Do you wake up in a sweat overcome with regret?
A new survey shows 4 out of 10 people regret how they've lived their lives.
This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," July 27, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOE SCARBOROUGH, MSNBC HOST: Moscow Mitch said, it's a hoax. Moscow Mitch says it's a hoax.
DONNY DEUTSCH, MSNBC HOST: Joe, I love that you're calling him Moscow Mitch because frankly, it's a continuation of something that you showed --
SCARBOROUGH: What am I supposed to call him, Cocaine Mitch?
DEUTSCH: It's a --
SCARBOROUGH: You know, people call him Cocaine Mitch. Maybe -- I don't know. Maybe he's right. I mean, he's only Cocaine Mitch, if he is running cocaine to Moscow, because he is Moscow Mitch.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GREG GUTFELD, HOST: And he is Morning Bozo.
(Laughter)
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: Well, they called it a hearing, but it was more like, hard of hearing.
(Laughter)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ROBERT MUELLER, FORMER SPECIAL COUNSEL: Can you repeat the question, sir? Could you repeat that, please?
Can you repeat that for me?
Could you repeat that, ma'am?
Can you repeat the last part of that question? I apologize.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Sure.
MUELLER: Can you start it again?
I'm sorry. Could you again repeat the question?
I'm sorry, what was the -- what was the question?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Now, it could be that he was trying to run out the clock because for every repeat question he asked, you lose the time available for a new question. I tried this when Fox News questions the purchases on my corporate credit card.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: I purchased a lot of leather goods for charitable purposes. But man, did that hearing tank? How bad was it? Worse than this?
[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]
GUTFELD: Worse than this.
[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]
GUTFELD: And worse than this.
[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]
GUTFELD: Yes, at least the media took it well.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JEREMY BASH, MSNBC NATIONAL SECURITY ANALYST: I thought he was boring. He kind of sucked the life out of the report.
JEFFREY TOOBIN, CNN LEGAL ANALYST: Let's not kid ourselves. This has been a wall to wall failure.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: This whole hearing that we watched today was pretty close to a disaster.
RYAN LIZZA, CNN POLITICAL COMMENTATOR, CHIEF POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT, ESQUIRE MAGAZINE: I think history will judge Mueller somewhat harshly here.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: If any one of those people knew that this is what would happen today. Shame on them.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: No, shame on you, you [bleep] for building this up like it was the Second Coming. Remember the hype leading up to this crap? The Dems and the media thought they were getting a puppy for their birthday, instead they got rabies.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: They wanted the "Godfather" and got "Godfather III."
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: They wanted "Jerry Maguire" and instead, Jerry Springer. You could feel the soul-crushing disappointing. It's like when your date shows up and she doesn't look at all like her picture in her online profile. You know, you expect this, and instead you get this.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: I tricked a few. I could have been more honest. So, it's not Mueller's fault. No, it's the media who encouraged the Dems to pursue this circus. I call it stupid on stupid crime. No wonder nothing was in his purview.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
MUELLER: This is outside my purview.
It's outside my purview.
It's outside my purview.
Outside my purview.
It's not within my purview.
That's beyond my purview.
It's not within my purview.
This is still outside my purview.
As I said before, I'm saying again, it's not my purview.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Oh, purview. Now, there is an idea for a show, starring cats with strong political opinions.
(Laughter)
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: It's so bad. I don't need your pity applause. I do need it. All right. But it was never about collusion. That was just a charade used to nail Trump.
Remember, the media frothing now over Russia are the same jerks who mocked those who fought communism when the USSR was eight times larger, but I get it, the Dems have a problem in that America has no problems, except the ones that Democrats create. So, do the Democrats have nothing?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT: The Democrats had nothing. And now they have less than nothing.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: And you still ask the question, you know why?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TRUMP: And you still ask the question. You know why? Because you are fake news. And you're one of the most -- and let me just tell you, the fact that you even asked that question, you're fake news, because you know what? He totally corrected himself in the afternoon, and you know that just as well as anybody.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: In case you missed it again, you're fake news.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TRUMP: Again, you're fake news and you're right at the top of the list also. That's why people don't deal with you because you're not an honest reporter.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Why would he say that? No, no, a very dumb and very unfair question.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TRUMP: No, no, a very dumb and very unfair question. So, you shouldn't even ask that question because you know it's a --
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: I wonder if you were untruthful when you asked that question.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TRUMP: You're untruthful when you asked -- you are untruthful when you ask that question. And if you were ever truthful, you'd be able give the right question.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: So, who's done a great job?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TRUMP: The administration, our President, me, we've done a great job.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: "Me." "Me. The President, me." They're having fun. I mean, the Trump campaign is now selling plastic straws. The first batch sold out. It's a great idea. Take something the left demonizes and poke them in the eyes with.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: It made 200 grand, but it also exposes the left's absurd priorities. Think about what liberal policies have led to. They've ruined cities, screwed up law enforcement, handicapped borders, eliminated jobs, created education and housing bubbles. But a turtle might get a straw on the eye.
Believe me, I love turtles, the soup is not bad. But more turtles get run over by liberals on their way to their homes in the Hamptons than by straws.
(Laughter)
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: Meanwhile, Trump shows how the new Republican Party can harness the power of mockery, along the turfs solely owned by the smirking left. Now, the Libs are cranky old farts shaking their rake at those teens on skateboards and the right are the ones laughing their asses off, sipping whiskey from plastic straws.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: But, you know the Trump campaign shouldn't stop with the straws. I see a whole product rollout based on scary stuff.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ANNOUNCER: Missed out on the awesome Trump straws? Well, you're in luck because the all new line of 2020 Trump campaign merch is here, including lawn darts. The toy your parents never wanted you to have, but you're an adult now, so who cares what they think.
Rotten eggs. Proven to fly 50 percent further than fresh eggs when throwing them at the low-energy nerds in chess club.
Flaming bags of dog crap, because who needs regular dog crap when it's so much more awesome on fire?
Bricks. Throw them through the windows of an abandoned house or use them to build a wall.
An old board with a nail in it. This isn't your grandfather's old board with a nail in it. This one comes with a free tetanus shot.
A toaster fork. Need to pick up that stuck slice of bread? This 100 percent metal fork is the last one you'll ever need. The lame shrill media will tell you not to use it, but what do they know anyway?
And finally a live Cobra in a tiny MAGA hat. Talk about the perfect stocking stuffer.
It's the ultimate line of Trump 2020 campaign merchandise. Note to the coolest, none of these exists, so please don't stick forks in a toaster. That's dangerous.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
ANNOUNCER: Period.
GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. He is so patriotic the American flag salutes him. "Fox & Friends" weekend cohost, Pete Hegseth.
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: He's got friends in really high places, theologian ethicists and Fox News contributor, Jonathan Morris.
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: She is outspoken when she's not talking. Host of "Sincerely, Kat" on Fox Nation, Katherine Timpf. I wrote that.
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: He is larger than life and basically most other things, my massive sidekick and host of "Nuff Said" on Fox Nation, Tyrus.
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: Pete, I was watching the responses. I don't think it's fair to blame Mueller. He did -- I don't think he wanted to be there. They should blame themselves for pushing this charade.
PETE HEGSETH, HOST: Of course, he didn't want to be there. He wrote a report. He didn't write it. He had everyone else write it. He put his name on top of it. Didn't even read it himself.
GUTFELD: Yes.
HEGSETH: And then when he didn't want to talk about it, he gave a press conference where he took no questions. It was totally scripted so that it could be the end of it. But then he became a private citizen. And as a result, they could subpoena him and he was forced to testify.
GUTFELD: Right.
HEGSETH: Then at the last minute, we found out his lawyer was going to come with him. And we thought, "Why is that happening?" Well, of course we know why now. He doesn't know the report.
GUTFELD: Yes. Terrible.
HEGSETH: So, I mean, I kind of felt bad for the guy.
GUTFELD: So, did I.
HEGSETH: I really did. I mean, listen, this is a guy -- bronze star with valor in Vietnam.
GUTFELD: Yes.
HEGSETH: Like legitimate American hero. Done a lot of great service to this country. Maybe hired the wrong people to do the investigation. Maybe the wrong motives. I don't know. But it was a sham and a charade and the Democrats should own it all the way.
GUTFELD: I agree. And you know what it reminds me of, Jonathan. And I mean, because you used to be a priest, it would be like me calling you up, after you've left the priesthood and said, "Can you come and do a confession over the weekend?"
KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NATION HOST: I wasn't supposed to do that in the green room then.
GUTFELD: No, no. He doesn't do confessions anymore, Kat.
JONATHAN MORRIS, THEOLOGIAN/ETHICIST: I hear them, I just can't do anything about them.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MORRIS: All right, faire enough. Sorry.
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: What did you make of this week?
MORRIS: I felt -- I felt so bad, not just for Mueller, but for the American people that hundreds of people would be in this room talking about something that was not really that important for the end game of a nation that's stronger, a nation that's safer, a nation that helps people become the people that they can be on their own.
Instead, it was the political class trying to gain points from the other side.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MORRIS: Which is just very sad.
GUTFELD: No, you're right. You're right. I just love it, Kat that the media, they're eating more crow than my cousin Steve. And he --
TIMPF: He sounds fun.
GUTFELD: Yes, he owns a crow farm. Where he raises -- he raises the birds for nourishment. He eats a lot of crow.
TIMPF: Is he single?
GUTFELD: Yes, he is.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: He is. You will never have to starve again.
TIMPF: Excellent. Sounds like my dream. I quit tomorrow. Yes, look, nobody found out anything new right from this hearing? Like, except maybe Robert Mueller?
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: But other than that --
(Laughter)
(Cheering and Applause)
TIMPF: It was just the same stories over and over again. If I wanted to hear the same stories over and over again, I would go to the bar, find the drunkest person there, they're probably named Chad, and talk to him for a little while, but at least Chad would probably have the decency to buy me a shot at some point, so I can have something that helped me get through it. The congressional Democrats didn't do that.
GUTFELD: No, they didn't.
TIMPF: They didn't buy me any shot.
GUTFELD: No, they didn't.
TIMPF: In fact, none of them ever have.
GUTFELD: No, in fact, you paid $30 million for that travesty.
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFELD: That's one hell of a shot.
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFELD: Right, Tyrus?
GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, CONTRIBUTOR: Yes. Hell of a shot, Greg. Nice job.
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: Farming crows. All right. Let's talk about it.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: I don't know. Maybe. I don't think I'm alone. I'm just going to keep it real. I didn't watch it.
(Laughter)
(Cheering and Applause)
MURDOCH: I had a great day. I got up. Went and lift some weights.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: Then I went to this new breakfast spot.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: I was supposed to get an egg white omelet, but nobody was watching. So I just got a regular one. Where am I at now, like around 11:30-ish?
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: Then I went -- got stuff to feed my shark.
GUTFELD: Wait, you own a shark?
MURDOCH: Yes, a shark. I have a horn shark in a fish tank. And then I fed him some shrimp and his little eel buddies. Then I went outside, watched my daughter play with her friends. Had a beer. Had another beer. Started giving my daughter life advice.
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: At five? Where we at now? About 2:15?
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: Took a nap in a chair. Woke up with makeup on my face because I fell asleep and my five year old is a monster. 4:15, got in trouble with the missus for drinking beer around the kids again, that's what I did.
GUTFELD: And you were wearing her makeup.
MURDOCH: Six o'clock, I ate again. I was supposed to eat something healthy. But I had burgers and hot dogs on the grill. Another beer. Took a nap again.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: Binge watched some stuff on Netflix that I didn't want to watch.
GUTFELD: Did you learn anything, Tyrus?
MURDOCH: Flipped the channel said, "Oh, [bleep] Mueller was on today."
(Cheering and Applause)
MURDOCH: And guess what?
GUTFELD: What?
MURDOCH: I knew the same thing before than I did afterwards because when it first came out, I watched it and I read it.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: Nothing changed.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.
MURDOCH: So, yes, I had a great day.
GUTFELD: That's the difference between you and a Democrat. The Democrats keep watching the same thing hoping the ending changes. They keep thinking that the Titanic is not going to hit the iceberg. It keeps hitting the iceberg. All right. Enough of me shouting, pushups and punches, we discussed the desperate Democrats, next.
(Cheering and Applause)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
ANNOUNCER: And now, “The Greg Gutfeld Show” presents "The 2020 CAN'T- idates."
GUTFELD: It's sad. Competition is now their ammunition. In the wake of Joe Biden's call for a pushup contest with Trump, Beto O'Rourke was spotted in an airport challenging his staffers to a pushup contest, prompting many to ask who is Beto O'Rourke?
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Why is he still here? Meanwhile, Cory Booker visited something called "Late Night with Seth Meyers." I'm told it's a TV show. Where he said he felt like punching President Trump.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
SEN. CORY BOOKER, D-N.J., PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: He puts his arm around me and he goes, "Dude, I want you to punch Donald Trump in the face?" And I stopped in my tracks and I go "Dude, that's a felony, man."
Donald Trump is a guy who you understand he hurts you and you and my testosterone sometimes makes me want to feel like punching him, which would be bad for this elderly out of shape man that he is.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Guys, guys, guys. All this tough talk is making me hot.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: All of this overflowing testosterone. You could smell it coming off them. Why not just settle it in the ring?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ANNOUNCER: Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Get ready to be utterly unimpressed. It's the battle of the Betas Democrat Edition. Featuring the Newark nobody, the tough-talking testosterone time bomb, Cory Booker.
As he tries to out-Beto the cruisin' for a losing Beto -- his actual name is Robert -- O'Rourke.
With a combined weight of a bunch of pool noodles. This duo is guaranteed to leave you not wanting more. Unless you're a skater kid who love videos of middle aged men at the dentist. One speaks Spanish --
BETO O'ROURKE, D-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: (Speaking in Spanish).
ANNOUNCER: The other speaks Spanish harder.
BOOKER: (Speaking in Spanish).
ANNOUNCER: Get there early and receive passes to our Safe Space Slam Poetry Symposium preshow with special guests, an army of nonthreatening guys named Toby. This show is softer than Obama's foreign policy.
It's the battle of the Betas Democrat Edition.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: So, Jonathan, I have a theory that they're responding to the supportive media who are trying to tell them they have to act tough to fight Donald Trump. So, they're overcompensating in a way. What do you make of these guys?
MORRIS: I love the fact that the only thing they're talking about is Donald Trump.
GUTFELD: Right.
MORRIS: They are not talking about any issues whatsoever. They're talking about -- they're doing pushups.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MORRIS: They're competing against their staff in pushups. And then they're talking about Donald Trump.
GUTFELD: Right.
MORRIS: And that doesn't work.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MORRIS: Because Donald Trump has been President and he is doing things -- like him or not, he is doing things.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MORRIS: And that's what they have to compete against, and they're not. They're just talking about how he is -- well, that they can beat him up and punch him and other things like that. Ridiculous.
GUTFELD: Yes. You know, Kat. I know. This is a big issue for you.
TIMPF: Right.
GUTFELD: Pushups.
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFELD: Yes. You're kind of excited.
TIMPF: Kind of an itchy voter.
GUTFELD: One itchy voter.
TIMPF: Beto O'Rourke watches “The Greg Gutfeld Show.”
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
TIMPF: Because I said last week, that the only thing that matters to me in a candidate is pushups. And I'm influencing the race.
GUTFELD: Yes.
(Cheering and Applause)
TIMPF: It's so exciting. But the Cory Booker thing bothered me not so much because of what he said, but because of what wasn't included in the clips, which is before he said all these things, he says, "I don't want to stoop to President Trump's level by body shaming him," and then said --
GUTFELD: That's right.
TIMPF: Then he did it. That's what mean, mean, mean, middle school girls do. They're like, "I don't want to be mean, but Jessica's nose is huge. And I hate her." Like you, you were trying to be mean. So, I just -- if you're going to be mean, be like, "I'm going to be mean," which is something I appreciate about Trump. He's not like, "Not to mean." He just is mean.
GUTFELD: Yes. Yes. He never conditions his insults --
TIMPF: Come out with it.
GUTFELD: Yes. Tyrus?
MURDOCH: Yes.
GUTFELD: You've punched a lot of people. Do you think it's weird to hear politicians --
MURDOCH: I believe the statute of limitations is right now, Greg. I am free and clear at the moment. Are we really sure that Booker can beat up the President?
GUTFELD: No.
MURDOCH: Because I've been in a few scraps in my day, and I never talked like that before I got into a fight with somebody. "Hey, I hate to bring up my testosterone here guys." The only guys I knew that talked like that were guys who are afraid to fight. They give them reasons of all the things they have. "I know karate and I have a lot of testosterone. I have a lot of anger. But I'm going to refrain from swinging on you because you know, I don't want to be in court." That usually means, "I don't want to get beat up."
GUTFELD: Yes.
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: And what if President Trump -- he'll beat him up before you even get to the fight because you'll be in his head.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
MURDOCH: I guarantee you if they square off, Mr. Booker will be crying before he throws the punch.
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: Because President Trump is going to talk about his mama.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: He is going to talk about him. He is going to talk everything about him. And if he -- "you just leave me alone." And he wins. He wins. He gets broken up. He is crying. The President is going to look at him, he's crying. He wins.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: So, yes -- well, don't do that.
HEGSETH: Well, to go back to the tape. It's not clear that Beto O'Rourke could even be -- Robert Francis O'Rourke could even beat Trump. He couldn't beat his own staffer.
GUTFELD: Yes.
HEGSETH: I mean, the staffer --
MURDOCH: Well, he beat that one.
HEGSETH: He beat the one.
(Laughter)
HEGSETH: To the right of him, but the guy in front of him was smoking him.
MURDOCH: Yes.
GUTFELD: Yes.
HEGSETH: So, he's got no shot. I mean, this is the last and lowest common denominator of politics. When you hate somebody, you go to a fist fight. You can't figure it out with words, you're going to find it out. And they don't have anything to say. He can't differentiate himself from other politicians. I mean, I will guarantee you one thing right now. Cory Booker will never be President of the United States.
(Cheering and Applause)
HEGSETH: That I could predict.
GUTFELD: But you know what?
HEGSETH: And neither will Robert Francis. So, they can do all the pushups they want, but it's background noise.
GUTFELD: Cory will not be President. But he'll be one hell of a personal trainer.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: I can just see him.
HEGSETH: Maybe.
GUTFELD: Yes. "Oh, I think you could do it. I know you can do that." All right, that's how Cory Booker talks. Because it's like he ate a slice of hot pizza. My mouth is on fire.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Coming up, do grocery checkout lines make you racist? Sure. Why not?
(Cheering and Applause)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
AISHAH HASNIE, CORRESPONDENT: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Aishah Hasnie. President Trump is facing backlash for calling a Democratic lawmaker's district "rat infested." The President also called Congressman Elijah Cummings a bully for condemning the treatment of migrants at the U.S.-Mexico border.
Cummings is the Chairman of the House Oversight Committee. Thousands including celebrities and lawmakers are now using the hashtag #WeAreBaltimore in a show of solidarity with the city.
Overseas, at least eight people are dead after earthquakes rocked the northern Philippines. Dozens are injured. The quake has destroyed homes with some residents still pinned inside. At least three quake struck today. Two were back to back. Earthquakes happen frequently in the Philippines because it lies on the so-called Ring of Fire. I'm Aishah Hasnie, now back to “The Greg Gutfeld Show.” For all your headlines, log on to foxnews.com.
GUTFELD: Is it worth it to fight them if they've got more than 10 items? A police report is disputing the account of a Democratic Georgia lawmaker who is black, who claimed that a white man told her to go back where you came from during a tiff at a grocery store.
Now, the argument didn't start over race or politics or even Trump. It started when the guy said she had too many items in the express lane. Here's her original account.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ERICA THOMAS, D-GA, STATE REPRESENTATIVE: For that white man to come up to me and called me a son of a [bleep] and lazy and go back where I came from because he had a couple of items that he wanted to get in front of me. And he said I had 20 items in a 10-item line. What will make you angry --
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: She later backtracked on the racism thing maybe because a witness told police it was the lawmaker who actually told the guy to go back where he came from.
Surveillance footage showed what happened, but you can't hear anything. Nothing outrageous seemed to have occurred get this whole thing exploded because the woman injected race into the matter and then spread it all over social media.
Still, police aren't filing any charges against anyone. But the lesson is clear. If you've got more items than the limit allows, then go back where you came from, and put it back on the shelf. And then come back.
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: Go back to the lane where you got the cans of tomato soup. All right. Tyrus, I think they're both jackasses because I think he called her some bad names and she exaggerated this. But I can totally understand this fight happening because it bothers me when people have too many in the --
TIMPF: You don't go grocery shopping, Greg.
GUTFELD: I have people who do it and they get mad for me.
TIMPF: Okay.
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: Well, I still do grocery shopping.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: And I'm a stickler with the express lane. I don't play that -- at all. I almost did it, but I didn't do it. I'll do it. If you -- if it's 10 items or less, I think the gray area is 12?
GUTFELD: Yes.
HEGSETH: Yes.
MURDOCH: Anything after that, I am going to say something.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: I'm going to say something.
(Cheering and Applause)
MURDOCH: And if someone tells me to go back where I'm coming from, they're going to fly there first. So --
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: You know, Kat, I'm going to ask you -- this is a serious question, because I don't know where anybody stands on this. Do four containers of yogurt count as four or one item if it's --
TIMPF: Four.
GUTFELD: No, no.
TIMPF: One, two, three, four.
GUTFELD: No, it's the same item.
TIMPF: It's accounting.
GUTFELD: Yes, but it's -- okay.
HEGSETH: But are they connected?
GUTFELD: Well, no, it's -- okay. Let's say -- yogurt doesn't come connected.
(Laughter)
HEGSETH: That's a cardboard. Cardboard connected them.
MURDOCH: It's one item. Four yogurts, four separate items.
GUTFELD: Four cans of tomato sauce, in which you --
TIMPF: That's all I get at the grocery store, ever is four cans of tomato sauce.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes. God knows what you do with it.
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFELD: But anyway --
TIMPF: God does know.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: What are your thoughts?
HEGSETH: Does he know?
GUTFELD: She confessed it in the green room. All right, Kat, this conflict --
TIMPF: My thoughts?
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: That I wouldn't notice if someone had a thousand items in front of me because I would be on my phone.
GUTFELD: Yes.
(Cheering and Applause)
TIMPF: Why -- does people say -- people say that, "So that Kat, you're on your phone all the time. Look around. Blah-blah-blah."
GUTFELD: That's not how we sound.
TIMPF: Yes, it is -- to me. And you know what? It turns out that I'm keeping my self out at quite a lot of trouble.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Until you get hit by a truck.
TIMPF: That would be trouble.
GUTFELD: Yes. All right, Hegseth. I mean, this guy, I guess, called her names. That was wrong. Called her a lazy B word.
HEGSETH: Yes.
GUTFELD: He actually came back and yelled at her. But he's also -- he hates Trump.
HEGSETH: He's a Democrat.
GUTFELD: He is a Democrat who hates Trump. So, she created a political story out of nothing, which isn't fair.
HEGSETH: She made it about race. By the way, in the future, every press conference that's held should have both sides at the podium at the same time.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
HEGSETH: Did you can see the press conference? They were standing next to each other and explaining their versions of events refuting each other in real-time.
GUTFELD: Incredible.
HEGSETH: But there's nothing worse than coming out with a one-sided story, making it all about race.
GUTFELD: Right.
HEGSETH: Clearly, it was contentious about any number of matters. But to inject that at the beginning, he is defending himself. Listen, I agree, you go in, you make a rough estimation of how many item is in your cart. I always view it a little bit, I'm like, "Eh." I think I'm good. If there's no big line and no one behind me then I'll go for it.
MURDOCH: Magic number is 12.
HEGSETH: But if there's not, then I will -- I will --
GUTFELD: By the way, let's be honest, if the person in front of you is kind of good looking.
HEGSETH: Yes, then I'm okay.
GUTFELD: Yes.
HEGSETH: Yes, yes. There's a lot of caveats to that.
GUTFELD: If it's a guy who's like, besides the -- if it's Tyrus.
HEGSETH: If it's Tyrus -- I'm --
GUTFELD: He can have 60 items.
HEGSETH: Go with it, man. Go with it.
GUTFELD: We don't we're not going to bother. Jonathan --
MORRIS: I love that fact that I have to be the fourth person to talk about this story, right?
GUTFELD: It's a moral --
HEGSETH: What would God say?
MORRIS: It's very, very complicated.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MORRIS: First of all, 12 definitely is about the number. This was 20. I mean, I'm all about mercy. But that is a lot.
(Laughter)
(Cheering and Applause)
GUTFELD: I happen to believe that -- I can get pretty emotional over really small things. In fact, I only get emotional for small things. I had a guy who got very angry. And then when you get mad at somebody, you create a story around it and then you realize it didn't happen. Hasn't anybody done that?
HEGSETH: Do you confront them in real-time though?
GUTFELD: No, I drive all the way home --
MURDOCH: And sends a scathing e-mail.
TIMPF: He e-mails it.
GUTFELD: I'd send a scathing e-mail.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: At around midnight, slightly drunk. All right, I think they both did wrong. So, let's just end there. Up next, is this a flame thrower or a drone robot dragon? Why can't it be both?
(Cheering and Applause)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: Don't you just love death from above? Earlier this month, in France -- a country -- celebrated Bastille Day with a military parade where a guy comes flying in on a hoverboard holding a rifle in France. It turns out it wasn't a baguette. This thing is called the fly board and the guy on it is the inventor. And this scared the hell out of me until the same guy tried to cross the English Channel on the same thing this week and he fell in the water after 15 minutes.
So, I was feeling less scared until I saw this, a flame thrower attached to a personal drone. That is the TF-19 wasp. It's made by a company called Throw Flame, of course, it's not Nestle Quick. For 1,500 bucks, it gets shoot flames 25 feet with 90 seconds of pure brutal hellfire, check out their ad.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ANNOUNCER: With an onboard FPV camera, pilots have a real-time view and navigate confidently through complex environments. Constructed from ultra- light 3K carbon fiber, the TF-19 wasp is built to support maximum flight time while holding strength paramount.
Instantly deliver precision streams of fire with a TF-19's high-powered plasma ignition system. A game changer for clearing vital infrastructure, igniting remote vegetation and eliminating pests.
The Wasp attachment is a versatile fit for any system and capable of any mission no matter how tough.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Holy crap.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Apparently, it's ideal for clearing brush, eliminating pests and making s'mores.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: I made up that last part, don't make s'mores, you'll die. All right. Pete, you want one of those?
HEGSETH: I do.
GUTFELD: I want one of those, all of us do.
HEGSETH: I support all death from above.
GUTFELD: Yes.
HEGSETH: This sounds more efficient than others.
GUTFELD: Yes.
HEGSETH: They left out smoking ISIS.
GUTFELD: Oh yes.
HEGSETH: As something that it could be used for.
GUTFELD: Right.
HEGSETH: But they sold it as -- look at this right here. This video is smoking out a hornet's nest.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.
HEGSETH: I usually run up to them with a bat and then run away. Really, really fast. But what I will say about the French Bastille Day with the guy?
GUTFELD: Yes.
HEGSETH: Was that their only soldier?
GUTFELD: I know, it was the inventor.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Careful. Terrible.
HEGSETH: At least he's on a hoverboard. He has a rifle because the last time I checked, there weren't many of them.
GUTFELD: Oh my God.
HEGSETH: Just saying.
GUTFELD: That was a jab. Jonathan, you know humans they like to combine things. You know, remember when ice cream was just ice cream, and then they started folding in stuff like toffee bits, and then you had beer can hats with hats with beer cans. Now, we're combining drones and flame throwers. What is with us?
MORRIS: The only thing I could think of when I was watching this and also when I reviewed the segment notes was --
TIMPF: A way to get on "Special Report."
(Laughter)
MORRIS: Oh, they review segment notes before?
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
MORRIS: The only thing I could think of was, "Thank God I don't -- I mean, I don't have even the interest in knowing any of this stuff that Greg seems to be so fascinated about that he would have this like part of his show be about this."
GUTFELD: Yes.
MORRIS: Right? Like how would you even find that that stuff exists? You have to be trolling the internet.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MORRIS: And looking for weird stuff.
GUTFELD: I have like -- I have Google alerts for flame throwers and leather onesies.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: And when they cross, oh gees, my night is made, Tyrus. My night is made. It's leather onesies and flame throwers for everyone. All right, Tyrus.
MURDOCH: I'll pass. Thanks.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: You know. Wow. You know, the next commercial is you know, for the murderer in you who doesn't feel like getting out of the chair.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: Pesky neighbor. Loud barking dog. Not a problem. Like, I mean, think about it? I mean, that's the --
GUTFELD: That's the scary part. We are marrying --
MURDOCH: Yes.
GUTFELD: We're marrying violence to things above you. It's kind of scary.
MURDOCH: Because hornet's nests or a huge problem in the United States, why would we need a drone to fly in from above and shoot a spray that "Game of Thrones" wish they could have recreated like that's --
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: Here's the scary part. That's the one that's made for the public.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: Which means the drones in the military, boots on the ground is an old time term now because there's going to be drones from above and they're going to look like little spiders and it's game over. It's game over.
GUTFELD: I think you're right.
MURDOCH: If that's what we can buy. Imagine what they've got.
GUTFELD: Yes, I think this is going to Kat, this is going to eliminate a lot of the -- this is the future of warfare. Right?
TIMPF: Yes. I'm an expert on the future of war.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: IT'S an excellent question for me.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: Look --
GUTFELD: This is your audition for "Special Report."
TIMPF: Hi, Bret.
GUTFELD: He is not watching.
TIMPF: Yes, he's not. No. Yes, it is. And that's fine. But I kind of want to talk about the France thing.
GUTFELD: Yes. Okay.
TIMPF: Because when I was watching this story, I was like, isn't it interesting how CNN was just fine with this? Because it's France. Imagine if Donald Trump had a guy in a hoverboard with the gun, they'd be like, "There are the Republicans going murdering people," because they seem to equate supporting the Second Amendment which is in the Constitution and totally your right to do so with murderers somehow, but just because it was French people, they're just like, "Oh, whatever. Bonjour." You know.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: And by the way, I guess they're okay with the Bastille Day Parade.
HEGSETH: Didn't Trump get the idea for the tank parade from the Bastille Parade?
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.
HEGSETH: So, next year it will be the 101st Airborne on hoverboards.
TIMPF: CNN is biased towards the French.
GUTFELD: Yes, that's true. That's true.
HEGSETH: Well, that's very true.
GUTFELD: And their ratings are --
TIMPF: Did you hear that, Bret, that was an original thought.
GUTFELD: Their ratings are in retreat.
HEGSETH: True.
GUTFELD: No one heard that joke.
HEGSETH: No, I didn't hear it.
TIMPF: No, I was talking.
GUTFELD: You talked over my joke.
TIMPF: I did.
GUTFELD: Don't ever do that again.
TIMPF: Oh.
GUTFELD: That's it, you'll never be on "Special Report," but I will. All right. Coming up, a segment on our biggest regret, mine will be doing this segment.
(Cheering and Applause)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: Do you wake up in a sweat overcome with regret. A new survey shows four out of 10 people regret how they live their lives. Among the biggest regrets: spending too much time at work. Not traveling enough. Neglecting their health. Not spending enough time with family. Not being a better parent. Why do those regrets sound like my goals?
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Anyway -- they do. I want to spend less time with my family. Anyway, 40 percent said they want to make some positive changes to their lives in the near future. And more than a half said they know it's not too late to accomplish more in life -- even though it is -- anyway, maybe regret is a good motivator. Right, Billy?
[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Billy has got a lot of regrets and that probably one of them. Jonathan Morris, thoughts about regret?
MORRIS: Yes. I do. I do. I do.
TIMPF: This is brutal.
MORRIS: No, it's not. This is good. This is called like real, real conversations.
GUTFELD: This is tough love.
MORRIS: I love this stuff.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MORRIS: Do I regret having joined the priesthood? Or do I regret having left? I would say neither.
GUTFELD: Of course.
MORRIS: And that's because we can't make up our future. We can only live in the present. And we can also go back and say, "Gosh, if I'd only done this," maybe you can do that, but it probably doesn't do any good.
GUTFELD: Right. Yes.
MORRIS: All I know is that I am so grateful for so many unbelievably beautiful moments in the priesthood, and this is not a laughing matter, I am so grateful for those things.
And at the same time, I say I knew that I had to follow my heart and say for so many years, I was staying, doing good things, mostly, I think.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MORRIS: But because I was afraid of letting other people's expectations down, and that's not a good reason to do anything.
GUTFELD: That is true.
MORRIS: And so, do I have regrets? Yes, I think if you don't have regrets, you can have a conscience at some level. But do I regret having joined the priesthood? I say, it's probably useless to think about that.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MORRIS: And I still live the moment now.
GUTFELD: We're going to make this segment about you, Jonathan.
MORRIS: Yes.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: I agree.
MORRIS: Thank you.
GUTFELD: You know why I agree because if you pursue -- if you change any way how you lived your life in the past, it's that butterfly effect. Because then if you -- like if you decide -- if you quit your job, and you regret that you never would end up being where you are now. You have no idea where you would have gone if you didn't make those changes. It could be far worse.
TIMPF: I can see you never brought someone home who had bedbugs.
(Laughter)
MORRIS: Okay.
GUTFELD: Is that the regret, Kat?
TIMPF: I regret like 2000 to 2019, like 2000 is when I was born. I'm very young. No, I am too young to regret anything. No. You've got to have regrets. I think the people that don't have regrets and are so proud about not having regrets are the ones that need regrets the most. They'll be like, "No regrets," and they'll be like "Karen, you just threw up in your purse."
(Laughter)
TIMPF: It's like everything -- everything happens for a reason. The reason is you drank 14 whiskey sours and you're an idiot. It's like, if you don't have regrets, then you don't learn from those things, and so I think regrets can be good and healthy, and bedbugs are as bad as they say.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: Tyrus, what do you make of this study?
MURDOCH: What I make about -- bro said right there is the good thing about leaving the priesthood is he wasn't a woman, so you didn't really have to deal with regret as much because I don't have to have regret I have a woman who will remind you of everything you've ever done in your life that's wrong.
(Laughter)
MORRIS: See, I didn't get it.
MURDOCH: So, at least when you left God, it was a clean break.
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: Every man in this chair knows what I'm talking about. We can't afford regret. We're too busy hearing about it.
(Laughter)
HEGSETH: If anybody knows what you were talking about, it's me. All right.
MURDOCH: There's a whole pool of regret here and bedbugs ain't got nothing to do.
TIMPF: I said somebody had bedbugs one time.
MURDOCH: I will pay -- listen, I would take a pants full of bedbugs right now.
(Laughter)
MURDOCH: You didn't happen to hear about everything I've ever done every Wednesday night.
GUTFELD: Pete, I didn't expect the direction of this segment.
HEGSETH: No, neither did it. Regrets are overrated.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: Okay, Karen, you threw up in my purse.
HEGSETH: I have thrown up in purses before.
TIMPF: I knew it.
HEGSETH: Not yours. Not yours.
TIMPF: Not yet.
HEGSETH: I've made plenty of mistakes, we all have. But if you dwell on them, what's the deal? Like we learn from every mistake we make. Big or small and you move on. But don't dwell on it.
GUTFELD: Yes.
HEGSETH: That's it.
GUTFELD: That's what I am saying, I'm also saying like each regret, I mean, whatever you did you regret actually moves you to a place where you are. And if you went the other direction, you could be dead, you know.
HEGSETH: You could be a Democrat.
MURDOCH: And she'd still be at the cemetery reminding my dead self what I did to get there.
(Laughter)
GUTFELD: All right, the "Gutfeld Monologues Live" returns this fall. September 14th, I'll be in Orlando, Florida; September 15 in Atlanta, Jacksonville and Durham in November. Knoxville in December. Go to ggutfeld.com for ticket info.
(Cheering and Applause)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: We are out of time. Special thanks to Pete Hegseth, Jonathan Morris, Kat, Tyrus, studio audience. I'm Greg Gutfeld and I love you, America.
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