: Fortnite. Vaping. Leonardo DiCaprio. See, I get millennials.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You are embarrassing yourself.

SHILLUE: Impossible.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Cheering and Applause)

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Now. Remember when the media said how inappropriate was to use the word coup? Well, now that the whistleblower's lawyer confessed to it twice, can we say it now? I say yes. And it's just one big divisive stunt to avoid an election. The Dems would rather burn the house down than do their own dishes. Right, Adam?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ANNOUNCER: And now, Adam Schiff reenact his favorite scene from "Goodfellas."

SHILLUE: I mean, let me understand this, because, you know, maybe it's me. I'm a little [bleep] tough maybe. I'm funny how? I'm funny like I'm a clown? And use you. I make you laugh. I'm here to [bleep] amuse you? What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Applause)

GUTFELD: So next week, there will be grandstanding and not so grandstanding. But it will never be what the Dems want it to be. It will be Russian 2.0, all foreplay, no finish. And the public, they've been through this scam before.

You know the guy that always invites you over for dinner and always ends with him trying to sell you a timeshare?

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: That's the meeting the Democrats with impeachment. They've burned the public once with a dossier, then with Russia. Now, they're going for thirds. I don't think it's going to work, right Adam?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ANNOUNCER: And now, Adam Schiff tries to make a paper airplane.

SHILLUE: Stuck the landing. Like Sully on the Hudson.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Laughter)

ANNOUNCER: Period.

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guest. The master of comics and behavioral economics. His book "Loserthink." Amazing book. I've read it twice. It came out this week, creator of the "Dilbert" comic strip, Scott Adams.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Give him liberty or give him meth, host of the podcast, "Part of the Problem," comedian, Dave Smith.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: She is super brainy and always complain-y -- host of "Sincerely, Kat" on Fox Nation, Katherine Timpf.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: And his top half is still in Daylight Savings Time. My massive sidekick and host of "Nuff Said" on Fox Nation, Tyrus.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: All right, Scott, what do you make of this whole impeachment process so far? Where is it going?

SCOTT ADAMS, AUTHOR: I don't think it's going anywhere. They're using laundry list persuasion, where they got nine things, but if you ask them, what's the strong one?

GUTFELD: Yes.

ADAMS: Well, I'll get back to you on that.

GUTFELD: Yes.

ADAMS: Like nine times zero, that's what we've got.

GUTFELD: Yes.

ADAMS: Maybe if we get that 10th one.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NATION HOST: Laundry list persuasion. I can't wait to use that on someone. That's good.

GUTFELD: And you know what, because everybody has a long list when it comes to you.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes, it works though. It's true. Laundry list -- it's like if somebody has one big thing, like if somebody comes at you with a laundry list, you ask them what's the most important one and they have to solve that, and if they can't, then nothing matters.

ADAMS: You don't play whack-a-mole with nine things.

GUTFELD: Yes.

ADAMS: Because if you get to the ninth thing, I've discovered, do they say, well, good argument. I give up. I go to your point of view. No, they start with the first one again, like none of it happened.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

ADAMS: You're just going, what's the best one? If you knock that one down, will you think about the others?

GUTFELD: No. You crush them like a bug, Dave?

DAVE SMITH, COMEDIAN: Yes.

GUTFELD: What do you make of this?

SMITH: I don't know. I think I was just hypnotized by Scott Adams.

(Laughter)

SMITH: With his laundry list there. I just agree with this guy on everything. I think that a Donald Trump has a better -- there's a better chance he gets impeached than defeated in the election.

And so I think they're going to go with that because I could see the Republicans turning their backs on him, or so I don't think it's actually that crazy, even though there's really nothing there.

GUTFELD: Yes.

SMITH: I love -- look at the end of the day, Donald Trump is just still so entertaining.

GUTFELD: Yes.

SMITH: And I don't even think he is doing a great job.

GUTFELD: Yes.

SMITH: But he is a lot of fun.

(Laughter)

SMITH: I was sure I would be over it at this point. Like, you'd be like, okay, this will get old at some point. And then you see the rally the other day and you're like, we're not at that point yet.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: It's so true. Kat, have you found this Impeachment Inquiry riveting?

TIMPF: I thought the misspelling investigation was quite riveting.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I wonder how large the team was they had on that one. It's crazy. Because just like with the picture of the dog last week, these are the same people who say that Trump is dangerous or that he is a monster.

And again, just like I thought about that, same thing. If I thought someone was really a dangerous monster, I probably would be too busy talking about despicable evils they were committing to talk about their spelling.

Like, for example, Ted Bundy. Okay. Do any of you know how he was at spelling?

GUTFELD: No.

TIMPF: And I don't think that was an oversight by the prosecution.

(Laughter)

TIMPF: I think that was because --

(Applause)

TIMPF: He was in fact a monster and if their goal is to get Trump out of office, they really think -- even a single Trump voter says, you know what? I was behind him until I saw him spelled some stuff wrong on the internet. I will eat my foot.

GUTFELD: On live television.

TIMPF: On live television. You heard it here first, folks.

GUTFELD: Yes.

SMITH: All right. Can we just get one Trump supporter to say that that Kat has to do that for us? They shouldn't do that at home.

GUTFELD: Yes. We have to find that one person, then you have to do it though.

TIMPF: They have to do a lie detector test four times.

GUTFELD: Yes. All right, Tyrus, what are your thoughts on this? Or anything?

GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Actually, I was reminded of a previous point in my life where I was going through a tough time. I was dating a school teacher/counselor who was about feelings.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: And I remember distinctly when she was like, I counted 10 frowns last night, four eye rolls. You said the F-word 47 times.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: You wouldn't look at me and I called 13 times you didn't answer. And I remember going, because you're crazy and I'm out.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: Seeing that's where CNN and the mainstream media, they are the jilted girlfriend trying like I helped you get to the White House and this is how you repay me. Like they -- they just can't leave it alone.

GUTFELD: No, they can't. They can't.

MURDOCH: Because, I, myself, I mean, I am not afraid to tell you guys I have poor penmanship, but I'm with it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: And when grammar police come after me, I'm like, come see me, man. And I will misspell come see me.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: You know what I am saying? So I just feel that's where we're at and that's the reason why we're at those things.

GUTFELD: Yes. All right. Lots more.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Don't go anywhere.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: And now, “The Greg Gutfeld Show” presents, the 2020 CAN'T-idates.

GUTFELD: Another face hits the race. Michael Bloomberg is making moves to join the 2020 Dems. I wonder if there's anybody Trump would rather run against.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: There is nobody I'd rather run against that little Michael, that I can tell you.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: So, you've got Liz and Bernie in the top tier, ready to give billionaires' money away, and in comes an actual billionaire. They should jump him and steal his wallet and his pants. Now, is this news something or is it nothing?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: I know Michael, he became just nothing. He was really a nothing.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Nothing. With Bloomberg soaking up the headlines, other candidates are vying for attention, and what better way than to talk about Trump.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: A typical family of four earning $75,000.00 will receive income tax cut ...

SEN. KAMALA HARRIS, D-CALIF., PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: Income tax cut?

TRUMP: ... of more than $2,000.00.

HARRIS: He is selling out our system of justice, not to mention that he has sold out working people and sold out our values.

If it weren't so troubling, it would be really incredibly fascinating.

TRUMP: There was no collusion with Russia.

HARRIS: Literally, Donald Trump plays Alec Baldwin so well. It's just so amazing to watch. He is such a good actor.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That was actually a commercial. She is like the most uninspiring candidate since Carl Robin Geary who was elected mayor of Tracy City, Tennessee when he was dead.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: I mean, could you imagine her at Career Day? Oh my god. She grimaces more than a constipated wrestler.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Sorry, Tyrus.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: And now she wants to keep kids in school until 6:00 p.m. introducing a bill called the Family Friendly Schools Act to align kids' schedules with working parents. Now, would this bill make the school day better or just longer? Because right now reading scores stink. Only 35 percent of fourth graders are proficient which I believe means fat.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: You should have laughed. So is more school the answer? No. Bottom line, there's only one thing you should be doing after class. Right Professor Splash?

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]

GUTFELD: He went 16 years of school for that.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: All right, Dave, you have a choice. Bloomberg, Kamala? What is your pick to talk about?

SMITH: Oh, to talk about. I thought I had to choose to support one of them. That is going to be --

GUTFELD: I would never do that to you.

SMITH: Well, I think Kamala Harris is a very charismatic, just really charming that was -- that laugh, it was so authentic.

GUTFELD: Yes.

SMITH: See she is -- it's a shame she didn't study Psychology more than she wouldn't have had to be a cop for locking up people for smoking pot.

GUTFELD: Yes.

SMITH: I think if there was one, like policy, that is the reason for the vast majority of the problems that we have in this country, it is that the government controls the schools.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Yes.

SMITH: And the idea that we want to put kids in these government prisons for longer is like the worst thing I could -- I've ever heard a presidential candidate propose.

(Applause)

GUTFELD: Yes. Scott, this guy, Frank Fleming on Twitter made a good point that if you put somebody through 16 years of anything, they would -- they should come out as Batman. Right? But after 16 years, they can barely sell hot tubs. So technically, I mean, 16 years.

A kid at eight should come out and be a Navy SEAL who can play classical violin, but they're not. And I mean, we're not teaching them anything. We're not focusing on talents.

ADAMS: Yes, worse than that, their strategy is terrible because I think some of the Democrats are trying to give 16 year olds to vote.

GUTFELD: Yes.

ADAMS: And one of them is trying to jail limit for another few hours in prison. And I'm almost positive the 16-year-old thing is because they thought they would vote Democrat. So hey, I got an issue for you, more school.

(Laughter)

ADAMS: Those are Trump supporters right there.

GUTFELD: Exactly. Exactly. Tyrus, what -- how do you feel about Bloomberg entering? You happy? Excited?

MURDOCH: You know what? He is right.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: He is right on a lot of things. The Democratic -- they're bad. I mean, they're bad. They're really bad like -- the one who's doing the best, if you asked him, hey, are you doing the best? He would say, I don't know if I like tomato soup. Like --

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: You know what I am saying? Like that's your frontrunner.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: That's your frontrunner. That's the guy who is running away with all.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: And they're like, no, no back over here. Like it's -- so I think he is accurate for doing that. I think the reactions from the Democrat from like, from the leaders was pretty good. Oh, man, a billionaire. I hate billionaires. Like that's the Democratic Party, ladies and gentlemen.

Literally, I am just going to go on a limb here. I think Donald -- the President, Donald Trump would get impeached and then run again and win again. Like it's --

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: That's how bad they are.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Kat.

TIMPF: Yes, Greg.

GUTFELD: Do think they should be in school until 6:00 p.m.?

TIMPF: Okay, so the idea here is that some parents will, you know, it'd be better for their schedule, have the schools, they carry them longer. And there's no issue with -- some families have a need for that. My mom, she was a school social worker, and she ran one of those programs for kids after school. And I would go and help sometimes when I was grounded, and she made me.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: And that's great. But the problem that I have with Kamala's plan is she is saying that that should be the expectation that the government takes care of your kids all the time.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: I don't have kids. But if I ever did have one, like pop out or however that works.

MURDOCH: I'll explain it to you.

TIMPF: I don't -- I don't think I just feel like well, my work here is done. You know like, somebody -- who is going to take care of this? Somebody has got to take care of this. I'm out. Like, no, you've got -- you have the kid. Take care of it.

MURDOCH: I can say as a parent at a certain age, you're like, take them.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: I really don't want my kids in extracurricular activity at 10 o'clock at night.

TIMPF: There are some families that need help and there are those tough situations and they're struggling, but that's not even what she is saying. She is saying the expectation, the standards should be that the government is raising your kids for you. I'm going to want the government as far away from my kids as possible.

GUTFELD: Yes. And I do think there's a -- until we start looking at asking kids what they want to do, even if kids have ridiculous dreams, fulfill it. Like if he wants to be -- I want to be a Texas Ranger, then for 14 years, you can become a Texas Ranger. You could teach so much in 14 years. I learned nothing. Nothing.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Still mad.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: All right, more stuff to come.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

AISHAH HASNIE, CORRESPONDENT: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Aishah Hasnie. The White House wants to increase fees for U.S. citizenship applications. The proposal includes a charge for the first time ever for those seeking asylum. Citizenship fees would increase more than 60 percent from $750.00 to $1,170.00. It could reach 83 percent for some applicants.

Asylum seekers would also be charged for $50.00 for applications and $490.00 for work permits. Critics say it's a wealth tax on becoming a U.S. citizen.

Meantime, a gender reveal stunt being blamed for a plane crash in West Texas. A pilot was flying at a low altitude to dump 350 gallons of pink water. But after the water was dumped, the plane got too slow and stalled. No serious injuries were reported. The incident happened in September. I'm Aishah Hasnie. Back to Greg Gutfeld.

GUTFELD: As Bill seeks a hookup, Hill is doing standup. Continuing the longest book tour ever, Hillary and Chelsea Clinton walked onto James Corden's "Late, Late Show" during the monologue. I guess they can't afford security.

And they told some jokes of their own, if you could actually call them jokes.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

HILLARY CLINTON, FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: If anyone should be telling Trump jokes, it's me.

CHELSEA CLINTON, DAUGHTER OF HILLARY AND BILL CLINTON: Fifty percent of Trump's tweets have been attacked -- some people -- one hundred percent have been attacks on the English language.

H. CLINTON: It came out to a total of 6,000 tweets attacking people, even more surprising, only 3,000 of those were about my e-mails.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I will say I like the fact that she stole that tunic from Cornelius from "Planet of the Apes."

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Thank you. Thank you. Yes, and I mean the original "Planet of the Apes."

MURDOCH: Yes.

GUTFELD: But at least they didn't do that thing where they sing in the car. Oh, but look, every TV appearance Hillary makes serves as a great reminder. She is not in the White House.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: Which is odd considering how hilarious she was on the campaign trail. Here's proof.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

H. CLINTON: I still think about the 2016 election. I still regret the mistakes I made.

I support our democracy, and sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.

I will do my best as your President to try to keep reaching out to find common ground with anybody.

But I'm trying to figure out how we get them to have Pokemon Go to the polls.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That's what -- Kat, is this performance art? Like, she is trying to be unfunny.

TIMPF: Right. I was going to say, look, I'm not a fan of Hillary Clinton, never have been, never will be, but you've got be fair. She has accomplished a lot in her life. However, one thing she has never accomplished is ever having a single joke land.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Ever. It's almost impressive. It really is almost impressive, like most people, at least once in their life are capable of being funny on accident or something like that. I mean, I have had viruses with a better sense of humor than Hillary Clinton.

It's -- the Pokemon Go to the polls one -- that one -- like, sometimes I can't sleep at night thinking about the fact that that happened.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: So, yes, she should stop with the jokes and do what she is better at which, I don't know like drinking Chardonnay.

GUTFELD: Yes, there you go. You know, Tyrus, she reminds me of the old coworker who keeps showing up at work like there's an alumni association. You know, she is like this sadder version of David Wooderson from "Dazed and Confused."

MURDOCH: You're just --

GUTFELD: Remember the guy living in the parking lot?

MURDOCH: Yes, you're being just sweet here. You're being too nice. She is not funny. The only saving grace she has is that she is funnier than her daughter.

GUTFELD: Yes.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: And I -- listen, I don't like to throw disses. I don't like to pick on the Clintons. But you've got to know somebody in their family, an aunt, cousin, somebody needs to have a family meeting.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: I'm glad everyone's here. Everyone, please sit down. Listen. We're not going on TV anymore, ever. No more TV.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: We're done. Because every time I go on TV, America goes, eww, stop. It's done. Like it's not -- I know what this is for though. We know what this is for.

GUTFELD: It's a book.

MURDOCH: No, I'm funny. I'm hip. I could run again. That's right, you guys like me. They laughed. You heard them laugh. That drummer was phenomenal.

GUTFELD: Not in that tunic. Dave, you're a comedian, you like any of her jokes?

SMITH: Oh, man. I think Trump should lock her up in an insane asylum. I swear -- listen, I hate Hillary Clinton. Like I think she should -- she genuinely should be in prison. I actually felt bad for her in that clip. It's the first time I've ever felt bad for Hillary Clinton before -- and I tried --

Just imagine, like, you know, losing your job. That could be a really tough thing to be -- imagine if you thought you were going to be the most powerful human being on the planet, and then you found out your consolation prize is telling horrible jokes on "The Late, Late Show."

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Yes.

SMITH: That has got to be rough.

GUTFELD: Yes. It is. It is. And we're beating them in the ratings by the way, just so know. I just want to put it out there.

(Cheering and Applause)

GUTFELD: We don't have to pull these stunts, Scott. We have real people.

TIMPF: Not to brag.

GUTFELD: And Kat.

TIMPF: No. I almost was going to be like, that's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.

ADAMS: I love the fact that she is still stinging from the elections. She finds the only kind of skill that Trump is also better at. But way better.

GUTFELD: It's true.

ADAMS: What is she going to do? Like presidency didn't work out. The book was good. Now, Chelsea's book unless she has a cat, she doesn't have a plan after that to write a book.

TIMPF: She should get a cat.

GUTFELD: She should get a cat.

ADAMS: And then write a book about the cat.

GUTFELD: All right. Time for a break. Back in 240 seconds.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: And now a review of a wretched thing called "The View." They've been scoring some big names lately. This month, the son of the President, a guy named Don Jr. Last month, the daughter of a former President, a woman named Chelsea.

One episode bestowed smiles and sunshine and happiness on the guest. The other one was the one with Don Jr.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Please observe.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

WHOOPI GOLDBERG, ABC HOST: Please welcome activist and co-author of the book "Gutsy Women" and pretty good girl woman in her own right. Chelsea Clinton.

C. CLINTON: Thank you.

GOLDBERG: The son of the gentleman in the White House. DJT.

ABBY HUNTSMAN, ABC HOST: You did something that triggered a lot of people yesterday, including myself by releasing the name of the whistleblower. That's something that dictators do.

C. CLINTON: Thank you.

MEGHAN MCCAIN, ABC HOST: You have got some big fans back there. I see you, ma'am. They love you.

MCCAIN: You and your family have heard a lot of people and put a lot of people through a lot of pain.

GOLDBERG: Are you thinking about it or --

C. CLINTON: I am not considering running for Congresswoman of Louisiana.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: No, why not?

C. CLINTON: Oh, gosh, thank you.

JOY BEHAR, ABC HOST: Stop yelling. Stop yelling.

GOLDBERG: Everybody stop because it's just hard to hear.

BEHAR: Congratulations on the book. It's really a terrific book.

GOLDBERG: Children, children.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Oh my god. Yes, maybe it's me, but I think they're a teensy weensy biased.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: But hey, it's "The View," otherwise known as a knitting circle of hell. Personally, I'd rather watch my Aunt Doris dominate a game of cornhole.

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]

GUTFELD: Hell, yes, Doris. That's "The View," Tyrus. I like to look at - -

MURDOCH: "The View?"

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: "The View."

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: What view exactly is that?

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: Come on my show and we will boo you out the building before you even get started. I don't -- I guess, you know, good for Donald Jr. and Kimberly for going on the show, to have the courage to go on the show because I mean, the only thing they were missing was like pitchforks and some torches and stuff. I mean, that would --

I don't know what message they were trying to teach anyone. I think, there was a lot of hypocrisy in there. You know? Meghan McCain was talking about some stuff about what your family has done to people. Didn't your -- and I love John McCain, but didn't he kept the vote for the war in Iraq that killed a lot of people?

Like didn't your family do some stuff, too? It's just funny how -- it's just a really sad show. Like that's in the morning time? Like you go from cartoons to that?

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: It's on at 11, Dave. I mean, that's too early.

MURDOCH: That thing should be on at midnight. That's too early for all of that hate.

GUTFELD: Yes, it is.

MURDOCH: I mean, I just had my Cap'n Berry Cruch and you think --

GUTFELD: Tyrus, raises a good point, Dave that they're delivering a civility argument, "The View" is delivering a civility argument and there's a lot of people in that set that can't be doing that.

SMITH: I mean, it's -- I don't understand why anyone goes on the show. I don't understand why anyone watches the show. It's like, you get one sentence out. Then the crowd goes nuts over like the smallest thing, like we need civility. And then then they just all cluck over each other for like three straight minutes and it's like, what are you watching here?

And look, it's not even just that like that Meghan McCain is saying your family has caused all these problems. She then -- she actually invokes the Khan family who lost their kid in the war in Iraq that her father championed and she is like, but you were mean to him.

GUTFELD: I loved Don, Jr. throwing it back at Joy when she was giving him crap, but he said you wore blackface and they all freaked out. And I go like, but wait a minute, what if I just Google. They go, no she didn't. She didn't wear blackface and I Google Joy Behar in blackface and that comes up. It's like, didn't they know that everybody was going to Google it if she denied it?

ADAMS: Well, what did they think was going to happen when they invited Don Jr. on? Like, he will be nice. I think this will work out. But he is trying to sell a book, the second best book that came out this week, I believe.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true. "Loserthink." Not as good as "Loserthink."

ADAMS: And I believe their audience probably went right to the bookstore, just to burn them. It's like we will take 10 copies and a match.

GUTFELD: But that's still 20 bucks a buck.

ADAMS: Okay, it worked. That's why he is a Trump and --

GUTFELD: Yes, it's like even if they burned the book, they still have to buy it.

MURDOCH: Everybody's bottom line.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. Kat, did you watch "The View?" How did you feel about this?

TIMPF: Nothing makes me feel like "The View."

(Laughter)

TIMPF: No, honestly, look, and it's a little awkward for me because as many people know, Meghan is a good friend of mine. But when I saw that she was going to be on Kimberly and Don Jr., my first thought was, I bet there's going to be some yelling.

(Laughter)

TIMPF: Which I don't know how I predicted that, because there is never yelling on that show. But there was yelling and everyone got very upset and I just was thinking to myself, he is promoting a book called "Triggered." He could have asked for nothing more than what you just did.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: You just were like -- you proved the point in this book. I mean, it would have been possible to have like an actual dialogue with him. But if they would have done that with him and like been kinder and been more like why do you believe what you believe? He'd have been like, damn it?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: That made -- that was all he could have asked for it. It's like nobody realized that.

GUTFELD: Yes, the thing to that bugged me and then we'll get out of the segment, Joy Behar uses that -- with the comedian's defense, which is like they have protected free speech that every -- like they were going after Don Jr. for things he says, and then he was going after her, but I'm a comedian.

And like, comedians, somehow are allowed to say stuff and it is like, no, everybody has the same free speech.

MURDOCH: Have you seen what it's like to be a comedian lately?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Every time you crack a joke, you're hoping your phone don't buzz.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Office, you know, because you can't make a joke. Comedy is dead. Everyone is responsible for everything they say right now.

TIMPF: Yes, I would much rather have had the experience on "The View" that Don Jr. had then the Clintons had because just like when someone hates you, there's like so much passion there, you know.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: The other way is just too boring.

GUTFELD: All right, don't go anywhere. That next story is my favorite of the night.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: If you're always tardy, you'll live long and hardy. According to a new study from some school called Harvard, the key to happiness is to never be on time. Researchers found that people who are constantly late for things tend to live longer, happier lives. They are also calmer or have lower blood pressure and a lower risk of heart disease, which I guess makes sense because your lateness is stressing the rest of us punctual people out.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Meaning, seriously, you only live longer by comparison because conscientious people like me are dying sooner. So enjoy your calm, happy long lives, people who are always late and know that you've killed the rest of us.

I'm always early. Here's me driving to the airport six hours before my flight.

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]

GUTFELD: First one there. Scott, you know, your book "Loserthink" you cover a lot of habits of very successful people. I actually show up at airports before some of them are open.

ADAMS: I was wondering about this story because I was late to two interviews yesterday and it didn't make me happy. Now I realized, I think I'm doing it wrong.

GUTFELD: Yes.

ADAMS: What are they doing when they're not going there?

GUTFELD: Right.

ADAMS: I'm looking for my stuff.

GUTFELD: Yes.

ADAMS: Where's my belt? But they might be doing something enjoyable during that time.

GUTFELD: Yes. They're like -- it's a massive, strange, crazy orgy that involves food.

ADAMS: That was what I was going to say.

GUTFELD: Yes. I wish you had said it instead of me. Now, the audience is looking at me weird, Dave.

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: I met an orgy of food. Okay. Sitting around with a bunch of meat. Shut up, Dave.

SMITH: You're just making it worse and worse.

GUTFELD: I am making it worse. Cakes, pastries.

MURDOCH: Another question, Greg?

GUTFELD: Yes, Dave. Does this bother you? It just means -- it just means narcissistic careless people are happier. Right?

SMITH: Yes, but I guess that makes sense, because if you're not burdened by, you know, like the fact that you're, you know, putting everybody else out then you're probably going to have a pretty happy life.

I will say I was late here. I was running late. My car was late to pick me up, and I was I was pretty happy all the time.

GUTFELD: Yes.

SMITH: But I was really worried that I was going to be late to the show. And then as I was coming in, I saw you in filming "The Five" from outside and I was like, I think I'll be okay.

GUTFELD: Yes. You people don't know we film "The Five" on Saturdays. Damn it, Dave.

SMITH: Let me reveal other secrets.

MURDOCH: Great.

SMITH: So I saw Greg in a dress.

MURDOCH: Pay no attention. Pay no attention.

GUTFELD: Kat, are you in early? You're early, aren't you?

TIMPF: Yes, I mean, everyone is late sometimes, you know, like traffic or like your cat throws up in your shoe or like your high school ex-boyfriend posts wedding photos just as you're leaving and you've got to be like, did he do better or not?

But in general, I'm actually very early. And that's, you know, the reason why the people who are late all the time, if you're late all the time, it's just that you don't care.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: That's why -- because you only have to worry about -- you're only worried about yourself. You're not worried about how you're making other people feel. And, you know, that must make you happier because other people can be difficult to deal with at times.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: And they have emotions just like you do.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: It's crazy.

GUTFELD: It is crazy.

TIMPF: But it's true. Plus, I have to like, worry about taking care of my cat.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true. That's true. You know, Tyrus, I care about everybody, some say too much. So I'm constantly --

MURDOCH: Some do say that.

GUTFELD: Yes, some do say. So I show up early, hours early before everything -- everything. And maybe, does that mean I'm going to die young?

MURDOCH: I don't know. I can speak -- usually I don't speak for all black people, but I know we hate being late so much. We invented our own time so we wouldn't be late.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: We literally will be like, we will be there at seven o'clock. We get there at 7:15, oh, that's black time.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: That's how much we hate being late.

(Laughter)

MURDOCH: I think studies like this are done by people who are bored with their jobs and just want to get back at management to make excuses for their own tardiness.

GUTFELD: That's good.

MURDOCH: Every time in my life I've ever been late for something that meant something, I lost it. Whether it was a job, so I guess that free time you have because your ass ain't got a job no more.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Because I don't care how many jokes I crack, if I showed up here 30 minutes after the show. Hey, what's going on guys? I just got here. What's the question? Where we at, Greg? How many weeks you think that's going to go down before there'll be another dude in this chair besides me?

(Laughter)

GUTFELD: Don't go anywhere. We'll be right back.

(Cheering and Applause)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: We are out of time. Special thanks to the Great Scott Adams, the Great Dave Smith. Kat Timpf, Tyrus, studio audience. I am Greg Gutfeld, I love you, America.

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