Gutfeld: Coronavirus and the war of perspectives

close

Video

Gutfeld: Coronavirus and the war of perspectives

You can't vanquish a virus, you can only prepare for it and avoid it until it leaves.

This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," March 14, 2020. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

JEANINE PIRRO, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Stay safe. Be smart, and wash your hands.

And I'll see you next Saturday night.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: So, take a look at our studio audience. Yes. Not a soul. Completely empty. Why is that? It's not because I had two burritos for lunch. It's because we don't want to risk the health of our awesome, awesome fans.

Now, other shows are doing similar things, "The Daily Show," "Samantha Bee," "Seth Meyers." They're also going without an audience. But hey, they're used to it. That's where an audience would laugh. But you can't hear it because they're not here in the studio.

But it feels good to laugh. Someone has to or the virus has won. So let's see what where we stand.

Some people are freaking out, going to Costco and buying cases of toilet paper. I don't get this reflex. When I panic, I don't think about how I'm going to wipe my ass.

An Australian family and their panicky haste placed an order online for 48 toilet paper rolls. But then they hit the wrong button and ended up with 48 boxes or over 2,000 rolls. That's enough to TP the Taj Mahal.

According to the dad, it'll take him 12 years to use up all that toilet paper.

Unless they're like our media, who are really full of crap.

I wonder is this Trump's Katrina, hostage crisis or Chernobyl?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: This may be Donald Trump's Katrina.

NICOLE WALLACE, MSNBC HOST: Yes. You are allowed to interpret this by rolling that. I mean, let's just lean into that.

BRIAN WILLIAMS, MSNBC HOST: An incumbent lost to a Republican challenger because of an exigency going on late in his term. The taking of American hostages.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: People said, this is China's Chernobyl; actually it's Donald Trump's Chernobyl.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Makes you wonder, are they engaging in wishful thinking due to an emotional investment and their hatred for Trump? Yes. I hope it's not contagious. But if it were, they'd blame the President.

Fact is, you can't trust people dripping in political bias. These are people after all, who chased impeachment as the coronavirus spread in China.

Watch Don Lemon flip out on John Kasich, who doesn't like Trump, but refuses to follow Don's script.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JOHN KASICH, CNN SENIOR POLITICAL COMMENTATOR: I watched the address tonight and I thought it was fine.

DON LEMON, CNN HOST: We need straight accurate information from this President ...

KASICH: You know what, Don --

LEMON:  ... and this administration, and we're not getting it. And I don't understand why you are tiptoeing around it. That's why you're here to talk about the President's address.

KASICH: Can I finish now? Let me talk.

LEMON: No, no, no, you can't, John. John, because we're here to talk about the President.

KASICH: Well, I can't talk.

LEMON: Wait, we are here. I don't want you to -- I don't want you to go on and deflect and talk about something else.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: So John didn't dance to Don's tune. And so Don acted like a bank robber who found out his getaway driver just took him straight to the police station.

Then there's this clown who says calling it a foreign virus is racist.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JIM ACOSTA, CNN CHIEF WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT: The President referred to the coronavirus as a, "foreign virus." Why the President would go as far as to describe it as a foreign virus. That is something we'll also be asking questions about, it's going to come across to a lot of Americans as smacking of xenophobia.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: So I guess, Zika, Ebola and Rocky Mountain fever a racist, too, all named after places of origin. Acosta's idiotic emotional bias should be called CNN virus named after its origin.

But I don't have time for this. And frankly, neither do you. You're either a plus or a minus, and those are all minuses. The pluses, we're now canceling events. Even a conference on the coronavirus was canceled because of the coronavirus. That's like canceling my fan club meeting because I'm too hot.

The NBA postponed their season, but it's not just basketball. It's baseball and hockey. Let's go to ESPN to see what they're showing.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Now let's go down here --

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Okay.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Your grandmother doesn't know where in the [bleep] are we.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: No, it was your damn big mouth. Amateur.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Chill out. Chill out.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Yes.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Bull [bleep].

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE:  ... excuse.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I don't know where in the hell we're going. We can go up there.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I prefer that programming more. Now, the Houston rodeo was also postponed and I was planning on going. So it turns out it won't be my first rodeo after all.

Yes, I admit that's a pretty terrible joke, but I couldn't cut it out. But we must cancel events. You've got to self-distance and avoid large groups.

Finally, the world has caught up with me, a misanthrope. My entire life is about self-distancing. I mean, I've been doing this show for five years, and I still have to write down the names of my co-hosts.

I'm postponing "The Gutfeld Monologues" because of the virus. We're moving into the fall, because again, it's about you the fans being safe.

They've postponed Coachella, which means somewhere in the United States, there are 75 mediocre bands unpacking their bongs.

And let's not forget the Wienermobile. They canceled their events, too. What will I do with my buns? Well, I do have a case of toilet paper.

Meanwhile, the stock market reacts to fear and gossip then the next day, it wakes up hangover and corrects itself. It's up and down and up and down. It's like you're dating a Lohan.

But it's a living organism reacting to its fears of the unknown. That's the real problem, we're human. Our fear exists because we're living in a cloud of unknowns. And fear fills that empty space where facts should be, and that can create panic, but panic information becomes control, then preparation and that's good.

So you have a war of perspectives. On one hand, you have people putting the death risk in context by comparing it to other killers like cancer and heart disease, but there are other people who flag this virus as fast spread, which must be slowed so hospitals can feel the incoming sick instead of rationing care.

These perspectives can both be right. But the second one is the one that really matters because it enables action. True in a few months, we may look back and think, wow, we really overdid it. We're such fools, but I'm okay with being that fool. And so should you.

Now, how important is the President in all of this? Well, he's got to be forceful in action, which he's been. He's also staying out of the way so the experts could do their jobs.

But because he can't vanquish a virus, he can only prepare for it and avoid it until it leaves and Trump struggles for words for that.

But to his credit, he's found the deeds, closing the border, bought us time for effective measures, and also mistakes. Without a head start and a robust economy, the testing mess could have been devastating.

Let's hope it won't end up that way. But it's wrong to compare this to a past flu because we don't know where this could end up. It's like comparing last year's Super Bowl to next year's. Crucial info is missing -- the future.

A better comparison, 9/11. Terror like a virus was already here and it mutates to survive. It's invisible. Its goal is to get past your defenses undetected, and it creates a fear because it's out of your control.

The good news, you can gain control by doing productive things. First, realize that we're all in this together, even washing your hands and self- distancing reduces risk for everyone.

Staying in, checking on your older relatives, exercising at home -- these acts are more important than you realize. You're reducing vectors of transmission. You save lives simply by staying in and that is fantastic.

Just watching this show at home reduces risk of disease. No, this doesn't work with other shows, especially Jesse's. The bright side, these behaviors may reduce overall fatality of other viruses, and yes, we could tell you some more good news just to make you feel good, but it's better to give you information to do some good.

Ignore minor differences for the larger similarity that we're all human and we're a little scared, but we can all reduce the strain by contributing what we can to the shared effort because this is a big war against the tiniest of things. It's invisible. You don't know if it's there or not.

But you know where you are and what you can do, and knowing that alone will make you a hero in a world where we could use a few more.

ANNOUNCER: Period.

GUTFELD: Clap. Clap. Clap. Audience claps. All right. Let's welcome tonight's guests. She is a lady with the drawl who is always ready to brawl, Fox Business Network anchor, Dagen McDowell.

He's so sharp he can't hold a balloon. TV writer and producer, Rob Long.

She zany, brainy and sometimes complain-y. Host of "Sincerely Kat" on Fox Nation, Kat Timpf.

And he could kill you with his eyebrow, in for Tyrus, former C.I.A. operative and most of the upcoming series, "Black Files: Declassified," oh my god on Science Channel, Mike Baker.

GUTFELD: You know the great thing about not having an audience. I don't feel bad when somebody gets more applause. You know what I mean? Like somebody will might you might like Dagen more than Mike and then Mike at the end just feels really bad.

MIKE BAKER, FORMER C.I.A. OPERATIVE: I do.

GUTFELD: Yes. Your ego is fragile even during times of great, great misery, he is more worried about how much applause he gets.

ROB LONG, TV WRITER AND PRODUCER: Yes, because he can't pander.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: He has say stuff about Hillary Clinton, right?

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: And then everything --

MIKE BAKER, FORMER C.I.A. OPERATIVE: If you want, you can pander to us.

GUTFELD: Yes, it's true. You know, whenever you land a joke that they don't like, all you have to do is say, but what about Hillary? You get so much applause.

KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NATION HOST: Constitution.

GUTFELD: Yes. So Dagen. You are the business mind here. I have so many questions. Two of them are, one, why do we keep showing the Dow ticker? Because I think that that is like -- it's like watching a slow rolling disaster. It's like turn it off. Get it off the screen for a few hours. I might be wrong --

And also we closed down the stock market for seven days after -- six or seven days -- until September 17. What's the reason not to do this here?

DAGEN MCDOWELL, FOX BUSINESS NETWORK ANCHOR: That was some structural problems actually down in Lower Manhattan after the terror attacks, but you can't shut the markets down because you're literally just hiding what is really going on in the market.

The more, you know, again, it's just like the virus -- the more you know, the better. Because if you shut it down, then you have ka-boom, the apocalypse after you reopen it if the news is bad.

GUTFELD: But what if -- you know, I look at the stock market as kind of a drunk guy at the blackjack table who's losing and I'm his best friend going, let's go into the buffet for a few hours. That's all I want. No? It's not that easy.

BAKER: Sound investment advice there.

[LAUGHTER]

GUTFELD: Just go to the buffet. This is Vegas. The buffet is -- I don't know. What the drink --

LONG: The buffets at this point is a toxic center of disease. Don't go to the buffet. Go home. Don't go to the buffet.

MCDOWELL: The sneeze guards are not protection.

LONG: Yes, that's right. It's not going to keep the sneezes out.

MCDOWELL: I do think though the market was so overvalued anyway outside of the virus that this downdraft, you've got -- what? $10 trillion in debt on corporate balance sheets in the last decade.

So there were a lot of problems that were building anyway.

GUTFELD: Interesting.

MCDOWELL: And so this virus takes off and then you have the oil price war.

GUTFELD: Right.

MCDOWELL: So the washout that you're seeing is creating this sense of panic. Panic begets panic, fear begets fear and you have lunatics basically.

It could get worse for the economy because of what's going on in the markets. Just like I went into Whole Foods in the last week and you start - - you see the shelves are all cleared out.

And I'm grabbing like Brazil nuts, radishes and I've got my arms with Brazil nuts and radishes and I realized this is the crap leftover at the worst part of Christmas party.

GUTFELD: I think that's a great Food Channel show. You go into a -- you should call it not a whole lot of foods, you know?

The audience laughed. The audience laughed. Hey, Rob, are you panicked? Do you think it's wise to over prepare and be and be relieved?

LONG: No. Look, two-thirds of what they're telling us to do frankly we should have been doing anyway.

GUTFELD: Exactly. Like Japan does.

LONG: If you live in a hurricane area, you live in a tornado area, you live in a snow emergency or you live in the West Coast, we have earthquakes, you should have 72 hours of water. 72 hours of canned food. You should be prepared.

GUTFELD: Two years of toilet paper.

LONG: I'm not saying that I am all time. It depends if you go to Arby's a lot -- I am not saying you should, but look, we all have to -- you were right. In your monologue, you're right. We all have to sacrifice a little bit.

You clearly -- judging by your outfit -- have sacrificed your performance in Mummenschanz.

[LAUGHTER]

LONG: So we all have to -- but preparedness, look, I've said this before. The benefit of this experience now is that we're being -- we're retraining ourselves to prepare for the next one.

GUTFELD: Right.

LONG: They are going to keep coming. This is the way the world works.

GUTFELD: True.

BAKER: Wait, you're saying, Rob, you're saying we're going to learn from a past --

LONG: Yes, well, I am hoping. Go with the fantasy here.

BAKER: As humans, we're going to take this on.

LONG: Go with the fantasy.

BAKER: And then be better next time.

LONG: Wouldn't it be great if we did and we -- and everybody is sort of prepared for this. Look, profits will go down. Corporate profits will be down in the second quarter. We know that.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: We're going to stop business activity for two weeks, almost three weeks.

GUTFELD: Or more maybe.

LONG: We'll take a hit. That's something we all have to pay for and in the big scheme of things, it's not really that much.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: The economy is great. The country is in great shape. The world is in good shape.

GUTFELD: I like this.

LONG: We've just got to stay home for two weeks.

GUTFELD: I like that you said that. I know, Kat, you had to shut down your singing telegram service.

KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NATION HOST: I know. And it was really picking up steam, a lot of birthday.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: And we have set -- I just -- the thing is preparedness is one thing, but like there's nothing on the shelves in so many places and the hand sanitizer hoarding and the soap hoarding. It doesn't make sense because -- and everyone always says, oh, you're so selfish to not wash your like to hoard all this stuff and you're selfish, not thinking of others.

But like that's true, but you're also not thinking of yourself because it also benefits you if the other people in your community are washing their hands.

GUTFELD: Yes, and if they don't have toilet paper and they're not washing their hands.

TIMPF: There you go.

GUTFELD: Me in college.

TIMPF: Like squeezing the lemon juice on their hands after they go to the bathroom because there's no soap left. Meanwhile, while you're pouring it all over your slip and slide in your backyard or whatever you're doing with that much sanitizer.

LONG: Look, if you're really nervous --

BAKER: You have a spa in the basement to be clear.

LONG: If you're really, really nervous about it, you want some Purell, I'll sell you some for $16,000.00.

TIMPF: There you go. It's the worse because --

GUTFELD: So, kid.

BAKER: I know where you guys -- I mean, you know, I know you live out here.

TIMPF: I sure do.

BAKER: May I just mention -- may I just mention a couple of things. I don't want to jinx the Great State of Idaho, but no reported cases yet, but I think there's something more to it and the fact that you go, nobody is panicking -- at least in Idaho.

TIMPF: Yes, because you've got all of those potatoes.

BAKER: We've got potatoes and we've got a lot of the trout.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BAKER: We have trout.

GUTFELD: I hate trout.

BAKER: You've got all of these preparedness out there, too. We've got preppers out there.

LONG: Of course. Absolutely.

GUTFELD: You're a prepper. How many guns are under your bed, Mike?

BAKER: No, it's a walk-in safe. You don't point a gun under your bed.

TIMPF: A gun room.

BAKER: Not when you have kids around.

GUTFELD: Yes, it's true.

BAKER: Although, although, you know, Scooter has done his hunting certificate, so he's good to go.

GUTFELD: Congrats.

BAKER: But anyway, the point being is, the shelves are full. We're not seeing the same sort of thing that you may be seeing in other urban areas.

And part of that is because of the number of cases that may be happening. But I think there's a big, big difference between being realistic, pragmatic and prepared and panic.

MCDOWELL: But that's my point, is you give into the panic. A rational person, if you're surrounded by lunatics becomes a lunatic.

For example, like my radishes and my Brazil nuts. I couldn't find toilet paper and I was having an anxiety attack and I called a friend of mine, and I said, I don't have toilet paper, and they, went wash your butt.

GUTFELD: Yes, there you go. By the way, we have to move on, but there are alternatives to toilet paper. You have Kleenex. You have "The New York Times."

LONG: Corncobs.

GUTFELD: You saw that one coming, right?

BAKER: The old days. The frontier days.

GUTFELD: They bash the media. Corncobs?

BAKER: In the old days, in the old frontier days. Yes. You have got to be really careful with the corncobs. I'm just saying. I'm just saying.

LONG: Hold them right.

BAKER: That's what I read.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. Wasn't your rank, Colonel?

TIMPF: What are you reading?

GUTFELD: All right, don't go anywhere. We'll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: And now, THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW presents, the 2020 CAN'T-idates.

GUTFELD: Biden takes Michigan and Bernie gets squished again. This week's primary saw Joe Biden extend his delegate lead over Bernie Sanders, who promised to fight on despite the poor showing.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

SEN. BERNIE SANDERS (I-VT), PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: We are winning the generational debate, while Joe Biden continues to do very well with older Americans, especially those people over 65.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Well, it turns out one generation is coming out to vote more, while another generation says they are, but then get drunk and sleeps in the next day. That was me for like 30 years.

So as of the time we're taping this, these two are going to debate Sunday without a studio audience. Mano-y-mano. I don't know what that means.

Just like Abe Lincoln and Steve Douglas, which Joe and Bernie were both there for. Is it mano-y-mano? Who cares?

For his part, Biden picked up wins in Missouri, Mississippi, Idaho, and as we said before, Michigan, but it wasn't all smooth sailing for Biden this week. Like when cursed at an auto plant worker while arguing about gun rights.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You are actively trying to diminish our Second Amendment rights and take away our guns.

BIDEN: You're full of [bleep].

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: All right, thank you, guys.

BIDEN: Hold on. Shush. Shush. I support the Second Amendment.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. They are going to take your AR -- your AR-14s.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: This is not okay, all right?

BIDEN: Don't tell me that, pal, I'm going to go outside with you in a minute.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You're working for me, man.

BIDEN: I'm not working for you. Give me a break, man. Don't be such a horse's [bleep].

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Gramps is getting angry. Now look, we know Joe's a gaffe machine, but the party may be picking him for a different reason for the VP, who will be the P.

The other day I heard an amazing theory from a stone cold genius.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: This election is like buying a house, not for the structure, but for the land. Because if Joe wins, you're going to tear down the house, but you still get the lot.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That's really good and his hair looks great. Oh my god. You know? Mike --

BAKER: Let's just play that clip over and over.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. So, Mike, what are your thoughts going into this debate if it happens?

TIMPF: Just do it on FaceTime.

BAKER: Yes.

TIMPF: No mods. Just let them scream at each other until one of them passes out.

GUTFELD: Yes, do it a diner while they're in line at the buffet, screaming at each other.

LONG: Again, no buffet.

BAKER: Fighting over the last radish.

GUTFELD: No, they are around one of those big pots of turkey soup because nobody eats turkey soup except them and they're fighting over the ladle.

BAKER: Yes, I think frankly, we're in uncharted territory, obviously with the way this election is going to play out over the next two or three months, right?

Trump's not going to get as big rallies. We're not going to have Town Halls. They are doing this debate without an audience. It'll be interesting to see how that works.

But, you know, ultimately, Bernie's not going anywhere. He's not getting out of this thing, right? This is his last chance, right?

He is riding this pony until it's dead, and he is going to get something out of the Convention on the platform.

What I find interesting is sort of the similarities, the things they're doing, like yesterday or today as well. They came out looking presidential or trying to look presidential about the virus.

GUTFELD: Right. Yes.

BAKER: And they've got the same talking points as Pelosi and Schumer in that, you notice they keep talking about, well, it needs to be science- based.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BAKER: Like Trump is actually in a lab somewhere trying to create the virus on his own.

GUTFELD: Yes. He is a virus.

BAKER: Yes, exactly. Well, in their minds, that's true.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BAKER: So it's interesting to see what they're trying to do to take advantage of this situation. It's natural. It's going to happen. I'm not belittling it in the sense that that's what they're going to do. But it's interesting.

GUTFELD: I mean, Biden is without question, and [bleep] I'll tell you why, Kat. Oh, did I shock you with my strong language?

TIMPF: I'm scandalized.

LONG: There are no children in the audience.

GUTFELD: When he criticized -- when he said that he would not close the borders, and Fauci is saying that is so much important because -- and he goes -- and I think he said that won't stop the disease or stop it. It's about slowing the spread, you demented man, Kat.

TIMPF: Yes, that video you didn't play the part that drove me the most crazy is when he was like you better stop it, pal, or I'm going to follow you outside.

Why does he keep threatening to beat people up? I have never in my life threatened to beat someone up and it's not because I have good impulse control, I have never done anything in moderation, because I don't have a death wish.

And like he's a 77-year-old man and he's not a spry 77, like he would go outside, he would do that. And then by the time he was out there, he forgets why he was there.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: He is like, I forgot binoculars. I can't birdwatch today, and then he gets punched in the face. You know, just stop threatening to beat people up.

BAKER: Or be smart about who you're threatening, right? Were they iron workers?

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: Yes, not a good idea.

GUTFELD: Don't not threaten an iron worker.

TIMPF: You're going to lose that fight, Joe.

[LAUGHTER]

MCDOWELL: He does it. He threatens people because it's his crutch because he knows everyone looks at him, particularly when you get a full body shot, and realize I probably wouldn't let him mow the lawn in the middle of June for fear he'd faint.

Or I certainly don't -- you know, if you're at your folks' house and you need to go the Wawa for some Mountain Dew and some sun chips, you're not going to let him drive. You're just going to ask for the keys.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: That's one of the reasons, he is trying to be a tough guy because he knows that he needs a long spa-cation.

GUTFELD: The funny thing is, we can't -- we're canceling events to protect the audience and stuff. They're canceling events to protect the candidates.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Because they are -- Joe and Bernie are a high risk. There's like 50 -- I'm not a scientist -- 50 percent chance. But anyway, go ahead.

TIMPF: According to my data.

LONG: Well, if they keep shaking hands and stuff, of course, they are in high risk group and look, I mean, we are now in the phase of this Primary season, where in every Primary season where people after they go through the weird obsession with a brokered convention.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: They realize that's not going to happen. Then there's all this like, what's the Veep pic is really important. It's not important. No one's thinking that it's not important. It's not part of anybody's calculation ever when they vote. It's just something we talk about while we're waiting for them.

TIMPF: I vote strictly on VPs.

LONG: I agree with you, it never has.

BAKER: I think it is important for Joe --

GUTFELD: Who is going to be President?

LONG: It doesn't matter.

GUTFELD: I mean, the nominee.

LONG: Don't go down this road where you think this is important. I mean, maybe if you need material, but it does --

GUTFELD: How dare you? He has just accused me.

BAKER: Hey, I'll take you outside.

TIMPF: Joe has been openly saying there is a good chance he will die in office.

GUTFELD: What is he saying?

LONG; It doesn't matter.

GUTFELD: How dare you? No, no, no. I have a firm belief that they're going to pick Kamala Harris and then he's out. If he wins, he's out, and she is President, but I'm going to wrap this up.

LONG: He might pick her because he thinks in some weird way, she's going to attract more votes. He probably won't because he doesn't need help with African-American voters.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true. But he needs a woman and who doesn't? Hey, look, it's got to be hard. I've got to roll. But it's got to be hard for Democrats to look at this field and think that they had four years to prepare and what are they left with? Two old white men.

Remember, these are the people -- the Democrats -- who demonize conservatives, Republicans, libertarians for being bigots, for not using the right pronouns, for adhering to the past and who do they choose? The two old guys from the Muppets, and then they can never call us names again, unless it's my safe word.

All right, lots more show to come. Stay right there.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

AISHAH HASNIE, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CORRESPONDENT: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Aishah Hasnie.

Federal authorities are now warning consumers out there about fake COVID-19 home testing kits. Customs agents catching a package at Los Angeles International Airport filled with vials labeled as COVID-19 test kits.

Testing for the coronavirus is only available in verified state and local public labs. U.S. Customs and Border Protection telling Americans that they should be on the lookout for bogus test kits.

Meantime, a base housing U.S. led coalition troops hit with rockets just north of Baghdad at Camp Taji. Pentagon spokesman, Jonathan Hoffman saying three U.S. service members were wounded in this, two are seriously hurt and in the military hospital at the base.

The Iraqi Security Forces investigating the attack with the U.S. and initial arrest has been made. I'm Aishah Hasnie, back to GUTFELD.

GUTFELD: They're getting off their rumps to vote for Trump. The Republicans have a Primary, too, but you don't really hear about it because let's face it, Trump's going to be the nominee again.

His primary opponent is former Governor Bill Weld, better known as, I'm sorry, who? As of Friday, Trump has over 1100 delegates. Bill Weld has got one. You need 1,276 to win the nomination.

But even though Trump's Primary victory is a foregone conclusion, he's driving a massive turnout compared to what Obama did during his reelection bid in 2012.

As POLITICO recently noted, not only did Trump do well in Iowa, the votes - - I can't read that -- the vote totals in New Hampshire were even starker.

The President received almost 130,000 votes more than doubling Obama and Bush's totals. Amazing. And in Michigan this week, Trump pulled down 639,000 votes, but Obama in 2012 just got 174 K.

I'm no math whiz, but that seems like a lot less, but let's be honest, what you're really wondering is if those ladies ever made it to the store?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: So do I go right?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: No.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Yes, up here.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: You go up the hill, Sheila Layan.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: And then left up here.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: And then you turn to your right.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: That's left.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: And you'll be on your way to ashes.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Did you hear I said left, Sheila. If you were on the left side, you come to a dead end.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Okay.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I could spend. I could be quarantined with them for weeks and never be bored. So Rob, I know you're going to pour a whole bunch of wet soup all over this great topic that Trump is killing it, doing better than Obama, doing better than Bush, doing better than that other guy.

LONG: Yes. The other guy.

GUTFELD: Frank.

LONG: I feel like I am older than those ladies ... 

GUTFELD: Frank Steven.

LONG:  ... in the car right now.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: It doesn't matter. Look, Trump has got a very, very strong, very passionate, very loyal base.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: That is not enough to win the presidency. It's not an indication he's going to win the presidency. I think he's got this up hill. I think he probably will.

GUTFELD: He will get the Bernie Bros.

LONG: If I was going to vote, I would probably vote for it, but I don't think he's going to -- I don't think he's going to -- This is not an indication.

I mean, it just isn't. It's something that people like to say to themselves because I know people like to reassure themselves, everything is going great.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: Usually, when it's not going great, but it'd be I would be much happier if I felt that the Trump campaign brain trust, whatever it is, is not taking this story seriously. They've got to be working to earn the people who haven't decided to vote for Trump yet.

GUTFELD: That's the second segment that you have criticized.

LONG: I know. I know you're not allowed to.

GUTFELD: Yes. You know, if the audience was here today, they would set you on fire.

LONG: I know and if the audience was here, I'd be saying things like, oh, by the way, Hillary Clinton, man, she's crazy, right? And they would be cheering at me. They forget what I said. But it's true.

GUTFELD: You are fast becoming my least favorite guest. It used to be Mike Baker.

BAKER: Yes.

LONG: Congratulations.

BAKER: You don't want that to be the case.

LONG: I don't know. You got the nice chair.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BAKER: Well --

GUTFELD: By the way, Tyrus couldn't be here because he couldn't fly, you know and stuff like that, so he's fine.

BAKER: I flew to get here.

GUTFELD: Yes, but you flew from Idaho, which isn't even a real plane.

TIMPF: Again, potatoes.

BAKER: I took the underground bullet train from Boise to here.

LONG: I took the subway.

GUTFELD: So did I.

BAKER: Yes, there you go.

LONG: The D-train. I took the --

GUTFELD: I always thought that was a euphemism.

LONG: I don't understand how the --

BAKER: If I could just interject here for a second.

GUTFELD: Please do.

BAKER: What am I doing with this? Why am I here?

GUTFELD: You know what, you are like the old ladies.

BAKER: I am turning into Bernie. Look, I don't understand why Bernie supporters -- because I saw you nodding your head when you said Bernie supporters will vote for Trump. You were nodding your head.

I don't understand how they --

TIMPF: Last time, 13 percent of them did.

BAKER: But what's the psychology of that?

TIMPF: Stats.

GUTFELD: It's saying you're screwing over Bernie. We're screwing over the Democratic Party, which is a legitimate response.

MCDOWELL: Women understand this because you get dumped by a guy and ignored and you will go out of your way and have sex with like the grossest person.

BAKER: That's how I was --

MCDOWELL: And I didn't mean it quite like that, but it's a grudge -- 

BAKER: You see men just like that.

MCDOWELL: Another four letter word grudge four letter word.

GUTFELD: I know, if it wasn't for that, I would never have gotten anywhere.

LONG: I mean, just, you know, they agree with him on trade. They agree with him on immigration. I mean, Bernie's trade and immigration policies aren't that different from Trump's. Trump is just a little bit more blunt about it.

TIMPF: Plus, they're high.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true.

LONG: But here's the real truth about the Bernie Bros. The Bernie Bros aren't turning out to vote for Bernie. So they're probably not going to turn out to vote for anybody in November.

GUTFELD: Well, it's a fair point but, okay, let's go back to the original thing, Kat, and to refute everything that Rob Long who really is just a TV writer, he doesn't really know much about politics.

[LAUGHTER]

TIMPF: Yes, unlike me, I've got my thing --

GUTFELD: You're a libertarian. This base came out even though they didn't have to.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: That's what I'm talking about. They didn't have to come out. And so it's -- it wasn't even like a close race. They're going against what's his name from Boston. I don't even know who he is. He's a welder.

TIMPF: He's got one delegate, but I mean, I'd be happy if I had a delegate. You know, I don't have any delegates.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BAKER: Where the hell did his delegate come from?

TIMPF: I don't know, because he's not important.

GUTFELD: It's him. He is his own delegate. He is his own delegate.

TIMPF: But I love Trump -- it was funny watching Trump's Twitter when he was winning these primaries, which he obviously was going to win. He congratulated himself on all of them. He had graphics made. Thank you, Missouri. Thank you, Michigan. Trump wins.

And I mean, I would do that, too.

GUTFELD: Of course you would. You'd do that right now and you're not even running.

TIMPF: I do that now, and I'm not winning at anything.

MCDOWELL: I would have like feather fans and a big head dress, a mind trickery and show.

LONG: I think he had that in one of them.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BAKER: But do you think they turned out in part because of the threat of Bernie Sanders surging? And so this idea of a socialist possibly getting close to the White House.

GUTFELD: I don't know.

BAKER: And so if Biden is now the candidate that you don't get that same passion?

GUTFELD: I don't know. The other thing too is -- and we have to move on -- we have to factor in, will the virus depress the turnout? Not suppress, but depress because people may not want to be around people. They should be doing -- what do you call --

TIMPF: Vote via Instagram poll.

GUTFELD: Exactly. I do the mails. I do the mail ballot.

MCDOWELL: I thought you were doing scratch tickets.

LONG: Yes, what is that?

GUTFELD: I do the mail ballot. It's done every Sunday night at that bar.

BAKER: I'm just sitting there and oh, I'm doing this. A little bit of this.

LONG: A guy in the U-chart should be with a better mind.

BAKER: In case we're doing ballots.

GUTFELD: You know it's true, everybody. Time to take a break. Back in 240 seconds.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: The Bachelor's mom is crapping and Sarah Palin's rapping. It's time for GREG GUTFELD's bag of fun things.

All right. First up, the Bachelor, Peter Weber on this week's finale. Peter's mom, Barb, couldn't contain her disappointment watching our son choose to get back with his ex, Madison.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Obviously, family is important. It's massively important. So, Barb, how do we turn the page and give this a shot together?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Chris, he's going to have to fail to succeed. That's it.

Chris, all his friends -- all his friends, all his family. Everyone that knows him knows that it's not. You know, it's not going to work. So we've been trying to help him. Would we want it to work? Yes.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That is such a Barb move. But then this week, Peter said he and Madison broke up. Holy crap. He listened. Nice work, Barb.

Over on big Fox, Sarah Palin was revealed as the latest masked singer. The self-proclaimed a mama Grizzly even wear a bear costume. How fitting and her song of choice, Amazing Grace. Nah, it was Sir Mix-A-Lot's Baby Got Back.

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]

GUTFELD: So many thoughts. They're really ahead of the curve on the whole wearing a mask thing. And who's next?

I can't wait to see Mike Pence sing "Fight the Power." I'm also developing my own show called Helicopter Hamster. Here's a clip from the pilot.

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]

GUTFELD: It's like a modern day "Airwolf." So Kat, I firmly believe that the scariest thing on the planet is somebody else's mom. Because when I grew up, anytime somebody else's mom yelled at you it was foreign and you didn't know how to react because they aren't -- other moms aren't supposed to get mad at you.

And then back in my days, other mothers and fathers they could spank you in public.

TIMPF: Yes, I was more scared of my own mom. But that was her. That was just her. She was -- she meant business.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. Yes.

TIMPF: But you know, yes, I also think that we're giving the mom too much credit like, Oh, she saw this coming. It didn't work out.

There's -- it's not because there's something wrong with Madison, like there absolutely is.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: That's not telling the full story.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: You're not on this show if there's nothing wrong with you.

GUTFELD: True.

TIMPF: Every single one of these people, like if you want to cry in front of like a -- like just get on the train?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Cry in front of people there. It can be quite therapeutic and it's free-ish. But going on the show and you want to compete with all these other people and everyone's like super hot over like some dude who sucks.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I just like -- the dude always sucks.

GUTFELD: They always suck. I mean, like I had three older sisters. I can judge -- I saw every kind of boyfriend come through. These guys are pretty boys. Totally vacuous, Rob. They make me sick to my stomach. Would you like to comment on that? Or Sarah Palin?

LONG: You have body issues, obviously, but I would just say that, like, the mom is saying is that she doesn't think that this instant relationship that was televised.

TIMPF: No, she was going after Madison specifically.

LONG: Well, okay, whatever. It is going to work.

TIMPF: Get with it.

LONG: But you are right about the old lady -- old ladies in general. I mean, if you ever have a kid you'd say like, quit it, I'll tell the lady.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: Because there's always a lady you could tell. So I'm not, you know - -

BAKER: If I could just be -- speaking about something before I forget, Rob just reminded me of something. I was sitting here thinking, back in the day. Moms and dads were not supposed to spank other people's kids. So I don't know what the hell's going on in your neighborhood. But that's just not right.

GUTFELD: My neighbor was called spank city.

BAKER: On Palin, I like to veer from the Bachelor to Palin because I didn't actually know that the Bachelor was still on.

There is nobody I don't think who believes that this was the first time Palin ever sang "Baby Got Back" wearing a furry getup. And so that's all I've got to say.

LONG: Greg?

GUTFELD: You are right.

LONG: Could you just show us on the doll where the neighbor adult touched you?

GUTFELD: I'm not going to answer that question, Dagen. What would you like to talk about Palin or the mom?

MCDOWELL: Well, the Palin thing is my two worst nightmares combined, singing in public and a fur sarcophagus. Because I watched it and just to think what it smells like on the inside.

GUTFELD: It probably smelled great because it's Sarah Palin.

TIMPF: I had to be in a bee costume for this show a couple years ago, I can tell you doesn't smell good in there.

GUTFELD: Because they don't wash those costumes.

MCDOWELL: Not only that --

BAKER: I'll bet Sarah Palin's costume smells like shotgun shells and deep woods. That's what I believe.

GUTFELD: She is a knockout. Let's admit, right?

BAKER: Yes.

LONG: At her age, yes.

BAKER: Yes.

GUTFELD: What is she like? 70?

LONG: I don't know.

GUTFELD: She's much -- she is younger than me, Rob.

TIMPF: I'm going to be hot until I die and then when I die, I'm going to be still hot.

LONG: She should be self-quarantined.

GUTFELD: Yes, maybe the guy at the morgue. Yes, but you know what, we don't want to talk about that.

LONG: A furry sarcophagus.

GUTFELD: All right. My favorite story possibly of all time, up next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Would your lips smack for a Double Big Mac. McDonald's debuted a super-sized version of their signature burger this week featuring a whopping four patties.

Yes, I haven't seen a foursome this hot since I hooked up with that Bangles tribute band.

BAKER: I used to love the Bangles.

GUTFELD: I love the Bangles. The bigger Mac is only available for a limited time, but also not really because ordering extra patties will always be an option, like at an Irish bar.

According to McDonald's Department of Menu Innovation, -- they have a department I love that -- the Double Big Mac was created to give customers new ways to enjoy the burger they love. That sounds perverse, or more accurately, just kill you. I kid.

But still, it's tough to think about burgers, when we're all still thinking about these two.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Where have we gone?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh [bleep].

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Where are we going?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Will you shut up.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh, my God.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: We go that way.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Where in the hell is she going, Sheila?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I'm not sure, but we're going.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Are we going to go to the hotdog place?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Hot topic. Are they going to the hot topic? All right, Dagen, you're the business person, the one thing that's good to know in times of instability and unknowns, you could always rely on McDonald's.

MCDOWELL: You can always rely on McDonald's as long as you eat it at home because nobody wants to see anybody eating that in public.

That is meant to be eaten in your best sweatpants that already have Ranch dressing stains on them.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: Right?

TIMPF: And then when you're alone in the dark and have lost the will to live.

LONG: Yes, just eat it with tears. I want to be at the meeting. I want to be the meeting of the innovation department where like how about -- I don't know, just put two more patties.

BAKER: First of all, they probably said three. And they all thought about it. And they go, it's just not right.

GUTFELD: You know what it was, it was like a guy who had this whole idea right, that he had planned it was called The Triple Threat, and he had played it on the charts, and he is like, yes, this is the Triple Threat -- three patties.

And then some new kid goes on, why can't it be four? And everybody goes four. The guy like who came up with the Triple Threat is like --

BAKER: He is in charge of the innovation department.

GUTFELD: You know why four is a bad idea? Because it inserts kind of the idea of quadruple into it and they only quadruple --

TIMPF: Bypass.

GUTFELD: And I only hear quadruple with bypass.

BAKER: Here's what's good about McDonald's. Here's why I admire them as a corporation so much is that when you're in the middle of a public health crisis?

GUTFELD: Yes.

BAKER: What Americans really need to calm them down is gluttony.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BAKER: And they have answered a screaming need on the part of a lot of Americans who are carrying a lot of anxiety right now.

GUTFELD: And also think about that -- it could be timing, you're getting a for patty burger while stocking up on toilet paper, which is going to be useful if you're eating that kind of cow.

LONG: That's how we look at. I look at it they don't want you to stay home and they're luring you out. It's like the cheese on a mousetrap.

GUTFELD: Oh, my god, you're right.

LONG: Snapper is coronavirus.

TIMPF: I always use Postmates order my McDonald's though. Even when I lived like 300 feet from one, if I am eating at McDonald's, I'm not -- again, I'm not in a position for the world to see me in that moment.

MCDOWELL: But you've got to actually walk or drive to the McDonald's and go inside now so you can go in the bathroom and get the toilet paper.

TIMPF: That's true.

MCDOWELL: You know, because it's locked in. and you've got to wrap it around your wrist and then stick it in your purse and walk out.

BAKER: Dagen, what have you done?

GUTFELD: That's an amazing trick.

BAKER: There are a lot of people watching this show.

MCDOWELL: I did it at Taco Bell in college because I was broke.

GUTFELD: That's incredible.

TIMPF: I've done it. I've done it.

GUTFELD: Well, I've never thought of that.

BAKER: I just said I've done it.

GUTFELD: Hiding your rolled up hand in a purse. It could work for a lot of things. Okay. We've got -- I think we've got one more special segment. Be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: So we're out of time. Thanks to Dagen McDowell, Rob Long, Katherine, and Mike Baker. I'm Greg Guthrie, I love you America. Be well. Great show, you guys. It was a great show.

Content and Programming Copyright 2020 Fox News Network, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Copyright 2020 ASC Services II Media, LLC. All materials herein are protected by United States copyright law and may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, displayed, published or broadcast without the prior written permission of ASC Services II Media, LLC. You may not alter or remove any trademark, copyright or other notice from copies of the content.