This is a rush transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," March 11, 2009. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight, a full plate: Nancy Pelosi, President Obama and "Dancing With the Stars." Here now from Los Angeles, the Miller man.
So, what do you think about my "Talking Points Memo" here on Air Pelosi? That's pretty interesting, huh?
Click here to watch Miller Time!
DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Well, first, Bill, I want to ask you where do I send my check to Dr. Marc Lamont Hill for my appearance fee tonight? Where does he get his cut?
O'REILLY: That's right. Dr. Hill came on last night and said the fruits of my labor and, by extension, Dennis Miller's labor have to be shared with the people. So...
MILLER: Ask if I can do a direct wire to him on that.
O'REILLY: Send it to me, Miller, and I'll make sure that Dr. Hill gets it.
MILLER: All right. About Nancy Pelosi, now, see, the worst thing about lending Pelosi an aircraft is it always comes back with an eye job on the cockpit where the window shields are pulled up at a really unnatural and disturbing arc. That's the worst part about lending her a jet. And the fact that somebody thinks empty-headed pashmina mannequin has to be guarded from people will show you how absolutely mad the world has gone. This woman volunteers to go to G-8 summits because she thinks it's Gulfstream rolling out their new model.
O'REILLY: Now pashmina is an interesting word. How do you define it?
MILLER: Pashmina. Pashmina, it's the scarf that she wears all the time.
O'REILLY: Oh, OK. I thought it had something to do with the Middle East. But now I know it's a fashion statement. So I take from your eloquence that you believe Ms. Pelosi is exploiting her position as speaker of the House?
MILLER: I think she's the worst politics has to offer. I really — I'm surprised. It's one of the things I do not like about the Democratic Party, is nobody will come forth. Barack Obama can make me a fan for life if he just came forth and said, "Hey, forget her. I'm not her. She's a train wreck. I'm something new."
O'REILLY: Is it just because she's a left-winger that you don't like her?
MILLER: Well, listen, no doubt — no, it's just because she wouldn't be there when the general testified when he got back to town. That bugged me in the first place. And I just — I think our troops are the most important thing we have. And if a guy comes back from fighting a war and you can't be there that day to hear his testimony, that ruined it for me.
O'REILLY: You're talking about General Petraeus' testimony.
MILLER: I'm not even sure it was Petraeus. I think it was the person before him who came back from that part of the world. Either way, it was a man in control in a war zone. And when the House speaker can't be there to take his testimony, I just think it speaks reams about her.
O'REILLY: And it had to be Petraeus because of the time line, although it could have been Casey if she wasn't speaker of the House. We'll find out.
OK, now Barack Obama has been in office for 50 days. And on your radio program, your syndicated program, you've been talking about his report card, so please share it with us.
MILLER: Well, you know, Bill, I'm loathe to give him a grade, because that unfairly categorizes him. I know he's working hard and is well intentioned, and if it works, we'll give him an "A." If it doesn't work, we'll give Bush an "F." How's that explain it to you? It's a relativistic culture. Why should I give the man who's helming that a grade? I don't think it's codified like that any more.
O'REILLY: But you've been pretty fair to Obama on this program anyway since he got elected. Now, today he signed the earmark bill. He did it in private. We understand that he was, you know, he was under the bed or nobody could see him. It wasn't like the stem cell thing where, you know, he was holding up embryos with one hand, signing it with the other. That's a joke. But here he really kept it tamped down because he knows it doesn't look good for him, who campaigned on no more earmarks and change is in the air. And then as soon as he gets in there, he signs $900 million worth of the earmarks. So you've got to take him a little bit away from that, right?
MILLER: My man loves to spend. I'm just glad we snuck by last Saturday without him and Geithner hitting us with a turn the clock ahead tax. You know, I love the fact that we're getting preached personal discipline by the cat who can't quit smoking. I think he ought to start lighting up at these press conferences, and when they say how many zeros are there in $780 billion, just start blowing those smoke rings out, time after time.
O'REILLY: Well, I think, to be fair to President Obama, we do want to do that here. He's got an unbelievably difficult job. But I would have vetoed that bill just to send a message that it isn't business as usual anymore. But it does look like it is business, because as Nancy Pelosi, we called her up today, Miller, and we said, "Look, how many trips have you taken since you were speaker, a little more than two years, on the Air Force jets?" And her office said, "We don't know." It's like, you know, it's so casual. It would be like how many — how many pieces of gum have you chewed, Miller? I'm not going to keep track of the gum. I'm not going to keep track of those private jet Air Force flights. Come on. You know, it's just — Obama has got to impose some kind of discipline on the troops.
MILLER: Well, listen, he's to get Geithner some help over there. Have you seen the organizational flow chart on the Treasury? It looks like the Unabomber's organizational flow chart. And he's got to stop being such a buzz kill about the economy. He couldn't be any more hang dog if he came out to speak about it dressed in a literal bear suit. And as far as Pelosi goes, she's not going to come on here, Bill. They have to teach her the Democratic talking points phonetically. Do you think she's going to come on "The Factor"?
O'REILLY: She should. I mean, we'd love to hear her side of the story.
MILLER: That would be good for her. She'd look good. She's good on her feet, really. That would be great for the Dems to have her on. She is Elaine May.
O'REILLY: You'd watch it, Miller, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you watch?
MILLER: She's Elaine May. No, no, she's Elaine May in "Nichols and May." Genius improvisational.
O'REILLY: OK. The rumor is you're going to be on "Dancing With the Stars" shortly. Is that true?
MILLER: I heard you're on next year with Barney Frank. Now, what the heck is that all about?
O'REILLY: I'm not dancing with Barney. He may be another contestant. But I'm getting — I'm getting Ann-Margret. If I'm going to be on that show, Ann-Margret is coming on with me.
MILLER: No. Here's you on — there's you on "Dancing With the Stars." You're walking around doing a pirouette with Julianne Hough sitting here, right on top of your hand. You spin to the camera in that satin shirt and start tearing Jeffrey Immelt a new one right in front of the camera.
O'REILLY: Listen, I used to be a wicked disco guy. But you're big into this "Dancing With the Stars" deal, huh?
MILLER: What are you, a virgin? You always act like you don't watch. What are you, sitting at home at night watching "The Factor" on a professional loop with the wife?
O'REILLY: I have never — I have never watched this program, Miller. I read books.
MILLER: Oh, sure. I'm sure you're out there curing lepers and throwing "Factor" pottery in the kiln. Come on.
O'REILLY: I have to read books so I can understand what you're talking about.
MILLER: I like the show because it's horny, but it's not skeevy. Where else are you going to get that nowadays?
O'REILLY: See, I know what skeevy means because I read books. Dennis Miller, everybody.
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