'Gutfeld!' on confiscated airplane items, climate crisis hypocrisy

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This is a rush transcript from "Gutfeld!," January 24, 2022. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

LAURA INGRAHAM, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: He wrote, they can have Joe Rogan or Neil Young? Not both. Well, I think he might find himself on the losing end of that battle, but don't let it get you down Neil. And --

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: All right. it's Monday. Ah, I don't like that one. I do not like smooth jazz. Clap away. Keep clapping. Happy glorious Monday, everyone. What a great day to be alive. Tyrus is finally back in studio. I can tell because there's a trail of protein bar crumbs all the way to the set. And Lawrence Kudlow won't come out of his office.

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Yes, he felt terrified.

GUTFELD: He's terrified of you. Yes. The downside is Michael Loftus is back, which means there's a homeless guy on Sixth Avenue looking for his pants, and his underpants. But we'll still have a good show, a great show. So let's start off with our favorite climate warrior, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Remember, the consequences of global climate change are so pressing.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, FORMER GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA: The consequences of global climate change as so pressing.

Seven million people are dying every year because of pollution.

People are suffering because they're living close to freeway and the ports and there's unbelievable pollution.

Of those countries that come and give speeches that we're not going to go and lose jobs because of the going green (INAUDIBLE) They're liars. They -- oh, they're just stupid. They don't know how to do that.

That 50 percent of my missions since 1990. That really pisses me off. Really pisses me off.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: So, Arnold wants to have a tremendous impact on the environment. And this weekend he did. Pumping iron? How about pumping the brakes, buddy. Apparently Arnold was involved in a serious four-car pileup this weekend. As you can tell, he was fine. Apparently his pecs acted as his own built-in airbags. But also he was driving the largest vehicle you can find without a caboose, a GMC Yukon.

That kind of gets two-wheel revolutions to the gallon. The Yukon is the only truck larger than the place it's named after. If we're any more of a tank Biden would have left it for the Taliban. Now the car that crumbled underneath his Yukon like a housemaid under Arnie is a Prius. The kind of car greenies like Arnold would love you to be driving while he tools around in Battlestar Galactica. But the fact is, if you're in that Yukon, you probably aren't going to go to the hospital, unless it's for a paternity test.

But if you're in the Prius, hit by the Yukon, well just hope you're wearing clean underwear. You might even be headed for the morgue, or worse, a roll in jingle all the way to. It's an unfair matchup. I'm trying to think of ones that are worse. That's just unfair. But anyway, it wasn't captured on video. But here's that recreation.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: And now Gutfeld reenactment theater presents Crash- Talavista, Baby.

This has been Gutfeld reenactment theater.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I can taste the Emmy. Now I know that it gets big trucks. They're safer, more comfortable and the things you can get away with them with those tinted windows. Just ask any CNN producer. It's also got plenty of room for out of wedlock child seats. But this is Arnold who has been a withering critic of those who don't abide by the climate agenda. He's pushing for a world as natural as his body building career wasn't.

And if we don't do something now, we're all complicit. I wonder if he mentioned that to the fellows down to the car dealership, but you gotta hand it to him. He was a quick learner. He was a Republican who's still the Democrats gameplan that as long as you talk to a good game, you could get away with anything. It's on us to talk about climate. You can still fly in private jets. You can still sail on $100 million yachts.

You can fill your hot tub with Panda tears and tulle around Brentwood and a vehicle that could house Mitt Romney's entire family. Yes. But they could fit all of them in a Yukon, including the dog on the roof. There's a call back. Now I hope who've ever got injured fully recovers. It's not their fault. They bought a car as sturdy as a big wheel. But the story provides a lesson. Elites like to make rules for other people so they don't have to abide by them.

It's why people get into politics. The first thing you do after introducing a law is violate it. We get the Prius and they get the Yukon. Whether you're Gavin Newsom at the French Laundry, or a police defund or hiding behind armed security. The whole point of power is creating a world of a exemptions for yourself. You can see this specially in Liberal bastions, they're the ones that love restrictions most because they figured out how to live above and beyond them either by working in politics or in the media.

So in New York, in L.A., in D.C., crime spirals out of control, cops all over the country being shot and killed as innocent women are being randomly murdered by deranged lunatics. But you still hear this (BLEEP) from the coddled fat bags at CNN.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BRIAN STELTER, CNN ANCHOR: These are just some examples of the banners on Fox News in the past few days. You get the sense that America's gone to hell, declining quality of life, America is a apocalyptic hellscape. That was one of the actual banners. This is a narrative that's both anti-Biden, it's also anti-Democrats who run urban areas. And it goes on and on every hour. I just wanted to give a sampling, Biden administration's a clown car driving off a cliff.

It's a great example of the kind of incendiary rhetoric that you would have never seen from another channel, let's say during the Trump years or now during the Biden years.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Not true. He sees this as an anti-Biden narrative. No, it's anti- crime. Honestly, how do you fit that much dumb in one room? Even if they lose 90 percent of their viewers from last year ,they continue with the same strategy. But at least Brian's consistent. We never accused him of waffling unless it's topped with whipped cream and chocolate sauce. Yes. It's another fat joke. Here's why. Because it's crude and stupid as fat jokes are no insult, is worse than their bad ideas.

They joked about violent crime, they actually laughed at the suffering of victims. So you can fix fat, but you can't fix that. Now Stelter is lying, of course, when Trump was President, we were screaming about crime in Portland, Seattle, in New York and elsewhere on every single show. Meanwhile, what was CNN doing?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DON LEMON, CNN ANCHOR: You listen to conservative media, you would think that, you know, entire cities are just, you know, in brawled and fights and fires and whatever. We went out, had a great dinner in New York City tonight. People actually walked up to us and said thank you for -- I watch you every night.

They're going to take your country away, and they're taking down the statues and --

CHRIS CUOMO, CNN ANCHOR: Crime is rising.

LEMON: Crime is rising.

CUOMO: They defund police.

LEMON: Oh, my gosh, it's so bad and they get defunding police. It's like --

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Yes. Talk about a car crash. But I guess when you have private security surrounding you, crime doesn't exist. It's just for the plebes. But I get why CNN has to lie. It's the only news network where Take Your Daughter to Work Day has to be done remotely. And that could be why CNN still exists. If you can't control your appetites, control the news to make sure you stay out of it. And they can't even get that right.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. She proves not every barefoot person with a corncob pipe and a banjo is that hell belly. Fox Business Anchor Dagen McDowell. He's got his own island to Salvation Army. Founder of the Loftusparty.com, Michael Loftus. She communicates with the spirit world mostly tequila, rum, gin and vodka, Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf. And he's like a cruise ship. He's really big and your grandma would love to be on him. My massive sidekick and the NWA World Television Champion, Tyrus.

It is true. You get mobbed by the grannies, they crawl over you like they're -- you -- and they're still the same age as Mick Jagger. So technically they are groupies.

TYRUS: Yes. They -- yes. A nice to be you're on my bucket list as soon as I get my hip replacement. It's always thrill but, you know, thank you, I love you all. Thank you.

GUTFELD: Welcome back.

TYRUS: Thank you.

GUTFELD: From your sequestered life.

TYRUS: Sabbatical.

GUTFELD: Sabbatical? Yes?

TYRUS: Yes. Sabbatical.

GUTFELD: So you -- the monologue touched on crime. It touched on car accidents. Where would you like to go?

TYRUS: I think you -- once again, phenomenal. You always -- you bring it, you never afraid.

GUTFELD: Thank you.

TYRUS: But I think at some point. Someone has to tell you this Stelter thing has to stop.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: OK? Because you're literally the only reason why he's on T.V. now. You are that 10 percent.

GUTFELD: That's true.

TYRUS: That's watching him. You watch him thoroughly. And then you bring him on the show. He's literally a guest. I'm about to give them -- a little little chubby highchair right here, because you're all he's got.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: So his entire show is what can we do to get Gutfeld's attention? So I thought that there's three reasons with you guys. It's either one. You guys are related somehow, you have to take care of him.

GUTFELD: How dare you.

TYRUS: Two, he's got some really sketchy photos of you from your young days or three, he bullied you when he worked here.

GUTFELD: Ah.

TYRUS: And this is like you just got to keep it going showing him, you know, success. It's like that of jilted lover that, you know, you left behind but you want to let them know how much they're missing it. Like I guess he could have been sitting here, you know, played his cards right here.

GUTFELD: He never worked here. He never worked here.

TYRUS: Wasn't he an intern?

GUTFELD: No, no, no. He was on Red Eye once.

TYRUS: OK. That kind of counts. He was a guess one time.

GUTFELD: That was it. That was it and he was quite boring. Dagen, Schwarzenegger or CNN, take your pick

DAGEN MCDOWELL, FOX BUSINESS NETWORK ANCHOR: Schwarzenegger. I do love how he is trying to convey global warming by sweating.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: Like he's going through menopause like he really needs a testosterone patch. I wasn't looking at you when I said that.

TYRUS: No, it was just Arnold still my hero. I know what he says.

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: He's never -- he's the last one. Lou Ferrigno and Arnold, all I got left.

MCDOWELL: No, I'm not ready to throw down about Arnold because he's been so famous for so long. This is the kind of garbage that you can get away with where you are just a steam in line sack of like schnitzel, and you can't even smell your own sanctimony. And you think about what he's gone through in his life. You've mentioned -- so he had an affair with the housekeeper who had a kid and he was raising the kid.

Like she was bringing the kid along on family functions to the house with his -- with his married family. And the kid looked just like him, and he's like, yes.

TYRUS: Whose fault is that?

MCDOWELL: Yes. I know. But it didn't show --

TYRUS: Whose fault is that?

(CROSSTALK)

MCDOWELL: It shows --

TYRUS: No. The wife put the goggles on.

MCDOWELL: No, it shows major man tits that he would do that, that he would try to get away with it.

TYRUS: I too might have done that.

GUTFELD: This is not about the -- you know what the thing is, I --

MCDOWELL: You want to talk about the car?

GUTFELD: Well, yes. It's like -- a Prius would be a perfect car if everybody else drove Priuses but they don't, right? They call -- you know, they should call it the Prius, because is an accident they're going to have to prius out of it.

MCDOWELL: Yes. I was just talking about --

(CROSSTALK)

MICHAEL LOFTUS, FOUNDER, LOFTUSPARTY.COM: Yes. The jaws of (INAUDIBLE)

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: Now, I'm just talking about the sanctimony.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes.

MCDOWELL: And he became anti Trump.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: And then he compares of January 6 to Kristallnacht.

GUTFELD: Crazy. That is --

(CROSSTALK)

MCDOWELL: Who says dad is a Nazi or was? So that just shows you again with the climate change crowd it's -- I'm going to lecture you about how you should behave. But I'm going to do this because he's big and well, formerly famous --

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: Conan The Barbarian.

GUTFELD: Yes. They're great.

TYRUS: All I got.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: All I got.

GUTFELD: Yes. I like that True. Lies was a good film. And the one that happened on the orange planet, I can't remember what it was called. But --

LOFTUS: Total Recall.

GUTFELD: Total Recall, that's it. Hey, good recall.

LOFTUS: Yes. I try.

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Nailed it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LOFTUS: It's like he's in the roof.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: When she was.

GUTFELD: All right.

LOFTUS: Yes.

(CROSSTALK)

LOFTUS: Arnold can't do something good or noble without an equal and opposite weird thing happening?

GUTFELD: Yes.

LOFTUS: Like remember when the lockdown started and he's like, we're all in this together. And then the little horse came in --

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: It's a donkey, it's a burro.

GUTFELD: Yes. He had a burro.

LOFTUS: We're not in this together. I don't have a little minute for the horse (INAUDIBLE)

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: That's good point.

LOFTUS: And like the wreck was fantastic. That's a good wreck. Because no one got hurt. The lady at the Prius, man. She a rollercoaster. She had a concussion. Oh, it's much worse. It's -- as -- listen, I guarantee as soon as she saw Arnold get out of the Yukon. She was like, oh, everything. That's emotional trauma. She just hit the lottery.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true,.

LOFTUS: It's the first phone call she made was honey, quit your job. No, Arnold was driving.

GUTFELD: Yes. There's must be nothing better than getting hit by a celebrity. Right? Well, as is Matthew Broderick then you're dead.

LOFTUS: Yes. I almost got hit by Britney Spears one time.

GUTFELD: Really?

LOFTUS: Yes.

GUTFELD: Really?

LOFTUS: Yes. I went into the Ralph's grocery stores. She just came flying by and --

GUTFELD: Was she actually in a car?

LOFTUS: Yes.

GUTFELD: OK.

(CROSSTALK)

LOFTUS: Yes. This was right after the head shaving bit. So hot.

GUTFELD: Yes, it was. Kat, last word to you. Would you like to talk about the hypocrisy of the Yukon versus the Prius or talk about how strange it is that CNN is belittling people's concern about crime?

TIMPF: Let's see. Well, I don't know. I did like Jingle All the Way.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: But other -- but I did. But like Sinbad was really good in it. And so I don't know if I give him that much credit.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: But you know, I -- it's -- obviously I feel like if you really want to convince people to care about climate, this is the worst thing you could do. Because anybody who might be kind of on the fence like yes, you know, maybe the Earth does matter, which I, you know, hot take -- I think it does.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: You don't just contradict yourself because that's where you get people to go hard against it. Because I mean, that's a massive vehicle. And it's all the rich people that have the biggest carbon footprints. Not to mention, as you did say, getting your wife and housekeeper pregnant at the same time.

GUTFELD: Sounds like Yukoned us, Arnold. Yes, yes, yes, I did that. I did that number one name and late night news. Right? Did you guys catch Jessie's show? Oh my god. Up next. I'm kidding. Joe gives Kamala virtual kiss as their ratings fall into the abyss.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: While their ratings go kaboom, Joe and Kamala should get a room. As their disapproval grows it sounds like Biden's about to propose. On Friday during a virtual DNC Town Hall not to be confused with a bucket of turds. The President got a little carried away and complementing the Veep. But it's not like he said, oh, Kamala, I love you.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JOE BIDEN, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Him, Kamala, I love you. You always have my back. You're really amazing. You're the best partner, I could imagine.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Yes. Usually when Kamala has your back, there's a knife sticking out of it. But really I haven't seen that kind of affection since Millard Fillmore send St. James R. Polk a pair of edible underwear. I'm thinking Dr. Jill was not pleased by that. And how about that poor Sign Language Guy condolences to him for having to be the third whale and that love fest. Is that dry heaving or the sign for I want to throw up?

But for all the love, Biden shows Kamala he's got none for our very own, our very own Peter Doocy.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

PETER DOOCY, FOX NEWS WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT: Do you think inflation is a political liability ahead of the midterms?

BIDEN: That's a great asset. More inflation. What a stupid son of a bitch.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Thank you. Finally, finally, the President says what everybody's been thinking about our very own Peter Doocy. Meanwhile, brand new Fox poll, my favorite kind gives Biden a 47 percent approval rating and Harris 43 approval. But like Kilmeade on any Monday morning, that still seems high. According to that same survey 36 percent of registered voters would reelect Biden while 60 percent would back someone else in 2024. His ratings are so low. I bet even Chuck Todd can't give them cover.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

CHUCK TODD, NBC NEWS POLITICAL DIRECTOR: Our new NBC News polls suggest Mr. Biden does need to reset because he's lost his identity a bit. He's no longer seen as competent and effective. No longer seen as a good commander- in-chief or perhaps most damaging as easygoing and likeable.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Hmm. Why does the media know the truth the year after everyone else? And what is really going on between Joe and Kamala? Joe explain yourself.

TOM SHILLUE, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: You want to know how I feel about Kamala? I love her. I do. I actually do. I love actually. That's a good movie. And I say she loves me. She loves me like Iraq. She loves me loves me. He loves me. He loves me. And so look, I -- to be honest, I'm just tickled to death that she's my vice president. And I mean that, I -- not literally, you know, I don't want to be, you know, tickled to death but a day the truth I had to go, tickled to death would be the way to go.

Like, you know, that tickle me, Elmo. Good guy. I got him working on the vaccine. But look, I just -- look, I'll tell you right now. I know. I'd like to say it right to Kamala. Kamala, you're everything I hoped for. You're everything I need. You are beautiful.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I wish she was president. Dagen, care to comment on this very bizarre relationship or this recent news of this outbursts, this attack on our very own that, you know, he's changing his name to very own Peter Doocy?

MCDOWELL: I'll combine the two.

GUTFELD: OK. Yes.

MCDOWELL: he also called Jacqui Heinrich stupid, right? Or stupid question. So it's like he's very cranky.

MCDOWELL: Kamala Harris knows that, so she -- he -- of course, Joe Biden loves her because she is his best insurance policy because she's even less popular or more unpopular than he is.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: People are terrified of her potentially becoming the president. So he's like -- he -- of course he's -- he would rub up on our feet was in the same room with her potentially. But she's got to be hoping that Biden slipped up on a hot mic was something he saying about her behind her back.

GUTFELD: Oh. That'd be amazing.

MCDOWELL: Woman.

GUTFELD: Yes. One of those things.

MCDOWELL: Yes.

GUTFELD: Right? Yes.

MCDOWELL: Assuming that he has the vocabulary that we all do.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: He's got our fingers crawl.

GUTFELD: He was born like in the 1918s or 19 -- you know, he's -- who knows Loftus.

MCDOWELL: You trawl off?

GUTFELD: Do you notice that he never tell -- says that she's doing a great job. It's just he -- whenever he asked about -- he just doesn't talk about the competency.

LOFTUS: Yes. The whole statement that was just so uncomfortable. You are amazing. You are the best partner. It was like watching a couple after their first week of couples therapy, you know, and Valentine's Day is right around the corner. And the therapist is like, he got to get her a card or something. Can I just tell her she is amazing? He is the best partner. So, he said -- it's hard to watch. It really is. I think was just given the next three years off.

GUTFELD: I'm all for that. I think he would do a great job hanging out. And -- but then you'd have be stuck with her, Kat. Dr. Jill watching this must have been a bit perturbed, right? Like, you know, she's not a fan of Kamala.

TIMPF: Yes. OK. But she knows what -- he doesn't actually love Kamala. When you actually love someone, you just tell them, you just tell them. When you're -- if telling them because you love them. But if you're telling them because you're in trouble, you do it -- you make it a big thing and you post it on social media.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: Everybody knows that.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: This is like the exact same thing you see is like a last ditch effort in any relationship. Right before, you know, the drama of why they broke up is the next thing on social media after you see something like this. So I want to know happened right -- what happened right before that video.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: He felt the need to be like, OK, I need to tell Kamala I love her on camera, then we need to tweet it. Because it must have been something --

(CROSSTALK)

LOFTUS: That's when the therapist is saying you're very closed off. It'd be nice if a public display maybe say something nice in public.

GUTFELD: I think -- didn't Trump said he loved Pence?

TYRUS: Yes. He did and Pence said I love you too.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Which is my point.

TIMPF: She didn't say that.

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: I feel -- I feel terrible. Come on, man, I feel terrible for the President. He put himself out there.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: How many of us have been in that relationship? You're like, I love you, dear and she was, you, too.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: That means she don't love you. And when he's like, I love you, Kamala. I'm glad you have my back. What did she say? You know it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Which is -- which is everyone who's ever been unloved in a relationship or they're cheating on you, she couldn't say she loved him back because then her people will be waiting on her.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: You know, the progressives in the back of it. What are you doing? You don't love him, he love us. We don't love him. No matter what he says to her. Her answer is always the same. Look at that face when they hug, it's is like she's holding her breath just being around him just -- like when you feel that way, when you have to have somebody that is just, I don't like you. And he's just unfortunately keeps forgetting that.

So I think he remembers things how they were before the campaign. And he's like, oh, I love Kalama and then they have to remind him, bro, she hates you. She bears. So afterwards, I'm sure Dr. Jill was like, you got to stop talking without me for being there because he's just embarrassing himself. She doesn't love it.

GUTFELD: The other thing too is just fill in space because he didn't -- he couldn't tell she was doing a great job because he doesn't know what she's doing.

TYRUS: Because love is blind though too.

GUTFELD: That is true.

TYRUS: I love her so I obviously couldn't criticize her.

MCDOWELL: But love can smell and I wonder what his breath smells like at that age.

GUTFELD: Delicious.

TYRUS: Probably defeat.

GUTFELD: All right. We got to move on. We're going to cover that in the C Block. Up next, liberal policies are impugned by car thefts and bullet wounds.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: "HUG YOUR THUG." With your host, Joy Behar.

GUTFELD: Yes, you think Democrat politicians were being bribed by morticians, murderers, carjackings, criminals at large just another day with Democrats in charge. Yes, carjackings are way up since the pandemic hit. That's because the biggest punishment car thieves face is scorn for using fossil fuels. Major cities like Philly and New Orleans -- Philly, really -- saw hundreds of them last year and Chicago had more than 1800.

It's now the main cause of traffic on Lakeshore Drive. If you're in New York, maybe you're thinking it's safer to take the subway instead of driving, that's only true for homicidal maniacs. NYPD reported more subway assaults in 2021, than any year since 1997. When I was but a teen, modeling, as a matter of fact. And it's no better in Maryland, where homicide is the top cause of unintended death of Baltimore kids.

I'm sure their state's attorney will get right on those cases once she's done with her own indictment for spending COVID relief funds on a vacation home. And if in case that home is not located at Baltimore, you win a free bulletproof vest. And let's not forget a point that Tyrus brought up before, intentional killings of cops are at a 20-year high. And even if you exclude the 911 attacks, it would go back even further. So, what are our leaders doing about it?

Well, like Michael Loftus, adding another layer of clothing, they're just making it worse. The President is pushing executive orders to restrain cops via police reform bill, he says, will honor the memory of George Floyd. And the Governor of New York's new illegal gun task force will meet for the first time, the first time, just days after a rookie cop was killed by a stolen firearm. Here's the Governor herself. She freaks me out.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GOV. KATHY HOCHUL (D-NY): We have to do more to fight the scourge of illegal guns on our streets. His guns. Despite our tough laws here in the state of New York, we're proud of them. They're coming in from other states. They're flooding our streets.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Talk about a self-own, despite the tough laws that she's so proud of, there's still guns on the streets. And sadly, not in the hands of law- abiding citizens the way it should be.

ANNOUNCER: Period.

GUTFELD: Oh, hold your applause. Loftus, it seems like, it's like, from a demo -- from a Liberal's point of view, inanimate objects have freewill, but human beings don't.

MICHAEL LOFTUS, COMEDIAN: Right.

GUTFELD: Like none of us have any free will. You know, we're all destined to do whatever but like a gun can actually go and shoot people.

LOFTUS: Yes. And I think we've established this that they don't. You can just leave one just sitting in a room all by itself. Nothing's going to happen. I remember the great truck task force after the Christmas parade.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

LOFTUS: That never happened. It's what a giant waste of time. And crime is real. And for some of this technology is going to have to jump in like the car-jacking thing. If you've got a remote start on your car. Why can't you have a remote kill switch? I want something where if somebody's carjacks me, I let them get a little farther away.

Boom, I hit that switch. The windows rolled down. The car slows down at some Leonard Skinner starts playing. Right? That'll stop that. Why can't that be figured when the crowd gathers, and everybody's like "Skinner." And the carjacker's like, I know, he's a slapper and then they have to kind of get away and you got witnesses.

GUTFELD: I like that idea. Sometimes you come up with a good idea that offsets your horrible taste in dressing. Kat, you're no longer taking the subway, are you?

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: No, no, why? Why is that sad? I mean, like, it's sad because you can't, like -- it's, it used to be just you see something gross every now and then, but now you just you go on there, you're going to see some something disgusting.

GUTFELD: I'm shocked. I'm shocked when I see something normal. Oh, look at that.

TIMPF: Yes, yes, someone's like, oh, his pants are on.

GUTFELD: Yes, he's not masturbate not masturbating.

TIMPF: He's not masturbating or in (BLEEP) in front of me.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: And then you're like, this is crazy.

GUTFELD: Do not go into the all (BLEEP) app masturbation car. That's now part of the whole thing.

TIMPF: Well, you will know that that's almost every car. I mean, it's, it's really a nobody's doing anything about it. The other thing is also obviously COVID. I mean, in Chicago. You know, almost half of the people arrested for cars. jacking you're actually minors and that's up over 100 percent in 2020, obviously, pandemic more common in areas where there were school closures. I mean it's almost like it's, it's not good for kids, and there's more and more evidence of that all the time. It's like, if they don't get COVID at school, they're going to get COVID starting a life of crime.

GUTFELD: Yes, it's true. Yes. What do you think Tyrus?

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I think it's, it's pathetic when you -- America has always had guns. Mm hmm. And, you know, to your point, I can't tell you how many times I've left my gun, explicit instructions, how to take her out, gave him every opportunity made sure I was far away with the alibi, and the disobedient pistol never does what I asked them to do.

GUTFELD: Damn it.

TYRUS: You know, they just, they have a mind of their own -- really, really, arrogant sometimes. The guns, whether they're here or not irrelevant. You took the consequences away, while she's up there running her mouth saying about this that, that you mentioned, the fact that here's one little beautiful caveat that just added to the city of New York.

You can rob somebody with a gun, as long as it's not loaded. You guys know that the victims are going to be able to determine that when you pull the gun on them, because even if you say, oh, that guns not loaded, then they beat you with it. And then well, you know, but it wasn't loaded.

So, you took away all the consequences. And you're in instead of being any type of decent, intelligent human being. You blame it on an inanimate object that can't defend itself and you can't prove it or unproven. You won't say there's bad people. And now, literally you can get busted for carjacking, get arrested, get released and carjack right outside the police station to drive home you can literally get and then get arrested again.

And they will have to let them go. So yes, it's not guns. It's, it's honestly, these politicians who are unaffected, and it won't be until she has a unarmed gun pointed at her and she will be like, Wow, I really couldn't tell the difference. My heart beat the same whether I knew there was bullets in there or not.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: So, shame on them.

GUTFELD: What do you think Dagen?

DAGEN MCDOWELL, FOX BUSINESS NETWORK ANCHOR: I think that the Second Amendment doesn't exist here. Right? If you allowed people to protect themselves that certainly it would give them a sense of safety, because you're in charge of your own well-being and your family's well-being which you can do most places in this country. But I have -- over the weekend, I was walking home stupidly it was kind of late from Kat's apartment. And I have perfected how I will defend myself. I call it the rabid raccoon just run down the street. You know like "28 Days Later"?

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

MCDOWELL: Remember the rage virus that people were affected with?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCDOWELL: So, like you said the rabid raccoon I caught nobody will come near me.

GUTFELD: You know, I came up with a thing in the subway. If somebody comes to talk to me, I will just poop myself, because nobody wants to go near somebody who's pooped themselves.

LOFTUS: That's true. Yes, you just have to make the face like you're working on all right, this is the kind of information

TYRUS: Kat's feeling the human skunks.

GUTFELD: Yes. Exactly. That's why I never get mugged. Spent a lot of money on underwear though. Coming up, do you need a well confessional for telling someone they're unprofessional?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: "EVERYTHING IS RACIST."

GUTFELD: With a zero basis, they say professional is racist. Are you a bigoted guy for wearing a coat and tie? They're attacking our foundations by pushing lower expectations. Hello and welcome back to "EVERYTHING IS RACIST," I'm your host Suzanne Somers. I have changed a bit. An upcoming virtual event, my favorite kind, at Washington University in St. Louis, from the same people who named Kansas City, Missouri -- that's a great joke you have to admit it -- is asking students whether professionalism is a racist construct.

But like Nancy Pelosi is face, sometimes I'm positive none of this is real. According to the events description, "The term professionalism has at times been used to silence and marginalized people of color when attributes of appearance, language or interactions that have nothing to do with the job knowledge or construct, constructive collegial relationships are labeled as unprofessional."

Jeez, these people should attend an event for run on sentences. That so much word salad it counts as an entree. The Web site also states that professionalism upholds white supremacy, of course, and institutional racist policies and excluding practices. Yes, because no white person has ever been labeled unprofessional.

TIMPF: Oh, I totally have.

GUTFELD: Yes. That was the joke.

TIMPF: No, but it's also not a joke.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Like, I'm not going to say it's racist but I -- professionalism is the worst thing of -- it's like rules for the sake of rules.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: It's nothing new that good you are your job or how hard you work or anything else, other than like, oh, like, oh, look, she's wearing that or like I wear slippers to work. That doesn't mean I'm not a star, like I'm over it.

GUTFELD: Tyrus --

TIMPF: Why are you laughing?

GUTFELD: Well, you shouldn't wear --

TYRUS: You're that was --

TIMPF: Well, they're slippers but they're like, you know, the, the outside, the you know the public, Slippers Republic.

GUTFELD: Yes. Yes. That's --

TIMPF: At least, I --

GUTFELD: That's what mother mom says when she drops off her kid at school. These are outside pajamas.

TIMPF: But that doesn't -- I also we're outside pajamas to work.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. I've done that before, Tyrus. But we're expecting a lack of professionalism from a person or group isn't caught that kind of bigoted?

TYRUS: Yes, and pretty much kills my whole look.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: So, you know, but I got some entertainment and I got to a point where I could wear what I want but I earned it. But when I will go for a job interview, I would dress for success.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: That used to be a thing and that's not racial that you do your best. Now, you don't might not always have the, you know, the expensive stuff but you make it work. There's a reason for professionalism, there's -- it's the idea that when you come to work, to do your job at the highest level. In some, in some cases, you have to dress the part. You don't want to lawyer in track pants and you know in yoga shoes defending you. You want to look - - you know when you go in front of a judge, you want to look your best, you know.

But I just find it funny that whenever I hear that it's racist, It's just the code word for ninth place-ism. It's woke-ism. We don't have to dress the part. We don't have to do any of the work. We just have to be picked because of the way we look. So, when we get there, and we're unqualified, as we've seen in this administration, well, they're the first though. So, you can't tell them to wear a tie. Because, you know, blacks can't even tie them because you have to have a dad for that. You know, they just continue to slap us in the face, saying like, we can't expect you to go out and get a tie.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Clip on tie is three bucks. I know, because my first job interview, I had a clip-on tie.

GUTFELD: I love clip on ties. So, the idea that if you don't put any effort into anything, it's fine. We don't expect that from you anyways.

GUTFELD: I wear a clip-on tie when I worked at Albertsons. Do you consider yourself a professional?

MCDOWELL: No.

GUTFELD: How about a pro?

MCDOWELL: Well, to Tyrus, point professionalism requires some context. It's like, compared this show to say "SPECIAL REPORT." Like, I can sit here and scratch myself with my hairbrush on camera because my dress itches. You know, I can sit like this. And I wouldn't be able to get away with that on "SPECIAL REPORT."

GUTFELD: Yes, Bret would get you --

MCDOWELL: You have to sit up straight.

GUTFELD: Bret would give you the look. He'd give you the look that made -- that says you're never welcome again on this show.

TYRUS: To be honest --

MCDOWELL: Actually --

TYRUS: -- for this weekend, I think, Bret.

TIMPF: I saw that too. I saw that too.

GUTFELD: People Google Bret Baier's pants that was some strange pants, and even Loftus, you can laugh at his pants, they're that bad.

MCDOWELL: I've never been on "SPECIAL REPORT" by the way, so --

GUTFELD: Been on twice, two more times.

TYRUS: I'm scheduled.

LOFTUS: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes. Loftus, you're not a professional, are you?

LOTFUS: I am.

GUTFELD: Are you?

LOFTUS: And sometimes, I'm the victim of cruel mockery. Anything can be used and construed. if you start just putting the everything under the microscope of could this be used to be racist? Then, yes, everything, everything is racist.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LOFTUS: And your life is going to be horrible and miserable. But I want to live in a world where you can wear what you want, in whatever environment.

TIMPF: I just do, yes.

LOFTUS: Put on those outdoor pajamas. Slap on a pair of shoes you just stole from a Color Me Mine. Wear what you want.

TYRUS: Actually, this is for Black History Month. Nice knowing you.

LOFTUS: In your face, Loftus.

TYRUS: Bye. Bye. I just made that up, but you all agreed with it. That was very unprofessional of you.

LOFTUS: I'm like, what does Halloween mine have to do, have to do with racism?

TYRUS: He wasn't very professional. Well, he needs to research.

GUTFELD: You know, thank you for your shoes.

LOFTUS: Those are the colors of some flag, somewhere.

TYRUS: Thank you. Thank you.

GUTFELD: Yes, we must move on. Up next, the stuff these dopes packed in their bags certainly raised a lot of red flags.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Yes, a confiscation list from last year will leave you without means to fight a bear -- that did not rhyme. Yes, your airport delays make sure the machete stays. TSA released a list of items they took from travelers in 2021 including a chainsaw, fireworks, machete and a burrito filled with meth.

Finally, a burrito that helps you lose weight. Now, I get why those things had to go but some other stuff on the list like a wine holder shaped like a gun and a container of bear spray made lets less sense. Funny story, I once mixed up my gun and my wine holder. That's why I'm putting my Sommelier kids through college. All right, peace Sommelier.

The officers who took the bear spray are really lucky however that there was a grizzly attack on the plane or else they feel exceptionally bad. Bear spray is like a plunger. Don't be without one when you need one. Anyway, airports don't seem to be getting any less crazy in 2022. Just check out what this guy tried to board a plane with over the weekend.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Mr. DeVito, I really can't let you board this time.

JOE DEVITO, COMEDIAN: Oh, come on. The TSA just worked me over for 40 minutes. I'll tell you the same thing I told them, this underwear's prescription and I'm clear to fly.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Well, let me show you the items that were taken at security. A rotary telephone? An actual gun. A toaster. And whatever the hell this thing is?

DEVITO: None of these things were found inside of my luggage.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Mr. DeVito, these items were taken during your cavity search.

DEVITO: Oh.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: There you go. You didn't think we're going to make a joke like that? Do you -- is there any policy Loftus? What is the policy? Do you go to jail if they picked -- I don't know.

LOFTUS: Not if you're Aaron Sorkin.

GUTFELD: Why?

LOFTUS: You can go through with the with the cocaine and mushrooms and all kinds of loaded weapons and Burbank just says you get out of here and go right --

GUTFELD: Is that true?

LOFTUS: Oh, you don't remember that?

GUTFELD: I don't, I but then again, I don't remember a lot of things.

LOFTUS: But this is, this is the TSA just justified their existence to me. Like it seems like they miss everything and now at least we got entertained. A crystal meth burrito? Come on.

GUTFELD: I know.

LOFTUS: That's the best.

GUTFELD: I know.

LOFTUS: We got to franchise that.

GUTFELD: That's a great idea hiding stuff, Kat, you still don't --

LOFTUS: The TSA -- no.

TIMPF: No, you fell for propaganda list. But this list of the top things they found is probably really a list of the only things they found.

GUTFELD: That's true. Yes, that's true.

TIMPF: There's been so many studies and it's like all they miss 80 percent, they miss 95 percent, they miss 95 percent again, but we're still paying them hundreds of millions, like just all this money for what?

GUTFELD: Time. It's time. It's time.

TIMPF: They got to go. Bye, TSA.

GUTFELD: We can figure this out on ourselves, right Tyrus?

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Or what?

TYRUS: You know, I think sometimes we underestimate how great the TSA is because they find water bottles anywhere. I mean, they have confiscated enough water bottles to literally make a lake. They, they're on that -- doesn't matter if it's for you baby, doesn't matter if you know, if you need it because you're thirsty, because here's the good news: once they take it away for you, they -- you can drink it now or you throw in the trash. So, they give you an opportunity. Then here's the here's the crazy part. You literally walk out through security and stop at a store and buy what the same exact size water bottles.

GUTFELD: $8.00.

TYRUS: Yes, for $8.00.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

TYRUS: Who is that really about? I feel conspiracy here.

GUTFELD: They do the same thing with lube. They say, you got to throw it away or you can use it now.

TYRUS: I'm not getting on that one.

GUTFELD: That was a good joke, Dagen.

MCDOWELL: That's a, that's a good joke. I was just thinking about you know, using it as moisturizer. Don't mind if I do. Let me put some lube on my face.

GUTFELD: I'm going to just pour the lube in my pockets and got to throw away. It'll be there when I land.

TYRUS: I have a feeling if Gutfeld got caught with lube, he could just stare at the guy and like you know what, just go. Just go. Just go.

MCDOWELL: That's my strategy going through when they try to pull me aside. I'm like, do it, do it. But they're bragging -- like, a chainsaw. They're bragging about finding a chainsaw.

GUTFELD: Yes, I know, I know.

MCDOWELL: Yes, how hard was that?

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. And it was, it was actually from a chainsaw construction company. It was like, yes, these warning chain saws on the site.

TYRUS: It means, you can slide it in your carry-on bag, it's a freaking chainsaw?

GUTFELD: So, but you know, we look at COVID. We, I -- think we've learned a lesson here that once they government institute rules, they don't like to un-institute them.

LOFTUS: No.

GUTFELD: I think we're seeing that right now. And I think on that note, shall we close out this Monday show? With a little we'll be right back?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: We're out of time. Thanks to Dagen McDowell, Michael Loftus, Kat Timpf, Tyrus. "FOX NEWS @ NIGHT" with evil Shannon Bream is next. I'm Greg Gutfeld and I love you, America.

END

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