Dennis Miller Riffs on Ward Churchill and Lindsay Lohan

This is a rush transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," July 25, 2007. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

BILL O'REILLY, HOST: If it's Wednesday, it must be "Miller Time" on "The Factor." Ward Churchill, Lindsay Lohan, Hillary Clinton cozying up to the Daily Kos. Cozy Kos. Does fish in the barrel mean anything to you, Miller? I mean, talk about...


O'REILLY: Look Ward Churchill, go.

MILLER: Well, I am very happy that the tenured Tonto has been sent on his way. And all I can say to the University of Colorado is can you guys get a dental plan out there for your professors, for God sakes.

Now he's going to say that it has something to do with the fact that he referred to the 9/11 people as little Eichmanns. But the fact is this is about plagiarism. This guy's Indian name is Dances with Facts. And it was about time that he went.

He's a weak guy. And the fact that Churchill is his last name, so we've got the man with the least spine and the man with the most spine in the history of the planet earth both have the last name Churchill.

O'REILLY: Yes, but you and I both know that the University of Colorado never would have investigated his dopey academic record with plagiarism and falsification and things like that if it weren't for his crazy comments about the 9/11 people. They were forced to find a way to get rid of him. Don't you agree with that?

MILLER: Yes. Just as I hope that other high school in Colorado is forced to confront the fact they're bringing guys in from California to talk to their high school students about doing Ecstasy and stuff.

You know what? I get it, Colorado. You don't want to be drummed in with the rest of us. These are kids, though, for God sakes. I look at Churchill, and he had to go down that far to still impress people, because the rest of us look at him.

He's like a mid-life loser in some George Harrison sunglasses from Route 66 trying to be cool in front of the kids. But we get it; he's a loser.

O'REILLY: I can't disagree with that. Now do you feel sorry for this Lindsay Lohan or not? I mean, as I mentioned the comedians are having a big time with her and a 21-year-old girl in desperate trouble. How do you see it?

MILLER: There are people on the planet earth I feel worse for right now, quite frankly. But I will say this. This girl's got — you know, she was in "The Parent Trap," and she's in the parent trap. Because if her parents were any more low-rent they'd be a spring break destination.

And any time your parent says they party with you, that is its own form of child abuse. There's got to be somebody down at the end of the hall in the far bedroom where the kids are afraid of. When your mother starts using the word "party" as a verb about her kid, that's absolutely crazy.

O'REILLY: No, it is. And I mean, that's a mitigating factor. But she's 21, and she's got to be accountable.

I got a great e-mail from somebody I'm going to read in a little while who said, "Look, I don't really care if Lindsay Lohan doesn't care if she wants to live or die. But I'd like to live. And I don't want her on the road."

MILLER: Absolutely.

O'REILLY: And that's really what it's all about. You got 42,000 Americans dying on DWI's, and then you got this one walking — driving around intoxicated. That's serious.

That being said, Harvey Levin claims that Hollywood has an enormous addiction problem. You know, you and I were in the floodgates of the drugs in the late 60's, early 70's. Is it worse now than ever?

MILLER: I don't know about the drugs. But I do know Hollywood has an addiction to being impressed by the innocuous. And the simple fact is this system out here is not going to serve this girl, because everybody is impressed by celebrity, even the legal system.

The judge out here isn't going to throw the book at her. He's going to throw his script at her. And they're all like that bald guy who was working the Anna Nicole Smith thing.

She's got to hook up with somebody solid. I would recommend her "Freaky Friday" co-star, Jamie Lee Curtis, who is one of the most solid, insightful, loving human beings I've ever met. And I think is one of the few people in this town right now that could probably pull this girl out of the morass.

O'REILLY: I hope somebody does. You don't want to see somebody die, and this woman's on the road to doing that. How crazy, you know, ten days out of rehab to do this kind of thing.

All right. Last night you saw Howard Wolfson, Hillary Clinton's main man, advisor, come on "The Factor," and I had to read him some pretty nasty stuff that was posted on the Daily Kos about Senator Clinton.

Yet they're still going to the convention to hoo-hoo with them. What do you think?

MILLER: Well, I think if it's possible for a shark to jump the shark Hillary might be doing it by lemming after these people. There's some mean stuff on that site. They accuse you of cherry picking, but that's a pretty fetid little orchard over there.

And you know something? At some point when they're slagging you — like the stuff you read to Wolfson was beautiful. Because Wolfson is — to me I don't quite get Wolfson. He's the same guy who flinched in the Barack Obama thing and said that Barack was guilty of carpet-bombing.

Come on, Howard, the Clintons invented carpet-bombing. They have napalm scented AirWicks in their apartment, for God sakes. These are the people who invented it.

But the thing that I love is that you jump into the fray, and strife is your metier. You’re like the little kid in the swimming pool who everybody is running with the current, and you're the one to take it on the chest.

But give the kid who runs the Daily Kos a little credit — that little guy who looks like Sal Mineo before he had water. He did come out and say that he thought some of the diarists were getting a little too profane.

O'REILLY: But before you're too kind to the guy who runs it, I want to put up a picture that we took off there today. All right. Put that picture up. And the picture is of the president of the United States with a cow doing an illegal act.

All right. Now this is on the Web site today. All right. Is that a cow or a sheep? It's some kind of barnyard animal. So they can say whatever they want to say on this Web site. And they do. I mean, they lie all the time.

I don't know whether you know this, but they contacted the Secret Service saying that there was somebody on threatening Senator Clinton. I mean, this is how insane these people are.

But the picture that we show, as objectionable as it is, is on there today. And I'm saying to myself, how can anybody who wants to be president of the United States, you know, go to a convention sponsored by these people? How?

MILLER: Well, all I can assume is Bush is going full bore for the bovine vote there. So...

O'REILLY: You get my point, Miller, or not?

MILLER: I get your point probably, not as much as the cow, but I do get the point.

O'REILLY: Oh, man. You know, all I'm saying is we'd like a little decorum here in the presidential election. Maybe some judgment calls. Is that too much to ask, Miller? Is it too much to ask?

MILLER: Mooooo!

O'REILLY: Is Giuliani going down to the David Duke convention? I don't think so!

MILLER: All right, the Daily Kos people should cut it out. But you're the one who's got to get in there and crack heads.

O'REILLY: I can't. I'm in the pool for whatever you said. I don't know what I'm doing in there, but I'm in the pool.

MILLER: Swimming against the current.

O'REILLY: There you go. Dennis Miller everybody!

All right. I'm glad he's out on probation.

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