Gutfeld: 2018 was a year of things I never thought I'd see

This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," December 29, 2018. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, HOST: Yes, shut up. I don't know about you, but in 2018, I saw stuff I never thought I would see. The end of "The Jerry Springer Show." I thought that crap would live forever. The revival of "Roseanne," pretty awesome. The cancellation of "Roseanne," and of course, this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Donald Trump has turned the Oval Office into a [bleep].

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: [Bleep] countries.

ANDERSON COOPER, ANCHOR, CNN: [Bleep] countries.

DON LEMON, ANCHOR, CNN: These countries are [bleep].

COOPER: All countries in Africa are [bleep].

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: [Bleep].

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: [Bleep] countries.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I'm a proud [bleep].

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Everyone wants to say bad words on TV, right Dana Perino?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Here he is chasing people around with a reptile, even going into the Walgreens and --

DANA PERINO, HOST: Oh my gosh, what an [bleep].

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Did you ever think you'd hear Dana's swear? Me neither? But she is a filthy, filthy little woman. Also, I never thought to see Miss America ditch the swimsuit competition. What is going on? I never thought I'd see Elizabeth Warren's DNA tests with barely any Native American DNA. I actually have more Native American blood than her. And my last name is Gutfeld.

Yes, how did that happen? Then there were things you didn't want to see, but had to.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: he answered that question. So now the gentleman from Maryland.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That reminds me of the time I sat on a vibrating nail, but if you had said to me, like 10 years ago, one day, the United States President is going to hold a summit with North Korea, I would have laughed so hard, wine would have come out my [bleep].

And then you go, oh, by the way, that President is going to be Donald Trump, but it happened. They met. They had a nice chat. They media, both harrumphed and poo-pooed it, but why no one launched a nuke, right? That's kind of a net gain in my book. And since the meeting, Kim's written some letters to Trump and Trump says he's in love. It's okay with me. in, fact I think we overlook who gets the credit for bringing them together. Yes, Dennis Rodman.

You know, we tried to get him a Peace Prize with this very campaign.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: In 2017, the International campaign to abolish nuclear weapons won the Nobel Peace Prize, but this year that honor should belong to one man and one man only - Dennis Rodman. One look at his impressive resume, and you'll understand why.

Rodman first showed a knack for international diplomacy in 1997, teaming up with the muscles from Brussels, Jean-Claude Van Damme for the groundbreaking film "Double Team." A year later, he married Carmen Elektra, who quickly divorced him because he was too devoted to bringing about world peace. Soon after, he finished his pro career with 11,954 rebounds.

For comparison, the 2007 Nobel Prize winner Al Gore had zero career rebounds. Was he always a dreamer? Was he always a fighter? When people wanted to wear brightly dyed hair in public, Rodman was there. When "Celebrity Apprentice" needed a boost, Rodman was there. And he didn't quit.

When the world needed to solve the problem of North Korea, Rodman was there to save our planet from nuclear annihilation. Dennis Rodman, the clear choice for the 2018 Nobel Peace Prize.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: There's always next year, Dennis. So after Trump met with the enemy, he went to Brussels and met with our allies and gave them some tough love. Remember this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: Many countries are not paying what they should. Frankly many countries owe us a tremendous amount of money for many years back. It's an unfair burden on the United States.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: He wasn't wrong. He had the guts to stand up or sit and speak the truth. Hello, friends. You're not paying your fair share. Ever think you'd see that? We've all been there. You're at dinner with friends 
having burgers and the one who gets the surf and turf says, "Hey, let's split the check four ways." So you do it because no one wants to feel rude by saying, "No, that's not fair." Not Trump. See to Trump, it's not rude if it's right. And with NATO. He was right.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: In a world where many countries aren't paying what they should.

TRUMP: Many countries are not paying what they should.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Where many countries owe us a tremendous amount of money for many years back.

TRUMP: Many countries owe us a tremendous amount of money for many years back.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: One man had a plan to blow the world away.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: He is going to fly into Brussels like a seagull. He is going to defecate all over everything, squawk and fly away.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: When the world try to pass the buck on the good old U.S. of A, a man with a plan brought a storm of logic.

TRUMP: I think that these countries have to step it up not over a 10-year period. They have to step it up immediately.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Nude man on a unicorn snowboarding through a ring of firewall flexing presents: Donald Trump, Angela Merkel, and Ian Ziering as "Steve," Trumpnato, defecating on everything in Brussels like a seagull.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Yes. That's not all. Here is President Trump in the Oval Office with Kanye. Here's Trump with the Queen of England. Never thought I'd see that. Ever think you'd see the Dow hit 25,000? It happened well for a little bit anyway. I don't know where it is now and I'm not looking.

Elon Musk sent his car into space. Sean Penn wrote a lousy novel which wasn't thrilling, but listening to Lou Dobbs read it was.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

LOU DOBBS, HOST: Page 94, silly questions of cherries save, serve to sever any last impression Bob might have had of Spur Lee as a serious citizen. Page 125. There is pride to be had where the prejudicial is practiced with precision and the trench and triage of tactile terminations.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Alliteration is so sexy when it comes from Lou. They changed up my box of animal crackers. John Boehner became an advocate for pots and we heard a whale that can speak English, supposedly. Here's the trainer telling the whale to say one-two. You decide.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: One, two.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: You know what that reminds me of?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Animals are great. Animals are great. Animals are great.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: You know, some amazing stuff happened in 2018. I'm a little sorry to see the year end, but then again 2019 could be even more awesome, but not as awesome as this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: He answered that question, so now the gentleman from Maryland.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I think I'm going to miss him. Let's welcome tonight's guests. She is so sharp, she's not allowed near a waterbed, National Security analyst Morgan Ortagus. After Bon Jovi, he's the funniest thing to come from New Jersey, actor and comedian Jim Florentine. Spreading cheer fills her with fear, "National Review" reporter Kat Timpf. And Old Faithful it is water pick, former WWE superstar and my massive side kick and host of "Un-PC" on Fox Nation, Tyrus.

All right, Morgan, what is your favorite story of the year and why?

MORGAN ORTAGUS, NATIONAL SECURITY ANALYST: I don't know a favorite, but I think what goes down in infamy for me is Secretary Tillerson who is the Secretary of state getting fired on the [bleep].

GUTFELD: Oh yeah.

ORTAGUS: I mean, that's like - you've got to go when you're taking a dump. It's bad.

GUTFELD: I didn't see that coming from you, Morgan,

ORTAGUS: I bring the best out for you.

GUTFELD: You're so nice on "The Five" and then you start swearing and bringing up the horrible biological habits. They're clapping perversion?

ORTAGUS: I have a confession. I find poop humor to be really funny.

GUTFELD: Me, too.

ORTAGUS: Really funny.

GUTFELD: Me, too. I've tried to explain that to Fox News for years.

ORTAGUS: I know. My husband gets mad at me. I think it's very funny.

GUTFELD: No, I know. It's the weirdest thing humans do, right? Do-do. All right, I should shut up now because I'm starting to make people sick. Jim, what did you find humorous or interesting or exciting about this year?

JIM FLORENTINE, AMERICAN COMEDIAN: I love - the Bush funeral when Trump of course how had to show up just to -meet the Obama's and just that shake - that handshake with Michelle and then Barack, and you know they want nothing to do him. The Clintons wouldn't even look over.

GUTFELD: Right.

FLORENTINE: Still kind of look, then he goes, "No, I better not," because Hillary probably kicked him. So don't even look over there.

GUTFELD: Yes, I also liked - you know what I liked about that, too, a lot of people didn't notice it, Dick Cheney in the back, so you're watching Trump and you watch and you can just see Dick Cheney go like this. He's just got that smile like this is going to be great. Or maybe he was just napping. It's hard to tell with him sometimes. He's always comfortable. I'm going to shut up now. Kat? What a year? Any thoughts about what you thought was extra special or unusual?

KAT TIMPF, REPORTER, NATIONAL REVIEW: It was all unusual. I mean, I remember watching that Trump-Kanye meeting with just - I've never seen anything like that in my entire life. And then knowing that that was after he'd already had a meeting with a Kardashian. Yes, it's just like - but it worked. Like we actually got somebody free from prison that I didn't think she'd be there, so that was probably like one of my favorite moments. I might not love the Kardashians, but a big year for me.

GUTFELD: What happened?

TIMPF: I turned 30.

GUTFELD: Oh wow. That's right. That's right.

TIMPF: Yes, my dad when he called me, he didn't wish me "happy birthday," he was just like, "Congratulations. I can't believe you did it."

GUTFELD: Yes. It's 30. I hear 30 is like the new 35.

TIMPF: If you're a woman, yes.

GUTFELD: Yes. Better settle down soon, Kat.

TIMPF: I don't see that happening, Greg.

GUTFELD: All right. Well that's a downer.

TIMPF: Unless you mean with a lizard farm.

GUTFELD: You and your lizards.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: All right, Tyrus. What did you see special about this year?

GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, HOST: You know what? I enjoyed the - I enjoyed a lot of the anchor's reactions and stuff. The world ended like 400 times. We kicked out every time, like, I think Don Lemon was probably my favorite person to watch. His facial expressions, it's "That's it, it's over. Life as we know it, done." ""Oxygen cut off at 6:00 a.m. Water is depleted."

I just enjoy that "Morning Joe" falling apart. Like I wouldn't - I didn't have to watch the actual shows because that would have been sick. But - I'm not sick in a sense like they don't - they're not newsworthy, it's just they are so upset and it's kind of like when you're being - and I've been mean before and like you're winning an argument and you see the person you're arguing was getting upset. You know, "Are you going to cry? You're going to cry?" You know what I am saying?

And you would - and you want them to cry. You need them to cry and with Don Lemon, I didn't have to say, "You're going to cry?" I'm just waiting on the screen. He's going to cry. He is going to cry. He is going to cry. Over something that literally doesn't affect him at all. You know, like it just kills me how much the President of the United States affected everyone's daily life. So not much, but they really, really, really acted like you can smell the fire because literally Satan is coming behind him. Like he is, "This is last broadcast. It's Armageddon is we know it." And then, "Tune in tomorrow."

GUTFELD: What you're saying, that's what I had. I had the contrast between the media reaction and the lack of impact on your life, but your daily life, everything is kind of pretty good. But the media is acting like it is Armageddon, and it's constant. And I will say Trump has responsibility for this because he packed - he packed seven years of news into one year.

He is the Dog Year President, right? Seven years and everyone, and so it's like - it feels like there's a lot going, but your life is fine. Your life is fine. It's just that everybody that's reporting it is having mental breakdowns. I love it.

MURDOCH: If you still have cable? So watch cable to complain? You're okay.

GUTFELD: All right. Up next. Who do progressives want to run against Trump in 2020? Stick around and maybe I'll tell you. That's a tease, people.

(COMMERCIAL)

GUTFELD: I'm going to need a gurney, if it's Trump versus Bernie. A progressive pack. Straw Poll has Bernie Sanders as the leading choice to run in 2020, when he'll be 113. Followed by Joe Biden, Beto O'Rourke, lovely Irish guy; Elizabeth Warren and Kamala Harris. Liz Warren, yes. I love that.

Now, of course it's a long way to 2020 and early polls like this usually don't reflect who becomes the nominee, but Bernie is still a popular guy among progressives and to be honest, I'd watch the hell out of the Trump and Bernie show. It would be like watching those old Muppets in the balcony complain about everything.

Remember Bernie won a lot of primaries when he ran against Hillary who is not in that Straw polls top five, which is no surprise, I guess. Unless of course you're Hillary.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

HILLARY CLINTON, FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE: Why aren't I 50 points ahead you might ask?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I want her to run, just so she does that again. All right. Jim, what is your prognosis? Is that the right phrase?

MURDOCH: Sounds good.

FLORENTINE: Probably. Bernie is going to be 79 when he is going to run at 2020. Biden is going to be 78. They like O'Rourke because he's young. He is tall. He looks like a Kennedy. He could read off a teleprompter. You know, that's why I loved Obama, he could read off a teleprompter. He reading someone else's lines of yours. And they love that. So I don't know. I mean, Bernie. Maybe. The only thing positive, like look if Bernie wins the election in 2020, my son is going to college right at that time, so he will go for free.

So all that money I put away in my college fund, I'll buy a boat.

GUTFELD: And you can name it Bernie.

FLORENTINE: Yes, I can name it Bernie.

GUTFELD: Bernie. "Thank you, Bernie" Could be the name of the boat. Kat, you're not getting a boat are you? You don't like water?

TIMPF: I like water, fine.

GUTFELD: Oh, no. I've never seen you drink it. I don't know what I'm talking about right now.

TIMPF: I prefer vitamin water zero. You know, I just loved - I mean, things are clearly going very well for the Democrats when the best option they have is a guy that doesn't understand how math works, right? Like, I'm sure he's probably trying to buy like a private jet with a $5.00 bill.

MURDOCH: I could give a rat's ass about the 2020 race because I'm living in the now. It is 2019. So I really don't care - or it's going to be 2019. I am really not concerned with who's in a poll now. Have we not learned anything about polls? Literally? No one - anyone here answer their home phone anymore? No, exactly. And if someone calls you and says "Hi, you've got a minute to talk about," "Click." I mean.

So the people who are actually answering these polls have a lot of time on their hands and chances are, they're not who we would want telling us who's going to run. Bernie gets a lot of sympathy. Why? Because he was duped and robbed by his own party. So regardless of his age - I think, age, we've got to watch that because if he's - you can't really - I mean, President Trump is older, too. I think, he's got his faculties together and he's in 70s you know, whatever. But I think the Democrats are going to be a situation like with John McCain, they kind of felt like that he got snubbed and he the way he was treated when he ran against Bush, so they kind of like, yes, we'll let him run.

Honestly also, I don't think any Democrat with a brain is going to want to run against President Trump because the chances are just - you're going to waste it. So why not give it to somebody that like, "I like Bernie." It's his turn. It's his due. Let him have it. If he wins, great; because I think most of the real players of the Democratic Party can probably wait - wait it out.

GUTFELD: Interesting. What do you make of that Morgan?

ORTAGUS: So I think it's interesting that the party that most identifies with identity politics has three white guys at the top.

GUTFELD: Amazing.

TIMPF: But that is against their religion.

ORTAGUS: Yes, that's weird. The person I feel bad for the most is Hillary and I know you're not going to understand or you're not going to side with me on this. But you know, when I was like a long time ago, when I was young and much thinner, I competed in beauty pageants. I was competing in this pageant and to go to Miss America, when they had the swimsuit competition, so stupid that they took it out.

Anyway, so there was always a girl who like came back every year, and she would get like runner up or in the top 10, but she would never win and she would come back year after year, and we always felt really bad for her. And so I think Hillary Clinton is just sort of like a really bad beauty pageant contestant.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: You know, wait, they just applauded for Hillary Clinton. Wow, I've seen it all. I can go now.

GUTFELD: Well, yes. You know, my theory, I use this theory. It's my theory of contrast, Trump won because of the 20 candidates. He made the other 19 seem identical, because he was so different and there are studies on this, so it's - I have a feeling that they're going to have 19-20 Democrats and somebody who's going to be completely different and stand out.

I don't know who that is. But maybe it's Donald Trump. Maybe he could switch parties and run against himself. Has anybody ever done that before?

ORTAGUS: I think Bloomberg is going to buy the primary.

GUTFELD: Oh, there you go.

ORTAGUS: That's my prediction. He's going to put - how much money did he put into running the mayor? Like a billion dollars to run just for mayor?

GUTFELD: If he could do it and he is not getting any younger, either. Another white male, I might add.

ORTAGUS: Why not? I'm married to one.

GUTFELD: I think the Republicans running for atheists. Right? All right. Up next, our favorite fake commercials of the year. Stick around. Stick around.

(COMMERCIAL)

ANNA KOOIMAN, CORRESPONDENT: Good evening and live from "America's News Headquarters, " I am Anna Kooiman. A grandmother and two children are among the victims of a quadruple homicide in Missouri. Authorities say a St. Louis man shot his girlfriend, two children, eight and 10 years old and the woman's mother in the home they all shared. Investigators say Richard Darren Emery exchanged gunfire with police and attempted a carjacking stabbing that victim before being taken into custody several hours later. He's facing multiple charges, including first degree murder.

An American doctor who may have been exposed to the ebola virus in the Congo is back in the U.S. He is being monitored at a Nebraska hospital. The Doctor who has not yet been identified is not showing any symptoms. More than 350 people have died in the Ebola crisis currently affecting the Democratic Republic of Congo.

I'm Anna Kooiman and now, back to "The Greg Gutfeld Show." For all your news headlines, log on to foxnews.com.

GUTFELD: Over the course of the year, we sometimes forget about all the great videos we made. I'm especially prone to memory loss ever since I drank that whole bottle of shampoo. So without further ado, let's take a look back at some of our favorite videos of 2018. This one is called Trump blockers.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: We're not letting people into our country unless they come in legally. And we want people to come in through merit.

TOM SHILLUE, HOST: I can't stand this guy. He says terrible things, none of which are correct by the way.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: About the immigrants? Obama made the same point in like 2005.

SHILLUE: Really? It just sounds so much worse coming from him.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Having trouble admitting Trump is right sometimes?

SHILLUE: Yes, I am. Even when he has a point. I just hate it when he says it.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Sounds like you need Trump blockers.

SHILLUE: Trump blockers? What are those?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Trump blockers are the hottest shades that make you think a politician like said something instead of Donald Trump. Just put these glasses on and you'll instantly see the truth from who you want to hear from.

TRUMP: I built an unbelievable company, a great company. I filed papers with Federal Election. You don't build companies like that unless you have the right temperament.

Republicans want to protect Medicare for our great seniors who have earned it and who have paid for it all their lives.

SHILLUE: Wow, that makes sense.

TRUMP: Women's unemployment has just fallen to 3.6%, which is only the lowest rate in 65 years. I'm sorry.

SHILLUE: Wow, that's a good point.

TRUMP: The elite, the elite. Why are they elite? I have a much better apartment than they do. I am smarter than they are. I am richer than they are.

SHILLUE: How does Obama come up with this stuff?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So get your Trump blockers today?

SHILLUE: I love my Trump blockers, but there is one side effect, even what I'm not wearing them. Hey, Jimmy, how was your weekend?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: And you know, the end of the week I meet with China, I meet with a lot of other countries that have not treated us too well. But we're doing extremely well.

SHILLUE: See what I mean. Hey, Kat, cat looking good.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Other than the blonde hair when I was growing up, they said I looked like Elvis. Can you see that?

SHILLUE: Totally. Thanks, Trump blockers.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That is one of the creepiest things we've ever done because it worked. It actually worked like it - when you put it together, it's almost like the perfect candidate. No. Okay, I'll shut up then. Kat?

TIMPF: My favorite is the movie trailer we made for a James Bond that refuses to drink, gamble or be promiscuous. Take a look.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: This Christmas, Bond is back like you've never seen him before.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You hungry? I had an extra one.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You're not going to hurt me?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Of course not. Violence is so uncivilized.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It's the same James Bond you know and love, rewritten to please even the most progressive socially conscious movie goer in 2018.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What will it be, sir? Let me guess? Martini, shaken not stirred.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Latte, soy latte. Extra decaf.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Extra decaf?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Are the beans sustainably sourced? I only drink organic farm raised homegrown cruelty-free coffee.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I have no idea.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: With intrigue and suspense.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Your move 007.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Is it? No, seriously, is it? I don't know how to play this game. I saw it at a TED Talk recently that competitive activities only encourage toxic masculinity and marginalized disenfranchised communities into unjust hierarchical structures reinforced by a bigoted and corrupt system.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You're bluffing.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What's a bluff?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: And it isn't a Bond film without seduction.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Well, James, I've had a really lovely evening. Care to come inside?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You know, I don't appreciate the heteronormative assumptions in your proposition. It's regressive anti-neo feminist rhetoric like that that perpetuates a patriarchal society of oppression and gendered subjugation, not the least of which, I care to contribute to.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: You could have just said "No."

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: So get ready for the most politically correct secret agent of all time. No guns, no gambling, no girls. It's James Bond in "The Spy Who Consensually Agreed In Writing She Loved Me."

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You must be Q?

GUTFELD: It's LGBTQ now.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: But of course.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Pretty good. I like that one. Any comments? Anybody care.

FLORENTINE: I like Tom Shillue's acting and the first one. I think he should be nominated.

GUTFELD: I know. Tom is a great commercial actor. You know what he's good at, turning a corner. Like I tried to have in every commercial to walk and then turn like it was, "Hey," he's always like this. He's great at turning.

MURDOCH: It's like Blue Steel.

GUTFELD: Yes, he is like Blue Steel.

MURDOCH: Don't forget our sound guy Deon. He was phenomenal as the semi-homeless pirate sounding guy.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes ...

MURDOCH: Please don't hurt me.

GUTFELD: Like a Liverpool accent.

ORTAGUS: That like the most like sexually unappealing character I've ever seen. No, thank you. I'll take my politically incorrect James Bond.

GUTFELD: Yes, who wouldn't? Am I right? All right, Tyrus your next.

MURDOCH: What's my favorite? I'm going to go with the one where we take a look at the modern progressive version of Santa Claus. Check it out.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What the hell are you doing? This is a living thing you murderer. It came from Mother Earth, organic and pure from the divine soil of our planet.

TIMPF: The Christmas tree.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Holiday tree. Don't you care about deforestation? You're contributing to a global epidemic.

TIMPF: But it's a tradition.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Tradition has been used to embroil hatred and justify oppression of minority groups, not to mention the unregulated growth of global corporations.

TIMPF: Who the hell are you? How did you get in here?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I'm taking this.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Honey, it's beautiful.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Absolutely not. This kind of elitist gift-giving is a hallmark of the bourgeois.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What are you doing?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I'm going to redistribute this.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You ruined it.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Well now we can all enjoy the necklace.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What the hell is this, huh?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh, hey Santa. A little something from the kids.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Call me Kris, all right, with a K. Seriously, cookies. I'm gluten-free, Brent. Don't you know anything about the sugar industry in this country? They've manipulated studies and politicians for years to cover up for their poisonous products, not to mention their role in the obesity epidemic and increased mortality rates from heart disease. I'll take a kale smoothie.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: How about a carrot for the reindeer?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I don't use reindeer, okay, that's animal cruelty I drive a Chevy Volt.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Okay, it's time to meet Santa Claus - ho, ho, ho, ho.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Whoa, whoa. Not okay. First of all ho is misogynist slander. Secondly, kids aren't sitting on my lap.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: But he just wants to show you his Christmas list.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Well, he'll have to sign a consent form establishing in writing that all parties involved knew hereby agree and affirm that lap sitting is of a professional and platonic nature. Now, can you sign right here? And we need your social Security Number right there please. Sign 
there. Yes, initial here. Yes, right here, your mother's maiden name. Uh-huh and right there. Yes, and an initial right here please. Great. Just initial right here, too, please. Okay, and right here, can you just sign. Yes, and right there.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: All right, I love that. That was awesome. That was my kind of Santa. All right, up next, the most innovative segment in television history. Yes. It's the time when we read your viewer mail.

(COMMERCIAL)

GUTFELD: And now for the segment you have written for us, and we're not paying you, "Viewer Mail." Everyone gets to answer. So here we go. Terry wants to know if asked, "Would you ever host the Oscars?" Because I don't know. Maybe they don't have a host yet. I'm going to ask you Jim. Because you're in the entertainment world. You're a comedian. You would never last would you?

FLORENTINE: No.

GUTFELD: No, you would be out in a second.

FLORENTINE: In a second? They can go back to my last tweet a half hour ago and I'd be fired.

GUTFELD: Do you want to know what's interesting? What if we decided to purge all your tweets, then that would be a signal that you were hiding something, right?

FLORENTINE: Yes, like - and they can always find them. They dig somewhere. They go somewhere in some database and they dig them up and find out, but --

GUTFELD: What kind of person - like I always sort of - who is the type of person who has the time to go back and like go through your garbage?

ORTAGUS: Oh, right.

GUTFELD: Like your tweets. Your tweets are essentially the garbage can of your words and people go through it and they try to find stuff. It's terrible, Morgan.

ORTAGUS: Intern?

GUTFELD: Interns. No, it's actually adults. These are grown people, Morgan. Would you host the Oscars?

ORTAGUS: I don't think I'd be very interesting, but sure, I would. Why not? I think that'd be fun.

GUTFELD: You didn't think that much about this, did you?

ORTAGUS: No. I would do it.

GUTFELD: No. Kat?

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes, why?

TIMPF: Attention.

GUTFELD: Of course. It would be terrible though. It would be terrible attention. It would be the worst thing that ever happened to you.

TIMPF: Yes, well I don't know about that.

GUTFELD: Maybe the top five?

TIMPF: Yes, maybe top five.

GUTFELD: Yes, okay. What about you, Tyrus?

MURDOCH: I'd do it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Yes, and I'd behave the entire time and then right before, well, I probably shouldn't tell you, but I'm going to keep it real at the end. I'll walk off and I'll tell - I'll leave - I'll be like - I won't even wait for the envelope, I'll be like "Color Purple bot it again, guys."

FLORENTINE: They don't pay a lot either. I think it's like $15,000.00.

GUTFELD: Yes.

FLORENTINE: To pay the host. I get more doing this show.

GUTFELD: Yeah, it's true. That's true. You know, Morgan actually is getting paid less, so now I'm in a lot trouble. She gets 70% of that.

MURDOCH: So is Kat and Tyrus.

FLORENTINE: Wow, I thought it was favor nations around here. Sorry.

GUTFELD: Alright, William asks, kind of a serious question. Can you tell us about a teacher who influenced you the most? Kat.

TIMPF: Well, I was homeschooled for two years.

GUTFELD: Really?

TIMPF: Fourth and fifth grade so I would say Dad Timpf would be the teacher who influenced me the most.

GUTFELD: Is that a good idea?

TIMPF: Yes, it was a really good idea.

GUTFELD: Why only two years then?

TIMPF: Then I wanted to go back to school - the normal school, but it was good. It helped me people to study things I had an interest in and --

GUTFELD: Like television.

TIMPF: ... to learn math in a different way and I was able to be in community theater and all those kinds of things.

GUTFELD: Wow, you were in community theater when you're in fifth grade?

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: God, you were a strange kid.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: You were homeschooled and in community theater. Tyrus? Any teacher?

MURDOCH: Yes, 100% my English and drama teacher Mrs. Mahl who said, "You're never going to get through life being a class clown." Boom.

GUTFELD: Well done. Jim?

FLORENTINE: I would say my history teacher in sixth grade. She took us all to Madison Square Garden to go see pro wrestling. We were all wrestling which was great. We became friends with her throughout and when we turned 18, she took me and like four other guys to our first go-go bar. It was great. I got bought a lap dance.

MURDOCH: And he ended up my previous clap. I'd like to take my clap out.

GUTFELD: I never thought that was possible, Morgan.

ORTAGUS: Wine has nothing to do with strippers. But my chorus teacher in high school because I came from a small town. My parents didn't go to college and my choir teacher really like helped, you know, show me the arts and showed me - opened me up to a whole different world. And so it was the music that really took me you know, took my career.

GUTFELD: Oh, fantastic.

ORTAGUS: Yes.

GUTFELD: I didn't know that. Interesting.

ORTAGUS: I could sing for you if you want.

GUTFELD: No, thanks. I don't know who - I don't know if this actually was an influence. But I had a teacher, a male teacher and I walked in on him while he was kissing another man. And I was very young and I learned about a whole new thing in life that I didn't know about.

ORTAGUS: Yes, that's really personal, Greg.

GUTFELD: No, I don't think it was - I don't think it was personal. I just thought it was like - I was thinking like wow, that was like amazing. I didn't know that existed before.

FLORENTINE: Did you say anything when you walked in?

GUTFELD: I said - no, I just told everybody. Told everybody in the school, "I saw Mr. So and So kissing a guy." Anyway, next question. It happened. From Damon, if you could travel back in time just once what event would you change and why? How about you, Tyrus?

MURDOCH: I would go back and tell Tom Brady to catch the damn ball.

GUTFELD: That's pretty --

MURDOCH: I'm dead against going back in time because - I hate people who their whole life is like, "If I could just go back," you know. I don't want to be an Uncle Rico from "Napoleon Dynamite," so I would just go back and make sure the Super Bowls are good or maybe not go to that bar that night and I met that really angry person I was with for a long time and then we divorced. I would have made a left that night instead of a right.

GUTFELD: That's what life is all about, making - you never know what happens, Morgan? What would you change?

ORTAGUS: I agree with Tyrus. You can't change anything, but I would be like fascinated to go back when the country was founded like Washington and the Founding Fathers, being there whenever they're writing the Constitution. That would be amazing.

MURDOCH: Agents throw you out of the room.

ORTAGUS: I would change that though.

MURDOCH: What are you doing making eye contact, woman? Remove her immediately. You know what, stone her.

ORTAGUS: Maybe, I'll talk to the men.

MURDOCH: They didn't stone women, Tyrus. Jim?

FLORENTINE: Probably a sporting event. Football. My football team winning a Super Bowl just one.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes.

FLORENTINE: You know, you've just been way - I'm in Miami Dolphin fan, I've been waiting. Waiting and waiting, and it's just ever going to happen. If they just gave me one.

GUTFELD: That's - that's kind of selfless. What about you, Kat?

TIMPF: There are hundreds of text messages.

GUTFELD: Oh, yes.

TIMPF: That I would in retrospect, not send.

GUTFELD: Yes. To one person.

TIMPF: To one person on the same evening, yes.

GUTFELD: God. Wonder what it would be like to be the recipient of that? It must be just --

TIMPF: A blessing?

GUTFELD: Like pelted - like verbal hail.

TIMPF: Oh, I will text you into the ground.

MURDOCH: It's a lot of information.

GUTFELD: Yes.

ORTAGUS: I think Chris Steyer said it best "defecating like a seagull."

GUTFELD: Yes, there you go. You know, if I could change - go back in time, I would change - I would make sure I was born later, so I'd be younger.

FLORENTINE: How young?

GUTFELD: Maybe move it up 15 years.

MURDOCH: You'd like change your parents, you'd be like, maybe a little more ...

GUTFELD: No, keep the same thing. Keep the same thing. But I'd just move myself up so I can get an extra 15 years. If I could change anything. That would be interesting. All right that obviously met with totally indifference. Carl asks, other than Star Wars, what is your least favorite movie love story? Love story, your least favorite love story? Kat?

TIMPF: Anything except for "Happy Gilmore."

GUTFELD: Okay. Anything for except for it. Alright, so that's kind of a weird answer.

TIMPF: Well, it was a fast answer, so I gave plenty of time for others to answer.

GUTFELD: Jim?

FLORENTINE: I would say "The Bridges of Madison County." That was the one where - one dud that Clint Eastwood did in his whole career. I just saw his new movie. It was great. But that's the one. That was almost like Metallica doing that album with Lou Reed.

GUTFELD: Lou Reed.

FLORENTINE: Yes, it was just a big mistake.

GUTFELD: Yes, you know people shouldn't step out of their wheelhouse. It gets embarrassing. Morgan?

ORTAGUS: Okay, "Love actually." Yes, movie "The Love Actually" movie, but specifically where the guy, his wife dies and he ends up with the supermodel. Remember at the end, it's like so unrealistic. And you felt bad for him, because his wife died in the story.

GUTFELD: Right? I hated that movie with every fiber of my being.

ORTAGUS: Why?

GUTFELD: It's one of the worst movies ever made. Historically. They even go like even before there were movie so, we're talking about how bad love actually would be.

ORTAGUS: Yes.

MURDOCH: I agree. There's a lot of lot of horrible people in that movie to do that behind your bros back. You're in his wedding.

GUTFELD: Oh, I know with the little cards.

MURDOCH: And you're sitting there with the cards. Man, there wouldn't be enough time in the day for me to whoop his ass. I mean, I would - it would be a national holiday where every day I would slug him in the face.

GUTFELD: Yeah. And you know what else? It was like - it was - it started that whole trend of videos where people were writing things, like this, like Bob Dylan did with "Subterranean Homesick Blues," that should have ended there. Okay, one more question from Jill, have you ever thought of running for office? Tyrus?

MURDOCH: My past is like it makes Donald Trump look like a saint, so probably not. Maybe some people will say some things.

GUTFELD: Yes, Kat?

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes. You have thought about it. And yet, will you?

TIMPF: Maybe, there's sounds like a lot of attention there, too.

GUTFELD: Interesting. Just for the attention.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes. Jim?

FLORENTINE: In my past, too, probably. But I would just come out and have a big press conference and say "Look, I did this, I did this, I did this." Just let me know right now, so I don't waste my time.

GUTFELD: Just let me know right now. Morgan?

ORTAGUS: I definitely thought about running when I was younger. Sure.

GUTFELD: You act like your old or something?

ORTAGUS: Well, no. I mean, I would have no interest in it now. But I thought about it.

GUTFELD: You know what I realized? I couldn't be - a run for office is because if you notice every - it's not the politician who gets in trouble. It's all of his friends, right. In the investigations, all their friends are fixers or they're kind of shady. I have a lot of those friends and I'm a giver. You know, I don't want to - I want to protect my disgusting slime ball friends. There are about a hundred of them.

ORTAGUS: That is very noble of you.

GUTFELD: Yes, that is. See.

ORTAGUS: I think you should run for office.

GUTFELD: Yes. All right, up next. A new study shows that we drink twice as much during the holidays. That's all I think we need to try harder.

(COMMERCIAL)

GUTFELD: Holiday cheer means drinking more beer. A new survey shows Americans drink double the amount of alcohol over the holidays than any other time of the year which means I'm twice as drunk right now. The average American has four drinks in a regular week, who are these weak people? That doubles to eight drinks a week, which is my - not even up to mark with what I do from Thanksgiving to New Year's. The survey also reveal the average American will attend three times more social functions and parties, not me. Which leads to being late for work three times more than usual and calling out sick twice over the holidays. Which is better than rolling into work like this.

Kat, that is you every work day morning, right?

TIMPF: No, just because I'm wearing a coat doesn't mean --

GUTFELD: Jim? Twice as much. It seems kind of low to me. Especially when you get a low number like four drinks a week. That's crazy, right.

FLORENTINE: That is low, but I think maybe when they go to a highlight party, like an office party. I think people feel like they're underpaid. So they're going to drink more because it's an open bar to stick it to the boss. So they will drink more on that. But I drink actually less around the holidays because I don't like holiday drinks.

GUTFELD: Yes, eggnog?

FLORENTINE: Yes, no eggnog, no Christmas ale. I don't want eggs in my alcohol.

GUTFELD: I think it's disgusting to mix food and booze. It grosses me out. I don't even like the chocolates that have booze in them. That makes me sick. I think it's sacrilege. You've got keep that crap separate.

FLORENTINE: Yes, I mean it like a Christmas, ale, "Oh, it's delicious." Yes, because it's got candy in it. Of course, it's going to be good.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

FLORENTINE: By the third Christmas ale, you're bouncing off the walls from the sugar high.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's true.

FLORENTINE: I don't want seasonal stuff. You know, if it's seasonal, if it was that good, they would sell it year around.

GUTFELD: That is exactly. That's my --

FLORENTINE: I like Heineken - I like Heineken beer. I could get one in July and December. Perfect.

GUTFELD: Morgan? Do you drink more during the holidays? Or less?

ORTAGUS: Definitely.

GUTFELD: Yes.

ORTAGUS: Yes, well, I actually - I am drunk right now, too. Just kidding. I think it's all - it's not just the parties. It's also like, I love my family. We all have our families. But by the end of like a day, the end of several days over Thanksgiving or Christmas with your family. Like I brought over for Thanksgiving - I brought over chocolate bourbon pecan pie and a big bottle of bourbon and I was the most popular member of the family and Thanksgiving this year, so it's parties but it's also just too much family time.

GUTFELD: Yes, you know families are hard, but that's why we invented booze, Tyrus.

MURDOCH: Yes, I will literally sit in a chair similar to this with a bottle of Jack and stare people and drink, just so I don't have to have their stupid holiday questions. The idea is to not have a conversation.

GUTFELD: I got you.

MURDOCH: So you know, it just so happens that most of the people I dated are from different races, so people get uncomfortable and walk away if I make it a black thing because nobody wants to touch that. Plus, I have a large bottle of dark alcohol with a shirt that says "Please, don't let him drink dark alcohol." If he does drink alcohol, here's the emergency number to call, while I sit there and drink and stare at everybody.

GUTFELD: You drink nothing but white Russians.

MURDOCH: I'm sorry. Date white Russian?

GUTFELD: You drink. Every time I've been with you, you have white Russians.

MURDOCH: Yes, that's because I don't want to get drunk and get real with you. So I just sip on candy drinks. If I drink the stuff I like to drink it. It would be a different conversation and probably a lot of you right here. I can't breathe. Didn't ask you. Like it's -- I am just -- I don't like holidays. I can't stand them. So I try to be the worst guy in the room that nobody bothers where they whisper like, "Just leave him alone." Like, "You know how he is."

GUTFELD: I'm the garage drinker. You know what I mean?

MURDOCH: Yes, I will find a place to hide.

GUTFELD: Yes, it's like you just like go "Excuse me? Where's the garage?" And then you never come back. Chances are they have the second fridge. Every garage has a second fridge and you open it up and there's other stuff in there that they were hiding from people like me, right? Everything the second fridge ...

MURDOCH: And you usually find guys who are hiding like you, so you form like a little bit of bottle --

GUTFELD: Oh, you find somebody who's just as anti-social and then you kind of go, but then, something - like 20 minutes and you figure out that guy's weird, too.

MURDOCH: Yes.

GUTFELD: Also, he starts telling you that he just got out, and it's not and it's not jail.

MURDOCH: Yes, then you go, "I'm going back inside and just ..."

GUTFELD: Yes, I'm going to go hide. I don't know. I actually drink less because it's impossible for me to drink more.

TIMPF: Right me, too. If I drink twice as much as I normally do, I'd die.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. All right, on that note, our "Final Thoughts" of the year is next. But importantly, two more shows. Two more shows have been added for the "Gutfeld Monologues Live," both are in Florida. Saturday, March 2nd and Tampa; Sunday March 3rd in West Palm Beach. Plus special guest, Tom Shillue. I'm telling you now so you've got more than enough time to get tickets go to ggutfeld.com for ticket info.

(COMMERCIAL)

GUTFELD: All right, Tyrus?

MURDOCH: Okay. I am going to be a man alone in Time Square standing there against the world complaining about "Look guys, New Year's Eve ball. Smile everybody. Cheer on," on Fox News. Maybe a special guest, we don't know, but working on that, but yes, so New Year's Eve come hang out with me while we judge everybody and complain about, "Wow, ball dropping. So awesome. The world is changing. It's amazing."

We'll do some scavenger hunts. We'll do some fun stuff and hang out with people who aren't wearing their pants because they won't give up their spots so they pee on themselves.

GUTFELD: True. He is not lying. He is not lying. And you have as about as such enthusiasm about this as I did when I did it.

MURDOCH: Yes, 100%. Yes, I thought - I thought I was out and they brought me back in.

GUTFELD: Jim any upcoming dates?

FLORENTINE: My books is in stores, "Everybody is Awful Except You." And February 2nd, I am at the Newtown Theater in Newtown, Pennsylvania.

GUTFELD: Fantastic.

FLORENTINE: Two shows that night.

GUTFELD: Good for you. All right, thank you Morgan. Good job, tonight. Rarity. Jim Florentine, Kat Timpf, Tyrus. Studio audience. Happy New Year, everyone. I'm Greg Gutfeld. I love you, America. 
 
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