This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," October 20, 2018. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: The Democrats have turned -- I love you, too. Who said that? Who said that? Who said that? It's finally a woman. You know, I get it from the men all of the time. And so far, every guy that said I love you they're just not my type.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GREG GUTFELD, HOST: Don't knock it until you try it. This is the greatest country on earth. Among our natural resources, an endless supply of idiots, they are everywhere. You don't even need to frack them. Here's a week's worth right here. First up is Liz Warren, otherwise known as chief spreading bull.
After years of being accused of lying of her Native American background, she decides to take a DNA test, creating a video around laughable results.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
SEN. ELIZABETH WARREN, D-MASS.: The president likes to call my mom a liar. What are do the facts say?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The facts suggest that you absolutely have a Native American ancestry in your pedigree.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Wow. That looked totally natural. If she got any stiffer, I would check for the toe tag. Talk about a paleface. It's telling that they chose some Stanford academic to finesse these terrible results, they just knew they were about to paint a turd orange and call it Sherbet because when the results arrived, it amounted to something between nearly zero and nearly zero. Like 0.09. If your IQ was 0.09, you would be granite. If they gave her a breathalyzer, she would be over the legal limit of stupid.
As a wise man once said, when it comes to Cherokee, she has more in common with the jeep. Maybe she could be their spokesman. The slogan, "Unlike me this Cherokee is not fully [bleep]," so, think about what she pulled off.
One law school directory listed her as Native American for nine years. Harvard had her as Native American until 2004. She was called the Harvard Law's first woman of color. And then there was the cookbook, "Powwow Chow," recipes from five Indian tribes. She listed herself as Cherokee. Yes and I am Bjorn from Abba.
Actually, I did some research to find out who has more Native American blood than her, here they are -- Bjorn from Abba, Agnetha from Abba, Anni- Frid from Abba, and the other guy from Abba.
Hard to believe. I actually did even more research to find out who has more Native American blood than her, Flipper, my office stapler, this helmet. So, we spent a long time being lectured by left-wing a-holes about what not to wear on Halloween. Better not wear a sombrero, amigo. Hands off the head dress. Cultural appropriation is so evil.
But by all means, says our leading libs, they totally claim ownership of an entire culture and exploit it for political purposes. Seriously, hasn't Warren committed the biggest cultural appropriations sin ever. She stole who they are.
Now, I can talk, because I am 2 percent Native American. It's true. That's more Indian than she is. Meaning, I am Native American. I know what I'm going as for Halloween. So, could this be the end of identity politics? If DNA tests reveal that you contain the same amount of oppressed ancestry that Liz has, then you are oppressed, too.
If everyone is a minority, then nobody is, except me. As you know, I did do my own DNA test on "The Five" and then I made a video.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Hi, I'm Greg Gutfeld. My ancestry is incredibly rich. Remember the Donner Party. That's my great, great, grandfather Karl. He never went hungry. I'm proud of my family's roots. So I decided to take a DNA test. The results were fascinating. It turns out, I am 40.8 percent British and Irish; 9 percent Iberian, 2 percent Native American, and 20 percent minotaur, and 20 percent giant sequoia.
Yes, one of my granddad had a thing for trees. I'm also 30 percent centaur, which explains why it's hard to get jeans that fit. There's also a bit of sea serpent in there, about 90 percent.
At this point, I know what you're thinking that adds up to more than 100 percent. Well, it's 212.3 percent to be exact. How can that be? Well, I will tell you.
It's because I am the Zlarg, the gargantuan double beasts that feasts on the souls of the dead. I am a being of infinite manifestations. Fueled by a hell bent search for human sufferings. Bow before me or bear the wrath of my endless mutilation as I tear at the wrath of your naked cowering loved ones.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Gutfeld 2020. Paid for by the committee to elect Zlarg.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Don't applaud. Don't applaud. That monstrosity. That was really unexpected. So anyway, the other idiot this week, the litigating lollipop, Michael Avenatti. The dome dope had been using various victims to attract the spotlight for himself, but when he finally finds the spotlight, this happens.
This week, the judge ruled in favor of Donald Trump in Stormy's defamation case against him and ordered that he she pay Trump's legal fees. This was the judge's way of telling Stormy that her lawyer is giving lawyers a bad name. Think about that. She is a porn star and her lawyer is so bad, suddenly her career looks respectable.
She used to get paid to screw people, Avenatti just screwed her and she has to pay him. He is to lawyers what Liz Warren is to Indians, an embarrassment. So it's really been a week of backfiring. Everything blew up in their faces. The DNA test exposes Warren as 0.0 Indian, the judge exposes Avenatti as 100 percent bozo.
Meanwhile, the US regains its spot as the number one competitive economy in the world and US job openings hits a record 7.1 million exceeding the number of unemployed Americans. Pretty soon, you're going to need a DNA test to prove you're an unemployed American.
That's pretty good for Trump, but it may not be good enough for Liz Warren and Avenatti. There may be seven million job openings, but we still have at least two more idiots than we need.
Let's welcome tonight guest. He is prescription for your affliction, host of the radio show, "Dr. Drew Midday Live," Dr. Drew Pinsky. He split more sides than a butcher on meth, comedian, Jimmy Failla. I'm not used to that jacket. She's the pinnacle of cynical, National Review reporter, Kat Timpf. And, he always has his heads in the cloud, literally, former WWE Superstar and my massive sidekick, Tyrus.
Dr. Drew, you are a doctor, what did Senator Warren accidentally do to herself this week?
DREW PINSKY, "DR. DREW MIDDAY LIVE": Other than shoot herself in the foot?
PINSKY: You know, I've found through -- on my radio program, I had a number of Native American call us and say each tribe determine its own criteria for heritage, right? And it's usually between one-eighth and one- sixteenth, but for Cherokee particularly, you have to register with the Indian Affairs Department and you have to be able to show your heritage back to a given individual in order to call yourself Cherokee and they were deeply offended by this. Deeply offended. Talk about -- they didn't say appropriation, it was the ultimate appropriation.
GUTFELD: Yes, they tried to steal -- she tried to steal their identity. Jimmy, it's an outrage.
JIMMY FAILLA, COMEDIAN: Yes, not as outrageous as this jacket.
GUTFELD: I know. I'm trying to think -- did you buy that at Chest King or Mary Go Round?
FAILLA: This is my oldest guy in the boy band look. I look like the guy they won't fire because I can buy them beer after the show.
PINSKY: What do you call the boots?
FAILLA: They do come in men's if you're wondering.
GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, FORMER WWE SUPERSTAR: Terry Schappert would love those.
FAILLA: I know. He's be a fan. I actually do think she disqualified herself. The reason I say that is not because of anything Trump is going to do, but because of what her own party is going to do in the primaries. Nobody is tougher on you than when you screw up than your friends. You know what I mean>
So like, the time you said you were a Native American. Like, she is never going to live this down for the rest of her life.
GUTFELD: And you know who is going to go after her? I mean, Joe Biden must be so -- he must pleased with this bunch -- Kamala Harris, Cory Booker -- I mean, she's gone. I don't think there's any way she can come back to this.
FAILLA: And you know she should go away? It's not because she lied, it's because she outed herself as dumb. Anyone who thought this was acceptable proof based on the results, this is like telling someone you have a really hot girlfriend, but the only picture in your wallet it is clearly from a magazine.
GUTFELD: Hey, you know what? I only did that once. Kat, for your birthday, you were going to be showing up in a coffin.
KAT TIMPF, REPORTER, NATIONAL REVIEW: Yes.
GUTFELD: So you were appropriating the lifestyle of the dead. You're as bad as she is.
TIMPF: I'm dead on the inside.
TIMPF: So, this story, I mean, I was sitting around my apartment earlier this week, shocking I know. And I was thinking the only friend that I have that lives close to me anywhere in the city is a cat, right? Like, I wake up, there is the cats. During the day, there is the cat. I go to bed, there's the cat.
GUTFELD: The cat feels the same way.
TIMPF: So, if Liz Warren is 1/11024th Native American, I have to be at least 1/1024th cat.
PINSKY: Just your name alone makes you it ...
TIMPF: Based on the time that I spend around a cat, and if you don't think that cat human culture is a thing, it is definitely a thing. We walk around with clothes, covered in it, like people don't notice.
GUTFELD: No, I notice.
TIMPF: We buy frozen meals for one. We own wine stoppers, like, who are we kidding?
GUTFELD: No, that's true. Wishful thinking. Tyrus, where do we go with this?
MURDOCH: I'll be honest with you, I checked out when the green dude showed up. You have lost your damn mind.
GUTFELD: Are you talking about Zlarg?
MURDOCH: Zlarg, yes. That was -- just damn, man. Like what the hell? Don't start eating people because I can't handle that. Don't Dahmer on me.
GUTFELD: I can safely say I probably didn't write that sober.
MURDOCH: Yes. Listen, this is what -- these are the days that I am so happy I did not have grandparents. Because it was her lying ass grandparents who got her in this mess. Especially, everyone has got the -- your great-grandfather was Cherokee. He was a chief Cherokee Indian. How many people heard that damn lying ass story in their childhood? Like everybody says the same thing and just one. That's the way people are. You go with your one. More than two, you're out of the game.
But it is always that one and she believed, Papa or whatever weird nickname she had for grandpa who told that drunk ass lying story, so much so that I am pretty sure her team was like, "This was not a good idea." No, no, my grandfather told me, it is true.
And, now, we have to deal with not only is she not Native American, which I kind of think she already really knew because no one ever like made jokes, there were no teases going on or anything like that.
GUTFELD: Right, right.
MURDOCH: But now, she has to face the President of the United States of America. Every time they are in the hallway, he's going to be like, "Hey stop, haw." Guaranteed.
FAILLA: I was just thinking whoever let her put that up must be the same person that let you put the Zlarg video up.
PINSKY: No, no.
FAILLA: You know, what's amazing though, it's Saturday night and right now, she is home shocked that she didn't win the mega millions but she thinks one in 302 million is a good chance.
GUTFELD: Let's end on that great joke. Up next, what freaked out the media this week, as usual, everything, but we will pare it down to a five- minute segment. That's next.
Joe, Mika, Matthews, Lemon, Cuomo -- they're not just the names of my superfluous nipples, doctor.
PINSKY: Supernumerary nipples.
GUTFELD: Oh, really, gee, thanks for correcting me. They are also the usual media suspects who predictably played all the anti-Trump notes this week. There was a little 25th Amendment crap.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
MIKA BRZEZINSKI, MSNBC: If you are working for a president who is not fit to lead, who is going to do something crazy in five minutes, one hour, tonight or tomorrow, like what more do you need to hear from him to start thinking 25th Amendment or something else?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: I think we need a 25th Amendment for her. And of course, don't forget to bash his supporters.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BRZEZINSKI: Saudi Arabia was supposed to be our ally. We are not surprised at the President's pathetic response. America's morally drift foreign policy in the age of Trump and at a time when quislings uniquely march in lockstep behind a morally disabled President.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Quisling, eh, that a nice Scrabble word. It means traitor. But funny, I seem to remember when she and her BF loved Trump. They kissed his ass, but now, they hate him. Why is that? My theory, to them, Trump is like the ex who dumped them. So he is just the worst guy ever until of course, he takes them back because you know they will come crawling on their hands and knees, they always do. Then there was horse face.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CHRIS CUOMO, CNN: Horse face -- that's what the man who holds the seat of Abraham Lincoln said about yet another woman who is in his way.
CHRIS MATTHEWS, MSNBC: Why else would he come across this so spiteful as to make us wonder what was done to this man to make him talk like an eight-year-old crying through his peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Now I'm hungry. So where's the Lemon?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
DON LEMON, CNN: I don't usually like to talk about people's looks. Does he own a mirror? He keeps talk about people gaining weight and how people look. Has he -- does he own a mirror that doesn't have Vaseline over it were a cloth? Donald Trump is no prize.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Oh, I know you are, but what am I? So many broken souls. What do they say to their therapists?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ROSIE O'DONNELL, ACTRESS: I said to my therapist, do you think it is wrong for me to go alone, it's election night and what if he wins, and she said, "You know, Rosie, you've got to stop it. Always the negative takes in your head. Nobody is saying it's going great. You go there and you do your job." I went there and I started -- I actually got physically sick. I got physically sick that night and I thought to myself, "This cannot be happening."
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: That's how I feel when I saw her movies. Anyway, I hate to think what will happen to all of them if Trump gets four more years.
Jimmy, do you think the media can keep up this pace of eternal outrage for four more years? I mean, what could -- this is definitely unhealthy for them.
FAILLA: There's two things they don't get about Trump. One is he has gotten so synonymous with insulting people that people almost want to be insulted now. It's like if Weird Al Yankovic parodies your song, that's how you know you've arrived. People are like, "Do me. Do me. Do me." But I think that is part of it, but with the Joe and Mika thing, and this is what -- I think we can all relate to this, have you ever had a friend tell you about a coworker who is crazy, but the more your friend talks, the more you realize the coworker is perfectly normal and they are bad ass insane. That's who they are.
GUTFELD: That is so true. Because then you meet the friend, the friend is okay and then the person you have been listening to is nuts. Ah yay-yay. Dr. Drew.
PINSKY: I am just saying, I like me some crazy. I'm falling in love with Mika.
GUTFELD: You're really falling for Mika.
PINSKY: And she taught me a new word, too. I've been preoccupied with this word all day.
PINSKY: Quisling. So it turns out, it comes from the World War II comrade from Norway who was at the time thought to be the smartest man the Norwegian military had ever produced.
PINSKY: He knew everything, and made a bad bet. He decided to get in bed with Hitler and to deal with him.
TIMPF: Bad bet.
PINSKY: Bad bet, bad bet, and it became -- so after things didn't work out, quisling became synonymous with traitor. But really, he is a hubristic intellectual.
GUTFELD: Oh wow.
PINSKY: And so to really be a quisling, you have to be just like my love, Mika, to be just like her. So really, as so much of what's going on in the world today, people are seeing projections of themselves and that their own stuff they're reacting against and then calling it out on the other side. That's a way of managing unregulated aggression. It's an unhealthy way to do it, but thank you Mika for the quisling, I love that word.
GUTFELD: That's great. We learned a new word, and we learned lot about Dr. Drew in the process. Tyrus, do you have advice for the media and how to understand Trump?
MURDOCH: You've got to roast him better.
MURDOCH: You've got to have -- if I was going to pick a fight with him or pick an argument with him, I would only do it if I had a book or something coming out. Not yet, so I've got a wait. You've got to play his game better than him, and it's not personal. So when you roast somebody, you pick on somebody, it is all in fun. Like he called home girl a horse face. I had tears in my eyes from my heart. I was crying so hard because it's like, it's such a bad burn.
Like if anybody else said horse face, she would like, "Grow up, jackass." You know what I'm saying, but because he said it, I was like, "He called her horse face." I'm sorry hash tag, not me, we were all laughing. And then you think about it like if you break it down a little bit, she did talk about this ...
GUTFELD: Yes, she talked about this stuff ...
MURDOCH: You know, that's cold-blooded.
FAILLA: She put the Mario cart before the horse.
MURDOCH: It's not a great diss, like, it's not like if you are in the park and you and this guy were going back and forth, "Hey, bigfoot, shut up, horse face." You're supposed to like oh, and everyone starts running around and like, "Don't get on." It was literally, but it's like, did he just say that [bleep]? And it's hilarious, and I love it.
So let's be real, remember kids, the horse is a horn away from being a unicorn, and that's most beautiful thing in the world.
GUTFELD: Kat, you're negative all the time.
GUTFELD: Yes, so do you think the media will ever get tired of Trump? I mean, they need Trump now because they make him feel so awful.
TIMPF: See, I am not going to lie to you, Greg.
TIMPF: I have had a meltdown or two before. I am a passionate person and I live a passionate life.
PINSKY: I believe I see one, too.
TIMPF: Yes, oh, Dr. Drew is the one who gets all of the phone calls during every single one of my meltdowns and the text messages and the flurry of text messages, stream of conscious text messages, emotional topics, a little bit of everything.
But the difference between my meltdown and the meltdowns that the left are having is that I am not proud of myself when I have them. I look at that Kat and I say, "I don't like that Kat very much. What is she doing?" But the people on the left who are having their meltdowns, they think that that makes him some kind of hero.
TIMPF: For having these meltdowns and I have to tell you, if having a meltdown makes you hero, then I recently saw a toddler who wanted juice who really deserves a purple heart.
GUTFELD: There you go. All right, on that note, coming up the midterm elections. I haven't been this excited since this morning when I found a vanilla wafer under my bed. It was delicious, doc.
And don't forget, I'll be doing to live shows in December called "The Gutfeld Monologues Live" in Grand Rapids, Michigan and San Antonio, Texas. The tickets are selling out. Go there immediately. Plus a special guest, Tom Shillue. Don't wait, get your tickets now. Go to ggutfeld.com for ticket info.
ANITA VOGEL, FOX NEWS: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Anita Vogel. President Trump says his administration is eyeing tax cuts for the middle class. The President said they could come in November before the critical midterm election. In December, the President signed a historic tax overhaul which slashed the corporate tax rate from 35 percent to 21 percent. It also temporarily reduced taxes for most individuals. The President says this tax cut would only apply to middle income earners. He made comments to reporters while campaigning in Nevada.
Overseas, a measles outbreak is raging across Europe. There have been 41,000 cases and 40 deaths this year. That's according to the World Health Organization. Experts blame the spike on parents not vaccinating their children and doctors cautioned that the same thing could happen here the US soon. I'm Anita Vogel. Now back to "The Greg Gutfeld Show."
GUTFELD: That Taylor Swift. But, enough about my speedy garment maker. Mercy clapping. Mercy clapping. I will take it anyway. The singer endorsed another Democrat this week, Congressman Jim Cooper, I don't care.
Earlier this month, she endorsed another Democrat, I still don't care. Meanwhile, Texas Congressman Beto O'Rourke is trying to unseat Senator Ted Cruz. He has raised millions. The media has been calling him Kennedy- esque. He sure drives like one.
Speaking of Texas, someone really hates Cruz.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I would be careful. I have about hundred of these. I'm about to put more out.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: All right, well, I'll feel better about this.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I hate Ted Cruz. I hate Ted Cruz. I hate Ted Cruz.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: I've been out Zlarg'ed. I think I found my Halloween costume. Oh my goodness. So as we countdown to the midterms, let's turn to the countdown correspondent, Hourglass Joe. Hourglass Joe, how much time is left until election day in November?
HOURGLASS JOE: Seven hundred billion grains of sand, Greg, seven hundred billion grains until election day.
GUTFELD: How can you be sure of that?
HOURGLASS JOE: I counted them, Greg.
GUTFELD: Seven billion grains of sand. Can you convert that into a measurement that we can actually understand?
HOURGLASS JOE: A little more than two weeks.
GUTFELD: So wouldn't it just be easier for you to say that?
HOURGLASS JOE: You're probably right. This was a dumb idea, Greg.
GUTFELD: It's okay, Joe. So if that's how far we are from November, how far are we from the 2020 election?
HOURGLASS JOES: That would be about 7.5 trillion grains of sand to the third power.
GUTFELD: Actually, Hourglass Joe, it's 745 days, why can't you just say that.
HOURGLASS JOE: Yes, you're right, but I really wasted my life. Why did I count all the sand? I could've had a family, a wife and kids. A real life.
GUTFELD: Joe, what is that in your hand?
HOURGLASS JOE: It's a scorpion, Greg, The deadliest venom on earth. It could kill ten men and I'm going to eat it. My time is up.
GUTFELD: I guess, we lost Hourglass Joe. I don't know what happening to these segments, but they're going in a dark, dark direction.
PINSKY: Well, I felt a little bit better because 700 billion was just slightly more what we're suspended in California to a fast train to nowhere, which is not yet built at all.
GUTFELD: Way to save this segment.
PINSKY: I'm just saying. It made me feel better, but just the 700 billion was a little more. I thought that was about the biggest sum I could think of is what we're spending in California for that train.
GUTFELD: How do you feel about the midterms?
PINSKY: You know, well, I feel like there could be some surprises. I still feel that people are very afraid to say anything of what they intend to do and they may not even know what they intend to do until they get in there. I asked on my radio show today, is Donald Trump affecting you going to the polls? And people were all over the place, but they all said yes, a lot of people are saying because I am angry, sad, and scared of things like a mob coming up through Mexico and the way people behaved around Kavanaugh, so it's motivating both sides.
GUTFELD: Scott Adam said -- what did he say? It might be the biggest turnout in history, and he is never wrong, Tyrus. Never. Tyrus, I know, you're still thinking about the scorpion, aren't you?
MURDOCH: Have you had some weird dreams this week, Greg?
GUTFELD: Yes, I have been using a lot of Zekewill, and I think it's affecting me.
TIMPF: Getting zeked.
GUTFELD: I'm getting zeked.
MURDOCH: Have you been watching a lot of French films? You're all just weird and Don Lemon, that's how I can do -- what was the question?
GUTFELD: I don't remember.
TIMPF: Yes, it wasn't really a question.
MURDOCH: Yes, there was really no question like, is it going to be -- I don't know. There was a scorpion there the whole time? In his pocket?
GUTFELD: Yes, it was.
MURDOCH: Playing with an hourglass and scorpions.
GUTFELD: It took a lot of preparation for this. Don't think about it logically.
MURDOCH: I want you drug tested after the show, man. I'm not going down with this ship, bro. I've got -- I've been fired a lot. I can't put that on my resume.
FAILLA: Oddly enough, he's only one in 1024th high right now.
GUTFELD: Jimmy, don't you feel like we should let the Democrats at least win something maybe before they have a countrywide nervous breakdown?
FAILLA: Well, that's funny because people always say like, "Oh, yes, we're on the verge of a Civil War." No, we're not because a Civil War involves people getting out of their house. You know what I mean? The only way we're fighting a Civil War is if someone builds an app you can fight it on. Fortnight is the Civil War. Fortnight, that's the Civil War right now.
But I love that Taylor Swift came out and made an endorsement. Two days later, he dumped her endorsement for a Katy Perry endorsement, you know, and here we are. But I think it's ridiculous.
And I just think the idea that Hillary is back on the scene and clearly positioning herself for another run, like what is the statue of limitations on her running? How old is she? We're going to be at Trump rallies next year chanting, "Help her up."
GUTFELD: Last words, Kat, thoughts on Taylor Swift or Beto O'Rourke?
TIMPF: Thoughts on Taylor Swift, it's just interesting to me the way that our culture think, "Oh, you look good dancing around in the leotard. I should care what you think about me who is voting." I just don't get it. But voting for me, I guess, it's like every morning, you get out of bed, sometimes you have those thoughts like, "Is what I'm doing, does it really matter?" When I get out of bed on the day where I go vote, I know that it definitely doesn't because I vote libertarian.
GUTFELD: True. I vote New York, so I know it doesn't matter at all. Might as well, just you know, throw it away. No, I don't really vote. Who am I kidding? Up next, Nancy Pelosi says something ridiculous, part 94 of 3000-part series.
She had the gall to blast the wall. Nancy Pelosi is making it clear she won't give an inch for the wall. Then she made it personal.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
HOUSE MINORITY LEADER NANCY PELOSI, D-CALIF.: In my view, it's immoral, expensive, ineffective and it's not something the people do between countries. But any event, it happens to be like a manhood issue for the President and I'm not interested in that.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Crazy, yes, sexist, absolutely. The wall is a manhood issue? I don't understand how. I mean, we're not putting missiles on the border. If anything, the wall is more like a chastity belt. Even more, Pelosi wants to go toe to toe on the wall. Okay, but after two years of a strong economy and low unemployment, you think he's not going to get his wall? The man is on such a winning streak I want him to buy me a Powerball ticket. I'm so convinced he will win, I've already spent the money, spa days for everyone.
I think it is that the death metal that really brings it home. Kat, what would you rather have, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi or a border wall?
TIMPF: So this is the favorite part of my job when Greg asks me about the wall.
TIMPF: Because all of our viewers want the wall and I have to explain that I don't like the wall, I think we could do it in a cheaper way by removing welfare incentives and ending the drug war so that gangs have no reason to come over here and then several people unfollow me on Twitter even though I'm a very nice girl with a very nice family.
What I'm confused about the most with all of this though and Nancy's comments here is that I thought that the left didn't believe in gender at all. Now, walls have gender? And then, I thought that they also didn't believe in gender roles so only men can like the wall? I bet you, I know for a fact that there are some women that support the wall. Probably here. There are some -- there you go. Women who said -- and there are many, many more and they all just unfollowed me on Twitter because of this segment even though I'm a very nice girl with a very nice family.
GUTFELD: Jimmy, what you make of this?
FAILLA: Nancy Pelosi talks a lot of big smack because her party hates her. The only keep her as a friend because she can fundraise. She's like that girl who is a senior that has a car so people hang out with her. Like you can't stand her, but if you can bring your mix tapes and she can hook you up with some beer, you're like, "Yes, I like Nancy." You know what I mean?
And can she -- I mean, can she can relax, too. Because like, she's in her late hundreds. I don't believe she means any of it. But really, you see her up there, I've seen younger faces on money. It is hard for me to watch because I don't want to hate on her. But this is a substantive point, I am going to attempt to make. We are ready have a fence, how did the fence get there?
We had to agree at some point it was worth having a border, so that's how you know this is a charade. When says this is a manhood issue, it is. It's because he's the only one with a manhood to make this promise and follow-through. Forty years of politicians have said let's fix immigration.
MURDOCH: I just wonder what would happen if say, I was on "The Five" and I said, "Oh, the wall, it's a woman thing. It's like a giant pad." Well, damn, I just did it. Oh, yes, right, no it' cool for her though, manhood, right, but we can't make womanhood jokes, #not me.
But this is not -- why are we not -- where are the protests for her? Shouldn't she have to resign? Talking about manhood -- why is there even a talk about manhood? Most of us keep it covered for a reason. If we were proud of it, it would be out all of the time. You know what I'm saying? We don't have low-cut jeans. You know what I am saying?
Our manhood is sacred and they are bashing manhood. I want some protest. Like, she should have to step down. It's only fair.
GUTFELD: It's only fair, doc?
PINSKY: Bless her heart, countries don't have borders? What is she talking about? It's the most bizarre ...
TIMPF: That's literally what -- it's what makes you country.
PINSKY: That's true. First, you draw the border and then you establish your country. But what happened down in Guatemala today? The Hondurans hit a border and a fence and they blew through that fence, a fence that Guatemalans put up. And countries don't put up fences and borders? What is she talking about. It's the most bizarre thing.
I just had to re-up my global access thing. Have you tried to do that?
GUTFELD: It's a pain in the ass.
PINSKY: Oh now, it's like getting around other countries and it's shakedown time. They live in this country and they go to another one. They want your everything.
GUTFELD: That's why I only travel to the middle earth.
MURDOCH: Do you think the Guatemalans wish they had a wall when they ran over their fence? You think they were like, man, we should hit the wall.
FAILLA: You know my favorite part of the whole thing though?
FAILLA: Is everybody says Trump is racist towards Mexicans, so if he gets reelected, they're going to move to Canada. I'm like, "Yo, Mexico is just as close, dude." That's kind of racist on your part.
GUTFELD: And also, why are the Guatemalans happy to be in Mexico?
FAILLA: Oh, I know.
GUTFELD: Why are they like, there's a whole plot of land before California that they could stop and rest in, but they're not because Mexico doesn't want that. Are we all going to end up wearing these soon? God, I hope so.
You want to look stupid and get beaten up a lot? Panasonic is developing this wearable device designed to help you concentrate. Look at that thing. Wear space. It's a headset with blinders to cut down on your peripheral vision and noise canceling technology to block any human interaction. Isn't that great?
The product is meant for people who work in offices with an open floor plan. But it also found, it works wonders at the urinal. It's true. Is it ugly? Yes. But is it impractical also? Yes. Still though, it inspired us to develop our own wearable technology.
If you need, for example to make extra money, try the gun and ski mask. See how simple that is. Do you have trouble going to bed? It sounds like you need our new sleep aid. Yes, it's a fist. We punch you in the face. Finally, suffering from diarrhea? Try this. Yes, anyway.
FAILLA: Tyrus, you were right. You are right man.
MURDOCH: Oh, I've been right. You all want to encourage him.
GUTFELD: All right, let's get through this, okay. We'll have to get out of here and get drunk. Tyrus, would you wear that?
MURDOCH: Would I wear what? No, I've got an entertainment job. I don't sit in an office. This is garbage. I'm not falling for this. This is the man's last attempt, now, you can't see the sexual harasser, now you can't hear him until it's too late and you can't see no witnesses to help testify.
MURDOCH: Cliche, it's the last plague. Put this on darling. That's what it is. This is terrible. For real, in the household. "Honey put this on. I'll be in the other room." Which he means, he'll go to a bar. "Oh don't worry about her, she's got the blinders on, bro. I'm here all night."
GUTFELD: Jimmy, do you think it's a good idea?
FAILLA: No. I mean, I think if you really want to keep coworkers focused, let them talk to their coworkers. Because after two conversations, you never want to talk to them again. We know what they say, every girl needs a friend that will tell them their butt looks big in those pants. Every guy needs a friend that will tell them nobody care about your fantasy football team. You know what I'm saying? I don't care who you're starting.
GUTFELD: I'm tired of, on Monday, people telling me about their past weekend. And then on Friday, them telling you about what they're doing this weekend. Weekends are not important to me, okay. So if -- don't tell me about your weekend, doc.
PINSKY: He's right. You've have gone all the way down to middle earth. But I love these things. They're great. I hate cubicles. Those are impersonal. I love this stuff. It's true.
MURDOCH: This is way more personal, doc?
PINSKY: Way more personal. It's your own little private Idaho, but don't wear it in the elevator, to your point. Don't wear it in the elevator. Who knows what could go down in there, but why not put a feed bag on, too.
GUTFELD: Oh, yes. A feed bag.
PINSKY: Right, put a feed bag on and a blinder, I mean, we're all the way there.
GUTFELD: Oh, that's great, and then like attached to like a diaper.
PINSKY: I knew this ...
MURDOCH: See, doc.
TIMPF: You do not go there.
PINSKY: Catheters, catheters.
GUTFELD: Catheters. We have a lot of commercials for catheters ...
PINSKY: So they are loving this.
GUTFELD: Yes, they are loving this, Kat. I could see you wearing this and have a little built in vaper.
TIMPF: If it had the built-in vape, I mostly inhale nicotine anyway. This show is the one hour a week where I am breathing actual air. So it's very, very good for me. I just think it would be great to just completely wall us off from each other. It would be great for our productivity and also for our souls. This is terrible. You want to know why?
TIMPF: Because I can't see anyone, right? But if I know that everyone else is wearing them, I know they can't see me either, right?
TIMPF: What is there left to stop me from watching "Teen Mom 2" reruns at the office? I'm having a hard enough time as it is, Greg.
GUTFELD: Yes, but see, in technology we would be able to know that. Somebody would be able to know that.
TIMPF: To monitor my behavior?
GUTFELD: I monitor your behavior when you're at work all the time and I know things, Kat. I know things.
TIMPF: I did have a very angry phone call with my dermatologist.
GUTFELD: Oh that was -- I learned a lot about the effects of Accutane.
TIMPF: Yes, Accutane is great because you know what your face feels like if it were in hell without actually having to make the trip.
GUTFELD: Yes, there you go.
FAILLA: I believe that is called watching the Samantha B show.
FAILLA: Wow, Sam B fans -- I should have screamed for that.
GUTFELD: All right, "Final Thoughts," next. Tyrus?
MURDOCH: I don't have a final thought, I have a final gesture.
GUTFELD: Oh, that's nice.
MURDOCH: Because we know it's Kat's birthday.
MURDOCH: And those of us who know Kat, she is always talking about not having friends and stuff, so I brought you a gift that was kind of like a friend, who will always be with you, won't argue with you, will always smile at you, and look, it's even in a depressing bag like you like, so happy birthday. She's going to love this. It's so good.
TIMPF: Oh, my god, it's Tyrus. Thank you. My birthday is not until the 29th, so I got lucky very early. I am going to put this right next to my bed.
MURDOCH: Well, okay, all right.
GUTFELD: You know, it's funny, it's like exactly inversely proportional to you guys in reality.
TIMPF: Now, I finally know what it feels like to be Tyrus.
GUTFELD: All right, doc, anything to plug?
PINSKY: gurudoctor.com. I am going to be writing there soon about the why it is we are as tribal and as crazy as we have gotten. Nobody ever really talks about the underlying issues. I am going to be writing about it there. There are reasons.
GUTFELD: All right, Jimmy?
FAILLA: Two quick plugs, my one-hour stand up special is streaming on Amazon Prime, "State of the Union."
FAILLA: We've decided about that. I'll be headlining the Borgata in Atlantic City on November 11 through the 16th. I am performing until Friday, but Saturday, I'll be performing on the board walk to make back my gambling losses. So use the code word devil's triangle for half off.
GUTFELD: All right, thank you, Dr. Drew Pinsky, Jimmy Failla, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, and our studio audience. I'm Greg Gutfeld and I love you, America.
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